Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Doing house work

 

Jenny's husband, Charley, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both

worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work!

 

But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something's up.

It turns out that Charley had read an article that said wives who workedfull-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex.

The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it.

"We had a great dinner. Charley even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening."

"But what about afterward?" asked her friends.

"Oh, that was perfect too. Charley was too tired!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Drinking for 10 years

 

This couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. "Elliot," she said, pointing "do you see that man downing bourbon at the bar?"

 

The husband looked over and nodded.

"Well," the woman continued, "he's been drinking like that for 10 years, ever since I jilted him!"

The husband returned to his meal. "Nonsense," he said, "even that's not worth so much celebrating!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The expert

 

An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution.

"You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home."

"Why?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years," the expert explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her, 'Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner. Now I do it in ten..."

[worldangel]

Joke: A proposal

 

After Brian proposed to Jill, his father took him to one side. “Son, when I first got married to your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my pants. I gave them to your mother and told her to try them on, which she did.

 

They were huge on her and she said that she couldn’t wear them because they were too large. I said to her, 'Of course they are too big for you, I wear the pants in this family and I always will.' Ever since that day, son, we have never had a single problem."

 

Brian took his dad’s advice and did the same thing to his wife on his wedding night. Then, Jill took off her panties and gave them to Brian. “Try these on,” she said. Brian went along with it and tried them on, but they were far too small. “What’s the point of this? I can’t get into your panties,” said Brian.

 

“Exactly,” Jill replied, “and if you don’t change your attitude, you never will!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wedding deal

 

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the vicar with an unusual offer. "Look, I’ll give you? 100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out." He passed the clergyman the cash and walked away satisfied.

It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the vicar looks the young man in the eye and says:

"Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before the Heaven and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

 

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes."

The groom leaned toward the vicar and hissed, "I thought we had a deal."

The vicar put the? 100 into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

Edited December 15, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Vibrator husband

 

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom.

She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" asked the mom.

"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband."

The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.

His daughter replied, "I already told mom, I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."

The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.

The next day the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game.

"For Goodnessakes, what are you doing?" she cried.

The husband replied "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A shy patient

 

A very well endowed young lady went to the doctor for her annual check up. The doctor told her to remove her clothes and get up on the examining table.

Shyly, she said to him, "Oh doctor, I just couldn't undress in front of you."

"Ok. I'll turn off the lights for you, you undress, then tell me when you're ready," the doctor said.

A few moments later, she called out, "I've undressed, doctor. What shall I do with my clothes?"

"Just place them on the chair, on top of mine."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dirty advice

 

John had just finished having his yearly medical examination and was waiting for the doctor to return to his office with the test results. When the doctor finally returns, he has a very sad look on his face.

"Well, doc, what's the word? How does everything look?" asks John. "John, I really don't know how to tell you this. The news is bad. Very bad," says the doctor.

"What is it doc?" a worried John asks. "I really am having a difficult time with this, John. I just don't know how to tell you," the doctor replies.

"Ok, doc, let's stop beating around the bush. Just tell me what you know. I can take it," John says.

"Let me put it this way. I think what you should do is go to Arkansas and visit the hot springs there for a nice, relaxing mud bath. Just spend some time soaking in the mud," the doctor tells him.

"I get it, I need to relax a little, right? Will that cure me?" asks John.

"No, not really, John. It won't cure you, nor will it help you to relax. What it will do is get you used to being covered in dirt."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Driving award

 

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's a smartbutt when he's drunk and stoned."

Brian from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!!!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Research project

 

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. The professor emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student's immediate family.

A student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up, "But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?"

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter.

When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look. "Well," he responded, "I guess you'll just have to learn to write with your other hand."

[worldangel]

Joke: No excuse!

 

A high school English teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family - but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,

"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bet in the bar

 

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

 

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice " I'd like to try the bet" After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?" The man replied "I work for the IRS."

Edited December 16, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Trying out of the police

 

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the weekstart with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.

"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

[worldangel]

Joke: In Heaven’s gate

 

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

[worldangel]

Joke: Swearing

 

A seven-year-old boy and his four-year-old brother were upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" said the seven year old. "I think it's about time we start swearing."

The four year old nodded his head in approval.

"When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say hell, and you say ass, okay?" The four year old agreed with enthusiasm.

