Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunken Clothing Bill

George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shitfaced.

After about three hours of guzzling liquor, George threw up all over his shirt.

"Shit!" he said. "The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"

Bill, George's best pal, gave George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.

"All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door," Bill said. "

Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."

When George got home, his wife was waiting for him in the living room. "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!" she said.

George replied, "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."

His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.

"Is that so?" she said. "Then where did the other $20 bill come from?"

"Oh, that's from the guy who crapped in my pants," George said.

[worldangel]

Joke: The Tomato Garden

An old man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his Tomato garden but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincenzo, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.

Dear Vincenzo - I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.

I am getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the garden for me.

Love, Papa.

A few days later he received a letter from his son...

Dear Papa - I'd do anything for you Papa, except dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie.

At 4 am the next morning, FBI and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies.

They apologized to the old man and left. The same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa - Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love, Vinnie.

[worldangel]

Joke: Bathroom Confusion

A man is sitting on a public toilet when the guy in the stall next to him says, “Hi, how are you?”

“Um, fine,” answers the man.

“What are you up to?” asks the other guy.

“I’m traveling,” the first guy says hesitantly.

“Mind if I stop over?”

“What? Why the hell would you do that?”

“Hey, I’ll call you back,” says the other guy. “The dipshit in the next stall keeps talkin’ to me.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Looking for a Good Man

A lady places a personal ad in the paper that reads, “Looking for a man who won’t beat me, won’t run out on me, and is good in bed.”

Days later her doorbell rings, and she opens the door to find a man with no arms or legs.

“I’m here in response to your personal ad,” he says. “I don’t have arms, so I can’t beat you.

And I don’t have legs, so I can’t run out on you.”

“But I need a good lover too,” she replies.

“I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”

Edited April 16, 2009 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Negative Reinforcement

Young Justin has a cursing problem, and his father is getting tired of it. So he decides to ask a shrink what to do.

The shrink says, “Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas is coming up, ask Justin what he wants from Santa.

If he curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of each gift he requests.”

Two days before Christmas, Justin’s father asks him what he wants for Christmas.

“I want a damn teddy bear lying beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs, I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree.

And when I go outside, I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.”

On Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walks downstairs and sees another pile under the tree.

He walks outside, looks at a huge pile of dog poo by the garage, and walks inside. His dad smiles and asks, “What did Santa bring you this year?”

Justin replies, “I think I got a goddamn dog, but I can’t find the son of a bitch!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Fatal Attraction

A blonde who suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her goes out and buys a gun.

She goes to his apartment unexpectedly, opens the door, and, sure enough, finds him naked in the arms of a redhead.

Well, now she’s angry. She opens her purse and takes out the gun.

But as she does so, she is overcome with grief and points the gun at her own head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don’t do it."

"Shut up," she says. "You’re next."

[worldangel]

Joke: Circumcision Mistake

A man enters the hospital for a circumcision.

When he comes to after the procedure, he’s perturbed to see several doctors standing around his bed.

“Son, there’s been a bit of a mix-up,” admits the surgeon.

“I’m afraid there was an accident, and we were forced to perform a sex-change operation. You now have a vagina instead of a penis.”

“What!” gasps the patient. “You mean I’ll never experience another erection?”

“Oh, you might,” the surgeon reassures him. “Just not yours.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Man With an Earring

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Fast Service

A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated.

An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

"I want to get screwed," said the man.

"OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot," answered the voice.

The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed. Minutes passed and nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.

"Hey," exclaimed the sport, "I want to get screwed!"

"What?" said the voice, "Again?"

[worldangel]

Joke: My testicles

A man is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young nurse appears to sponge his hands and feet.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "

I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet".

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in her other hand and takes a close look, and says "There is nothing wrong with them!"

Finally, the man pulls off his oxygen mask and replies, "That was very nice but, are... my... test... results... back?

[worldangel]

Joke: Some rubbers

A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some rubbers. The cashier asks, "What size?"

The man replies, "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes."

"Yes, they do," she says, "What size do you want?"

"Well, gee, I don't know," the man answers.

The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure his dick by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence.

While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it.

When they return, the cashier asks, "What will it be? Small, medium, or large?"

The man replies, "To hell with the rubbers, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!"

[worldangel]

Joke: On Top

There were three women who were at the gynecologist having pre-natal checkups.

The doctor asked the first woman "in what position was the baby conceived?"

"He was on top ", she replied. You will have a boy!" the doctor exclaimed.

The second woman was asked the same question. "I was on top ", was the reply.

"You will have a baby girl." said the doctor.

With this, the third women, a blonde, burst into tears. "What's the matter?" asked the doc.

"Am I going to have puppies?”.....

[worldangel]

Joke: Funeral Cruises

A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea.

She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died.

The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much.

