Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A man was walking in the street ...

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you."

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die."

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" 

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. 

"Oh yeah?" the man asked... "And where the hell were you when I got married?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Smarter than a kid

It was my turn to drive the carpool and drop the children to school. We were on the way to school, when a six-year-old boy asked me how the moon shines.

Trying to sound smarter then a 6 year old, I explained, "When the light from the Sun hits the moon and reflects back, we are able to see the light. It's the same as - when you look into a mirror and the light reflects back your image and you can see yourself." I was feeling proud for sounding intelligent.

The boy promptly replied, "Mrs. Jones, I do not glow like the moon in the mirror, so how does it glow?"

Well, he had me there and I managed to say, "That's the reason why your parents are sending you to school, so you can find out and tell me."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Trying to Take It With You

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can't take it with you." After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.

He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan was that when he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer's wife had gone up in the attic to clean. Coming upon the two forgotten pillowcases stuffed with cash she exclaimed, "Oh, that darned old fool, I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tractor Salesman

A farmer walked into a bar and saw the local tractor salesman sitting there, head hung low, obviously upset, drowning his sorrows in his beer. 
"What's up, John?" asked the farmer. 

"Gosh Bob, I'll tell you what ... if I don't sell a tractor soon, I'm gonna have to close my shop." 
"Now John, things could be worse," said Bob. 
"How do you figure?" asked John. 

"Well, John - you know my ornery cow, Bessie? I went to milk her this morning and she just kept flicking her tail in my face. So I grabbed a piece of rope and tied it up to the rafter. Then, the nasty thing went and kicked the bucket away! So I tied her leg to the wall. Then she kicked my stool right out from underneath me! But I was out of rope. So I took my belt off and used it to tie her other leg to the other side of the stall. Well wouldn't you just know it...my damn pants fell down.

And John, if you can convince my wife that I was in there to MILK that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you TODAY!"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Someone Really Stinks


A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."

To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."

[worldangel]

Joke: Stop the bus!!

A group of people were traveling cross-country on a Greyhound bus. The driver had just turned onto the interstate highway when a woman came up to him and said, "Please stop the bus, there's a man back there who's bothering me."

The driver said he stop at the very next exit but before he got there, another woman came up and made the same complaint. When the driver was finally able to stop, he walked to the rear of the bus and saw a little old bald-headed man down on his hands and knees looking under the seats. The bus driver said, "Sir, what seems to be the problem?"

"I lost my toupee and I'm looking for it. I thought I'd found it several times but mine parts on the side."

[worldangel]

Joke: Happy Birthday

A young blonde woman goes to an office for a job interview.
The interviewer decides to start with the basics. "So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?"

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 3 seconds before replying "Ehh... 23!".

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. "And can you tell us your height, please?"

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, "Five foot three!"

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. "And ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?"

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying "Stephanie".

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks "Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?"

"Ohh that!" replies the blonde, "That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you...'"

[worldangel]

Joke: Obsessions

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. 
To the first mother, he said, "You are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." 

He turned to the second Mom. "Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny," 

He turned to the third Mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy."

At this point, the fourth mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and whispered, "Come on, Dick, let's go".

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Not older...just better....

For his wife's birthday, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription:

"You are not getting older, you are getting better."

When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."

It wasn't until the good doctor was ready to serve the cake that he discovered it read:

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lawyer Vacancy

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.

 

Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?"

 

In seconds, he chooses Paul.

 

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside.

 

"I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"

 

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Robert replies.

 

"Your hands? What do you mean?"

 

"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"

 

 

Edited April 4, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Meals on Wheels

 

A cat died and went to heaven. St. Peter met the cat at the gate and said, "Welcome. Is there anything you didn't have on Earth that I can get for you, here in Heaven?".

 

The cat thought for a moment and said, "Yes, I always had to sleep on a hard floor, could I get a warm soft bed?". St. Peter arranged for it.

 

Next, four mice died and went to heaven. St. Peter asked the same question, and the mice thought a moment and said, "Yes, we were always running on Earth, could we get roller skates here in heaven?" St. Peter of course granted their wish.

 

About a month went by and St. Peter saw the cat and asked how he liked his bed. The cat said, "I like it alot, but I really enjoy those 'Meals on Wheels'".

 

 

 

Edited April 4, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Breast feeding

 

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open.

 

A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out."

 

As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

 

She says, "Why, officer?" "Well, your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!" 
 

Edited April 4, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Bus stop

 

 

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.

 

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

 

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

 

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

 

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!" 

 

Edited April 4, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Caller ID

 

Hello? Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone? No, daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul. After a brief pause, daddy say but honey you don’t have an Uncle Paul. Oh yes I do, & he’s upstairs in the room with mommy right now.

