Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Substitution

 

Talking with a friend on the street corner, the drunk said. “You know, I’ll never forget the first time I turned to the bottle as a substitute for women.”

“Why?” said the friend.

“What happened?” The drunk replied, “I got my dong stuck in the bottle.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex-lax

 

Man walks into the pharmacy and asks for some sex-lax.

 

The pharmacist replies, “You mean Ex-lax.”

The man says, “No, I mean Sex-lax – I don’t have any trouble going!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Check-up

 

An elderly couple visits the doctor so the wife who is feeling poorly gets a check-up.

The old man waits in the waiting room while the old lady is in the examining room.

After a complete exam, the doctor brings the old woman into his office to ask her a few questions. “How are you sleeping?” he asks.

“I get eight hours of sleep,” says the woman, “and sometimes I wake up to go the bathroom, but I have no problem falling back to sleep. Occasionally I take a 30 minutes nap in the afternoon, but all in all, I sleep just fine.”

“How is your diet?” asks the doctor.

“I have three well-balanced meals a day,” says the woman. “Sometimes I have a light snack between lunch and dinner, but I eat very well.”

“Do you still have intercourse?” asks the doctor.

“What?” replies the old lady.

“Intercourse,” says the doctor. “Do you still have intercourse?”

The old woman get up out of her chair and opens the door to the waiting room and asks her husband, “Honey, do we have intercourse?”

 

The old man looks at her and says, “I have told you a thousand times, it’s Blue Cross Blue Shield!”

Edited November 12, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Do you smoke?

 

A prostitute says to a man; “Do you smoke after sex?”

The man thinks for a moment, and then he says, “I don’t know. I’ve never looked.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The perfect mate

 

Stacy is sitting at the bar, talking with her girlfriends about what makes the perfect mate. “The man I marry,” she says, “must be a shining light. He must be musical, tell jokes, sing, and stay home at night!”

Lisa, the elderly barmaid, overhears this and says, “Honey, it sounds like you don’t need a man. You need a TV!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Pricey

 

One day a cannibal visited the neighbouring island of cannibals. There, people cost $2 but politicians cost $25.

The visiting cannibal asked, "How come politicians cost so much?"

The chief answered, "Do you know how hard it is to clean one of those?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Self Confidence

 

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.

I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight is darn near perfect.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Suppress the evidence

 

After his motion to suppress evidence was denied by the court the angered attorney spoke up, “Your Honour,” he said, “What would you do if I called you stupid, degenerate, old fool.”

The Judge, now also angered, answered, I would hold you in contempt of court and seek to have you suspended from practising before this court again!”

“What if I only though it?” asked the attorney.

“In that case, there is nothing I could do; you have the right to think whatever you want.”

“Oh, I see. If it pleases the court, let the record reflect, that I ‘think’ you’re a stupid, degenerate, old fool.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A genuine problem 

 

A guy visits his doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

“Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. Well, American beer,” he replies quite baffled. “Aaaahhh. There’s your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers… you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow.”

A couple of months later the man returns to see the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him. “I take it you now drink Guinness?” asked the physician. “Oh no, Doc,” “but I have the wife drinking American beer!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Divorce

 

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first.

 

She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me."

 

The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question. The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Crime of thought

 

Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): "May I address the court?"
Judge: "Of course."

 

Defendant: "If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?"
Judge: "I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail."

 

Defendant: "What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?"
Judge: "I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking."

 

Defendant: "In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch."

Edited November 13, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Top hospital

 

The queen is visiting one of top hospitals and during the tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. 'Oh my goodness,' said the queen. ‘That’s disgraceful' what is the meaning of this???

The doctor leading the tour explains ‘I am sorry, your Royal Highness, but this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn’t do that five times a day they'll explode and he’ll die instantly. ‘Oh I’m so sorry' said the queen.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blowjob 'Oh my goodness ' said the queen, 'what’s happening there??

The doctor replied, “Same problem, Better health cover”

[worldangel]

Joke: At pet shop

 

At pet shop and starts to move around the cages to scout the pets.

