Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Stop Playing Games With My Heart

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.

He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

[clementi]

Joke: The Lawyer Who Died Suddenly

Joe the lawyer died suddenly, at the age of 45.

He got to the gates of Heaven, and the angel standing there said, "We've been waiting along time for you."

"What do you mean," he replied, "I'm only 45, in the prime of my life. Why did I have to die now?"

"Forty-Five? You're not 45, you're 82," replied the angel.

"Wait a minute. If you think I'm 82 then you have the wrong guy. I'm only 45. I can show you my birth certificate."

"Hold on. Let me go check," said the angel and disspeared inside.

After a few minutes the angel returned.

"Sorry, but by our records you are 82. I checked all the hours you have billed your clients, and you have to be 82."

[clementi]

Joke: The Lawyer's Death Certificate

A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.

The attorney asks, "Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?"

The coroner says, "No."

The attorney then asks, "Did you listen for a heart beat?"

"No."

"So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?"

The coroner, now tired of the brow beating says, "Well, let me put it this way.

The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere."

[worldangel]

Joke: Unbeatable

Which of the following words does not belong: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob?

Blowjob. You can beat your meat, eggs, and wife; but you can’t beat a blowjob.

[worldangel]

Joke: Marriage

Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't?

Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.

Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator.

[worldangel]

Joke: Perfect Couple

Once upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple were driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys.

Not wanting to disappoint any children on the Eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the only survivor?

If there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

[worldangel]

Joke: Speeding

A man in his 40's bought a new BMW and was out in the countryside for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.

As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a BMW," he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100...Then the reality of the situation hit him.

"What the hell am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks for a second and says, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.

[worldangel]

Joke: Old Romance

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "magic.

" Wow!" I said. "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now. I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd "rise" to the challenge.

"Yeah," I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me, saying that tubby bald men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

"Anyway," she giggled, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

That's when I told her to f**k off!

[worldangel]

Joke: The Urinal

20 Types You Meet in the Men's Room:

1) Excitable - Shorts half-twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts.

2) Sociable - Joins friends in piss whether he has to or not.

3) Cross-eyed - Looks into the next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed.

4) Timid - Cannot piss if someone is watching, flushes urinal, comes back later.

5) Indifferent -- All urinals being used, pisses in sink.

6) Clever - No hands, fixes tie, looks around, usually pisses on floor.

7) Worried - Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection.

8) Frivolous - Plays stream up, down and across urinal, tries to hit flies and bugs.

9) Absent-Minded - Opens vest, pulls out tie, pisses in pants.

10) Childish - Pisses directly in bottom of urinal, likes to see it bubble.

11) Sneaky - Farts silently while pissing, acts very innocent, knows man in other stall will be blamed.

12) Patient - Stands very close for a long time, reads with free hand.

13) Desperate - Waits in long line, teeth floating, pisses in pants.

14) Tough - Bangs dick on side of urinal to dry.

15) Efficient - Waits until he has to crap and does both.

16) Fat - Backs up and takes a blind shot at urinal, pisses in shower.

17) Little - Stands on box, falls in, drowns.

18) Drunk - Holds left thumb in right hand, pisses in pants.

19) Disgruntled - Stands for a while, gives up, walks away.

20) Conceited - Holds two-inch dick like baseball bat.

[worldangel]

Joke: Puzzling Time

A man walked up to a farm house and knocks on the door. When a woman opened the door, the man asks if she knew how to have sex.

Not amused, she slammed the door. Again, though, the man knocked, and asked the same question. Not amused, the woman screamed at him and told him to leave.

Later that evening, the woman told her husband of the incident. He said he'd stay home the following day just in case the man returned.

Sure enough, the next day the same man returned. The husband hid with his gun while his wife answered the door.

When she was asked again if she knew how to have sex, she replied, "Sure, I do! Why do you ask?"

"Good," said the man at the door, "give some to your husband the next time you see him, and tell him to keep away from my wife!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Teenage Pregnancy

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says,

"Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them:

"Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girls father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You shag her again."

[worldangel]

Joke: New Recruits

Two brothers enlisting in the Army were getting their physicals.

During the inspection, the doctor was surprised to discover that both of them possessed incredibly long, oversized penises.

"How do you account for this?" he asked the brothers.

"It's hereditary, sir," the older one replied.

"I see," said the doctor, writing in his file. "Your father's the reason for your elongated penises?"

"No sir, our mother."

"Your mother? You idiot, women don't have penises!"

