Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Barbie

A man walks into the toy store to get a Barbie doll for his daughter.

So he asks the assistant, as you would, "How much is Barbie?"

"Well," she says, "we have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95,

Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95,

Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00."

"Hey, hang on," the guy asks, "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?"

"Yeah, well, it's like this....Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's boat, Ken's furniture..."

[clementi]

Joke: Unzip My Zipper

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal.

The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful.

Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it." Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."

[clementi]

Joke: Missing Husband

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description.

She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.

The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her.

He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."

The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.

She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

[clementi]

Joke: True Meaning Of Male Statements

Statement: "I'm a Romantic."

True Meaning: "I'm poor."

Statement: "You're the only girl I've ever cared about."

True Meaning: "You are the only girl who hasn't rejected me."

Statement: "I really want to get to know you better."

True Meaning: "So I can tell my friends about it."

Statement: "She's kinda cute."

True Meaning: "I wouldn't kick her out of bed but a pillow over the head might be necessary."

Statement: "I don't know if I like her."

True Meaning: "She won't sleep with me."

Statement: "Was it good for you?"

True Meaning: "I'm insecure about my manhood."

Statement: "I had a wonderful time last night."

True Meaning: "Who are you?"

Statement: "Do you love me?"

True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you might find out."

Statement: "Do you 'really' love me?"

True Meaning: "I've done something stupid and you're going to find out sooner or later."

Statement: "How much do you love me?"

True Meaning: "I've done something really stupid and someone's on their way to tell you by now."

Statement: "I have something to tell you."

True Meaning: "Get tested."

Statement: "I've been thinking a lot."

True Meaning: "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."

Statement: "I think we should just be friends."

True Meaning: "You're ugly."

Statement: "I've learned a lot from you."

True Meaning: "Next!!!!"

Statement: "I'm on a long distance call, can you call me later?"

True Meaning: "I gotta turn on my answering machine."

[clementi]

Joke: Birthday Gift

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday.

She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I'm stumped." His buddy said, "I have an idea.

Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"

So the first fella did just that. The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours'."

[worldangel]

Joke: Cheating Husband

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and when I confront him, he denies everything.

What's worse, everyone knows he cheats on me. It is so humiliating. Also, since he lost his job over three years ago he hasn't even looked for a new one.

All he does is buy cigars and cruise around and bullshit with his pals, while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I am a lesbian.

What should I do?

Signed,

Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. For Pete's sake, you don't need him anymore. You're a Senator, act like it!

[worldangel]

Joke: A Practical Doctor

A man visits his doctor complaining of uncontrollable flatulence. The doctor tells him to undress, then leaves the room.

Moments later he returns carrying a long pole with a hook on the end.

"My God!" says the man, in terror. "What are you going to do with that?"

"I'm going to open a window," cracks the doctor. "It stinks in here."

[worldangel]

Joke: My Wife's Panties

Two co-workers are leaving the office. “I can’t wait to get home,” says one of them.

“As soon as I walk in the door, I’m going to rip my wife’s panties right off.”

“I know the feeling,” the other says.

"I've been working so much lately sometimes it feels like I'm not even married any longer."

“No, I’m serious,” says the first. “They’re killing me.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Just Like Dave

Morris walks out into the street and manages to get a taxi just as it comes driving by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Dave."

"Who?"

"Dave Aronson. He's this guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave."

"There are always a few clouds over everyone," says Morris.

"Not Dave. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star."

"He was something, huh?"

"He had a memory like a trap. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and I black out the whole neighborhood."

"No wonder you remember him."

"Well, I never actually met Dave."

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asks Morris.

"Because I married his widow."

[worldangel]

Joke: Likes to Screw

A man walks into a bar and sees a good-looking woman sitting on a stool.

He walks up to her and says, “Hi there, how’s it going?”

She turns to him, looks deep into his eyes and says,

“I’ll screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, my place, it doesn’t matter.”

He says, “No kidding! What law firm are you with?”

[worldangel]

Joke: The Perfect Girl

A son comes home from college to West Virginia and tells his dad about a wonderful girl he’s met.

“Dad, she’s fantastic. She’s smart, in great shape, and she’s getting her teaching certificate this spring. I’m going to ask her to marry me, but…”

“But what, son?” asks the father.

“She’s a virgin.”

The father scratches his beard and says, “Son, if she ain’t good enough for her own family, she damn sure ain’t good enough for ours.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Feeling Blue

"What's wrong with me, doc?" asks the patient. "My balls have turned blue!"

The doctor examines him and says his testicles have to be removed, or else he'll die.

"I can't let you do that!" the patient cries.