After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him.

"Henry," she said, "you know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat."

"And Henry," she said, "you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!"

"And Henry," she continued, "you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream."

"Oh, and Henry," she said, "you know that blow job you always wanted?" and she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea . . .

[worldangel]

Joke: Eye examination

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination.

They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes.

In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."

[worldangel]

Joke: Oral Sex

A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex.

He asked, "How often should you have it?"

His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time, and maybe do it several times a day.

Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so.

Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month.

When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year, maybe on your anniversary.

The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and grandma now?"

His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."

"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked.

"Well," grandpa said, "she goes to bed in her room, and I go to bed in my room.

And she yells, 'fxxk you', and I holler back, 'fxxk you too.' "

[worldangel]

Joke: Gold Medalist

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband."

She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."

"How so?"

"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."

[worldangel]

Joke: Who’s this guy?

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter.

Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

[worldangel]

Joke: I am your husband

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 O'clock in the morning, a resounding noise came form outside...

The woman, sort of bewildered, jumps up from the bed and yells at the man: Shit!, that must be my husband!?

So the guy quickly got out of bed , scared, and naked.

He jumped out the window like a crazy man, smashed himself on the ground, went through a thorn bush, then he stood up and started to run fast to his car.

Just a few minutes later he returns and tells the woman: I'm your husband, you slut!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: Businessman and an Escort

Prosperous and somewhat amorous businessman propositioned a beautiful chorus girl of well-proportioned figure to spend the night with him for $500.

When he was ready to leave the next morning, certain things having transpired, he told her he didn't have that much money with him, but would have his secretary mail her a check for it, made out with a memo of RENT FOR APARTMENT, to avoid any embarrassment.

On the way to the office, however, after thinking the matter over carefully, he decided the night hadn't been worth what he’d agreed to pay.

As a result, he had his secretary send a check for $250 instead, and enclosed the following explanatory note:

Dear Madam:

"Enclosed is a cheque for the amount of $250 for rent on your apartment. I am sending this amount instead of the amount originally agreed upon, because when I rented this apartment, I was under the impression that...

1. It had never been occupied

2. There was plenty of heat

3. It was small

Last night, I found that it had been occupied many times, that there wasn't any heat, and that it was entirely too large!"

Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check, with this note:

"I am returning the check for $250. I cannot understand how you could expect such a beautiful apartment to remain unoccupied. As for the heat... there is plenty of it there if you know how to turn it on. As for the size, it's not my fault if you didn't have enough furniture to furnish it."

[worldangel]

Joke: That's ONE way to ensure loyalty

A son takes his ill father to the doctor. After a thorough examination, the doctor advises that the father is dying of cancer.

On the way home from the hospital, the father tells his son that he has had a good, long life and wants to stop at the bar on the way home to celebrate. Surprised, the son reluctantly agrees.

While at the bar, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying from AIDS.

When his friends leave, the son says, "Dad, you're dying of cancer. Why did you tell them that you are dying of AIDS?"

The father replies, "It's rather simple, son... I don't want my friends fxxking your mother after I'm gone!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Best Blowjob

This guy goes into a whore house and says he wants the best blowjob he can get for $100.

The madam says go to the room take off all your clothes and we will be with you as soon as possible.

So he goes to the room and takes off all of his clothes and a few minutes later a fine hooker comes in the room.

She gives him a blowjob and he busts a nut and then she reaches under the bed and pulls out a jar and spits in it.

He says will you do that again if I give you another $100.

She says sure. He gives her another $100 and she gives him another blowjob and he busts even a bigger nut this time.

She pulls out the jar again and spits in it. He asks what the jar was for and she says "I have a bet with the girl across the hall whoever fills up their jar first gets to drink them both".

[worldangel]

Joke: Pepper

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.

The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you’ve sneezed and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently!

Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"

The woman replies, "I’m sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I’ve never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

[worldangel]

Joke: Husband Wife Friends

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Doctors

The first Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Artists, they are so colorful: red Hearts, pink Stomachs, green Spleens."

The next Doctor says: "Me, I love doing surgery on Accountants, open them up and all their Parts are numbered, makes it very easy.”

The third Doctor says: "I love doing surgery on Lawyers, they have no Heart, they have no Guts and the Head and the Ass are interchangeable!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Headache

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief.

After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.

The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.

"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...."

He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know.

But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles.

This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex.

When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head.

Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".

[worldangel]

Joke: Only Three Doors

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city.

Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing.

He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened.

She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Old-Timer Loving

A ninety-year-old man living in a rest home was granted a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar, sat at the end, and ordered a drink.

He noticed a seventy-year-old woman at the other end of the bar, and told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink.

As the evening progressed, the old man joined the lady, and they went to her apartment, where they got stinky and wrinkly.