"I know, sir," replied the recruit, "but she only had one arm, and when it came to getting us out of the bathtub, she had to manage as best as she could."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Swimmer

Once there was a millionaire who had a collection of live alligators. He kept them in a pool at the back of his mansion.

The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single. One day, he decides to throw a huge party.

During the party he announces, "My dear guests, I have a proposition to every man here.

I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge unharmed!"

As soon as he finishes his last word, there is the sound of a large splash.

The guests all turn to see a man in the pool swimming as fast as he can. They cheer him on as he keeps stroking.

Finally, the swimming man makes it to the other side unharmed.

The millionaire is so impressed, he says, "My boy, that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well, I must keep my end of the bargain.

Which do you want, my daughter or the one million dollars?"

The man says, "Listen, I don't want your money. I don't want your daughter, either. I want the person who pushed me in that water!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Wholly Pants

A frustrated wife decided her sex life needed spicing up. After work, she went shopping and picked up a pair of crotchless panties.

She went home and donned the new garment and picked a short skirt to go with it.

She greeted her husband when he came home from work and sat across from him as they shared a drink. She slowly spread her legs ...

"Honey would you like some of this?",she said gesturing to her crotch.

"Hell no, look what it's done to your underwear!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Small Talk

A man walks up to a woman in his office every day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to her manager.

Without identifying the guy, she tells her boss what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.

The manager is puzzled by this approach, and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies, "It's Dave, the midget."

[worldangel]

Joke: 3 Guys and The Dildo Shop

Three guys go into a store... the first guy buys a wood dildo, the second guy buys a glass dildo, and the third guy buys a 25-foot long dildo.

The next day the first guy comes back with the wooden dildo and says, "I want to return this dildo... it gave my wife splinters."

The second guy comes back with the glass dildo and says, "I want to return this dildo... it broke off in my wife and now there is glass in my wife."

The third guy comes back with the 25-foot long dildo. The cashier says, "Lemme guess you want to return your dildo?"

The guy says, "Hell no!! This thing is great!! See that girl in the corner over there? Bang!! Got her!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Change mind or sex?

A young couple goes for a romantic walk along a country lane. They walk hand in hand and as they stroll the guy's lustful desire rises to a peak.

He is just about to get frisky when she says, "I hope you don't mind but I really do need to pee."

Slightly taken aback by this, he replies, "OK. Why don't you go behind this hedge."

She nods agreement and disappears behind the hedge.

As he waits he can hear the sound of nylon knickers rolling down her voluptuous legs and imagines what is being exposed.

Unable to contain his animal thoughts a moment longer, he reaches a hand through the hedge and touches her leg.

He quickly brings his hand further up her thigh until suddenly and with great astonishment finds himself gripping a long, thick appendage hanging between her legs.

He shouts in horror, "My goodness ... have you changed your sex?"

"No," she replies. "I've changed my mind, I'm having a shit instead."

[worldangel]

Joke: Condoms

A very proper man started going into the neighborhood drug store every week and buying 2 dozen boxes of condoms.

Week after week, he would come in with the same order.

One day, the druggist felt he had to say something to the man.

"Wow! You must have the stamina of a bull. Talk about getting lucky! How on earth do you use that many condoms a week?"

The man looked at him in disgust and said, "I beg your pardon, but I find the whole idea of sex repulsive!"

So, the druggist asked, "Then what do you do with all those condoms?"

The gentleman answered, "I feed them to my poodle and now she poops in little plastic bags."

[worldangel]

Joke: Season Ticket?

Sarah was reading a newspaper while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing.

"Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over", he said.

[worldangel]

Joke: My brother

A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately, he still has to share a room with his younger brother....who's only 9 years old...

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk.

As you might expect things started to heat up. The guy remembered that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she wants a new position.

"Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Lettuce!!! Tomato!!!" she screams. "Lettuce!!! Tomato!!! Whoa!!! PULL IT OUT!!! PULL IT OUT NOW!!! I can't get pregnant!"

Then the little brother shouts up,"Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting mayonnaise all over my face!"

[worldangel]

Joke: My best feature?

Duane rents an apartment in New York, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox.

While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Duane smiles at the young girl and she strikes up a conversation with him.

As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing under the robe. Poor Duane breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go in my apartment, I hear someone coming..."

He proceeds with her into the apartment, and after she closes the door, she leans against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Being completely nude, she purrs at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed Duane stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, it's got to be your ears!"

She's astounded! "Why my ears? Look at these breasts! They are full, don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My buns - they are firm and do not sag, and have no cellulite! Look at this skin, no blemishes or scars!

