Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A husband and wife were driving ...

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a big, muddy hole in the road and the car became bogged.

 
After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plow your land? You must do it at night."
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Shower

Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath so Dewey asks him what the hell is wrong with you? 

So Ray says "I’ve been running from the cops but I finally lost them" 
Dewey then asked "what the hell did you do?" 
Ray replied " I was pissing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest me!" 

"That’s not against the law" said Dewey, 
"That’s what I thought," said Ray. 
"But those guys at Home Depot sure must of thought it was"

[worldangel]

Joke: Morris walks out into the street ...

Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cab driver says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."
"Who?"

"Dave Aronson. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."
"There are always a few clouds over everybody," says Morris.

"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."
"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."
"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Dave."
"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris.
"Because I married his widow."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Opening bank account

A woman walks into a bank, goes up to the teller, and says, “ I want to open a fucking savings account!” The teller blinks and says, “Excuse me?” “I said,” the woman, says, “I want to open a fucking savings account!” “You are very rude,” says the teller.

“There is no need to use that kind of language. With that, she goes and gets the bank manager. The bank manager comes back with the teller and asks the woman, “What seems to be the problem?” “Look,” the woman says, “I just won the lottery for ten million dollars and I just want to open up a fucking savings account!”

The manager looks at the teller and then at the woman and says, “And this bitch is giving you a hard time?

[worldangel]

Joke: The three types

Blind, a deaf and a cross-eyed go to the show.

The blind did not see but heard, and said it was nice. The deaf saw it and said it was nice. The cross-eyed one said, I am the lucky one, I saw, it twice!

[worldangel]

Joke: Going under

A blonde visited the bank to close her account because she was convinced the institution was going under.

When asked by a shocked manager why she thought so, she produced one of her checks, endorsed by the bank, “Insufficient funds.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Early afternoon quickie

 

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early-afternoon quickie. “Don’t worry,” he assures her, “my wife is out of town on a business trip, so there’s no risk.” As things get hot and heavy, the secretary reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, “We have to stop! I forgot to bring birth control!”

“No problem,” he replies, “I’ll get my wife’s diaphragm.” After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in fury.

“That witch!” he exclaims. “She took it with her! I always knew she didn’t trust me!”

 

 

Edited January 21, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: This young man was elated when ...

This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. for any one under seventeen years of age. He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted. 

“Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the garage by eleven,” his father said.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Who Is He?

A guy was standing at the bottom of the stairs listening to the bells. He decided to go up and meet the ringer. So he raced up the many stairs until finally he was standing not three meters away from quazimodo. 

In a soft voice he said "can I ring the bells" as the hunchback pushed his head against the bell 

"No training is needed or you will be in danger" 

The guy replied to this "C'mon please I'll be careful" 

"Be very careful"

Minutes went by and he pushed the bell with the might of his hands

"Can I ring the bell with my head? “The guy asked

"NO, TRAINING"

"I can do it"

"Ok don't say you haven't been warned"

Alas on his first heave he lost balance and when the bell swung back it hit him out the window he fell down the tower to his death. Quazimodo raced down the stairs with all possible speed, when he was at the bottom a small crowd had gathered with a policeman examining the body.

The policeman yelled to the crowd, "Does anybody know this man?”

Quazimodo then answered, "No, but his face rings a bell"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Which one picked it up?

Just before Christmas, an honest politician, a generous lawyer and Santa Claus were riding in the elevator of a very posh hotel.

Just before the doors opened they all noticed a $20 bill lying on the floor. Which one picked it up?

Santa of course, because the other two don't exist!

[worldangel]

Joke: Duck Hunting

A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he's retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."

"What's country style?" asks the city boy.

"Out here in the country," the farmer says: "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin' wins the dispute."

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he's ever felt, crying like a baby and rolling around on the ground. Finally he staggers to his feet and says: "All right, n-now it's–it's m-my turn."

The farmer grins: "Forget it, you win. Keep the duck."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Please Show The I.D.

The following supposedly a true story.

 

This guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said "Because I don't believe you are over 21." 

 

The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give the scotch to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. 

 

The clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. 

 

The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off of the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

 

Edited January 21, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Really funny jokes-Describe in Albhabets

A wife asked her husband to describe her.
He said, 'You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K'.
She said, 'What does that mean?'

He said, 'Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous Hot'.
She said, 'Oh that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?'

He said, ' I'm Just Kidding'

[worldangel]

Joke: A little old man shuffled slow...

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. 

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts? 

No," he replied, "arthritis".

[worldangel]

Joke: College Pride

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a red 'H' on her chest.
"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor. "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweat shirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a blue 'Y' on her chest. "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Yale and he's so proud of it that he never takes off his Yale sweat shirt, even when we make love," she replies. A couple of days later, another girl comes in for a checkup. As she takes off her blouse, he notices a green 'M' on her chest. "Do you have a boyfriend at Michigan?" asks the doctor.

