Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Once upon a time there was a ….

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south.

In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!

Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.

Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.

The Moral of the Story:

Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy

Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.

And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.

[worldangel]

Joke: Her age

Harold's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle" products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Harold replied, "Judging from your skin, twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Harold interrupted.

"I haven't added them up yet."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blow job

 

A woman is on one of those funeral cruises where the ashes of loved ones may be dumped into the sea. She had been married to a real cheapskate, who after 30 years of marriage finally died.

 

The lady had her husband cremated, at his wishes, because he felt a plot would cost too much. After the memorial services, she went to the railing and poured his ashes out into her hands and started talking to him.

 

 "Henry," she said, "you know that mink cape I wanted all my life? Well your company sold for so much that now I have bought myself a beautiful full length mink coat." "And Henry," she said, "you know that trip to the Caribbean I always wanted to take? Well, I took a world cruise for 90 days and it was wonderful!"

 

 "And Henry," she continued, "you know that big blue Cadillac I had been hoping for the last 5 years? Well I bought a Rolls Royce instead and it drives like a dream." "Oh, and Henry," she said, "you know that blow job you always wanted?" and she blew the ashes out of her hands into the sea . . . 
 

 

Edited April 9, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Perfect fit

I was a salesman at one of the big departmental stores in a city. One day, a lady walked in and asked me to help her select a sky blue shirt that she wanted to gift her husband. When I asked her about the size, she seemed to be at a loss for a while, then suddenly she was cheerful, and holding up her arms, she formed a circle with her thumbs and forefingers.

"I am not sure about the size, but his neck fits perfectly between by hands!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Soldier Stands Guard


A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?" 

The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler." 
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield." 
The general said, "Drive on!" 

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker." 
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!" 
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?" 

[worldangel]

Joke: The magician and the parrot...

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show.

"Look, it's not the same hat!" "Look, he's hiding the flowers under the table!" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?"

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side.

They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said, "Okay, I give up. What'd you do with the boat?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Trip to Vegas

George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas. When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off.
Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That sweet young thing?"

"Let's go up to our room and I'll prove it."

In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for 'Bambi' to come to room 1217.

"Now," he said, "you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?"

Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively.

George asked, "How much do you charge?"

"$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services."

Even George was taken aback.

"$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25."

Bambi laughed derisively.

"You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price."

"Well," said George, "I guess we can't do business. Goodbye."

After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, "I just can't believe it!"

George said, "Let's forget it. We'll go have a drink, then eat dinner."

At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, "See what you get for $25?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Hard Working Penny


Penny was a hard working, conscientious girl, who lived on her own. Her dream in life was to go on an ocean cruise around the world. So she scrimped, and she saved, and she saved, and she scrimped until finally, one day, she had enough money to go on her ocean cruise. She booked passage on a cruise liner - first class all the way... The cruise started off in a grandiose scale, dancing and parties every night. But Penny was a cautious girl, so she never drank, but just danced the night away.

One night, after they had been at sea for a week, Penny was walking back to her cabin, when the heel on her left shoe broke throwing her off balance. If that wasn't enough, the ship chose that moment to tilt to the left. As a result, Penny was thrown overboard. A hue and a cry were immediately raised, and after about five minutes they found Penny. Hauling her aboard, the ship's crew realized that it was too late, poor Penny was dead.

Normally, they would have done a burial at sea, but as I said before, Penny was a very conscientious girl, and had written a will. In it, she specified that she wished for her body to be cremated, and kept in a jar on her parent's fireplace mantel. Her wishes were fulfilled, which just goes to show you that a Penny saved is a Penny urned.
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Ploughing The Land


A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged. After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.

The farmer stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."

The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole." 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Smart Cat


A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. 
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. 
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. 
Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! 

He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. 

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" 
"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Another wife?

At the pre-birth class for couples who'd already had at least one child the instructor raised the question of how to break the news to an older child.

"Some parents tell the older child, 'We love you so much that we decided to bring another child into our family.'

"But think about that for a second. Ladies, what if your husband came home one day and said, 'Honey, I love you so much I decided to bring home another wife.'?"