 

He sees a monkey with a price of 5,000$ and goes to the merchant to ask for details. Hey mister, the monkey…what does it know to worth that much money? Well, it knows Windows 95, 98, 2000, and also knows Word, C++, Visual Basic and last but not least, it knows how to play computer games. - Good monkey, it’s worth the money.

 

He goes and finds another monkey with a price of 10,000$ and again he will ask the merchant. What does this monkey know? It knows Linux, Unix, Corel and Autocad. Nice, even I don’t know those things.

 

On a last scout run he finds another monkey just sitting there with a price 20,000$. The story repeats, and he goes with a lack of confidence to ask the merchant for details. And what does this monkey do for that ridiculous amount of money? I never saw her doing anything, but the other two call her Project Manager!

Edited November 13, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The vet

 

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week! 

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her. 

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated. 

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church." 

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?" 

The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week." 

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?" 

"He is a veterinarian," she answered. 

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said. "Where does he practice?" 

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada .. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno" 

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: On his deathbed

 

An old man was on his deathbed.

He wanted badly to take all his money with him.

He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside.

"Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me."

At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.

Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.

"Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."

The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed.

"I want it known that when I put my envelope in that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Will, Hi Cowboy! 

 

A lawyer was reading out the will of a rich man to the people mentioned in the will: "To you, my loving wife Rose, who stood by me in rough times, as well as good, I leave her the house and $2 million."

 

The lawyer continued, "To my daughter Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave her the yacht, the business and $1 million."

 

The lawyer concluded, "And, to my cousin Cowboy, who hated me, argued with me, and thought that I would never mention him in my will. Well you are wrong. Hi, Cowboy!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Teenage daughter & Telephones

 

The father of a teenage daughter was concerned with the amount of time she spent on the telephone; not so much for the time she wasted (he had given up on that long ago), but because nobody else could use the phone. 

So, as a happy solution, he had a telephone installed for her with her own private number and directory listing. 

Two or three days after her telephone had been installed, he came home to find her stretched out on the floor with her feet on the living room couch and chatting away on the family telephone. Her own telephone was resting silently on her dresser. "Why are you using our telephone," he yelled. "Why aren't you talking on your own telephone?" 

"I can't," she said, "I'm expecting an important call on my phone."

[worldangel]

Joke: The new Walmart greeter

 

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Walmart, just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, even 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp-mind, a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policy.

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk.

"Charlie, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but you’re being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That’s what I like to hear. It’s odd though, you’re coming in late. I know you’re retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?"

"They said, "Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Good morning Sir!

 

Charley, a new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart, just could not seem to get to work on time. Every day he was five, 10, sometimes 15 minutes late. Nevertheless, he was a good worker, really tidy, clean-shaven, sharp minded and a real credit to the company and obviously demonstrating their "Older Person Friendly" policies. 

One day the boss was in a real quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang on job, but you are being late so often is quite bothersome." 

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it." 

"Well good, you are a team player. That is what I like to hear. It is odd though, you are coming in late. I know you are retired from the Armed Forces. What did they say if you came in late there?" 

"They said, 'Good morning, General. Tea or coffee this morning, sir?'" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Some rules cannot be followed

 

A lady manager of a big reputed office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into her office.

" What is your name?" was the first thing she asked the new guy.

"John ," the new guy replied.

She scowled, "Look... I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. 

I refer to my employees by their last name only ... Smith, Jones, Baker ...that's all.

I am to be referred to only as Mrs. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed, "Darling..... ....... My name is John Darling."

" Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . . "

[worldangel]

Joke: I had a dream

 

I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach.

Suddenly, a man riding a horse pulls up to the left side of the stagecoach, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.

The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.

Just before he rode off, I yelled out,

"What was all that about?"

He replied, "Nothing. It's just a stage I'm going through."

[worldangel]

Joke: The parking officer

 

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. 

Well, for example, the other day, Bev my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. 

When we came out, there was a Parking Officer writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break......?' 

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an “Arse Hole” 
. 
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tyres.

