Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Why so late?

 

A guy is late to meet with his friends at the local bar the friends obviously ask why he is late and he responds: "Wow, you won't believe what just happened. So I take the usual route via the rail tracks and suddenly I see a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks."

 

The friends are curious and ask: "Well, what happened next?" The guy says: "Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her." The friends are cheering and one friend asks: "Soo... did you get any head?"

 

The guy says: "No, I couldn't find it..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Ouch

 

I rear- ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. 

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Well, I couldn’t believe it... he was a DWARF!!! 

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!" 

So, I looked down at him and said, " Well, then which one are you?" 

And then the fight started..... 

[worldangel]

Joke: At doctor’s clinic

 

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctor’s clinic and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is.

 

All his professionalism goes right out the window... He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

 

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

 

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpes – that’s why I am here!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A desperate man

 

A desperate man goes to the doctor because he can't get a hard-on. He says "Doc, I can't live without sex, I need the use of my equipment back!!" The Doc says "There is an experimental procedure where the muscles of a baby elephants' trunk are removed and implanted in your penis, this gives you the full use of your penis."

 

Great I'll do it. Sometime after the procedure, the man is at dinner with his date. He feels a rustle in his pants. So he just ignored it. It happens again. So he figured it just needed some air. So he unzips his pants to let it out.

 

The problem seemed to go away until his penis reached up onto the table, grabbed a roll and disappeared back under the table. His date stared in complete awe and said "Can you do that again".

 

He said "Probally but I don't think I could fit another roll up my ass."

[worldangel]

Joke: Boy & Girl

 

Boy: Yes. At last, it was so hard to wait.

 

Girl: Do you want me to leave?

 

Boy: NO! Don’t even think about it.

 

Girl: Do you love me?

 

Boy: Of course! Over and over!

 

Girl: Have you ever cheated on me? B

 

oy: NO! Why are you even asking?

 

Girl: Will you kiss me?

 

Boy: Every chance I get!

 

Girl: Will you hit me?

 

Boy: Are you crazy! I’m not that kind of person!

 

Girl: Can I trust you?

 

Boy: Yes.

 

Girl: Darling!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The story of pets

 

A guy finds his dog with the neighbour's pet rabbit in its mouth.

 

The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house.

 

He gives it a bath, blow dries its fur, and puts it back into the cage at the neighbour's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbour asks the guy, "Did you hear that Fluffy died?" The guy stammers and says, "Um... no... what happened?"

 

The neighbour replies, "We found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage.

 

There are some real sick people out there!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The date

 

There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl. Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies. When they got there, he asked her if she wanted some popcorn and Coke. She said sure, so he went to the restroom.

 

The line was long, so he went back to the lobby, got the food, and went back into the theatre. When the movie was over, he goes to the bathroom again, still with a tremendously long line. So he figures he can wait until he drops her off. When they pull up into her driveway, she exclaims, "Oh goodie. My grandparents are here. Come on in and meet them." He agrees, although his A-hole is about to cry at this point. They go in and sit down at the table.

 

Finally, he couldn't hold it in any longer a tried to let it seep out a little at a time. As he squeezed out a toxic blast, he aimed it towards the family's hound dog Duke, in hopes that they might blame the pooch for the horrendous fart. The girl's father stands up and hollers "Duke!" and sits back down. "Great!" he thought. "They really think it's the dog!" So, he starts bombarding the room with a couple, more powerful, louder stinkers. Once again, the girl's father stands up, shouts "Duke!" and sits back down.

 

Finally, he lets it all go and the loudest most hair-curling fart you've ever heard or smelt rippled through the dining room. The girl's father stands up again. "Duke, get the hell out from under him before he shits on you!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Senior citizens

 

On a senior citizens bus tour, while the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in the driver's ear. She said, "Driver, I believe that I was sexually harassed!"

 

The driver didn't think much of her complaint, but promised he would check into it soon. Later, that same day, as the passengers were unloading again, a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, I believe I was sexually harassed!"

 

This time, he figured he'd better look into it. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to find out if they knew what was going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor beneath the seats and stooped down to question him.

