Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Circumcision

 

Two five-year-old boys are standing at the toilet to pee.

One says, ' Your thingy doesn't have any skin on it.'

I've been circumcised, the other one says.

What's that mean?

It means they cut the skin off at the end.'

How old were you when it was cut off?

'My mum said I was two days old.'

Did it hurt?

You bet it hurt. I couldn’t walk for a year,'

[worldangel]

Joke: The life of an egg

 

If you think life is bad now, how would you like to be an egg? You only get laid once.

 

You get eaten once. It takes four minutes to get hard, only two minutes to get soft.

 

You share your box with 11 other guys, but worst of all, the only chick that ever sat on your face was your mom!

 

So cheer up, your life isn't that bad!

Edited October 28, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Political direction

 

A good political decision is just like a miniskirt.

Short enough to sustain the interest & long enough to cover the subject.

[worldangel]

Joke: Reminiscing

 

In the restroom at the retirement center two seniors are reminiscing, one turns to the other and says; "I remember when this was my ERECTOR SET but lately, it's just a little TINKLE TOY"

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting married

 

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.

 

Your order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

[worldangel]

Joke: Q & A

 

Q: Why are eggs always depressed?

A: Because they only get laid once, they only get eaten once, the only person to ever sit on their face is their mother, and you have to boil them to make them hard.

[worldangel]

Joke: What is courage?

 

A student taking a philosophy class had a single question on his final: "What is courage?"

The student wrote: "This", signed it, and turned it in.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A bad name

 

While walking in the park, two blondes see another blonde rowing her boat on the grass.

The first blonde says to the second blonde, "its blondes like that one, that give us a bad name!"

The second blonde replies, "I know, if I could swim I would go over there and punch her!

[worldangel]

Joke: In Texas

 

A Texan in New York City needed to call a nearby community from a pay phone. “Deposit a dollar and eighty-five cents, please,” instructed the operator.

Pulling himself up to full height and using his thickest Texas drawl, he objected, “Ma’am, I’m from Texas, and in Texas we can place a call to hell and back for that price!” “I understand, sir,” retorted the operator, “but in Texas, that’s a local call.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Call wrangling

 

A young fellow just starting into cattle ranching called the old cowboy one rainy evening and said he had a cow with problems having a calf.

The old cowboy got his rope, and drove thru the rain to his neighbor's house.

The cow was standing out in the rain with her calf next to her.

The old cowboy thought she should be examined anyway.

"Has she ever had a rope on her"? "Oh, yeah, yeah! Last year”! The old cowboy twirled his rope over his head and made a perfect cast.

As soon as the rope went over the cow's head, she bolted.

In a dead run, she pulled the old cowboy around the corral on his stomach, full length in the mud, three times around the corral.

The old cowboy finally got her stopped, and looking at the young man in a rage said," I thought you said she'd had a rope on her before"!

"I had a rope on her last year, and she did the same thing then"!

[worldangel]

Joke: A little gift

 

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

"How about some perfume?" he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

"That’s a bit much," said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

"That’s still quite a bit," Tim complained. Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

"What I mean," said Tim "is I’d like to see something really cheap and nasty."

The clerk handed him a mirror.

[worldangel]

Joke: Olympics condom

 

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. 'Olympic condoms?', she blurts, 'What makes them so special?'

'There are three colours', he replies, 'Gold, Silver and Bronze.'

'What colour are you going to wear tonight?’ she asks cheekily. 'Gold of course', says the man proudly.

The wife responds, 'really, why don't you wear Silver: it would be nice if you came second for a change!’

[worldangel]

Joke: Selling fish

 

A boy is selling fish on a corner. To get his customers' attention, he is yelling, "Dam fish for sale! Get your dam fish here!" A religious man hears this and asks, "Why are you calling them 'dam fish.'"

 

The boy responds, "Because I caught these fish at the local dam." The religious man buys a couple fish, takes them home to his wife, and asks her to cook the dam fish.

 

The wife responds surprised, "I didn't know it was acceptable for a preacher to speak that way." He explains to her why they are dam fish. Later at the dinner table, he asks his son to pass the dam fish.

 

He responds, "That's the spirit, Dad! Now pass the f*cking potatoes!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Reason for divorce

 

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday.

 

My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch.

 

After lunch, she invited me to her apartment. We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said. She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

[worldangel]

Joke: Two cowboys

 

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position.

 

One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best." "I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy. "What is it?" "Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind.

