Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Sex and athletics....

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.

In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Smart Cat

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. 

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. 
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. 
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! 

 

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. 

 

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" 
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"
 

Edited April 6, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A drunk was staggering down the...

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.

 

A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

 

Edited April 6, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Herd of cows...

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be "macho," so he went out walking with one of the hired hands. As they were walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation: "Say, look at that big bunch of cows."

The hired hand replied, "Not 'bunch,' but 'herd.' "

"Heard what?"

"Herd of cows."

"Sure, I've heard of cows. There's a big bunch of 'em right over there."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Nude Running

A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 
"Oh My God - Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover. "And jump out the window. My husband's home early!" 

"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"

 
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. 
"He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!" 
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! 

As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon. 

He started running along beside the others about 300 of them. 
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. 

It wasn't that effective! 
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer. 

"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked. 
"Oh yes" he replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running." 

Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?" 

"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!" 
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Young Man & Condom

 

 

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

 

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the" night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack."

 

The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes.

 

The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

 

Edited April 7, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: You never tell me

A man says to his wife, “You never tell me when you have an orgasm.”

“You’re never home.” She replies.

[worldangel]

Joke: Train Ride

 

 A man with 8 children is traveling by train. A lady asked: "Are they your children?"

 

 Man: "No Madam! Actually I am the owner of a condom company and they are the complaints of my customers."

 

Edited April 7, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Was I Good? 

The morning after Sue asks Jeff, “Was I any good?”

Jeff says, “Were you any good? I haven’t been this sore since I was circumcised.”

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Q & A

Q: What is the definition of mixed emotions?

A: Watching your mother-in-law go off the cliff in your brand new Lexus.

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Moral Of The Story

Story: One day, a cat and a rooster went for a walk. The cat slipped and fell into a pond full of water. When it came out, it was all wet.

The rooster laughed his heart out.

Moral of the story: Where there is a wet pussy, there is a happy cock

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How Was Your Day? 

One-day tits, ass, and pussy were all having a nice day. Tits asked ass how was his day, he replied, “boring as ever. I did nothing but shit all day.”

Then ass asked tits how was their day, they replied, "oh nothing, just a little wet from here and there and always being held”.

Pussy was so quiet, so tits and ass asked pussy how was his day, and he replied, “It was terrible, some big guy busted through the door, pinned me on the wall, and spit in my face.”

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Pig Farmer 

There was a farmer who had many pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"

"Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"

"Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes." Then he fined the farmer.

Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"

"Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat." And he fined the farmer.

Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Disgusting! 

Two farmers walking through a field; one stoop down and dips his finger in some cow dung and rubs it across his lips.

The second farmer asks him why he did such a disgusting thing.

The first one replies, ‘I have chapped lips!'. The second one asks him, ‘does it make them better?' He replies,' No! But it stops you from licking them!'

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Wedding Night

Maria had just gotten married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin.

On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous.

But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went.

When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and said, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest."

"Don't worry, Maria," said her mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

Up she went again.

When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs.

Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother, "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go up stairs and he'll take good care of you."

Up she went again.

When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs.

"Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," said her mother.

"This is a job for Mama."

[worldangel]

Joke: Speech Impediment

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"
"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."

"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"

"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.

"What do you mean her speech impediment?"

inquired the first fellow.

"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"

"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Cured!

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under ... you gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

"How much do you charge?"

"A hundred dollars per visit."

"I'll sleep on it," said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street.

"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for tendollars."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Buying A Chainsaw


This fellow is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his back yard. He goes to a chainsaw shop and asks about various chainsaws. The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day." 

So, the man takes the chainsaw home and begins working on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw. "How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" the man asks himself. "I will begin first thing in the morning and cut all day," the man tells himself. So, the next morning the man gets up at 4 am in the morning and cuts and cuts, and cuts till nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords. 

The man is convinced this is a bad saw. "The dealer told me it would cut one hundred cords of wood in a day, no problem. I will take this saw back to the dealer," the man says to himself. 
The very next day the man brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by the man's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case. The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then the dealer starts the chainsaw, to which the man responds, "What's that noise? 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Not a Member

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball when suddenly a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head.
He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband," she says.

