Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Bank loan

 

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. 

'Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.' 

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager. 

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. 

The frog says, 'Sure. I have this,' and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. 

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office. 

She finds the manager and says, 'There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral.' 

She holds up the tiny pink elephant. 'I mean, what in the world is this?' 

(you're gonna love this) 

The bank manager looks back at her and says... 

'It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan, His old man's a Rolling Stone.' 

(You're singing it, aren't you? Yeah, I know you are........) 

Never take life too seriously! Come on now, you grinned, I know you did!!! 

[worldangel]

Joke: I wanna make a surprise

 

Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone.  She decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home. 

 

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a number. 

 

His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone.  "Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then will join you," he said. "As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!" 

 

Then he hung up and walked out of the room. In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter.  Through teary eyes, she read: "I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy bread."

Edited October 16, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Drumming Up A Reason

 

A man vacations on a tropical 
island, and the first thing he hears 
is drums. He goes to the beach 
and hears the drums; he eats lunch, he hears the drums; he tries to sleep, he can’t—drums.

 

Finally he storms over to the manager. “I’ve had it! Can’t you stop those drums?” he begs.

 

“No!” says the manager. “It’s very bad if the drums stop.”

 

“Why?”

 

“When the drums stop, the bass solo begins.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Losing weight

 

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign round her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." 

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lb. as promised. He then calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program. 

The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you can catch me you can have me." 

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot! This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him quite a while to catch her but when he does, it's definitely worth every muscle cramp and wheeze. So for the next four days the same routine happens. Much to his delight, on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lb. as promised. 

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day 50 lb. program. "Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." 

"Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years." 

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds this huge, muscular, 7ft man standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "I'm Francis. If I catch you, you're mine...". 

[worldangel]

Joke: Crisis point

 

Things have reached crisis point in Beryl’s marriage. ‘If things are so bad,’ her friend advises her.

 

‘Then you should leave your husband.’ ‘I would,’ says Beryl.

 

‘If only I could think of a way of doing it that wouldn’t make him happy.’

[worldangel]

Joke: The drunken man

 

A drunk is sitting on a park bench staring disconsolately at a bottle of beer.

 

A man passes and asks him what the matter is. ‘I don’t know what to do,’ says the drunk.

 

‘My heart says yes, my mind says no, and I haven’t heard from my liver in two days.’

[worldangel]

Joke: Birthday party

 

A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house. 

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all. 

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air. 

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!" 

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The young bride

 

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

 

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive. Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars.

 

Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments. By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car.

 

She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Breakfast

 

I came downstairs this morning and my wife asked me what I wanted for breakfast.

 

So I said, ‘Eggs, bacon, fried bread and mushrooms.’

 

At least that’s what I meant to say.

 

What I actually said was, ‘You’ve ruined my life, you fat ugly witch.’

[worldangel]

Joke: Last day

 

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly.

 

“Is everything okay, pal?”, the bartender asks.

 

“My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn’t talking to me for a month!”.

 

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?”

 

“Yeah. But today is the last day”.

[worldangel]

Joke: Back to back

 

Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife, “You’ll never believe it, dear, but I’ve discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking.”

 

“Really,” said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. “What is it?” “Back to back.”

 

“But that’s crazy. We can’t do anything back to back.”

 

“Yes we can. I’ve persuaded another couple to help out.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Bloody mosquito

 

He came into my room late at night.

 

He sat over my body, He sucked, swallowed and he left.

 

It was terrible. It was a BLOODY MOSQUITO!

[worldangel]

Joke: Divorce

 

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child.

 

The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child.

 

So the jury asks the woman first.

 

She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me."

 

The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question.

 

The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

[worldangel]

Joke: The nuts family

 

Q: What do you call nuts on a wall?

A: Wallnuts

 

Q: What do you call nuts on your chest?

 A: Chest nuts

 

Q: What do you call nuts on your chin?

A: A penis in your mouth

[worldangel]

Joke: Check-out

 

I was in the Express Lane at the store, quietly fuming.

 

Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.

 

Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward, looked into the cart and asked sweetly, 'So, which six items would you like to buy?' 

 

Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?! 

Edited October 16, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Dildo

 

A woman walks into a dildo shop to buy a dildo.

 

After a few minutes of looking around she approaches the clerk. "Excuse me, do you have anything bigger?" She asks.

 

The clerk shows her a few items on the shelf. "I'm looking for something bigger than those," she says.

