Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Crime of thought

 

Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): "May I address the court?"
Judge: "Of course."

 

Defendant: "If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?"
Judge: "I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail."

 

Defendant: "What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?"
Judge: "I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking."

 

Defendant: "In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch."

Edited December 4, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Not fair

 

This farmer walks into the neighborhood pub, and orders a whiskey.

"Ye see that fence over there?" he says to the bartender. "Ah built it with me own two hands! Dug up the holes with me shovel, chopped doon the trees for the posts by me ownself, laid every last rail! But do they call me 'McGregor the Fence-Builder?' No..."

He gulps down the whiskey and orders another. "Ye see that pier on the loch?" He continues, "Ah built it me ownself, too. Swam oot into the loch to lay the foondations, laid doon every single board! But do they call me 'McGregor the Pier-Builder?' No."

"But ye fuck ONE sheep...."

[worldangel]

Joke: Crawling drunk

 

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face.

"Maybe all I need is some fresh air," thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud.

"Screw it," he thought. "I'll just crawl home."

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep.

"You went out drinking last night, didn't you?" she said.

"Uh, yes," he said sheepishly. "How did you know?"

"You left your wheelchair at the bar again."

[worldangel]

Joke: Model for me

 

At Frederick's of Hollywood a husband wants to buy his wife the sheerest lingerie he can find.

"This is $200," says the saleswoman, showing him an item. "I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." "Sheerer than that." "This is the sheerest we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" he replies.

The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me."

She goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take it back for a refund and he won't know the difference."

So she comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks. He looks at her a moment and says, "Well, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the thing."

[worldangel]

Joke: Lemon picking

 

The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed way too qualified for the job.

 

“Look Miss,” said the foreman, “have you any actual experience in picking lemons?”

“Well, as a matter of fact, yes!” she replied. “I’ve been divorced three times.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Hair dye

 

What do you call when a blonde dyes her hair?

Artificial intellegence.

[worldangel]

Joke: Three friends named Mad, Brain, and Fight

 

There are three friends named Mad, Brain, and Fight.

 

One day Fight went missing and his friends Mad and Brain started searching for him.

 

Then Brain said, "Mad, let's file a missing person report with the police." When they were about to walk into the police station, Brain said, "Mad, you go and make the report. I will wait for you here."

 

Mad said, "Okay." Mad walked in but no police officers paid attention to him. Then he saw a policeman drinking a cup of coffee.

 

Mad went to the officer, smacked the table, and the cup of coffee flew in the air, landing in the officer's lap. Angry, the policeman asked, "Are you looking for a fight?"

 

Mad replied, "Yes, I am." The policeman asked, "Are you mad?" Mad replied, "Yes, I am Mad."

 

The policeman then asked, "Don't you have a brain?" Mad replied, "Brain is outside sir."

[worldangel]

Joke: I’d rather have a job

 

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter.

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well ... you started it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Childish fun

 

Little Johnny is standing in the back yard with a hand full of M&M's and the cat by the tail in the other.

His mom notices and watches him. He pops a couple M&M's, takes a bit out of the cats tail, and hops a couple of steps.

Then he does it again pops a couple M&M’s, takes a bit out of the cats tail, and hops a couple steps.

Finally his mom comes out and says "Johnny what are you doing?" and he says, "I’m being a trucker mom. Popping some pills eaten some pussy and moving along."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blondes in England

 

Q. Why was the blonde dissapointed with her trip to London?

A. Because she found out that "Big Ben" was just a clock.

[worldangel]

Joke: A random flasher

 

There were these three little old ladies sitting on a park bench minding their own business when suddenly a flasher jumped in front of them and exposed himself...the first old lady had a stroke...the second old lady had a stroke...but sadly the third old lady couldn't reach!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Utility wife

 

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

"Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.” And, gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor. "I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk."

[worldangel]

Joke: Returned unopened

 

In a tiny village lived an old maid. In spite of her old age, she was still a virgin.

 

She was very proud of it. She knew her last days were getting closer, so she told the local undertaker that she wanted the following inscription on her tombstone: "Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin."

 

Not long after, the old maid died peacefully, and the undertaker told his men what the lady had said. The men went to carve it in, but the lazy no-goods they were, they thought the inscription to be unnecessarily long.

 

They simply wrote: "Returned unopened."

[worldangel]

Joke: Medical test

 

An old man goes to the doctor for some tests.

 

When he gets the results, the doctor tells him that he has bad news.

 

The old man says, "Just give it to me straight, doc."

 

The doctor says, "Well, you have cancer, and you have Alzheimer's."