 

"Excuse me sir, could I help you?" The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it..."

 

The man continued, "I thought I'd located it twice, but they were parted in the middle, and mine is parted on the side!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Store policy

 

A guy in a supermarket goes up to the cashier and places two cans of dog food on the counter. The cashier asks, "Do you have a dog sir?" "Yes, it's at home," replies the man. "To be able to sell you the dog food sir, I must see the dog. That is store policy," says the cashier.

 

Next day the man goes places two cans of cat food on the counter. "Do you own a cat sir?" asks the cashier. "Yes I do, it's at home," says the man. "Well I am sorry sir. Store policy. I must see the cat before I can sell you cat food," says the cashier. The next day the man returns to the store and walks directly to the same cashier. He has a brown paper bag in his hand. "Here," he says to the cashier, "put your hand in here."

 

The cashier puts her hand in the brown paper bag. "It is all soft and warm," she says. "Yes, that's right," says the man, "I need to buy two rolls of toilet paper."

[worldangel]

Joke: Pet monkey

 

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink, and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all over the place, eating everything behind the bar. Then the monkey jumps on to the pool table and swallows a billiard ball.

 

The bartender screams at the guy, "Your monkey just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" "Sorry," replied the guy. "He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for everything." The man finishes his drink, pays and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar with his pet monkey, again.

 

He orders a drink, and the monkey starts running around the bar. The monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks. "Yeah," replies the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures stuff first."

[worldangel]

Joke: The trucker

 

There was a trucker riding along on a highway, while riding he sees a priest on the side of the road sticking his thumb out trying to catch a ride. So out of courtesy the trucker stops and picks up the priest. They start chatting and having a good time.

 

On the way they see a homeless person on the side of the street. The truckers veers-off and hits the homeless person. *bu-dump* the trucker sees homeless person,*bu-dump* the driver who is laughing histerically wasn't watching the road and there was another bu-dump, The driver immediatly stops and looks around nervous."what was that?" he looks at the priest and the priest looks back.

 

"You missed a homeless guy, but don't worry I got him with the door."

[worldangel]

Joke: Broccoli

 

A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel's elevator.

 

On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce."

 

On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."

 

The old lady's floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."

[worldangel]

Joke: The butcher’s wife

 

After nine years of marriage, a butcher's wife is tired of her husband's morning flatulence.

 

She warns him that he'll fart his guts out. One night, the wife decides to put pig scraps in his pants, so he will think that he actually farted his guts out and stop the flatulence.

 

The next morning, the husband goes to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he comes out and says, "You were right about me farting my guts out.

 

But with the grace of the dear Lord and these two fingers. I got them back in there!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad rash

 

A man with a bad rash on his hands went to his doctor.

 

The latter examined his hands carefully for some time and consulted many large volumes on his shelves.

 

Finally, he asked the patient: "Have you had this trouble before?"

 

He answered: "Yes." Doctor said: "You have again got it."

[worldangel]

Joke: A hot summer day

 

Two girls take a walk on a hot summer day.

 

They see an old lady sitting in front of her house eating watermelon.

 

They notice she isn't wearing any panties.

 

"Is it cooler without panties?" they ask.

 

She says, "I don't know if it's cooler, but it sure keeps the flies off the watermelon."

[worldangel]

Joke: Afraid to pee 

 

This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off.

 

After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off.

 

Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off.

 

I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand.

 

Now I'm afraid to pee. :yuk: 

[worldangel]

Joke: Helping the armless

 

A man with no arms walked in to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him.

"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?"

"Sure", said the bartender, and he did.

"Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth."

"Certainly." And it was done.

"If you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket," said the armless man, "you'll find the money for the beer."

The bartender got it.

"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?"

"Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in a filling station on the corner."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Good appetite

 

They made an engaging looking couple in the swank restaurant: The man was handsome, graying and obviously well off; the woman was a joy to any eye - very young, ravishing and delectable.

As they each read their menus, the gentleman asked his date what she would like to eat.