 

Then you reach around, cup her tits, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almost as nice as your sisters.' Then you try and hold on for 30 seconds."

[worldangel]

Joke: Cucumber, pickle & penis

 

There is a cucumber, a pickle, and a penis. They are complaining about their lives.

 

The cucumber says, "My life sucks. I'm put in salads, and to top it off, they put ranch on me as well. My life sucks."

 

The pickle says, "That's nothing compared to my life. I'm put in vinegar and stored away. Boy my life boring. I hate life."

 

The penis says, "Why are you guys complaining? My life is so messed up that I feel like shooting myself.

 

They put me in a plastic bag, put me in a cave, and make me do push-ups until I throw up."

[worldangel]

Joke: Christmas Eve

 

It was Christmas Eve. A woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping.

 

Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed, he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. "What is that?" he asked. She said, "I visited the tattoo parlour today.

 

On the inside of one leg I had them tattoo 'Merry Christmas,' and on the inside of the other one they tattooed 'Happy New Year.'"

 

Perplexed, he asked, "Why did you do that?" "Well," she replied, "now you can't complain that there's never anything to eat between Christmas and New Year!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Home sick

 

A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

 

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

 

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal."

 

The trucker replies, "Listen darling’, I’m not horny – I’m just homesick."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three guys

 

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.

 

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"

 

The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.

 

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

[worldangel]

Joke: An overweight guy

 

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

 

As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at the end of which, the man has lost 10 pounds. After this he tries the next weight loss plan, 15 pounds in a week. The next morning an even more beautiful woman is standing at the door, in similar conditions. The same happens with her as the first woman, except he almost catches her.

 

This continues for a week, at the end of which he, as suspected, weighs 15 pounds less. Excited about this success, he decides to do the master program. Before he signs up, he is required to sign a waiver and is warned about the intensity of this plan. Still he signs up.

 

The next morning, waiting at the door, is a hulking 300 pound muscle man with nothing but a pair of running shoes, a raging erection, and a sign around his neck that says, "If I catch you, you're mine!"

 

The man was supposed to lose 25 pounds in the week; he lost 34.

[worldangel]

Joke: Three brothers

 

Three brothers are traveling along a road, and their car dies.

 

They all get out of the car, and start walking to a barn that's a little ways away. When they get their, the farmer comes out of the barn, and offers them a room for one night.

 

He says to the first one, "You can sleep with the pigs," the second guy," you can sleep with the cows", and the third guy, "I like the cut of your jib. You can sleep with my 18 daughters." The next morning, he asks everyone how they slept.

 

The first man said, "I slept like a pig." The second man said ,"I slept like a cow." The third guy said, "I slept like a rabbit. I jumped from hole, to hole, to hole."

[worldangel]

Joke: Great sex

 

There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday.

 

She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped." His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it.

 

She'll probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that. The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it.

 

She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"

[worldangel]

Joke: Cherry Hill

 

The bell rang for school to start and John walked in late. Mr. Clark asked, "John, why are you late?"

 

He replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Then he sat down. Ten minutes later Nathan walked in late and Mr. Clark repeated, "Why are you late?" Nathan answered, "I was on top of Cherry Hill."

 

Five minutes later Kevin walked in late and Mr. Clark said to him, "Kevin, where have you been?" Kevin replied, "I was on Cherry Hill." Ten minutes later a girl walked in the classroom and Mr. Clark asked, "Hi there, what's your name?"

 

The girl replied, "Cherry Hill."

[worldangel]

Joke: Soccer team

 

A man joins a soccer team and his new teammates inform him, "At your first team dinner as the new guy, you will have to give us a talk about sex."

 

The evening arrives and he gives a detailed, humorous account of his sex life. When he got home, his wife asked how the evening went and not wanting to lie, but also not wanting to explain exactly what happened, he said, "Oh, I had to make a talk about yachting," his wife thought this a little peculiar but said nothing more and went to sleep.

 

The next day she bumped into one of his new teammates at the supermarket and asked, "I heard my husband had to make a speech last night. How did it go?" His mate said smiling, 'Oh, it was excellent! Your husband is clearly very experienced!."

 

The wife looked confused and replied to his mate, "Strange, he has only done it twice and the second time he was sick."

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex education

 

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny's propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture.

Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class. One little boy raises his hand, "I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs." "Very good, William," cooed the teacher. "My mommy had a baby," said little Esther. "Oh, that's nice," replied the teacher. Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation the teacher calls on him. "I was watchin' TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Red Indians.