Why in heaven's name would you say my ears are the best part of my body?!"

Clearing his throat once again, Duane stammers - "Outside when you said you heard someone coming? That was me."

[worldangel]

Joke: Can you tell me about politics?

Little Johnny came home from school one day and said to his father, "Dad, what can you tell me about politics? I have to learn about it for school tomorrow."

The father thought some and said, "Okay, son, the best way I can describe politics is to use an analogy. Let's say that I'm capitalism because I'm the breadwinner.

Your mother will be government because she controls everything, our maid will be the working class because she works for us, you will be the people because you answer to us, and your baby brother will be the future. Does that help any?"

Little Johnny said, "Well, Dad, I don't know, but I'll think about what you said."

Later that night, after everyone had gone to bed, Johnny was woken up by his brother's crying. Upon further investigation, he found a dirty diaper.

So, he went down the hall to his parent's bedroom and found his father's side of the bed empty and his mother wouldn't wake up.

Then he saw a light on in the guest room down the hall, and when he reached the door, he saw through the crack that his father was in bed with the maid.

Because he couldn't do anything else, he turned and went back to bed.

The next morning, he said to his father at the breakfast table, "Dad, I think I understand politics much better now."

"Excellent, my boy," he answered, "What have you learned?"

Little Johnny thought for a minute and said, "I learned that capitalism is screwing the working class, while the government is sound asleep ignoring the people, and the future's full of shit."

[worldangel]

Joke: Series of tests

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Half-time

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It’s fart football."

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says, "Touchdown, I’m ahead 14 to 7."

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says, "Touchdown, tie score."

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says, "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14."

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail.

Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What was that?"

The old man replied, "Half-time, Switch sides."

[worldangel]

Joke: Tell the truth

A young boy asked is father, "Dad, do lawyers ever tell the truth?"

The father thought for a moment, "Yes son, sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case!"

[worldangel]

Joke: After surgery

There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.

His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!"

Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute."

She said "What happened to 'beautiful'?"

His reply was "The drugs are wearing off!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The same grave

Two men after a long night at the pub were walking home. They decided to take a shortcut through the local grave yard.

As they were walking through they were reading the inscriptions on the grave stones. They spied one which read "Here lies an Lawyer and a honest man".

Pat turns to Mike and says "Look at that will ya, two men buried in the same grave!"

[worldangel]

Joke: May I buy you a drink?

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"

"Okay, but it won't do you any good."

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay, but it still won't do you any good."

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies, "Okay, but it won't do you any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife."

She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."

[worldangel]

Joke: Rash marks

A young woman goes to her doctor after noticing two small circular rash marks one on each side of her inner thigh.

The doctor instructs the woman to undress and sit on the table and spread her legs.

Sitting between the young woman’s legs, the doctor looks up at the young woman and asks if she is a lesbian.

The young woman blushes and says, "Why yes I am."

The doctor stands up, and tells the young woman, "Don't worry your rash will go away."

The young woman asks what she needs to do. The doctor says, "Go home and tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real."

[worldangel]

Joke: Put on the Brakes

There was an older man who'd married a younger woman. All was going well... except in the bedroom.

He couldn't last long enough to satisfy her. She said it didn't matter but he knew it was getting her down. So he went to the doctor and asked for help.

The doctor said "Well, there's one easy solution. Before you have intercourse with your wife, satisfy yourself first, that way you'll last longer when you're with her."

The next day the man gets a call from his wife while he's at work. In a husky voice she tells him "I'm going to ravish you when you get home tonight. We're going to have a mammoth sex session."

The man can't concentrate on work for the rest of the day and finally 5:30 comes round and he's the first out of the office, eager to get back to his wife.

While driving he remembers his doctor's advice. So he pulls over onto a quiet road. But he can't just sit there in his car having a wank, so he decides he'll lie under the car and pretend that he's fixing the car.

He crawls under the car, closes his eyes, imagines his wife naked and starts wanking. After a while he feels something tugging at jeans and this voice says 'Sir, this is the Police, would you mind telling us what you're doing?'

Not wanting to lose this wonderful image of his wife he kept his eyes closed and said to the Policeman, 'I'm just fixing the axle of my car'

To which the Policeman replied "Well, while you're down there you'd better check the brakes as well, because your car has crashed into a tree half a mile down the road!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Health Care and Heaven

Three men who all spent their entire adult lives working in the health care industry are killed in a train wreck.

Shortly after, they find themselves in line at the Pearly Gates, waiting for admission into heaven.