So Bev called him a “Schitt Head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. 

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. 

We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired.

It's important at our age.

[worldangel]

Joke: Get it right dad

 

A father was very anxious to marry off his daughter, so he tried to impress her first date. "Do you like to screw?" he asks.

"Huh?!" replied the surprised young man. 

"My daughter, she loves to screw and she's very good at it. You and she should go screw." carefully explained the father. 

Now very interested, the boy replied, "Yes, sir!" Minutes later the girl came down the stairs, kissed her father goodbye and the couple left. 

After only a few minutes she reappeared, furious, dress torn, hair a mess and screamed, "Dammit, Daddy, get it right, it's the TWIST!"

[worldangel]

Gay Joke: Name you penis

 

This guy walks into a bar and takes two steps in; he realizes it's a gay bar. 

"But what the heck", he says, "I really want a drink." 

When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the customer, "What's the name of your penis?" 

The customer says, "Look, I'm not into any of that. All I want is a drink". 

The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It.' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his Snickers, because 'It really satisfies.'" 

The customer looks dumb founded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. 

So the customer asks the man sitting to his left, who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of your penis?" 

The man looks back and says with a smile, "TIMEX." 

The thirsty customer asks, "Why Timex?" 

The fellow proudly replies, "Cause it takes a licking' and keeps on ticking!" 

A little shaken, the customer turns to the fellow on his right, who is sipping a fruity margarita and says, "So, what do you call your penis?" 

The man turns to him and proudly exclaims, "FORD, because Quality is Job 1." Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford, lately?" 

Even more shaken, the customer has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his penis. 

Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is Secret. Now give me my beer." 

The bartender begins to pour the customer a beer, but with a puzzled look asks, "Why Secret?" 

The customer says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN, BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN." 

[worldangel]

Gay Joke: Escapes from prison

 

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

 

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the girl to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

 

While he’s in there, the husband whispers to his wife, “Listen this guy’s an escaped convict – look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

 

To which the wife responds, “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you, too.”

Edited November 14, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Engine failure

 

Two blondes were riding in a twin engine plane when the pilot announces that one of the engines had failed but not to worry, the remaining engine would suffice to get them to their destination.

Moments later the pilot announced with regret that the second engine had now failed. The one blonde says to the other blonde.......Oh brother, don't tell me we're going to be stuck up here all night!

[worldangel]

Joke: Extreme sexual exhaustion?

 

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student’s immediate family.

A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says: "Not an excuse. You can use your other hand to write with."

[worldangel]

Joke: At the supermarket

 

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. 

Finally he went to the check-out line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who I haven't seen in a long time."

"That's a shame," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"

"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother!'? It would make me feel so much better."

"Sure," answered the young man. So, when the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" 

As he stepped up to the check-out counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"

The clerk replied, "Your mother said that you would pay for her."

[worldangel]

Joke: I want to be irresistible

 

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle. He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie. The genie says "Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes." 

The man says "Great. I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want. First, I want 1 Billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." 

Phoof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand. He continues, "Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here." 

Phoof! There is a flash of light and abright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him. He continues, "Finally, I want to be irresistible to women." 

Phoof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

[worldangel]

Joke: Flawless husband wanted

 

Anita was in her late thirties and still not married. She just had a hard time meeting men. And the men she did meet all ended up being jerks.

Finally, she decided to place an ad in the personals in the newspaper.
Anita wrote: "Looking for a man who won't beat me, won't leave me, and is excellent in bed."

Several days went by and she hadn't gotten a single call. Then, one day she was doing her laundry when she heard a knock on the door. She walked upstairs to answer it. She opened the door and saw a man in a wheelchair with no arms and no legs.

"Can I help you?" Anita asked.

He said, "I am the man of your dreams!"

Anita was baffled. She said, "Excuse me."

"I read your personal ad in the paper and I am the perfect man for you. I have no arms, so I can't beat you. I have no legs, so I can never leave you."

"But are you good in bed?" Anita asked.

