Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Mad Cows

Two cows were talking in the field one day.

First Cow: "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"

Second Cow: "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My Husband Wants to Know

Catherine, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her obstetrician's office. After the exam, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it," Catherine confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

[worldangel]

Joke: Always a Miracle

I’m in my 30s; everybody having kids or miracles.

 

Oh, it’s a miracle. It’s always a miracle. I’m like, you had sex, right? Yeah? Then no, that’s exactly what’s supposed to happen from that. I spend all my time preventing miracles; that is what’s happening. I call it a miracle when the girl doesn’t get pregnant. That’s when I start getting spiritual.

 

Edited March 28, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Pet names....

There once was a man who was so proud of the fact that he had six kids that he insisted on calling his wife "mother of six."

His wife hated this name and asked him repeatedly not to call her that, but he was a stubborn man and was very proud that he had six kids.

One evening they were at a dinner party for his company and it was getting close to the time that they should be leaving. The husband yelled from across the room over to his wife, "mother of six, are you ready to go?"

Annoyed with his question, she responded, "In a minute, Father of four."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Sapling

There was this sapling that didn't know what kind of tree he was. He was growing up between a birch tree and a beech tree and thought they might be able to tell him what kind of tree he was.

First he asks Mr. Birch Tree and says.. "Mr. Birch, Mr. Birch, I gotta know...am I a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

Mr. Birch replies, "Well, i don't know, you could be a son of a beech, you could be a son of a birch, why don't you go ask Mr. Beech?"

So the sapling goes "Mr. Beech, Mr. Beech, I gotta know, am I a son of a Beech or a son of a birch?"

And Mr. Beech says, "well, I don’t know, but I do know someone that will be able to tell you, I'll call him up and he'll tell you what you are."

So, Mr. Beech calls good ole Mr Woodpecker and explains the situation to him. Mr Woodpecker explains to the sapling that he must take a nibble of his bark to be able to tell him what he is and the sapling agrees.

Well, the Woodpecker takes a nibble and exclaims "My...you're neither a son of a beech or a son of a birch but the finest piece of ash I've ever put my pecker in!"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: What day is it?

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, getting up from the table and going out the door to the office.

At 10am, the doorbell rang. When the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long-stemmed red roses. At 1pm, a foil-wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress.

The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. When he did, she exclaimed, "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress! I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde Car Accident

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Shopping trip...

Jennifer watched as the cashier rang up her purchases. "Cash, check or charge?" she asked, after folding the items Jennifer had bought. As Jennifer fumbled for her wallet, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote with you?" the cashier inquired.

"No," she replied. "But my husband, Jeff, refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

[worldangel]

Joke: Senior Citizen

Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, ' I bet any minute now some senior citizen is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.' 

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior citizen walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?" 

One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling assh*les." 

Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fat free....

I stopped at a fast-food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat-Free French Fries. I decided to give them a try.

I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer, which was dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order.

"Just a minute!" I said. "Those aren't fat-free."

"Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes . . . the fat is free!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Defective nails...?

Two guys were doing construction on a house. One of them who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail, and then either toss it over his shoulder or nail it into the siding.

The other guy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first guy explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed towards me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it into the siding."

The second guy was outraged. He yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed towards you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Movies Changed


For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn.

Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now.."

[worldangel]

Joke: Trouble at the bar

A guy goes into a bar and says, "Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!"
The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.

The guy drinks it fast. "Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!"

The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.

The guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"

The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.

Again, the guy drinks it fast. "Quick another beer before the trouble starts!"

The barman replies, "Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?"

"I haven't got any money!"

[worldangel]

Joke: This Too Is for the Ladies

A guy staggers to the bathroom, whipping out his penis even before he gets through the door.

Inadvertently, he’s wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman primping in the mirror.

“This is for ladies!” she screams. The drunk waves his dick at her and says, “So is this!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two bachelors...

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.
'I got a cookbook once,' said one, 'but I could never do anything with it.'

'Too much fancy work in it, eh?' asked the other.

'You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way -- 'Take a clean dish...''

[worldangel]

Joke: Dancing Duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two guys were fishing down by ...

Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?" 

Guy number one replied, " I don’t know.... why don’t ya come on over here?" 
"I don’t know.... I don’t see a bridge, and their aint no boat, and I don’t swim to well"
Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, " Why don’t you walk across this here beam off light?"

Guy number two was outraged and replied "do you think am stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Blonde Bet

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend"
The blonde said "No! A bet's a bet".

So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money"
The blonde replied "well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A fellow tries to cross the Mexican ...

A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The guard asks, 'What's in the bags?'

The fellow says, 'Sand!'

The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects... only to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border.

Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated...

'What have you there?'

'Sand'

'We want to examine.'

Same results... nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again.

Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue. Finally, one week the fellow didn't show up. However, the guard sees him downtown and says to the fellow, 'Buddy, you had us crazy. We sort of knew you were smuggling something. I won't say anything - what were you smuggling?'

