Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Sudden Wind Storm

A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner during a sudden windstorm.

She was bracing herself by holding a lightpost with one hand, and she was holding her hat snuggly against her head with her other hand.

Unfortunately, a strong gust blew her dress upward, and it continued to flap in the wind, exposing her privates for everyone to see.

The policeman asked, "Hey Lady, everybody is taking a look at what you`ve got. Don`t you think that pulling your dress down is more important than worrying about your hat?"

"Look, sonny,.... what these people are looking at is 60 years old. ...But the hat is BRAND NEW!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Valentine’s day

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he's doing.

"I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine's Day cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Back a few years ago, I went …

Back a few years ago, I went over to my neighbour’s house.(She was a blonde), and for some reason she was mad at the world. She had locked herself in the bathroom and was threatening suicide. I said, "Come on, you know you don't want to do this!"

 

She said, "I damn well do wanna do this, nobody wants me alive anyways."

 

For some reason I actually believed her and pushed through the door, and saw she had a rope tied to around her ankles. I asked "Are you really trying to hang yourself?"

 

"Yeah, so what?"

"Well, usually when people hang themselves they tie the rope around their necks"

"Yeah, well, I tried that, but then I couldn't breathe."

 

Edited November 25, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Lunatics

 

Three lunatics approach their Asylum doctor with a request for a weekend pass to the local city.

 

"That's impossible says the doctor. You're all nuts. You'll get lost and never come back." But, the lunatics wouldn't relent until finally, exasperated, the doctor says "OK! If you can answer a simple question I'll sign the pass."

 

He turns to the first lunatic and says "What's three times three?" The lunatic starts counting on his fingers "3, 7, 19, 38?. Is it 128?" The doctor shakes his head and turns to the next lunatic: "What's three times three?" The lunatic immediately shouts "WEDNESDAY!"

 

The doctor, beginning to get disgusted turns to the last lunatic: What's three times three?" The lunatic thinks for a moment and then asks for a pencil and a piece of paper. That provided, she writes for some time furiously, and finally looks up and says "Nine."

 

The doctor is amazed, but true to his word he begins filling out the pass. As he's writing he says "This is incredible, you've always been thoroughly insane. How'd you do it?"

 

The lunatic responds, "Oh, it was easy I divided 128 by Wednesday!"

 

Edited November 25, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Tell The Whole Truth

Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defence.

 

"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"

 

The client replied that he did.

 

Then lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?"

 

The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win." 

 

Edited November 25, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Watermelons

 

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. 

 

After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." 

 

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"  

  

 

Edited November 25, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A plus

A college girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her English class and the instructions were that it had to include Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.

She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:

"Good God, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Birthday Party


A lady is throwing a party for her granddaughter, and had gone all out..... a caterer, band, and a hired clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they will help chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house. 

The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn't shown up. After a half and hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and would probably not make the party at all. 

 

The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did mid-air flips, and leaped high in the air. 

 

She spoke to the other bum and said, "What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I have never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $50!"

The other bum says, "Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. 'HEY WILLIE! FOR $50, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?"       
 

Edited November 25, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Married 25 years, I took a look...

Married 25 years, I took a look at my wife one day and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond. 

 

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things." 

 

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.

 

Edited November 25, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Social Media IRL

 

I’ve given up social media for the New Year and am trying to make friends outside Facebook while 
applying the same principles.

 

Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow.

 

Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them. And it works.

 

I already have three people following me—two 
police officers and a psychiatrist.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My Daily Regimen

 

My doctor took one look at 
my gut and refused to believe that 
I work out.

 

So I listed the exercises 
I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, 
push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot 
in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

[worldangel]

Joke: No. 1 on Our List — Literally!

 

My father was completely lost in the kitchen and never ate unless someone prepared a meal for him. When Mother was ill, however, he volunteered to go to the supermarket for her. She sent him off with a carefully numbered list of seven items.

 

Dad returned shortly, very proud of himself, and proceeded to unpack the grocery bags. He had one bag of sugar, two dozen eggs, three hams, four boxes of detergent, five boxes of crackers, six eggplants, and seven green peppers.