And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns." The teacher was relieved but puzzled, "And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?" "It'll teach those Red Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger."

[worldangel]

Joke: Cheating wife

 

Bill runs into his brother at the neighbourhood pub looking quite dejected.

Bill asks him what's wrong.

His brother Tim replies that he caught his wife and best friend in bed together.

Bill asks him what did he do?

Tim says I told my wife to pack up and get out.

What did you say to your best friend, Bill asks?

I said bad, bad dog.

[worldangel]

Joke: Give your dad a big hug

 

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother." 

 

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost interest in sex

 

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.

 

About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!"

 

The doctor says, "I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Nah," she says, "that's okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."

[worldangel]

Joke: Pre-mature ejaculation

 

A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor.

 

The doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself." That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife.

 

That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

 

The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went.

 

The man answered, "Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air."

[clementi]

Joke: On the way to funeral

 

There is nothing fun about a funeral, but despite that, I had a good laugh at the following reaction by my two children. We, along with a bunch of other relatives, were following the hearse of my late great aunt.

 

When my daughter, who always tends to focus on the morbid things in life raised the dreaded question, “Dad, what’s going to happen to us  when you die?”

 

My son who was busy texting one of his friends at the time barely glanced up from his phone. “We’ll go in the limousine dummy.”

 

[clementi]

Joke: Writing a will

 

A man hears from a doctor that his end is near so he heads over to a lawyer to write a will.  The secretary watches as the man walks into the Lawyer’s office and as three minutes later the man walks off in a huff.  

 

“Can I help you?” asks the secretary, dashing after the obviously upset man. “HELP ME? THIS GUY IS CRAZY! I asked him to help me write a will and he says to me:  ‘sure, let me just ask you a few questions and then leave it all to me.’

 

“I’ve heard before how lawyers are dishonest but this just takes the cake!”

 

[clementi]

Joke: After husband dies

 

Suzie was all alone. It was two months since her dear Herbie had passed, and she just couldn’t seem to move on. “Listen here Suzie”, said her good friend Barbara, “maybe you should go see a psychic?

 

One of my friends did it after her husband died and it made her feel so much better knowing that her dearest was happy.” So that’s how, on the next Tuesday, Suzie found herself in a dim room with a crystal ball and a psychic talking in a calm voice. “Is he here?” Suzie asked. “Yes, I sense him,” was her reply. “Can you ask him if he’s happy?” Suzie hesistanly asked.

 

“He’s putting his hand to his mouth like he wants to smoke” said the psychic. “Oh, of course” said Suzie, “he needs a cigar. Herbie can never last more then a few hours without a cigar. I guess they don’t have cigars up there. Did he say where he is or how I could get one to him?”

 

Questioned Suzie urgently. “Hmm”, said the psychic. “I can’t seem to get that question across to him. But then again,”said the psychic after a brief pause, “he didn’t say anything about needing a lighter!”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Don’t know about sex

 

A bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

 

"Okay, sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is put the prisoner in the prison." And they made love for the first time and the husband was smiling with satisfaction.

 

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped." Turning on his side, he smiles and says, "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

 

After the second time, the bride says, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!" The husband rises to the occasion and they made love again.

 

The bride again says, "Honey, the prisoner escaped again," to which the husband yelled, "Hey, it's not a life sentence!!!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The tomatoes

 

A woman is having a hard time getting her tomatoes to ripen so she goes to her neighbour with her problem.

 

The neighbour says, "All you have to do is go out at midnight and dance around in the garden naked for a few minutes, and the tomatoes will become so embarrassed, they will blush bright red."

 

The woman goes out at midnight and dances around her garden naked for a few minutes. The next morning, the neighbour comes over to the woman's house and asks the woman if her tomatoes have turned red.

 

The woman says "No, they're still green, but I noticed the cucumbers grew four inches!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Give me the assurance

 

I was sitting on my own in a restaurant, when I saw a beautiful woman at another table. I sent her a bottle of the most expensive wine on the menu.

 

She sent me a note, “I will not touch a drop of this wine unless you can assure me that you have seven inches in your pocket.”

 

I wrote back, “Give me the wine. As gorgeous as you are, I'm not cutting off three inches for anyone.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Old couple

 

An old couple is ready to go to sleep.

 

The old man lies on the bed but the old woman lies down on the floor.

 

The old man asks, ''Why are you going to sleep on the floor?''