She scanned the menu yet again, and said, "To begin, I'll have two champagne cocktails, then a dozen oysters on the half shell and a tureen of turtle soup. As entrees I'll have the filet of English sole followed by pheasant under glass, plus an a la carte order of asparagus tips. For dessert, just bring the cart.

Somewhat surprised not only by her appetite, but by the cost of all of this, he asked, "Tell me. Do you eat this well at home too?"

"Well, no," she admitted, "But no one at home wants to sleep with me."

[worldangel]

Joke: Embarrassing

 

Two girls board a crowded bus and one of them whispers to the other, "Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat."

 

Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all of her charms upon a gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily.

 

"My dear Mr. Smith," she gushed, "fancy meeting you here on the bus. Am I glad to see you! Why you're almost a stranger. My, but I'm tired!"

 

The sedate gent looked up at the girl. He had never seen her before but he rose and said pleasantly, "Sit down, Monica, my girl. It isn't often I see you on washday. No wonder you're tired. Being pregnant isn't easy. By the way, don't deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is going to the District Attorney's office to see whether or not she can get your husband out of jail."

Edited October 25, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Illegitimate son

 

An old man and his son had a one-horse farm where they barely made a living. Then, one day, the son hit the lottery and won ten million.

The young man rushed into town, collected his money, then hurried back home. He ran across the field, told his father the news, and handed the older man Rs one thousand.

The father looked at the money for a moment and then said, "Son, you know I've always been careful with what little money we had. I didn't spend it on liquor or women. In fact, I couldn't even afford the license to legally marry your Mom."

"Pa!" the young man stammered, "do you know what that makes me?" "Yep," said the old man fingering the thousand rupees, "... and a cheap one, too."

[worldangel]

Joke: The cannibal

 

A big corporation recently hired several cannibals.

"You are all part of our team now," said Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing.

"You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please do not eat any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised they would not.

Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with you, however, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads 'No.'

After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others: "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibal shouted, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU ate one secretary and it got noticed. So hereafter please don't eat a person who is working."

[worldangel]

Joke: Last name

 

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

"What is your name?" was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

"John," the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ... that's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling. My name is John Darling."

"Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

[worldangel]

Joke: You mean you don’t understand yet?

 

An old couple died in a car crash and go to heaven. They had been in good health their entire lives due to the wife's interest in health food and exercise. 

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter met them and took them to their mansion. As they looked everything over, the old man asked Peter how much the place was going to cost. "Everything's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven." 

Peter then took the couple out to see the championship golf course that bordered the home and explained that the course changed to a new one each week representing the great golf courses on earth. The man asked, "What are the green fees?" Peter replied, "This is heaven, so you play for free." 

Peter then took them to the club house and showed them the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How expensive is the menu?" asked the man. "You mean you don't understand yet? Peter replied with some exasperation. "This is heaven, it is free." 

"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter patiently explained, "That's the best part ... you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven." 

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat, stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and the man's wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Promised it would be memorable

 

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night. 

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two. 

The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course. 

The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable. 

The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note: DEAR FRIENDS, WE DIDN'T MIND THE BED SLATS BEING SAWED. THE ELECTRIC SHOCK WAS ONLY A MINOR SETBACK. BUT I SWEAR, I'M GOING TO KILL WHOEVER PUT NOVOCAIN IN THE K-Y JELLY!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Inheritance

 

Brian walked into work and saw his coworker looking particularly sour. “Hey what’s wrong buddy?”

 

His friend looked up with a forlorn expression on his face. “You remember last month how my Grandmother’s sister passed on and left me $2,000?” “Yes,” said Brian nodding his head.

 

“And you remember how the month before that her brother passed on and left me $5000?

 

“Uh huh” said Brian again. “Well this month is almost over,” said the co-worker with a wave of his hand “and………………..NOTHING!”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: WOOMMMMBBB

 

Four farmers were seated at the bar in a tavern. At the table next to them sat a young girl.

The first man said, "I think it's WOOMB."

The second replied, "No, it must be WOOOOMBH."

The third said, "You both have it wrong -- it's WOOM."

The fourth stated, "No, it has to be WOOMMMMBBB."