 

The mother walked into the kitchen and asked the seven year old what he wanted for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

 

WHACK! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the floor, got up and ran upstairs crying his eyes out. The mother looked at the four year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do you want for breakfast, young man?"

 

"I don't know," he blubbered, "but you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios."

Edited December 16, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A talking pig

 

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home.

 

She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, 'Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'"

 

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"
One little boy raised his hand and said, "I know"..he said 'Holy Shit! A talking pig!'"

Edited December 16, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The surprise gift

 

On the last day of kindergarten, the children brought presents for their teacher.
The florist's son gave her a box. She shook it, held it up, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Is it flowers?"

"That's right!" said the boy.

Then the candy store owner's son gave her his package. She shook it, held it up, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Is it a box of candy?"

"That's right!" said the boy.

Next the liquor store owner's son handed her his box. She shook it, held it up, and noticed that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "I bet I know what it is. Is it wine?"

 

"No," said the boy.
She touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it Champagne?"

"No," said the boy.

"I give up. What is it?"

The boy grinned. "A puppy!"

Edited December 16, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Final exam excuse

 

An English professor told her students that there would be no excuse for not showing up for their final exam, except for serious injury, illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smartass jock in the back of the room asked:

 

What about extreme sexual exhaustion?

 

The entire class did its best to stifle their laughter. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled sympathetically at the student, shook her head, and sweetly said:

 

You can write with your other hand.

 

How does a teacher respond to a smartass student remark?

Edited December 16, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Working in the nude

 

Two girls were hired to clean a big house.
The owners left for work and there was nobody home, so they decided to take their clothes off.

They worked naked for a few hours, when they heard the door-bell.
"Who is it?", one of the asked.

 

"It's a blind-man", answered the man from outside. Since they realized he couldn't see them anyway, they decided to stay the way they were.

 

They opened the door, and the man said: "Hi, nice tits! where do you want the blinds?"...

Edited December 16, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The code word is ….

 

A husband and wife decided they needed to use a code word to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word "typewriter."

 

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter."

 

The child told her mom what her dad said and her mother responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now because there's a red ribbon in the typewriter."

 

The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

Edited December 16, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: No drunks allowed

 

A drunk walks into a bar, sits down and demands a drink.

"Get out" says the bartender. "I don't serve drunks here".

The drunk staggers out the front door, only to come back in through the side door. He sits at the bar, bangs his fist and demands a drink.

"I just told you to get out, didn't I? Now LEAVE!".

The drunk gets off his stool, stumbles out the side door and, comes back inside through the back door. Once again, he sits at the bar and loudly asks for a drink.

The bartender, now glowing mad, looks at the drunk and yells "I TOLD YOU, NO DRUNKS ALLOWED, NOW GET OUT!!!".

The drunk looks up at the bartender and slurs "How many bars do you work at, anyway?".

[worldangel]

Joke: Bedside manners

 

Mrs. Jones gets a call from the hospital. They tell her that her husband's been in a terrible automobile accident. She rushes to the hospital, runs into the ER and says her husband's been in an accident. They tell her Dr. Smith is handling the case. They page the doctor. He comes out into the waiting room to see a terribly upset Mrs. Jones.

"Mrs. Jones?" the doctor asks.

"Yes, doctor, what's happened? How is my husband?"

The doctor sits next to her and says, "Not good news, I'm afraid. Your husband's accident resulted in two fractures of his spine."

"Oh my goodness!" says Mrs. Jones, "What is the prognosis?"

"Well, Mrs. Jones, the good news is his vital signs are stable. However, his spine is inoperable. He'll have no motor skills or capability. This means you will have to feed him."

Mrs. Jones begins to sob...

"And you'll have to turn him in his bed every two hours to prevent pneumonia."

Mrs. Jones begins to wail and cry loudly...

"Then, of course," the doctor continued, "you'll have to diaper him as he'll have no control over his bladder and, of course, these diapers must be changed at least five times a day."

Mrs. Jones begins to shake as she cries, sobs, wails... The doctor continues:

"And you'll have to clean up his feces on a regular basis, as he'll have no control over his sphincters. His bowels will engorge whenever and quite often, I'm afraid. Of course, you must clean him immediately to avoid accumulation of the putrid effluent he'll be emitting regularly."

Now Mrs. Jones is convulsing, sobbing uncontrollably and beginning to wither off the bench into a sobbing pitiful mass.

