Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy gets on a plane and find...

A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. 
He immediately turns to her and makes his move.
"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, " What would you like to discuss?" 
"Oh, I don't know, "says the guy. 
"How about nuclear power?"

"OK," says the blonde. 
"That could be an interesting topic. 

But let me ask you a question first. 
A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. 
Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?" 

The guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea." 
"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?

[worldangel]

Joke: Childhood Sweethearts

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married & settled down in their old neighborhood. 

To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary they walk down to their old school. There, they hold hands as they find the desk they shared & where he had carved "I love you, Sally". 

On their way back home, a bag of money falls out of an armoured car practically at their feet. She quickly picks it up, & they don't know what to do with it so they take it home. There, she counts the money, & its fifty-thousand dollars. 

The husband says: "We've got to give it back". 
She says, "Finders keepers" & puts the money back in the bag & hides it up in their attic. 

The next day, two policemen are going from door-to-door in the neighbourhood looking for the money show up at their home. 

One knocks on the door & says: "Pardon me, but did either of you find any money that fell out of an armoured car yesterday?" 
She says: "No".. 

The husband says: "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." 
She says: "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

But the policemen sit the man down & begin to question him. 
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning." 
The old man says: "Well, when Sally & I were walking home from school yesterday ..." 

At this, the policeman looks at his partner & says: "We're outta here ..."

[worldangel]

Joke: As the plane was flying low over...

As the plane was flying low over some hills near Athens, a lady asked the stewardess: "What's that stuff on those hills?"


"Just snow," replied the stewardess. 


"That's what I thought," said the lady, "but this fellow in front of me said it was Greece."

[worldangel]

Joke: Hot Horseradish

A minister who was very fond of pure, hot horseradish always kept a bottle of it on his dining room table.

 

Once, at dinner, he offered some to a guest, who took a big spoonful. The guest let out a huge gasp.

 

When he was finally able to speak, he choked out, "I've heard many ministers preach hellfire, but you are the first one I've met who passes out a sample of it."

 

Edited March 11, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy was in a cave, looking for...

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out.

 

The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion."

 

 

 

The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars."

 

The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

 

Edited March 11, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Rowing Your Boat

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

[worldangel]

Joke: If she went out with me

A man had been out in the back woods for weeks, cutting logs. He was a bit scruffy and didn't smell very good. Finally he needed a break and came in to town for a few beers.

In the bar, he saw the local jock of the town's football team. He was bragging about his girlfriend and how she was lucky to have him for a boyfriend.

The lumberjack, after drinking six bottles of beer, was heard to say, "Buddy, if she went out with me, she'd never go out with you ever again."

To which the local jock replied, "Hey buddy, if she went out with you, she'd never go out with ANYONE ever again."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Mud bath

An elderly man goes into his doctor's office for an annual physical.

After a while, the doctor comes out and says: "I'm sorry, Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition that only allows you another six weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replies, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment, the doctor says: "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa to take a mud bath every day."

"And that will cure me?" Bill asks excitedly.

"No," replies the doctor: "but it will get you used to the dirt."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Trouble Sleeping


The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked. 

"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."

"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Black eye...

One night a man stumbled into the police station with a black eye. He claimed he had heard a noise in his back yard and went to investigate. The next he knew, he was hit in the eye and knocked out cold.

An officer was sent to his house to investigate, and he returned 1 1/2 hours later with a black eye.

"Did you get hit by the same person?" his captain asked.

"No," he replied. "I stepped on the same rake."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two old timers were talking after...

Two old timers were talking after church one day and the one asks the other, "So tell me brother, what did you think of the soul food this morning?"

 

The other replies, "The food was excellent but the service sucked!"

 

Edited March 12, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Wrong way....

As an older man was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on route 290. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Like Father, Like Son

Johnny was 14 and just started jerking off. He loved to jerk off.

However, one day his father walked in on him while he was jerking off. Johnny was so embarrassed.

He quickly pulled up his pants but his dad had already caught him.

His dad said "Johnny, doing that will make you go blind." "Dad, I'm over here," said Johnny

[worldangel]

Joke: There are 11 people hanging on...