He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either."

He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.

"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Old Man: "Are you the young fellow...

Old Man: "Are you the young fellow who sold me this tube yesterday and told me it was toothpaste?"

Clerk: "Yes sir."
Old Man: "Well, I tried for half an hour this morning and I couldn't get my teeth to stick in."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Helping Your Father


A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.
"You look hot, my son," said the cleric. "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."
"No thanks," said the young man.

"My father wouldn't like it."
"Don't be silly," the minister said.
"Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Harvesting a profit...

A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road, and the car became bogged.

After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted, and minutes later, the car was free.

The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields, incredulously, and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?

"No," the young farmer replied, seriously. "Night is when I put the water in the hole."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Use The Word

A pre-school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word "definitely" in a sentence?"
First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."

The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can also be grey or orange."
Then a little boy says, "Trees are definitely green."
"Sorry, but in the autumn the trees are brown."

Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!"
"OK. Then I have definitely shit my pants."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Phobia

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia. 

"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!" 

"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears." 
"How much do you charge?" 
"A hundred dollars per visit." 

"I'll sleep on it," said the man. 
Six months later the doctor met the man on the street. 
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist. 

"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars." 
"Is that so! How?" He told me to cut the legs off the bed!

[worldangel]

Joke: A 70-year-old man has never be...

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"

"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -"

His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"

"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doggie style

 

This beautiful girl went to her doctor complaining about pain in all her joints. The Doctor went through a whole series of tests and couldn't find anything wrong with her. After he had explained this to her he said: "There has to be something else, have you recently changed anything in your lifestyle"?

 

She said, "Well, the only thing I know of is that I started making love Doggie Style, could that be causing it"? The Doctor said, "Maybe, why don't you stop it and see if you improve"?

 

She said, "I can't stop, that's the only way my dog knows how to fuck". 
 

 

Edited April 7, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: First sperm

 

Once there was a sperm named Bob. When all the other sperm were just swimming around, Bob was doing sprints and lifting weights. One day, all the other sperms asked him, "Why don't you just swim around like us?"

 

Bob replied, with a smirk, "Well, when the time comes, I'm gonna be the first one there." The others told him it was just destiny, but he said it wasn't. So, the day finally came when they were called upon. They were swimming along when Bob pulled ahead of the rest. Suddenly he stopped and turned around and headed back.

 

The others asked him why he turned around and he said, "Back up boys, it's a BLOW JOB!" 

 

Edited April 7, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A Roll Of The Dice

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at the craps tables for players when a gorgeous blonde lady wearing a huge fur coat walked in and asked if she could bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
The dealers said yes and were happy to oblige.

She then said, "I hope you don't mind, but I'll feel much luckier if I take off my coat." With that, she took off her coat and was wearing a skin-tight Wonder-woman outfit!

The men looked her up and down as she leaned over the table, rolled the dice, and yelled, "Come on baby, come on!"

She then jumped up and down, hugging each of the casino dealers while yelling "YES, I WIN! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT, I WIN!!" With that, she picked up her winnings and quickly left.

The dealers stood there staring at each other dumbfounded, until one finally asked the other, "What the heck did she roll anyway?"

The second dealer answered, "I don't know. I thought you were paying attention!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Doctor and patient...

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.

"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.

The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, "I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close my own incision!"

The doctor hands him the needle and thread and says, "Suture self."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: When I was married, my wife us...

When I was married, my wife used to call me handsome. As a matter of fact, we are now divorced but she STILL calls me handsome.

Every time I have some money, she says, HANDSOME OVER.

[worldangel]

Joke: A college pizza delivery boy a...

A college pizza delivery boy arrived at the house of Mr. Smith. He delivered the pizza to his trailer. After giving it to him, Mr. Smith asked: "What is the usual tip?" 

"Well," replied the youth, "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." 
"Is that so?" snorted Mr. Smith. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars." 

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund." 
"What are you studying in school?" asked Larry. 
The lad smiled and said: "Applied psychology." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Change for a $15 bill

An incompetent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.