Edited November 26, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Paternal Payback

 

On the day I received my learner’s permit, my father agreed to take me out for a driving lesson.

 

With a big grin, he hopped in behind the driver’s seat. “Why aren’t you sitting up front on the passenger’s side?” I asked.

 

“Kirsten, I’ve been waiting for this ever since you were a little girl,” Dad replied. “Now it’s my turn to sit back here and kick the seat.”

[worldangel]

Joke: What a Card!

 

Father’s Day was near when I brought my three-year-old son, Tyler, to the card store. Inside, I showed him the cards for dads and told him to pick one.

 

When I looked back, Tyler was picking up one card after another, opening them up and quickly shoving them back into slots, every which way. “Tyler, what are you doing?” I asked.

 

“Haven’t you found a nice card for Daddy yet?”

 

“No,” he replied. “I’m looking for one with money in it.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Papa Bear

 

My husband’s cousin married a former Marine who now works for United Parcel Service. They bought their four-year-old son two stuffed bears — one in a UPS uniform and the other in Marine garb.

 

When the boy seemed confused, his father brought out a picture of himself in full Marine dress. “See, Connor?” he explained, pointing to the photo and then to the bear. “That’s Daddy.”

 

Connor’s eyes went from one to the other, and then he asked in a puzzled voice, “You used to be a bear?”

Edited November 26, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The Calculating Sheepdog

 

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

 

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

 

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

Edited November 26, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Watch the Wash, Dad…

 

I decided to make myself useful and do a load of the family laundry.

 

When I took the clothes out of the machine, I discovered — to my dismay — that I had also washed the watch my wife had given me while we were dating.

 

“Don’t expect me to replace it,” she said later with an obvious lack of sympathy.

 

By the time Father’s Day rolled around, however, she had relented and gave me a beautiful new watch.

 

Attached was a note with this stipulation: “DRY-CLEAN ONLY!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Thanks for the Soda, Pop!

 

Before I took the old family car to college, my father loaded the trunk with soft-drink bottles filled with oil, coolant and transmission fluid.

 

Sure enough, my car overheated. Scolding myself for not listening to my father’s instructions, I looked at the engine and saw how well he knew me.

 

The oil cap was labeled Dr Pepper, the transmission stick, Coke, and the empty coolant container, Diet Pepsi. I finished the trip safely.

Edited November 26, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Brother Xing

 

I’m driving with this guy, and 
he runs right through a Stop sign. So 
I say, “Hey, that was a Stop sign.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”

 

A few blocks later, he plows right through a red light. I say, “You just ran a red light.” And he says, “I drive like my brother!”

 

So now we’re coming up on a green light, and he slows down. I’m confused, so I say, “It’s green; why are you slowing down?”

 

He says, “My brother might be coming.”

Edited November 26, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A Teenage Dream

 

My 11-year-old grandson spent 
a beautiful Saturday playing video games.

 

His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, “Someday, you’re going to be 30 years old, single, and living in Mom’s basement playing video games all day!”

 

His reply: “I can only dream.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off

 

My five-year-old, Matt, worked with a speech therapist on the ch sound, which came outk.

 

The 
therapist asked him to say chicken. He responded with kitchen.

 

They tried again and again, but it always came out kitchen. Undeterred, she pushed him for one more try.

 

Matt sighed and said, “Why don’t we 
just call it a duck?”

[worldangel]

Joke: A Failure to Communicate

 

A father shows up at his daughter’s home and finds his son-in-law angrily packing his bags.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

 

“I texted my wife that I was coming home today from my golfing trip. And what did I find when I walked through the door? Her making out with Joe Murphy! I’m leaving!”

 

“Now, calm down,” says his 
father-in-law. “There must be a 
simple explanation. I’ll find out what happened.”

 

Moments later, he reappears. “I told you there was a simple explanation, and there is,” he says. “She never got your text.”

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: All Dolled Up

 

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no 
secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that 
she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed—and with her blessing—he opened the box and found a 
crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.

 

“My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never 
argue,” she explained.

 

“Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll.”

 

Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box—that meant she’d been angry with him only once in 60 years. “But what about all this money?” he asked.

