Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: 100 pound pig

Mike Mooney A Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig.

The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100".

Astonished the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way".

The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man".

The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, " This here pig weighs about 100 pounds".

The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman".
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dating Hints For Men


Dating hints for gentlemen
There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date... 
I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired. 

I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you. 
I used to come here all the time with my ex. 
Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour. 

I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look. 
It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am. 

[worldangel]

Joke: A husband and wife at a hotel ...

A husband and wife at a hotel asked for a 6am alarm call. On the stroke of 6, the phone rang and a voice said: "This is your wake-up call."

 

The guest said thanks and put the phone down. A minute later the phone rang again and the voice said: "This is your wake-up call." Annoyed, the husband said: "You phoned only a minute ago."

 

"I know," replied the receptionist, "but there are two of you."

 

 

Edited March 20, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Tossing

As Katy walked on the sideway, she tossed a bunch of keys up into the air and caught them as they came down. She did it again and again, but after a few tosses, she could not catch the keys and they fell into the gutter next to the sidewalk.

People who witnessed this felt bad for her until she cried, "Oh no! Not again!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Chicken Gun

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. 

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers. 

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.. 

The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions. 
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo: 
Defrost the chicken.. 

[worldangel]

Joke: Reaching the end of a job interview...

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

[worldangel]

Joke: How do you expect to get into heaven?

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, either come in or stay out!'"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: In retrospect

On a Saturday evening, I was watching a film with harsh organ music on the TV when I screamed, "Nooo! Do not enter that church, you stupid man!"

My wife came running from the kitchen and asked, "What are you watching?"

I replied, "Video of our marriage!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde Car Accident


One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Big Night Out

Paddy is smashing a few at the local until everything is forgotten. The bartender who is also a family friend continually tells him he's had enough and to go home.

Finally after several last calls, Paddy declares "I'm going home", promptly falls off his high bar stool and drags himself to the door.

He hails a cab while face down on the curb, manages to open the door and drag himself from his sprawled position into the backseat. The cabby drives him home with Paddy singing nonsensical music to himself the whole way. Paddy rolls out of the cab manages to drunkenly flop his way across the lawn, gets the front door half open and passes out.

The next day because the bartender is also a good friend he checks on paddy, and seeing him lying on his back in the doorway says, "Paddy, you were drunk last night weren't you?". Paddy replies, "Yes, but I didn't think I was that drunk, how did you know?"

To which the bartender replies, "You left your wheelchair at the bar".

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Low Bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. He passed a sign that said “low bridge ahead.”

Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he got stuck under the bridge. You could say that he got a rock solid “Trucker's Wedgie.”

Cars were backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, “Got stuck, huh?”

The truck driver said, “No officer,… I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A police officer pulls over a ...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"No, officer. Only when he's been drinking"

[worldangel]

Joke: Trouble at the bar

A guy goes into a bar and says, "Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.

The guy drinks it fast. "Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!"

The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.

The guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"

The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.

Again, the guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"

The barman replies, "Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?"

"I haven't got any money!"

Edited March 21, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Fat free....

I stopped at a fast-food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat-Free French Fries. I decided to give them a try.

I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer, which was dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order.

"Just a minute!" I said. "Those aren't fat-free."

"Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes . . . the fat is free!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Boiled Eggs for Breakfast

She is in the kitchen preparing to boil eggs for breakfast. He walks in. She turns and says, “You’ve got to make love to me – this very moment.”

His eyes light up and he thinks, “This is my lucky day.” Not wanting to lose the moment, he embraces her and then gives it his all on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she says, “Thanks,” and returns to the stove. More than a little puzzle he asks, “What was that all about?” She explains, “The egg timer’s broken.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The Haves and the Have Nots

When the wife learned her husband had taken a mistress, she demanded, “Does this mean that you’ve had enough of me?”

“No, my dear,” he calmly replied. “It means that I haven’t had enough of you.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Coming and Going

A man walks into the pharmacy and asks for some sexlax.

