Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Superman

 

There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!"

 

The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again."

 

So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in."

 

The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman."

[worldangel]

Joke: About 75 cents

 

This guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 10 glasses and start filling them up with beer.

 

So the bartender starts filling the glasses up with beer, and the man is right behind him drinking them straight down. The bartender says, "hay buddy what's your hurry?"

 

The man replies, "if you had what I have you would do the same thing." The bartender backs up and says, "what do you have?" The man answers, "about 75 cents!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Internet Power 

 

Wikipedia: I know everything!

 

Google: I have everything!

 

Facebook: I know everybody!

 

Internet: Without me you are nothing!

 

Electricity: Keep talking bitches!

[worldangel]

Joke: Three retirees

 

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were having a conversation one fine Sunday evening. One remarked to the other, ‘I got a new hearing device and it works fine?'

 

The second said, ‘oh yes, my grandchildren just love the gifts of my choice.' The third one who noticed the hearing device in the ear of the first one asked, what kind is it?'

 

The one with the brand new hearing device answered ‘about 6 O'clock'. All three of them looked up in the birds in the sky and said, "Birds of the same feather ‘flock' together."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Serious Drunk

 

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and hugged her.

 

She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

 

"You worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

[worldangel]

Joke: Serious Drunk

 

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and hugged her.

 

She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "You worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

 

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

[worldangel]

Joke: New job

 

Harry applies for a job at a finance company, the manager tells him the job is his if he can crack their toughest account.

 

Harry goes off and comes back two hours later having recovered the entire amount. ‘Amazing!’ says the manager.

 

‘How did you do it?’ ‘Easy,’ replies Harry. ‘I said that if he didn’t pay us, I’d tell all his other creditors he had.’

[worldangel]

Joke: Bring on your rats

 

The proprietor of the general store at the cross-roads had his place overrun by rats, and the damage was such that he offered a hundred dollars reward to anyone who would rid him of the pests.

 

A disreputable-appearing person turned up one morning, and announced that he was a professional rat-killer. "Get to work," the store-keeper urged. "I must have a pound of cheese," the killer declared. When this had been provided: "Now give me a quart of whiskey."

 

Equipped with the whiskey, the professional spoke briskly: "Now show me the cellar." An hour elapsed, and then the rat-catcher galloped up the cellar stairs and leaped into the store.

 

His face was red, the eyes glaring, and he shook his fists in defiance of the world at large, as he jumped high in air and shouted: "Whoopee! I'm ready! bring on your rats!"

 

 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Accident

 

The policeman arrived at the scene of an accident to find that a car had struck a telephone pole. Searching for witnesses, he discovered a pale, nervous young man in work clothes who claimed he was an eyewitness.

 

"Exactly where were you at the time of the accident?" inquired the officer. "Mister," exclaimed the telephone lineman, "I was at the top of the pole!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Considering cop

 

Two men are driving through London when they get pulled over by a cop.
The cop walks up and taps on the window with his stick.

 

The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?".
The officer answers, "You're in London son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."

The officer does a check on the driver's license, and he's O.K..
He gives the man his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him on the head with the stick. The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"

The officer says, "Just making your wish come true."

The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"
The officer says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your friend here, "I wish that a*shole would've tried that sh*t with me!"

Edited November 7, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: House pet

 

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender looks at the guy and asks: "What's wrong with your turtle?" "Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!" "Not a chance!", replies the barkeep. "

 

Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there." So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees.

 

The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog. Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says - "I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!"

[worldangel]

Joke: You even sound exactly like her

 

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

 

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." "Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable assh*le!" she screamed. "Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

[worldangel]

Joke: Sleeping pill

 

An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill"!

[worldangel]

Joke: Fishing outing

 

Two guys are fishing when one of them catches a fish. He brings it in the boat and as he cuts it open to clean it, a genie pops out and says, "Thanks for freeing me. I will grant you one wish."

 

The fisherman looks around and says, "Well, we are almost out of beer, how about you turn this whole damn lake into beer". *POOF* the genie grants his wish and leaves.

 

His partner slaps him on the chest and says, "What the hell did you do that for, now we have to piss in the boat!!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Horseback riding

 

A blonde goes horseback riding for the first time in her life, she's never had any prior lessons or training. As soon as her bottom hits the saddle, the horse gallops away. Immediately the girl realizes she's not in the saddle correctly and she does everything she can to stay on the horse, she pulls on the horse's mane, she grabs the saddle ... but she realizes it's no use.

 

Finally she decides the best thing to do is to jump clear of the horse but as she does this, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup and she is dragged by the horse. Her head is hitting the ground ... thump ... thump ... thump ... over and over again. Just as she is about to lose consciousness ..... the store manager runs out and unplugs the horse!

[worldangel]

Joke: Elderly proposal

 

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

[worldangel]

Joke: Kayak accidents

 

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

[worldangel]

Joke: Drowning

 

Twenty feet below sea level, a diver notices another guy at the same depth with no scuba gear.