At this, the young lady could stand it no longer. She got up, walked over to the farmers and said, "Look, you hayseeds, it's WOMB. That's it, that's all there is to it." Then she left.

Eventually, one of the farmers broke the silence by saying, "Well, I don't know. A slip of a girl like that, I don't see how she could know. I'll bet she's never even heard an elephant fart!"

[worldangel]

Joke: It’s common knowledge

 

“It’s common knowledge,” said the zoology student, “that elephants have their genital in their feet.” 

“Really...” said the professor.

“Absolutely,” smiled the pupil. “If they step on you, you are f.....”

Joke: $8,000 a year

 

Robert came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed. 'Just where the heck do you think you're going!', Asked Robert.

 

'I'm going to Nairobi', said the wife, 'I just found out I can get $4,000 a night for what I give you for free! 'Robert said, 'Wait a minute!', and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

 

'Where the heck are you going?', said the wife. Robert said, 'I want to see how you're gonna live on $8,000 a year!'

[worldangel]

Joke: An old couple

 

An old couple decide to get married after years of courting. They sit down to discuss the marriage arrangements and the prospective bridegroom brings up the subject of sex.

 

‘Oh dear,’ says his aging fiancée. ‘As far as sex goes I’d have to say, infrequently.’ ‘Pardon?’ replies the bridegroom. ‘Was that one word or two?’

[worldangel]

Joke: Telemarketer job

 

Listen a job is a job, we all need to find away to put bread on the table don’t we? To make a long story short I’m a telemarketer that’s my job and that’s what I do. It’s not a job everyone appreciates, but it’s a job I enjoy and am proud of.

 

The other day I called a house and a real nice lady answered the phone, she was really helpful and friendly, she was the type of lady that helps a telemarketer get through a long day. After some pleasantries I asked if Mr. Smith was in, “I’m sorry”, she answered “I’m afraid he doesn’t live here anymore.”

 

Now that was a real disappointment being that she was a nice lady and all, but I took it all in a stride, “I’m sorry to hear that ma’am. Do you happen to have his new number.” “Sure thing!” The woman cheerfully replied,  listing off his new number. I hung up the phone and quickly called the new number and was surprised to hear a recording. “Thank you for calling Green Acres Cemetery…”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I lost my toupee

 

One day in the city a bus driver was making his usual stops. At the first stop a woman came to the front of the bus to get off. She turned to the bus driver and said, "I think I was just molested back there."

 

The bus driver looked at her and said, "Not on my bus. You couldn't have been." So, he lets her off and drives on. He comes to the next stop and another woman comes to the front to get off. She, too, looks at the bus driver and says, "I think I was just molested back there."

 

Now the bus driver thinks that something has to be wrong, to get two complaints like this in one day is just unheard of. He gets up out of his seat and goes to the back of the bus. To his surprise there is a bald guy crawling on the floor on his hands and knees. The bus driver says, "Sir, what are you doing?"

 

The man looks at him and says, "I lost my toupee. I thought I found it twice, but I lost it again."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Earthling

 

Late one night, an alien spacecraft landed near a deserted gas station. After a bit, one of the aliens came down the ramp, looked around, and walked over to one of the gas pumps, where he demanded, “Earthling. Take me to your leader!”

 

The gas pump, of course, did not reply.

The alien became agitated and again demanded, “Take me to your leader!” The gas pump remained silent.

Frustrated, the alien went back to the spacecraft where he was confronted by the captain: “Report!”

 

“I contacted an Earthling. He would not cooperate.”

“Hmmmm. I will deal with this Earthling myself.”

“Yes, Sir. Be careful, Sir. I have a feeling there could be trouble.”

 

The captain left the ship and approached the gas pump. “Earthling, you will cooperate. Take me to your leader.” The gas pump remained unresponsive. “If you do not respond by the count of three, I shall be forced to fire on you. One.Two. Three.”

 

ZZZZZZZZT! WHAM!

The gas pump exploded, knocking the alien clear out of the parking lot. The captain jumped up and got back to his ship as fast as he could.

 

“Quickly! Make ready to depart!”

