Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Three prisoners

 

Three prisoners are locked in a cell.

 

One takes out a harmonica and says, ‘At least I can play a little music and pass the time.’

 

The second prisoner pull out a pack of cards and says, ‘We can play games too.’

 

The third man pulls out a packet of tampons.

 

‘Those aren’t much use,’ says the first prisoner.

 

‘Yes they are,’ says the third prisoner.

 

‘On the packet it says we can use them to swim, play tennis and ski.’

[worldangel]

Joke: Premature ejaculation

 

A man goes to the doctor suffering from premature ejaculation.

 

"Can you do anything to help me, Doc?" said the man.

 

"No, but I can give you the address of a woman who has a short attention span" replied the doctor.

[worldangel]

Joke: Young couple

 

A young couple get between the sheets for the first time.

 

In a flash it’s over. The boy says, ‘If I’d known you were a virgin I’d have taken more time.’

 

His girlfriend replies, ‘If I’d known you were going to take more time I’d have taken off my tights.’

[worldangel]

Joke: The soldier

 

The soldier serving overseas and far from home was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

 

A creative fellow, he went out and collected from his buddies all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them to her with a note stating the following:

 

"Dear Mary, I can not remember which one is you ... please keep YOUR photo and return the others!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Private Lloyds

 

Private Lloyds was brought up before the unit CO for some offence.

 

"You can take your choice, private - one month's restriction or twenty day's pay," said the officer.

 

"All right, sir," said the bright soldier, "I'll take the money."

[worldangel]

Joke: Please start using yours!

 

A woman is at home when she hears someone knocking at her door. She goes to the door opens it and sees a man standing there. He asks the lady, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door in disgust.

The next morning she hears a knock at the door, it’s the same man and he asks the same question to the woman, "Do you have a Vagina?" She slams the door again.

 

Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells his wife in a loving and concerned voice, "Honey, I am taking an off tomorrow so as to be home, just in case this guy shows up again."

 

The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both ran for the door. The husband whispers to the wife, "Honey, I’m going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to a see where he's going with this."

 

She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there, he asks, "Do you have a Vagina?" "Yes I do." says the lady. The man replies, "Good, would you mind telling your husband to leave my wife's alone and start using yours!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Just married

 

A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?" "Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'.

 

So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction. Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

 

After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again. The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex-change

 

A man who recently had a sex-change operation was talking to his former buddies at work about the operation. "Was it painful?" someone asked. "Well, "she said.

 

"There was one part that was extremely painful." "I bet I know what part was so painful," someone else said. "I bet it was when they cut off your balls," they said. "No," she said. "I was heavily sedated and didn't feel a thing."

 

"Then it must have been when they cut off your pecker," another person offered. "No," she said. "I was sedated then too, and didn't feel anything." "Then what part of the operation was so painful?"

 

They wanted to know. "Well," she said. "After they were done cutting, they stuck a straw in my ear and sucked out half of my brains."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three guys

 

Three guys were sitting in a biker bar. A man came in, already drunk, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. The man looked around and saw the 3 men sitting at a corner table. He got up, staggered to the table, leaned over, looked the biggest one in the face and said, "I went by your grandma's house and I saw her in the hallway, buck naked. Man, she is fine!"

 

The biker looked at him and didn't say a word. His buddies were confused, because he was a bad ass, and would fight at the drop of a hat. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!"

 

The biker still said nothing. His buddies were starting to get mad. The drunk leaned on the table again and said, "I'll tell you something else boy, your grandma liked it!" The biker stood up, took the drunk by the shoulder and said, "Damn it, Grandpa, you're drunk! Go home!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Family gathering

 

As the family gathered for a big dinner together, the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter’s office. There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.

 

“Oh, come on, quit joking,” snickered one. “You didn’t really do that, did you?” “You would never get through basic training,” scoffed another. The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, “Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?”

[worldangel]

Joke: The visit by the general

 

The Commanding General is supposed to visit the unit, so, in order to appear snappy, the captain stations a private as a sentry outside the front door.

 

"Inform me immediately upon the General's arrival," the captain orders the Private. "Yes sir!" the Private Responds. An hour goes by, and the General hasn't arrived. The worried Captain checks with the Sentry.

 

"Did the General arrive?" "No Sir!" Another 1/2 hour goes by and the captain, getting nervous, checks with the sentry again? "Hasn't the General arrived yet?" "No Sir!" This continues for two hours.

 

Finally, the General arrives. "Where the hell have you been?" snapped the private, "The captain's looking for you!"

[worldangel]

Joke: That’s it

 

A general noticed one of his soldiers behaving oddly.

