Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: A quick drink...

A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, and make it quick!"

The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can.

The bartender remarks, "I've never seen anybody drink that fast!"

The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have."

"What's that?" asks the bartender.

"Only fifty cents!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Drunk

Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points at the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your mom's the best lay in town!" 

Everyone expects a fight, but the guy ignores him, and the drunk wanders off and bellies up to the bar at the far end. 

Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points at the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom, and it was sweet!" 
Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk goes back to the far end of the bar. 

Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom liked it!" 
Finally the guy interrupts. "Go home, Dad,... you're drunk!" 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: You see....

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.

The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say....

"You see, it IS vanishing cream!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: College graduate

A young guy got a job of a trainee in a supermarket.

On his first day at work, he reached in time, eager to make a fresh beginning. The manager welcomed him with a warm smile and giving him a broom, said, "Your first job will be to sweep the floor."

The young guy protested, "But I'm a college graduate"

"Oh, I'm so sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, hand me the broom, I will show you how to sweep the floor."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Two prisoners are talking about...

Two prisoners are talking about their crimes:

George: 'I robbed a bank, and they gave me 20 years'

Herman: 'Hmm. I killed a man, and I'm here for 3 days'

George: 'WHAT!? I rob a bank and get 20 years; you kill a man and get 3 days!?'

Herman: 'Yeah, it was a lawyer.'

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Loud Train

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. On this particular trip he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: "You rest here while I register - I'll be back within an hour." 

The wife lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor. 

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager. The manager says he'll be right up. The manager (naturally) is sceptical but the wife insists the story is true. 

"Look,... lie here on the bed - you'll be thrown right to the floor!" 
So he lies down next to the wife... Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here?" 

The manager replies: "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

[worldangel]

Joke: It was a stifling hot day and ...

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection.

Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him.

When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid."

The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration.

At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Counting trick

Dean was sitting in his drawing room having a cup of coffee, quite at ease with himself. In comes his son with a plate in his hands containing two pastries. He sits opposite Dean and says: “Dad, tell me, how many pastries are there in my plate?”

Dean: “I can see two.”

Son: “No, there are three, I can prove it.”

Dean: “How?”

Son: “This one is one.” He then proceeded to point to the other and said: “This is two, right? And one plus two is three, isn't it?”

Dean: “How clever of you, son? I am impressed. Now let's see.”

He picked up one from the plate and said: “This one is for me,” picked up the second one and said: “This for your sister. You can have the third one for yourself.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Once there was a man with an ...

Once there was a man with an extremely large penis, but, unfortunately, he also had a terrible stuttering problem, so he could never get a girlfriend. So he went to the doctor one day and said to him that he wanted something done about his stutter. The doctor replied that he would have to take off his penis to relieve him of the stutter. After a while the man agreed and had his penis removed.

After the operation he was a smooth talker, but now he couldn't get laid because he had no penis. So he returned to the doctor and tells him he would like to have his penis back, because he has a better chance of getting laid with a stutter than with no penis.

The doctor replies, "S-s-sorry s-s-sir, b-b-but I c-c-can't d-d-do th-th-that."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sign of the times...

A woman met her husband at the train station after work for the ride home. He looked haggard, so she asked, "Rough day?"

"You bet it was," he groaned. "Our computers were down, and we had to think all day long."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Pearly gates

A guy arrives at the pearly gates, waiting to be admitted. St. Peter is reading through the Big Book to see if the guy's name is written in it.
After several minutes, St. Peter closes the book, furrows his brow, and says, "I'm sorry, I don't see your name written in the Book."

"How current is your copy?" he asks.

"I get a download every ten minutes," St. Peter replies, "why do you ask?"

"I'm embarrassed to admit it, but I was always the stubborn type. It was not until my death was imminent that I cried out to God, so my name probably hasn't arrived to your copy yet."

"I'm glad to hear that," Pete says, "but while we're waiting for the update to come through, can tell me about a really good deed that you did in your life?"

