Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: I wanted to know his reaction?

 

Not too long ago, there was a woman who wanted to know how her husband would react if she left without telling him where she had gone. 

 

She decided to write him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. After writing the letter, she put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home. 

 

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so.

 

He grabbed his phone and dialed a number.  His wife listened from under the bed as he started chatting to someone.  "Hey babe, I'm just changing clothes then will join you," he said. "As for the other fool, it finally dawned on her that I was fooling around on her and left. I was really wrong to have married her; I wish you and me had met earlier. See you soon, honey!" 

 

Then he hung up and walked out of the room. In tears and very upset, she climbed out from under the bed and stumbled over to read what her unfaithful husband had written on the end of her letter. 

 

Through teary eyes, she read: "I could see your feet you idiot, I am going out to buy bread."

[worldangel]

Joke: Great news for you

 

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

 

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes. He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage of the 90's

 

Jill and John got married. John thought this would be a "marriage of the 90's" -- equal roles for equal partners.

 

So, the first morning back from their honeymoon, he brought Jill breakfast in bed.

 

Jill wasn't impressed with his culinary skills, however.

 

She looked disdainfully at the tray, and snorted, "Poached? I wanted scrambled!"

 

Undaunted, the next morning, John brought his true love a scrambled egg.

 

Jill wasn't having any of it.

 

"Do you think I don't like variety? I wanted poached this morning!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Stanley Cup

 

It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at centre ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

 

He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbour. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man.

 

"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbour says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."

 

"Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

 

The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Engine trouble

 

An airliner is having engine trouble.

 

The pilot instructs the cabin crew to prepare for an emergency landing.

 

A few minutes later the pilot asks the flight attendants if everyone is buckled in and ready.

 

‘All set back here, Captain,’ comes the reply. ‘Except one lawyer. He’s still going around passing out business cards.’

[worldangel]

Joke: On honeymoon

 

A newlywed couple goes on their honeymoon.

 

Two days into the weeklong trip, the wife goes to the front desk and demands a car to take her to the airport.

 

A few hours later, the husband strolls past the front desk.

 

The manager asks why his wife has left the island.

 

"Were you not having a good time?"

 

The man replies, "Well, I've been having the best time of my life, but it's been with the maid."

[worldangel]

Joke: At dentist’s clinic

 

A man and his wife enter a dentist's office.

 

The wife says "I need a tooth pulled. No gas or Novocain -- I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."

 

"You're a brave woman," says the dentist.

 

"Now, show me which tooth it is."

 

The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

[worldangel]

Joke: Cowboy

 

A cowboy rides his horse up to a saloon.

 

All the patrons gawked as the cowboy kissed his horse on the butt before coming in and asking for a drink.

 

 

The bartender serves him and asks, "Mind if I ask why'd ya kiss your horse on the butt?"

 

The cowboy says, "It's 'cause I got chapped lips."

 

 

The bartender asks, "Does manure help them heal?"

 

Cowboy replies, "No, but it keeps me from licking them."

[worldangel]

Joke: Last day

 

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink rapidly.

 

“Is everything okay, pal?”, the bartender asks.

 

“My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn’t talking to me for a month!”.

 

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, “Well, maybe that’s kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?”

 

“Yeah. But today is the last day”.

[worldangel]

Joke: At pharmacy

 

He went to the pharmacy and bought a bottle of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant.

 

Upon returning home, his wife said "I've been thinking, there's no reason we can't go for a month."

 

Mr. Johnson went back to the pharmacy and asked for 12 bottles of seasick pills and a tube of lubricant.

 

When he returned his wife said, "Since the children are on their own, what's stopping us from cruising the world?" He went back and bought 200 bottles of seasick pills and more tubes of lubricant.

 

The pharmacist finally had to ask: "You know, Mr. Johnson, I don't mean to pry, but if it makes you that sick, why the hell do you do it?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Play bridge

 

While giving a physical, a doctor notices that his patient’s shins are covered in dark, savage bruises.

 

‘Tell me,’ says the doctor. ‘Do you play hockey or soccer?’

 

‘No,’ said the man. ‘But my wife and I play bridge.’

[worldangel]

Joke: Pregnancy

 

When a woman found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news.

 

One day later that week, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping.

 

A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby. "Yes", he said. "I know what we're going to name it. If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it quits.

[worldangel]

Joke: A local policeman

 

A local policeman had just finished his shift one cold November evening and was at home with his wife.

"You just won't believe what happened this evening, in all my years on the force I've never seen anything like it."

