Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: I'm taking him to the circus

 

A farmer and his pig were driving down the road when a cop pulled him over.

 

The cop asked the farmer, "Didn't you know it is against the law to ride with a pig in the front of you truck?" The farmer replied, "No, I didn't knowed that."

 

The cop ask the farmer where he was going and he said, "To Memphis". The cop said, "I will let you off the hook this time if you promise to take the pig to the zoo when you get to Memphis."

 

So the farmer promised he would. Several days later the cop spotted the farmer with the pig driving down the road and he pulled him over again.

 

The cop said "I thought I told you to take this pig to the zoo when you got to Memphis" and to this the farmer replied "I did and we had so much fun, I'm taking him to the circus."

[worldangel]

Joke: Misbehaving

 

Little Johnny had just returned from his summer break and gone back to school.

 

Three days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.

 

"Hold on," she said. "I had Johnny with me for the entire summer and I never called you once when he misbehaved."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two guys meet

 

Two guys meet: "Where were you lost my friend? says one of them."

 

"Well, I took my kids to the zoo..." "And what kind of animals did you see there?"

 

"The tiger... Huge and Scary! Full of stripes... Slowly walking inside the cage. She was “ahgrrr...”

 

"Are you kidding me men? The tiger doesn’t go “ahgrrr..” … She “grrrrsss..”!

 

"Right, ok.. But when you get too close to her face... !"

[worldangel]

Joke: 75 Cents

 

This guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 10 glasses and start filling them up with beer.

 

So the bartender starts filling the glasses up with beer, and the man is right behind him drinking them straight down.

 

The bartender says, "hay buddy what's your hurry?"

 

The man replies, "if you had what I have you would do the same thing."

 

The bartender backs up and says, "What do you have?"

 

The man answers, "about 75 cents!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The rats

 

The proprietor of the general store at the cross-roads had his place overrun by rats, and the damage was such that he offered a hundred dollars reward to anyone who would rid him of the pests.

 

A disreputable-appearing person turned up one morning, and announced that he was a professional rat-killer. "Get to work," the store-keeper urged.

 

"I must have a pound of cheese," the killer declared. When this had been provided: "Now give me a quart of whiskey."

 

Equipped with the whiskey, the professional spoke briskly: "Now show me the cellar." An hour elapsed, and then the rat-catcher galloped up the cellar stairs and leaped into the store.

 

His face was red, the eyes glaring, and he shook his fists in defiance of the world at large, as he jumped high in air and shouted: "Whoopee! I'm ready! bring on your rats!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Job application

 

Harry applies for a job at a finance company, the manager tells him the job is his if he can crack their toughest account.

 

Harry goes off and comes back two hours later having recovered the entire amount. ‘Amazing!’ says the manager. ‘How did you do it?’ ‘Easy,’ replies Harry.

 

‘I said that if he didn’t pay us, I’d tell all his other creditors he had.’

[worldangel]

Joke: The drunken guy

 

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and hugged her.

 

She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife.

 

You look exactly like her." "You worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

 

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three retirees

 

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were having a conversation one fine Sunday evening.

 

One remarked to the other, ‘I got a new hearing device and it works fine?'

 

The second said, ‘oh yes, my grandchildren just love the gifts of my choice.'

 

The third one who noticed the hearing device in the ear of the first one asked, what kind is it?'

 

The one with the brand new hearing device answered ‘about 6 O'clock'.

 

All three of them looked up in the birds in the sky and said, "Birds of the same feather ‘flock' together."

[worldangel]

Joke: The lawyer opened the door …..

 

A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW. 

 

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined. 

 

"You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!" retorted the officer, "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!" 

 

"Oh my god", replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex!"

 

Edited November 18, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Lunatics

 

Three lunatics approach their Asylum doctor with a request for a weekend pass to the local city.

 

"That's impossible says the doctor. You're all nuts. You'll get lost and never come back." But, the lunatics wouldn't relent until finally, exasperated, the doctor says "OK! If you can answer a simple question I'll sign the pass." He turns to the first lunatic and says "What's three times three?"

 

The lunatic starts counting on his fingers "3, 7, 19, 38?. Is it 128?" The doctor shakes his head and turns to the next lunatic: "What's three times three?" The lunatic immediately shouts "WEDNESDAY!"

