Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Stopped Smoking Reefer

I stopped smoking reefer because I started thinking, if great men throughout history had smoked reefer, no tellin what would have happened.

 

Like if somebody like Martin Luther King Jr. had smoked reefer, he would have been giving speeches like, I had a dream, but the hell if I could remember what it was about. It was either about freedom or Fritos.
 

 

Edited March 15, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: There was this guy who went to...

There was this guy who went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled.

First off the dentist said, "I'll give you a shot to numb your jaw."

But the guy said, "No, please don't do that, I'm afraid of needles."

The dentist said, "OK, I'll get out the gas to put you to sleep."

However the guy said, "Nope, I'm allergic to the gas."

So the dentist said, "Just a minute, I'll go look for something else."

After awhile he came back with a couple of pills.

The guy asked, "What kind of pills are those?"

The dentist said, "Viagra."

The guy said, "WHAT! Why these?"

The dentist said, "They won't help the pain, but they'll give you something to hang on to while I pull your tooth."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Very fat

Mrs. Bubba to Mr. Bubba : You have become very fat.

Mr. Bubba : You have also become very fat.

Mrs. Bubba : But I am going to be a mother!

Mr. Bubba: So what? Even I am going to be a father!!

[worldangel]

 

Joke: One day a little girl came home...

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, "Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn't do."

The mother exclaimed, "But that's terrible! I'm going to have a talk with your teacher about this ... by the way, what was it that you didn't do?"
The little girl replied, "My homework."

[worldangel]

Joke: Why do you do that, Mom?

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, Mom?"

"To make myself beautiful," she answered. She then began to remove the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" Johnny started. "Giving up?"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Emergency Kit

Josh was helping Sally, the blonde, clean out the trunk of her car. Inside, he noticed a bag labeled "Emergency Repair Kit". Looking at it a little closer, he noticed a stick of dynamite inside.
Thinking that was a bit strange, he asked Sally what it was for.

She said, "It's part of my emergency repair kit."

Josh said, "I can see that, but why?"

Sally replied, "In case I have a flat and need to blow up one of my tires."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Training The Blonde


An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in another city, so upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened to her. She answered the phone, sobbing, and said she couldn't get out of her room.

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"
The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here, "she cried," one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Subway Party

Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference.
There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside.

One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance.

When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.

"Where ya been?"

He slurred.

"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"

[worldangel]

Joke: What are you doing this evening?

Rebecca, the curvy blonde secretary, came out from the cabin of her boss. She was shaking with anger, so a colleague asked her what was wrong.

Rebecca said, "The Boss asked me what was I doing this evening."

The colleague asked, "So what did you say?"

Rebecca answered, "I said I was doing nothing. He gave me 50 pages to type!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Play Your Age


A lady is having a bad day at the roulette tables in ‘Vegas. She's down to her last $50. Exasperated, she exclaims,
“What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?”

A man standing next to her, trying to calm her down, suggests,
“I don't know… why don't you play your age?”

He walks away. Moments later, his attention is grabbed by a great commotion at the roulette table. Thinking Maybe she'd won, he rushes back to the table and pushes his way through the crowd.

The lady is lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
The man is stunned. He asks, “What happened? Is she all right?”

The operator replies, “I don't know. She put all her money on 29, and 36 came up. Then she just fainted!”

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A Very Good Reason...

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek.

"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?"

"There is, he replied.... "Breakfast."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two dwarfs

Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.

The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of "Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!" all night long.

In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first mutters, "It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on."

The second dwarf shook his head. "You think that's embarrassing?"

"I couldn't even get on the f...ing bed!!!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blondes working on a house

Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"

The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward  you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Milk and eggs

Little Johnny: A cow gives milk and a hen lays eggs. Tell me who can give both?

Little Tommy: Can't think of anyone.

Little Johnny: The grocery store owner, silly!
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Smell the Coffee...

A grandmother was surprised by her seven-year-old helper early one morning. He had made her coffee! She drank what was probably the worst cup of coffee in her entire life. And when she got to the bottom, to her utter amazement, there were three little green, army men in her cup.

Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson answered, "Grandma, you know how it says on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. 
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." 

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon... and it takes eight people to collect all the money!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Uninvited Guest...

A woman sat down on a park bench, glanced around and decided to stretch out her legs on the seat and relax. After awhile a beggar came up to her and said, "Hello, Luv, how about us going for a walk together?"

"How dare you!" said the woman, "I'm not one of your cheap pickups!"

"Well, then," said the beggar, "what are you doing in my bed?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Specimen Bottle

Steve had been in the hospital for days. His nurse was extremely annoying and he couldn't take much more.

One day during breakfast, he took his apple juice container and used poured it into a urine specimen cup the nurse had insisted he fill.