He figures that the only way he's going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren't too bright and change his phoney money for real cash.

He travels to a small town and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, "Do you have change for a $15 bill?"

The old man replies, "I sure do...How would you like that? An eight and a seven or two sixes and a three?"

[worldangel]

Joke: List of Priorities

I don’t have any curtains in my apartment. I tried to buy curtains; I went to the store, I was like, I would like these curtains, please. And they were like, $40. And I was like, Nope.

 

Found out right then just how low on my list of priorities curtains were. It turns out I’d rather get drunk once than ever have curtains for the rest of my life.
 

Edited April 8, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: An airplane encountered some turbulence...

An airplane encountered some turbulence, it started juddering and rocking noticeably from side to side. The flight crew wheeled out the drinks cart to keep the passengers calm. 

The attendant asked a business man, "Would you like a drink?" 

"Why not?" he replied unkindly, "I'll have whatever the pilot's been having.

[worldangel]

Joke: Dropped Your Wallet


Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet.

 

Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in. Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."

 

 

Edited April 8, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Gathering snails

A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for all the major status figures in Rome, Italy.

The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for this dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket she was handing him to gather some snails. Very grudgingly he agreed.

He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman walking alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just come down and talk to me." He went back to gathering the snails.

All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They got to talking, and she invited him back to her place.

They were at her apartment a ways down the beach, and they started messing around. It got so hot and heavy, that he was exhausted afterwards and passed out there.

At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no! My wife's dinner party!"

He gathered all his clothes, put them on really quickly, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door.

He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.

There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.

He looked at the snails on the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said - "Come on guys, we're almost there!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A union shop

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."

Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a Union House."

The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"

"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20."

"That's more like it!!!" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00,
looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde. "I'd like her for the night."

"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85 year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A three-year-old had been told

A three-year-old had been told several times to get ready for bed. The last time his mom told him, she was every insistent. His response was, "Yes, Sir!" Since he was talking to his mother (and she is a woman), it was not expected of him to call her "Sir".

"You would say, 'yes sir,' to a man, I am a lady, and you would say 'Yes Ma'am,' to a lady," Mom said. To quiz him on is lesson; she then asked him, "What would you say to Daddy?"
"Yes Sir!" was the reply

"Then what would you say to Mama?"
"Yes, Ma'am!" he proudly answered.

"Good boy! Now what would you say to Grandma?"
He lit up and said, "Can I have a cookie?"


 

[worldangel]

Joke: Loyal secretary

 

Bernice had been employed at the same office for over 50 years and was the boss’s top secretary. Everyone was jealous of her. Every day when Bernice showed up for work she would open the drawer to her left, peek inside, and then lock it.

 

When she finally died, her co-worker Sandy, who was dying of curiosity, made it her mission to figure out what was in that drawer. After days of searching she finally found the key. Sweating with excitement she slowly opened up the drawer. Inside was a folded piece of paper. Slowly she reached inside and took it out, while cautiously looking over her shoulder.

 

After a few seconds of trepidation she opened it up. It said the following “Put only one spoonful of sugar in the boss’s coffee.”

 

Edited April 8, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Son-in-law

 

Sam was the owner of a worldwide branch of stores and a multi-millionaire. When his daughter Sandy got engaged to a very religious young man he called the future Groom into his office.

 

“So tell me,” said Sam, sitting the young man down. “What are your plans for the future?” “Well”, said the Groom. “I plan on studying holy works all of my life.” “And how exactly do you plan on supporting my daughter if you are studying all day?” questioned Sam.

 

“I am sure The Heaven will provide.” answered the young man. “And what about your kids? How do you plan on supporting them?” “The Lord will provide” answered the young man again. “How did it go?” asked Sam’s wife after they finished talking. “It went great” Sam replied. “I had just met the young fellow and already he thinks I’m the Lord!”

 

Edited April 8, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Bar excuse

 

Harry was sick and tired of being constantly badgered by his wife Barbara for spending so much time at the bar.