There are 11 people hanging onto a rope that comes down from an airplane. 10 of them are blonde, and one is a brunette.

They all decide that one person should get off because if they don't, the rope will break and everyone will die.

No one can decide who should go, so finally the brunette delivers a very touching speech, ending with the words, "I'll get off."

The blondes, all moved by the brunette's speech, start clapping. Problem solved.

[worldangel]

Joke: Wandering Dog

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. 

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour.

This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: 'Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: 'He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Should have been here sooner!

An elderly couple were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your ocean side condo, over there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout the area."

"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadn't heard about all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Can I Take His Place?


An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. 

An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor. 
"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor. 

"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place." 
The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker." 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Public Restrooms for Guys

It’s not an enjoyable place. We get a urinal; we don’t get real estate. It’s a little, creepy urinal, right?

Ladies, you know what it feels like in the elevator when you’re in complete silence with a bunch of strangers? Now put your penis in your hand

[worldangel]

Joke: A game of baseball

St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game to be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the heavenly host and his own hand-picked boys.

"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But you realize, I hope, that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."

"I know, and that's all right," Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."

[worldangel]

Joke: Magic Window


Two guys are sitting at a bar.

"You know why I love this bar?" asks the first one.

"No," says the second guy. "Why do you love this bar?"

The first guy points at the window, which is six stories above the ground. "It has a magic window," he says. "You jump out of that window, and you can fly."

The second guy just shakes his head. "Shut up."

"No," says the first guy. "It really is a magic window. I'll prove it to you."

So the first guy gets down from his bar stool, runs at the window, jumps out of it, and flies. He flies around the building twice, up and down, and finally comes back in. He walks to his barstool, and takes a sip of his drink. "See?" he says.

The first guy looks confused. He looks at his drink. "I must be drunk," he says.

"Still don't believe me?" asks the second guy. "I'll show you again." He gets down from his stool, runs and jumps out of the window again. This time he performs some impressive aerial acrobatics, spins, flips, dives. When he finally comes back in, the second guy is staring at him, slack-jawed.

"Wow," says the second guy. "A magic window." He gets off his barstool, takes a running jump out of the window, and promptly plummets to his death. The first guy starts laughing.

The bartender comes over to the first guy with a stern look on his face. "Superman, you're a real asshole when you're drunk."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Computer Movers

Dick and Dirk are employed in a computer hardware store as movers.

One day both of them are asked to move some computers. Dick being energetic that day doesn't feel the computer to be heavy at all. At the same time he sees that Dirk is struggling very hard to lift his computer.

At this Dick says, "What Dirk, my comp has 500 MB HardDisk and yours has just 250, even then you cannot lift it ???"

At this Dirk thinks for a while and replies, "That’s right, but my HardDisk is full and yours is empty"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Two very elderly men were having...

Two very elderly men were having a conversation about sex.

Elmer says, "Yessir, I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!"

Leon replies, "You're kidding! I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?"

To which Elmer said, "Well, the secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread. I'm not kidding!"

So the second old man rushed to the store.

The clerk asks the old man, "May I help you?'

"Yes, I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please," said Leon.

"That's a lot of bread! It's sure to get hard before you're done!" the clerk remarked.

Leon replies, "Damn! Does everyone know about this except me?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Are you kidding?

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -- say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

[worldangel]

Joke: A lawyer died and arrived at ...

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. 

Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. 

The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" 

St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fellow shows up at work Monday...

Fellow shows up at work Monday morning with two black eyes. His boss, figuring the guy got in a fight at a bar asks him, "Where'd you get the shiners?"

"Got 'em both in church yesterday."

"In church!?! How in the world did you manage to get two black eyes in church?"

"Well, the preacher called a hymn and as we all stood up to sing, I noticed the lady standing in front of me. Her dress was sort of stuck in the crack of her ass, so I reached out and pulled it out for her. She turned around and slugged me in the right eye."

"Well, how'd you get the other one?"

"Well, I figured if she got that mad from me pulling the dress out of the crack of her ass, I'd better put it back."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I think...