Just then, Dr. Smith reaches out his hand, pats Mrs. Jones on the shoulder, and says, "Hey, I'm just fuckin' with you. He's dead."

Edited December 17, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Mad cow restaurant order

 

A man goes into a restaurant with his wife. The waiter approaches the table and asks for their order. "I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," he says.

"But sir, what about the mad cow?!" asks the waiter.

"Oh," answers the man, "she'll order for herself."

[worldangel]

Joke: Mad cow - farmer’s explanation

 

A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer about Mad Cow Disease. "Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information, but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day, but only screwing you once a year, wouldn't you go mad, too?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Soldiers urge

 

An officer is sent to a new base and he meets with one of the soldiers.

He says "everything is alright around here but what's up with the camel?". The soldier replies "well the soldiers are lonely and sometimes they get uh...urges". The Officer is disgusted but thinking it over he replies "I guess it makes sense, keep it".

A couple of weeks later the officer calls in the soldier and says "I'm getting restless, send in the camel". The soldier comes into his tent with the camel and leaves.

 

After the Officer is done with his business and zips up, the soldier walks in and asks "what were you just doing?", and the officer replies "well isn't this how you 'ride' one of these?". The soldier says "Well, usually me and the guys ride the camel into town and get some chicks."

[worldangel]

Joke: Quick thinker

 

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket, and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him
that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some asshole wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.

Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here."

"Where are you from, son?"

"Texas, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Texas?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and football players down there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Texas."

"No shit???" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Smart thinking

 

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

 

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

 

 

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

[worldangel]

Joke:  Look!

 

A man wanted his bull and a cow to mate; he tried everything but couldn't get the too together.

So he went to get some advises from a farmer who had the same problem.

The farmer told he to t put his hand up the cow’s pussy and then rub his hand around the bulls nose.

He went home and did this and then the cow and bull were at it none- stopping.

He went home and wondered if it would work on humans so he rubbed his hand around his wife’s pussy and rubbed it around his face and he got the biggest bone ever so he woke his wife up and said look!

She turned to him and said, “ You just have  woken me up to show me you have a nose bleed?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Farting problem

 

A cute little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn't bother me too much. It never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact I've farted at least 10 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because it doesn't smell and is silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Take these pills and come back to see me next week".

The next week the lady returns.

"Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the heck you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly".

"Good," the doctor said. "Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

[worldangel]

Joke: Piranha pool

 

A very rich man had his pool filled with piranhas. Later on that day he threw a party, and invited anyone who wanted to attend.

He said he'll give any man $10,000 if he dares to swim from one end to the other. No one took the offer.

"Ok, I'll give any man $10,000 and a brand new car". Still no one took the offer.

"I will give any man $10,000, a brand new car and any lady of their choice at this party".

At the end of the pool, a man jumps in and swims fast across to the other end.

The rich man shakes the man's hand and asks, "do you want the money?"
"No"

"Do you want the car?"
"No"

"Then you want the lady of your choice?"
"No"

"Then what is it that you want???"
I want the little b**ch that pushed me in!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Get along

 

Two physicians boarded a flight out of Seattle. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before takeoff, an attorney got on and took the aisle seat next to the two physicians.

The attorney kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the physician in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke."

"No problem," said the attorney, "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the physicians picked up the attorney's shoe and spat in it.

When he returned with the coke, the other physician said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other physician picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The attorney returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the attorney slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Molested 

 

A senior citizen's group chartered a bus from Brooklyn to Atlantic City. As they entered New Jersey, an elderly woman came up to the driver and said "I've been molested!"

The driver thought she was just being delusional, and told her to go sit back down.

10 minutes later, another old woman came forward and claimed SHE'D been molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of wackos - who'd molest them?

10 minutes later, a third came up and said she'd been molested too. The driver decided he'd had enough, and pulled into the rest stop. When he stood up, he saw an old man on his hands and knees in the aisle.

"Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?"

"I lost my toupee. Three times I thought I found it, but when I grabbed it, it ran away..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Don’t stop

 

There are three men in the woods. they are hunter, trapper, and stupid guy. Hunter goes out and comes back an hour later with a bear. Trapper asks "how did you get that?" Hunter says me find tracks, me follow tracks, me find bear, me shoot bear, bear stop."

Trapper goes out and comes back an hour later with a deer. Stupid guy asks "how did you get that?" Trapper says" me find tracks, me follow tracks me find deer, me shoot dear, dear stop."