 

The clerk pauses for a moment, "I think I might have what you're looking for, but it's expensive." "Oh that's fine," she says. The clerk leads her to the counter where he was sitting and pulls out a massive chrome cylinder.

 

"$500" he says. "Oh wow," says the woman, "that is expensive, but it's perfect."

 

The woman hands the clerk $500 and happily leaves the store.

 

The store owner comes out and asks the clerk, "so have you sold any dildos?" "No, but I sold my thermos for $500."

[worldangel]

Joke: Hunter = lovers

 

Why do hunters make better lovers?

1. They always go deep into the bush

2. They always shoot twice

3. They always eat what they kill

[worldangel]

Joke: Post turtle

 

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man, the doctor asked his patient how he thought Mr XYZ was doing as President. The old man said, "Ya know, the person is a post turtle."

 

Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a "post turtle" was.

 

He said, "Did you ever drive down a country road and come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top? You know he didn't get there by himself, he doesn't belong there, he can't get anything done while he's up there, and you just want to help the poor thing down. That's a post turtle."

[worldangel]

Joke: White hair

 

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the  dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette head. 

 

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." 

 

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

Edited October 16, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Shut up and Trouble

 

Shut Up and Trouble were walking down a path. Trouble got lost. So, Shut Up went to the police officer. The police officer asked, "What's your name?"

He answered, "Shut Up."
He asked again "What's your name?"

"Shut Up."
The police officer asked, "Are you looking for trouble?!"

"Yeah, I lost him down a path about two miles ago."

[worldangel]

Joke: College meal

 

College meals are generally unpopular with those who have to eat them? and sometimes with good reason. “What kind of pie do you call this?” asked one student indignantly.

“What’s it taste like? asked the cook.
“Glue!”

“Then it’s apple! the plum pie tastes like soap.

[worldangel]

Joke: Steep hill

 

Panting and perspiring, two men on a tandem bicycle at last got to the top of a steep hill. 

“That was a stiff climb “said the first man. “It certainly was”, replied the second man.

“And if I hadn’t kept the brake on, we would have slid down backward”.

[worldangel]

Joke: Heavy drinking

 

What’s wrong, Doctor? You look puzzled.

I can’t figure out exactly what’s wrong with you. I think it’s the result of heavy drinking.

Well then, I’ll just come back when you’re sober.

[worldangel]

Joke: Friendship

 

Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. 

The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it. 

Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house.

 

The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.

[worldangel]

Joke: Ethel & Fred

 

Somewhere in Iowa an elderly couple named Ethel and Fred are engaged in foreplay...as Fred reaches under the covers he grabs Ethel by her tits and says, "Ethel if these could produce milk, we could get rid of that damn cow".

Ethel thinks nothing of Fred's remark.

Fred then reaches further down into the cover and grabs Ethel by her snatch.

Fred then replies "Ethel if this here could catch mice we could get rid of that damn cat” at this remark Ethel rips the covers off the bed grabs Fred by his dick and says "Fred if this was a little bigger we could get rid of your damn brother."

[worldangel]

Joke: The lazy man

 

The world's most incredibly lazy man found a magic lamp. He rubbed it and a genie appeared and granted him three wishes. He wished for a horse, a sumo wrestler and a squirrel. "They're yours, but what are they for?" the genie asked.

 

"I'm tired of walking everywhere --I want to just ride the horse. The sumo wrestler is so that I won't have to work to get on the horse."

 

"But the squirrel?" asked the genie.

"I need something to go 'click-click' to start the horse!!!"

Edited October 16, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Blind date

 

An 85-year-old widow went on a blind date with a 90-year-old man.

When she returned to her daughter's house later that night, she seemed upset.

"What happened, Mother?" the daughter asked.

"I had to slap his face three times!"

"You mean he got fresh?"

"No," she answered. "I thought he was dead!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Viagra

 

A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walmart and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it.

 

When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist. The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"

 

The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."
The man then asks, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"

 

The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says, "Perhaps, if you took five or six pills at once you might."

Edited October 16, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The captain

 

A very respected Captain in the Foreign Legion was transferred to a remote desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old seedy looking camel tied out behind the enlisted men’s barracks.

 

He asked the Sergeant leading the tour, “Why is a camel tied to the barracks?” The Sergeant replied, “Well sir, it’s a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do … uh … we have the camel ready for them.” The Captain said, “Well, I suppose if it’s good for morale, then I guess it’s all right with me”.