 

"Oh yes dear, what happened?" "I came across two guys down by the canal, one of them was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks."

 

"Drinking battery acid and eating fireworks!! What did you do with them?"

 

"Oh that was easy, I charged one and let the other off."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three old friends

 

Three old friends got together and were discussing what movie they had watched when they conceived their children.

 

One lady says she had just watched a movie called The Search for One-eye Jimmy and nine months later she gave birth to her baby.

 

Another lady says, "Oh, I saw the movie Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and then nine months later I had septuplets."

 

The last lady gasps and exclaims, "Oh no, I just watched 101 Dalmations!"

[worldangel]

Joke: In the courtroom

 

The following is a courtroom exchange between a defense attorney and a farmer with a bodily injury claim. It came from a Houston, Texas insurance agent.

Attorney: "At the scene of the accident, did you tell the constable you had never felt better in your life?"

Farmer: "That's right."

Attorney: "Well, then, how is it that you are now claiming you were seriously injured when my client's auto hit your wagon?"

 

Farmer: "When the constable arrived, he went over to my horse, who had a broken leg, and shot him. Then he went over to Rover, my dog, who was all banged up, and shot him. When he asked me how I felt, I just thought under the circumstances, it was a wise choice of words to say."

[worldangel]

Joke: Very nice house

A man goes to his doctor complaining about migraines.

 

His doctor tells him, "I also suffer from the same ailment. Every time I get one, I give my wife oral sex.

 

When she has an orgasm, she tightens her legs around my head which gets rid of the pain.

 

You should try it sometime."

 

Two weeks later on a return visit, the patient tells his doctor, "Your suggestion worked and I'd like to tell you that you have a very nice house."

[worldangel]

Joke: Superman

 

Two guys are at a bar on the roof of a hotel.

 

One guy says to the other guy, "I'll bet you a beer that I can jump off this building, let this wind take me all the way around this building, and I'll land back up here."

 

The other guy says, "You're on."

 

The first guy jumps and, sure enough, he goes around the building and lands back on the roof.

 

"You owe me a beer," he says.

 

He goes on to perform the trick several more times, collecting free beers, until the second guy decides he's going to try it too. He stands on the edge, looking forward to a free beer from the first man, and jumps off, dying when he slams into the pavement below.

 

The bartender says to the first man, "You sure are an asshole when you're drunk, Superman."

[worldangel]

Joke: Can I have a cigarette?

 

A man walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender, "Can I have a cigarette?"

 

The bartender replies, "Sure, the cigarette machine is over there." So he walks over to the machine and as he is about to order a cigarette, the machine suddenly says, "Oi, you bloody idiot."

 

The man says with surprise in his voice, "That's not very nice." He returns to his bar stool without a cigarette and asks the bartender for some peanuts.

 

The bartender passes the man a bowl of peanuts and the man hears one of the peanuts speak, "Ooh, I like your hair."

 

The man says to the bartender, "Hey, what's going on here? Your cigarette machine is insulting me and this peanut is coming on to me. Why's this?"

 

The bartender replies, "Oh, that's because the machine is out of order and the peanuts are complementary."

[worldangel]

Joke: Traveling through the country

 

Traveling through the country, an old couple drives into a gas station.

 

The attendant asks the old man, "Where you folks from? I know everybody in this town."

 

The old man says, "We're from Nebraska." Hard of hearing, the old lady nudges her husband, "What did he say, papa?"

 

The old man answers her, "He asked us where we are from." "Oh," replies the old woman. The old man tells the attendant to fill up the tank and check the tires. When that's all done, the attendant tells the old man, "You know, the worst piece of ass I ever had was from Nebraska."

 

The old lady nudges her husband once more and asks, "What did he say, papa?"

 

The husband replies, "He thinks he knows you, mama."

[worldangel]

Joke: My sweet little hamster

 

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady.

 

He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes.

 

In the middle the room, under the carpet, was a bump.

 

"No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.

 

"Here," she said, handing him his cigarette pack. "I found them in the hallway. Now, if only I could find my sweet little hamster."

[worldangel]

Joke: Group therapy session

 

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children.

 

"You all have obsessions," he observed.

 

To the first mother he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

 

He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

 

At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go.

[worldangel]

Joke: Two mental patients

 

Two mental patients were walking next to a swimming pool.

 

One jumped into the pool and the other jumped in to save him.

 

Their doctor saw the rescue and called the rescuer to his office.