The guys thinks for a moment and says, "Humm, well there was this one time when I was driving down a road and I saw a group of biker gang members harassing this poor girl.

I slowed down, and sure enough, there they were, about 20 of them harassing this poor woman.

Infuriated, I got out my car, grabbed a tire iron out of my trunk, and walked up to the leader of the gang. He was a huge guy, 6-foot-4, 260 pounds, with a studded leather jacket and a chain running from his nose to his ears.

As I walked up to the leader, the bikers formed a circle around me and told me to get lost or I'd be next."

"So I ripped the leader's chain out of his face and smashed him over the head with the tire iron.

Then I turned around and yelled to the rest of them, "Leave this poor innocent girl alone! You're all a bunch of SICK, deranged animals! Go home before I really teach you a lesson in PAIN!"

St. Peter, duly impressed, says "Wow! When did this happen?"

"About three minutes ago."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man sits down at a bar and orders...

A man sits down at a bar and orders a double martini. After he finishes, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders another.

 

After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders another double martini. The barman says: "I'll bring you martinis all night but why do you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."

 

The customer replies: "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."

 

 

Edited April 13, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A woman goes into a dentist ...

A woman goes into a dentist's office, and after her examination, the dentist says, I'm sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill that tooth.

Horrified, the woman replies, Oh, no! I'd rather have a baby.

To which the dentist replies, Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair

[worldangel]

Joke: Dog Track

A woman came up behind her husband while he was enjoying his morning coffee and slapped him on the back of the head. 

"I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name 'Marylou' written on it," she said, furious. "You had better have an explanation." 
"Calm down, honey," the man replied. "Remember last week when I was at the dog track? That was the name of the dog I bet on."' 

The next morning, his wife snuck up on him and smacked him again. 
"What was that for?" he complained.

"Your dog called last night."

[worldangel]

Joke: Smart thinking

Did you know that in the olden days the Swedes who used to drive on the left, later realized that this caused too many accidents with tourists used to the right, hence they decided to switch to driving on the right side, but because they were smart and thinking people, they decided to affect the switch gradually.

So they came to the conclusion that on the first of the next month all commercial vehicles like cabs and buses would start driving on the right and if all went well, all private vehicles like cars and two wheelers would switch to right the next day.
 

[worldangel]

 J

oke: Insurance...

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we'll provide you with a new barn of similar worth."

There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, "If that's how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Hole

The construction foreman ordered one of his men to dig a hole 8 feet deep. But after the job was done, the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered the worker.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

"Honestly!" the foreman snorted. "The kind of help I get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Black Powder

A guy enters a bank to see about getting a business loan. 
"What kind of business do you want to start?" asks the bank manager. 
"I have some black powder. You sprinkle it on a women's vagina and it makes it taste like a peach." 

"I don't think we can give you a loan." he replied. 
So the guy left. A few months later he went into the bank with a wheel barrel filled with money. 

The same bank manager said, "Congratulations, I guess that idea for black powder really paid off." 

"Nah, that didn't go anywhere. I made my money with this white powder." 

"Really," replied the bank manager. "What does it do?"
"Give me a peach and I'll show you."

[worldangel]

Joke: A man walking down the street ...

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn't quite reach it.

 

The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked, "What now?"

 

The boy answered, "Now we run like crazy!"

 

Edited April 13, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: One Eye Set Higher

My eye doctor told me this, I'm not making this up.

 

He goes, You know you have one eye set a little bit higher than your other eye? No, I didn’t know that.

 

He goes, Its no big deal; it doesn't affect your vision or anything. I just thought you might want to be self-conscious for the rest of your life.

 

 

Edited April 13, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Private Grief

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" 

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" 

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It was snowing heavily and blowing ...

It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little Antartian got off work. She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home. She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation.

She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard; she should wait for a snowplow to come by and follow it. That way she would not get stuck in a snowdrift. This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snowplow went by and she started to follow it. As she follows the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.

After quite sometime had passed she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snowplow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snowplow when caught in a blizzard.