Stupid guy goes out and comes back two hours later bruised and nearly dead with broken limbs. Hunter and trapper ask "What happened to you?"

 

The stupid guy says "me find tracks, me follow tracks, me find train, me shoot  train, train don't stop."

[worldangel]

Joke: Circle flies

 

It's the middle of summer and a Highway Patrolman pulls over a motorist for speeding. While he's writing the ticket, flies keep buzzing around his head, annoying him considerably.

"Circle flies sure are bad this year, aren't they?" says the motorist.

"Yeah," says the patrolman, "if that's what these are, you're sure right. But I've never heard of a circle fly before. What's that?"

"Well," the motorist responds, "circle flies are a species of fly that are particularly partial to horses. Specifically, they tend to circle
around a horse's rear end. That's why they call 'em circle flies."

The patrolman, catching the implication, replies, "You don't say. Well, that's very interesting. But it strikes me that you might be trying to call me a horse's ass. You wouldn't be making that kind of implication about an officer of the law, would you?"

"Oh, no sir!" responds the motorist. "No, sir, not at all. I have the utmost respect for law enforcement officers, and would never dream of implying that one of them was a horse's ass. No, sir, I'm terribly sorry if that's how it sounded."

"Yeah, I didn't think so," replied the patrolman.

"Yeah," the motorist continued, "but there's just no fooling those circle flies, is there?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Candy kiss

 

It was a little boy's first day in school and the teacher was going to play a "guessing" game. She passed out different items to each of the students and proceeded to ask each student what item they received.

 

When it was the new boy, Jimmy's turn, the teacher gave him a candy kiss. She asked "Do you know what it is?" Jimmy replied "No."

 

The teacher said, "Go ahead and open it up and taste it." Little Jimmy did so. The teacher then asked, "Now do you know what it is?" Little Jimmy said "Nooooo."

 

The teacher said, "I'll give you a hint...it is something your daddy wants from your mommy every morning before he goes to work." A little girl in the back of the class jumps up and screams: "JIMMY, SPIT IT OUT.......IT'S A PIECE OF ASS!"

Edited December 18, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The farting lesson

 

Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts.

His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact."

 

The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?"

Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper.

 

The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted, but when she was done there was not a trace of chalk dust left on the paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt.

 

"No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "You've got a Double-Barrel!"

Edited December 18, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: No temper tantrums on this plane

 

As a crowded airliner is about to take off, the peace is shattered by a 5-year-old boy who picks that moment to throw a wild temper tantrum. No matter what his frustrated, embarrassed mother does to try to calm him down, the boy continues to scream furiously and kick the seats around him.

 

Suddenly, from the rear of the plane, an elderly man in the uniform of an Air Force General is seen slowly walking forward up the aisle. Stopping the flustered mother with an upraised hand, the white-haired, courtly, soft-spoken General leans down and, motioning toward his chest, whispers something into the boy's ear.

 

Instantly, the boy calms down, gently takes his mother's hand, and quietly fastens his seat belt. All the other passengers burst into spontaneous applause.

As the General slowly makes his way back to his seat, one of the cabin attendants touches his sleeve.

"Excuse me, General," she asks quietly, "but could I ask you what magic words you used on that little boy?"

 

The old man smiles serenely and gently confides, "I showed him my pilot's wings, service stars, and battle ribbons, and explained that they entitle me to throw one passenger out the plane door on any flight I choose."

Edited December 18, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: It doesn’t exist

 

Jimmy came home from school with an F on his geography test. His mother was reviewing his work, and noticed that he had gotten one particularly easy question wrong.

 

"Jimmy," she asked, "Santa Cruz is in California."
"No, it isn't. It doesn't exist."

 

"Of course it exists. What makes you think it's imaginary?"
"That's what you told me, mommy," the boy replied.

"When did I tell you that?"

"Last Christmas, when I wanted to know why I didn't get a horse."

"No, I told you that Santa CLAUS doesn't exist, not Santa CRUZ."

Edited December 18, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Coffee maker

 

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee in bed. He had made it all by himself and was so proud. He waited eagerly to hear her verdict on the quality of the coffee.

 

The grandmother had truly never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee. The first few sips just about did her in, but she praised her grandson, told him it was wonderful, and drank it all anyway.