There are three girls at a bar, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde.
They have a seat at the bar. The bar tender says, "If you go into the bathroom there is a mirror. Look into the mirror and tell anything in your life that you believe is true. If you are telling the truth then "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out, if you lie then "POOF" you'll disappear."

So the red head goes in first and stares deeply into the mirror and proclaims, "I think that i am the most beautiful woman in the world!", "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out.

Then the brunette goes in. "I think that i am the smartest woman in the world," "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out.

Now it's the blonde's turn. She slowly walks into the bathroom with her hands over her eyes and peeks between her fingers at the mirror. She waits... nothing happens... she is glad. She stands bravely and states, "I think... "POOF " she disappears.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: My Wife a Chicken

A man runs to the doctor and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me. My wife thinks she's a chicken!"

The doctor asks, "How long has she had this condition?"
"Two years," says the man.

"Then why did it take you so long to come and see me?" asked the shrink.
The man shrugs his shoulders and replies, "We needed the eggs."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: What if...

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there," answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station."

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Government Cuts Costs


The following conversation took place one morning between a wife and her husband. They were discussing government cost cuts that they recently heard about in the paper.

"Steve," his wife said, while reading the newspaper, "it looks like our government is going to cut overhead and trim down the military forces. They are going to eliminate six overaged destroyers."

To which the husband replies, "Sorry to hear that, dear. I'm sure you'll miss your mother being gone."

[worldangel]

Joke: Who Should Make the Coffee?

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. 

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here so you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee." Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides it says in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that! Show me."
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says, "HEBREWS."

[worldangel]

Joke: Talking Dog For Sale

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.

 

"Yep," the mutt replies. "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

 

I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired. "The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

 

The owner says "Ten dollars." The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?" The owner replies, "He's such a fucking liar."
 

Edited March 13, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Diaper change...

After a young couple brought their new baby home, the wife suggested that her husband should try his hand at changing diapers.

"I'm busy," he said, "I'll do the next one."

The next time came around and she asked again. The husband looked puzzled, "Oh! I didn't mean the next diaper. I meant the next baby...!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Dumb Horse


A guy car broke down. He pulled over to the side of the road. Luckily there was a farm nearby. He asked the farmer if he could help. The farmer said "sure just let me get my horse, Bruce. So they hooked the car up. The farmer called out to his horse, giddy-up Sonya! 

The horse didn’t move. Giddy-up Tonya! The horse didn’t move. Giddy-up Bruce! The horse moved. So when they got back they fixed the man’s car. The man said thank you and then asked the farmer why he called different names."

Well" the farmer started, "Bruce won't do anything if he knows he's the only one doing it."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tennis lesson

A lady goes in to take a tennis lesson, and the instructor notices she is using the wrong grip. After several failed attempts to correct her, he finally says "OK, just grip it like you do your husband's member".

After that, she immediately rips a couple of top spin winners down the line. The instructor says, "Wow that's great. Now just try taking the racket out of your mouth."

[worldangel]

Joke: A man is walking down the street...

A man is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandfather is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.

 

Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaims. The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer his grandson.

 

"Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asks again. The old man slyly looks at him and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"
 

 

Edited March 13, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The test...

Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company.

They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.

The manager went to the first applicant and said, "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant."

"And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the Department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

"Simple," said the Department manager, "Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Can I Smell Something

A guy goes into a bar and seats himself next to a hot looking woman. After a few drinks he musters the courage to talk to her. After a few more drinks and a little conversation he leans over to the woman and asks, "Can I smell your Pussy?"

The woman is outraged and answers with a stern, "Of course not!"

The drunk man replies......."

Oh, then it must be your feet."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A beautiful woman in her thirties...

A beautiful woman in her thirties was passing through customs in London, when the customs official asks her what the reason for her trip to London was.

Business or pleasure, he asks? 
Sadness and pleasure! She says to the officer! 
Why?

Well, my 75 years old husband has just died and I came to his funeral! 
My condolences, says the officer! 
It must be a very difficult and painful time you're going through! 

Not really, this is my pleasure! I'm so sad because only now I found out that he was dead broke and did not leave a dime, a penny, not even a Will for me!