The fellow says, 'Bicycles.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Make It Off The Island


There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, "I'm going to try to swim to shore." So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, "I wonder if she made it. I guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve." So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

So the blonde thought to herself, "I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too." So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, fifteen miles, and finally nineteen miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, "I'm too tired to go on!" So she swam back.

[worldangel]

Joke: Sexy Librarian

I have brown hair and I wear these glasses, and I usually have my hair up in a bun, so the other thing guys have often said to me is, You’re like a sexy librarian. You’re like a sexy librarian type. You’re a sexy librarian.

 

And I’m like, I’ve always thought of myself as more of a bookish whore. Sort of, you know, less of a nerd, more of a slut.
 

 

Edited March 29, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Welfare Office

A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid.
The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?"

"Ten," she replied.

"What are their names?" he asked.

"David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David, David and David," she answered.

"They're all named David?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?"

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'David,' and they all come running in."

"And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?"

"I just say, 'David, come eat your dinner'," she answered.

"But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked.

"Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Question to dentist

 

Dorothy went to visit her dentist with broken teeth. While she was seated on the dental chair, she asked the dentist, "Before you start working on me, I have a question. Will I be able to play the Saxophone when you are done?"

The dentist replied patiently, "Of course you will!"
Dorothy exclaimed , "Oh wonderful! I couldn't play a note before!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bought A Porsche

A fifteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!" He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." 
"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." 

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said. 
"It was the lady up the street," said the boy." I don't know her name--they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars." 

"Oh No," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." 

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. 

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but it seems he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back. He asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

[worldangel]

Joke: Used Car

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car. They said "Heavens no, we bought it." 

He said, "Then why don't you drive it away". 
Each of the women said "We can't drive". 
The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked "Then why did you buy it?" 

They answered, "We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed, so we are just waiting.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Hey Buddy, What's Your Hurry?

This guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 10 glasses and start filling them up with beer. So the bartender starts filling the glasses up with beer, and the man is right behind him drinking them straight down.

The bartender says, hay buddy what’s your hurry?

The man says if you had what I have you would do the same thing.

The bartender backs up and says what do you have. The man says about 75 cents!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fun Mrs. Stanley

A private eye is showing Stanley movies of Mrs. Stanley in bed with other men.

on the beach, at football game during halftime and all kinds of crazy places doing just about everything.

After viewing all this Stanley says, “I refuse to believe it!”

The private eye rather mortified says, “What --- you think I rigged the evidence?”

Stanley says, “No, of course not. I just can’t believe my wife could be so much fun.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Drinking the Milk 

The wife got up early in the morning and shouted; Hey, Banta, the cat has again drunk the milk.

Banta shouted back; “I have told you to wear a Bra while sleeping!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Yet He's the Stupid One

One day a man was walking in the street. He met another man who asked him what happened to his ears as both were covered with bandages.

He said "I was ironing my clothes when the phone bell rang. Instead of picking up the phone, I picked up the iron, and so I burnt my ears".

The man asked, "So what happened to your other ear?" He said, " That same stupid guy called again!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I got pulled over by a police ...

I got pulled over by a police officer and his dog sniffs for drugs. He comes over and says to me, "My dog says you have weed in the car." I responded, "Well I don't know about that, but I want whatever got you talking to the dog!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Life After Death

A couple made a deal that which ever died first, they would
come back and inform the other of the after life. Her biggest

fear was there was no heaven. After a long life the husband

was the first to go and true to his word he made contact.

Mary... Mary....

Is that you Fred?

Yes, I have come back like we agreed.

What is it like?

Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex, I have breakfast,

I have sex, I bath in the sun, then I have sex-twice, I have

lunch, then sex pretty much all afternoon, supper, then sex

till late at night, sleep then start all over again.

Oh Fred you surely must be in heaven.

"Hell no, I'm a rabbit in Texas."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Happy Hangover


Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong. 

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. 

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian" 

He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?" 

"Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." 

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"

[worldangel]

Joke: There is a fellow who is talking...

There is a fellow who is talking to his buddy and says, "I don't know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped."

 

His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!"

 

The first fellow does just that. The next day, his buddy asks, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?" "She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, 'I'll see you in two hours!'"
 

Edited March 30, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: More beer


A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighed and got him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said: "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."

The man sighed and said: "It's started."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Good news and bad news....

A doctor enters into a patient's room and informs the patient that he has good news and bad news. He then asks the patient which news he would like to hear.

The patient responds, "Doctor, give me the good news."

The doctor says, "Well we are gonna name a disease after you."

[worldangel]

Joke: Old Uncle Alec

Uncle Alec was taking his evening walk when he chanced upon a lady of the night, who was leaning against a lamp post.

The lady called out to Uncle Alec, "Hey old man, why don't you give it a try?"
Uncle Alec replied, "No, young lady, I don't think I can."
The woman persisted, "Oh come on, let's give it a try!"

Uncle Alec agreed and went with her into a seedy hotel room. He surprised her with the rigour with which he performed. 
The woman said, "I can't believe you said you don't think you can! You performed like a young boy!"