 

"Due to your actions, it appears your mental state is fine," the doctor said to the patient, "You can go home to your family, but before you do, you should know that the person you saved hung himself today."

 

The patient replied, "He didn't hang himself; I hung him there to dry."

[worldangel]

Joke: "The Meaning of Dreams."

 

A woman was taking an afternoon nap.

 

When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?"

 

"You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

 

Delighted, she opened it to find a book entitled "The Meaning of Dreams."

[worldangel]

Joke: At the retirement home

 

Three old timers at the retirement home were complaining about growing old.

 

The first one says, "I wake up at 7:00 AM and try for a half hour to take a poop."

 

The second one says, "Oh yeah? I spend an hour trying to pee."

 

The third one says, "I take a nice poop at 7:00 AM and about 7:30 AM take a nice pee."

 

The other two guys look at him and ask, "What are you complaining about?"

 

The third man explains, "I don't wake up till 8:30 AM."

[worldangel]

Joke: Tom & Larry

 

Tom was at the hospital visiting with his best friend Larry who was dying.

 

Tom asked, "If there is baseball in heaven will you come back and tell me?"

 

Larry nodded yes just as he passed away. That night while Tom was sleeping, he heard Larry's voice in a dream, "Tom..." "Larry! What is it?!" asked Tom.

 

"I have good news and bad news from heaven." "What's the good news?"

 

"There is baseball in heaven after all, but the bad news is you're pitching on Tuesday."

[worldangel]

Joke: Heart surgery

 

A girl says, "I'm having heart surgery today."

 

The boy says, "I know."

 

The girl says, "I love you!"

 

The boy says, "I love you more, much much more!"

 

After the surgery, when the girl woke up, only her father was next to her bed.

 

The girl says, "Where is he?"

 

The father responded, "You don't know who gave you the heart?"

 

The girl says, "What???" and starts crying.

 

The father says, "I'm just kidding, he went to the bathroom."

[worldangel]

Joke: Four men in the hospital

 

Four men are in the hospital waiting room because their wives are having babies.

 

A nurse approaches the first guy and says, “Congratulations! You're the father of twins.”

 

“That's odd,” answers the man. “I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

 

A nurse then yells the second man, “Congratulations! You're the father of triplets!”

 

“That's weird,” answers the second man. “I work for the 3M company!”

 

A nurse goes up to the third man saying, “Congratulations! You're the father of quadruplets."

 

“That's strange,” he answers. “I work for the Four Seasons hotel!”

 

The last man begins groaning and banging his head against the wall.

 

“What's wrong?” the others ask. “I work for 7 Up!”

[worldangel]

Joke: New patient

 

A new patient was quite upset when the doctor’s nurse led him to a small, curtained cubicle and told him to undress.

 

"But I only want the doctor to look at an ingrown toenail!" he protested.

 

"Our rule is that everyone must undress," replied the blond nurse.

 

"That’s a stupid rule," grumbled the patient, "making me undress just to look at my toe."

 

"That’s nothing," growled a voice from the next cubicle. "I just came to fix the phones!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Stop shaking

 

What did the banana say to the vibrator?

I don't know why you're shaking, she's gonna eat me!

Edited November 23, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: 75 in a 55

 

In a hurry to get somewhere the lady was doing 75 in a 55mph zone.

A State Patrol stopped her. He walked up to her car and asked, "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

"Because you wanted to sell me tickets to the State Patrolmen's Ball?” she replied.

"State Patrolmen don't have balls", he said...then realizing what he had just said...he let her go!

[worldangel]

Joke: Team work

 

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial.

It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

"Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.” And, gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk."

[worldangel]

Joke: What are cats?

 

What, exactly, are cats?

• Cats do what they want, when they want.

• They never listen.

• They are not predictable.

• They whine when they are not happy.

• When you want to play, they want to be left alone.

• When you want to be alone, they want to play.

• They expect you to cater to their every whim.

• They are moody

• They leave their hair everywhere.

• They drive you nuts.

Cats are small women in fur coats.

[worldangel]

Joke: Sperm donor

 

A masked gunman walks into a sperm bank, he points the gun at the woman behind the counter and tells her to drink the sample in front of her, the woman confused asked what?

 

The man puts the gun to her head and says "I said drink that sample or I’ll kill you, so she does.

 

Just then he takes off his mask and says "see honey it’s not so bad."

