Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Last day

 

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly.

 

“Is everything okay, pal?”, the bartender asks.

 

“My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn’t talking to me for a month!”.

 

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing.

 

You know, a little peace and quiet?” “Yeah. But today is the last day”.

[worldangel]

Joke: The newlywed wife

 

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you.

 

Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

 

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

 

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

[worldangel]

Joke: How I was born?

Daddy, how was I born ?

The father answers, 'Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway!

Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

We sneaked into a secluded room and googled each other.

There your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive.

As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said: 'You got Mail!

[worldangel]

Joke: A grandma getting in trouble

 

Bobby was sitting on the porch talking to his Grandpa when he innocently asked, “Grandpa, do you know how to make animal sounds?” “I sure do” Grandpa replied.

 

“What sort of animal sound would you like to hear?” “How about a toad? Do you know how to sound like a toad?” “Sure”, said Grandpa, cupping his hand to his mouth, “croaaak croaaak, how did you like that?!” “Yipee!” screamed Bobby jumping up and down, “We are going to Miami!” “Huh?” Questioned Grandpa.

 

“Why’s that?” “Because Grandma said so,” Bobby patiently explained, “she said that after you croak we’ll all go to Miami!”
 

Edited November 1, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Dying fears

 

Adam woke up suddenly, sweating all over.  “What’s the problem”, asked his wife.  “Are you OK?”   “I just dreamed that I died!” responded a shaken Adam.  

 

“And it was so bad up there, and that’s why you’re sweating all over?” asked his wife.  “You bet!” exclaimed Adam.  “I got up there, and was right in front of the Heaven himself, when he suddenly sneezed…..and I didn’t know what to say to him!  Whoa was that traumatic!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Money talks

 

Eddy was just a regular guy except for the fact that he was an only child and the fact that his billionaire father was breathing his last.

 

Since Eddy was a soon to be billionaire it only made sense that he should have a woman to share his riches with. Eddy approached his childhood crush. “Hey Sandra, I may look like a regular guy, but I’m soon gonna be a billionaire! Do you wanna come home with me?”

 

“Sure thing” Sandra replied, “I would love to come home with you.” And that’s the story how Sandra became Eddie’s Stepmother.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Last wishes

 

Old Max had started out as a diamond cutter, and through hard work and good judgement he finally became the owner of a National chain of jewelry stores.

 

He was wealthy indeed. But now, he lay dying, so he called his wife to his side. “Hannah,” he began, “I always meant to draw up a will but somehow I never got around to it. So pay close to attention to my last wishes.” “Yes, Max, I am listening,” Hannah wept. “Whatever you want, it will be done.” “First of all, the business I leave to Harry.” “Oh, no, Max, not to Harry!” his wife protested.

 

“With Harry it’s girl-girls-girls! Leave the business better to Jerome. He’s at least reliable and has a good head for figures.” “Alright, let it be Jerome,” sighed the dying man. “To Harry I leave the stocks and bonds.” “Better you should leave me the stocks and bonds. I should take care he doesn’t squander it on women or cards.” “Very well, in your name I leave the securities. And the summer house I leave to our sweet Minnie.” “Minnie!” exclaimed his wife.

 

“What for what does Minnie need another summer house? Her husband didn’t buy her one last year? Give it to Anna – her husband is a poor man. After all she’s our flesh and blood too.” “Fine! Anna gets the summer house,” he sighed resignedly. “And to our youngest Abe, I leave the car and the warehouses.”

 

“But Abe has already 2 cars. What does he need with another one? And he wants to be a musician – what would he do with warehouses? Take my advice and give them to Louis.”

 

That did it! Old Max had taken all he could of his wife’s interference. Raising himself off the pillow and summoning his last ounce of strength, he snapped, “Hannah, you are a good women and have been a fine wife and mother. But listen – who the hell is dying around here – you or me?”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Driving

 

The one thing that drove me absolutely crazy about my boyfriend Bill was the way he  drove. He would insist on driving in the dead center of a two way intersection, and no matter how much I complained, sulked, and threatened, nothing made a dent.  

 

The only consolation I found was the thought that at least the cars coming towards us, were staying in their lane.  Sure enough, I soon resigned myself to my fate, but I would still cringe all too often while on the road. Well, the day finally came when I was to meet Bill’s family.

 

We headed to the small hick town that he was from in Pennsylvania, and had a grand ol’ time with his folks. It was when we went out for a drive in the old family pick up that I learned that things could get quite a bit worse. “Don’t worry about my husband’s driving in the center of the road,” said Bill’s mom with a big friendly smile, as we headed onto a two way intersection.  “THAT’S WHAT EVERYONE DOES AROUND HERE!!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Handyman husband

 

“Honey!” screamed my husband from our bedroom, “you MUST check this out! “What is it?” I hollered back from the kitchen.

