Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Anatomy

 

A new bride went to her doctor for a check-up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging between my husband’s legs?"

The doctor replies "We call that the penis." The new bride then asks "What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of the penis?"

The doctor replies "We call that the head of the penis. The bride then asks "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?"

The doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ass!"

[FirsTimer]

Be happy is to have sex with anyone that counts. Make sure god is fair by discussing and acting out on behalf.

[worldangel]

Joke: How did you know?

 

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of dogs. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy puppies and two girl puppies.

“How did you know?” his mother asked.

“Daddy picked them up and looked underneath,” he replied. “I think it’s printed on the bottom.”

[worldangel]

Joke: What’s the difference?

 

What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead country singer in the road?

Skid marks in front of the snake.

[worldangel]

Joke: A strong smell

 

Passing through the hospital corridors, a doctor noticed a strong smell of marijuana.

He asked one of the nurses on duty about the odor.

 

“The good thing,” the nurse said, “is that down that hall everybody’s glaucoma has cleared up. The bad thing is that now everyone wants a Twinkie!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Wine tasting

 

A drunk sitting at a bar observes a very snobby woman participating in a wine tasting contest.

She was very good at identifying the wine.

At the first taste she says; "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1998" and all the people were amazed.

At the 2nd try she answers "Cabernet Sauvignon, 1953" and they were once again amazed.

Then the drunk pisses in a glass and hands it to her.

She tries it and says "Yak, this tastes like piss!" and the drunk says, "Yeah, but what year was I born?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Political stance

 

The government today announced that it is changing its national symbol to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance.

A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed. Damn, it just doesn’t get more accurate than that!

[worldangel]

Joke: Waiting to go home

 

A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in. “Damn,  he says. “I puked on my shirt again.  If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me”

“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket. “Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him. She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties” she asks.

The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Cold hands

 

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. After bringing in all the luggage, the guy says, "Honey, my hands are freezing!"

She says "Well put them between my legs and I will warm them up."

Later he goes out to catch a few fish for lunch and comes back and says again, "Man! My hands are really freezing!"

She says again, "Well put them between my legs and I'll warm them up." He does, and again that warms him up.

After dinner, he goes out to chop wood for the night. When he returns, he again says, "Honey, my hands are really freezing!"

She (smiles) and says, "Darn Honey, don't your EARS ever get cold?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The shoe

 

One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife.

 

Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.

They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, "Honey, have you seen my other shoe?"

Edited December 12, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Smell of a brothel

 

One afternoon, a Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barber shop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves and both of their barbers were reaching for some aftershave to slap on their faces.

The Admiral shouted, "Hey, don't put that crap on me. My wife will think I've been in a brothel!"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a brothel smells like."

[worldangel]

Joke: Breakfast argument

 

A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast.

"You aren't so good in bed either!", he shouted and stormed off to work.

By mid-morning, he decided he'd better make amends and called home. "What took you so long to answer?"

"I was in bed." "What were you doing in bed this late?" "Getting a second opinion."

[worldangel]

Joke: Out of gas

 

A boy takes a girl out on a first date. He drives them to a remote and romantic spot outside the city, puts his arms around her and says: "what do you know, wer’re out of gas".

 

The girl then opens a purse and puts out a bottle.

 

"Cool, is this wine?" the boy asks.

 

"No", she answers, "It's gasoline".

Edited December 12, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Pray before eating

 

Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Logan received his plate, he started eating right away. 

 

"Logan, wait until we say our prayer," his mother reminded him. 

"I don't have to," the little boy replied. 

 

"Of course you do," his mother insisted, "we say a prayer before eating at our house."

"That's at our house," Logan explained, "but this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook."

Edited December 12, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Consoling friend

 

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife in bed with another man.

 

"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."

 

"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"

 

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

Edited December 12, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Stolen car

 

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car. 

 

"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.

 

However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake."

 

Edited December 12, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Not speaking

 

Following an especially angry argument, Mr. and Mrs. Smith went to bed not speaking to each other. Needing to arise early the following morning, Mr. Smith left a note on his wife's bedside table that said "Wake me at six."

An exasperated Mr. Smith awoke at ten the following morning and rolled stiffly out of bed to see a note on his bedside table: "It's six, you bum! Get out of bed!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Guy was staying in a fancy hotel

 

A Guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him quite bluntly to get out.

 

When asked for the reason, the manager said, "Because you peed in the pool."

"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."

"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: T-Day

 

A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husbands constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.

While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimise the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."

On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.

Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, "Baby, I didn't' realise that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry.

I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.

1. TUESDAY

2. THURSDAY

3. TODAY

4. TOMORROW

P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still TODAY, I am waiting for you upstairs."

[worldangel]

Joke: Reincarnation

 

Bryan came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.

He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. "Who the hell are you?" Demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter".

Brian was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away".

St Peter replied "Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.

The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen,how are you enjoying your first day here?"
"It's not so bad" replies Brian, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode".
"You're ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before".