 

The soldier would pick up any piece of paper he found, frown and say, "That's not it" and put it down again. This went on for some time, until the general arranged to have the soldier psychologically tested.

 

The psychologist concluded that the soldier was deranged, and wrote out his discharge from the army. The soldier picked it up, smiled and said, "That's it."

[worldangel]

Joke: The student & young professor

 

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam."

 

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean..." she whispers, " I would do...anything."

 

He returns her gaze. "Anything?" Anything." His voice softens. "Anything??" "Absolutely anything."

 

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you...study?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Bill & his chauffer

 

Bill O'Reilly and his chauffeur accidentally hit and kill a farmer's pig while driving through the country. O'Reilly tells the chauffeur to apologize to the farmer.

 

They drive up to the farm, and the chauffeur goes inside. He is gone for a long time. When the driver returns, he explains his long absence, "Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife made me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses."

 

"Why were they so grateful?" O'Reilly asks. The chauffeur replies, "I don't know. All I told him was that I was Bill O'Reilly's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

[worldangel]

Joke: Don’t want to go school

 

"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy.

 

"Why not, son?" "Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day.

 

Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day."

 

"But why don't you want to go today?"

 

"Because our English teacher died yesterday!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The principal

 

Boy: “Isn’t the principal a dummy!”

 

Girl: “Say, do you know who I am?”

 

Boy: “No.”

 

Girl: “I’m the principal’s daughter.”

 

Boy: “And do you know who I am?”

 

Girl: “No,” Boy: “Thank goodness!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Mother & son

 

A mother picked her son up from school and began to ask him about his day.

 

“How do you like your new teacher,” she asked.

 

“I don’t. She told me to sit in the front of the class for the present. But then she didn’t end up by giving me one!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Arguing

 

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

 

The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

 

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

 

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

 

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

[worldangel]

Joke: Flip it over

 

A man had an idea that could make him rich.

 

After it was perfected he brought it to an inventors' help group. When asked what his great invention was, he pulled out an apple.

 

The group looked at it and started laughing. The inventor said, "You don't understand! Taste it." A volunteer tried it and said, "Mmmmmmm, tastes like peaches."

 

The inventor said, "Flip it over." He flipped it over and took another chunk of the apple. "Mmmmmmmm, tastes like grapes." The inventor offered a new apple and the volunteer said, "What does it taste like?" "Pussy," said the inventor.

 

The guy bit into it, and spit it out with an awful look on his face and shouted, "That tasted like ass!" The inventor winked and said, "Flip it over."

[worldangel]

Joke: Baseball game

 

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

 

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up.

 

After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts." They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.

 

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he turned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?"

 

The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, 'peanuts'".

[worldangel]

Joke: Bowling teams

 

Two bowling teams, one of all blondes and one of all brunettes, charter a double-decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in London. The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus.

 

The Blonde team rides on the top level. The Brunette team down below is living it up having a great time, when one of them realises she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate.

 

When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

 

She says, "What the heck's going on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!"

 

One of the Blondes looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Derby game

 

Michael was watching the derby game between Manchester United and Liverpool; Old Trafford was packed and there was only one empty seat – next to Michael.

 

‘Who does that seat belong to?’ asked the person in the next seat. ‘

 

My wife usually sits there.’ Michael replied. ‘But why isn’t she here?’ the neighbour persisted ‘She died.’ Said Michael in a matter-of-fact tone.

 

‘So why didn’t you give the ticket to one of your friends?’ ‘They’ve all gone to the funeral.’ said Michael.

[worldangel]

Joke: Scuba diving

 

There once was a man who decided to go scuba diving one day. So he went to the deepest part of the beach, got on his gear, and went underwater.

 

He decides to go down 20 feet, and there he sees another guy with no equipment on. The man thought this was strange but we forgot about it and went down another 20 feet. There, he sees the same guy down there with no gear on.

 

But the man decided to forget about it and go down another 20 feet. When he does, he sees the same guy 60 feet underwater with no gear on. Finally the man writes a note asking this guy how he can go so deep underwater without any gear.

 

The guy writes back, ''Because I'm drowning, asshole!''

[worldangel]

Joke: Airborne training

 

An Army soldier sat in a bar with his head in his hands having just finished his first day of Airborne training. His buddy sat down on the stool next to him and asked him what was the matter. "I just finished my first day in Airborne training and it didn't go too well", he sighed.

 

"What happened?", his buddy asked. "Well, we got over the jump zone, the green light came on and we all hooked up to the jump line. We shuffled to the door and when it was my turn, I just froze. I couldn't jump." "What happened then?", his buddy asked, concerned.

 

"Well the jump sergeant started yelling at me. He said, Boy, if you don't jump right now, I'm going to shove my fist up your ass!" "Did you jump?" "Well, a little at first."