 

“You’re not going to believe what I found when I was drilling a hole through the wall! I found a secret stash of bottles!” Just then my I heard my daughter’s voice hollering from the bathroom, “I’m trying to brush my teeth in here! Who the hell is drilling a hole through the medicine cabinet!?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Feeling pregnant

 

“Ok everyone,” said the the instructor at the birthing class trying to get everyone’s attention. “We are going to do an exercise now, that’s purpose is to help the men sympathize with their partners.” “We have here what’s called a pregnancy suit,” said the woman instructor, holding up an artificial stomach with a strap.  

 

“This imitates the feeling of being pregnant.” Which Husband volunteers to be the first one to try it on?” “I will” said one man, taking the suit and trying it on.  “This isn’t too bad said the man walking around. I think I could get used to this.” “Ok”, said the instructor smiling, “now I would like you to bend down and pick up my pen from the floor.” “You want me to pick it up?”  he said hesitantly,  “just as I would if I was pregnant?” “

 

Yes!” said the instructor. “Honey,” said the man turning to his spouse “do you mind picking up that pen for me?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The proposal

 

Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance. Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old.

 

He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.” Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another.

 

As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!” “Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”

[worldangel]

Joke: At the movie

 

We went to see a movie the other night. I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier.

 

Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. “Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me.”

 

By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, “Couldn’t you have done this a little earlier?” “No!” she said in a loud whisper.

 

“The ‘TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE’ message just flashed up on the screen and mine is in the car.”

[worldangel]

Joke: It’s a mop

 

One day a little boy sees his mother stepping out of the shower and curiously points to her triangle of hair and asks, "Mommy, what's that?"

 

"That's my mop", she replies. The little boy then asks, "Where is the handle?" The mother replies, "Oh, Dad is going to put it on tonight."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: $200

 

A woman gets out of the bath and puts on a towel.

Her husband comes into the bathroom to go to the toilet.

The doorbell rings. The woman goes to answer it wearing only the towel. She opens the door to find her next door neighbour Bob standing on the doorstep.

Bob wolf whistles and says 'I'll give you $200 if you drop the towel'. The woman doesn't want to miss out on $200, so she drops the towel.

Bob takes a good look at the naked woman then says his goodbyes and leaves.

As the woman closes the door her husband comes down stairs. 'Who was that?' He asks.

'It was Bob' she says. 'Oh right, did he give you that $200 that he owes me?'

[worldangel]

Joke: Two paratroopers

 

Two paratroopers are sitting in a cafe for breakfast when one says to the other, “I have had a terrible morning at about 3:00 in the morning zis big 'airy man comes up to me and tells me if I want to join ze army I need to follow 'im. So off I go to a plank raised 10 feet from ze ground and he tells me to jump."

"So did you jump," the other French man said.

"Of course not, I told him I’m a French paratrooper it is below my dignity to jump 10 feet. So he took me to another platform, 50 feet from ze ground and told me to jump." "And did you jump," the other French man said.

"Of course not, I told him I'm a French paratrooper, it was below my dignity to jump 50 feet. So he took me to zis platform 200 feet from ze ground, pulled down his trousers and took out zis big 'airy willy and told me if I didn't jump he would stick it up my ass.

" So did you jump," the other French man said.

" A little bit at first."

[worldangel]

Joke: Stolen car

 

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Sad man

 

A man in a bar saw a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he commented, "You look terrible. What's the problem?".

"My mother died in June", he said, "and left me $10,000".

"Gee, that's tough", he replied.

"Then in July", the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000".

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed".

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000".

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad".

"Then this month", continued the friend, "Nothing!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Stolen car

 

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake."

[worldangel]

Joke: Heroic act

 

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now is considered to be mentally stable. The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays soundness of the mind."

"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. When can I go home?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Under the carpet

 

One afternoon a carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize that he had lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," the carpet layer said to himself. So, he got out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my parakeet."

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunk robbery

 

A drunk had 14 shots of tequilla. After he decides to go home.

2 minutes later the drunk runs back in the bar. He asks the bartender for the phone, and the drunk calls 911, "Is there a problem, sir," asks the operator. "Yes," replies the drunk replies, "someone broke into my car, they stole the stearing wheel, the brake pedal, the accelerator and even the dashboard."

Minutes later police arrive on the scene.