As they approach, Saint Peter asks them to identify themselves.

The first man steps forward and says, “I was a pediatric spine surgeon. I helped hundreds of kids overcome their deformities.”

Saint Peter says, “Enter.”

The second man says, “I was a psychiatrist. I helped thousands of people overcome their problems."

Saint Peter nods and invites him into heaven.

The third man steps forward and says, “I was an HMO manager. I helped countless people get cost-effective health care.”

Saint Peter tells him, “You may enter.”

As the HMO manager walks by, Saint Peter adds, “But you can only stay for three days. After that, you can go to hell.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Angry Wife

A guy walks into a bar and asks for a bottle of whiskey and a glass.

“Something wrong, pal?” asks the bartender.

“Ah, my wife’s pissed,” the guy says. “The other day was my birthday, and she got naked and told me I could do whatever I wanted with her.”

“Nice,” says the bartender. “So what’s the problem?”

“I sent her to her mother’s house.”

[clementi]

Joke: And how well can *you* play?

A man walks into a bar with a large suitcase in one on hand. Tossing it casually up on the bar, he orders a beer.

"What have you got there?" The bartender asks. The man gives him a mean look, opens the suitcase, and pulls out out a tiny replica of a piano. He places it on the bar in front of the bartender. "Well, that's interesting," the bartender says.

"You haven't seen it all." The man snaps, turning back to the suitcase. "Come on, Joe." Out of the suitcase climbs a little man only about a foot tall, who proceeds to sit down at the piano and play several pieces by Chopin flawlessly. The bartender is very much impressed.

"My god!" he says. "Where did you find him??"

"Well, I was walking along the beach one day," the man says, as the little man climbs back into the suitcase, "and I came across this really old bottle. So I opened it up. There was a genie inside, and she gave me one wish."

"And that was your wish?" The bartender asks incredulously, pointing to the piano.

"No," the man said. "The genie had been in that bottle for so long she had become hard of hearing. So I didn't get my real wish. And now, for the rest of my life, I'm stuck with this twelve inch pianist."

Edited April 11, 2009 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: Banking Bitches

An oily, disreputable looking fellow walks into a bank with a large sack on his back. Seeing an open teller, the man walks up to the young lady and places the sack on the counter.

"I want to open a fxxking savings account!" the man grunts.

"I am sorry sir, we prefer politer customers," she replied, offended.

"Okay, look I just wanna open a fxxking banking account."

"I'm sorry, but you just can't speak that way."

The supervisor, seeing the trouble went over to check on the situation. She got there and got the story from the teller. Trying another tack, she decided to handle the situation herself.

"How can I help you?" she asked, all smiles.

"Listen, I would like to open a fxxkING savings account!"

"I am sorry, but we do not deal with people who use vulgar language."

Finally, the bank manager came over to settle the matter.

"What is the matter here?" he asked.

"Look," replied the customer, "I just won 47 million dollars in the lottery and I wanted to open a fxxking savings account to deposit all the cash in."

"Are these two bitches giving you trouble?" quickly replied the manager.

[clementi]

Joke: Math Knowledge

Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high.

"I'll tell you what," said the cynic, "ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do." He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over.

"When my friend comes back," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond `one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed.

The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"

The waitress looked pensive; almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?"

So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "...plus a constant."

[clementi]

Joke: Milkman

One fine morning the milkman arrives at the house of family Jones. Mrs. Jones opens the door, and asks him to come inside.

She invites him in the kitchen, where a huge and very good breakfast is prepared for him. He sits down and very much enjoys all the excellent food.

When he is finished she asks him to come upstairs, and the milkman certainly has a good time!

When they dress and go down, she gives him a 5 dollar bill. Now the milkman is really surprised, and asks where the 5 dollars are for.

She replies: "Well, yesterday I told my husband that is was your birthday today, and he said: "So what, fxxk the milkman, give him 5 bucks."

But the breakfast was entirely my idea!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex on the Lawn

A man was walking down a street one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood.

Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree.

Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.

He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was?

"This is a brothel", replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" the man inquired.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Secret Codes

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride, "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do.

These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code.

For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open?' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and promptly fell asleep.

When she woke up, however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

[worldangel]

Joke: Shoplifter

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.

When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?"

She replied, "I stole a can of peaches."

The judge asked her why she had stolen them and she replied that she was desperately hungry.

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can.

She replied "There were six".

The judge then said, "Ok, I will give you 6 days in jail."

Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.

He said, "What is it?"

The husband said "She also stole a can of peas."