 

Brief pause. Uh ok then I want you to put the phone down & run upstairs & knock on the door & shout to mommy that daddy’s car just pulled up. Ok daddy just a min. A few min later the lil girl comes back to the phone. I did it daddy. And what happened honey?

 

Well mommy got scared, jumped outta bed naked & ran round screaming then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser & now she isn’t moving at all! OMG!!! What about your uncle Paul? He jumped outta the back window into the pool. But I guess he didn’t know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it & I think he’s dead! Real long pause!

 

Then daddy says, Swimming pool? Is this 486-5732?

 

Little girl says: No I think you have the wrong number 
 

 

Edited April 4, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Camping men

 

 

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy. One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves.  Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day. Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." 

 

The second friend agrees and hikes south. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream.

 

The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?" The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon.

 

Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, So, I came back to camp." "Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"  "Nah," says the second friend eating his meal, "I couldn't find her head." 

 

Edited April 4, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Train Ride

 

 A man with 8 children is traveling by train. A lady asked: "Are they your children?"

 

 Man: "No Madam! Actually I am the owner of a condom company and they are the complaints of my customers."

 

 What’s the difference between a coffin and a condom? One you go in the other you come in! 

 

Edited April 4, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Pig Farmer 

There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"

"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"

"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes." Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"

"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat." And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Rosebuds...

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Passport...

 

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.

 

Until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.

 

"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please." The old gal raised her right hand.

 

"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question.

 

The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh . . . all by myself?"

 

 

Edited April 4, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Blow job

 

 

A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea. She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died.

 

The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much. After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him.

 

 "Henry," she said, "you know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat." "And Henry," she said, "you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!"

 

 "And Henry," she continued, "you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream." "Oh, and Henry," she said, "you know that blow job you always wanted?" and she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea . . . 

 

Edited April 4, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Passport...

 

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.

 

Until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.

 

"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please." The old gal raised her right hand.

 

"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question.

 

The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh . . . all by myself?"

 

 

 

Edited April 5, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Whore Friends

Were at this bar, and I’m talking to this guy. He’s kind of leaning in like maybe he’s intrigued by me, or something.

 

All of a sudden, I look up and I notice, out of the corner of my eye, my friend that I came there with is doing some sort of a titty dance on the bar, right above us. And you can’t really compete with that.

 

Cause I think that every man hopes and prays that a titty jig is just going to erupt at any moment in their lives.

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Rosebuds...

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Sick Duck

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat. 

The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food. 

"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown." 

The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient. 

"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires. 
"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man. 
"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the Doctor. 

[worldangel]

Joke: Phone Book

Once a blonde went to the library to get a book.

 

A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it."

 

The librarian says to the other librarian, "So here is the person who took our phone book!"

 

Edited April 5, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Blind carpenter

 

 

A blind carpenter walks into a lumber mill and shouts out, "I am a blind carpenter and I need a job." The foreman walks over to the blind carpenter and says, "If you're blind, how can you work in a lumber yard?" The blind carpenter says, "I can tell any piece of lumber by it's smell."

 

The foreman says "O.K. I'll give you a test and if you pass the test, you've got a job." The foreman takes the carpenter over to a table and says, "I will put some lumber on a table in front of you and you tell me what it is."

 

The foreman then puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!" The carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other. He says "That's a number two pine, two by four, eight foot long."

 

The foreman says, "Duh! That's right, but pine is easy to tell by the smell and I think you guessed the rest. Here's another piece of lumber for you to identify." The foreman puts a piece of lumber on the table and says, "Ready!"

 

The blind carpenter bends over and takes a deep sniff moving his head from one side to the other and says, "This is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side." The foreman does this and says "Ready!"

 

The carpenter takes another deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He then says, "That's a clear heart red wood, four by four, six foot long." The foreman is amazed and says "That's right, but I still think you're just lucky and still guessing. Let me try one more time and if you get it right you got a job."

 

The foreman then goes into the office and asks his secretary to help him stump the blind carpenter by taking off all of her clothes and laying down on the table. She takes off her clothes walks out of the office and lays face down on the table.

 

The foreman says, "Ready!" The blind carpenter takes a deep sniff moving his head from side to side. He looks puzzled and takes another sniff and says, "This also is a tough one, please turn it over so I can smell the other side."

 

The foreman gestures with his hand to the secretary, she rolls over, and the foreman says, "Ready!" The blind carpenter moves his head from side to side again looking puzzled. He sniffs one more time, looks surprised, and says, "I got it. That's a shit house door off a tuna boat." He got the job. 

 

Edited April 5, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The mop threat

Jerry got into a brawl with the class bully. The big bully, in a threatening tone, growled, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."

