Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: More beer

A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighed and got him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said: "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."

The man sighed and said: "It's started."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man walks pass a beggar on the corner ...

A man walks pass a beggar on the corner of the street where he works.

 

The beggar holds out his one hand and the man drops a coin into his hand. 

 

One day the man walks pass the beggar again and notices the beggar is holding hold out both his hands.

 

He asks: "Why are you holding out both of your hands?" 

 

The beggar replied, "You see sir, business is going so well I decided to open another branch."

 

Edited November 29, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: You Looked A Lot Like My Wife

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her.

 

She jumped up and slapped him silly.

 

He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her." 

 

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed. 

 

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

 

Edited November 29, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Do You Sell Dildo...

A little old lady with blue hair entered the marital aids shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell d-dil-ldoes h-here?"

The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes, Ma'am. We do."

The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about 10 inches apart asked, "D-do y-you ha-aave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"

"Well, yes Ma'am, we do. We have several that size." Forming a 5" circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them about thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"

"Well... Yes ma'am a few of them are about that big."

"D-do aa-ny of th-them ha-ave a v-v-vibbbra-a-ator?"

"Yes, Ma'am, one of them does."

"W-Wel-ll, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Memory test

 

Three old men are at the doctor for a memory test.

The doctor says to the first old man, "What is three times three?"

"274" was his reply.

The doctor worriedly says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday" replies the second man.

The doctor sadly says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"?

"Nine" says the third man.

"That's great!" exclaims the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Jeez, Doc, it's pretty simple," says the third man. "I just subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A flaming story

 

A man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured them against... get this... fire.

After he had smoked them, he then decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed.

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigar normally.

The man sued.

The judge stated that since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were obligated to pay.

After the man accepted payment for his claim, the company then had him arrested ..... for arson.

[worldangel]

Joke: Free riders

 

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" says one perplexed accountant.

"Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "ticket, please."

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost glass eye

 

A few days before his proctological exam, a one eyed man accidentally swallowed his glass eye.

He was worried for a while, but there were no ill effects, so he forgot about it.

Once he was in the doctor's office, the man followed instructions, undressed, and bent over. The first thing the proctologist saw when he looked up the man's ass was that eye staring right back at him.

"You know," said the doctor, "you really have to learn to trust me."

[worldangel]

Joke: Obsessions

 

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed.

To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy."

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny,"

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go".

[worldangel]

Joke: A Golden Axe

 

A little boy was taking a shower with his mother and he looks between her legs and asks, "Mommy, what's that?"

"Well honey", she replied, "that's where God touched me with a Golden Axe."

 

The little boy then said, "OUCH!!! Smacked right in the cunt with a Golden Axe! Didn't that hurt?"

[worldangel]

Joke: You know you are a redneck if  …

 

...You've ever used a bathtub as a punch bowl. ...

You broke a toe when you dropped your belt buckle on it. ...

 

You've ever worn flip-flops to a funeral home. ...

You have visitation rights to a dog. ...

 

You continue to show your cleavage years after anyone wants to see it. ...

You can't remember where your lawn mower is. ...

 

You've ever flirted over a drive-thru window speaker.

Edited November 30, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Loser

 

How do you know when you are a loser?

When a nymphomaniac says, “Let’s just be friends.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Fatherly advice

 

My dad says that when we sleep at night, we should have all windows open.

And what's your dad's job? Is he a doctor?

No, he's a thief.

[worldangel]

Joke: Vaseline

 

Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Steve has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.

Steve’s girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend’s house.

She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven't done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Steve sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn’t exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Steve decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Steve and his girlfriend resume their placs at the dinner table, nobody says a word.

A few minutes later, Steve grabs his girlfriend’s mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table.

Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Steve remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.

With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and exclaims, "Okay, enough already, I'll do the damn dishes!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Black testicles

 

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure.

A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?" Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely...

[worldangel]

Joke: Stolen car

 

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, "I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star."

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from throughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, "Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sad man

 

A man in a bar saw a friend at a table, drinking by himself.

Approaching the friend he commented, "You look terrible. What's the problem?".

"My mother died in June", he said, "and left me $10,000".

"Gee, that's tough", he replied.