"Never" replies Brian

"Well just relax and let it happen"

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him... ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Brian, wake up you drunken bas*ard, you're sh*tting the bed"

[worldangel]

Joke: Hypnosis

 

I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone." "No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?" His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist.

 

He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, 'I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked! The headaches are all gone." The husband replies, "Well, that's wonderful."

 

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

 

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife, and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."

 

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed, and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "Wow! That was wonderful!" The husband says, "Don't move! I'll be right back." He returns to the bathroom and then goes back to the bedroom, and round two is even better than the first time.

 

The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back into the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing in front of the mirror, saying, "She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife."

[worldangel]

Joke: Looking for revenge

 

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was my cousin and you've got two choices ... Either I maul you to death or we have sex."

After considering briefly, Frank decided to accede to the latter alternative. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge.

He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and shot it. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally recovered. Outraged, he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit it, Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Snails

 

A couple was celebrating their 25th anniversary at their house.

 

Suddenly the husband asks his wife: "dear, I love you so much, and to honor our special day I want to give you whatever you want. just name it".

 

The wife thinks a little bit and then says: "Well, actually I do have this sudden urge for some snails..."

 

So the husband leaves for this local delicacy and buys a lot of snails.

On the way back he sees this gorgeous blond, who invites him to her house. He follows her and they have sex for hours. Suddenly he sees this backet of snails waiting to him near the entrance and remembers that his wife is still waiting.

 

He starts running like crazy carrying the bocket in his arm. seconds before his angry wife opens the door he hears her nervous steps and drops the bocket, so that all the snails are scattered around the floor.

 

When his wife opens the door and sees him with all the snails, he says: "Come on boys, just a few more steps, you can make it..."

Edited December 13, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Horse Tears

A fellow walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"

The fellow replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and well... I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do.

"Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.

"What's the matter now?"

The bartender asks.

The fellow, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"

The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."

The fellow stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves. A few months later the fellow is back in the bar. The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state. Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and... it... it... grew back!"

The bartenter, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller that the other one!" The fellow can not believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.

The next day the fellow comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.

"It worked, it worked!" he exclaims.

"I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"


 

[worldangel]

Joke: Experimental pills

 

A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex. 

 

He gives her a pill but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that. 

 

About a week later she's back at the doctor and tells him, "The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said. 

 

It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table." 

 

The doctor says, "Oh dear -- I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill 
was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

The lady replied, "That's very kind - but I don't think the restaurant will let us back in anyway."

 

Edited December 13, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Two hikers

 

Two hikers were walking through central Pennsylvania when they came upon a 6 foot wide hole in the ground. They figured it must be the opening for a vertical air shaft from an old abandoned coal mine.

 

Curious as to the depth of the hole, the first hiker picked up a nearby rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and heard nothing. 

 

The second hiker picked up an even larger rock and tossed it into the opening. They listened... and still heard nothing. Then they both picked up an old railroad tie, dragged it to the edge of the shaft, and hurled it down.

 

Seconds later a dog came running up between the two men and jumped straight into the hole. Bewildered, the two men just looked at each other, trying to figure out why a dog would do such a thing. 

 

Soon a young boy ambled onto the scene and asked if either man had seen a dog around here. The hikers told him about the dog that had just jumped into the hole. 

The young boy laughed and said, "That couldn't be my dog. My dog was tied to a railroad tie!"

 

Edited December 13, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The dentist

 

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady's teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves...
"Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?" She said, "No?"

"Well", he spoofed, "down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big 'Finished Goods Crate' and start the process all over again."

And she didn't laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, "I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two prisoners

 

Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:

George: 'I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years'

Herman: 'Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days'

George: 'WHAT!? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days!?'

Herman: 'Yeah, it was a lawyer.'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Six feet

 

Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh, my goodness, your husband is home! What am I going to do?" 

 

"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he ain't gonna notice you here with me."

 

The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice. Sure enough, Marge's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet. 

 

"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!" 

"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again." 

 

Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!" 
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again." 

The husband got out of bed, and counted. "One, two, three, four... By gosh, you're right, dear!"

 

Edited December 13, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The umbrella

 

A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" 

 

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun.

 

When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?" 

 

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver." 

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

Edited December 13, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A wife woke in the middle of the night

 

A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house.

 

She heard sobbing from the basement. After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up in the corner, of the basement,... crying like a baby.

 

"Honey, what's wrong?", she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant and your father threatened me to either marry you or to go to jail?" 

 

"Yes, of course," she replied. 

"Well, I would have been released from jail this afternoon!"

Edited December 13, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Picky cannibals

 

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.

The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."

"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son.

"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother.

[worldangel]

Joke: Lurid past

 

After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.

"C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby," he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit".

Kim promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13.."

[worldangel]

Joke: While the bar patron savored a double martini

 

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting a divorce

 

My friend asked me, "Why are you getting a divorce?"

 

I responded, "My wife wasn't home the entire night and in the morning she said she spent the night at her sister's house."

 

He said, "So?"