He replied, "How do you think I knocked on the door?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Making a fortune

 

A youngster asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing that apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them for 20 cents. I continued this system of polishing and selling, each time re- investing my profits into buying more apples."

"Wow!" said the young man, "and that's how you accumulated your fortune?"

"Nah", said the old man, then the fortunate thing happened 
*
*
*
*
*
*
"my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bank robbery case

 

After a laborious two-week criminal trial in a very high profile bank robbery case, the jury finally ended its 14 hours of deliberations and entered the courtroom to deliver its verdict to the judge. The judge turns to the jury foreman and asks, "Has the jury reached a verdict in this case?" "Yes we have, your honor," the foreman responded.

"Would you please pass it to me, "The judge declared, as he motioned for the bailiff to retrieve the verdict slip from the foreman and deliver it to him.

After the judge reads the verdict himself, he delivers the verdict slip back to his bailiff to be returned to the foreman and instructs the foreman, "Please read your verdict to the court.

""We find the defendant NOT GUILTY of all four counts of bank robbery," stated the foreman. The family and friends of the defendant jump for joy at the sound of the "not guilty" verdict and hug each other as they shout expressions of divine gratitude.

The defendant`s attorney turns to his client and asks, "So, what do you think about that? "The defendant looks around the courtroom slowly with a bewildered look on his face and then turns to his defense attorney and says, "I'm real confused here. Does this mean that I have to give all the money back?

[worldangel]

Joke: Don’t underestimate old man

 

John saw his old friend Tom, a seventy five-year-old planter, in town.

Tom had lost his wife some years before and rumor had it that he was marrying his young maid. 

Being a good friend, John asked Tom if the rumor was true. 

Tom assured him that it was. John then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.' 

Now John, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by a seventy five-year-old man. 

Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy John tactfully suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the plantation, knowing that the nature would take its own course. 

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon. 

About five months later, John ran into Tom in town again. 
'How's the new wife?' asked John. 

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.' 

John, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?' 
Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.' 

Don't ever underestimate old guys.

[worldangel]

Joke: Congrats!

 

When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach ad say "Congrats!. But none of them come and touch the man's Penis and say "Well done!".

 

Moral of the story: Hard work is never appreciated, only result matters...

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Change course

 

Through the pitch-black night, the captain sees a light dead ahead on a collision course with his ship.

 

He sends a signal: "Change your course ten degrees east." The light signals back: "Change yours, ten degrees west."

 

Angry, the captain sends: "I'm a Navy captain! Change your course, sir!" "I'm a seaman, second class," comes the reply. "Change your course, sir." Now the captain is furious. "I'm a battleship! I'm not changing course!"

 

There's one last reply. "I'm a lighthouse. Your call."

[worldangel]

Joke: I’m your son’s teacher

 

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

 

She says hello. He’s rather taken aback because he can’t place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"

 

To which she replies, "I think you’re the father of one of my kids." Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"

 

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I’m your son’s teacher."

[worldangel]

Joke: The bank robber

 

A bank robber wanted to keep his identity secret, but didn't wear a balaclava.

 

He told all in the bank not to look at him or he would shoot them.

 

One foolhardy customer sneaked a look, and the robber promtply shot him.

 

The robber asked if anyone else had seen his face. One customer, gazing intently at the ground, said "I think my wife got a glimpse"

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny

 

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighbourhood boys for being stupid.

 

Their favourite joke is to offer Johnny his choice between a nickel and a dime Little Johnny always takes the nickel.

 

One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbour takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel's bigger?"

 

Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The two bums

 

Two bums are sitting talking.

 

The first one starts bragging, "Today was the best day ever! This morning I found a brand new pack of smokes just sitting on the ground. So you know what I did? I sat and smoked every fucking one of them... had the best day ever."

 

The second bum just laughs, "That's nothing, today I was walking along the rail road tracks and I found this girl laying on the tracks. You know what I did? I fucked her all day long."

 

The other bum interrupts, "Bull! You didn't do it all day long did you?", the other continues, "Well, no but it was for at least a few good hours, best day of my life."