"Then in July", the friend continued, "My father died, leaving me $50,000".

"Wow. Two parents are gone in two months. No wonder you’re depressed".

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000".

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad".

"Then this month", continued the friend, "Nothing!".

[worldangel]

Joke: Pulling horse

 

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help his with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, Pull!", but Buddy didn't move.

Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!", but buddy didn't respond. Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!", still nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" and the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

[worldangel]

Joke: English lessons

 

A missionary who had spent years showing a tribe of natives how to farm and build things to be self-sufficient gets the word that he is to return home.

He realizes that the one thing he never taught the natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief and starts walking in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The missionary is pleased with the response.

They walk a little farther and the padre points to a rock and says, "This is a rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The padre is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.

As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The padre is really flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blow gun and kills them.

The padre goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, "My bike."

[worldangel]

Joke: Flasher

There were three little old ladies sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

The first lady immediately had a stroke.

Then the second lady also had a stroke.

But the third lady, being older and more feeble, couldn't reach that far.

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunken robbery

 

A drunk had 14 shots of tequilla. After that he decides to go home.

2 minutes later the drunk runs back in the bar. He asks the bartender for the phone, and the drunken calls 911, "Is there a problem, sir," asks the operator. "Yes," replies the drunken,"someone broke into my car, they stole the stearing wheel, the brake pedal, the accelerator and even the dashboard."

Minute later police arrive on the scene.

The drunk goes up to the head officer and says, "never mind, I got into the backseat by mistake."

[worldangel]

Joke: Heroic act

 

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the hospital director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now is considered to be mentally stable. The director went to Edna and said, "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis by jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient. Your action displays soundness of the mind."

"The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. When can I go home?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Weird counting

 

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.

His curiosity peaks and he frantically searches for a hole in the fence so that he may see what is going on. Finally, he spots one a few feet ahead. The hole is low in the fence and he has to kneel down to peer inside.

He moves into position and peeks into the hole. As he looks in, someone inside pokes him in the eye! Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

[worldangel]

Joke: New rooster

 

A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, "OK, old fart, time to retire."

The old rooster replies, "Come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?"

The young rooster says, "Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over."

The old rooster says "I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop."

The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start."

The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.

The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by, one right behind the other. He grabs his shotgun and BOOM! -- he blows the young rooster to bits.

The farmer sadly shakes his head, "Damn...third gay rooster I've bought this month."

[worldangel]

Joke: Second opinion

 

"I'm afraid," said the heart surgeon, "that you're going to need a bypass operation."

The patient squirmed uneasily in the seat.

"I-I'd like a second opinion, if you don't mind."

"Not at all," replied the surgeon. "You're also ugly as sin."

[worldangel]

Joke: Pet lobsters

 

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license.

The fisherman says to the warden, "I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day."

The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without a license. The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "If you don't believe me then watch," as he throws the lobsters back into the water.
The warden says, "Now whistle to your lobsters and show me that they will come out of the water."

The fisherman turns to the warden and says, "What lobsters?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Considering cop

 

Two men are driving through London when they get pulled over by a cop.
The cop walks up and taps on the window with his stick.

The driver rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him in the head with the stick.
The driver asks, "What the hell was that for?".

The officer answers, "You're in London son. When we pull you over, you better have your license ready when we get to your car."
The driver says, "I'm sorry, Officer, I'm not from around here."

The officer does a check on the driver's license, and he's O.K..
He gives the man his license back, walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window and WHACK, the officer smacks him on the head with the stick. The passenger asks, "What'd you do that for?"

The officer says, "Just making your wish come true."
The passenger asks, "Making what wish come true?"

The officer says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say to your friend here, "I wish that asshole would've tried that sh*t with me!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Havaii

 

Two people are discussing whether the state of Hawaii is pronounced "Havaii" or "Hawaii". So they stood there arguing and arguing, until they decided to ask a person that was walking by. They asked the gentleman: "Excuse me sir, is Hawaii pronounced "Havaii" or "Hawaii"?

The gentleman said, "Havaii".

So they both looked at each other, and as the gentleman was leaving, one of the two said to him, "Thank you".

The gentleman replied and said: "You’re velcome"!

