Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: A man got really drunk one night...

A man got really drunk one night in his local pub. The barman refused to serve him any more alcohol and told him he should be heading home. The man thought this was a good idea so he stood up to leave but fell over straight away. He tried to stand up again but only fell over again.

 

He thought if only he could get outside and get some fresh air he'd be grand. So he crawled outside then tried to stand up and fell over again. In the end after falling over lots more he decided to crawl home.

 

When he got back to his house he pulled himself up using the door handle but as soon as he let go he fell over again. He had to crawl up the stairs and managed to fall over onto the bed and fell asleep. When he finally woke up the next morning his wife asked him what he was doing at the pub last night.

 

He denied it but she said, "I know you were there..." he maintained his innocence until "...the barman rang to say you forgot your wheelchair again...."

 

Edited April 16, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Exit Only

I saw a sign on this door; it said, Exit Only.

 

So, I entered it and went up to the guy working there, and I was like, I have some good news. You have severely underestimated this door over here by, like, 100%, man.

 

 

Edited April 16, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Heaven or ???

A spiritualist who'd recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly that she'd just received a message from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes.

"The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to send them."

"Why not?" asked her friend.

"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell."

"Hm," responded the friend. "Well, maybe I shouldn't bring this up, but. . . he didn't mention anything about including matches in the package, did he?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fear of Flying

There was a religious woman who had to do a lot of traveling for her business. Flying made her very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her.

One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.

After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The woman replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The woman said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the woman.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fighting for Business

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read… Main entrance

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Lost boots...

There was a little boy in kindergarten. At the end of one cold winter day, when all the other children were leaving, the teacher found him crying, so she asked him what was wrong.

He sobbed, "I can't find my boots."

The teacher looked around the classroom and saw a pair of boots. "Are these yours?"

"No, they're not mine," said the little boy, shaking his head.

The teacher and the boy searched all over the classroom for his boots.

Finally, the teacher gave up, "Are you SURE those boots are not yours?"

"I'm sure," the boy sobbed, "mine had snow on them."

[worldangel]

Joke: An old man goes to the Wizard ...

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

[worldangel]

Joke: Son of a lawyer...

While two families were waiting in line to see the Monument, their two 5-year-old boys were getting acquainted.

"My name is Joshua. What's yours?" asked the first boy.

"Adam," replied the second.

"My daddy is a doctor. What does YOUR daddy do for a living?" asked Joshua.

Adam proudly replied, "My daddy is a lawyer."

"Honest?" asked Joshua.

"No, just the regular kind," replied Adam.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dead Lawyer

A guy calls a law office and says: "I want to talk to my lawyer." 
The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry, but he died last week." 

The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, he died last week." 

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, "I keep telling you, your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy says, "Because I just love hearing it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Fairy Godmother

A man walked into a pub with an Ostrich and a Pussy Cat.
He walked up the the bar and said, "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, whisky for the cat."

They found a table, sat down and drank their drinks.

Next it was the ostrichs round. He walked up to the bar and said, "Beer for me, beer for the man, whisky for the cat."

He took the drinks back to the table and they drank them.

When it was the cat's turn to buy, he told them to "Fuck off!"

So the man went back to the bar and said, "Beer for me, beer for the ostrich, and whisky for the cat."

The barman was curious about this and said, "I notice that you and the ostrich have both bought a round but the cat hasn't. Why is this?"

The man replied, "I helped a little old lady across the road, and she turned out to be my Fairy Godmother. She granted me one wish."

"What did you wish for?" said the barman.

"I wished for a long legged bird with a tight pussy!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Blow-up dolls

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men.
So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.

After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.

The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."

The first man asked, "How's that?" "Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast.....she farted and flew out the window!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Perfect opening

Tommy applied for a job with the Link building society. He meticulously completed the application form and handed it over to the Officer-in-charge, who studied it and when he had finished said "With your credentials, I have the perfect opening for you."

"Great!" Tommy replied.

"It's called the door" the Officer-in-charge said sternly "Now get out".

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Emergency landing...

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

[worldangel]

Joke: Visiting The Lawyer


A guy from Czechs was visiting his cousin the lawyer in California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park.

While they were hiking they were attacked by 2 bears, one male and one female. The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechs guy, but the lawyer managed to escape.

He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of rangers to see what was going on.

Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears. So one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female.
So the other Rangers asked "why did you shoot the female? he said that the male ate his friend" So the Ranger answers "Would you believe a lawyer if he told you that the Czech is in the male?"

[worldangel]

Joke: The job search

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:
Officer: What's 2 + 2?

Blonde: Ummm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Good advice...

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby, "how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Before...

A sixth grade class is doing some spelling drills. The teacher asks Tommy if he can spell 'before.' He stands up and says, "Before, B-E-P-H-O-R."

The teacher says, "No, that's wrong. Can anyone else spell before?"

Another little boy stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-O-R."

Again the teacher says, "No, that's wrong." The teacher asks, "Little Johnny, can you spell 'before'?"