"No, but I have a girlfriend at Wisconsin, Why do you ask?"

[worldangel]

Joke: How retired folks stay happy and occupied

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day, Mary my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'
He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Mary called him a shit head.  He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes.

The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.

[worldangel]

Joke: New broom...

A woman was waiting in the check-out line at a shopping center. Her basket was filled with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her actions and deep sighs, it was obvious that she was in a hurry and not happy about the slowness of the line.

When the cashier called for yet another price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked, indignantly, "Well, at this rate, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!"

"Don't worry, Ma'am," replied the clerk. "With all that wind kicking up over there and that brand new broom you have in your basket, you'll be home in no time."

[worldangel]

Joke: A group of fathers are sitting

A group of fathers are sitting around talking about their teenage daughters. One dad says, " I think my 16 year old is smoking; I found a empty cigarette pack under her bed." All the other fathers say in unison, "Oh no!"

 

Then a second dad says, "That's nothing. I found an empty liquor bottle under my 16 year old's bed." All the other fathers say in unison, "Oh dear!" Then a third dad says, "Mine's worse than both of those combined: I went into my 16 year old daughter's room and found a used condom."

 

All the other fathers say in unison, "My goodness!" The third father replies "Yeah, I didn't know she had a dick!"
 

Edited January 22, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a man walking alone ...

There was a man walking alone along a beach. He comes across a bottle with a cork in it. The man picks up the bottle and pulls out the cork. A loud roar follows and a genie appears. The genie says to the man, "I'm a little tired today and I can only give you two wishes." 

The man says "That's OK, two is enough." "First, I would like one-billion dollars in a Swiss bank account." 
Poof - The genie hands the man a paper and says "Here's the number to your account." 

Next the man says, "Second, I would like to be irresistible to women." 
Poof - the genie turned him into a box of chocolates.
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Duck Hunting

A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he's retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."

"What's country style?" asks the city boy.

"Out here in the country," the farmer says: "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin' wins the dispute."

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he's ever felt, crying like a baby and rolling around on the ground. Finally he staggers to his feet and says: "All right, n-now it's–it's m-my turn."

The farmer grins: "Forget it, you win. Keep the duck."

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy was standing at the bottom...

A guy was standing at the bottom of the stairs listening to the bells. He decided to go up and meet the ringer. So he raced up the many stairs until finally he was standing not three meters away from quazimodo. 

In a soft voice he said "can I ring the bells" as the hunchback pushed his head against the bell 
"No training is needed or you will be in danger" 
The guy replied to this "C'mon please I'll be careful" 

"Be very careful"
Minutes went by and he pushed the bell with the might of his hands
"Can I ring the bell with my head? “The guy asked
"NO, TRAINING"

"I can do it"
"Ok don't say you haven't been warned"
Alas on his first heave he lost balance and when the bell swung back it hit him out the window he fell down the tower to his death. Quazimodo raced down the stairs with all possible speed, when he was at the bottom a small crowd had gathered with a policeman examining the body.

He yelled to the crowd
"Does anybody know this man?”
Quazimodo then answered 
"No, but his face rings a bell"

[worldangel]

Joke: An old man goes into Victoria...

An old man goes into Victoria's Secret and tells the sales-person behind the counter he needs a present for his wife. "See," explains the man, "It is my fiftieth wedding anniversary and I would like to get something pretty to surprise the little lady, if you know what I mean." When he gets home, his wife asks with a scowl on her face, "Where have you been?"

 

"Surprise," says the old man and hands her a sexy tiny teddy. The wife rips it from his hand and takes it to the bathroom to try it on. She struggles to make it fit, but it is two sizes too small. She take a long time in the bathroom and hopes her husband will lose interest and fall asleep because it is getting late into the evening.

 

Finally she emerges from the bathroom with all the lights out. She is completely nude and pretends to model it in front of him. Her husband, still sitting up, squinting to try and see finally says, "For as much money I spent on it, they could of at least ironed out the wrinkles."

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited January 22, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: After working most of her life...

After working most of her life Grandma finally retired. At her nextcheckup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicinesthat had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as herealized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, doyou realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?" 

Yes, they help me sleep at night. " 

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in thesethat could possibly help you sleep!
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear,I knowthat. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass oforange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks . . . and believeme, it helps me sleep at night. "

You gotta love Grandmas!

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Rednecks Go Fishing

Two rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: A dentist noticed that his next...

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old lady, was nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put his gloves. 

"Do you know how they make these gloves?" he asked. 
"No, I don't." 

"Well," he spoofed, "there's a building in Mexico with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size." 