Four days later, the old man noticed that he had developed a drip, and headed to the rest home doctor.

After careful examination the doctor asked the old man if he had engaged in sex recently. The old man said, “Sure!”

The doctor asked if he could remember who the woman was and where she lived.

“Sure, why?” asked the old man.

“Well you’d better get over there,” replied the doctor, “You’re about to come!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Drink Before it Starts

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife, “Get me a beer before it starts.”

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Fifteen minutes later, the man says, “Get me another beer before it starts.”

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him.

He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, “Quick, get me another beer, it’s going to start any minute.”

The wife is furious. She yells at him, “Is that all you’re going to do tonight? Drink beer and sit in front of that TV? You’re nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore…”

The man sighs and says, “It started...”

[worldangel]

Joke: A Few Days Apart

A man left for work one Friday afternoon. But, since it was payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck.

When he finally appeared at home Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him. “How would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

To which he replied: “That would be fine with me.”

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

[worldangel]

Joke: Bastard with a Hammer

A judge working a double-homicide case tells the defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”

“You bastard!” yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.

“You’re also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer,” says the judge.

“Bastard!” the same person yells.

The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom. “Sir, one more outburst and I’ll charge you with contempt.”

“I’m sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this bastard’s neighbor for 10 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

[worldangel]

Joke: A Girl's Best Friend

Bill meets Doug shopping at the mall and sees he has a small gift-wrapped box in his hand.

"It's my wife's birthday tomorrow." Doug said. "Last week I asked her what she wanted for her birthday."

"And?" Bill asked.

"Well, she said, 'Oh, I don't know, just give me something with diamonds on it'."

"So what did you end up getting her?" asked Bill.

"I bought her a deck of cards!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Tease Overseas

A newlywed sailor is informed by the navy that he’s going to be stationed a long way from home on a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years.

A few weeks after he gets there he really starts to miss his new wife, so he writes her a letter.

"My darling," he writes, "it looks like we’re going to be apart for a very long time.

Already I’m starting to miss you and we’re constantly surrounded by young, attractive native girls.

The temptation’s terrible. I need some kind of hobby to keep my mind off them."

His wife sends him back a harmonica with a note reading, "Why don’t you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty comes to an end and he rushes back to his wife.

"Darling" he says, "I can’t wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"

But she stops him with a wave of her hand. "First, let’s see how well you play that harmonica."

[worldangel]

Joke: Stench of Death

A U.S. Customs agent and her dog are on a plane. After it takes off, the agent turns to the dog and commands, “Sniff.”

The K-9 trots down the aisle and sits next to a teenager. It then returns to the woman and puts one paw on her arm.

“Is that dog checking for drugs?” asks a man sitting beside her.

“Yes he is. He just found someone carrying marijuana,” she explains. “We’ll arrest him upon arrival.”

“Wow!” replies the man.

She again commands the dog to sniff. It trots back down the aisle and moments later races back and craps all over the place.

“What happened?” yells the man.

The agent screams, “He just found a bomb!”

[worldangel]

Joke: What Does That Mean?

One day, a mother told her son, "We are having guests and I want you to answer the door for them, so plan on a polite speech to say to them when they arrive." So the boy walks around the house looking for advice.

First, he goes to his sister's room and sees her reading a book about bitches and bastards, he asks her, "What does that mean?" and she replies, "Oh, it's just another word for ladies and gentlemen."

Then he goes to his brother's room and finds him watching a television program call dicks and arses, he asks his brother, "What does that mean?" and he replies, "Oh, it's just another word for coats and jackets."

Then the boy goes into his Mum's room and sees her putting cream on her face, she scratches herself and says, "Shit!" outloud, the boy then asks his Mum, "What does that mean?" and his Mum replies, "Oh, it's just another word for putting cream on your face."

Finally, the boy goes downstairs to the kitchen and finds his Dad carving the turkey, he cuts his finger and cries outloud, "fxxk!" the boy then asks, "What does that mean?" and his Dad replies, "Oh, it's just another word for cutting the turkey.

Eventually, when the guests arrive the little boy answers the door and says, "Dear bitches and bastards, please put your dicks and arses on the coat rack, Mum's smearing shit on her face and Dad's fxxking the turkey."

[worldangel]

Joke: Natural Viagra

A man walks up to his house and notices his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

“Grandpa, what are you doing?” he exclaims.

The old man looks off in the distance without answering.

“Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?” he asks again.

The old man slowly looks at him and says, “Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma’s idea.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The Clever Defendant

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was saying to his lawyer, "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined."

"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.

"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" asked the defendant.

"Oh no!" said the lawyer. "This judge is a stickler for ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you.

He might even find you in contempt of the court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge."

Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant.

As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked."

"I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them," said the lawyer.

"But I did send them," said the defendant.

