Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Embarrassing Compulsion...

A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender's face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I'm really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can't tell you how embarrassing it is to have a compulsion like this."

Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem.

"I happen to have the name of a psychoanalyst," the bartender said. "My brother and my wife have both been treated by him, and they say he's as good as they get."

Six months later, the man was back.

"Did you do what I suggested?" the bartender asked, serving a glass of white wine.

"I certainly did," the man said. "I've been seeing the psychoanalyst twice a week." He took a sip of the wine, then he threw the remainder into the bartender's face.

The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. "The doctor doesn't seem to be doing you any good," he sputtered.

"On the contrary," the man claimed, "he's done me world of good."

"But you threw the wine in my face again!" the bartender exclaimed.

"Yes," the man replied. "But it doesn't embarrass me anymore."

[worldangel]

Joke: Language

Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile house at the Bronx Zoo and there are snakes slithering all over the place.

Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he can't get them back in their cages. Finally he says, "Quick, call a lawyer!"

"A lawyer? Why??"

"We need someone who speaks their language!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Typical male...

A couple was relating their vacation experiences to a friend. "It sounds as if you had a great time in Texas," the friend observed. "But didn't you tell me you were planning to visit Colorado?"

"Well," the husband said, "we changed our plans because, uh..."

His wife cut in, "Oh, tell the truth, Fred!" He feel silent, and she continued,

"You know, it's just ridiculous. Fred simply will NOT ask for directions."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Identify The Problem


A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not getting many.

Then, he discovered the problem; a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, "SPEED TRAP AHEAD".

The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign painted "TIPS" and a bucket of change.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Shooting The Bull

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a fool proof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call. Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."

 After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?" The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A compliment....

Bob was sitting at the table one morning, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player known for his lack of IQ.

He turned to his wife and said, "I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

She replied, "Why, thank you, Dear!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Worst Age


"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. 
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!" 

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!" 

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!" 
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old. 
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all." 

"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old. "No, I crap every morning at 6:30." 

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Southwest


A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?" 

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess. 

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?" 
The boy said, "yes she did." 

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."

[worldangel]

Joke: Stopped for speeding...

A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place . . . The man says, 'What's the problem, Officer?'
Officer: 'You were going at least 75 in a 55-zone.'

Man: 'No Sir, I was going 65.'

Wife: 'Oh, Harry, you were going 80.' (The man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Officer: 'I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.'

Man: 'Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!'

Wife: 'Oh, Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.' (The man gives his wife another dirty look.)

Officer: 'I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seatbelt.'

Man: 'Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.'

Wife: 'Oh, Harry, you never wear your seatbelt.'

The man turns to his wife and yells, 'SHUT YOUR MOUTH!'

The Officer turns to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?'

The wife says, 'No, only when he's been drinking!!!'

[worldangel]

Joke: Skinny Dippers

Ron, an elderly man in Australia, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back.

It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A little head

A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.

The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."

"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.

"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes."

"Keep going!"

I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have three wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

"What next?" begged the bartender.

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!

Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Comparing Childhood Surgeries

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"

The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."

The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream.

It's a breeze!"

The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"

The first kid says, "A circumcision."

The second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Got Nuts?

A girl walks into a grocery store and asks the stock boy if he has any nuts.

The guy says, "No, ma'am."

She says, "Well, do you have any dates?"

And he says, "Ma'am, if I don't have nuts, do you really expect me to have dates?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Rotten luck...

A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in 'Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"

A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests, "I don't know... why don't you play your age?"

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe she won! He rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd. The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.

The man is stunned. He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"

The operator replies, "I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Match

A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store. "Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. "Tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?" 

"You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?" 
"Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a Match." 
'Match? Never heard of it." 

"Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, taking a match and striking it on his pants." 
"Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Sam." 
"Well, why not?" 

"I can't be walking twelve miles to borrow your pants every time I want a fire."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three men wanted to cross a river...

Three men wanted to cross a river. They had no idea how to cross it, so one man knelt down on his knees and prayed "Lord give me the power and strength the cross the river." suddenly the man became very strong and swam across the river.

 

The next man thought: if it worked for him, it'll work for me. So he knelt down and prayed "Lord give the skills and the strength to cross the river." the man built a canoe and rowed himself across the river.