[worldangel]

Joke: Black eye

 

Little Johnny comes home from Sunday school with a black eye. His father sees it and says, "Johnny, how many times do I have to tell you not to fight with the other boys?"

 

"But Dad, it wasn't my fault. We were all in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of me had her dress in the crack of her butt. I reached over and pulled it out.

 

That's when she hit me!" "Johnny," the father said. "You don't do those kind of things to women." Sure enough, the very next Sunday Johnny came home with the other eye black and blue. Johnny's father said, "Johnny, I thought we had a talk!"

 

"But Dad," Johnny said, "It wasn't my fault. There we were in church saying our prayers. We all stood up and my teacher in front of us had her dress in the crack of her butt. Then Louie who was sitting next to me saw it and he reached over and pulled it out.

 

Now I know she doesn't like this, so I pushed it back in!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Half-time

 

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

 

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

 

The old man replied, "It's fart football!" A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"

 

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"

 

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, - "Touchdown, tie score!"

 

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says - "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14!" Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.

 

Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed. The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"

 

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Two programmers

 

Two programmers after work, talking in a pub:

 

- You will never believe me when I tell you what happened to me yesterday. I met a very nice blonde in a bar.

 

- And what did you do ?

 

- I invited her to my place, we had some drinks and then the girl asked me to undress her.

 

- Are you kidding me ? And what did you do then ?

 

- I got her blouse and her dress off and then i got her to sit on my office, right next to my new laptop.

 

- Oh, you got a new laptop. What model and what are its specifications ?

[worldangel]

Joke: The psychiatrist & the LAN Cable

 

A psychiatrist had no patients in his office and he was bored. Suddenly, the door opened slowly and a man crept into the room on four legs. His mouth was full with pieces of coloured plastic. He was holding strange objects in his hands. He was dragging cables along behind himself.

 

The doctor was glad because of the visit and exclaimed, "And what do we have here, a little snake? Come to Uncle Doctor, my snake..."

 

 

The man shook his head. "Oh, sorry, I didn't notice your legs. You're a dragon, right?" The man shook his head again angrily.

 

 

"Sorry... a worm?" The visitor spitted out the plastic pieces. "Go to hell, you idiot! I'm the system administrator and I came to change your LAN cable!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The soldier

 

It is a normal drill day at the Marine base in Virginia. The whole regiment is lined up in formation, and the colonel is walking around inspecting people. There are rows of marines stacked behind one another waiting to be inspected. The colonel gets to the first squad leader, stands in front of him and punches him in the stomach the hardest he can.

 

After about a minute, the squad leader catches his breath. The colonel bellows, "DID THAT HURT SOLDIER?" Then the soldier says "NO, SIR." The colonel shouts, "WHY NOT?" Then the soldier says, "BECAUSE I AM A MARINE!" The colonel gets up to the second squad leader, stands in front of him, and kicks him in the kneecap. After about a minute when the soldier is finally standing, the colonel hollers, "DID THAT HURT?"

 

The soldier responds, "NO, SIR." And the colonel says "WHY NOT?" Then the soldier shouts, "BECAUSE I AM A MARINE!" The colonel gets up to the third squad leader. He notices that there is an erection between his legs. The colonel takes a stick from the floor, and whacks the erection with it. The man barely makes a sound. The colonel asks him "DID THAT HURT?" And the soldier says "NO, SIR."

 

Then the colonel shouts, "WHY NOT?" Then the soldier points at the man standing behind him and says, "BECAUSE IT WAS HIS."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Charlie

 

An Army Officer with an under-trainee Cadet went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Officer awoke and nudged his cadet. "Charlie, look up and tell me what you see." Charlie replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

 

"What does that tell you?" Officer asked. Watson pondered for a minute and in order to impress his officer said "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

 

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?" Officer was silent for a minute, and then spoke.

 

"Charlie, you idiot, somebody has stolen our **** tent."

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny

 

So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what colour your underwear is."

 

She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.

 

"Well come with me out to my dad’s car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

 

His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Three men

 

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.

 

"Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven. If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell."

 

The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philsopher disappeared. The mathematician then asked,"Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil.

 

The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too. The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!" The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat."

 

The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole."

 

And the idiot went to heaven.

Edited October 12, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Bill

 

One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. ''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

 

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."

 

Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.

 

The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message: "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."

[worldangel]

Joke: Desert camping

 

Four friends spend weeks planning the perfect desert camping and riding trip. Two days before the group is to leave Rob's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Rob's friends are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

 

Two days later the three get to the camping site only to find Rob sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and supper cooking on the fire. "Dang man, how long you been here and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since yesterday. Yesterday evening I was sitting in my chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and said 'guess who'?"