 

The doctor, beginning to get disgusted turns to the last lunatic: What's three times three?" The lunatic thinks for a moment and then asks for a pencil and a piece of paper. That provided, she writes for some time furiously, and finally looks up and says "Nine."

 

The doctor is amazed, but true to his word he begins filling out the pass. As he's writing he says "This is incredible, you've always been thoroughly insane. How'd you do it?" The lunatic responds, "Oh, it was easy I divided 128 by Wednesday!"

 

Edited November 18, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Baseball bat

 

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection - a baseball bat to the cash register.

"Cash or charge," the clerk asked.

"Cash," she snapped. Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am not too sane right now!!"

"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or or you going back?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy goes to supermarket

 

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.

 

She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her. So he says, "Do you know me?"

 

To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

 

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says, "Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?"

 

The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."

 

 

Edited November 18, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Back a few years ago …

 

Back a few years ago, I went over to my neighbors house.(She was a blonde), and for some reason she was mad at the world. She had locked herself in the bathroom and was threatening suicide.I said, "Come on, you know you don't want to do this!"

 

She said, "I damn well do wanna do this, nobody wants me alive anyways."

 

For some reason I actually believed her and pushed through the door, and saw she had a rope tied to around her ankles.I asked "Are you really trying to hang yourself?"

 

"Yeah, so what?"

"Well, usually when people hang themselves they tie the rope around their necks"

 

"Yeah, well, I tried that, but then I couldn't breathe."

 

Edited November 18, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Smart kid

 

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and tell him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out. "Matt's riding a new bike, and the Coopers are having sex."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Harmonica

 

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got."

"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"

"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mother-in-law

 

Cannibal #1: "I hate my mother-in-law."

Cannibal #2: "Well, then just eat the noodles."

[worldangel]

Joke: The milkman

 

A man was in a bar and overheard the milkman boasting that he had made love to all the women in his street apart from one.

When he arrived home he related what he had heard to his wife.

She said "I bet it's that stuck up bitch at No. 23.

[worldangel]

Joke: Last day

 

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly.

 

“Is everything okay, pal?”, the bartender asks.

 

“My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn’t talking to me for a month!”.

 

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?”

 

“Yeah. But today is the last day”.

[worldangel]

Joke: Pregnancy

 

When a woman found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news. One day later that week, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping.

 

A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby. "Yes", he said. "I know what we're going to name it. If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it quits.

[worldangel]

Joke: In a coma

 

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

 

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?”

 

“What dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

 

”I think you’re bad luck.”

[worldangel]

Joke: At clinic

 

A woman went to doctor’s clinic.

 

She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.

 

An older doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained.

 

He had her sit down and relax in another room.

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy & the turtle

 

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

 

The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

 

The bartender looks at the guy and asks: "What's wrong with your turtle?" "Not a thing," the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!" "Not a chance!", replies the barkeep.

 

"Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there."

 

So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.

 

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says - "I WIN... Told you it'll be there before your dog!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The mailman

 

A mailman meets a boy and a huge dog.

 

‘Does your dog bite?’ asks the mailman.

 

‘No,’ replies the boy. And the dog bites the mailman’s leg.

 

‘You said he doesn’t bite!’ yells the mailman.

 

‘That’s not my dog,’ replies the boy.

[worldangel]

Joke: The string

 

A string walks into a bar with a few friends and orders a beer.

 

The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve strings here."

 

The string goes back to his table. He ties himself in a loop and messes up the top of his hair. He walks back up to the bar and orders a beer.

 

The bartender squints at him and says, "Hey, aren't you a string?" The string says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

[worldangel]

Joke: Gorgeous woman

 

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar.

 

They talk, they connect, and they end up leaving together. They get back to her place, and as she shows him around, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

 

Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher, and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall.

 

The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. She turns to him…they kiss…then they rip each other’s clothes off and romp around the room all night.

 

After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how’d I do?”

 

The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The marital stress

 

An elderly couple was sitting on there rocking chairs rocking back and forth.

When the woman whacked her husband as hard as she could right off his chair.