"What?! You did?"

"Yes, That's how we won the case."

"I don't understand," said the lawyer.

"It's easy. I sent the cheapest cigars that I could find to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Lawyer's Vacation Lover

For three straight years, a young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at the same country inn, several times per year.

During his last visit he'd finally managed to seduce the innkeeper's gorgeous daughter, so he could wait to go there again.

Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.

There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!

"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?" he cried.

"I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!"

"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about us and that I was pregnant, we sat up all night talking and talking and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."

[clementi]

Joke: Want a day off work?

So you want a day off. Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away fron work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a 1 hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work.

We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!

[clementi]

Joke: Have a life after death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on.

"After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you.

[clementi]

Joke: The last day working

"You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When......"

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.

A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn". Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.

While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.

You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?".

You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

[clementi]

Joke: A man is almost about to die

As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife, "I cannot die without telling you the truth.

I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage.

All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women.

And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them."

His wife looked at him calmly and said, "Why do you think I gave you the poison?"

[worldangel]

Joke: An Actor's Last Chance

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines.

After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose.

You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say theline 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Playing Doctor

A mother picks up her six-year-old daughter from school and asks her what she did today.

"I met a boy named Darren and we played doctor together," replied the girl. "I was the patient."

Concerned by this but trying not to sound too alarmed, the mother calmly asked her daughter what Darren did to her when he was playing doctor.

"Well, he made me wait for almost an hour and then double-billed my insurance company."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Guiding Voice

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice in his head, which tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.

But the next day, the same thing happens: The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

Again the man ignores the voice, but he’s becoming increasingly upset, and the third time he hears the voice, he succumbs to the pressure.

He quits his job, sells his house, takes his money, and heads to Las Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrah’s."

He hops in a cab and rushes over to the casino, where the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table."

The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."

Nervously, the man cashes in all his money for chips and then puts them on 17.

"Now watch," says the voice.

The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel.

Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21.

The voice says, "Shit..."

[worldangel]

Joke: Donate for Money

A man and a woman are standing in a really long line at a hospital donation center. Bored, the man decides to strike up a conversation.

“Long line, huh?” says the man. “What are you donating?”

“Blood,” the woman replies. “They pay 10 bucks a pint.”

“I’m donating my sperm,” says the man. “They pay $25 an ounce.”

A couple of weeks later, the man and woman meet again in the same line.

“Hi there,” says the man. “Donating some more blood?”

The woman shakes her head and mumbles, “Mmm-unnh!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Bitter Wife's Revenge

After 17 years of marriage, a man dumped his wife for a younger woman.

Their downtown luxury apartment was in his name and he wanted to remain there with his new love, so he asked the wife to move out and told her that he would buy her another place.

The wife agreed to this, but asked that she be given 3 days on her own there, to pack up her things.

While he was gone, the first day she lovingly put her personal belongings into boxes and crates and suitcases.

On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.

On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their candlelit dining table, soft music playing in the background, and feasted on a pound of shrimp and a bottle of chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each room and deposited a few of the resulting shrimp shells into the hollow shaft of the curtain rods.

She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

The husband came back with his new girl and all was bliss for the first few days. Then it started, slowly but surely.

Clueless, the man could not explain why the place smelled so bad. They tried everything -- cleaned & mopped and aired the place out.

Vents were checked for dead rodents, carpets were steam cleaned, Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in, the carpets were replaced, and on it went.

Finally, they gave up and decided to move.

The moving company arrived and did a very professional packing job, taking everything to their new home -- including the curtain rods!

[worldangel]

Joke: Dirty Dentist

A woman goes into a dentist’s office, and after her examination, the dentist says, “I’m sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.”

Horrified, the woman replies, “Oh, no! I’d rather have a baby.”

To which the dentist replies, “Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair either way.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Start Over Again

A man arrives home from work at the usual time of 5 p.m. His wife immediately begins yelling at him for no reason.

After two hours of her complaining, he turns to her and says, “Honey, why don’t I go outside, pretend I just came home, and we can start over again.”

“Fine,” she agrees. “That might help.”

The husband goes outside, then comes back in and announces, “Honey, I’m home!”

“Where the hell have you been?” she yells back. “It’s after seven!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Law Firm Interview

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.

Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken.

It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each candidate aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?

Only seconds after talking to them both, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside after the interview. "I don't understand why I was rejected.

When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients.

What in the world did you tell him?"

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Paul replies.

"Your hands? What do you mean?"

"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"

[clementi]

Joke: Clock Store

A man walks into a watch and clock store, unzips his trousers and slaps his cock on the counter.

The woman behind the counter doesn't bat an eyelid.

She looks him straight in the eye and says "Put that away Sir, this is a clock shop - not a cock shop!"

"Well," replies the man, "Why don't you put two hands and a face on it?"