The nurse came in to check on him and looked at the specimen glass. In her annoying voice, she snickered, "It seems we are a little cloudy today."

Steve put on his angry face, snatched the bottle out of her hand and drank it down in a few quick gulps, saying, "Well, I'll run it through again and maybe it will come out clearer this time."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Producing A New Gum


Two men were in the process of inventing a new brand of gum. They were arguing over the fact that their new gum was too hard and brittle and didn't have the right consistency.

One of the inventors kept arguing that they simply had to add more liquid to their primary secret ingredient, code named "Yewin".

The other man argued adamantly. "No, No, No! It's not wetter Yewin that counts... it's how you ply the gum!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A score above 100%

Dr. Jones had served many years as an Obstetrician/gynecologist, but he felt he had reached a saturation point. His mind was no longer in his job. He wanted to do something else for the rest of his life. Dr. Jones had a fascination for mechanical things and remembered he enjoyed automotive training in school and, therefore decided to go in for a career change and to become an auto mechanic. He enrolled at an automotive school.

He completed the course and was required to appear for the final exams. The physical exam consisted of taking a car engine apart and then putting it back together. Dr. Jones completed his project and was amazed to receive a grade of 125%. Dr. Jones asked the examiner how could he score a 125%.

"Well," answered the examiner, "I granted you 50% for taking the engine apart, 50% for putting it back together and another 25% for doing everything through the muffler"!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mail order....

An old fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following: "Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat that you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."

In a short time, he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Heard On A Public Bus


Heard on a public transportation vehicle in Orlando.
"When you exit the bus, please be sure to lower your head and watch your step."

"If you miss your step and hit your head, please lower your voice and watch your language. Thank you." 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Icing

One day a girl and her mom were in the mall and saw two people making out. The little girl asked her mom,"What are those people doing."
Making cupcakes."

Then one night the girl's mother and father go downstairs on the couch and make love. The next morning the little girls goes to her mother and says, "This morning when I went to watch TV I found icing on the couch and ate it.

[worldangel]

 

 

Joke: A Very Minor Sin

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates he was asked by the gatekeeper, "Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?"

 

"Yes," the professor answered. "When I was a young candidate at the Hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against a team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now."

 

"Well," said the gatekeeper. "That is a very minor sin. You may enter."
"Thank you very much, Saint Peter," the professor answered. 

 

"You're welcome, but I am not Saint Peter," said the gatekeeper. "He is having his lunch break. I am Saint Lucas."
 

 

Edited March 16, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Use of money

Two college students, Desmond and Kurt, were walking on the pavement when they were approached by a beggar asking for money.

Kurt tries to shoo him away, but Desmond takes out his wallet, pulls out a few bills and hands them to the beggar. The beggar thanks him and moves on.

Kurt is annoyed by his friend's act of charity "Why the hell did you do that?" yells Kurt. "You know he's only going to use it on alcohol or drugs!"

Desmond replies, "What...and we weren't?"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: During training exercises, the...

During training exercises, the Lieutenant driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel.

"Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside.

"Nope," replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys,  Yours is."

[worldangel]

Joke: Husband wanted


A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"

The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Angry boy

The angry boy tells the girl after a night of passionate love-making, "My name is Rob, and not Billy, or Andrew or Jack or Ron or Jeremy or any of the other names you've been screaming all night!"

The girl replies, "Hey, I wasn't screaming out anybody else's name during our intercourse. I was just thinking of baby names, if I were to get pregnant.

[worldangel]

Joke: A trip to the dentist...

A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill.

"I'm shocked!" she complained.

"This is three times what you normally charge."

"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you screamed so loudly, you scared away two other patients."

[worldangel]

Joke: Out of respect

Three baseball fans were on their way to a game when one noticed a foot sticking out of the bushes by the side of the road.

They stopped and discovered a nude female dead drunk. Out of respect and propriety, the Cubs fan took off his cap and placed it over her right breast. The Red Sox fan took off cap and placed it over her crotch.

The police were called and when the officer arrived, he conducted his inspection. First, he lifted up the Cubs cap, replaced it, and wrote down some notes. Next, he lifted the Sox cap, replaced it, and wrote down some more notes. The officer then lifted the Yankees cap, replaced it, then lifted it again, replaced it, lifted it a third time, and replaced it one last time.

The Yankee fan was getting upset and finally asked, "What are you, a pervert or something? Why do you keep lifting and looking, lifting and looking?"

Well," said the officer. "I am simply surprised. Normally when I look under a Yankees hat, I find an asshole

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Object oriented

Have you heard about the object-oriented way to become wealthy?

"No..."

"Inheritance."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: News photography

Imagine you are a news photographer in the Middle East when a terrible flood strikes.

You set out in a boat with your camera to find a prize-winning picture, when you see Osama Bin Laden hanging from the branch of a tree.