Surprised and disorientated he said: "now why did you do that?" and she replied: "That is for 50 years of horrible sex".

So he sits back down and thinks about it for a while, and pretty soon you hear another whack, this time the wife falls off the chair and soon, gets back up and says "what was that for?”

He replied, "that is for knowing the difference."

[worldangel]

Joke: The scientist & philosopher

 

A scientist and a philosopher are being chased by a hungry lion.

 

The scientist makes some quick calculations and says, “It's no good trying to outrun it. It's catching up!”

 

The philosopher keeps a little ahead and replies, “I'm not trying to outrun the lion, I'm trying to outrun you!”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old lady & the contractor

 

An old lady rushed into the police department and claimed she was raped.

 

When asked what the guy looked like, she said she didn't know, only that he was a contractor.

 

When asked how she knew that, she yelled, "All he could say was, 'I'm coming! I'm coming!' and he never finished the job."

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex poem competition

 

A guy and girl had sex poem competition.

 

Guy: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I can put mine in yours, but you can't put yours in mine." 

 

Girl: "Two times two is four, four plus five is nine. I know the length of yours, but you won't know the depth of mine."

Edited November 19, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Too expensive

 

A man saw a lady with big breasts.

 

He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?" She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner.

 

She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes."

 

Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"

 

He replies, "No, it's too expensive."

[worldangel]

Joke: How were people born?

 

A child asked his father, "How were people born?"

 

So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

 

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

 

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!"

 

His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Edited November 19, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: PHD

 

Two old friends crossed paths after not seeing one another for almost a decade. 

 

Utkarsh: "What are you doing these days?" 

 

Sparsh: "PHD." 

 

Utkarsh: "Wow! You're a doctor!" 

 

Sparsh: "No, Pizza Home Delivery."

Edited November 19, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Teacher & Johnny

 

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."

Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."

Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"

Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"

Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Why did I get divorced?

 

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday.

 

My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.

 

As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She asked me out for lunch. After lunch, she invited me to her apartment.

 

We went there and she said, "Do you mind if I go into the bedroom for a minute?" "Okay," I said.

 

She came out 5 minutes later with a birthday cake, my wife, my parents, my kids, my friends, & my colleagues all yelling, "SURPRISE!!!" while I was waiting on the sofa... naked.

[worldangel]

Joke: A lie detector robot

 

A man buys a lie detector robot that slaps people who lie.

 

He decides to test it at dinner. He asks his son, "Son, where were you today during school hours?"

 

"At school." The robot slaps the son. "Okay, I went to the movies!"

 

The father asks, "Which one?" "Harry Potter." The robot slaps the son again. "Okay, I was watching porn!"

 

The father replies, "What? When I was your age I didn't even know what porn was!"

 

The robot slaps the father. The mom chimes in, "Haha! After all, he is your son!" The robot slaps the mother.

[worldangel]

Joke: A cap over his crotch

 

A man is lying on the beach, wearing nothing but a cap over his crotch.

 

A woman passing by remarks, "If you were any sort of a gentleman, you would lift your hat to a lady."

 

He replies, "If you were any sort of a sexy lady, the hat would lift by itself."

[worldangel]

Joke: Timbuktu

 

At last, the long-awaited finale of the televised poem competition had arrived. 

The religious man, who was a keen lyricist and writer of poems, had to everyone’s surprise entered the competition. He immediately announced that he would only be reciting poems about personal spiritual experiences. Despite this limitation, it turned out he was gifted with words and he had made it all the way to the final. His opponent was the favourite to win: a Harvard linguistics professor on the top of his career and with a mind as sharp as a knife’s edge. 

 

The Harvard professor was up first. He was informed of the rules: "Two minutes to come up with a poem, and it must involve Timbuktu." The clock started, and when the time was up the Harvard professor approached the microphone: 

"On my way through desert sand 
Met a lonely caravan 
Men on camels, two by two 
Destination: Timbuktu." 

 

The crowd went wild. Commentators were lyrical. This was without a doubt the best poem of the competition. The Harvard professor had done it again! But as the crowd settled down their spirits sank. As far as anyone knew, the religious man had never been to Timbuktu, which was soon confirmed by the TV commentator. How could the pope have a personal spiritual experience with such a word?! 