 

The diver goes down another 10 feet, and the guy joins him a minute later. The diver goes below 15 more feet, and a minute later, the same guy joins him.

 

The diver takes out a waterproof pad and pencil and writes, "How are you able to stay this deep without equipment?" The guy takes the pencil and pad and writes, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The envelopes

 

The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me first," and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.

He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third."

The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.

Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.

After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for every thing".

Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.

A few months later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government for everything".

It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.

A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes to the third envelope and it reads, "Prepare 4 new envelopes".

[worldangel]

Joke: Heavy drinker

 

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, “Quick pour me twelve drinks ?”

So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, “Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast ?”

 

The guy says, “Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what I've got “

 

The bartender says, “What've you got?”

 

The guy says, “75 cents ?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Spitting in the drink

 

A guy goes into a bar. He orders a beer, and after a while he needs to go to the toilet. Because he is afraid someone will drink his beer, he puts a small note on it that says: "I spit in this beer, do not drink!".

 

After a few minutes he returns, and there is another note on the beer, saying "So did I!".

Edited November 8, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Embarrassing moment

 

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.

Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Everybody drinks

 

A guy walks into a bar and shouts, "When I drink, everybody drinks!". Everybody is cheering him and applauding like crazy.

 

Feeling great, he finishes his beer, asks for another one and shouts, "When I drink again, everybody drinks again!". Once again, everybody is cheering him, he is the hero of the bar.

 

When he is done drinking, he pulls out his wallet and shouts, "When I pay, everybody pays!".

Edited November 8, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Improving sex life

 

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he
could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor. He gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests, then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts."

"Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife's 'love canal'.
Then, on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue."

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his 'love pole'. Then, like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."

The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them. He conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help."

The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us."

"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios..."

Edited November 8, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Memory test

 

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test.
The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"
"274" was his reply.

The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday" replies the second man.
The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?

"Nine" says the third man.

"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?
"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

Edited November 8, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad accident

 

A man came to the hospital after a serious accident.

 

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

 

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off."

Edited November 8, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Craving for chili

 

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?"

"Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."

The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.

"Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked.

"No, help yourself," replied his neighbor.

The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.

The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."

[worldangel]

Joke: Free riders

 

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Without glasses

 

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap.

I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good, too!"

[worldangel]

New partner

 

A businessman called his lazy son into his office and announces some great news: "From now on, son, I'd like you to become a full-time partner in the company. now, which part of the company would you like to be in charge of?".

 

"Well", said the son, "I hate the shipping room, I get a panic attack whenever I am inside the bookkeeping department, I can't get along with the people at sales"...

 

His father stopped him and said: "Well then, what WOULD you like the most, as a full-time partner"?
The son replied: "I guess the most of all, I'd like you to buy me out".

Edited November 9, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Vaseline

 

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Steve’s girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend's house.

She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven't done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn't exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Steve and his girlfriend resume their places at the dinner table, nobody says a word.

A few minutes later, Steve grabs his girlfriend’s mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.

Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.

With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and exclaims, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the damn dishes!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Black testicles

 

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k?

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost glass eye

 

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.

He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him.

"You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

[swimming_trunk]

[worldangel]

Joke: Obsessions

 

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go".

[worldangel]

Joke: Alien sex

 

A newlywed couple decide that instead of going on an expensive honeymoon, they would get a case of beer and go out to the local lake. As they are sitting out there drinking and having fun, and alien ship comes down and a male and female alien get off of the ship.

"Do not worry," they said. "We come in peace. We want to party."

The newlyweds decide to let them party with them as it would be a great story to tell their children. After a while the male alien asked if it would be okay if he were to take the human woman on his ship and have sex with her. He said that the female alien will stay on the ground and have sex with the human male. the couple agreed to try it out.

The woman went onto the ship with the male alien and as they got undressed she noticed that he was not well endowed. She began to giggle. He looked at her and said that she was not to worry. He reached up and tugged on his right ear and his penis grew five inches. He then tugged on his left ear and it expanded an inch and a half in girth. They had sex and then went back down to join the other two. The woman walked up to her husband and he said:

"Now honey, don't lie...how was it?
She looked at him and said.."I won't lie...it was the best sex I have ever had in my life....how was yours?"

He gave her a bewildered look and said..."I don't know...she wouldn't stop tugging on my ears."

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny & his Grandpa

 

One day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa smoking his cigarettes.

 

Little Johnny asked, "Grandpa, can I smoke some of your cigarettes?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No", said Little Johnny.

 

His grandpa replied, "Then you're not old enough." The next day, Little Johnny saw his grandpa drinking beer. He asked, "Grandpa, can I drink some of your beer?" His grandpa replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" "No" said Little Johnny.

 

"Then you're not old enough." his grandpa replied. The next day, Little Johnny was eating cookies. His grandpa asked, "Can I have some of your cookies?" Little Johnny replied, "Can your penis reach your asshole?" His grandpa replied, "It most certainly can!" Little Johnny replied, "Then go fuck yourself.