One of the women spoke up right away, "Does she cook?"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A place for worship

A note outside a place of worship where women are not allowed: “it is illegal to enter a woman, even if dressed like a man"!!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sales associate

 

Sarah, a Sales Associate at Walmart, notices a man in the card section. When she walks by an hour later and sees him still there she walks over to see if she can help. “Can I help you?” she asks.

 

“Well I don’t know” the man responds “I’m having a problem, I can’t find anything that my wife would believe!”

 

Edited April 10, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The diaper

One day, shortly after the birth of their new baby, the mother had to go out to run some errands.

The proud papa stayed home to watch his wonderful new son. Soon after the mother left, the baby started to cry.

The father did everything he could think of doing, but the baby wouldn't stop crying.

Finally, the dad got so worried that he decided to take the infant to the doctor.

After the doctor listened to the father relate all that he had done to get the baby to stop crying, the doctor began to examine the baby's ears, chest and then down to the diaper area.

When he undid the diaper, he found that the diaper was indeed full.

"Here's the problem", the Dr. said, "He needs to be changed!"

The father was very perplexed, "But the diaper package says it is good for up to 10 lbs.!"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The perfect story

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.

There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle.

Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.

Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

The perfect woman.

She's the only one that really existed in the first place.

Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

* A Male's Response *

So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Family pants

 

Jack and Jill were getting married.

Jack was talking to his dad about the marriage when his dad says, "I remember when your mom and I got married. I took off my pants, gave them to her, and told her to put them on."

"I can't wear these," she said.

"Darn right," he said, "I wear the pants in this family, and you'd better remember that."

"I think I'll try that on Jill," Jack said.

He went to Jill, took off his pants, and gave them to her.

"Put these on," he said.

Jill replied, "I can't wear these."

"Darn right. I wear the pants in this family and you'd better remember that," he said.

Then Jill took off her pants, gave them to him, and told him to put them on.

"I can't get in to these," he said.

"Darn right," Jill said. "And if you don't change your attitude you never will!"

 

 

 

Edited April 10, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Divorce

 

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

 

 

 

Edited April 10, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: First Day at School

The child comes home from his first day at school. Mother asks, "What did you learn today?" 

The kid replies, "Not enough. I have to go back tomorrow."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Energy Efficient Blonde

A blonde called in a repairman to fix her electric clock. He examined it, and told her: "There’s nothing wrong with your clock. You don't have it plugged in." 

She replied, "I don't want to waste electricity - so I only plug it in when I want to know what time it is." 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Cheap and Nasty

“I’d like something cheap and nasty for my mother-in-law’s birthday,” said the customer.

The clerk thought for a moment and then said, “I’ve got the very thing, sir.”

“What is that?

“My father-in-law.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Better to Spill or Forget

An old Iman was asked, "At your ripe age, what would you prefer to get.... Parkinson, or Alzheimer?

"The oldman answered: "definitely Parkinson, better to spill half an ounce of whiskey, than to forget where you keep the bottle!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A young executive was leaving ...

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"

"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy..."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man and his wife were sitting...

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room discussing a “Living Will”

"Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all the beer.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Duct Tape & Onwards

An old man is sitting on his porch when he sees a young boy walking down the street dragging something behind him. He calls out to the boy, "Hey son, what you got there?" to which the boy replies, "It's duct tape, I'm gonna go catch me some ducks."

 

The old man laughs and he calls out, "You fool, you can't catch ducks with duct tape!" The little boy laughs and continues on his way, returning a few short hours later, and behind him, he is dragging 8 ducks, all wrapped up in the duct tape. The old man can't believe his eyes.

The next day, the old man is sitting on his porch again and along comes the little boy dragging something behind him. When the old man asks what he's got this time, the boy replies, "It's a spool of chicken wire, I'm going to catch some chickens in it."

 

Well the old man begins to laugh quite hard, telling the boy, "You fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire." The boy laughs himself, and says back, "That's what you said about the duct tape," and he continues on his way, with the old man laughing like crazy.

 

A few hours later the old man is surprised to see the boy coming back, and even more shocked to see that behind him he is dragging 10 chickens, all tangled up in the chicken wire, he can't believe his eyes again.

The next day, the old man is sitting there wondering what the little boy will be up to next, and sure enough he sees him coming down the street with something in his hand. He calls out to the boy, "Hey son, what you go there today?

" The boy responds, "It's a pussy willow."

The man then replies, "Hang on son, I'll get my hat!"

