Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Philosophy of a Lazy Wife

I don't do windows because ... I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

I don't wax floors because ... I am terrified a guest will slip and get hurt then I'll feel terrible ( plus they may sue me.)

I don't mind the dust bunnies because ... They are very good company, I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

I don't disturb cobwebs because I want every creature to have a home of their own.

I don't Spring Clean because ... I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous

I don't pull weeds in the garden because ... I don't want to get in God's way, HE is an excellent designer!

I don't put things away because ... My husband will never be able to find them again.

I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because ... I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don't iron because ... I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press".

I don't stress much on anything because ... "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!

REMEMBER . . . .

A clean house is a sign of a broken computer.

[worldangel]

Joke: Silent fart

An elderly couple was attending Mass.

About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?

He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Good Manners

A teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

'Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?'

Michael said: 'Just a minute I have to go pee.' The teacher responded by saying: 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it?' Sherman said: 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.' '

That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?'

Johnny said 'I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?

I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.'

The teacher fainted...

[worldangel]

Joke: A Superior Favor

Wanting to grab a can of Coke from a vending machine, an officer asks to borrow a dollar from a soldier passing down the hall.

“Sure, buddy,” says the soldier.

“That’s no way to address a superior!” screams the officer. “Now let’s try that again. May I borrow a dollar, private?”

“Sir, no, sir!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Shoe Salesman Pervert

A woman goes shoe-shopping one day. As the salesman is helping her try on shoes he notices she is not wearing panties.

He looks at the woman and says, “Man, I’d love to fill that with ice cream and eat it!”

The woman slaps the man and runs home to tell her husband.

The husband acts disinterested and his wife gets angry and asks, “Aren’t you going to do anything!?”

The husband replies, “First of all, you have too many shoes as it is. Second, you shouldn’t be out shopping without panties.

And third of all, I’m not going to mess with anyone who can eat that much ice cream!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Curtain Rod Revenge

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music,

and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left. When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days Then slowly, the house began to smell.

They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and

in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!

People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.

Eventually, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A few months later, even though they had literally cut their price in half,

they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.

Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house.

She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how truly bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/3 of what the house had been worth when they were married,

but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling smugly as they watched the moving company pack up everything to take to their new home.

And to spite his ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!

[worldangel]

Joke: Obsessed Mothers

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mom, Mary, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second mom, Ann: "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny."

He turns to the third mom, Joyce: "Your obsession is alcohol. This too manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother, Kathy, gets up, takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on, Richard, we're leaving."

Edited March 27, 2009 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Turn Off the Lights

A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would suddenly turn off.

Each time the lights went out, the place would erupt into a loud cheer. However, when the patrons saw the nun walk in, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender and asked, "Can you point me to the nearest the restroom?"

The bartender replied, "Okay, but I should warn you, there's a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out,

and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink?"

"No thank you, but, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Gender of the Baby

A pregnant brunette, redhead, and blonde were all in the waiting room of an OBGYN's office, discussing whether they thought they were going to have a boy or girl.

“I know I’m having a boy because my husband was on top of me when we conceived our child,” says the brunette.

The redhead says,”I know we’re having a girl because I was on top of my husband when we conceived.”

The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The brunette and redhead manage to get her to calm down enough to ask what the problem is.

“I’m having puppies,” cries the blonde.

[worldangel]

Joke: Elderly Wife's Confession

An elderly man turns to his wife and asks if she’s ever cheated on him.

“I love you,” she says, “but I must confess. I’ve been unfaithful to you three times.”

“What?” yells the man. “When?”

“The first time was when we were denied a mortgage,” she explains. “I went to see the banker, and I persuaded him to give us the loan.”

“The second time you were ill and we had no insurance to cover the medical bills,” she says. “I went to the doctor and convinced him to treat you for free.”

“And what about the third time?” the husband demands.

“Remember when you ran for mayor,” the wife begins, “and you were behind by 300 votes?”

[JakeTanner]

Dangerous Food

A nutritionist was addressing a large audience in Canada.

“The food we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us years ago,” she said.

“Fast food is full of salt. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food can be loaded with MSG. There are trans fat in snacks, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the bacteria in our drinking water.”