The pharmacist replies, “You mean Ex-lax.”

The man says, “No, I mean Sexlax – I don’t have any trouble going!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You from Harvard

Two young men who had just graduated from Harvard were all excited and talking effusively as they got into a taxi in downtown Boston.

After hearing them for a couple of minutes the cab driver asked, "You men Harvard graduates?"

"Yes Sir! Class of '94!" they answered proudly.

The cab driver extended his hand back to shake their hand, saying, "Class of '58."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Blondes and a Fire

Two blondes realize that their apartment is on fire and go out onto the balcony. "Help, help!" yells one of the blondes. "Help us, help us!" yells the other.

"Maybe it would help if we yelled together," said the first blonde.

"Good idea," said the other.

So the both started yelling, "Together! Together!"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Bankers Make Great Lovers

Q. Did you hear about the banker who's a great lover?

A. He knows first-hand the penalty for early withdrawal.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Ballroom Please

What floor, please?” asked the hotel elevator operator, and a young man at the back of the car called out, “Ballroom, please.”

At which the man in front of him turned and said, “Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I was crowding you.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Man vs. Woman, Finger vs Ear

 

While having drinks a man and a woman got into an argument about who enjoyed sex more. The man said, "Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we're so obsessed with getting laid?"

"That doesn't prove anything," the woman countered. "Think about this: when your ear itches and you put your finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better-your ear or your finger?"

 

 

 

Edited March 21, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Is the Coast Clear?

The phone rang late one night and the wife answered the phone in a tired hushed voice.

Her husband listened as he heard his wife reply angrily "How the heck should I know?

It's 300 miles away?" She hung up the phone and her husband asked, "Who was that?" and she said "Some lady asking me if the coast was clear!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Shopping trip...

Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her purchases. "Cash, check or charge?" she asked, after folding the items Jennifer had bought. As Jennifer fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote with you?" the cashier inquired.

"No," she replied. "But my husband, Jeff, refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

[worldangel]

Joke: Shopping trip...

Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her purchases. "Cash, check or charge?" she asked, after folding the items Jennifer had bought. As Jennifer fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote with you?" the cashier inquired.

"No," she replied. "But my husband, Jeff, refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Somebody Stole My Car Officer

A well dress but obviously intoxicated gentleman stumbled up to a policeman at a busy downtown intersection and voiced a thick-tongued complaint.

“Somebody stole my car, officer,” he announced groggily. “I had it right here on the tip of my ignition key.”

“We’ll go right to the station and report it,” the cop replied, amused at the guy’s condition.

“But I think you should zip up your fly up before we leave.” “Oh, my,” exclaimed the drunk, looking at his open barn door. “Somebody stole my girl, too!”

 

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, ' I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.' 

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?" 

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assh*les." 

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Defective nails...?

Two guys were doing construction on a house. One of them who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, and then either toss it over his shoulder or nail it into the siding.

The other guy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first guy explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed towards me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it into the siding."

The second guy was outraged. He yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed towards you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Movies Changed


For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.

Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Bought A Porsche

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." 
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." 

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. 
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy." I don't know her name--they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." 

"Oh No," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." 

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. 

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Used Car


It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car. They said "Heavens no, we bought it." 

He said, "Then why don't you drive it away". 
Each of the women said "We can't drive". 
The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked "Then why did you buy it?" 

They answered, "We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed, so we are just waiting.

[worldangel]

Joke: This Too Is for the Ladies

A guy staggers to the bathroom, whipping out his penis even before he gets through the door.

Inadvertently, he’s wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman primping in the mirror.

“This is for ladies!” she screams. The drunk waves his dick at her and says, “So is this!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hey Buddy, What's Your Hurry?

This guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 10 glasses and start filling them up with beer. So the bartender starts filling the glasses up with beer, and the man is right behind him drinking them straight down.

The bartender says, hay buddy what’s your hurry?

The man says if you had what I have you would do the same thing.