The drunk goes up to the head officer and says, "Nevermind,  I got into the backseat by mistake."

[worldangel]

Joke: Havaii

 

Two people are discussing whether the state of Hawaii is pronounced "Havaii" or "Hawaii". So they stood there arguing and arguing, until they decided to ask a person that was walking by. They asked the gentleman: "Excuse me sir, is Hawaii pronounced "Havaii" or "Hawaii"?

The gentleman said, "Havaii".

So they both looked at each other, and as the gentleman was leaving, one of the two said to him, "Thank you".

The gentleman replied and said: "You’re velcome"!

[worldangel]

Joke: English lessons

 

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Striking up the conversation

 

Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane.

One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first:

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow, big patties, and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know shit?"

[worldangel]

Joke: New rooster

 

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fart, time to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over."

The old rooster says "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by, one right behind the other. He grabs his shotgun and BOOM! -- he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head, "Damn...third gay rooster I've bought this month."

[worldangel]

Joke: Flasher

 

There were three little old ladies sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

The first lady immediately had a stroke.

Then the second lady also had a stroke.

But the third lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

Edited November 3, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Pet lobsters

 

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Weird counting

 

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.

His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.

He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Pulling horse

 

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help his with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitced Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, Pull!", but Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!", but buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!", still nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" and the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A business decision

 

The shopkeeper was disturbed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... Main entrance.

[worldangel]

Joke: A bad stutter

 

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"

And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

Edited November 3, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: It’s about life

 

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree. Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby. "Gentlemen," the Devil started, "Due to the fact that Heaven is now overcrowded, St. Peter has agreed to limit the number of people entering Heaven.

 

If anyone of you can ask me a question which I don't know or cannot answer, then you're worthy enough to go to Heaven; if not, then you'll come with me to Hell." The philosopher then stepped up, "OK, give me the most comprehensive report on Socrates' Socrates' teachings." With a snap of his finger, a stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The philosopher read it and concluded it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the philosopher disappeared.

 

The mathematician then asked, "Give me the most complicated formula ever theorized!" With a snap of his finger, another stack of paper appeared next to the Devil. The mathematician read it and reluctantly agreed it was correct. "Then, go to Hell!" With another snap of his finger, the mathematician disappeared too. The idiot then stepped forward and said, "Bring me a chair!"

 

The Devil brought forward a chair. "Drill 7 holes on the seat." The Devil did just that. The idiot then sat on the chair and let out a very loud fart. Standing up, he asked, "Which hole did my fart come out from?" The Devil inspected the seat and said, "The third hole from the right." "Wrong," said the idiot, "it's from my asshole." And the idiot went to heaven.

[worldangel]

Joke: The Marine

 

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where." "Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost.

 

But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you." "No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?" Asked the manager. "Never better."

 

The manager was impressed. No problem with the other guy snoring, then?" "Nope, I shut him up in no time." Said the Marine. "How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. "He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two bums

 

Two bums are sitting talking. The first one starts bragging, "Today was the best day ever! This morning I found a brand new pack of smokes just sitting on the ground. So you know what I did? I sat and smoked every fucking one of them... had the best day ever." 

 

The second bum just laughs, "That's nothing, today I was walking along the rail road tracks and I found this girl laying on the tracks. You know what I did? I fucked her all day long." The other bum interrupts, "Bull! You didn't do it all day long did you?", the other continues, "Well, no but it was for at least a few good hours, best day of my life." The first bums asks, "So did she give you a good blowjob?"

 

The other replies no. "How could you possibly be getting busy with this girl for hours, and she doesn't even give you a blow job?" To which the other replies, "How could she? She didn't have a head!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Quintuplets

 

A team of doctors attended the delivery of quintuplets who were able to walk immediately after the umbilical cords were cut.

 

The senior doctor was asked to explain this unusual occurrence. ‘I guess they had a lot of practice,’ said the doctor. ‘What do you mean, “practice”?’ asked a junior colleague. ‘They were just born!’

 

The doctor replied, ‘Well, it was standing womb only.’

[worldangel]

Joke: Spinster

 

"But my elderly aunt was considered a highly respectable spinster!" the society matron protested.

 

"Can't you find some way to cover up the shocking fact that she died in bed while being simultaneously serviced by two paid studs???"

 

"You just leave it to me, Mrs. Van Horn," soothed the police officer. "I'll just put it in my report that she died at the stroke of two."

[worldangel]

Joke: When a woman ……….

 

When a woman found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news.

 

One day later that week, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping. A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby. "Yes", he said. "I know what we're going to name it.