“But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years to come after eating it?”

From the back row came an elderly voice.

“Wedding cake?”

Edited March 27, 2009 by JakeTanner

[clementi]

Dangerous Food

Thanks JakeTanner. Pls join us and share some more jokes :thumb:

[clementi]

Joke: Marriage

After 40 years of marriage, Jimmy decides to leave Katherine. She starts crying and then asks, "How can you do this, Jimmy? How can you just walk out?

The first year we were together, you caught pneumonia and almost died! Who sat by your bed and nursed you back to health?

Me! And when you lost half your family in the terrible car crash, who kept you going and kept your spirits up? Me!

And when our kids grew up and ran away from home, who sat with you can comforted you? Me!

And when you lost everything last year in the fire at the store, who stayed at your side the whole time? Me!

How could you leave me, Jimmy? You've been through everything with me."

Jimmy replies, "That's just the problem, Katherine! You're just fxxking bad luck!"

[clementi]

Joke: Turn Around

John goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown".

John just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him.

He asks, "Are you Ok?" In a very weak voice John says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?"

The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.

"I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown."

John said, "Oh Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'"

[clementi]

Joke: Cowboy

2 cowboys talking about sex. 1 cowboy sayes "I like the rodeo position!"

"I havent heard of that..." sayes the other cowboy, "what is it?"

"Well get your girlfriend down on all fours and mount her from behind.

Then reach round and cup both of her breasts and whisper 'these feel just like your sisters' and try and hold on for 8 seconds!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Trucker Hits a Pig

A trucker is driving down the highway when he hears a loud thump under his semi. He stops to check the damage, then calls his boss.

“I hit a pig on the road, and he’s stuck under my truck,” he explains. “What should I do?”

“Shoot it in the head,” answers the boss. “Then pull it out and throw it in the truck.”

The driver does it, then calls his boss back. “I did what you told me,” he explains.

“So what’s the problem?” snaps the boss.

The driver replies, “I don’t know what to do with his motorcycle.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Bank Robbery

An armed hooded robber bursts into the Bank of Ireland and forces the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door with the loot, one brave Irish customer grabs the hood and pulls it off revealing the robber's face.

The robber shoots the guy in the head without hesitation! He then looks around the bank to see if anyone else has seen him.

One of the tellers is looking straight at him, and the robber walks over and calmly shoots him in the head also.

Everyone by now is very scared and looking down at the floor.

Did anyone else see my face?' asks the robber?

There is a few moments of silence, when one elderly Irish gent, looking down, tentatively raises his hand and says:

"I think me wife may have caught a glimpse."

[worldangel]

Joke: Flat tire....

Yesterday I had a flat tire on the highway, so I eased my car over to the shoulder of the road, carefully got out of the car and opened the trunk.

I took out 2 cardboard men, unfolded them and stood them at the rear of my car facing oncoming traffic.

They look so life-like you wouldn't believe it!

They are in trench coats, exposing their nude bodies and private parts to the approaching drivers.

I started to change my tire, and to my surprise, cars started slowing down looking at my life -like men.

And of course, traffic started backing up. Everybody was tooting their horns and waving like crazy.

It wasn't long before an OPP pulled up behind me.

He got out of his car and started walking towards me. I could tell he was not a happy camper! "What's going on here?"

"My car has a flat tire," I said calmly.

"Well, what the hell are those obscene cardboard men doing here by the road?"

I couldn't believe that he didn't know. So I told him, "Hello-o-o-o, those are my emergency flashers."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Missing Period

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.

When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy called upon walked up to the front of the class,

and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down.

Puzzled the teacher asked him just what it was. "It's a period," said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Darned if I know," said the little boy, "But this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

[worldangel]

Joke: Sunday Morning 11 AM

In a hospital’s Intensive Care Unit, patients were dying in the same bed every Sunday morning at 11a.m, regardless of their medical condition.

This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths took place at 11 AM.

So a world-wide expert team was contacted and they decided to go down to the ward to investigate the cause of the incidents.

On the next Sunday morning a few minutes before 11 a.m. all doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.

Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off evil.

Just then the clock struck 11…

And then……

Ms Santa, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward, unplugged the life support system and plugged in the vacuum cleaner.