 

I pulled her hands off and she was wearing a brand new see through nightie. She took my hand and took me to our bedroom. The room had two dozen candles and rose pedals all over. She had on the bed, handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie and cuff her to the bed and I did. And then she said, "now, you can do what ever you want."

 

So here I am.

[worldangel]

Joke: Elderly couple

 

An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard. Then they heard voices. Three men had broken into the greenhouse. Scared, they called the police.

 

The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls. The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again. He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!"

 

In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed! One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them. " The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."

[worldangel]

Joke: The drunken

 

The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, sir. You're obviously drunk"

 

The wasted wino asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

 

Obviously relieved, the wino said "That's a relief - I thought I was a cripple."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two girlfriends

 

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over a 100 miles per hour.

 

"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

 

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do." "Oh, NOOOO!" yelled the brunette.

 

"Are his flashers on?" The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope...yup..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Love

 

One day there was a woman who lost her cat named "LOVE."

 

It was pretty dark outside and she lived in New York.

 

So, thinking that he might be down the street, she put on her house-coat and went looking for him. When a police officer stopped to ask what she was doing, she said very honestly, "I'm looking for LOVE."

 

The policeman arrested her on the spot.

[worldangel]

Joke: Maths problem

 

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away."

 

"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

 

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

 

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny

 

So Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says "teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is."

 

She replies, "okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the studentsclear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear.

 

"Well come with me out to my dads car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear.

 

His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The local policeman

 

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.

 

"You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it." "Oh yes dear, what happened?" "I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."

 

"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them?" "Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."

Edited October 12, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Policeman & the Blonde

 

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.

 

She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”

[worldangel]

Joke: I like your thinking

 

A teacher said to her class, "Right, I'm going to hold something under the desk and i want you to guess it.

 

This one is round and red." Little Johnny's hand shot up, but he was ignored. "It's a plum miss," said a girl. "no it's an apple, but I like your thinking. The next one is oval shaped and green."

 

The teacher ignored Little Johnny again and a boy said, "It's a kiwi miss." No, it's a gonna, but I like your thinking." Little Johnny said, " I got one miss, its stiff, about an inch long and with a red nib."

 

"Johnny, that’s disgusting!" shouted the teacher. " no it's a match, but I like your thinking." Said Little Johnny.

[worldangel]

Joke: Police patrol

 

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback. After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk. 

 

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity, in which he tried his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his car and fall into it. He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

 

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off; it was a fine, dry summer night, flicked the blinkers on and off a couple of times, honked the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more of the other patrons' vehicles left. 

 

At last, when his was the only car left in the parking lot, he pulled out and drove slowly down the road.  The police officer, having waited patiently all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, and promptly pulled the man over and administered a breathalyser test.  To his amazement, the breath-analyser indicated no evidence that the man had consumed any alcohol at all! Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.

 

This breathalyser equipment must be broken." "I doubt it," said the truly proud Redneck. "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three professionals

 

There was an engineer, manager and programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowing avoiding going over a cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

 

The manager said "To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through a process of continuous improvement, develop a solution." The engineer said "No that would take too long, and besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it."

 

The programmer said "I think you're both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two police officers

 

Two police officers saw an old woman staggering out a local bar, stopping her they can tell she has had far too much to drink and instead of taking her to jail they decide to just drive her home.

 

They loaded her into the police cruiser one of the officers gets in the back with the drunken woman. As they drove through the streets they kept asking the old woman where she lived, all the old lady would say as she stroked the officers arm is, "You're Passionate."

 

They drove awhile longer and asked again, but again the same response as she stroked his arm, "You're Passionate." The officers were getting a little upset so they stopped the car and said to the woman, "Look we have driven around this city for two hours and you still haven't told us where you live!" She replied, "I keep trying to tell you, you're passin it!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Urgent message

 

A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road.

 

He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds of thousands of sprinkles.

 

A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies: "It looks like he's topped himself."

[worldangel]

Joke: Tacks evasion

 

Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him.

 

Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road.

 

The policemen stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks. "I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket." Amazed, the driver asked for what.

 

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three old men talking

 

Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now. "I would like my grandchildren to say, that he was successful in business," declared the first man.

 

"Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, that he was a loyal family man."

 

Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?" "Me?" the third man replied. "I want them all to say, "He certainly looks good for his age!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Three men

 

Three men were in heaven discussing how they died. The first man said, "I died in a car accident."

 

The second man said, "I died by drowning." The third man said, "I died of seenus." The first two men asked, "Do you mean sinus?"

 

The third man said, "No, I mean SEENUS. I was out with my best friend’s wife and he seen us!"