 

“Oh,” she said, “That’s the money 
I made from selling the dolls.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The Right Choice

 

My 16-year-old brother, Ryan, was out late with friends one night. Suddenly he realized it was Father’s Day and he had neglected to buy a card for our dad.

 

After much searching, Ryan located an open store, but was disappointed to find only two cards left on a picked-over rack. Selecting one, he brought it home and, somewhat sheepishly, presented it to our father.

 

Upon opening it, Dad read this message: “You’ve been like a father to me.” He looked at Ryan, puzzled.

 

“Well, Dad,” Ryan tried to explain, “it was either that or the card that said, ‘Now that I’m a father too!’”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Trashy Career

 

“Has your son decided what 
he wants to be when he grows up?” 
I asked my friend.

 

“He wants to be a garbageman,” 
he replied.

 

“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”

 

“Not really. He thinks that garbagemen work only on Tuesdays.”

Edited November 27, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Terrible Two (Hundreds)

 

Hanging up with my 90-year-old mother, I sighed, then said to 
my 96-year-old uncle, “She’s so 
stubborn.”

 

He shook his head sympathetically and warned, “You’re going to have trouble with her when she gets old.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Say What, Dad?

 

Our Gen-X daughter, Christie, made my husband a Father’s Day card entitled “Things My Dad Would Never Say.” Such as:

 

“Can you turn up that music?”

 

“Go ahead and take my truck. Here’s 50 bucks for gas.”

 

“I LOVE your tattoo. We should both get new ones.”

 

“Here, you take the remote.”

Edited November 27, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Ashes to ashes

 

A man dies, and his wife gets him cremated. She takes the ashes home and starts talking to them.

 

"You know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money. You know the new car you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money."

 

Then she whispers, "You know that blow job I promised you? Well, here it comes."

[worldangel]

Joke: Cowboy talks to animal

 

A cowboy passes by a ranch and strikes up a conversation with the rancher sitting by the gate.

The cowboy asks the rancher, "Mind if I talk to your dog over there?"

"Damn fool, don't you know dogs can't talk?"

The cowboy replies, "So what's the harm?"

The rancher shrugs, "Go right ahead."

The cowboy ambles up to the dog and says, "Howdy!" The dog replies, "Hello."

The rancher's eyes pop wide open.

The cowboy continues, "Does your master here treat you alright?"

"Sure does. He feeds me, lets me sleep inside, and every day he takes me to the lake."

The cowboy asks the shocked rancher, "Mind if I talk to your horse over there?"

The rancher replies, "Now, I don't know what you're up to, but I know for a fact that horses can't talk."

"Well then, what's the harm?"

"Go right ahead," says the rancher.

The cowboy says to the horse, "Hello." The horse replies, "Hello."

The rancher's jaw drops.

The cowboy asks, "Your owner here treat you OK?"

"Sure," replies the horse, tossing his mane. "He rides me every day, brushes me down, feeds me good, and he keeps me in the barn out of the bad weather."

The cowboy looks satisfied and turns to the rancher, "Are those your sheep over there?"

The rancher looks alarmed and stammers, "Listen -- them sheep out there, they're -- they're nothing but a bunch of liars!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Dog talk

 

The Taco Bell Chihuahua, a Doberman and a bulldog are in a doggie bar having a drink when a good-looking female collie comes up to them and says, ''Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me.''

 

The Doberman says, ''I love liver and cheese.''

 

The collie replies, ''That's not good enough.''

 

The bulldog says, ''I hate liver and cheese.''

 

She says, ''That's not creative.''

 

Finally the Chihuahua says, ''Liver alone -- cheese mine.''

[worldangel]

Joke: A fishermen’s tale

 

Two men are fishing in a boat under a bridge and see a funeral procession starting across the bridge.

 

One of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge, and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel and continues fishing.

 

His friend says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."

 

He responds, "Well, I guess it was the right thing to do -- after all, I was married to her for 40 years."

[worldangel]

Joke: Taken apart like machines

 

A young boy asked his mother, "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"

 

Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied his mother.

 

The young boy answered, "The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the tail off his secretary."