[worldangel]

Joke: The Blonde Mortician

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The female blonde mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed.

She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'

To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check. 'There's no charge,' she says. 'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.

[worldangel]

Joke: Mistress

A very prestigious wealthy man and his wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough. I want a divorce!"

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris , no more wintering in Barbados , no more summers in Tuscany , no more Jaguar in the garage and no more yacht club.

But the decision is yours."

Just then, a colleague of the husband enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Matt ?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies

[worldangel]

Joke: Saying The Right Thing

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all.

He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table.

And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.

Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in Lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper.

His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... What happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, I'm married!!"

Broken Coffee Table: $239.99. Hot Breakfast: $4.20. Two Aspirins: $.38. Saying the right thing, at the right time. . . PRICELESS!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Did you call for me?

Bob joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day he takes off his clothes and starts wandering around.

A gorgeous petite blonde walks by him and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him grinning sweetly and says: "Sir, did you call for me?"

Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?" She says: "You must be new here; let me explain.

It's a rule here that if I give you an erection, it implies you called for me."

Smiling, she then leads him to the side of a pool, lays down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.

Bob continues exploring the facilities. He enters a sauna, sits down, and farts.

Within a few seconds a huge, horribly corpulent, hairy man with a firm erection lumbers out of the steam towards him.

The Huge Man says: "Sir, did you call for me?" Bob replies: "No, what do you mean?"

The Huge Man: "You must be new here; it is a rule that when you fart, it implies you called for me."

The huge man then easily spins Bob around, bends him over the bench and has his way with him.

Bob rushes back to the colony office. He is greeted by the smiling naked receptionist: "May I help you?"

Bob says: "Here is your card and key back. You can keep the $500 joining fee."

Receptionist: "But Sir, you've only been here a couple of hours; you only saw a small fraction of our facilities.....

"Bob replies: "Listen lady, I am 58 years old, I get a hard-on twice a month, but I fart 15 times a day.

[worldangel]

Joke: Foot Fetish

The blind daters had really hit it off.

At the end of the evening as they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said,

"Before we go any further, Charlene, tell me if you have any special fetishes that I should know about."

"As a matter of fact," said the girl, "I happen to have a foot fetish. But I suppose I'd settle for seven or eight inches.

[worldangel]

Joke: What’s your name?

A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own.

After a couple of drinks he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk. She accepted.

"What's your name?" he asked her.

"Carmen," she replied.

"That's a nice name. Did your mother or father name you that?"

"Neither. I changed my name when I was eighteen from Sharon to Carmen."

"Why did you do that?" he asked.

"Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that is how I got my name. What's your name?"

"Beerpussy," the man replied.

[worldangel]

Joke: A Doctor's Opinion

A Doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast.

The Doctor, clearly miffed, blurts to his wife, "You aren't so good in bed either!" and stormed off to work.

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home.

After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answers the phone. "What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?"

"I was in bed."

"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"

"I was getting a second opinion."

[worldangel]

Joke: Wedding Night

Sophie just got married, and being a traditional woman was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But mother reassured her.

"Don't worry, Sophie. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Luca took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Sophie ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Luca's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Sophie", says the mother, "All good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Luca took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again Sophie ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Luca took off his pants, and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Luca's a good man. Go upstairs, and he'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up there, Luca took off his socks, and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Sophie saw this, she ran downstairs.

"Mama, Mama, Luca's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta", says the mother. "This is a job for Mama!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Manhood

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body.

His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic.

The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large.

The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.

The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.

The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected.

"Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

[worldangel]

Joke: Fast Service

A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated.

An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed. Minutes passed and nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Considering Cop

Two men are driving through London when they get pulled over by a cop.

The cop walks up and taps on the window with his stick.

The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him in the head with the stick.

The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?".

The officer answers, "You're in London son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."

The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."

The officer does a check on the driver's license, and he's O.K..

He gives the man his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him on the head with the stick. The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"

The officer says, "Just making your wish come true."

The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"

The officer says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your friend here, "I wish that a*shole would've tried that sh*t with me!"

[worldangel]

Joke: To the pet Cemetery

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat.