 

The first bums asks, "So did she give you a good blowjob?"

 

The other replies no. "How could you possibly be getting busy with this girl for hours, and she doesn't even give you a blow job?"

 

To which the other replies, "How could she? She didn't have a head!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Talent agency

 

A family walks into a talent agency.

 

It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog.

 

The father says to the talent agent, "We have a really amazing act. You should represent us."

 

The agent says, "Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're a little too cute."

 

The mother says, "Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us."

 

The agent says, "OK. OK. I'll take a look."

[worldangel]

Joke: The drunken driver

 

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving all over the road.

 

Eventually a cop pulls him over. "Did you know," says the cop, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?"

 

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk.

 

"For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

[worldangel]

Joke: At the bar

 

A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.

 

The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?" The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."

 

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the bartender asks why he's doing all this drinking.

 

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

 

The bartender hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

 

The man quickly replies, "I have a dollar."

[worldangel]

Joke: Elderly couple

 

An elderly couple was just settled down for bed when the old man realized he left the lights on in the greenhouse in the back yard.

 

Then they heard voices. Three men had broken into the greenhouse. Scared, they called the police. The dispatcher replied, he would send an officer as soon as one became available as they were all out on calls.

 

The old man waited for a few minutes and called Dispatch again.

 

He told Dispatch, "Don't worry about sending an officer, I shot the robbers and now the dogs are eating their bodies!" In no time at all, police were all over the place and captured the robbers red-handed!

 

One of the cops asked the old man, "I thought you said you shot the robber and your dogs were eating them.

 

" The old man replied, "I thought you said, there weren't any officers available."

[worldangel]

Joke: The boxer

 

The boxer fells down in the fourth round.

 

The referee starts counting. Billy’s grandmother gets up on her legs from the first row and screams: Stop counting for nothing, he won’t get up! I know him from the buss...

[worldangel]

Joke: The young man

 

A young man was walking into town one day when a wood hauler gave him a ride.

 

After traveling about a mile or two, the truck was stopped by the highway patrol for a weight check and inspection.

 

The truck inspection revealed the truck had slick tires; no horn; no head, tail or signal lights; no windshield wipers.

 

Also, it was overloaded and had bad brakes.

 

“Mister,” the patrolman said to the driver, “I think the best way to charge you is ‘hauling wood without a truck.’”

[worldangel]

Joke: Flip it over

 

A man had an idea that could make him rich.

 

After it was perfected he brought it to an inventors' help group. When asked what his great invention was, he pulled out an apple. The group looked at it and started laughing.

 

The inventor said, "You don't understand! Taste it." A volunteer tried it and said, "Mmmmmmm, tastes like peaches." The inventor said, "Flip it over."

 

He flipped it over and took another chunk of the apple. "Mmmmmmmm, tastes like grapes." The inventor offered a new apple and the volunteer said, "What does it taste like?" "Pussy," said the inventor.

 

The guy bit into it, and spit it out with an awful look on his face and shouted, "That tasted like ass!" The inventor winked and said, "Flip it over."

[worldangel]

Joke: So did I

 

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.

 

After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Superman

 

There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building.

 

The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!"

 

The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again."

 

So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in."

 

The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman."

[worldangel]

Joke: Final examination

 

A blonde walked into her final exam very nervous.

 

But when she received the test, she was relieved to find out that it was a True or False exam.

 

Immediately, she reached into her purse and pulled out a coin. Each time she flipped the coin she would write down an answer. "What are you doing?" the professor asked her.

 

"I'm figuring out the answers," the blonde replied.

 

To this, the professor just rolled his eyes and looked away. When she was done, the professor announced that there were five minutes left to go.

 

"Oh my god!" she said in an excited voice, and started to flip the coin as fast as possible.

[worldangel]

Joke: Complimentary nuts

 

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink and some peanuts.

 

While drinking, he hears funny voices, but thinks nothing of it.

 

Again, he hears the funny voices and asks the barman what they are.

 

The barman points to the peanuts and says, ‘Don’t worry about them. They are complimentary nuts.’