“Yes, Sir. What happened, Sir?”

 

“I fired on the Earthling and it responded very forcefully.”

“Sorry Sir, I was afraid that might happen.”

“How did you know that there would be trouble?”

 

“Well, Sir, I assumed that anyone who can take his penis, wrap it around his feet, and stick it in his left ear is going to be one very tough customer.”

Edited October 26, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Going to heaven

 

Father Murphy walked into a pub and said to the first man he met, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

The man said, “I do Father.”

 

The priest said, ”Leave this pub right now!”
He then approached a second man. “Do you want to go to heaven?”

“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.

“Then leave this den of Satan!” said the priest.

Father Murphy then walked up to O’Toole and asked, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

 

O’Toole replied: “No, I don’t Father.”

The priest looked him right in the eye and said, “You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”

 

O’Toole smiled, “Oh, when I die. Yes Father. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Red riding hood

 

Little Red Riding Hood walks through the forest and sees a wolf hunched under a tree with its ears erect and its mouth stretched in a big grimace.

 

She says to the wolf, "My, what big ears you have!" The wolf keeps grimacing. She says, "My, what big eyes you have!" The wolf grimaces even wider, baring his teeth. She says, "My, what big teeth you have!"

 

The wolf finally snaps and says, "F**k off! I'm trying to take a dump."

[worldangel]

Joke: Your eyesight’s problem

 

A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror…

 

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.”

 

The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Brunettes & Blonde

 

Two brunettes and a blonde are attempting to fix a roof. While they are on the roof, a herd of cattle run by and knock down the ladder and leave a big pile of poop behind.

 

The two brunettes decide to make the blonde check how deep the poop is so they can jump down. So the blonde jumps down and yells, "It's only ankle deep."

 

So the two brunettes jump down and scream, "What are you talking about?! It's up to our heads!" And the blonde replies, "Well, I jumped in head first."

[worldangel]

Joke: Before the exam

 

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye. He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it. Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over.

 

The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's arse was that eye staring right back at him. "You know, " said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three guys

 

Three guys compare their levels of intoxication from a party the previous night. The first guy says, "Man, I was so drunk last night, I went home and blew chunks."

 

The second guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I woke up this morning on my front porch." The third guy says, "I was so drunk last night, I took a prostitute home to my wife."

 

The first guy exclaims, "You guys don't understand! Chunks is my dog!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The hitchhiker

 

A hitchhiker walks down the road. Unfortunately, he has the runs and has to stop every 15 minutes. A truck driver stops and offers a ride, but warns him that he won't stop for anything.

 

About 10 minutes on the road, the hitchhiker begs the truck driver to stop, and the driver tells him, "Stick your butt out the window if you have to go so bad."

 

The hitchhiker sticks his butt out the window and lets loose. Unfortunately, he doesn't notice the two guys walking on the roadside.

 

Sprayed with faeces, the first guy wipes his face and says, "What are the truckers chewing these days?"

 

The second guy wipes his face and says, "I don't know, but did you see the lips on that guy?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Toothbrush salesmen

 

Three guys begin work at a toothbrush company as salesmen. Each day, two of the guys sell twenty toothbrushes each, and the third guy consistently sells two hundred.

 

The other two guys are jealous, but they can't figure out his secret. Then, one day, they run into him at the mall, where he's set up a tobacco dip sample table. "This is your secret?" says the first guy. "Try some dip," says the third.

 

They both take a little bit o' dip. "Ech!" says the second guy. "This tastes like s**t!" "It is s**t. Would you like to buy a toothbrush?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The farmer

 

A farmer and a son live on a farm.

 

The farmer is sitting in the kitchen when his son comes in from the barn with a large glass of white liquid.

 

He is so excited because he's just milked a cow.

 

Then he takes a big drink from the glass.

 

His father just stares at him.

 

"Son, we don't have a cow. We have a bull."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doc, I have a problem

 

"Doctor, I have a problem..." "What’s your problem?" "I pee in my sleep, every night!"

 

"Why?" "Oh, well... Every night, a little devil visits me in my sleep and asks me; “Did we pee today?”.