 

Hoping it would help matters, Harry invited Barbara along with him. “So what would you like?” Harry cordially asked, as she took her seat next to him. “Oh I don’t know” Barbara replied, “I guess I’ll take the same thing as you.” “OK” said Harry to the bartender, “we’ll take two Johnny Walker’s on the rocks!” Barbara barely took a sip of the drink before she started gagging

 

“Oh my gosh! Get me a cup of water! This stuff is horrible! How do you drink this garbage?” “See?” said Harry “and you think I come here just to have a good time?!“
 

Edited April 8, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

 

Joke: Jobs at the food company...

One day, three unemployed factory workers heard that a large food company was enlarging and needed more staff. So they went downtown to see if they could get themselves a job.

After filing out their applications, each one was interviewed and each one managed to get hired. As they were waiting to be assigned their new duties, a foreman came by and spoke to the hiring boss.

The foreman told the boss that he didn't think it was such a good idea as one of the workers had snapped for no apparent reason at his last job.

Also a second was said to have had cracked up after severe mental stress.

The third, he believed was their father who he felt was a bit odd but he couldn't put his finger on it.

The hiring boss reassured the foreman and said that they would start on something easy and after a week, the company would re-assess them to see if they would be kept on.

The foreman reluctantly agreed and asked the boss where he thought they should start.

The boss replied, "Why not take them and put them in our Cereal Division...Snap, Crackle and Pop should work out fine down there."

[worldangel]

 

 Joke: Sally phoned her husband, Bill...

Sally phoned her husband, Bill, at work for a chat. 

"I'm sorry dear," said Bill, "but I'm up to my neck in work today. I don't have time to chat." 

Sally replied, "But I've got some good news and some bad news for you, dear." 

"OK darling," said Bill, "but as I've got no time right now, just give me the good news." 

"Okay," agreed Sally. "Well, the air bag works!"
 

Edited April 8, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Best room in the hotel?

The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire."

[worldangel]

Joke: Present joke

 

John  gingerly walked up to the sales lady in the clothing store “I would like to buy my wife a pretty pink scarf. ”

 

“How cute” exclaimed the sales lady,  “sounds like it’s going to be a great surprise.” “It sure is” said John “she’s expecting a new car!”
 

Edited April 9, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Happy boss

 

My boss called me into his office today.

 

“We both know you’re not the brightest spark here, Simon,” he said, “but over the last 5 years you’ve never been sick or late and I think you deserve a reward.

 

So, how does a brand new car sound?” “Vrooom! Vrooooom!” I replied.

 

Edited April 9, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Introduced lawyers

"You are a cheat!" shouted the attorney to his opponent.
"And you're a liar!" bellowed the opposition.

Banging his gavel loudly, the judge interjected, "Now that both attorneys have been identified for the record, let's get on with the case."

[worldangel]

Joke: John received a free ticket to...

John received a free ticket to the Super Bowl. Unfortunately. John's seat was in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the stadium.

 

He noticed an empty seat 10 rows up from the 50-yard line. He decides to make his way to the empty seat. As he sits down he asks the man next to him if anyone is sitting there. The man told him no, it was empty. John is very excited to have a seat like this at a Super Bowl and asks why in the world no one is using it?

 

The man replied that it was his wife's seat but she passed away. He said this was the first Super Bowl that they have not attended together since they were married in 1968. John said that it was really sad and asked if he couldn't find someone, a relative or a close friend to take the seat?

"No" replied the man, "They're at her funeral!"

 

Edited April 9, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The Ring


An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. 
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. 

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. 
The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." 
At that Statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. 
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." 

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check. "I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. 

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." 
"I know," said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?" 

Moral of the story: Don't mess with Old People.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A picky customer

A picky customer comes to a small food shop and sees a new delivery of fresh fruit. 

"Give me two kilograms of oranges and wrap every orange up in a separate piece of paper, please," he says to the saleswoman. 
She does.

"And three kilograms of cherries, please, and wrap up every one in a separate piece of paper, too." 
She does.

"And what is that there," he asks pointing out a bushel basket in the corner.
"Raisins," says the saleswoman, "but they are not for sale!"