[worldangel]

Joke: The story of each storey

 

There is a four-storey building. On the fourth storey there is a butcher, on the third storey there is a guy with a really long dick, on the second storey there is a painter who likes to paint things green, and on the first storey there is a guy who loves to eat pickles.

 

So one day, the guy on the third storey had a problem, his dick was too hot so he stuck it out the window. Then the butcher thought it was salami and he chopped it off.

 

It then fell down to the second storey were the painter painted it green and accidentally threw it out the window and fell down in the pickle jar of the first storey. Suddenly the guy in the first storey picked the painted piece of dick from the jar and ate it.

 

He then told his wife: Ohh this pickle is yummy, especially with the white filling!

[worldangel]

Joke: Fertilizer

 

A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer.

 

A little boy, playing in front of his house, saw him and called, "What've you got in your truck?" "Fertilizer," the farmer replied.

 

"What are you going to do with it?" asked the little boy.

 

"Put it on strawberries," answered the farmer.

 

"You ought to live here," the little boy advised him.

 

"We put sugar and cream on ours."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three rabbits

 

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots.

 

They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night.

 

The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight.

 

They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night.

 

The next morning, the rabbits get to talking. "I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.

 

"I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second. "I'm going back to the lab," says the third.

 

"I'm dying for a cigarette."

[worldangel]

Joke: Weight problem

 

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem.

 

As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed.

 

"I'm so ashamed, and dirty Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."

 

The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."

 

"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.

 

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."

[worldangel]

Joke: I need something … doc

 

Seventy-year-old Mr. Larson went to see his doctor.

“Marlow,” he said, “I need something which will enable me to get an erection. What can you do?

The doctor gave the man a shot of potency drug, but only charged him $50.00 for the office visit.

A few days later, thrilled with the results, Mr. Larson returned for a second injection.

Only this time, before leaving, he gave the doctor a crisp $100 bill.

“But the bill is only $50.00.” “I know,” he winked. “The other $50.00 is from my wife.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Kamikaze

 

A young man walks into a bar and orders a Kamikaze. As soon as he is severed he slams it down. And before the bartender can walk away he calls out I need a shot of Tequila. So the bat tender pours the tequila.

 

And no sooner than he is server he slams it back and then the young man asks for a shot of Gin. The bar tender compiles with the request, and out of curiosity asks the young man are you celebrating?

 

The young man nods, and says quietly my first blow job. The bartender smiles and says I remember my first. The young man looks up and says so how did you get rid of that taste?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The matchmaker

 

The matchmaker approached a single woman and told her he had a husband for her.

 

“I’m ashamed to bring this up,” he said, “but the man wants to be sure you are compatible in bed. He wants, he says, a sample.”

 

The woman was shocked. “Such a thing you ask a religious virtuous woman? Such a crude person would suggest such a thing? He must be a barnyard animal, not a gentleman.”

 

The matchmaker, trying to earn a fee, said, “He’s a pragmatic, man. After all, to him it’s not a big deal… just a sample.”

 

She thought a minute. “A pragmatic man, is he? So tell him I don’t give samples. I can give him 50 or 60 references, if he wants, though.

[worldangel]

Joke: Eat your egg!

 

Dad tries to persuade his son to eat the egg he has prepared for him: "Eat your egg my child to become as big as daddy!"

 

"I do not want," says the little one.

 

"Eat it my boy to become strong and powerful."

 

"I’m telling you, now!" insists the youngest. "My dear son, eat your egg to make your bird grow."

 

And the mom from the inside "George, you eat the egg… I’ll make burgers for the kid!"

[worldangel]

Joke: X’mas Eve

 

It was the night before Christmas, and all through the house everyone felt shitty even the mouse. Mom at the whorehouse and dad smoking grass, I settled down for a nice piece of ass.

 

When all of a sudden I heard such a clatter, I sprung from my place to see what was the matter. When out on the lawn I saw a big dick, I knew in a moment it must be Saint Nick.

 

He came down the chimney like a bat out of hell, I knew in a moment the f*cker had fell. He filled all of our stockings with pretzels and beer and a big rubber dick for my brother the queer.

 

He rose up the chimney with a thunderous fart, the son of a b*tch tore the chimney apart. He swore and he cursed as he flew out of sight, "piss on you all and have a hell of a night."

[worldangel]

Joke: Back to back

 

Robinson came home in great excitement and said to his wife, “You’ll never believe it, dear, but I’ve discovered an entirely new position for lovemaking.”

 

“Really,” said Mrs. Robinson, interested at once. “What is it?” “Back to back.”