 

 

The old man says, "I guess it could be worse. I could have cancer."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three men

 

Three men were at a bar discussing coincidences.

 

The first man said, "My wife was reading A Tale of Two Cities and she gave birth to twins."

 

"That’s funny," the second man remarked, "My wife was reading The Three Musketeers and she gave birth to triplets."

 

The third man shouted, "Oh my, I have to rush home!"

 

When asked what the problem was, he exclaimed, "When I left the house, my wife was reading Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves!"

[worldangel]

Joke: I thought I was crippled

 

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.

 

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk."

 

The wasted man asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go."

 

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."

[worldangel]

Joke: Automatic Tampon Remover = ATR

 

A guy walks into a bathroom, sits down, and notices three buttons in front of him marked, WW, WA, and ATR.

 

Curiosity gets the better of him so he decides to press WW. Suddenly, warm water sprays up his rear. “Mmmm,” he says to himself. “That was good.”

 

So he presses WA and a jet of warm air dries his backside. “Mmmm. Nice!”

 

So finally he can’t resist pressing the ATR button.

 

The next thing he knows, he is waking up in a hospital ward just as the nurse is entering the room.

 

“Nurse, Nurse! Where am I? What happened?” The nurse replies, “You must have missed the sign to not press the ATR button.”

 

“What does ATR mean exactly?” says the guy. “Automatic Tampon Remover. Your testicles are under your pillow.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Naming of children

 

A child goes to his father and asks, "Father, how do parents think of names for their children?"

 

The father answers, "Well, son, the night before the mother gives birth, the father goes into the woods and camps for the night. When he wakes the following morning, the first thing he sees is what he names his child, which is why your sister is named Soaring Eagle. Why do you ask, Bear Poop?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: On vacation

 

An Amish husband, wife and son travel to the city on vacation.

 

They visit a shopping mall and while the mother is shopping, the father and son are standing in awe in front of an elevator (having no idea what it is).

 

As they watch, an elderly lady walks into the strange silver doors and the doors close.

 

The father and son watch as the numbers go up, and then back down.

 

When the doors open, a beautiful young woman walks out.

 

The father leans over and whispers to the son, "Son, go get your mother!"

[worldangel]

Joke: An elderly woman

 

An elderly woman went to her local doctor's office and asked to speak with her doctor.

 

When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, I'd like to have some birth control pills.

 

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you're 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?" The woman replied, "They help me sleep better."

 

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?"

 

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice, and I An elderly woman went to her local doctor's office and asked to speak with her doctor. When the receptionist asked why she was there, she replied, I'd like to have some birth control pills.

 

Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Glenwood, but you're 80 years old. What would you possibly need birth control pills for?" The woman replied, "They help me sleep better."

 

The doctor considered this for a second, and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you sleep?"

 

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice, and I sleep better at night." sleep better at night."

[worldangel]

Joke: Toy plane

 

A little boy gets a toy plane. The boy loves his plane. He flies it all over the house.

 

One day, the boy is in the living room with his plane while his mom is in the kitchen washing dishes. She listens to the boy playing and hears him say, "Vroom, vroom, vroom. All you mother fucking people want to get on, get on. All you mother fucking people want to get off, get off."

 

Angry, his mom rushes into the living room, takes the plane away, and sends him into his room. After 15 minutes, she starts to feel bad and tells the boy, "If you don't use that kind of language, you can play with your plane."

 

The boy returns to the living room, his mom to the kitchen. She listens again to the boy playing, she hears him say, "Vroom, vroom, vroom. All you very nice people want to get on, get on. All you very nice people want to get off, get off. If you have a problem with 15 minute delay, you can go talk to the bitch in the kitchen!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Do you sell grapes?

 

One day a duck walks in a store and ask the manager if they sell grapes.

 

The manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes." The duck goes home and comes back the next day and asks the same question.

 

The manager says the same thing again, "No, we do not sell grapes."

 

The duck goes home, comes back the next day, and asks the manager if they sell grapes.

 

This time the manager says, "No, we don't sell grapes! If you ask one more time, I will nail your beak to the floor!"

 

The duck goes home. It comes back the next day and asks the manager if he has any nails.

 

The manager says, "No, I don't have any nails."

 

The duck says, "Okay, good. Do you sell grapes?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The two guys

 

Two guys are driving down 5th Avenue in Manhattan when they come up to a red light. The guy driving slams the gas pedal and they go zooming past the red light. His friend looks at him and says, "Hey, you just went through a red light."