[worldangel]

Joke: Elderly proposal

 

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home park. He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a number of years.

Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity center. These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up his courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of 'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to their respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening past. As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me."

[worldangel]

Joke: The envelopes

 

The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words "open me first," and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.

He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: "These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third."

The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.

Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.

After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: "Blame me, your predecessor for every thing".

Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.

A few months later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, "Blame the government for everything".

It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.

A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes to the third envelope and it reads, "Prepare 4 new envelopes"

[worldangel]

Joke: Kayak accident

 

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door to find two grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my goodness!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 twenty-five pound king crabs and 6 good-size Dungeness crabs clinging to her."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

[worldangel]

Joke: Comeback

 

A doctor tells his old patient: "Mr. Johnes, the last check you gave me came back".

The patient answers: "Then we are even, Doc. So did my arthritis".

[worldangel]

Joke: Spitting in the drink

 

A guy goes into a bar.

 

He orders a beer, and after a while he needs to go to the toilet.

 

Because he is afraid someone will drink his beer, he puts a small note on it that says: "I spit in this beer, do not drink!".

 

After a few minutes he returns, and there is another note on the beer, saying "So did I!".

Edited December 2, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Sleeping pill

 

An exhausted looking blond dragged himself in to the doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighbourhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the blond answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the blond returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the market!"

"That may be true," answered the blond wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill"!

[worldangel]

Joke: Everybody drinks

 

A guy walks into a bar and shouts, "When I drink, everybody drinks!". Everybody is cheering him and applauding like crazy.

 

Feeling great, he finishes his beer, asks for another one and shouts, "When I drink again, everybody drinks again!". Once again, everybody is cheering him, he is the hero of the bar.

 

When he is done drinking, he pulls out his wallet and shouts, "When I pay, everybody pays!".

Edited December 3, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Without glasses

 

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap.

 

I carefully removed his glasses. "You know, honey," I said sweetly, "Without your glasses you look like the same handsome young man I married."

 

"Honey," he replied with a grin, "Without my glasses, you still look pretty good, too!"

Edited December 3, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: At gynaecologist

 

A woman goes to the gynaecologist for the first time and is awfully nervous.

 

When the doctor comes into the examining room, he notices immediately that she's very tense.

 

"Listen, dear. I know this must be scary for you. Do you want me to give you something to numb you down there?"

 

The girl doesn't say anything, but just nods her head yes. So the doctor removes her underwear, puts his mouth in her crotch. "Numb, numb, numb, numb, numb..."

[worldangel]

Joke: The hitch hiker

 

A man is driving his eighteen wheeler down the road, when he sees a hitch hiker.

 

So the trucker stops and picks up the man. While they are driving down the road, the trucker says "Hey man, you wanna see something pretty cool?"

 

The hitch hiker says sure. So the trucker has this monkey in the back, and he makes it come up with the men, and he smacks the monkey up side his head, and the monkey gives him a blow job.

 

So after that, the trucker says "Hey man, do you want some of that?"

 

And the hitch hiker says "Sure, but just don't smack me so hard."

[worldangel]

Joke: You will drink from the bottle today

 

George meets a genie in the street, which tells him to make a wish and it will make it true.

 

"I want to pee whiskey," he says. “But are you sure? You can ask for money, wealth, anything you want."

 

"No I want to pee whiskey." The genie thinks what can it do, it makes his wish true. George goes home, calls his wife, Sue: "Woman, get nuts and two glasses."

 

Curious she was, she brings them. "What do you want them? She asks him. Once we don’t have any drinks."

 

From now on, we will both have as much whiskey as we want, says to her. And really he fills the two glasses with whiskey.

 

They clink, drink one, drink two drinks, make some fun … and play a little game. The other night the same happen.

 

"Woman, bring two glasses and nuts." So they spend their evenings. One night, however, the scene changed.

 

"Woman, bring nuts and a cup." "A, for one?" "You will drink from the bottle today."

[worldangel]

Joke: Divorce

 

A couple wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of their child.

 

The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should be the one to keep the child.

 

So the jury asks the woman first. She says, "Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and apart of me."

 

The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question.