 

"And, that’s it? The solution is so simple.. Listen to me! If the little devil comes again you’re gonna answer; 'Yeah, dude, I did!'" "And that will cut it off?"

 

"Sure! Like a knife!" At night, the little devil showed up on the patient’s dream and whispered; "Did we pee today?" "Yeah, dude, I did!" said angry the guy. And little devil replied: "What about poop?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The cowboy

 

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.

 

All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.

 

The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"

 

The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."

 

The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"

 

Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two guys

 

Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.

 

The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis. "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing." Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.

 

Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football. "Incredible!," says his friend. "Medical science is amazing!"

 

Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.

 

The next day he goes to see his friend but can't find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, "Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday."

 

The doctor thinks for a minute and says, "Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated."

[worldangel]

Joke: The hitchhiker

 

A hitchhiker walks down the road. Unfortunately, he has the runs and has to stop every 15 minutes. A truck driver stops and offers a ride, but warns him that he won't stop for anything.

 

About 10 minutes on the road, the hitchhiker begs the truck driver to stop, and the driver tells him, "Stick your butt out the window if you have to go so bad." The hitchhiker sticks his butt out the window and lets loose. Unfortunately, he doesn't notice the two guys walking on the roadside.

 

Sprayed with faeces, the first guy wipes his face and says, "What are them truckers chewing these days?" The second guy wipes his face and says, "I don't know, but did you see the lips on that guy?"

[worldangel]

Joke: In the crowded elevator

 

As the crowded elevator descended, Mrs. Simpson became too furious with her husband, who was delighted to be pressed against a gorgeous blonde.

 

As the elevator stopped at the main floor, the blonde suddenly whirled, slapped Mr. Simpson, and said, "That will teach you to pinch!"

 

Bewildered, Mr. Simpson was halfway to the parking lot with his wife when he choked, "I...I...didn't pinch that girl." "Of course you didn't" said his wife, consolingly. "I did."

[worldangel]

Joke: Doc, I have problem

 

"Doctor, I have a problem..." "What’s your problem?" "I pee in my sleep, every night!" "Why?"

 

"Oh, well... Every night, a little devil visits me in my sleep and asks me; “Did we pee today?”.

 

"And, that’s it? The solution is so simple.. Listen to me! If the little devil comes again you’re gonna answer; 'Yeah, dude, I did!'"

 

"And that will cut it off?" "Sure! Like a knife!" At night, the little devil showed up on the patient’s dream and whispered; "Did we pee today?"

 

"Yeah, dude, I did!" said angry the guy.

 

And little devil replied: "What about poop?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad habit

 

After nine years of marriage, a butcher's wife is tired of her husband's morning flatulence.

 

She warns him that he'll fart his guts out. One night, the wife decides to put pig scraps in his pants, so he will think that he actually farted his guts out and stop the flatulence. The next morning, the husband goes to the bathroom.

 

Two long hours later, he comes out and says, "You were right about me farting my guts out. But with the grace of the dear Lord and these two fingers. I got them back in there!"

Edited October 27, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A haggard old lady

 

A haggard old lady rides in a fancy hotel's elevator.

 

On the second floor, a beautiful woman steps on and arrogantly says to the old lady, "Georgio, $100 an ounce." On the next floor, an equally beautiful women steps on and says, "Chanel, $150 an ounce."

 

The old lady's floor approaches and as the doors open, she bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound."

[worldangel]

Joke: Viagra pills

 

An old man goes into a pharmacy, asks for two Viagra pills and demands that the pharmacist cut them in half.

 

The pharmacist winks at him, "OK, but do you realize they won't be as effective?"

 

The old man says, "Listen sonny, I'm 80 years old. I don't want them for sex. I need them for getting me hard enough so I don't pee on my shoes."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Monroe brothers

 

The famous Monroe brothers were hunting in the south when one of them looks up to see the strangest looking bird he's ever seen.

 

He asks his brother what type of bird it is and only gets a I don't know. They pick up their guns and start shooting at it. One says to the other "Did you hit it?"

 

The other brother says "I don't know but I made him release that man"