Jerry, mustering enough courage, replied back, "You will regret it."

The bully said, "Really? And do you mind explaining why?"

Jerry replied, "I don't think you will be able to get into the corners very well."

[worldangel]

Joke: Christmas shopping...

It is the Christmas season and the judge is in a benevolent mood. He asks the accused man, "Well, Mr. Jones, what crime were you accused of committing this time of the year ?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early, your honor," replies Mr. Jones humbly.

"That's no crime," comments the judge. "What time did you do your early Christmas shopping?"

"Just before the store opened."

[worldangel]

Joke: Fly open

Mr. Reiss got himself a new secretary. Maggie was young, sweet and polite.
One day while taking dictation, Maggie noticed his fly was open and, on leaving the room, she said "Oh, Mr Reiss, did you know that your barracks door is open?"

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in, he asked "By the way, Miss Bolt, when you saw my barracks door open this morning, did you see a soldier standing at attention?" She was quite witty.

"Why, no, Mr. Reiss" she replied. "All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two old duffel bags."

[worldangel]

Joke: Pickup truck full of penguins...

A police officer sees a man driving around with a pickup truck full of penguins. He pulls the guy over and says, "You can't drive around with penguins in this town! Take them to the zoo immediately."

The guy obliges and drives away.

The next day, the officer sees the same guy driving around with the truck full of penguins again. This time, though, all the penguins are wearing sunglasses.

The police officer pulls the guy over and says, "I thought I told you to take these penguins to the zoo yesterday?"

The guy replies, "I did, and today I'm taking them to the beach."

[worldangel]

Joke: Fish Cost A Fortune


Two Virginia rednecks go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. I mean they spend a fortune!

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the men catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One guy turns to the other and says, "Do you realise that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred bucks?"

The other guy says, "Wow! Then it's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Old flame...

A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. She recognized him as an old flame.

"Honey," she said to her husband, as she pointed out the man, "that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Orange Alert at the Airport

They make that announcement, If you notice anything unusual, please immediately report it to airport security.

 

So, I grab the guy, I go, Yeah, I just saw somebody pay $11 for a cup of coffee at Starbucks. And right around the corner, they’re selling luggage inside the airport. I’m going to do another lap. I’ll let you know if I see anything.

 

 

Edited April 5, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Grandpa and Grandpa...

Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about "the good days," when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?"

Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and took her aged hand in his. With a wry little smile Grandma pressed a little farther, "Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged you'd sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?"

Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.

Growing bolder still, Grandma said, "Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you'd kind of nibble on my ear?"

Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, "Honey, where are you going?"

Grandpa replied, "To get my teeth!
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Statue

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. 

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." 

"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. 
"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water".

[worldangel]

Joke: Oops

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead. 

"Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?" asks the doctor. 
"Oh, no," replies the nurse, "I gave him eight tablets every two hours!" 
At the next bed the next patient also appears half dead. 

"Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?" 
"Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour," replies the nurse. 
Unfortunately at the next bed the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. "Nurse," asks the doctor, "did you prick his boil?"

"OH MY GOODNESS!" replies the nurse.

[worldangel]

Joke: Breast feeding

 

A blonde woman is walking down the street, with her blouse open.

 

A cop is approaching from about a block away, thinking, "Boy, my eyes must be going, it looks like that woman's right breast is hanging out."

 

As he gets closer it becomes apparent that her breast is hanging out. When he gets face to face with her he says, "Ma'am, are you aware I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

 

She says, "Why, officer?" "Well, your breast is hanging out." She looks down and says "OMIGOD, I left the baby on the bus!" 

 

Edited April 6, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Bus stop

 

In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.

 

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't.

 

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her dismay, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind a third time to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

 

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus. She went ballistic and turned to the would be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

 

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends!" 
 

Edited April 6, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Caller ID

 

 

Hello? Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is mommy near the phone? No, daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul. After a brief pause, daddy say but honey you don’t have an Uncle Paul. Oh yes I do, & he’s upstairs in the room with mommy right now.

 

Brief pause. Uh ok then I want you to put the phone down & run upstairs & knock on the door & shout to mommy that daddy’s car just pulled up. Ok daddy just a min. A few min later the lil girl comes back to the phone. I did it daddy. And what happened honey?

 

Well mommy got scared, jumped outta bed naked & ran round screaming then tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser & now she isn’t moving at all! OMG!!! What about your uncle Paul? He jumped outta the back window into the pool. But I guess he didn’t know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of it & I think he’s dead! Real long pause!

 

Then daddy says, Swimming pool? Is this 486-5732?

 

Little girl says: No I think you have the wrong number 

 

Edited April 6, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Camping men

 

Two men camping in the mountains had spent four days together, and they were getting a little testy.