 

The elderly religious man was walked to the stage and informed of the same rules: "Two minutes to come up with a poem, and it must involve Timbuktu." The clock was started, but after only a short thought the religious man stopped it. Everybody in the competition had used all the provided time, and as the religious man approached the microphone a sigh went through the audience. 

 

Was he withdrawing from the competition? Would it all end in anti-climax? 

No, to everybody’s surprise the religious man started to recite his poem based on personal spiritual experience: 

"Me and Tim to Brisbane went 
Met some ladies, cheap to rent. 
They were three and we were two, 
So I bucked one, and 'Tim-bucked-two.'"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The taxi driver

 

A taxi passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

 

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, goes up on the footpath, and stops centimeters from a shop window.

 

For a second, everything goes quiet in the cab, then the driver says, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

 

The passenger apologizes and says, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much.” The driver replies, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

[worldangel]

Joke: "Happy Birthday!"

 

During lunch at work, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."

 

He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.

 

The beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a garbage dump! I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.

 

Then, shifting to the other leg, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on releasing atomic bombs like this for another few minutes.

 

The pleasure was indescribable! Eventually the telephone farewells signaled the end of my freedom, so I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long.

 

He asked me if I had peaked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table, with their hands to their noses, chorused, "Happy Birthday!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Truck driver

 

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, & just drinks it all down.

 

The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry." "No, it's not that," the man replies, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I oversleep & I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me. When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen.

 

The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, & when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, & just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up & drink my poison."

[worldangel]

Joke: Elderly couple

 

There was an elderly couple who in their old age noticed that they were getting a lot more forgetful, so they decided to go to the doctor. The doctor told them that they should start writing things down so they don't forget.

 

They went home and the old lady told her husband to get her a bowl of ice cream. "You might want to write it down," she said. The husband said, "No, I can remember that you want a bowl of ice cream."

 

She then told her husband she wanted a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream. "Write it down," she told him, and again he said, "No, no, I can remember: you want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream."

 

Then the old lady said she wants a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top. "Write it down," she told her husband and again he said, "No, I got it. You want a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and a cherry on top."

 

So he goes to get the ice cream and spends an unusually long time in the kitchen, over 30 minutes. He comes out to his wife and hands her a plate of eggs and bacon.

 

The old wife stares at the plate for a moment, then looks at her husband and asks, "Where's the toast?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The IRS Agent

 

An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task.

 

The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye.

 

Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees.

 

The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning.

 

"Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Political decision

 

A good political decision is just like a miniskirt.

 

Short enough to sustain the interest & long enough to cover the subject.

[worldangel]

Joke: What can I get you?

 

After noticing a beautiful young redhead sitting alone at the bar, a young stud confidently strolls over to her side and says, “What can I get you, gorgeous?”

The woman blushes and replies, “if you’re sure you don’t mind, I’ll have a large stiff one, please.” “Would that be before or after I get the drinks?”

[worldangel]

Joke: What should I do?

 

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbour owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?"

 

"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.

 

"Nope," replied the man. "OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer.

 

"But it's only $500," replied the man. "Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Prohibited

 

Officer: "Madam, swimming is prohibited in this lake." 

Lady: "Why didn't you tell me when I was removing my clothes?" 

Officer: "Well, that's not prohibited."

[worldangel]

Joke: Where is the wheelchair?

 

A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes.

 

He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

 

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man.

 

He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

 

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Elmore

 

Elmore walked into his favourite truck stop cafe and said to the owner, "Hey, Roy, you wanna take a chance on a raffle?" "Whada ya win?" "A million dollars!" said the redneck.

 

"You get a dollar a year for a million years." "How much are they each?" "Ten cents. Two for a quarter. Or three for half a dollar!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The respectable spinster

 

"But my elderly aunt was considered a highly respectable spinster!" the society matron protested.

 

"Can't you find some way to cover up the shocking fact that she died in bed while being simultaneously serviced by two paid studs???"

 

"You just leave it to me, Mrs. Van Horn," soothed the police officer.

 

"I'll just put it in my report that she died at the stroke of two."

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde joke

 

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"

 

The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde.

 

The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde.

 

The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

 

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."