The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to K-Mart next.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wash the dog...

A young boy, about eight years old, was at the corner grocery picking out a large size box of laundry detergent. The grocer walked over and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

"Nope, no laundry," the boy said, "I'm going to wash my dog." "But, you shouldn't use this to wash your dog. It's very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he'll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him."

But, the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later, the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

"Oh, he died," the boy said.

The grocer, trying not to be an "I-told-you-so" said he was sorry the dog died, but added, "I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog."

"Well, the boy replied, "I don't think it was the detergent that killed him."

"Oh? What was it then?"

"I think it was the spin cycle!"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: An engineer goes to hell

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer--you're in the wrong place."
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day the Heaven calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

The Heaven replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake! He should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

The Heaven says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Invisible...

A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Typewriter

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter, "Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter".

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded, "Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter." The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, "Tell daddy that he can type that letter now."

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced, "Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Stop That

A very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant one night. 
Waiting for her date as she was, she wanted to make sure everything was perfect. So, as she bends down in her chair to get the mirror from her purse, she accidentally farts quite loudly just as the waiter walks up. 

Sitting up straight now, embarrassed and red faced, knowing everyone in the place heard her, turns to the waiter and demands "Stop That!" 
The waiter looks at her dryly and says "Sure lady, which way was it headed?"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Look good!

Robert was shaving his beard when he finds his wife Laila walk into the bathroom and she starts shaving below her waist.

Robert says, "Appraisal meeting with top boss today for promotion. Need to look nice and clean."

Laila says from the other end of the bathroom, "Same here."

[worldangel]

Joke: Marylou...

A husband was sitting quietly reading his paper one morning, peacefully enjoying himself, when his wife sneaks up behind him and whacks him on the back of the head with a huge frying pan.

"What the heck was that for!" he asked.

She replies, "I found a piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Marylou written on it..."

"Oh, dear, remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Well, Marylou was the name of one of the horses I placed a bet on."

The explanation seems to appease her, and she leaves the room to go about her business.

Three days later, the man is again sitting in his chair reading the morning paper. His wife abruptly hangs up the telephone and then whacks him on the back of the head with the huge frying pan.

"What the heck did I do wrong this time!" he asked.

She answered, "Your horse just called!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A police officer was investigation...

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.

One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Spoon

 

A man and his wife were in a fancy restaurant. While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon. So the husband says, "What's with the spoon?" 

 

The waiter said, "Well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil. So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift. 

 

The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, "I'll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else". While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, " hey, there's a string on your pants".

 

The waiter tells him, " not all my customers are as observant as you... the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time." The husband was impressed, but asked, "It's a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?". 

 

The waiter leaned close and whispered, "Well I don't know about the rest of them, but personally I use the spoon."
 

Edited April 14, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Dream

My grandson Jim found a penny in the grass and proudly displayed it to me. 

"What good is it?" I said, "You can’t buy anything with it."

"Yes you can," Jim replied promptly. "You can buy a dream in a wishing well."

[worldangel]

Joke: Final arrangements...

A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She wrote her will and made her final arrangements. As part of these arrangements she met with her undertaker to talk about what type of funeral service she wanted. She told her undertaker she had two final requests.

First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomindgales.

"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi said. "Why Bloomingdales?"

"That way, I know my daughters will visit me at least twice a week."

[worldangel]

Joke: My mind is gone...

"Oh Goodness," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Get Me My Drink

On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.

When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you bitch". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.

Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass".

Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy bastard!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My prayers are answered...

A grandmother who took her little grandson to the beach. They were having a good time until a huge wave came in and swept the boy out to sea. She fell down on her knees and pleaded to the heavens, "Please return my grandson, that's all I ask! PLEASE!!!"

A moment later, lo and behold, a wave swelled from the ocean and deposited the wet, yet unhurt child, at her feet. She checked him over to make sure that he was okay. He was fine. But still she looked up to the heavens angrily and said, "When we came he had a hat!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Enter a Password

A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, And at the appropriate point in the process. She told him that he would now need to enter a password, something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on. 