 

Edited April 10, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Mind If I Wait Around

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells condoms, size extra-large. 

“Yes, we do,” he replies. “Would you like to buy some?” 

“No,” she says. “But do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?”

[worldangel]

Joke: One … Two … and three ….

 

 

A man having trouble achieving an erection decides to consult a witch doctor.

The witch doctor throws some herbs on a fire, shakes his rattle, and says, "I have placed a powerful spell on you, but it will only work once a year. Just say 'one, two, three' and you'll get the largest erection you've ever had. After your wife's been satisfied, simply say 'one, two, three, four' and it will disappear for 12 months."

Later that night as the man is lying in bed watching television, he says to his wife, "Watch this! One, two, three!" His penis becomes larger and stiffer than ever before. His wife is amazed. She smiles and says, "That's great! But what did you say 'one, two, three' for?"

 

Edited April 10, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Almost Every Night

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight.

They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?" "Oh, it was beautiful," says the man.

"The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we--" His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"

"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Anniversary flowers

 

A sad-faced Doug walked into a flower shop early one morning.

The clerk was ready to take his order for a funeral piece, based on the look on Doug's face, but soon realized his assumption was wrong as Doug asked for a basket of flowers sent to his wife for their anniversary.

"And what day will that be?" the clerk asked.

Glumly he replied, "Yesterday".

 

 

 

Edited April 11, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Cheap date

 

Worried that his son was spending too much money on dates, Little Johnny's Father asked how much his last date had cost.

Little Johnny calculated a minute then replied, "Oh, about $15 or so I think."

"Well," said his Father, "I'm proud of you for finally coming up with an inexpensive evening."

"To be honest Dad," Little Johnny went on, "we'd have done more, but that was all the money she had."

 

 

 

Edited April 11, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: College degrees

 

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and I have a great relationship," the wife explained. "He was a communications major in college, and I majored in theater arts. He communicates really well, and I just act as if I'm listening."

 

 

 

Edited April 11, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A woman’s random thoughts

 

Skinny people piss me off!

Especially when they say things like, "You know sometimes I forget to eat, now I've forgotten my address, my mother's maiden name, and my keys. But I've never forgotten to eat. You have to be a special kind of stupid to forget to eat."

They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it's good. He's dead. Good.

A friend of mine confused her Valium with her birth control pills. She had 14 kids, but she doesn't give a damn.

The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him.)

I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?"

 

 

Edited April 11, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The Best Lovers

On a train there's a woman reading a book. The man sitting next to her says, “Hi, couldn’t help but notice the book you’re reading.” 

“Yes, it’s about finding sexual satisfaction. It’s interesting. Did you know that, statistically, American Indians and Polish men are the best lovers? By the way, my name is Jill. What’s yours?” 

“Flying Cloud Kowalski. Nice to meet you.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pick the Lawyer

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? 

Shoot the lawyer. Twice. 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Human Vase

Two girlfriends where walking down the street and one sees her boyfriend in a flower store buying flowers and tells her friend "shit I hate when my boyfriend buys me flowers he always expects something from me”.

Her friend says, "What’s wrong with that I think its sweet". The girl says I am tired of laying on my back with my legs spread open for three days”.

Her friend replies: "Why don't you just buy a vase..."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cut Out Wednesday

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. 

After the diagnostic tests show nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse. 

"Every Monday, Wednesday and Saturday," she says. 

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday. 

"I can't," says the woman. "That's the only night I"m home with my husband!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Can Help You

A psychiatrist ushered a new patient into his office and began their session. "Now tell me, what is it that you would like to discuss?" He asked.

"I’ve become obsessed with hoarding money"

"Ah… It may take many, many sessions, but I believe I can help you overcome this."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Is That Your Final Answer?

A couple is watching "Who Wants To Be a Millionaire." 

The husband winks and says, "Honey, let's go upstairs..." 

The wife says, "No". The husband asks again, and again she says no. 

The husband asks, "Is that your final answer?" The wife says "Yes!" 

The husband says, "Well, can I phone a friend?"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Cotton Candy


So this old man is walking down the street in Brooklyn.

He sees a young boy sitting on the street in front of a candy shop, shoving sweets in his mouth as fast as possible.

The man walks up to the boy and says "You know son, it's really not healthy to eat all that candy."