 

The last man thought: if it worked for both of them, I know it'll work for me. So he also knelt down and prayed "Lord give me the wisdom and knowledge to cross the river." He turned into a woman and walked across the bridge.
 

Edited March 5, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: You look familiar

You look familiar, did I see you in the zoo parade ?
I think you may have seen me at the zoo, I was the one who was feeding you peanuts.

I understand that's Animal Magic is your favorite show because so many of your relatives are on it.

I know your trying to insult me, but I know you like me. I can see your tail wagging.

That's funny you calling me an animal, and it's you that has the webbed feet.

You look familiar too, but that's not surprising, I collect bugs for a hobby.

You look familiar too, have I ever seen you hanging by the tail from the tree in my garden ?

Didn't I dissect you in a biology class one time?

[worldangel]

Joke: Just like mom...

Manny is almost 29 years old. His friends have already gotten married, but Manny still just dates and dates.

Finally, a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together. "So, Manny, did you find that perfect girl yet--one that's just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes, I found one just like Mom. And my mother loved her, and they became fast friends."

So should I congratulate you? "Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A panda walks into a bar, sits...

A panda walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a sandwich. He eats, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, "Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn't pay for the food!"

 

The panda yells back, "Hey man, I'm a panda. Look it up!" The bartender opens his dictionary to panda, "A tree climbing mammal of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white colouring. Eats, shoots, and leaves."

 

Edited March 6, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Wet pussy

One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.

The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."

As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."

Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.

However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."

At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.

The moral of this story is: If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.

[worldangel]

Joke: A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic ...

A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission. He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, "Now that's addition."

 

In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, "Now that's subtraction." Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation. And both together smiled and said, "That's multiplication."

 

Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision. He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, "That's long division!"
 

Edited March 6, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A man walked into a bar and he...

A man walked into a bar and heard, "Great tie!" He looked around and seeing no one, he heard again, "Beautiful suit!"

 

Wondering what was going on, he saw the bartender walk up and said, "I heard a voice talking about my suit and tie, and that they looked cool, but no one's around. Dude, what's up?"

 

The bartender smiled, "Oh yeah, those are the peanuts. They're complimentary!"

 

Edited March 6, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The Big Bad Wolf

Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest.
Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!"

Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway.

The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!"

Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!"

"Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Match

A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store. "Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. "Tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?" 

"You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?" 
"Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a Match." 

'Match? Never heard of it." 
"Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, taking a match and striking it on his pants." 

"Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Sam." 
"Well, why not?" 

"I can't be walking twelve miles to borrow your pants every time I want a fire."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Magic Mirror

Three girls live together. Melissa is a born leader and smart. Kayla is very pretty and popular. Jessica is dumb. One day Melissa says to Kayla and Jessica," I think we should get a mirror." Kayla and Jessica Agree.

 

They go down to the trift shop and Melissa see's a beautiful mirror with a goldon trim. All of the girls love the mirror. Melissa goes up to the store keeper and asks to see the mirror. The store keeper replies, "I can't sell you that mirror.

 

There is a curse that says if anyone says a lie while looking in it they will disappear for ever!" Melissa didn't believe in this and went up to the mirror and said," I think I have the pretties shoes in this store!" And POOF! She disappears. Then Kayla goes up to the mirror and says, " I think I have the pretties shirt in the whole world!"

 

And POOF! She disappears! Then Jessica goes up to the mirror and says, "I think..." POOF! She disappears!

 

Edited March 6, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A man was well inebriated, but...

A man was well inebriated, but he got behind the wheel of his car anyway and began to drive home. Of course, he couldn't exactly drive straight or stay below the speed limit. Two policemen pulled him over and demanded a sobriety test.

 

They asked him to walk a straight line, and he failed. They began to take him with them, but suddenly they received a call on their walkie-talkies, asking them to go to another part of town. They asked the man to be patient while they called someone else to cover for them. But the man grew tired of waiting and, after a few minutes, drove home.

 

He got in bed and said to his wife, who had been waiting for him, "If any policemen come looking for me, tell them I'm not home yet." The wife agreed, somewhat confused and a little embarrassed. No sooner than her husband fell asleep did she hear a knock at the door. Sure enough, it was the two policemen.