"Help me", he calls. "I can't hold on any longer".

There is room in your boat, and if you don't help him he will drown.

You have a dilemma, and this is the question you have to answer:

What lens do you use?

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: I can count on you

Teacher: "Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?" Little Johnny says "None."

The teacher says; “Listen carefully: Four crows are on the fence. The farmer shoots one. How many are left?" Little Johnny again says "None."

The teacher asks "Can you explain that answer?" Little Johnny says "One is shot, the others fly away. There are none left."

The teacher says "Well, that isn't the correct answer, but I like the way you think."

After a while little Johnny raises a hand and says "Teacher, can I ask a question?" "Sure” replied the teacher.

"There are three women in the ice cream parlor. One is licking, one is biting and one is sucking her ice cream cone, which one is married?" "The one sucking the cone replied the teacher.” "No. The one with the wedding ring on, but I like the way you think." Said Johnny.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I thought I’d gone deaf

A drunken man is driving through the city of Dublin and his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over.

"So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?"

"I’ve been to the pub," slurs the drunk.

"Well," says the cop, "it looks like you’ve had quite a few."

"I did all right," the drunk says with a smile.

"Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few miles back, your wife fell out of your car?"

"Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: New bar in town

In a small mid-western conservative town, a new bar/tavern started a building to open up their business. The local Baptist church started a campaign to block the bar from opening with petitions and prayers. Work progressed, however right up till the week before opening, when a lightning strike hit the bar and it burned to the ground. 

The church folks were rather smug in their outlook after that, till the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the church was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building, either through direct or indirect actions or means. 

The church vehemently denied all responsibility or any connection to the buildings demise in its reply to the court. 

As the case made it's way into court, the judge looked over the paperwork at the hearing and commented, "I don't know how I'm going to decide this, but as it appears from the paperwork, we have a bar owner that believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that doesn't. 

[worldangel]

 Joke: First drink

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. 

After 18 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. 

The patrons chant "Take another drink!" 

The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay. Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! 

Two arms pop out. 

The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. 

The patrons chant, "Take another drink! Take another drink!!" 

The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head" clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes. 

By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. 

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. 

The bar falls silent. 

The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, 

"He should've quit while he was a head!" 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Glass eye

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar. The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink. He orders a beer and says, "Man! That guy down there sure does complain alot. He thinks he's got it rough, but his life is easy!" 

The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, mister! I've seen you in here before. You're in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living?" 

The guy replies, "I make bets for a living. I'll show you. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!" The bartender looks at him and says, "OK, you're on." 

The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth. 

The bartender says, "I didn't know you had a glass eye. You win." 

The guy then says, "I'll let you win your money back. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye." 

The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, "I know you're not blind so you can't have 2 glass eyes. OK, your on!" The guy then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his left eye. With this, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, you won again. As you can see,I don't do a lot of business in here. I can't afford to make any more bets with you." 

The guy replies, "I'll tell you what. I'll give you a guaranteed way to win your money back. I'll bet you $10 that I can walk 6 feet away and pee in this bottle, which I'll leave here on the bar. I won't miss a drop. I won't even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle." 

After a few minutes of thought, the bartender says, "There's no way! You're on!" 

The guy walks 6 feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything. He pees on the bar, the stools and the floor. He doesn't even come close to hitting the bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle. With this, the bartender starts laughing and exclaims, "Ahah! I knew you couldn't do it. I won my back my $10!!!" Just then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The bartender looks down at him and says, "What happened to him?" 

The guy replies, "Oh, he'll be alright. I just bet him $1000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you'd laugh about it." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The boss garage door

 

The boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his zipper was down and his fly area wide open. His secretary walked up to him and said, 'This morning when you left your house, did you close your garage door?' The boss told her he knew he had closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled by the question.

As he finished his paperwork, he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it up. He then understood term 'garage door.' from lady secretary.

He headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, 'When my garage door was open, did you see my Hummer parked in there?'

She smiled and said, 'No, I didn't. All I saw was an old dark clinker with two flat tires wobbling there.

No points for guessing that the secretary was fired immediately after making fun of Boss' oldest possessions.


Moral of the story:

Even if you see your Boss' fly open, do not dare to take the liberty of making fun of what is and what's not inside.

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Romantic on SMS

She sends him the following message on SMS:

My love

If you're sleeping, send me your dreams

If you're smiling, send me your smile

If you're crying, send me your tears

I love you...