 

If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it quits.

[worldangel]

Joke: Local policeman

 

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife. "You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."

 

"Oh yes dear, what happened?" "I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."

 

"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them?" "Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."

[worldangel]

Joke: Fulfilling the wish

 

A couple of kids in the South get pulled over for speeding. When the trooper approaches the car, the driver says 'What's the problem, sir?'.

 

The trooper takes out his machined aluminium flashlight and whacks the kid across the head saying 'You don't speak to a state trooper unless you're spoken to'. The trooper writes out the citation and gives it to the driver who responds 'Thanks a lot'.

 

The trooper again gives the kid a dose of the flashlight and says 'When you address a state trooper, you finish your sentence with the word sir'. He then walks over to the passenger side and whacks the other kid with the flashlight.

 

The kid says 'What was that for, sir?' The trooper says 'I was just fulfilling your wish. Y'all wouldn't have gotten 100 yards down this road before you'd have said to your friend, "I wish he'd have hit me with that flashlight", so I fulfilled your wish.

[worldangel]

Joke: Urgent message

 

A policeman is driving along the road when he gets an urgent message on his radio telling him there has been a dead body found in an ice cream van just down the road.

 

He rushes to the scene where he discovers a man's body, with chocolate flakes up each nostril, raspberry sauce all over his head and he is covered from head to toe in hundreds of thousands of sprinkles.

 

A puzzled onlooker asks the policeman what he thinks has happened, to which the policeman replies: "It looks like he's topped himself."

[worldangel]

Joke: I have a dollar

 

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.

 

The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."

 

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served.

 

Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking. "You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

 

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?" The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

[worldangel]

Joke: Double martini

 

A man enters the bar and orders a double martini.

 

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

 

The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.” The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Flip it over

 

A man had an idea that could make him rich. After it was perfected he brought it to an inventors' help group. When asked what his great invention was, he pulled out an apple.

 

The group looked at it and started laughing. The inventor said, "You don't understand! Taste it." A volunteer tried it and said, "Mmmmmmm, tastes like peaches." The inventor said, "Flip it over."

 

He flipped it over and took another chunk of the apple. "Mmmmmmmm, tastes like grapes." The inventor offered a new apple and the volunteer said, "What does it taste like?" "Pussy," said the inventor.

 

The guy bit into it, and spit it out with an awful look on his face and shouted, "That tasted like ass!" The inventor winked and said, "Flip it over."

[worldangel]

Joke: Most wanted

 

An elementary school class goes on a field trip to the police station.

The Officer points to the 10 MOST WANTED list and tells them that these are the most wanted fugitives in the USA.

Little Boy says " He is the MOST WANTED in the USA?!"

Officer says "yes".

Little Boy asks "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A computer illiterate person

 

A computer illiterate person continually called the Computer Information Services department with trouble.

Repeatedly the IS manager would send someone to see what was wrong.

It was always simple and always came from stupidity.

The man simply didn't know what he was doing.

The user always asked the tech what was wrong, although he never understood the answers the service techs gave him.

Finally exasperated, one service tech explained to the user, as he picked up his tools and walked away "It was a I D Ten T error."

As usual, the user shook his head in confusion. The tech answered, "write it out", laughed and left. What was the error? IDIOT

[worldangel]

Joke: It’s a mop

 

One day a little boy sees his mother stepping out of the shower and curiously points to her triangle of hair and asks, "Mommy, what's that?"

 

"That's my mop", she replies. The little boy then asks, "Where is the handle?" The mother replies, "Oh, Dad is going to put it on tonight."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Talent agency

 

A family walks into a talent agency.

 

It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

 

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute." The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

 

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

[worldangel]

Joke: Format

 

In a car there are two persons: a car mechanic and a programmer.

 

They were going to work when suddenly the car broke down.

 

The car mechanic tries to make the car work again but no solution.

 

Suddenly the programmer says: I say we better FORMAT it!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: At the bar

 

A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots." Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?" The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny three inch man out of his pocket.

 

The bartender asks "He can drink?" "Oh, sure. He can drink." So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?" The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that."

 

The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man. The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

 

The man says "Sure he talks. Hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Complimentary peanuts

 

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. "Hey, nice tie!" comes out of nowhere.

 

He looks up at the bartender to see if he had said anything, but since he was on the other side of the bar the man just ignores it. "Hey! Nice shirt!"

 

The man looks up but, again, the bartender is engaged elsewhere. "Hey! Nice suit!" The man then calls the bartender over and asks him if he keeps talking to him.

 

"It's not me, it's the complimentary peanuts."