 

The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandma’s idea

 

A man is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandfather is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

 

"Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaims.

 

The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer his grandson.

 

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asks again.

 

The old man slyly looks at him and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck.

 

This was your Grandma's idea!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Is that you, Bubba?

 

One weekend, a husband is in the bathroom shaving when the local kid Bubba he hired to mow his lawn, comes in to pee.

 

The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is. "Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

 

The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost.

 

His wife, half-asleep,  said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Tell the court

 

“Will you tell the court how far you were from the spot where the shooting occurred?” asked a defence lawyer.

“I was exactly ten feet, two-and-one-half inches,” replied the witness.

“How can you be sure of the exact distance?” asked the lawyer.

“I carefully measured it because I was sure sooner or later some fool would ask that question.”

Edited October 30, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: At gynaecologist’s clinic

 

A gynaecologist notices that a new patient is nervous. While putting on the latex gloves, he asks her if she knows how they make latex gloves.

 

The patient says no.

 

The doctor says, "There is a plant in Mexico full of latex that people of various hand sizes dip their hands into and let them dry.

 

She does not crack a smile, but later she laughs.

 

The doctor says, "What's so funny?"

 

She says, "I'm imagining how they make condoms."

[worldangel]

Joke: The devil walks into a bar

 

The Devil walks into a crowded bar. When the people see who it is,they all run out except this one old man.

 

So the devil walks up to him and says" Do you know who I am?" and the old man sips his beer and answers "yep". The Devil says "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

 

The old man looks over and says" I've been married to your sister for 27 years, why the hell should I be scared of you."

[worldangel]

Joke: Help Desk

 

A Help desk guy speaking to a lady user...

 

Help desk: Double click on "My Computer".

 

Lady: I can't see your computer...

 

Help desk: No... click on "My Computer" on your computer.

 

Lady: How the hell can I click on your computer from my computer?!

 

Help desk: There is an icon labelled "My Computer" on your computer... double click on it...

 

Lady: What the hell is your computer doing on my computer?

[worldangel]

Joke: At pharmacy

 

He went to the pharmacy and bought a bottle of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant.

 

Upon returning home, his wife said "I've been thinking, there's no reason we can't go for a month." Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant. When he returned his wife said, "Since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?"

 

He went back and bought 200 bottles of seasick pills and more tubes of lubricant. The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, I don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A young couple

 

A young couple was married, and celebrated their first night together, doing what newlyweds do, time and time again, all night long. Morning comes and the groom goes into the bathroom but finds no towel when he emerges from the shower.

 

He asks the bride to please bring one from the bedroom. When she gets to the bathroom door, he opened the door, exposing his body for the first time to his bride where she sees all of him well.

 

Her eyes went up and down and at about midway, they stopped and stared, and she asked shyly, "What's that?", pointing to a small part of his anatomy. He, also being shy, thought for a minute and then said, "Well, that's what we had so much fun with last night."

 

She, in amazement, asked, "Is that all we have left?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Independence Day

 

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he irritatingly answered, going out the door to the office.

 

At 11 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a bouquet of red roses.

 

At 2 PM, a two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "

 

First the flowers, then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful ‘Independence day' in all my life!"

[worldangel]

Joke: My precious time

 

If I've invested precious time and energy in a relationship, and I've been honest and open, hanging and coping, true blue, a good screw, to some fly guy who's out constantly getting high, then I'm dumped suicide is not one of my thoughts.

 

I'm thinking maybe homicide.

Edited October 31, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: First Date

 

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work.

 

These are food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds. He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.

 

He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns. After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list.

 

He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again. The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Three guys

 

Three guys talk in a bar. Two discuss how they are king in their castles and how much their wives respect them.

 

The third guy remains quiet. Finally, one guy turns to the quiet guy and asks, "What about you? Do you rule your roost?"

 

The quiet guy says, "Well, just the other night, my wife came to me on her hands and knees." "What happened then?" they ask.

 

"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"

[worldangel]

Joke: Fairgrounds

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds.

 

The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel, but the husband wasn’t comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself.

 

The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband’s feet. ”Are you hurt?” he asked.

 

”Of course I’m hurt!” she replied. “Three times around and you didn’t wave once!”

[worldangel]

Joke: The young bride

 

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love-making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed.

 

This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc. Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state.

 

Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down sizing and it's effects on a 50 year old executive. Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 12 years totaling nearly $1 million dollars.

 

Pointing across the parking lot she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank. She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.

 

By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car. She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"