She didn't crack a smile. 
"Oh, well. I tried," he thought. 

But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing. 
"What's so funny?" he asked. 

"I was just envisioning how condoms are made!"
 

[worldangel]

 

 

Joke: The man charged into the jewel...

The man charged into the jewelry shop, slammed his fists angrily on the showcase, removed a wristwatch from his pocket and shook it under the nose of the owner.

 

“You said this watch would last me a lifetime,” he yelled. “Yeah,” admitted the owner.

 

“But you looked pretty sick the day you bought it.”

 

 

Edited January 22, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Caught on the Job

The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.

Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said, “A-a-a-men!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Beautiful Daughter
 

Once there was a millionaire, who collected live alligators. He kept them in the pool in back of his mansion. The millionaire also had a beautiful daughter who was single.

One day he decides to throw a huge party, and during the party he announces, "My dear guests . . . I have a proposition to every man here. I will give one million dollars or my daughter to the man who can swim across this pool full of alligators and emerge alive!" 

As soon as he finished his last word, there was the sound of a large splash!! There was one guy in the pool swimming with all he could and screaming out of fear. The crowd cheered him on as he kept stroking as though he was running for his life. Finally, he made it to the other side with only a torn shirt and some minor injuries. The millionaire was impressed. 

He said, "My boy that was incredible! Fantastic! I didn't think it could be done! Well I must keep my end of the bargain. Do you want my daughter or the one million dollars?" 

The guy says, "Listen, I don't want your money, nor do I want your daughter! I want the person who pushed me in that water!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Identity crisis...

A wild-eyed man, dressed in a Napoleonic costume and hiding his right hand inside his coat, entered the psychiatrist's office and nervously exclaimed, "Doctor, I need your help right away."

"I can see that," retorted the doctor. "Lie down on that couch, and tell me your problem."

"I don't have any problem," the man snapped. "In fact, as Emperor of France, I have everything I could possibly want: money, women, power--everything! But I'm afraid my wife, Josephine, is in deep mental trouble."

"I see," said the psychiatrist, humoring his distraught patient. "And what seems to be her main problem?"

"For some strange reason," answered the unhappy man, "she thinks she's Mrs. Schwartz."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man and his girlfriend were ...

A man and his girlfriend were out to dinner one night. The waiter tells them the night's special is chicken almondine and fresh fish.

 

"The chicken sounds good, I'll have that," the woman says.
The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks.
"Oh, he'll have the fish," she replies

 

Edited January 23, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A man wrote a letter to the IRS...

A man wrote a letter to the IRS: “I have been unable to sleep knowing that I have cheated on my income tax. I understated my taxable income and have enclosed a check for $200.00. If I still can’t sleep, I will send the rest.”

[worldangel]

Joke: I walked in to our house to find ...

I walked in to our house to find my wife and children all standing at the front door talking to a middle-aged woman. 

"Hello, all," I announced. 

My kids ran to me and told me the lady was from 'Sesame something'. 

"The census bureau?" I asked. 

"Yeah! How did you know?" they shouted excitedly. 

"I know EVERYTHING!" I said not divulging that I had read about the door to door visits in the paper. 

So we all walked up to the lady, and I told her that these children were from Cuba and that she should take them away. "Maybe they can get jobs picking sugar cane?" I asked. 

My kids laughed, the lady just looked at me and my wife hit me. 

"Um, for 'race'" I continued, "you can put us down as 'Black Irish'." 

My kids laughed, the census taker didn't, my wife hit me. 

"OK," I said, "strike two and I'm out. I'm gonna go take a dump." 

My kids laughed, the census taker laughed, my wife hit me.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Try To Get Some Rest

A man had been driving all night and by morning was still far from his destination. He decided to stop at the next city he came to, and park somewhere quiet so he could get an hour or two of sleep. As luck would have it, the quiet place he chose happened to be on one of the city's major jogging routes. No sooner had he settled back to snooze when there came a knocking on his window. He looked out and saw a jogger running in place. 

"Yes?" 
"Excuse me, sir," the jogger said, "do you have the time?" The man looked at the car clock and answered, "8:15". The jogger said thanks and left. The man settled back again, and was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window and another jogger. 

"Excuse me, sir, do you have the time?" 
"8:25!" 

The jogger said thanks and left. Now the man could see other joggers passing by and he knew it was only a matter of time before another one disturbed him. To avoid the problem, he got out a pen and paper and put a sign in his window saying, "I do not know the time!" Once again he settled back to sleep. He was just dozing off when there was another knock on the window. 

"Sir, sir? It's 8:45!." 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Golden Saloon...

A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.

"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.

"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - even the urinal's gold!"

The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.

"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.

"Yes it is," bartender answers.