"Do you want to die?" the doctor asks. So the patient glumly consents to have his balls removed.

Two weeks later the patient returns. "Doc, now my penis has turned blue!"

The doctor examines him and reaches the same conclusion: his penis must go.

The man begins to cry. "How will I pee?"

"Simple. We'll install a plastic pipe and that will do the trick," says the doctor. "You don't want to die, do you?"

Again, the man sadly consents to the procedure.

Two weeks later, the man returns again. "Doc! The pipe turned blue! What the hell is happening to me?"

"Well, I'm not really sure," admits the doctor. "Wait... do you wear jeans?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Clueless CEO

A young executive is leaving the office late one night when he finds the CEO standing over the shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“This is a very sensitive official document,” says the CEO. “My secretary’s gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?”

“Sure,” says the junior exec, excited that the company CEO would let him in on something like this.

He turns on the shredder and hits the start button.

“Great,” says the CEO. “I just need one copy.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Father's Funeral

This guy's father dies, so he goes to the undertaker and tells him he wants the best of everything for his father and he won't cheap out on anything. The man gets really sick the day of the funeral, however, and is unable to attend.

The next day, he receives a bill for $16,000. He pays it, no questions asked.

The next month, he receives another bill for $165. He figures it's just a little supplementary bill for something that was left off the first one, so he pays it.

The following month, another bill for $165 arrives, so he calls up the undertaker and says, "I keep getting these bills for $165 dollars. I thought I paid for the funeral already."

The undertaker says, "Well, you said you wanted the best for your father, so I rented him a tuxedo."

[worldangel]

Joke: Lazy Husband

A man tells his doctor he’s unable to do all the things around the house that he used to do.

After the exam, he says, “Now, doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what the hell’s wrong with me.”

“In layman’s terms, you’re lazy,” says the doctor.

“OK. Now give me a medical term, so I can tell my wife.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Lawyer and the Devil

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life.

Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money.

All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Drugstore Wedding

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, lare all excited about their decision to get married.

They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"

The pharmacist answers, "Yes."

Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"

Pharmacist: "Of course we do."

Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"

Pharmacist: "All kinds."

Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"

Pharmacist: "Definitely."

Jacob: "How about Viagra?"

Pharmacist: "Of course."

Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"

Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."

Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"

Pharmacist: "Absolutely."

Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"

Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."

Jacob: "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."

[worldangel]

Joke: Daughters Puzzled

A little girl walks into her parent’s bathroom and notices for the First time, her father's nakedness.

Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks, "What are those round things hanging there, daddy?"

Proudly, he replies, "Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life. Without them we wouldn't be here."

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said.

To which mommy asks, "Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Mean Blow Job

Barbara recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, Barbara started poured him out on the counter in front of her.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him.

"Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it, too, with the insurance money."

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes."

[worldangel]

Joke: Boss wants too much

For thirty years, Johnson had arrived at work at 9A.M. on the dot. He had never missed a day and was never late.

Consequently, when on one particular day 9 A.M. passed without Johnson's arrival, it caused a sensation.

All work ceased, and the boss himself, looking at his watch and muttering, came out into the corridor.

Finally, precisely at ten, Johnson showed up, clothes dusty and torn, his face scratched and bruised, his glasses bent.

He limped painfully to the time clock, punched in, and said, aware that all eyes were upon him, "I tripped and rolled down two flights of stairs in the subway. Nearly killed myself."

And the boss said, "And to roll down two flights of stairs took you a whole hour?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Don’t come quickly

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation.

This was affecting his marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to a specialist doctor.

He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.

In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

On the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol.

All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife.

When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked.

He's so horney and keen to try out his new tactic that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.

After a few minute’s slap and tickle? They find themselves in the '69' position.

Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come.

Following doctor’s orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my next door neighbour came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

[clementi]

Joke: 50 Years

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years.

They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know,"

the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?"

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

[clementi]

Joke: Hospital

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years.

On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh.

The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction.

The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex,

saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed.

The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead.

The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

Edited April 30, 2009 by clementi

[clementi]

Joke: A Mental Hospital

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub,

the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.

"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home.

I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."

"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Secretary

The Secretary came in late for work the third day in a row.

The Boss called her into his office and said, "Now look Sharon, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here. Who told you, you could come and go as you please around here?"

Sharon simply smiled, lit up a cigarette, and while exhaling said, "My lawyer."

[worldangel]

Joke: Banktellers

With only two tellers working at the bank, the line I was standing in was moving very slowly.

As I waited, I began to fill in my withdrawal slip. Not sure of the date, I turned and asked the woman behind me.

"It's the twenty third," she replied.