 

After he had been stationed at the fort for six long, lonely months, the Captain simply couldn’t control his sexual angst any longer. He barked to his Sergeant: “BRING THE CAMEL INTO MY TENT!” The Sergeant shrugged his shoulders, looked at the other men, and lead the camel into the Captain’s quarters. Within a few minutes, the Captain emerged from his tent, fastening his trousers, almost beaming with pride.

 

“So, Sergeant, is that how the enlisted men do it?” he asked. The Sergeant replied, “Well, sir, usually they just use it to ride into town.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Experimental surgery

 

Freddie can't get an erection so he goes to the doctor.

The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are not working and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.

Hesitant Freddie asks about the procedure and the doctor explains they take the muscles from the base of a baby elephant's trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best.

Freddie says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even more frightening, so he says ok.

The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later he gives Freddie the go ahead to "try out his new equipment".

Freddie takes his wife out to dinner to celebrate. While at dinner Freddie starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants.

No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs an apple from the fruit basket, and disappears back into his pants.

His wife sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face.

She says, "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?" With his eyes watering and a painful look on his face, Freddie says, "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another apple up my ass."

[worldangel]

Joke: Body parts & heaven

 

One day in school, teacher asks her students to tell her what part of the body gets to heaven first.

Little Janie raises her hand and replies "teacher, I know, I know, the first part of the body to get to heaven first is your mind, because of the understanding of the bible.”

the teacher says "good Janie anyone else?" Bobby raises his hand and says” the first part to get into heaven is your heart, because of the love for everyone else, and the love of God"

the teacher says "good Bobby, anyone else?" dirty Ernie raises his hand and replies” teacher its your feet!

The teacher, looking very dumbfounded asks Ernie to explain. Ernie says” the other night I got up from bed to go get a drink of milk, when out of mommy and daddies room I heard a commotion, I peeked through the door, daddy was on top of mommy, with mommy's feet stuck straight up in the air, mommy was yelling "oh God I’m coming I’m coming!" and you know what I think? she would’ve probably be gone if daddy wasn’t holding her down!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Salesman calls

 

A salesman telephone a household and a four-year-old answered.

Salesman: May I speak to your mother?

Child: She is not here.

Salesman: Well, is anyone else there?

Child: My sister

Salesman: O.K., fine. May I speak to her?

Child: I guess so.

There was a long silence on the other phone. Then:

 

Child: Hello?

Salesman: It’s you. I thought you were going to call your sister.

Child: I did. The trouble is: I can’t get her out of the playpen.

[worldangel]

Joke: Pajamas

 

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week.

 

This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

[worldangel]

Joke: Airline

 

A man at the airline counter tells the rep. I’d like this bag to go to Berlin, this one to California, and this one to London.

The rep says: I’m sorry sir. We can’t do that.

The man replied: Nonsense. That is what you did last time I flew with you.

[worldangel]

Joke: Independence Day

 

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

 

"Of course I do," he irritatingly answered, going out the door to the office. At 11 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a bouquet of red roses.

 

At 2 PM, a two pound box of her favourite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

 

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful ‘Independence day' in all my life!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Sperm bank

 

This guy goes into a Sperm Bank with a gun and a ski mask and yells at the receptionist to open the safe. She's confused, thinking this is the world's dumbest criminal. "Sir, this is a sperm bank, we don't have money in here! That safe is full of donated sperm samples!"

 

The robber screams for her to open it. At this point, she's confused. Maybe he's just a guy who thought better of becoming an anonymous donor and wants his sample back. She opens the safe like he commanded. The robber yells: "Now bring over that tray!"

 

The woman does as he asks and brings the tray of sperm samples to the counter. As soon as the tray hits the counter, the menacing criminal makes further demands: "Now open that container and drink it!" The woman's gag reflex triggers. She barely manages to stammer out "that's disgusting! I won't do it!"

 

Angered the man in the ski mask cocks the hammer on his pistol and repeats his command to drink one of the samples. The woman complies, he tells her to drink another, and another until the entire tray is gone.

 

Once the last cup is finished the man pulls off his ski mask and goes: "See honey, it's not that fucking hard."

[worldangel]

Joke: Didn’t feel a thing

 

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl’s place. A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands. He then takes off his pants and washes his hands.

 

The girl watches him and says, “You must be a dentist” The guy, surprised, says “Yes…how did you figure that out?” The girl says, “Easy… you keep washing your hands." One thing led to another and they make love. After they were done, the girl says, “You must be a great dentist.”

 

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, “Yes, I sure am a great dentist. How did you figure that out?” The girl says, “Easy… I didn’t feel a thing!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Doc, please help me

 

A man walks into his doctor's office and whines, "Doc, you've got to help me; I've got a strawberry stuck up my ass."