[worldangel]

Joke: Joe had asked Bob to help him ...

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

[worldangel]

Joke: I Am Afraid Of That Tarmac


A motorway walks into a pub one day. He goes up to the bar and orders himself a drink. He just sits down when in walks a strip of tarmac. 

The motorway sees the tarmac and starts to panic so he jumps over the bar and ducks down so it won't see him. The barman looks down at him and says, "What's the matter with you? Why are you hiding? You've got six lanes and two hard shoulders. Why are you frightened of a piece of tarmac? 

The motorway replies, "You don't know him like I do. He's a cyclepath." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Shopping trip...

Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her purchases. "Cash, check or charge?" she asked, after folding the items Jennifer had bought. As Jennifer fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote with you?" the cashier inquired.

"No," she replied. "But my husband, Jeff, refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Dream


After she woke up, a woman told her husband, “I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?”

“You'll know tonight.” he said with a smile.
The woman could hardly think of anything else all day and she couldn't wait for her husband to return home.

That evening, the man finally came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it excitedly to find a book entitled… “The Meaning of Dreams”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tradition


Patrick walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room, drinking a sip out of each pint in turn. When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.

The barman says, “You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it . Your pints would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

Patrick replies, “Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin . When we all left home, we promised dat we'd drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder.”

The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.

Patrick becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way … ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn, until they are finished. One day, he comes in and orders just two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent. When he goes back to the bar for the second round, the barman says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss." Patrick looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, “Oh no,” he says,

Goodness, everyone is fine! Tis me … I've quit drinking!”

[worldangel]

Joke: All of my business

The young bride approached her awaiting husband on their wedding night and demanded $20 for their first love making encounter. In his highly aroused state, he readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love for the next 30 years, him thinking it was a cute way for her to buy new clothes, etc.

Arriving home around noon one day, she found her husband in a very drunken state. Over the next few minutes she heard of the ravages of financial ruin caused by corporate down-sizing and it's effects on a 50 years old executive.

Calmly, she handed him a bank book showing deposits and interest for 30 years totalling nearly $1 million dollars. Pointing across the parking lot, she gestured toward the local bank while handing him stock certificates worth nearly $2 million dollars and informing him that he was the largest stockholder in the bank.

She told him that for 30 years she had charged him each time they had sex, and this was the result of her investments.

By now he was distraught and beating his head against the side of the car.

She asked him why the disappointment at such good news and he replied, "If I had known what you were doing, I would have given you all of my business!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Purchasing The Shoes


A shoeseller meets a mathematician and complains that he does not know what size shoes to buy. "No problem," says the mathematician, "there is a simple equation for that," and he shows him the Gaussian normal distribution.

 

The shoeseller stares some time at het equation and asks, "What is that symbol?" "That is the Greek letter pi." "What is pi?" "That is the ratio between the circumference and the diameter of a circle."

 

Upon this the shoeseller cries out: "What does a circle have to do with shoes?!"
 

 

Edited March 14, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Recently on a routine police ...

Recently on a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn, and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police Station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."

[worldangel]

Joke: Foreman

One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened.
“You know what a foreman is?” he asked. “The one who stands around and watches the other men work?”

“What's that got to do with it?” he asked.

“Well, he just got jealous of me,” Uncle Joe explained. “Everyone thought I was the foreman.”

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Hot new doc

Dirty Harry went to a new doctor, only to find that the new doc was a good looking blonde female. He gaped at her and then felt embarrassed.

The lady doctor said, "There's nothing to worry, you are with a professional. I have seen it all before, just tell me your problem and I will check you up."

Dirty Harry thought quickly and said, "My missus thinks that my rod tastes funny."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A matter of seconds

Danny quizzes his friend Sandy, "Tell me, what similarities do you find in a burnt toast and your pregnant girlfriend?

Sandy answers, "This one's easy. In both cases, you wonder why you did not withdraw couple of seconds earlier!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Bought A Porsche

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." 
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." 
So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. 

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy." I don't know her name--they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." 

"Oh No," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." 

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. 

 

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."