Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Evaluating Employees


RE: Quotes Taken from actual performance evaluations: 
"Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig." 

"His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity." 
"I would not allow this employee to breed." 
"This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be." 

"Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap." 
"When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there." 

"He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle." 
"This young lady has delusions of adequacy." 
"He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them." 

"This employee should go far - and the sooner he starts, the better." 
"This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Reasonable doubt...

Scene: A court room in Oklahoma where a person is on trial for murder.

There is strong evidence indicating guilt; however, there is no corpse. In the defense's closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client is guilty and that it looks like he'll probably be convicted, resorts to a clever trick. "Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all," the lawyer says as he looks at his watch. "Within 1 minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this court room," he says and he looks toward the courtroom door.

The jury, somewhat stunned, all look on eagerly. A minute passes. Nothing happens. Finally the lawyer says: 'Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I, therefore, put it to you that there is reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty."

The jury, clearly confused, retires to deliberate. A very few minutes later, the jury returns and a representative pronounces a verdict of guilty.

"But how?" inquires the lawyer. "You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door."

Answers the representative: "Oh, we did look. But your client didn't."

[worldangel]

Joke: Did You Make A Donation?


At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"

He calls up the lawyer.
"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"
The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"

The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."
"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"
The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."

"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"
The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."

"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A motorist caught by a speed camera...

A motorist caught by a speed camera received notification of a fine in the mail, plus a picture of his vehicle.

Duly impressed, he sent back the notification along with a photo of a $100 note to pay the fine.

[worldangel]

Joke: Give Me Free Meat


It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow." 

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face." 

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!" 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: New Hearing Aids


An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He finally went to a doctor, and was fitted with excellent new hearing aids.

He returned a month later for a checkup, and the doctor said, “Your hearing is perfect! Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.”

The gentleman replied, “Oh, I haven't told my family just yet. I still sit around quietly; but, now I listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times already.

[worldangel]

Joke: Two guys are hiking in the for...

Two guys are hiking in the forest when they suddenly come across a big Grizzly bear! The one guy takes off his hiking boots and puts on some running shoes!

His friend says to him "You're crazy! There's no use, do you know how fast Grizzlies are, you'll never be able to out run it!" and the guy says, "I only have to out run you!"

[worldangel]

Joke: New secretary


Bob walked into his pal's office only to find Gareth looking depressed.

Bob asked, "Hey, what's with that long face?"

Gareth said, "You know my wife. She hired a new secretary for me."

Bob asked, "So what? Is she blonde or brunette?"

Gareth replied, "Neither. He's bald."

[worldangel]

Joke: Telling Some Stories


Delivering a speech at a banquet on the night of his arrival in a large city, a visiting minister told several anecdotes he expected to repeat at meetings the next day.

 

Because he wanted to use the jokes again, he requested the reporters to omit them from any accounts they might turn in to their newspapers.

A cub reporter, in commenting on the speech, ended his piece with the following: "The minister told a number of stories that cannot be published."
 

 

Edited March 25, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Who Says Men Aren't Sensitive

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together. They go back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears. Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor. Cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher. Huge enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. 

The woman is surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by this evidence of his sensitive side! 

She turns to him, invitingly... they kiss...and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After she has this intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, and they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it for you?" 

The guy yawns: "Help yourself to any prize from the bottom shelf."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Milk and eggs

Little Johnny: A cow gives milk and a hen lays eggs. Tell me who can give both?

Little Tommy: Can't think of anyone.

Little Johnny: The grocery store owner, silly!
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Smell the Coffee...

A grandmother was surprised by her seven-year-old helper early one morning. He had made her coffee! She drank what was probably the worst cup of coffee in her entire life. And when she got to the bottom, to her utter amazement, there were three little green, army men in her cup.

Puzzled, she asked, "Honey, what are these army men doing in my coffee?"

Her grandson answered, "Grandma, you know how it says on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My Dad Is Better Than Your Dad

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. 
The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." 

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon... and it takes eight people to collect all the money!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Guess ….

Two rednecks meet on a dusty country road. One of them is carrying a big bag labeled, "chickens."

"Chickens, eh?" says one guy.

"Hey, if I guess how many chickens you got, will you give me one?"

"Heck," says the guy with the bag, "iffin you guess right, I'll give you both of 'em."

The other scratches his head and guesses, "Um... five?"
 

Edited March 26, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Where babies from?

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
Mother, where do babies come from?

Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.

Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that? Jewelry, dear.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You boys been drinking?

Bubba and Earl, were driving down the road drinking a couple of bottles of Bud.

The passenger, Bubba, said, "Lookey thar up ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin' these here beers!!"

"Don't worry, Bubba," Earl said.

"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads, and throw the bottles under the seat."

"What fer?" asked Bubba.

"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.

Well, they finished their beers, threw the empty bottles under the seat, and each put a label on their forehead.