 

They asked about her husband, and she replied that he wasn't home. Then they asked to check her garage. Puzzled, she agreed. She opened up the garage for them--and there sat the policemen's squad car, lights still flashing.
 

 

Edited March 6, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Death In The Family

One day, a blonde's neighbour goes over to her house, sees the blonde crying, and asks her what happened.
The blonde said that her mother had passed away.

The neighbour made her some coffee and calmed her down a little and then left.

The next day the neighbour went back over to the house and found the blonde crying again.

She asked her why she was crying this time.

The blonde said, "I just got off of the phone with my sister. Her mother died too!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Identify The Problem

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but was not getting many.

Then, he discovered the problem; a 10 year old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read, "SPEED TRAP AHEAD".

The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign painted "TIPS" and a bucket of change.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Turn signal...

On a recent flight I was on, this elderly woman kept peering out the window.

Since it was totally dark, all she could see was the blinking wing tip light.

Finally, she rang for the flight attendant.

"I'm sorry to bother you," she said, "but I think you should inform the pilot that his left-turn indicator is on and has been for some time."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Umbrella


A 90-year-old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" 

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then said, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the Creek, he saw a beaver sitting beside the stream. He raised his umbrella and went, 'bang, bang' and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?" 

The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that beaver." 
The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

[worldangel]

Joke: Fooling Around

One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

 

After dinner, George's dad took him aside, "Son, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, she's a wonderful wife and mother, but, she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot."

 

"Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her." George was broken-hearted. 

 

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June." Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half sister too, George. 

 

"I'm awfully sorry about this." George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared. 
"Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."

"Hee hee," his mother chuckled, shaking her head, "Don't pay any attention to what he says. He's not really your father."
 

Edited March 6, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Volunteer fire department...

A fire started on some grasslands near a farm. The county fire department was called to put out the fire. The fire was more than the county fire department could handle. Someone suggested that a nearby volunteer bunch be called. Despite some doubt that the volunteer outfit would be of any assistance, the call was made.

The volunteers arrived in a dilapidated old fire truck. They rumbled straight towards the fire, drove right into the middle of the flames and stopped! The firemen jumped off the truck and frantically started spraying water in all directions. Soon they had snuffed out the center of the fire, breaking the blaze into two easily-controlled parts.

Watching all this, the farmer was so impressed with the volunteer fire department's work and was so grateful that his farm had been spared, that right there on the spot he presented the volunteers with a check for $1,000. A local news reporter asked the volunteer fire captain what the department planned to do with the funds.

"That ought to be obvious," he responded, wiping ashes off his coat. "The first thing we're gonna do is get the brakes fixed on our fire truck!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny's class were on ...

Little Johnny's class were on an outing to their local police station where they saw pictures, of the ten most wanted men, tacked to a bulletin board.

 

On the way out of the police station Little Johnny said to the officer, "it was so nice of you to put my daddy's picture up there."

 

Edited March 7, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: One Last Confession

While a man was dying, his wife was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "I have something that I must confess," he said in a tired voice.

"There isn't anything to confess," replied his weeping wife. "Everything's ok. Go to sleep."

The man blurted out: "No, no, I must die in peace. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" 
"I know," whispered his wife, "that's why I poisoned you."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Charge By The Inch

Having had one too many, a bar drinker was beginning to display an ugly side.

An unescorted female sat down beside him and he whispered to her, "Hey ! How about it babe ? You and me ?"

As she got up to move, he said loudly, "Honey, you sure look like you could use the money, but I don't have an extra two dollars."

She looked back and replied just as loudly, "What makes you think I charge by the inch ?"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Why Did He Fire You?


Two neighbours were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?"

Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."

[worldangel]

Joke: Too Much Hunting

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my shotgun and the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to load the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. 

There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. 

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." 

She sleepily replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out hunting in that sh*t?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Preparing for Office Work

It’s been a couple of years since I actually worked in an office, so I thought I should do something to prepare to get back into the typing, filing and phone answering, and what not.

 

So what I did was I had a friend of mine go with me down to the local swimming pool, and I had him tie me up in a burlap sack and sink me to the bottom of the pool. And then just as I was about to suffocate, he yanked me up and gave me a lunch break.
 