 

As she forced down the last sip, she noticed three little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

 

She asked, "Honey, why would three of your little army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

 

Her grandson replied, "You know, grandma, it's like on TV: 'The best part of waking up... is soldiers in your cup.'"

Edited December 18, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Big sissy

 

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

 

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't, dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

 

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."

Edited December 18, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Over your heart

 

The teacher advised the class to start the day with the Pledge of Allegiance, and instructed them to put their right hands over their hearts and repeat after him.

 

He looked around the room as he started the recitation, "I pledge allegiance to the flag..." When his eyes fell on Little Johnny, he noticed his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.

 

"Little Johnny, I will not continue till you put your hand over your heart."
Little Johnny replied, "It is over my heart."

 

After several attempts to get Little Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, "Why do you think that is your heart?"

 

"Because, every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up, pats me here, and says, 'Bless your little heart,' and my Grandma wouldn't lie."

Edited December 18, 2015 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Going to the bathroom

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.

As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well-endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."

[worldangel]

Joke: I know the truth

At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults hide at least one dark secret and this makes it very easy to blackmail them merely by saying, "I know the whole truth."

So Little Johnny decides to try it out. When he arrives home from school that day, he says to his mother, "I know the whole truth." His mother looks shocked, quickly finds $20, and gives it to him, saying, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, Little Johnny waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." His father looks shocked, quickly finds $40, and gives it to him, saying, "Just don't tell your mother."

The next morning, Little Johnny is on his way to school when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy decides to try again. "I know the whole truth."

The mailman drops his mailbag, throws opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real daddy a nice big hug!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Is it dead?

One of the teachers had a kindergartener come up to her and say that he had found a frog. The teacher asked if the frog was alive or dead.

The student said it was dead.

The teacher asked how he knew.

The boy said, "I pissed in its ear."

The teacher said, "You what?"

He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move. So it must be dead."

[worldangel]

Joke: Don’t kick

The little farm boy storms out of the house, mad about being ordered to do his chores. In the barnyard, he kicks the rooster. Near the barn, he kicked a hog. In the corral, he kicked the family's milk cow. His mother saw all this and stormed out after him.

"I saw you kick that rooster; just for that, you'll get no eggs. And I saw you kick that hog; just for that, you'll get no bacon. And I saw you kick the cow; just for that, you'll get no milk!"

His father heard the yelling, came out of the barn, tripping over the cat and nearly falling, after which, he booted the poor animal out of his way. The cat ran screeching into the barn.

The little boy looked up at his mother and said, "You want to tell him or shall I?"

[worldangel]

Joke: My father’s best

Three boys were bragging about their fathers. The first one said, "My father runs so fast he can fire an arrow, start running, and get there before the arrow!"

The second one said, "That's nothing! My father can shoot a gun, start running, and get there before the bullet!"

The third boy just smiled. "That's nothing. My father is a civil servant. He gets off work at 5 and is home before 4!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Infrequently

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry.

Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements

and so on.

Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of their sexual relationship...

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully.

"Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.

The old guy paused....then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Jimmy’s not stupid

Mrs. White asked her 4th grade class if they thought they were stupid and, if so, to please stand.

Little Jimmy stood up, alone.

Mrs. White said, "Jimmy, do you really think you're stupid?"

"No," Jimmy said. "But I didn't want you standing up there alone."

[worldangel]

Joke: Joys of long neck

Giraffe and bunny meet up in the forest. Giraffe, in his usual arrogant way starts up a conversation.

"So, bunny, do you know how great it is to have such a long neck?" he asks, a faint tone of smugness in his voice.

"I'm sure I don't," replies bunny, obviously not really that interested.

"Well, to begin with, when I'm hungry and I chew my beautiful leaves, how can I describe the sensation of the leaves going down my throat....they go down and down and down....it's one hour of sheer pleasure."

"Really, how fascinating," replies bunny, one eyebrow raised.

Oblivious to bunny's lack of enthusiasm, giraffe continues, "And when I'm thirsty, and I drink water, for a full hour it goes down....and down....and down...It's heaven on earth!"

"Amazing," comments bunny, "but just one question. Have you ever thrown up?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Specimen

A mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen. When she got home she asks her husband, "What is a specimen?"

He replies. "Hell if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She's a nurse"

The woman goes next door and comes back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body. "What in the world happened?" asked her husband.

"Damn if I know," she replies. "I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go shit in her hat and then all hell broke loose.