He replies:

I'm in the toilet. What do I send?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Anything

Men: So what should we do now?
Women: Anything
Men: How about watching a movie? It's been a long time
Women: Watching movie is no good, it's a waste of time

Men: How about we go for bowling, or some exercises?
Women: Exercise on such a hot day?
Men: Then find a cafe and have a drink
Women: I am off caffeine

Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: Anything

 

Edited March 19, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: You decide

Men: Then do we just go home?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's take the bus, I will accompany you
Women: The bus is dirty and crowded.
Men: OK; we will take a cab

Women: Not worth it... for such a short distance
Men: All right, then we can walk. We can enjoy the weather
Women: I am hungry, can't walk.
Men: Then what do you suggest?
Women: You decide

Men: Let's have dinner first?
Women: Whatever...
Men: What shall we eat?
Women: Anything..

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Anytime

Men: At what time do i have to call you?
Women: Any time as u wish
Men: But last time when i call u in the morning u didn't pick up?
Women: I was sleeping.

Men: OK; when I try to call you around 11 am u didn't pick up?
Women: I was shopping with my mother
Men: So, when I try to call you around 2-3 u didn't pick up?
Women: I was tired and relaxing.
Men: Then what about 5 pm?
Women: I was watching a cartoon.

Men: So, then why didn't you pick u phone in the night?
Women: I was studying
Men: Ok then tell me which time is the most convenience time for you to talk.
Women: Anytime.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Complaining about temperature

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. 

So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cold water clean

A man went to visit his 90-year-old grandfather and while eating the breakfast of eggs and bacon prepared for him, he noticed a film-like substance on his plate.

So he says, "Grandfather, are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replies, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them, so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed many little black specks around the edge of his plate, so again he asked,

"Grandfather are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his burger, the grandfather says, "I told you those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore."

Well, later that day, they were on their way out to get dinner. As he was leaving the house, Grandfather's dog who was lying on the floor started to growl
and would not let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out," mentioned the grandson.

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, his grandfather shouted, "Coldwater, get out of the way!" 

 

 

[worldangel]

 

 Joke: The taxidermist

A guy walks into a pub in Ballarat and orders a white wine.

Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the barman looks around and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from mate"

The guy says, "I'm from Melbourne." 

The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Melbourne?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." 

The barman asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?"

The guy says nervously, "I mount animals."

The barman grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An old brass lamp

A government employee sat in his office, and out of boredom, decided to see what was inside his old filing cabinet. He poked through the contents and came across an old brass lamp.

"This will look good on my mantel," he said, and took it home with him.

While polishing the lamp, a genie appeared and, as usual, granted him three wishes.

"I would like an ice-cold Coke right now." He gets his Coke and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish. "I wish to be on an island with beautiful women, who find me irresistible."

Suddenly, he's on an island with gorgeous women eyeing him lustfully. He tells the genie his third and last wish. "I wish I'd never have to work again.

Instantly, he was back in his government office. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I need a little help

At her appointment with the psychiatrist a young woman pleads. ‘Doctor, you must help me.’ It’s gotten so that every time I date a nice guy,

I end up in bed with him. And then afterwards, I feel guilty and depressed for a week.

“I see,’ nods the doctor. ‘And you no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter.

‘No, No!’ Exclaims the young woman. ‘I want you to fix it so I won’t feel guilty and depressed afterwards

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Granny and the frog

An older lady was somewhat lonely, and decided that she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. Forlornly, she searched.
Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this one ugly frog.

As she walked by the barrel he was in, he looked up and winked at her! He whispered, "I'm lonely too, buy me and you won't be sorry."
The lady figured, what the heck, as she hadn't found anything else. So, she bought the frog and went to her car.

Driving down the road the frog whispered to her, "Kiss me, you won't be sorry."
So, she figured what the heck, and kissed the frog. Immediately the frog turned into an absolutely gorgeous, sexy, handsome, young prince. Then the prince kissed her back, and you know what she turned into? 
The first motel she could find!.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A sweet little boy surprised h...

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.

The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sip she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

[worldangel]

Joke: Drinking again...

A guy decides to take off work early from work and go drinking. He stays in the bar until it closes at 2 a.m. By then, he is extremely drunk.

When he gets back to his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone up, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs.

Halfway up the stairs, he loses his balance, falls over backwards, and lands flat on his rear end.

That wouldn't have been so bad, except that he had a couple of empty pint bottles in his back pockets and they broke, carving up his rear end terribly. But he was so drunk he didn't know he was hurt.

A few minutes later, as he was undressing, he saw some blood. He checked himself out in the mirror and, sure enough, his rear end is cut up something terrible. He repaired the damage as best he could under the circumstances and went to bed.

The next morning, his head was hurting and his rear was hurting, and he was lying under the covers trying to think up a good story, when his wife came into the bedroom.

"Well, you really tied one on last night," she said. "Where'd you go?"

"I worked late," he said, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers."

"A couple of beers? That's a laugh!" she replied. "You were plastered last night, and you know it! Where'd you go?"

"What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?"

"Well," she replied, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of band-aids stuck to the mirror."