[worldangel]

Joke: What’s for dinner

One day a old man visits a surgery, and asks the doctor if there was any way he could find out if his wife was hard of hearing...

The doctor replied, "If she won't come in for a hearing test, you could try talking to her when you get home.

If you get no response, then move a little closer and repeat what you've said.

If she doesn't hear you at first, you can gauge just how deaf she is by how close you get, until she begins to hear."

Armed with this information, he sets off home. Opening the front door he notices his wife in the kitchen down the passageway, with her back to the door.

Closing the door quietly, he says to his wife, "Hi honey, I'm home, what's cooking for dinner?"

He gets no response, so he moves a little closer and says again, "Hi honey, I'm home, what's cooking for dinner?"

Still no response; so he enters the kitchen and says, "Hi honey, I'm home, what's for dinner?"

Again she doesn't respond, so he walks up to her touches her arm and says, "Hi honey, I'm home, what's for dinner?"

With that she reels around and shouts at him, "Bangers and mash, for the fourth fxxking time, you deaf bastard!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Spanking Daughter

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

"What's wrong dearest?" asked the confused husband.

"Oh darling," sobbed the wife, "I was cleaning little Suzie's room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bed, along with a very erotic pxxn magazine! What ever are we going to do?"

"Well," replied the man, "I guess a spanking is out of the question?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Who are they mummy?

A woman and her son were taking a cab around the City.

It was raining and all the hookers were standing under the enclaves.

"Mom," said the little boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The cabbie turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money." ‘

The little boy’s eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the cabbie, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

She responds, "Most of them are cab drivers".

[worldangel]

Joke: Sandwich Shop

A man is walking down the street and sees a sign that catches his eye:

"Cheese Sandwich: $1.50; Handjob: $10.00."

Intrigued, he walks inside the tavern and spots an exceptionally beautiful blonde woman behind the counter.

He looks at her, and she smiles back, knowingly.

"Are you the one who gives the handjobs?" he whispers.

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

He looks at her and responds: "Well then wash your hands because I want a cheese sandwich!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Mother of Six

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

In fact, he is so proud of himself and his ability to impregnate that he starts referring to his wife as "Mother of Six" despite her constant objections.

One night, they get a chance to leave the kids behind with a sitter and go to a party.

The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

[worldangel]

Joke: 20-Dollar Cover Story

A drunk in a bar pukes all over his own shirt, which was brand new before he came in.

“Damn,” he says. “I puked on my shirt again.

If the wife finds out, she’s gonna kill me.”

“Not to worry,” says the bartender as he sticks a $20 bill in the drunk’s pocket.

“Just tell her someone puked on you and gave you some cash to cover the cleaning bill.”

So the drunk goes home and tells his wife about the guy who puked on him.

She reaches into his pocket and finds two twenties. “Why are there two twenties?” she asks.

The drunk replies, “Oh, yeah, he crapped in my pants, too.”

[worldangel]

Joke: First day at college

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the simple rules:

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students."

"Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.

Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny

A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Johnny. None, they all fly away with the first gunshot.

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking". Then Little Johnny says, now I have a question for you.

"There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married? "

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.

The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.

[worldangel]

Joke: The Distraught Widow

A ninety year old woman had just lost her husband of sixty five years. She decided she could not bare to be alone and would take her life.

So she made an appointment with her doctor. In the exam room she asked her doctor where exactly her heart was.

The doctor answered just below your left breast.

So the widow went home and took out her late husband's gun and shot herself in the exact spot her doctor said her heart was.

A few hours later a ninety year old widow was taken into the ER with a gunshot wound to the left knee.

[worldangel]

Joke: Stand by Your Man

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" She gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you’re bad luck, why don’t you fxxk off?"

[worldangel]

Joke: New Neighbour

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress.

He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible.

Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, he’s finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door.

He opens it and there stands a big, bearded Vermonter.

“Names Enoch, your neighbour from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday, thought you’d like to come.”

“Great,” says Sam, “after six months of this I’m ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.”

As Enoch is leaving he stops, “Gotta warn you there’s gonna be some drinkin’.”

“Not a problem. After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of ‘em.”

Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. “More’n likely gonna be some fightin’ too.”

Damn, Sam thinks…tough crowd. “Well, I get along well with people. I’ll be there. Thanks again.”

Once again Enoch turns from the door. “I’ve seen some wild sex at these parties, too.”

“Now that’s not a problem”, says Sam. “Remember, I’ve been alone for six months. By the way, what should I wear?

Enoch stops in the door again and says, “Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.”