The bartender backs up and says what do you have. The man says about 75 cents!

[worldangel]

Joke: What the Philosophy Degree Says

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with a Philosophy degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Fun Mrs. Stanley

A private eye is showing Stanley movies of Mrs. Stanley in bed with other men.

on the beach, at football game during halftime and all kinds of crazy places doing just about everything.

After viewing all this Stanley says, “I refuse to believe it!”

The private eye rather mortified says, “What --- you think I rigged the evidence?”

Stanley says, “No, of course not. I just can’t believe my wife could be so much fun.”

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Drinking the Milk 

The wife got up early in the morning and shouted; Hey, Banta, the cat has again drunk the milk.

Banta shouted back; “I have told you to wear a Bra while sleeping!”

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Yet He's the Stupid One

One day a man was walking in the street. He met another man who asked him what happened to his ears as both were covered with bandages.

He said "I was ironing my clothes when the phone bell rang. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron, and so I burnt my ears".

The man asked, "So what happened to your other ear?" He said, " That same stupid guy called again!

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Little Johnny Sees Double

Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board.

“Does anyone know what this is?” She asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sure, my Dad has two of them!” “Two of them?” the teacher asked.

“Yeah, He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to bush mommy’s teeth!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Bear Hunt

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Girls Night Out...

The other night, I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise," were my last words.

The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m. we piled into a cab and headed to our respective homes, quite inebriated.

Just as I walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!

Realizing that my husband would probably wake up to this, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was quit pleased with myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution to cover up my tardiness. Even with my impaired judgment, I could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!

The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and confidently, I replied, "Midnight...like I promised." He didn't even raise and eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper! Phew! Got away with that one!

After a moment, he then replied, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."

A bit nervously, I asked him why, to which he responded:

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[worldangel]

Joke: Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two son...

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek.

 

Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied.

 

"What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

 

Edited March 22, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Fourth Husband

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time. 

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?" 

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died." 
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died." 

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband." 

"He died of a broken neck." 
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

[worldangel]

Joke: Any questions?

Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while.

"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.

"Yes," replies her daughter.

"Do you still have any questions?"

"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"

"In exactly the same way as with babies."

"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Manners

A religious farmer spent the day in the city.
In a restaurant for his noon meal, he sat near a group of young men.

After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would embarrass the old gentleman. "Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?"

The old man calmly replied, "No, son, the pigs don't!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Freak Accident

I went to a Six Flags.

 

There’s this new ride there; I had to wait in line for, like, four hours to get on this thing. Finally got on it, it was fine enough.

 

But then I see a couple of weeks later in the news, this girl goes on the exact same ride and, in some freak accident, her legs got lopped off at the knees.

 

I was like, What a terrible thing to happen to all of those people waiting in line.
 

Edited March 22, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A farmer walks into his bedroom...

A farmer walks into his bedroom carrying a lamb under his arm. He walks over to his wife who's laying in bed.

"See!" he yells, "This is the pig I have to have sex with whenever you get one of your headaches!" T

The wife says, "You know that's a lamb under your arm, don't you?" The farmer says, "I wasn't talking to you."

[worldangel]

Joke: What would you like for your birthday....

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."

[worldangel]

Joke: Go Give Us A Donation


Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.

He said "It's Al Gore. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations."

"Donations!" I said, "How much you got so far?"
He said "about ten gallons."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: 24 Hours Left


A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."

At this point the wife sits up and says, "Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cutting class

"Jill," a teacher reprimanded the teenager in the hall, "do you mind telling me whose class you're cutting this time?"

"Like," the young teen replied, "uh, see, okay, like it's like I really don't like think like that's really important, y'know, like because I'm y'know, like I don't get anything out of it."

"It's English class, isn't it?" replied the smiling teacher

[worldangel]

Joke: Cool Leather

I was at a party the other night, and I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket, and I thought, That is cool. Like 10 minutes later, I saw a guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, That is not cool. That’s when I realized cool is all about leather sleeves.