As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy."

The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."

[worldangel]

Joke: A big guy at the pool

A man and his girlfriend are at a bar when the girl goes to the bathroom. When she comes back she's crying.

Her boyfriend asks her what happened.

"As I was leaving the bathroom, a big guy at the pool table said he wanted to kiss my breasts all night long"!

The boyfriend stood up from his stool and takes off his jacket.

"He also said he wants to screw me all night long"!! By this time the boyfriend is furious and starts walking to the pool table.

"He said he wants to drink beer from my pussy all night"!!! The boyfriend stops, turns around, sits back up on his stool and grabs his beer.

His girlfriend is stunned, and asks why he wasn't doing anything about the jerk at the pool table.

The boyfriend says "I'm sorry Honey, - but I'm not messing around with a guy that can drink that much beer"!

[worldangel]

Joke: 12 Women and A Man

A group of people were in a shipwreck and were stranded on an island.

The group consisted of 12 women and 1 man.

After a few months, the women grew horny and it was decided that the man needed to take two women a day and they allowed him to have Sundays off.

One day on a day off, he was just relaxing when he noticed a boat nearing. He felt hopeful that maybe they would be rescued, at last.

The boat was almost to the island when the guy noticed it was a man in the boat. As he got out the first guy said "Oh my goodness buddy, am I ever glad to see YOU,

To which the second guy responded "Well alright sweetie! It's been a long time for me too."

The first man exclaimed "Oh hell, there go my Sundays.

[worldangel]

Joke: No Screwing

A married couple has been stranded on a deserted island for many years. One day another man washes up on shore.

He and the wife become attracted to each other right away, but realize they must be creative if they are to engage in any hanky-panky.

The husband, however, is very glad to see the second man there.

"Now we will be able to have three people doing eight hour shifts in the watchtower, rather than two people doing 12-hour shifts."

The newcomer is only too happy to help and in fact volunteers to do the first shift. He climbs up the tower to stand watch.

Soon the couple on the ground are placing stones in a circle to make a fire to cook supper. The second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"

They yell back, "We're not screwing!"

A few minutes later they start to put driftwood into the stone circle. Again the second man yells down, "Hey, no screwing!"

Again they yell back, "We're not screwing!"

Later they are putting palm leaves on the roof of their shack to patch leaks. Once again the second man yells down, "Hey, I said no screwing!"

They yell back, "We're not screwing!" Eventually the shift is over and the second man climbs down from the tower to be replaced by the husband.

He's not even halfway up before the wife and her new friend are hard at it.

The husband looks out from the tower and says, "Son-of-a-gun. From up here it DOES look like they're screwing"

[worldangel]

Joke: Terrible Headaches

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."

"What do you mean?" asked the second guy.

"Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I got aroused in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"

"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.

"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches." he answered.

"Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years.

[worldangel]

Joke: That must be painful

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.

"What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."

[worldangel]

Joke: Donating Blood or Sperm?

A man and a woman were waiting in line at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the same line.

Man: "Hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: (nodding her head with mouth closed, after a BJ) "Unh”

[worldangel]

Joke: Super Heroes

Superman's had a hard week of fighting crime in Metropolis and is ready for some fun.

So Friday afternoon, he looks up his pals Batman and Spiderman to see if they're up for going on the prowl that evening.

Both turn him down on account of prior commitments and Superman is pretty ticked.

As he's flying around the stratosphere letting off steam, he spots Wonder Woman lying on her back stark naked sunbathing on the beach.

"Hey," he thinks, "I'm Superman and I don't need those two clowns to have a good time.

I can just fly down there at the speed of light, catch a quickie, and fly away before she knows what happened."

So, Superman zips down, takes advantage of the situation and flies away at the speed of light.

Wonder Woman says, "What the hell was that?"

The Invisible Man says, "I don't know but it hurt like"

[worldangel]

Joke: pxxn Stars

A trumpeter is hired to play two solos in a movie.

After the sessions he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public.

Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a pxxno house.

The musician enters the theatre wearing a dark raincoat and shades.

Unaccustomed to pxxno flicks, he sits in the last row next to an elderly couple.