 

One morning, the first friend says, "You know, we're starting to get on each other's nerves.  Why don't we split up today. I'll hike north and spend the day looking around, you hike south and spend the day.

 

Then tonight, we'll have dinner and share our experiences over the campfire." 

 

The second friend agrees and hikes south. That night over dinner, the first man tells his story. "Today I hiked into a beautiful valley. I followed a stream up into a canyon and ate lunch. Then I swam in a crystal clear mountain lake. As I sat out and dried, I watched deer come and drink from the stream.

 

The wildflowers were filled with butterflies and hawks floated all day overhead. How was your day?" The second friend says, "I went south and ran across a set of railroad tracks. I followed them until I came across a beautiful young woman tied to the tracks. I cut the ropes off, gently lifted her off the tracks, and we had sex in every imaginable way all afternoon.

 

Finally, when I was so tired I could barely move, So, I came back to camp." "Wow!!" the first guy exclaimed, "Your day was MUCH better than mine. Did you get a blow job, too?"  "Nah," says the second friend eating his meal, "I couldn't find her head." 

 

Edited April 6, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A Yogi Walked into a Pizza Parlour…

What did the Yogi say when he walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor?
"Make me one with everything."

When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don't I get change?"
The proprietor said, "Change must come from within."

[worldangel]

Joke: A Roll Of The Dice

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady wearing a huge fur coat walked in and asked if she could bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
The dealers said yes and were happy to oblige.

She then said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'll feel much luckier if I take off my coat." With that, she took off her coat and was wearing a skin-tight Wonder-woman outfit!

The men looked her up and down as she leaned over the table, rolled the dice, and yelled, "Come on baby, come on!"

She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling "YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!" With that, she picked up her winnings and quickly left.

The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, "What the heck did she roll anyway?"

The second dealer answered, "I don't know. I thought you were paying attention!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stolen Car

A drunk phoned the police to report that thieves had broken in to his car. 
"They've stolen the dashboard, steering wheel, break pedal, even the accelerator," he cried out.

However, before the police investigation could get under way the phone rang a second time, with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," said the drunk with a hiccup, "I got in the backseat by mistake."

[worldangel]

Joke: Cemetery

 A man placed some flowers on the grave of his departed mother and started back for his car, parked on the cemetery road. His attention was diverted to a man kneeling at a grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity, and kept repeating, "Why did you die? Why did you die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't want to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of hurt and pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? Your Child? A parent? Who, may I ask, lies in that grave?"

The mourner answered, "My wife's first husband! ... Why did you die? Why did you die?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Gates of heaven

The lawyer is standing at the gate to Heaven and St. Peter is listing his sins:
1) Defending a large corporation in a pollution suit where he knew they were guilty.

2) Defending an obviously guilty murderer because the fee was high.

3) Overcharging fees to many clients.

4) Prosecuting an innocent woman because a scapegoat was needed in a controversial case.

...And the list goes on for quite awhile.

The lawyer objects and begins to argue his case. He admits all these things, but argues, "Wait, I've done some charity in my life also."

St. Peter looks in his book and says,"Yes, I see. Once you gave a dime to a panhandler and once you gave an extra nickel to the shoeshine boy, correct?"

The lawyer gets a smug look on his face and replies, "Yes."

St. Peter turns to the angel next to him and says, "Give this guy 15 cents and tell him to go to hell."

[worldangel]

Joke: Are Blind Pilots Flying?


One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.
The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.
Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.
Up in the cockpit, the cop

Pilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Caught on the Job

The new army recruit was given guard duty at 2 a.m. He did his best for a while, but at about 4 a.m. he went to sleep. He awakened to find the officer of the day standing before him.

Remembering the heavy penalty for being asleep on guard duty, this smart young man kept his head bowed for another moment and looked upward and reverently said,  “A-a-a-men!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Poisonous Snake

 

2 friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of them jumps up screaming, "A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!!".

The other friend said, "don't worry, I am going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!".
So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor.

"Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friend says. "It's ok", the doctor says, "all you have to do is suck the poison out.".

The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friends asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?"

 

The other friend replies, "doctor said you gonna die!"

 

 

Edited April 6, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Break in....

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "We had $100 when we broke in!"

 

[worldangel]

 

 Joke: Problem With Vampires

The problem with vampires is they look like they’re 20, but they’re actually 100 years old. So you’ll be dating this hot, young guy who grew up in the Great Depression and hates Irish people.

 

And then you take him out to a nightclub, and he’s doing the Charleston. Or you think he’s cheating on you, so you go through his journal. You’re like, Who the hell is this slut? Harriet Tubman?

 

Who the f**k is that?

 

 

Edited April 6, 2016 by worldangel