[worldangel]

Joke: The BDC

 

A man wants to join the Big Dick Club, and heads down to the club to apply.

 

The receptionist looks at him skeptically and asks him how large his dick is. "18 inches," he replies, proudly.

 

To his surprise, the receptionist begins laughing uncontrollably, and the man leaves in shame.

 

On the way out, he runs into the janitor, who asks him what's wrong. After he explains, he says to the man not to worry. 

"See that lump in my sock?" The man nods. "And I'm just the janitor."

[worldangel]

Joke: Tampon shopping

 

A man walks into a pharmacy and tells the salesgirl that he's looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him to the correct aisle. A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?"

"You see, it's like this. Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling paper. So, I figure, if I have to roll my own, so does she."

[worldangel]

Joke: Taking ducks to market

 

Once there was a farmer with three sons. He gave a duck to his eldest son and told him to see how much money he could get for it at the market. The eldest son came back later in the day, shouting "Dad, I got $10 for the duck!"

The farmer said "Well done, son."

The next day, the farmer sent the middle son to the market with a duck and he came back with $20. "Well done, son," said the farmer.

He then sent the youngest son to the market to see how much he could get for the duck. On the way to the market, the son met a prostitute.

"I'll give you a f**k if you give me that duck," said the prostitute. After they did it, the prostitute said, "That was so good, I'll give you the duck back if you f**k me again." He did, and then he went on to the market.

On the way, the duck flew out of his arms and was run over by a truck. The truck driver jumped out of the cab and said "Oh no, I'm so sorry! Here's $50 to pay for it."

The youngest son went back to the farm and said to his father, "Hey, Dad! I got a f**k for a duck, a duck for a f**k, and $50 bucks for a f**ked up duck."

[worldangel]

Joke: Taking the bait

 

An old farmer is sitting on his front porch watching the sunrise when he sees the neighbour's kid walk by carrying a spool of something metallic under his arm. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Chicken wire."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch some chickens."

"You damn fool! You can't catch chickens with chicken wire!" says the old man.

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, dragging behind him 30 chickens caught in the chicken wire.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walk by carrying a shiny roll of something. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"Duct tape."

"What you gonna do with that?"

"Gonna catch me some ducks."

"You damn fool! You can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy walks by, trailing behind him 30 ducks caught in a long trail of duct tape.

The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying a branch behind him. "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

"It's a pussy willow."

"Wait up," says the old man. "I'll get my hat!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Take ‘em off, boys

 

A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road when her car breaks down. She goes to the nearest farmhouse and knocks on the door.

 

When the farmer answers, she says to him, ''My car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until I can get some help tomorrow?'' ''Well,'' drawls the farmer, ''you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke.''

 

The blonde looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. ''Okay,'' she says. After going to bed, the woman begins to get a little hot thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, ''Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?''

 

They say, ''Huh?''

 

She says, ''The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.'' She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.

 

Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says, ''Luke? You remember that blonde woman that came by here forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?''

 

''Yeah,'' says Luke, ''I remember.''

''Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?'' asks Jed.

 

''Nope,'' says Luke, ''I reckon not.''

''Me neither,'' says Jed. ''Let's take these things off.''

[worldangel]

Joke: Picture menu....

I stopped at the local Burger King for a cold drink and was reading the menu over the counter. I noticed a sign to the side that stated "Picture Menu Available".

I had to ask the clerk what it was for and they told me that they had a number of customers who couldn't read and they used that.

Of course I asked how they would know this picture menu was available and the answer was the classic, "Well, it says so on the sign, doesn't it?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man took his wife to the rodeo...

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.

 

They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
"This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."

 

They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

 

They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib, said, "That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one."

 

The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

 

Edited November 28, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Taking the bullet

 

Two guys are drinking together, when one of them throws up all over himself. "Goodness!" he says, "My wife ish going to kill me."

 

His friend puts his arm around his shoulder and offers him 20 dollars. "Don't worry," he says, "I'm your besht friend - give her thish and tell her that I chucked up on your jacket, and that I gave you thish money to get it cleaned."

 

"Fantashtic," says the first guy. "You're amashing, really the besht."