Little Johnny stands up and says, "Before, B-E-F-O-R-E."

"Excellent Johnny, now can you use it in a sentence?"

Little Johnny says, "That's easy. Two plus two before."

[worldangel]

Joke: Wedding Dress

A little girl at a wedding asked, "Mommy, why do brides always wear white?"

"Because they're happy," the mom replied.

Halfway through the wedding, the girl whispered, "Mommy, if brides wear white because they're happy, then why do grooms wear black?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Ugly Drunk Driving

A policeman stops a motorist and asks, "Excuse me, Sir, have you been drinking?"

The motorist says, "Why -- do I got an ugly girl next to me?"

[worldangel]

Joke: In the mirror


Joshina asks her husband Derek for money, so she can go and buy groceries from the local store.

She asks for 50 dollars but Derek tells her, "You out of your mind?". He then pulls her to the mirror, and says,"I'll show you something. This 50-dollar bill is mine and the one you see in the mirror is yours. Am I clear?"

Joshina says nothing and goes out.

That evening, Derek finds the kitchen full of groceries. Angered, he demands from his wife where did it all come from.

Joshina beckons him to the mirror & pulls her skirt up. She says, "The one in the mirror is yours. This one is for the grocer."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Census...

Census Taker: 'How many children do you have?' 
Woman: 'Four.' 

Census Taker: 'May I have their names, please?' 
Woman: 'Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.' 

Census Taker: 'Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?' 
Woman: 'Because we didn't want any Moe.'

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The last request...

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants.

The warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?" To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play the Macarena for me one last time?" "Certainly," replied the warden.

He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?" "Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Two Divorced Guys

These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

The guys asked "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this." They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!"

The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year. "Okay," they said and left. The next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"

"Yeah" said the guy. "Where is he?" asked the trader. "I killed him" said the guy. Shocked, the trader asks "Why?" To which the guy replies, "I caught him in bed with my board!"

[worldangel]

Joke: There was once a man who lived...

There was once a man who lived in a poor country. He went to law school and became a very intelligent person. Years later, he decided to go back to his country to show them how worthy he is.

 

He started his own office. The next day, he saw a man walking into his office. He picked up the phone and gestured the man to come in and pretended he was talking to very famous people and cancelling meetings with presidents, etc.

 

After he put down the phone several minutes later, he apologized to the man and said, "Sorry to keep you waiting. As you can see, I'm a very busy man. What can I do for you?" The man smiled and said, "I'm from the telephone company. I'm here to hook up you phone."
 

 

Edited April 18, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A stage....

During a performance for the high school talent show at the local theater, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.

He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theater shouted:

"Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Ballpen in space

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity.

To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: An Inferiority Complex


Private Milton went to psychiatrist and complained: "I have an inferiority complex."
"Nothing I can do for you", said the doc.
"In the Army privates don't have an inferiority complex... they're just inferior..."

An old man saw a very tired infantryman resting after a hard foot march. The man said with disdain: "When I was of your age I thought nothing of a ten-mile hike."
"Well, I don't think much of it either," replied the GI.

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy walks into a bar and orders ...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a shot of whisky. He gulps it down and peeks into his shirt pocket. He orders another shot of whisky, gulps it down and peeks into his short pocket. He orders a third shot and does the same thing. After the sixth shot, he asks the bartender for the bill, pays and starts to walk out.

Curiosity gets the better of the bartender and he says to the guy, "Excuse me, but I noticed that every time you drank a shot, you kept looking into your pocket. I was wondering what's in your pocket."

The guy slurs, "Well, I have a picture of my wife in my pocket. I keep drinking until she starts to look good."

[worldangel]

Joke: How to get rich...

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said,

"Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37.

Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

[worldangel]

Joke: Holidays for the Lonely

It goes: Christmas, New Year’s Eve and Valentines’ Day. Is that fair to anyone who’s alone? Those are all days when you gotta be with someone.

 

And if you didn’t get around to killing yourself at Christmas or New Year’s -- boom! There’s Valentines’ Day for you.

 

I think there should be just one more holiday after Valentines’ Day, just for the stragglers -- and it should be called, Who Could Love You?
 

 

Edited April 18, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A linguistics professor was lecturing ...

A linguistics professor was lecturing to his class one day. "In English," he said, "a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

Then a voice from the back of the room piped up: "Yeah, right."

[worldangel]

Joke: Fish trap

This fisherman goes to the river to check an illegal fish trap that he owns. He looks around to make sure there are no Fishing Inspectors about and proceeds to pull the fish trap out to check it.

An Inspector steps out of the bushes, “Ahha!” he said and the fisherman spun around and yelled “Shiiiit!”. The Inspector, who wasn't expecting such a response said “Settle down, I'm the Fishing Inspector”.

 

“Thank Goodness for that” said the fisherman, “I thought you were the bugger who owned this fish trap”.

 

Edited April 18, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Complicated name

One early morning, Rehan's wife died after a long illness. Rehan called for an ambulance from the funeral service. He said: “My wife is no more. She died this morning.”