 

The man replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"

[worldangel]

Joke: New partner

 

A businessman called his lazy son into his office and announces some great news: "From now on, son, I'd like you to become a full-time partner in the company. Now, which part of the company would you like to be in charge of?".

 

"Well", said the son, "I hate the shipping room, I get a panic attack whenever I am inside the bookkeeping department, I can't get along with the people at sales"...

 

His father stopped him and said: "Well then, what WOULD you like the most, as a full-time partner"?

 

The son replied: "I guess the most of all, I'd like you to buy me out".

Edited December 3, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: When Viagra first came out ….

 

When Viagra first came out my wife and I decided to give it a go to see what all the fuss was about.

 

I popped the pill and waited the 15 minutes and then it was on for young and old.

 

We timed the performance to the minute and it all finally subsided at 3 hours and 17 minutes.

 

I asked the missus what she thought and she simply stated that she couldn't understand what all the hype was about for an extra 17 minutes...

[worldangel]

Joke: Honeymoon

 

One of the two adult female friends got married and went on honeymoon to Hawaii.

 

On return curious other girl asked her friend, “What sightseeing places did you go in Hawaii and what did you see?”

 

The honeymoon girl explained, “For seven days, I saw only the fan on the ceiling of the room and occasionally when turned around, I saw the bed sheet too.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Craving for chili

 

A man goes into a cafe and sits down. A waitress comes to take his order, and he asks her, "What's the special of the day?"

"Chili," she says, "but the gentleman next to you got the last bowl."

The man says he'll just have coffee, and the waitress goes to fetch it. As he waited, he noticed the man next to him was eating a full lunch and the bowl of chili remained uneaten.

"Are you going to eat your chili?" he asked.

"No, help yourself," replied his neighbour.

The man picked up a spoon and eagerly began devouring the chili. When he got halfway through the bowl, he noticed the body of a dead mouse in the bottom of the bowl. Sickened, he puked the chili he had just eaten back into the bowl.

The man sitting next to him says, "Yeah, that's as far as I got, too."

[worldangel]

Joke: A genuine problem

 

A guy visits his doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

“Doc, I think my dick is just too damn small," he says.

The doctor asks him which drink he prefers. Well, American beer,” he replies quite baffled. “Aaaahhh. There’s your problem, it shrinks things, those silly American beers… you should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow.”

A couple of months later the man returns to see the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him. “I take it you now drink Guinness?” asked the physician. “Oh no, Doc,” “but I have the wife drinking American beer!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Quintuplets

 

A team of doctors attended the delivery of quintuplets who were able to walk immediately after the umbilical cords were cut.

 

The senior doctor was asked to explain this unusual occurrence.

 

‘I guess they had a lot of practice,’ said the doctor.

 

‘What do you mean, “practice”?’ asked a junior colleague.

 

‘They were just born!’

 

The doctor replied, ‘Well, it was standing womb only.’

[worldangel]

Joke: Expiry date

 

Wife: "What are you doing?"

 

Husband : Nothing.

 

Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."

 

Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."

[worldangel]

Joke: Double-shot martini

 

A man enters the bar and orders a double martini.

 

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini.

 

After he finishes it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.

 

The bartender says, “Look, buddy, I’ll bring ya’ martinis all night long but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.”

 

The customer replies, “I’m peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it’s time to go home.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad accident

 

A man came to the hospital after a serious accident.

 

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

 

The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off."

Edited December 4, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A young minister

 

When I was a young minister, a funeral director asked me to hold a grave side service for a homeless man who was without family or friends.

The funeral was to be at a cemetery way out in the boonies.

This was a new cemetery and this man was the first to be laid to rest there.

I was not familiar with the area and became lost.

Being a typical man, of course, I did not ask for directions.

I finally found the cemetery about an hour late.

The back hoe was there and the crew was eating their lunch.

The hearse was nowhere to be seen.

I apologized to the workers for being late. As I looked into the open grave, I saw the vault lid already in place.

I told the workers I would not keep them long, but that this was the proper thing to do.

The workers, still eating their lunch, gathered around the opening.

When the service was over, I said a prayer and walked to my car. As I opened the door, I heard one of the workers say, "I never saw anything like that before and I've been putting in septic systems for twenty years."