"Do you have huge golden doors?"

"Sure do."

"Do you have golden floors?"

"Most certainly do."

"What about golden urinals?"

There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Four old retired guys are walk

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Naples, Florida. They turned a corner and see a sign that says "Old Timers Bar - all drinks 10 cents."

They look at each other, and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, Gentlemen?"
There seemed to be a fully-stocked bar, so each of the men ask for a martini. In short order, the bartender serves up four iced martinis... Shaken, not stirred, and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please."
The four men stare at the bartender for a moment. Then look at each other... They can't believe their good luck.

They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." 

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They have each had two martinis and so far they've spent less than a dollar.

Finally one of the men says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime a piece?"
"I'm a retired tailor from Boston," the bartender said, "and I always wanted to own a bar.

Last year I hit the Lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime - wine, liquor, beer, it's all the same."
"Wow! That's quite a story," says one of the men. The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn't help but notice seven other people at the end of the bar who didn't have drinks in front of them, and hadn't ordered anything the whole time they were there.

One man gestures at the seven at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "Oh, they're all old retired farts from Pennsylvania. They're waiting for happy hour when drinks are half price."

[worldangel]

Joke: This duck walks into a convenience store ...

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?"
The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes!

I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?"

The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A completely inebriated man was...

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. 

A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."

Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."

Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Women and Men...

WOMEN
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.

Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

MEN

Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy walked into a little corner

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted, behind the counter on the shelf.

 

He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21."The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

 

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

 

 

Edited January 23, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A man was walking down the beach..

A man was walking down the beach when he noticed a cave. He walked in and looked around only to discover a magic lamp buried in the sand.
He rubbed it and a genie came out and said, " You may have 3 wishes but whatever u wish for all the lawyers in the world will get double." The man agreed and said, " i want a million dollers." He got that and the lawyers got 2 million.

Next he said, " i want a ferrari." So he got one and all the lawyers got 2. Next, being his last wish, he took a minute and thought about it carefully.
Finally he said," Well I've always wanted to give a kidney."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: How to Get Across The River

A blonde once got lost near a river. She travelled up and down it searching for a way to get to the other side.

She tried walking in the shallow part of the river, and she even tried grabbing onto a branch that stretched half way across the river to try to swing to the other side. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't get across.

After many failed attempts, she finally felt like giving up. Yet, at the last moment, she saw a person walking by and decided to follow her--across the bridge.

[worldangel]

Joke: Adam & Eve

 

Isn’t it amazing that they had computers way back in the time of Adam and Eve?

Eve had an apple, and Adam had a Wang!

 

Edited January 23, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Wrong Solution

The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog.

The war-weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The French woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans! You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" 

The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. 

Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The French woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!" 

The soldier didn't say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. 

An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A sister and brother are talking...

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise." 

The Grandpa says, "No."
The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."
So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'." The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney Worl

[worldangel]

Joke: A sister and brother are talking...

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise." 

The Grandpa says, "No."
The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."
The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise."
So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother 'no' and I'm telling you 'no'." The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise." The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!"

[worldangel]

Joke: An elderly couple is vacationing ...

An elderly couple is vacationing in the West. Sam always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, wears them home, walking proudly. He walks into their room and says to his wife, "Notice anything different, Bessie?"

Bessie looks him over. "Nope."

Sam says excitedly, "Come on, Bessie, take a good look. Notice anything different about me?"

Bessie looks again. "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different?"

Bessie looks up and down and says, "Sam, what's different? It was hanging down yesterday, it's hanging down today and it will be hanging down tomorrow!"

Furious, Sam yells, "And do you know why its hanging down, Bessie? It's hanging down because it's looking at my new boots!"

Bessie replies, "Should'a bought a hat, Sam!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Proudly showing off his new apartment ...

Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong.

"What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied.
"A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup" replied the drunk.

"How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it.
"Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "You friggin' IDIOT!...it's ten past three in the morning!"

[worldangel]

Joke: An elderly man and woman meet ...

An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment. After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.

The old man is thinking... "Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her."

The old lady is thinking... "Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bridegroom & Bride

Bridegroom: "Dear, we've been back from the Caribbean for a month now. We've been in our apartment now for nearly a month. Isn't it time we were alone?"

Bride: "But darling, we are alone, aren't we?" 
Bridegroom: "What I mean is, when can we get your mother out of here?" 

Bride: "MY mother? I thought she was YOUR mother!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke Maurice, an old man

Maurice an 82 year-old man went to the doctor for his physical.
A few days later the doctor saw Maurice walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

A couple of days later do doctor spoke to Maurice and said, “You’re really dong great, aren’t you?”

Maurice replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc: “Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”

The doctor said, “I did not say that. I said, “You got a heart murmur. Be careful.”