The operator said, “I am sorry to hear that. I will arrange to send an ambulance right away. And what is the name of the street, sir?”

Rehan replied, “It's Chincholi Bunder road.”

The Operator asked: “Err….. will you spell it for me, sir? “

Rehan replied, “No I will just haul her down to your place.”

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A traveling salesman was held ...

A traveling salesman was held up in the west by a rainstorm and flood. He e-mails his office in NY: "Delayed by storm. Send instructions." 

His boss e-mails back: "Start vacation immediately." 

[worldangel]

Joke: Absolutely naked woman enters ...

Absolutely naked woman enters the pub. Barman looks at her very attentively.

Woman: Hey, what's up? Haven't you ever seen naked woman?

Barman: Well, yes I have... I'm only interested - where will you take your cash from?

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A guy goes into a drugstore to...

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk.

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4."

He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!"

The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells,
"Large!"

The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. "What size?"

The kid embarrassedly says, "I've never done this before. I don't know what size."

The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells, "Clean up in aisle 4!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Cool it with Beer

Once Dean and Martin came to Martin's house and heard some noises in Martin's bedroom upstairs. Surprised and alert, they crept up and peeked inside the bedroom carefully from the gap in the door. They found his milkman in bed with Martin's wife. They went down silently and into the kitchen.

Martin was shaking with rage. He jerked open the fridge, grabbed two bottles of chilled beer and handed one over to Dean. Both had a couple of sweeps in silence. Dean understood Martin's rage and said: “Sorry about that, but what about that milkman?”

Martin: “What about him? He can get his own damn beer.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Late for Work

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss," he said, "The pill actually worked!"

"That's all fine" said the boss. "But where were you yesterday?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Rising to the Occasion

A bunch of girls had become upset at an anthropology professor who had a knack of offending women. They decided the next time he did something offensive, they would all stand up and walk out of his class.

Sure enough, at the very next class meeting while discussing a tribe of African natives. The professor leered and said, "You'll be interested to know the average tribal warrior there has a cock twelve inches long."

The girls all rose in a large mass and headed for the door.

The prof sneered and said, "What's your hurry, girls? The next flight to there isn't until Saturday!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The three wise men are out for...

The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable. The three of them decide to duck inside.

On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway.

"Goodness!" he says.

Joseph says, "Quick, Mary, write that down! It's a hell of a lot better than Clyde!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Name the animals...

The first-grade teacher was showing pictures of animals to her students to see how many they could name. She held up a picture of a lamb, and a little girl said, "That's a sheep!"

"That's right!" said the teacher. "How about THIS one?" she said, holding up a picture of the king of beasts.

"That's a lion!" answered a little boy.

"Right!" said the teacher. Then she held up a picture of a deer. No one volunteered an answer. She tried to help. "What does your mother call your father?"

Johnny said, "I know! That's a lazy old goat!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Back to the Honeymoon

A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road. 

The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here thirty years ago." 

The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before. 

Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!" 

The woman says, "Thirty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: My memory...

An agitated patient was stomping around the psychiatrist's office, running his hands through his hair, almost in tears.

"Doctor, my memory's gone. Gone! I can't remember my wife's name. Can't remember my children's names. Can't remember what kind of car I drive. Can't remember where I work. It was all I could do to find my way here."

"Calm down. How long have you been like this?"

"Like what?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Free advice at social affairs?

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.

 

The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.

 

The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.

 

Edited April 19, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Bar Chat-up

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.
After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

To which she responds by yelling, at the

top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you.

You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!!!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Your dog bite?

There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch.

"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked.

The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, "Nope."

As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"

The old man muttered, "Ain't my dog."

[worldangel]

Joke: Refrigerator Man

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!''

''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor replies. 'Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.''

''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.''
 

Edited April 19, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: One is not enough

 

It has recently been brought to our attention that a definite parallel exists between a Martini and woman’s breasts. One is not enough, and three are too many.

 

 

 

Edited April 20, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: That's Not A Problem Is It?

 

Three older gentlemen in a nursing home are discussing their nightly Bathroom habits. The first guy says, "I have to get up every 2 hours and take a wiz, but I stand there and only dribble a little bit and nothing hardly comes out." 

The 2nd guy says, "I know exactly what you mean, the same thing happens with me." The 3rd guy is not saying anything, then they ask him if he has any problems. 

He replies, "At about 5am every day I whiz like a race horse on a rock, and by 6am I have the best bowel movement every day." 

As the other two guys are listening one asks him, "that's not really a problem is it?" He replies, "For me it is, I don't get up till about 7am."

 

 

Edited April 20, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Renewing your prescription

 

"I've got to get to the doctor and renew my prescription of birth control pills," said Edna to Priscilla. 

"But I thought you said your husband had a vasectomy," Priscilla responded. 

"He did. That's why I can't afford to get pregnant."

 

 

 

Edited April 20, 2016 by worldangel