When they reached the roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been drinkin'?"

"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."

[worldangel]

Joke: A Bunny Story

Once upon a time there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road. Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny. 

The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter Bunny!" 

The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertible. The woman stopped and asked what the problem was.The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it's all my fault." 

The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny. 

Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?" 
The woman replied, "It's hair spray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Ear to the wall

John was a patient living in a mental hospital since many years. Lately, he had developed this habit of putting his ear to the wall and listening.

The hospital doctor would watch John do this day after day. One day, the doctor finally decided to see what John was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing.

So he turned to John and said, "I don't hear anything."

John said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for many months now!"

[worldangel]

Joke: One day while at her job as a ...

One day while at her job as a bank loan officer, Patty Black, had a frog hop onto her desk and say, "I would like to apply for a lily-pad improvement loan." Patty looked incredulously at the frog and said, "I'm sorry, we don't loan money to frogs." To which the frog replied, "I have collateral," as he handed her a small ceramic trinket. Not wanting to be impolite, Patty said, "I don't know. I'll have to talk to the bank manager."

She walked back to the manager's office and said, "There is a frog out here, asking for a lily-pad improvement loan, and this trinket is all he has for collateral." The bank manager picked up the trinket and looked at it carefully. Then smiling he turned to Patty and said, "Why it's a knick-knack, Patty Black. Give the frog a loan."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Always on Call

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.

‘We need a fourth for poker,' said the friend.

‘I'll be right over,' whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, ‘Is it serious?'

‘Oh yes, quite serious,' said the doctor gravely. ‘In fact, there are three doctors there already!'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Complete and Finished

There is a subtle but important difference between the words "complete" and "finished."

When you marry the right one, you are complete.

When you marry the wrong one, you are finished.

And if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are completely finished.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A man is driving up a steep, narrow...

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH!!"

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. If only men would listen.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Gaseous Persian Rug  

At a carpet store a very well dress woman bent over and touched a Persian rug and she farted.

When she gets up she notices that there is a salesman standing behind her.

She then asks the salesman, “How much is this rug?”

The salesman replies, “Well, lady… if you farted just touching it, you’re gonna crap when you hear the price.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two men went bear hunting

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wayne

An blonde girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.
"How many children?" asks the council worker.

"10" replies the blonde girl.

"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the blonde girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.

"That's easy," says the girl... "I just use their surnames"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The mirror...

An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man if he or his wife wanted to buy anything.

"Well, my wife ain't home, she's gone down to the crick to wash clothes, but lemme see what you got," said the man.

The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but the old man wasn't interested. Then the man spotted a mirror and said, "What's that?"

Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the old man picked it up and said, "My Goodness, how'd you get a picture of my Pappy?"

The old man was so happy, he traded his wife's best pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled his sale.

The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him for trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes of junk. He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious.

One day she got fed up and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "so this is the hussy he's been foolin'around with!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting Screwed Thousand Times

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else... 

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a £100 if you let me have sex with you. But the girl said NO. 

Johnny said, "I'll be fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up. " 

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... So she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for £200, pick up the money very fast, he won't even be able to get his Pants down." 
So she agrees and accepts the proposal. Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. 

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She responded, "The bastard used coins!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Toilet Paper

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. 

"Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?" 

"Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's kiss. It's $1.50 per roll." 
He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." 

Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll." 
"Give me the No Name," she says. 

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne." 
"Why?" he asks. 

"Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap off anybody!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Little Johnny had finished his...

Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school. Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to  tell her that he was misbehaving.

"Wait a minute," she said. "I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: How to Cure a Headache

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.

"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...."

He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing  right behind the left ear".

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve

the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes". Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?"

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough.

And, by the way you have a lovely home."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Should a Said

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.

''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''

''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.''

''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of a house?''

''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.

''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''

''Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?''

''Ruff!"

''What the hell you tryin' to pull mister?''

''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''

"Ruth."

The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.

"Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Taking Faith Healing Too Far

A faith healer asked Moshe how his family was getting along. "They're all fine," Moshe said, "Except my uncle. He's very sick."

"Your uncle is not sick," the faith healer said. "He THINKS he's sick."
Two weeks later, the faith healer ran into Moshe on the street. "How is your uncle getting along?" he asked.

Moshe shrugged, "He THINKS he's dead."

[worldangel]

Joke: Facts of life...

Morris asks his son, now aged 13, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Bunny Story

Once upon a time there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road. Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny. 

The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter Bunny!" 

The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertible. The woman stopped and asked what the problem was. The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it's all my fault." 

The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny. 

Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?" 
The woman replied, "It's hair spray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: May I Borrow Your Dog For A Few Days?


It's for my mother-in-law," explained the mourner at the funeral procession. Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said, "My Doberman here killed her."