 

The doctor pulls out his prescription pad and says, "I've got cream for that!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Just married

 

A young couple were married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.

 

He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.

 

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy.

 

He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night." She, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Silver wedding anniversary

 

A wife wanted an expensive fur coat from the executive husband to celebrate their Silver wedding anniversary.

 

The miser overbearing rich husband rejected the expensive but affordable demand. He said, "You grow the hair on your chest and I will give you fur coat to cover it."

 

The wife was out of control with anger. She pulls up her skirt, drops and throws her panties and pushes her hairy pubic area forward. She said, "There! I have the hair on my chest, now buy me that damn coat!"

 

"That’s not your chest, that is your pussy!" husband screamed back. "Oh yes that is my chest all right" she yelled back. "While we were dating this was your chest of hope.

 

We got married and on our honeymoon you used to tease me it was your chest of pleasure. Then I started bearing children and it became your chest of family, and damn it. If you don’t buy me that fur coat, it is going to be the community chest of public."

Edited October 17, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Patient & doctor

 

Patient: "I’m in a hospital! Why am I in here?"

 

Doctor: "You’ve had an accident involving a bus."

 

Patient: "What happened?"

 

Doctor: "Well, I’ve got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?"

 

Patient: "Give me the bad news first."

 

Doctor: "Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them."

 

Patient: "That’s terrible! What’s the good news?"

 

Doctor: "There’s a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers."

[worldangel]

Joke: Wedding cake

 

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago.

 

“The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful.

 

Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realises the germs in our drinking water.

 

But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all eat it.

 

Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I’m referring to?”

 

“You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea.”

 

The man lowered his head and said, “Wedding cake.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Jägermeister

 

A guy walks into a bar, orders six jägermeister shots.

 

The bartender asks him if it's a special occasion?

 

The guy answers "yes indeed, my very first blowjob".

 

The bartender gets excited and says "Congratulations, I'll give you the seventh shot on the house".

 

The guy answers "Nah, if six jäger shots isn't enough to get rid of the taste, the seventh won’t make much of a difference".

[worldangel]

Joke: The neighbour

 

Julia tells her husband, "James, that young couple that just moved in next door seems such a loving twosome.

 

Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses. Now, why can't you do that?"

 

"Gosh," James says, "why I hardly know the girl."

[worldangel]

Joke: My crush

 

I told my crush at school, "If you love me, come wearing red tomorrow."

 

The next day she came in wearing black! When she dropped her pen and she bent over to pick it up, I got a look up her skirt at her red thong.

 

Moral of the story: She really loves me underneath it all.

[worldangel]

Joke: Sandwich

 

A bloke walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads, "Cheese sandwich: 0.99; Chicken sandwich: 1.50; H*ndjob: 20.00."

 

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, the man walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three hot waitresses.

 

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "Can I help you?"

 

"I was wondering," whispers the man.

 

"Are you the one who gives the h*ndjobs?"

 

"Yes," she purrs. "Indeed I am."

 

The man replies, "Well, go and wash your hands. I want a cheese sandwich!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Vulgar pharmacist

 

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.

 

I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire. 

When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.

 

I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.

 

It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Viagra

 

When Viagra first came out my wife and I decided to give it a go to see what all the fuss was about.  

 

I popped the pill and waited the 15 minutes and then it was on for young and old.

 

We timed the performance to the minute and it all finally subsided at 3 hours and 17 minutes.

 

I asked the missus what she thought and she simply stated that she couldn't understand what all the hype was about for an extra 17 minutes...

[worldangel]

Joke: Cheating

 

They were three men discussing how to make their wives to tell them if they cheated on them.

 

The first guy says: "I go home after work at night, lie on the couch, turn on the television and ask: 'Woman you cheated on me today!' 'Who, me my husband? Could I ever do such a thing?'

 

Pissed off as I am, I get up, put her down, punch her and in the end she can’t take it anymore and admits: 'I cheated on you with Nick…'"

 

The second guy says: "I do exactly the same thing. I punch her and finally she says: 'I cheated on you with Jake…'"

 

The third guy says: "I have no problem at all. I go home, undress, put the sweat pants on, light my cigarette on, I go out to the balcony, see the neighbour spreading clothes and shout at her: 'Mary! You are a whore!'

 

And then she starts saying: 'I’m a whore? Or your wife who sleeps with John, Mark, Peter…!'"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Friend invitation

 

"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."

 

"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"

 

"I know all that." "Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"

 

"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."