 

Arriving home, the poor guy's wife opens the door. "Where the hell have you been, look at the state of you..." she kicks off.

 

Quickly he replies, "Look love, it's not really my fault. Jack threw up all over me, but you know he's really a nice guy 'cos he gave me 20 bucks to get my jacket cleaned..."

 

"But there are 40 dollars here," she replies.

"Oh, yeh, I forgot to tell you," he says, "Jack shat in my trousers as well."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two boots

 

A woman walks into a saloon and stands on a chair.

 

"Fellas! My p***y is so big that I'll give $100 to anyone who has something that I can't take." A big cowboy gets up and takes off his size 16 cowboy boots and shoves them into her p***y. The boots are sucked right in. He grabs a flashlight and, that too, is sucked in. He puts his face in between her legs to get a better look and he gets sucked in. Inside he hears noises.

 

"Is someone else in here?" he asks.

"Yeah, I've been in here for a week," the voice says.

 

"Help me find my flashlight and we can get out of here," the cowboy says.

"Hell," says the other man, "help me find my keys and we can drive out."

[worldangel]

Joke: Stop tailgating

 

A modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence, "If you can read this you're too damn close" embroidered on her panties and bra. 

 

"Yes ma'am," said the clerk. "I'm quite certain that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?" 

 

"Braille," she replied.

Edited November 28, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Special talent at the old folk’s home

 

An old woman says to an old man at the rest home, "I can guess your age."

The man doesn't believe her, but tells her to go ahead and try.

"Pull down your pants," she says.

She inspects his rear end for a few minutes and then says, "You're 84 years old."

"That's amazing," the man says. "How did you know?"

"You told me yesterday."

[worldangel]

Joke: The talented parrot

 

At the pet shop, a man spots a parrot without any feet. The man leans in, "Hey buddy, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a hook."

"Wow," says the guy. "I can't believe you're so smart! I'm taking you home."

Weeks go by, and the parrot not only understands everything the man says, but he gives good advice. The guy is delighted.

One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Hey, I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the mailman."

"What happened?" asks the guy.

"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."

"What happened then?" asks the guy.

"Then, the mailman came into the house and lifted up your wife's nightgown," reports the parrot.

"Oh no!" the guy says. "Then what?"

"I don't know," says the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."

[worldangel]

Joke: Kite tails and rejection

 

One day a father and son are flying a kite.

 

The kite is going in circles and crashing.

 

The father comforts the son and the mother yells, ''You need more tail!''

 

The father then tells the son, ''Son, I will never understand your mom.

 

Last night when we were having ''fun'', I asked her for more tail and she told me to go fly a kite.''

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Caught and tagged

 

An old lady buys a pair of parrots, but she cannot identify their sexes.

 

She spends weeks staring at their cage and eventually, she catches them doing what comes naturally.

 

To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she puts a little white collar around the male parrot's neck.

 

Later, the local priest visits the old lady.

 

The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."

[worldangel]

Joke: Turtle soup

 

A waitress walks up to a man to take his order.

 

"I'd like to get the turtle soup, please."

 

The waitress walks off to go get his order, but the man changes his mind and decides he wants the pea soup instead.

 

"Hold the turtle, make it pea!"

[worldangel]

Joke: This guy needs a job

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide.

 

They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorilla’s skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo. Well, the guy has his doubts, but he needs the money, so he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage. 

 

The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up. During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!" 

 

The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!"
 

Edited November 29, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Two elderly gentlemen, who had...

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail.

 

When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.

 

So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. 

 

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. 

The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"

 

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch." 
The first man asked, "How's that?" 

 

"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast... she farted and flew out the window!"


 

Edited November 29, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: There is a knock on the pearly...

There is a knock on the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks out, and a man is standing there. Saint Peter is about to begin his interview when the man disappears. A moment later there’s another knock.

 

Saint Peter gets the door, sees the man, opens his mouth to speak, but the man disappears once again. “Hey, are you playing games with me?” Saint Peter calls after him, rather annoyed.

“No” the man’s distant voice replies anxiously. 
“They are trying to resuscitate me.”