 

The guy driving says, "Don't worry about it. My brother does it all the time." So they keep driving and they come to a second red light. The guy driving slams on the gas pedal and zooms past another red light. His friend is pretty mad, looks at him and says, "Hey man, you just went through another red light. What the heck are you doing?"

 

The guy driving tells his friend, "Don't worry about it. My brother does this all the time." They come to a third red light and the guy driving slams on the gas, zooming past the red light. His friend starts screaming at him, "What the heck? You're going to get us killed! Pull over and let me out." The guy driving screams back at him, "I'm telling you: don't worry about it. My brother, he does it all the time."

 

So they keep driving and they come to a green light. The guy driving slams on the brakes. His friend looks at him and says, "Are you out of your mind? What the heck is wrong with you? You go flying past three red lights, almost getting us killed, and then you slam on the brakes when you have a green light?"

 

The guy driving looks at his friend and says, "I had to stop; my brother might have been coming."

[worldangel]

Joke: He grabbed my backpack

 

There were five people aboard an airplane having engine trouble getting ready to crash, however, there were only four parachutes. Everyone wondered what should be done to determine who should get the parachutes.

 

One person said that he was the smartest thing that hit the face of the Earth, and that he was too smart to die. So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. The second person said that she was too important to die, she had children and a family to take care of, and they depended on her to care for them. So, she took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft.

 

The third person said that he was too important to die because his family depended on him for survival. He was the head of household and the sole bread winner. So, he took one of the parachutes and jumped out of the aircraft. Finally, there were only two people left, and one parachute. One person was a 12 year old boy, and the other was a 65 year old man.

 

The old man said, "Well son, I have lived a good life, and you are too young to die, you have a long life ahead of you. So, you take the last parachute. The boy asked, "Why, Sir?" The old man said, "Well, there is only one parachute left."

 

The little lad said, "Sir there are really two parachutes left." The old gentlemen asked, excitedly, "Yeah? How?" "Well," replied the boy, "you know that guy who thought he was the smartest and greatest thing that hit the face of the Earth? He grabbed my backpack."

[worldangel]

Joke: Girl’s night out

 

Two women friends had gone out for a girls night out, and had been overenthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they suddenly realized they both needed to pee.

 

They were very close to a graveyard, and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

 

The first woman had nothing to wipe with, so she took off her panties, used them, and threw them away. Her friend however, was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

 

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the other husband and says, "These girls' nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other.

 

"Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, "From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Walking in the woods

 

One day a man was walking in the woods when he got lost. For two days he roamed around trying to find a way out. He had not eaten anything during this period and was famished.

 

Over on a rock ledge he spotted a bald eagle. He killed it, and started to eat it. Surprisingly, a couple of park rangers happen to find him at that moment, and arrested him for killing an endangered species.

 

In court, he pleads innocent to the charges against him, claiming that if he didn't eat the bald eagle he would have died from starvation.

 

The judge ruled in his favor. In the judge's closing statement he asked the man, "I would like you to tell me something before I let you go. I have never eaten a bald eagle, nor ever plan on it, but what did it taste like?"

 

The man answered, "Well, it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl!"

[worldangel]

Joke: On a windy day …….

 

On a windy day, an old lady is standing on a street corner, holding on to her hat with both hands, even though her dress is flying up over her face.

 

An old man across the street sees her and runs over.

 

As he approaches her, he says, "Sister, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, standing over here in all this wind with your dress flying over your head, exposing your paraphernalia, and you're holding that damn hat with both hands. You ought to be ashamed."

 

She looked at him and said, "Look here, fool, everything down there is 80 years old, but this hat is brand new."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two salesmen

 

Two salesmen were going door to door, and knocked on the door of a woman who was not happy to see them.

 

She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their offer and slammed the door in their faces.

 

To her surprise, however, the door did not close and, in fact, bounced back open. She tried again, really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with the same result - the door bounced back open.

 

Convinced these rude salesmen were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of the men said: "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

[worldangel]

Joke: Six weeks to live

 

A guy goes to see his doctor, and the doctor says, "Well, I'm afraid you have six weeks to live."

 

The guy says, "Oh damn, well what should I do doctor?"

 

The doctor tells him, "You should take a mud bath once a day for the next six weeks," and the guy asks, "Why? Is that supposed to help?" and the doctor says, "No, but it'll get you used to being in the ground."

[worldangel]

Joke: Hide and seek

 

A husband returned earlier from a business trip and he wanted to surprise his wife. The wife was, of course, in the bed with the neighbour - Peter.

 

As she heard her husband coming home she told Peter to hide in the wardrobe. She lied down on the floor, pretending she had a heart attack.