[worldangel]

Joke: Hair colour

 

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him. The boy's hair was yellow, green, orange, and purple. He had black makeup around his eyes. The old man just stared at him. 

Finally the boy said, "what's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" 

The old man thought for a while and answered, "well yes actually, I have, I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fred & Mary

 

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

 

She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

 

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"

 

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

[worldangel]

Joke: Legacy

 

Two friends meet in the street. One looked forlorn and almost on the verge of tears. The other man said, "Hey, how come you look like the whole world caved in?"

The sad fellow said, "Let me tell you. Three weeks ago, an uncle died and left me fifty thousand."

"That's not bad."

"Hold on, I'm just getting started. Two weeks ago, a cousin I never knew kicked the bucket and left me ninty thousand."

"I'd like that."

"Last week my grandfather passed away. I inherited almost a quarter of a million."

"How you look so glum?"

"This week nothing!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Costly perfume

 

An old woman is riding in an elevator in a very lavish New York City building when a young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.

 

She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Romance" by Ralph Lauren, $150 an ounce!"

 

Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, "Chanel No. 5, $200 an ounce!"

 

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eye, then bends over and farts and says, "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

[worldangel]

Joke: Speeding ticket

 

A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour. When she noticed a policeman following her, instead of slowing down, she picked up speed.

When she looked back again, their were two cops on motorcycles following her.

She shot up to 80 miles. The next time she looked around, there were three cops following her.

Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead.

She screeched to a stop and ran into the ladies' room.

Ten minutes later, she innocently walked out.

The three cops were standing there waiting for her.

Without batting an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Shameless man

 

Lady calls up police department: Officer, there is a man exposing himself in the next building.

Officer: OK, we'll be right over, lady.

Five minutes later at her apartment.

Officer: Which way, lady?

Lady: This way officer, he's still shamelessly baring himself.

Officer: Where is he, lady? I don't see no without clothes man.

Lady: Oh, you have to look through this telescope.

[worldangel]

Joke: Sunburn

 

A doctor is making his rounds in the hospital when he comes upon a guy with the worst case of sunburn he has ever seen. The poor guy is burnt raw from head to toe and is in agony. He says to the doctor, "Is there anything you can give me to ease this terrible pain?" 

So the doctor says, "Yes, I'll prescribe you some Viagra". 

"Viagra?" says the poor guy. "How will that help my sunburn?". 

"It won't help your sunburn much" says the doctor, "but at least it'll keep the sheets off it!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: About the heart

 

One fine day at school, the teacher was teaching all the students about the heart.

After she had finished she said, “If any one has any doubts about what I have taught please ask".

A boy stands up and asks," Teacher, does the heart have legs"?

She replies, “no it doesn’t. What makes you ask such a question"?

He replies, "Last night when I went into my parent’s bedroom I ove heard my dad saying SWEET HEART spread your LEGS
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunken captain

 

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore.

As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself.

Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the lockup for vomiting!"

The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.

"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he'd also took a dump in your pants."

[worldangel]

Joke: The popular girl

 

Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date.

"So how'd it go, Joe?" asked Bill.

"Terrible," admitted Joe. "The moment we got back to her place the phone started ringing. There must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting to ask her out. It never stopped, and we never even got started."

Bill tried to comfort him, "It could have been worse, Joe. After all, an attractive young woman's allowed to have her number in the phone book, now isn't she?"

"Yeah," Joe replied, "but not in the Yellow Pages!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Punishment in hell

 

Three men died and went to hell. When they get there the devil asks the first guy why he was there and he replied "I have a drinking problem."

so the devil puts him in a room with every kind of alcohol he can imagine, then he locks the door.

He then asks the 2nd guy why he was there the guy then says, "I can't stop cheating on my wife." The devil then puts him in a room with the hottest girl ever and locks the door.

Then he asks the last guy why he was there he reply "I’m a pot smoker.” So the devil locks him in a room with lots and lots of pot.

In a hundred years the devil comes back and unlocks the first door and the guy comes out and says,” I will never drink again! "So the devil sends him to heaven.

He goes to the 2nd door and opens it and the guy comes out and says" I will never look at another woman again!" so the devil sends him to heaven.

Finally he goes to the third door and opens it and goes in and there is the pot smoker sitting there with tears coming down his face.

When devil asks him what is wrong he replies, " Hey man you got a light?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Toughen up

 

My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.

He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After a while he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute!

Eventually, he even started putting potatoes in the sacks.

[worldangel]

Joke: Old ain’t dumb

 

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could out do anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 

'Why don't you put your money where your mouth is,' he said. 

'I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that building that you won't be able to wheel back. 

'You're on, old man,' the braggart replied. Let's see you do it.' 

The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. 

Then, nodding to the young man, he said, 'All right, Dumb Ass, get in.'