A man from the back of the line advised, "Don't write it in yet!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A man was walking in the street

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where were you when I got married?"

[worldangel]

Joke: An older couple

An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.” Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where are you going?" she asked.

"To get my teeth!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Supermarket Slip

This guy is in line at the Super Market when he notices a hot blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is stunned that such a hottie would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he was unfaithful, "Goodness!" he says "are you that stripper at my bachelor party that I had on the pool table in front of all my friends, while your partner whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"

"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher."

Edited May 1, 2009 by worldangel

[clementi]

Joke: Washcloth

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day, the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked. He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded, "It's my wash cloth."

Weeks later, after the mother had her baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor had shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked, "What happened to your wash cloth?"

The mother responded, "I lost it."

The little boy, trying to be helpful, set out to find his mother's washcloth.

A few days later, he ran to his mother yelling and screaming, "I found your washcloth."

The mother, thinking that the child was just playing, went along with the boy and asked, "Where did you find it?"

The boy answered, "The maid has it! She is washing daddy's face with it."

[clementi]

Joke: Viagra and Food

A woman asks her husband, 'Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?'

He declines. 'Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra,' he says. 'It's really taken the edge off my appetite.'

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. 'A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?'

He declines. 'The Viagra,' he says, 'really trashes my desire for food.'

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. 'Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie?

Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?'

He declines again. 'No,' he says, 'it's got to be the Viagra....I'm still not hungry.'

'Well,' she says, 'Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving.'

[clementi]

Joke: Hawaii Vacation

There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but were never able to save any money to do so.

One day they came up with an idea--each time they had sex, they would put $20.00 bill into a piggy bank.

They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for about a year. After that time, they decided that there was enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.

The husband looked at their savings and said: "Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into the piggy. But I see tons of $50.00 bills and a few $100.00 bills."

The wife replied, "Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?"

[worldangel]

Joke: An older couple were lying in bed one night

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name ! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'

Her friend glared at her... For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.

Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

[worldangel]

Joke: Buying Supplies

A couple of blonde men in a pickup truck drove into a lumberyard.

One of the blonde men walked in the office and said, "We need some four-by-twos."

The clerk said, "You mean two-by-fours, don't you?"

The man said, "I'll go check," and went back to the truck.

He returned a minute later and said, "Yeah, I meant two-by-fours."

"All right. How long do you need them?" The customer paused for a minute and said, "Uh... I'd better go check."

After a while, the blonde returned to the office and said, "A long time. We're gonna build a house."

[worldangel]

Joke: Coming into the bar

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"

"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood."

"Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The sneeze

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane.

The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again.

She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again.

She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders violently again.

The man has finally had all he can handle.

He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you going crazy?"

The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more curious says, "I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

[worldangel]

Joke: Occupation?

A woman walks into her accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.

The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask a few questions."

He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"

The woman replies, "I'm a whore."

The accountant bawls and says, "No, no, no. That will never work. That is too crass. Let's try to rephrase that."

"Ok, I'm a prostitute."

"No, that is still too crude. Try again."

They both think for a minute, then the woman says, "I'm a chicken farmer."

The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a whore or a prostitute?"

"Well, I raised over 5,000 cocks last year."

[worldangel]

Joke: Hijacker

A cargo plane is in mid-flight over the ocean when suddenly the cockpit door burst open to reveal an armed, masked hijacker to a startled pilot, copilot, navigator, and stewardess.

He held a gun to the pilot's head and said, "Take this plane to my country or I'm gonna spill your brains all over the place." The pilot calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and says, "Look buddy, if you shoot me this plane will crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it, then held the gun to the copilot's head and said, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place." But the copilot also calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "Listen to me.

The pilot's got a bad heart and he could keel over at the shock of my being killed. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought about it for a moment and then held the gun to the navigator's head and repeated, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HIS brains all over the place."

But the navigator calmly reached up, pushed the gun aside and said, "I wouldn't do that if I were you. Those other two guys have no sense of direction. Without me they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag much less get this plane to Iraq. So if you shoot me, this plane will still crash right into the sea and you'll die along with the rest of us."

The hijacker thought some more, shrugged and this time held the gun to the stewardess's head and demanded, "Take this plane to Iraq or I'm gonna spill HER brains all over the place."

No one says a word, but the stewardess leaned over and whispered something into the hijacker's ear. He turned beet red, dropped his gun, and ran out of the cockpit in a panic.

The crew tracked down the hijacker, who was found cowering behind some crates in the hold, and tied him up. The pilot then asked the stewardess what she said that terrified the man so.