Edited March 7, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Lions

Once upon a time, long, long ago there were two unique lions in the jungles of Africa. Both, it seems, had human-like qualities that made them claim territory, daring the other to cross over the line. Strange as it seems, the boundary between their turf was a well travelled trail through the jungle.
All day every day, both lions lay in the brush staring across the trail at their compatriot, daring him to cross into their territory.

The local natives knew of this animal feud, but all this was unbeknown to African Jack, a well-known and must publicized guide who did not speak Lionese and was unfamiliar with the territory.

While he was leading a safari through the jungle, walking all day and cutting vines with their machetes, all this constant hacking brush had them worn to a frazzle. After seeing two or three of his safari drop from exhaustion, African Jack decided to stop on the trail between these two lions and camp for the night.

After sitting up camp, eating, and getting his safari settled African Jack sat on a stump and began reading. While he was busily engaged in the printed page, the two lions, simultaneously, pounced on African Jack and ate him on the spot.

When the 6 o'clock news heard of the tragedy, they reported, “African Jack killed this evening. The motive is unclear, but it is reported he was reading between the lions.”

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Obviously inebriated?

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust.

At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.

After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle. He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left. He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped.

Finally, when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started to drive away.

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled the man over. He administered the breathalyzer test, and to his great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.

The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!" he exclaimed.

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I am the designated decoy!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: An obnoxious drunk stumbles in...

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way, buddy, you're too drunk."

A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom. Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time -- you're too drunk"

Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk"

The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: My dad

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.

"My name is Billy. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Tommy," replied the second.

"My Daddy's an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?"asked Billy.

Tommy replied, "My Daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Billy.

"No, just the regular kind", replied Tommy.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Women with duck

Women goes into a bar with a duck under her arm.
Bartenders says "what'll the pig have."

The woman says, "that's not a pig, that's a duck!".

I know says the bartender, "I was talking to the duck."

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost at Sea?

Yossi and Janine, an elderly couple, are sitting together on an aeroplane flying to the Far East.

 

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down in a few minutes time. The good news is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted - I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives.

 

"Yossi turns to Janine and asks, "Janine, dear, did we turn off the oven?" and Janine replies, "Of course." 

 

"Janine, are our life insurance policies paid up?" 
"Of course." 

 

"Janine, did we pay our pledge for the synagogue appeal?" 
"Oh my goodness, I forgot to send off the cheque." 

 

"Thank Heaven! They'll find us for sure!"

 

Edited March 7, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Pizza Sale

I saw a grown man once riding one of those weird stand-up scooters down the side of the road -- you have to tilt to make it move forward, I think it’s called a Segway or a Douchebag Way -- wearing a toga and holding a sign for a pizza sale.

 

My first thought was, Congrats, you’ve hit rock bottom. But my second thought was, if you took away just the sign, then that guy would rule.
 

 

Edited March 7, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

 

Joke: An explorer walked into a clearing...

An explorer walked into a clearing and was surprised to see a pigmy standing beside a huge dead elephant. "Did you kill that?" he asked. The pigmy answered: "Yes". "How could a little bloke like you kill something as huge as that?"

"I killed it with my club" replied the pigmy.

"That's amazing," said the explorer. "How big's your club?"
The pigmy replied: "There's about 150 of us"

[worldangel]

Joke: An old man goes into the Social...

An old man goes into the Social Security Office and fills out an application.

 

Too old to have a birth certificate, he is asked to prove he is old enough.

 

He opens his shirt and shows them the gray hair on his chest and they accept that as proof.

 

He goes home to his wife, shows her the check, and explains to her what has happened.

 

She replies, "Well get back down there, pull down your pants, and see if you can get disability!"
 

Edited March 7, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Cannot Undress

During her annual check-up, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. 

 

"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you." 
"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through." 

 

In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"

"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

 

Edited March 7, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Same colour

When Nancy bought half a dozen underwear for her husband Ned, Ned commented, "What made you buy the same colour honey? People may think I never change my undies."

Nancy asked, "which people?"
The silence was deafening!
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Experimental Pill


A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex. 

He gives her a pill but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that. 

About a week later she's back at the doctor and tells him, "The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said. 

It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table." 

The doctor says, "Oh dear -- I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill 
was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

The lady replied, "That's very kind - but I don't think the restaurant will let us back in anyway."