 

Her husband came in and saw his wife on the floor. He was very alarmed!

 

At that moment his little kid came in saying: “Daddy, daddy! Peter is hiding in the wardrobe!”

 

The man went to the wardrobe and shouted: “You nerd! Instead helping me with my sick wife, you're playing hide-and-seek with the kid!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Air sick

 

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him. The huge man glares threateningly at his neighbor, crowds the little guy so much that he's flattened against the window, and immediately falls asleep.

After the plane takes off, the little guy starts to feel a little air sick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. After a few attempts, he realizes that he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes over the little fellow. He just can't hold it in any longer and finally pukes all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," the little guy says brightly, "are you feeling better now?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three ladies

 

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away or start making a sandwich."

 

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

 

The third one responded, " Well ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad addiction

 

A man went to his doctor, seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy.

"When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it, and stick it completely up your butt. Then remove it, rewrap it, and place it back with all the others, in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious, you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."

"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.

"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!" answered the doctor.

"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," replied the patient.

"What is that supposed to mean?" demanded the doctor.

"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my butt."

[worldangel]

Joke: Blind man's property

 

Two young men sneak on to a blind man's property in order to steal something of value. The blind man hears them and goes to the door with his shot gun.

 

The two young men, seeing the blind man, stand motionless. The blind calls out, "Marco!". Silence.

 

He tries once more, "Marco!" More silence. One more time, "Marco!" One of the young men, tired of the game, yells out, "We aren't going to fall for that..." *BANG!

[worldangel]

Joke: Ten dollar bill

 

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

 

The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

 

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollar bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

 

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

 

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

[worldangel]

Joke: 95 year old uncle

 

"My whole family is shocked and surprised with the death of my uncle", says a man to his friend.

"Oh, that's terrible. Tell me, how old was he?", asks the friend.

"He was 95 years old", answers the man.

"Actually, that's kind of old", claims the friend, "Why are you so surprised?".

"Because his parachute didn't open".

[worldangel]

Joke: An old woman

 

An old woman is sitting in a rocking chair on her porch, petting her cat Foo Foo.

 

A fairy appears and says, "I'm here to grant you three wishes."

 

The old woman says, "I wish I was twenty years old and beautiful again."

 

Poof! She is. "Now I wish I had a million dollars and this old house was a mansion."

 

Poof! Done. "And now I wish that Foo Foo was the handsomest man ever and deeply in love with me."

 

Poof! Suddenly she's in the arms of a gorgeous man. He kisses her and says, "Darling, aren't you sorry you had me fixed?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Standing at a urinal

 

A man is standing at a urinal when he notices that he's being watched by a midget. The midget drags a small stepladder over, and climbs up to admire the man's private parts close up.

 

"Wow," comments the midget, "those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"

 

Freaked out, but flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.

 

"I know this is a strange request," says the little guy, "but would you mind if I touched them?"

 

Again, the man is taken aback, but seeing no real harm in it, consents.

 

The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says loudly, "Okay, hand over your wallet or I'll jump."

[worldangel]

Joke: Morning routine

 

Q: Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?

A. Women don't have balls to scratch.

 

 

Joke: Billy

 

Teacher: Billy, name two pronouns.

Sam: Who, me?

Teacher: Very good!

Edited December 6, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Let’s play a game

 

One day little Johnny went to school. His teacher said they were going to play a game.

She would place an object behind her and describe it.

The first person to get it got a piece of candy. First she said, "The object is red and grows on trees."

A kid raised his hand and said "an apple" the teacher said correct.

Then she said, "The object is flat and comes in different colors” a different kid raises his hand and said it is a notebook! The teacher said correct.

Then Johnny said, "ooh! ooh! Can I try?" The teacher said yes. ∑He stood up and put his hand in his pocket.

He said "The object is round, hard, and has a head on it." The teacher said "JOHNNY! GO TO THE OFFICE!!" Johnny said, "No it's a quarter!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Work courtesy

 

1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.

2. If it's really a 'rush job,' run in and interrupt me every ten minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the priority. Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late. I like the office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could cost me a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversation.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate.

[worldangel]

Joke: On trial

 

A man is in court on trial. The judge says, "On the 3rd August, you were accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

 

"Guilty", said the man in the dock. Another man at the back of the courtroom stands up and shouts, "You dirty rat!"

 

The judge asks the man to sit down and to refrain from making any noise. The judge then continues, "...and also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"

 

"Guilty," says the man in the dock. Again the same man at the back stands up and shouts even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat!"

 

At this point the Judge calls the loud man to the bench and says, "I have already asked you to be quiet. If you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship do you have with this man?"