The kid looks up at him and says, "You know my grandfather lived to be 97 years old."

The man replies "Oh and did he eat a lot of candy?" The kid looks at him and says "No, but he minded his own fucking business."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Jody and Sara live in the swamps...

Jody and Sara live in the swamps of Louisiana.  One day Sara came up missing.

It took three days for all of the locals and the sheriff to find Sara. The sheriff says to Jody, "I have bad news and I have good news about Sara."

"What is the bad news", asks Jody?

"We found Sara face down in the swamp, she's dead."

"Well what kind of good news can there be", ask Jody?

The Sheriff responded, "We got 24 blue crab off her, we decided to leave for another 3 days and run her again.

[worldangel]

Joke: The Smart Dumb Criminal

 

Police officer asked a stupid criminal why he requested a body cavity search when he was arrested!

The criminal replied, "Cause that way I can't be fingered in a line up!" 

 

 

Edited April 11, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Grandfather's Dilemma

 

A loving couple had their first grandchild and was visibly excited. 

So the wife asks her husband. "Honey, how does it feel being a grandfather?" 

"Oh that’s ok," he said "but I'm not so sure about going to bed with a grandmother!"

[worldangel]

Joke: What About My Sex Life Doc

After a heart-transplant operation, the patient was receiving instructions from his doctor. 

He was placed on a strict diet, denied tobacco, and advised to get at least eighth hour’s sleep a night. 

Finally, the patient asked, "What about my sex life, Doc? Will it be all right for me to have intercourse?" 

"Just with your wife," responded the doctor. "We don’t want you to get too excited."

[worldangel]

Joke: For two solid hours, the lady ...

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children. 

She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren. 

"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?" 

[worldangel]

Joke: Burglar


"Get this." said the English bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house. 
"Did he get anything?" his mates asked. 

"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

[worldangel]

Joke: Maths problem

Little Johnny was in Maths class when the teacher asked the class to solve a problem. The problem was like this:

A rich man worth twenty million dollars dies. One fourth of his wealth goes to his wife, one third to his daughter, and one fifth to his nephew, and the rest is donated to old people's home. Now, what does each party get?"

Little Johnny, sitting on the last bench replied, "A lawyer!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Old Mrs. Pierpoint...

Worried that they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the apartment next door, the mother said to her son, "Tony, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Pierpoint is?"

A few minutes later, Tony returned.

"Well, is she all right?" asked the mother.

"She's fine, but she's rather annoyed with you," remarked Tony.

"At me?" the mother exclaimed. "Whatever for?"

Tony replied, "Mrs. Pierpoint said it's none of your business how old she is."

[worldangel]

 J

oke: Duct Tape

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my penis to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

[worldangel]

Joke: A polish man in bar

A polish man is sitting at a bar having a few drinks when he notices a very attractive lady sit down at the other end of the bar and order a drink.
The polish guy calls the bartender over and says "whatever she is is drinking give her another one and tell her it is on me."

The bartender replies "I don't think you want to do that."

"What do you mean?" yells the polish guy, "Send her the drink!"

"O.K." the bartender replies, "but I don't think it is a good idea."

"And why not?" asks the polish guy.

The bartender leans over the bar and very softly says "because she's a lesbian."

"I don't care, send her the drink." says the polish guy.

So after the lady gets her drink the polish guy very casually strolls down to the other end of the bar and sits down next to her and says, "so what part of Lesbia are you from?"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: True Mother-in-Law

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they argued before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall cut the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half." "Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaimed the king's advisor.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: No chances with Mother-in-law

Martin took his wife and mother-in-law on a pilgrimage to a holy land. The mother-in-law suddenly had a heart attack and died there. The undertaker told Martin that they can ship the body to their home for five thousand dollars. Alternatively, they could bury her there itself for five hundred. What would it be?

Martin said without any hesitation to ship the dead body home. The undertaker was mighty impressed: “Well now, what can I say? You must love your ma-in-law dearly. You are prepared to throw five thousand to take her back home where as you could have done it much cheaper and that too, at a holy place like this. I am really moved.”

Martin: “It's not that. Ages ago a man died and was buried here. I heard that three days later he rose from the dead because of some miracle in this holy place. I certainly don't want to take that chance in this case.”