The film has explicit sex scenes: oral intercourse, anal intercourse, golden showers, sado-masochism and near the end a dog has intercourse with the leading female character.

The musician who is immensely embarrassed turns to the elderly couple and whispers, "I wrote the score and I just came to hear the music", to which the elderly woman whispers in reply, "We just came to see our dog”.

[worldangel]

Joke: Congratulations

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him.

The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.

"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile." "How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

[worldangel]

Joke: Four Fingers

Sean and Jason were in a bar, and they went into the toilet to take a leak.

While standing at the urinal Sean confessed, "I wish I had a dick like my cousin James. He needs four fingers to hold his."

Jason looked over and pointed out, "But you're holding yours with four fingers."

"I know," said Sean, "but I'm peeing on three of them.

[worldangel]

Joke: An Old Man’s Gift

An elderly man entered a car agency with his young wife.

The owner of the agency spotted the couple and went over to wait upon them himself.

He couldn't help but stare at the lady, which, of course, the elderly man noticed.

"May I propose a wager," said the elderly man.

"If you can do everything to my wife that I can do and still end up the way I do, I will pay you double for the car.

But if you cannot, you will give it to me for free!"

"Okay, agreed!" said the agency owner.

The elderly man gave his wife a passionate kiss, then the agency owner did the same.

Then the elderly man unbuttoned her blouse and kissed her breasts. So did the agency owner. T

Then the husband opened his fly, pulled out his pecker, and bent it in half.

"What color car do you want?" asked the agency owner.

[worldangel]

Joke: Oh, to be young again

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year-old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, "What are these, Dad?"

The man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of three and asks, "Why are there three in this package."

The dad replies, "Those are for high-school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a pack of six and asks "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers, "Two for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy. "Then who uses these?" he asks, picking up a 12-pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March”

[worldangel]

Joke: Morris’ Wedding Night

At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25 year old woman.

Because her new husband is so old the woman decides that on their wedding night they should have separate bedrooms.

She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself.

After the wedding festivities she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting.

Sure enough the knock comes and there is her groom ready for action.

They unite in conjugal union and all goes well whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.

After a few minutes there's a knock on the door and there old Morris is again ready for more action.

Somewhat surprised she consents to further coupling which is again successful after which the octogenarian bids her a fond good night and leaves.

She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and is close to sleep, for the second time when there is another knock at the door and there he is again fresh as a 25 year old and ready for more.

Once again they do the horizontal boogie.

As they're laying in afterglow the young bride says to him, "I am really impressed that a man your age has enough juice to go at it three times. I've been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You're a great lover Morris."

Morris looks confused, and turns to her and says," I was here already.

[worldangel]

Joke: The CEO

A fellow had just been hired as the new CEO of a large tech corporation.

The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes.

"Open one of these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and the CEO was really catching a lot of heat.

About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope.

The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

The new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO.

Satisfied with his comments, the press - and Wall Street - responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems.

Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize."

This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times.

The CEO went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Mule

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary.

Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town, and on this special occasion, a local newspaper reporter paid them a visit.

He inquired as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

"Well," explained the husband, "it all goes back to our honeymoon.

We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule."

"We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said 'That's once.'

We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly spoke: 'That's twice.'

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time.

My wife promptly removed a revolver from her purse, hopped down off the beast, and shot the mule dead."

"I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said, 'That's once.'"

[worldangel]

Joke: Over The Counter

A middle-aged man who is about 5 feet, 8 inches tall walks into a Wal-Mart and asks where the pharmacy counter is.

He is directed to it. When he reaches the pharmacy counter, he asks to see the pharmacist.

The pharmacist comes out, and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly, "Do you sell Viagra here?"

The pharmacist answers firmly, "Yes, sir. We certainly do."

The man then says, "Do you think I could get it over the counter?"

The pharmacist looks at him for a moment, compares his height to that of the counter, and then says, "Perhaps if you took 5 or 6 pills at once you might."

[clementi]

Joke: Mama Needs A New Pair of Shoes

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!"

The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement.

Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Dang it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

[clementi]

Joke: The salary theory

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

Since:

Knowledge = Power

Time = Money

Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:

Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:

The less you know, the more you make.