Uncle Alec replied, "Oh that!! That's not a problem at all, what I can't do is pay!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Gaseous Persian Rug  

At a carpet store a very well dress woman bent over and touched a Persian rug and she farted.

When she gets up she notices that there is a salesman standing behind her.

She then asks the salesman, “How much is this rug?”

The salesman replies, “Well, lady… if you farted just touching it, you’re gonna crap when you hear the price.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny Sees Double

Little Johnny was sitting in Beginning Sex Ed class when the teacher drew a picture of a penis on the board.

“Does anyone know what this is?” She asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and said, “Sure, my Dad has two of them!” “Two of them?” the teacher asked.

“Yeah, He has a little one that he uses to pee with and a big one that he uses to bush mommy’s teeth!”

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Bear Hunt

Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Girls Night Out...

The other night, I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise," were my last words.

The hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily and around 3 a.m. we piled into a cab and headed to our respective homes, quite inebriated.

Just as I walked through the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times!

Realizing that my husband would probably wake up to this, I quickly cuckooed another 9 times. I was quit pleased with myself for coming up with such a quick witted solution to cover up my tardiness. Even with my impaired judgment, I could count 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos equaled 12 cuckoos!

The next morning, my husband asked me what time I got in, and confidently, I replied, "Midnight...like I promised." He didn't even raise and eyebrow and went on reading the morning paper! Phew! Got away with that one!

After a moment, he then replied, "I think we might need a new cuckoo clock."

A bit nervously, I asked him why, to which he responded:

"Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3 times, then said, 'Oh, crap,' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[worldangel]

Joke: Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two son...

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek.

 

Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied.

 

"What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."
 

Edited March 31, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Fourth Husband

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth time. 

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your first husband?" 

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died." 
"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"
"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died." 

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband." 

"He died of a broken neck." 
"A broken neck?"
"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Any questions?

Mommy has told her little girl all about the making of babies. Little Annie is now silent for a while.

"You understand it now?" Mommy asks.

"Yes," replies her daughter.

"Do you still have any questions?"

"Yes, how about little kittens? How does that work?"

"In exactly the same way as with babies."

"Wow!" the girl exclaims. "My daddy can do ANYTHING!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Captain called the Sergeant...

The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram. Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward -- NOT SO FAST, McGRATH!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Manners

A religious farmer spent the day in the city.
In a restaurant for his noon meal, he sat near a group of young men.

After he bowed his head to give thanks for his food, one of the young men thought he would embarrass the old gentleman. "Hey, farmer, does everyone do that out where you live?"

The old man calmly replied, "No, son, the pigs don't!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Freak Accident

I went to a Six Flags.

 

There’s this new ride there; I had to wait in line for, like, four hours to get on this thing. Finally got on it, it was fine enough.

 

But then I see a couple of weeks later in the news, this girl goes on the exact same ride and, in some freak accident, her legs got lopped off at the knees.

 

I was like, What a terrible thing to happen to all of those people waiting in line.

 

Edited March 31, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A farmer walks into his bedroom...

A farmer walks into his bedroom carrying a lamb under his arm. He walks over to his wife who's laying in bed.

 

"See!" he yells, "This is the pig I have to have sex with whenever you get one of your headaches!" T

 

The wife says, "You know that's a lamb under your arm, don't you?" The farmer says, "I wasn't talking to you."
 

 

Edited March 31, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: What would you like for your birthday....

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her fortieth birthday. He says, "So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?"

She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce."

"My goodness," he says, "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Duct Tape & Onwards

An old man is sitting on his porch when he sees a young boy walking down the street dragging something behind him. He calls out to the boy, "Hey son, what you got there?" to which the boy replies, "It's duct tape, I'm gonna go catch me some ducks." The old man laughs and he calls out, "You fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!" The little boy laughs and continues on his way, returning a few short hours later, and behind him, he is dragging 8 ducks, all wrapped up in the duct tape. The old man can't believe his eyes.

The next day, the old man is sitting on his porch again and along comes the little boy dragging something behind him. When the old man asks what he's got this time, the boy replies, "It's a spool of chicken wire, I'm going to catch some chickens in it." Well the old man begins to laugh quite hard, telling the boy, "You fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire."

The boy laughs himself, and says back, "That's what you said about the duct tape," and he continues on his way, with the old man laughing like crazy. A few hours later the old man is surprised to see the boy coming back, and even more shocked to see that behind him he is dragging 10 chickens, all tangled up in the chicken wire, he can't believe his eyes again.

The next day, the old man is sitting there wondering what the little boy will be up to next, and sure enough he sees him coming down the street with something in his hand. He calls out to the boy, "Hey son, what you go there today?

" The boy responds, "It's a pussy willow."

The man then replies, "Hang on son, I'll get my hat!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Go Give Us A Donation


Traffic was backed up for miles, the police were going car to car. When they got to my car I asked the officer what was going on.

He said "It's Al Gore. He's up there threatening to set himself on fire! We are going car to car collecting donations."

"Donations!" I said, "How much you got so far?"
He said "about ten gallons."