"I told him, sir," she replied, "that if he killed me, He'd be the one who'd have to give you guys your blowjobs."

[worldangel]

Joke: 3 Viagra Pills

A guy goes to his doctor and says," Doc, I have a problem."

"My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday."

"I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man.

I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says, "You have a deal Doc." Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor asks, "What happened"? The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Old Motor

The marriage of an 80-year-old man and a 20-year-old woman was the talk of the town.

After being married a year, the couple went to the hospital for the birth of their first child.

The attending nurse came out of the delivery room to congratulate the old gentleman and said, "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

The old man grinned and said, "You got to keep the old motor running."

The following year, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their second child. The same nurse was attending the delivery and again went out to congratulate the old gentleman.

She said, "Sir, you are something else. How do you manage it?" The old man grinned and said, "You gotta keep the old motor running."

A year later, the couple returned to the hospital for the birth of their third child.

The same nurse was there for this birth also and after the delivery, she once again approached the old gentleman, smiled, and said, "Well, you surely are something else! How do you do it?"

The old man replied, "It's like I've told you before, you got to keep the old motor running."

The nurse, still smiling, patted him on the back and said: "Well, I guess it's time to change the oil. This one's black.

[worldangel]

Joke: 90 Year Olds Dating

Two 90-year-olds had been dating for some time, when the man told the woman, "I think it's time we had sex, don't you agree?" The old woman agrees and the two make love that afternoon.

Afterward, as they are lying in bed, the man thinks to himself, "My God, if I had known that she was a virgin, I would have been much more gentle!"

Meanwhile, the woman was thinking to herself, "My God, if I had known that the old geezer could really get it up, I would have taken off my pantyhose."

[worldangel]

Joke: Riding the Bus

A lady was standing on a street corner waiting for a bus when she happened to notice a weight machine. She fumbled through her purse for a dime and went over to the machine and inserted the coin.

Out came a card that said "You weigh 126 pounds. and in 30 seconds you will pass gas". Sure enough, after 30 seconds, she passed wind. Astonished that the machine was correct, she found another dime and returned to the weight machine.

After inserting the coin, out popped another card that read "you still weigh 126 pounds and in 30 seconds, you will be ravished" Again, after 30 seconds, 2 men came out of an alley, dragged her back into the alley and attacked her.

Afterward, fumbling through her purse, she managed to find another dime. She dragged herself over to the weight machine and put in her last dime. Again a little card popped out that said, "you still weigh 126 pounds, and while you were farting and fooling around, you missed your bus".

[worldangel]

Joke: Stupid

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"

After a few seconds, little Santa Simon stood up.

The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Santa?" > "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" >

[worldangel]

Joke: Sneaking In

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court." said the Desk Sergeant.

"No, no no !" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Life Before the Computer

An application was for employment

A program was a TV show!

A cursor used profanity

A keyboard was a piano!

Memory was something that you lost with age

A CD was a bank account!

And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy

You hoped nobody found out!

Compress was something you did to garbage

Not something you did to a file!

And if you unzipped anything in public

You'd be in jail for awhile!

Log on was adding wood to a fire

Hard drive was a long trip on the road!

A mouse pad was where a mouse lived

And a backup happened to your commode!

Cut - you did with a pocket-knife

Paste you did with glue!

A web was a spider's home

And a virus was the flu!

I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper

And the memory in my head.

I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash

But when it happens they wish they were dead!

[worldangel]

Joke: Memory Tests

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274" was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday", replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three"? "Nine", says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that"?

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex Drive

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office and says,"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."

"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"

"You're darned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A good choice

An engineering student is walking on campus one day when another engineer rides up on a shiny new motorcycle.

"Where did you get such a rockin' bike?" asked the first.

The second engineer replied "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike.

She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly "Good choice, the clothes probably wouldn’t have fit”

[worldangel]

Joke: Plastic, rubber or …?

A lawyer walks into a bar and sits down next to a drunk who is closely examining something held in his fingers.

The lawyer watches the drunk for a while till he finally gets curious enough to ask what it is.

"Well," said the drunk, "it looks like plastic and feels like rubber."

"Let me have it," said the lawyer. Taking it, he began to roll it between his thumb and forefinger, examining it closely.

"Yes," he finally said, "it does look like plastic and feel like rubber, but i don't know what it is. Where did you get it?"

"From my nose," the drunk replied.

[worldangel]

Joke: Hairy Problem

A lady walks into her doctors office screaming.

She yells, "Doctor, Doctor my breasts are hairy! What do I do?"

The doctor asks, "Well, how long does the hair grow?"

The lady replies, "From here to my penis, but that's a different story!"