"Gee...That's terrible," commiserated the spectator. "But... Hmmmm... Is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?"

The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered, "Get in line."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Sounds more like a nightmare...

An older couple wakes up in the morning and the husband looks over at his wife and says, "Wow! You wouldn't believe the dream I had..."

The wife replies, "Yes, go on tell me."

So the husband says "I had a dream that you left me after 20 years of being married."

The wife says, "Oh, it sounds more like a nightmare."

The husband says, "No, I am sure it was a dream."

[worldangel]

Joke: On top of a hill area, there a...

On top of a hill area, there are three draculas bragging about their powers to each other.

 

The first one, points at a large house in the village underneath them, and quickly fly towards it. In about five minutes, he's back with a hint of blood dripping from his lip. Proudly, he says that all the humans living in that house died from his attack.

 

The second dracula laughs as he's pointing to a small village area. After that, the second dracula jumps and flies in a quicker manner than the first one, in not more than a minute, he's already back with his mouth covered in blood. He says that all the people in the village that he pointed at died from his quick and brutal attack.

 

The first dracula felt beaten, while the third one didn't say anything, but he gave one cold stare to a direction with small city lights at the end of it. Without any word, he flashed into that direction, and in more of a shock, he's back in around five seconds of time with face all covered in blood. Both previous draculas are surprised, and asked him if had he slaughtered the people in that small city.

 

The third dracula shouts, "Did you two see that electrical pole in front of us?" they replied, "Of course we did, why?" still shouting, the third dracula says, "Goddammit, I didn't!"

 

Edited March 27, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: No Wool Downstairs

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.
When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.

The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."

The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or have sex?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tossing

As Katy walked on the sideway, she tossed a bunch of keys up into the air and caught them as they came down. She did it again and again, but after a few tosses, she could not catch the keys and they fell into the gutter next to the sidewalk.

People who witnessed this felt bad for her until she cried, "Oh no! Not again!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Chicken Gun

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. 

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers. 

When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.. 

The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions. 
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo: 
Defrost the chicken.. 

[worldangel]

Joke: Reaching the end of a job interview...

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer enquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: How do you expect to get into heaven?

An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll just run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For heaven's sake, Jimmy, either come in or stay out!'"

[worldangel]

Joke: In retrospect

On a Saturday evening, I was watching a film with harsh organ music on the TV when I screamed, "Nooo! Do not enter that church, you stupid man!"

My wife came running from the kitchen and asked, "What are you watching?"

I replied, "Video of our marriage!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Big Night Out

Paddy is smashing a few at the local until everything is forgotten. The bartender who is also a family friend continually tells him he's had enough and to go home.

Finally after several last calls, Paddy declares "I'm going home", promptly falls off his high bar stool and drags himself to the door.

He hails a cab while face down on the curb, manages to open the door and drag himself from his sprawled position into the backseat. The cabby drives him home with Paddy singing nonsensical music to himself the whole way. Paddy rolls out of the cab manages to drunkenly flop his way across the lawn, gets the front door half open and passes out.

The next day because the bartender is also a good friend he checks on paddy, and seeing him lying on his back in the doorway says, "Paddy, you were drunk last night weren't you?". Paddy replies, "Yes, but I didn't think I was that drunk, how did you know?"

To which the bartender replies, "You left your wheelchair at the bar".

[worldangel]

Joke: Low Bridge

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. He passed a sign that said “low bridge ahead.”

Before he knew it, the bridge was right ahead of him and he got stuck under the bridge. You could say that he got a rock solid “Trucker's Wedgie.”

Cars were backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car pulled up. The cop got out of his car and walked around to the truck driver, put his hands on his hips and said, “Got stuck, huh?”

The truck driver said, “No officer,… I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas!”
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A police officer pulls over a ...

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir."

The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar needs calibrating."

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says sweetly from the passenger seat, "Now don't be silly, dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you keep your mouth shut for once?"

The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut."

The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine."

The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket."

The wife says," Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU SHUT THE HELL UP??"

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"

"No, officer. Only when he's been drinking"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Nothing but Saran Wrap

A man goes to a psychiatrist office wearing nothing but saran-wrap as underwear.

The psychiatrist looks at him and says "I can clearly see your nuts!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Medium and Rare

Q. What's the difference between medium and rare?

A. Six inches is medium and eight inches is RARE!!

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Your Husband, the Blonde

Two women are having lunch together, discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery.

The first woman says, ‘I need to be honest with you, I’m getting a boob job.’

The second woman says, ‘Oh that’s nothing, I’m thinking of having my arsehole bleached.’

The first woman replies, ‘Funny, I just can’t picture your husband as a blonde.’

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My Dad

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says: "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says: "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $100."

The third boy says: "I got you both beat. "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a 'Sermon' ... And it takes eight people to collect all the money!"