The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in.... P... E... N.... I... S... 

His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied: 
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH***

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Raffle prizes...

Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

[worldangel]

Joke: Beautiful garden

A person is congratulating a parishioner on his success at transforming an abandoned plot of land into a beautiful garden. ‘It's wonderful what man can achieve with the help of the Almighty,' says the parson.

‘Yes,' replies the parishioner. ‘Mind you, you should have seen the state it was in when He had it all to Himself.'

[worldangel]

Joke: The race...

Two natural gas company service personnel, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of an alley and worked their way to the other end.

At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter. When they finished, the senior supervisor, proud of his physical condition, challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race back to their truck.

As they approached the truck, they realized that the woman from the last house they checked was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run, too!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Boss Issues

 

A boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local sign shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door. 

 

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"

 

 

Edited April 15, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: New sport

Tom: My wife suggested that I take up a new sport this summer.

Harry: Well, that's nice. It shows that she has your interests at heart. Did she make any suggestions?

Tom: As a matter of fact, she did. By the way, how do you play this Russian Roulette?

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Drunk in court...

A drunken man was brought to court. Just before the trial there was a commotion in the gallery. The judge pounded the gravel on his table and shouted, "Order, order."

The drunk immediately responded, "Thank you, your Honor, I'll have a Scotch and soda."

[worldangel]

Joke: I think...

There are three girls at a bar, a red head, a brunette, and a blonde.
They have a seat at the bar. The bar tender says, "If you go into the bathroom there is a mirror. Look into the mirror and tell anything in your life that you believe is true. If you are telling the truth then "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out, if you lie then "POOF" you'll disappear."

So the red head goes in first and stares deeply into the mirror and proclaims, "I think that i am the most beautiful woman in the world!", "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out.

Then the brunette goes in. "I think that i am the smartest woman in the world," "POOF" a hundred dollars pops out.

Now it's the blonde's turn. She slowly walks into the bathroom with her hands over her eyes and peeks between her fingers at the mirror. She waits... nothing happens... she is glad. She stands bravely and states, "I think... "POOF " she disappears.

[worldangel]

Joke: Lost at Sea?

Yossi and Janine, an elderly religious couple, are sitting together on an aeroplane flying to the Far East.

 

Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning, and this plane will be going down in a few minutes time. The good news is that I can see an island below us that should be able to accommodate our landing. The bad news is that this island appears to be uncharted - I am unable to find it on our maps. So the odds are that we will never be rescued and will have to live on the island for a very long time, if not for the rest of our lives”

 

"Yossi turns to Janine and asks, "Janine, dear, did we turn off the oven?" and Janine replies, "Of course." 

 

"Janine, are our life insurance policies paid up?" 
"Of course." 

 

"Janine, did we pay our pledge for the synagogue appeal?" 
"Oh my Goodness, I forgot to send off the cheque." 
"Thank Heaven! They'll find us for sure!"
 

Edited April 15, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Curious

What happened?" asked the hospital visitor of the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.

"Well, I went down to Margate this weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track.

"I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go 'round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said.

"By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went 'round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."

"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.

"Yes."

"What did it say?"

"Don't stand up in the car!"

[worldangel]

Joke: It Figures

A man and his son walk in the park and come upon two dogs humping. The son asks, "Dad what are those dogs doing?"

The dad says, "Well, the dog on top must have hurt his two front paws, and that dog on the bottom is helping him home."

The son turns to his father and says, "It figures -- every time you try to help someone out, you always get screwed."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Profile pic

A mother says to her teenaged daughter, "Hey, where are you going all dolled up?"

The teenaged daughter replies, "To the washroom. Need to upload a new FB profile pic."

[worldangel]

 J

oke: Adopted Turtle

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.

The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
“Dear,” she chirped, “I think it's time to tell him he's adopted.”

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Fertile Celebration

While the bar patron savoured a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.

"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?"

"I switched cocks."

"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.