 

He replies, "He is my next door neighbor." The judge replies, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments."

 

The man replied "No, your honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have one!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Touchdown

 

An apartment building is on fire. Firefighters are on the scene, however both their ladder and life net are broken.

 

A star quarterback sees the commotion and asks, "What's happening? Can I help?"

 

The fire chief says, "There's a mother and baby stuck in the building on the 19th floor! The mother is up there in the window. Can you catch her child?"

 

The mother frantically waves down to the men below and the football player shouts up to her, "Go ahead, I'm ready!"

 

He holds his arms out and the women drops the infant. Just when the quarterback deftly catches the child, he spikes it to the ground yelling, "TOUCHDOWN!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The dracula

 

On top of a hill area, there are three draculas bragging about their powers to each other.

 

The first one, points at a large house in the village underneath them, and quickly fly towards it. In about five minutes, he's back with a hint of blood dripping from his lip. Proudly, he says that all the humans living in that house died from his attack.

 

The second dracula laughs as he's pointing to a small village area. After that, the second dracula jumps and flies in a quicker manner than the first one, in not more than a minute, he's already back with his mouth covered in blood. He says that all the people in the village that he pointed at died from his quick and brutal attack.

 

The first dracula felt beaten, while the third one didn't say anything, but he gave one cold stare to a direction with small city lights at the end of it. Without any word, he flashed into that direction, and in more of a shock, he's back in around five seconds of time with face all covered in blood.

 

Both previous draculas are surprised, and asked him if had he slaughtered the people in that small city.

 

The third dracula shouts, "Did you two see that electrical pole in front of us?" they replied, "Of course we did, why?" still shouting, the third dracula says, "Goddammit, I didn't!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Thinking of becoming a sailor?

 

A young boy was walking along the docks one day admiring the ships, when a man walked up behind him and said, “Thinking of becoming a sailor?” “Yes, I am!” replied the boy.

 

“Well,” the man said, “I have sailed many years and have had many adventures.” The boy looked the man up and down, and saw that he had an eye patch, a peg leg, and a hook. “I would love to hear of your adventures,” said the boy.

 

“Well,” the man said, “I was sailing around the Cape of Good Hope when I encountered pirates. They boarded my boat and I fought them 'til there was only one left. But before he got away he cut off my leg!”

 

“That sounds terrible!” exclaimed the boy. “Aye lad, it was, but I got over it and continued sailing the seas.” “How did you get the hook?” inquired the boy.

 

“I was once again sailing around the Cape of Good Hope on my way home when I encountered the same pirate with a whole new crew.

 

They boarded me again and I fought down to the last man, only this time as he got away, he cut of my hand!” “That is awful!” the boy once again exclaimed. “Aye lad, but again I got over it and continued sailing the seas.”

 

“Tell me how you got the eye patch! Was it the pirates again?” “No lad, this time I was just out finishing one day, I heard the cry of a gull, and when I looked up it sh*t in me eye!”

 

“Pardon me sir, but I didn’t know you could lose an eye from gull sh*t.” “Well lad, 'twas the first day with the hook!!!”

[worldangel]

Joke: A magician was working on a cruise ship

 

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick. 

 

Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?

 

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another.

 

After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat?

Edited December 7, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A man was walking down the beach

 

A man was walking down the beach when he noticed a cave. He walked in and looked around only to discover a magic lamp buried in the sand.

 

He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "You may have 3 wishes but whatever u wish for all the lawyers in the world will get double." The man agreed and said, "I want a million dollars." He got that and the lawyers got 2 million.

Next he said, "I want a Ferrari." So he got one and all the lawyers got 2. Next, being his last wish, he took a minute and thought about it carefully.

Finally he said," Well I've always wanted to give a kidney."
 

Edited December 7, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: An old man was sitting on a bench

 

An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him.

 

The boy's hair was bright yellow and green with orange tips, and he had blue makeup around his eyes. The old man kept looking at him. The boy said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?" 

 

The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have. I got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

 

Edited December 7, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The date

 

A man drives his date up to lovers lane and parks. "I have to be honest with you" the woman says as the guy makes his move ."I`m a hooker". 

 

The man thinks about this for a bit and decides he`s ok with it. He agrees to pay her $25 and they go at it.

After they finish, the guy says, "Now I should be honest too. I`m a cab driver and its going to cost you $25 to get back to town".

 

Edited December 7, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Big people word

 

A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. 

 

"You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." 

 

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." 

 

She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Bobby what he had done. "I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."

 

Edited December 7, 2015 by worldangel