 

And I responded, "She's lying. I spent the night at her sister's house!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A genie

 

A man was sitting alone in his office one night when a genie popped up out of his ashtray.
"And what will your third wish be?"

 

The man looked at the genie and said, "Huh? How can I be getting a third wish when I haven't had a first or second wish yet?"

 

"You have had two wishes already," the genie said, "but your second wish was for me to put everything back the way it was before you made your first wish. Thus, you remember nothing, because everything is the way it was before you made any wishes. You now have one wish left."

 

"Okay," said the man, "I don't believe this, but what the heck. I've always wanted to understand women. I'd love to know what's going on inside their heads."

 

"Funny," said the genie as it granted his wish and disappeared forever, "That was your first wish, too!"

 

Edited December 14, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A department store

 

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" 

 

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. 

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him. 

 

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" 

And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off. 

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?" 

 

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!" 

Edited December 14, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Boy scouts

 

Boy Scouts from the city were on a camping trip. The mosquitoes were so fierce, the boys had to hide under their blankets to avoid being bitten.

 

Then one of them saw some lightning bugs and said to his friend,"We might as well give up. They are coming after us with flashlights."

 

Edited December 14, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Wrongly put

 

Two guys are drinking at a bar.

The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?".

The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh'.

The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'.

[worldangel]

Joke: Cuckoo clock

 

A Man comes back home at 3am, drunk as a skunk. He hears the cuckoo clock cuckoo three times. Quickly coming up with a plan, he cuckooes nine more times, hoping his wife would think it was midnight. He is very proud of himself.

The next day, his wife asks what time he got home, and he replies, "Midnight, just like I said."

She says that was good, but that they need a new cuckoo clock. When the man asks why, she answers: "Last night when it cuckooed midnight, it cuckooed three times, said 'Shit!,' cuckooed four more times, farted, cuckooed three times, cleared its throat, cuckooed two more times and then started giggling."

[worldangel]

Joke: Smart cat

 

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Secret box

 

Bob and Jane were married 25 years. When they first got married Bob said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 25 years of marriage Jane never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 25th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1371.75 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Jane could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

Bob thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Jane was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Jane asked Bob, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" Bob answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."

 

 

Edited December 14, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Taking cab

 

A woman and her son were taking a cab in New York City. It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the awnings.

 

"Mommy," said the little boy, "what are all those ladies doing?"
"They're waiting for their husbands to get off of work," she replied.

 

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers. They have sex with men for money."

 

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mommy?" His mother, glaring at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mommy what happens to the babies those ladies have?"

 

"They mostly become cab drivers," she replied.

 

Edited December 14, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Caught in the act

 

A wife comes home after a shopping trip, and she's horrified to see her husband in bed with a young woman.

She's about to storm out of the house, and the husband says "But I can explain, dear. As I was driving home I saw this poor and tired-looking creature standing by the road, so I offered her a ride.

 

She said she was hungry, so I brought her to our home and fed her some of your leftover pot roast. Her shoes were completely worn out, so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't wear because they're out of style.

 

She was cold, so I gave her your new birthday sweater you never wear because you say the colour doesn't suit you. Her slacks were tattered, so I gave her a pair of yours that don't fit you anymore.

Then, just as she was about to leave our house, she stopped and asked me, 'Is there anything else your wife no longer uses?'

[worldangel]

Joke: Cow auction

 

This couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the auctioning off of bulls. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year."

 

The wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, "See! That was more than 5 times a month!"

 

The second bull is to be sold, "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."

 

Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 5 times a month. What do you say to that?" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.

 

The third bull is up for sale, "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"

 

The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about you?"

 

The husband was pretty irritated by now and yells back, "Sure, once a day! Great! But, you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!"

Edited December 14, 2015 by worldangel

[FirsTimer]

Being happy is easy it's one of three emotions you are on each day

[worldangel]

Joke: Great toast

 

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life between the legs of me wife!" That won him the top prize for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best toast of the night." She said, "Aye, John, what was your toast?" John Said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life sitting in church beside me wife." "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John," Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize, the other night, with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye and I was a bit surprised myself! You know, he's only been there twice. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come".

[worldangel]

Joke: Oh my goodness

 

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini -
"I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.
"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.

"NO! Get away from me!"
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, "I said NO!"

"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he claimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough...and $500 IS a lot of money....
"Well, OK...but only for a minute."

She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOODNESS...OH MY GOOODNESS..OH MY GOODNESS..." while he was caressing them.

Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my goodness, oh my goodness'?"

While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOODNESS...OH MY GOODNESS...OH MY GOODNESS...
OH MY GOODNESS, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?

[worldangel]

Joke: Impossible story

 

Stanley, an 80-year-old man is having his annual check-up. The doctor asks him how he's feeling.

"I've never been better," he replies. "I've got a twenty-two-year-old bride who's pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him? He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle...

*BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief, "Someone else must have shot that beaver."

[worldangel]

Joke: Road to success

 

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.

No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."

On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.

On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.

"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"