 

“But that’s crazy. We can’t do anything back to back.”

 

“Yes we can. I’ve persuaded another couple to help out.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Three daughters

 

A father has three daughters that are all getting married on the same day. He asks his oldest daughter, ''Who do you wish to marry?

 

She says, ''Father, I wish to marry the man with three dragons on his chest.''

 

He walks over to his second daughter and asks her the same question.

 

She replies, ''Father, I wish to marry the man with two dragons on his chest.''

 

He then goes to his youngest daughter and asks her the same thing: ''Who do you wish to marry?''

 

She replies, ''I wish to marry the man with one draggin' on the floor!''

[worldangel]

Joke: Doing anything unusual?

 

There was a guy and he went to the doctor and he showed the doctor his dick.

 

He asked why it was orange and the doctor replyed: Have you been doing anything unusual?

 

And he said: No. So the doctor ran so tests then he sent the guy home told him to come back in 2 weeks.

 

So he did and it was even oranger so once again the doctor asked: Have you been doing anything at all unusual?

 

And the guy said: Well about 2 weeks ago I was watching porno and eating a bag of crunchy cheetos.

[worldangel]

Joke: Making a stew for dinner

 

There was once a lady making a stew for dinner when she found she had no onions, so with no time to waste she raced to the shops, burst in saying could i have some onions please.

 

The shopkeeper replied sorry lady we are fresh out of onions. The lady said but i really need onions and gave all the reasons why in one big sentence.

 

The shopkeeper said look lady, I`ll put it to you another way and continued to ask her- if you take the o from tomato what do you have?

 

The lady said tomat, Yes said the man and if you take the o from potato what do you have?

 

The lady said potat. Yes said the man behind the counter, now if you take the fuck out of onions what do you have?

 

"But there's no fuck in onions", said the lady, Yes said the man, That's what I have been trying to tell you!"

[worldangel]

Gay Joke: Magic dildo

 

"Hey, I have a magic dildo for sale," he says. "What? There's no such thing," she replied.

 

"No seriously, if you don't believe me try it out in the bathroom. All you have to say is 'magic dildo my pussy.'"

 

A bit skeptical she agrees and takes the dildo to the bathroom. A few minutes later she comes out.

 

"Wow, that was great!" She says. She ends up buying the dildo and leaves the store.

 

On the drive home she starts to feel a little frisky and figures why not try out the magic dildo.

 

Well she's really enjoying herself. The car is swerving and she rolls through a red.

 

She ends up getting pulled over by a cop. After she rolls down her window she tells him the whole story.

 

She explains about the magic dildo and the shop. The cop says, "Magic dildo my ass too."

Edited November 24, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Two boys

 

Two boys from the mountains, Leroy and Jasper have been promoted from privates to sergeants.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroys says, "Hey, Jasper, there's the NCO Club. Let's you and me stop in."

"But we're privates," protests Jasper. "We're sergeants now," says Leroy, pulling him inside.

"Now, Jasper, I'm a-gonna sit down and have me a drink."

"But we're privates," says Jasper.

"You blind, boy?" asks Leroy, pointing at his stripes. "We're sergeants now."

So they have their drink, and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Leroy. "You're cute," she says, "and I'd like to date you, but I've got a bad case of gonorrhoea."

Leroy pulls his friend to the side and whispers, "Jasper, go look in the dictionary and see what gonorrhoea means. If it's okay, give me the okay sign."

So Jasper goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Leroy the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Leroy is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhoea.

"Jasper," he says, "what fo' you give me the okay?"

"Well, Leroy, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhoea affects only the privates." He points to his stripes. "But we're sergeants now!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Would you like to dance?

A rather awkward freshman finally got up the nerve to ask a pretty junior for a dance at the homecoming. She gave him the once-over and said, "Sorry, I won't dance with a child."

"Please forgive me," responded the underclassman. "I didn't realize you were pregnant."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Eat Watermelons

A farmer in the country has a watermelon patch and upon inspection he discovers that some of the local kids have been helping themselves to a feast.

 

The farmer thinks of ways to discourage this profit-eating situation. So he puts up a sign that reads: "WARNING! ONE OF THESE WATERMELONS CONTAINS CYANIDE!"

He smiled smugly as he watched the kids run off the next night without eating any of his melons. 

 

The farmer returns to the watermelon patch a week later to discover that none of the watermelons have been eaten, but finds another sign that reads: "NOW THERE ARE TWO!" 

 

Edited November 25, 2015 by worldangel