Jump to content
Male HQ

Be Happy :)


worldangel

Recommended Posts

Joke: Want some of this big boy?

 

A woman wants to surprise her husband for their 25th anniversary. She decides to go out buy some sexy lingerie. She picks up some crotch less panties and a new bra. 

When the hubby gets home from work she's sprawled out on the bed wearing her new lingerie. In her sexiest voice she says "Do you want some of this, big boy?” 

Slightly frightened, the man exclaims "Hell no, look what it did to your panties!" 

 

 

Edited by worldangel

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Will there be anything else?

 

“I’d like to buy some gloves for my girlfriend,” the young man said to the attractive woman, “but I don’t know her size.” 

“Does this help?” she asked, placing her hand in his. 

“Oh, yes,” he answered. “Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.” 

“Will there be anything else?” the clerk queried as she wrapped the gloves. 

“Now that you mention it,” he replied, “she needs a bra and panties...”

 

 

Edited by worldangel

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: The office playboy

 

The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. 

The next day someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter words for me," was the reply. 

"Really?" 

"Yes," answered the playboy. "All evening long she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that."

 

Edited by worldangel

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: What are you for?

 

 

Two kids are in hospital, in surgical gowns, sitting on their gurneys. 

“What are you here for?” Asked the first child. 

“I’m here to get my tonsils removed,” says the second child. 

“Don’t worry,” the first child says. “I had my tonsils removed last year and you get all the ice cream you want!” 

The second child asks the first child, “What are you’re here for?” 

“I’m here for a circumcision,” says the first child. 

“Oh my Goodness,” says the second child. “I had that done when I was born! I did not walk for a year!”

 

Edited by worldangel

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: What are you laughing about?

 

Two guys were walking through the jungle and got captured by a group of cannibals. 

The cannibals put them in a huge pot and start to boil the water. 

All of a sudden one of the guys started laughing. 

"What are you laughing about?" the other guy says, "We are about to be eaten!" 

And the other man replied, "I peed in their soup!"

 

 

 

Edited by worldangel

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Watch that sleeve!

 

"A man in a bar slipped off his jacket and slung it over the back of his chair. One of the sleeves hit a woman sitting behind him. 

"Watch what you are doing with that sleeve," she complained. 

"It's all right," the man said. "There's no ‘arm in it." 

 

 

 

Edited by worldangel

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Judge, whose Coke is it?

 

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, and the custody of their children created a problem. 

The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should keep custody of them. 

The man also wanted custody, and the judge asked him to justify his demand. 

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, “Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?”

 

Edited by worldangel

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Harvard vs Yale

 

At a Harvard- Yale football game a man from Harvard and a man from Yale end up at the urinal together. 

When the two men finished the man from Harvard headed for the sink while the man from Yale headed for the door. 

The man from Harvard says, "At Harvard they teach us to wash our hands after we pee." 

The man from Yale replies, "At Yale they teach us not to pee on our hands."

 

 

Edited by worldangel

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Focus


Anna and Elsa are two maids who go to the market to get their photograph taken.

Anna asks Elsa, "Why is this guy looking at us in a strange way?"

Elsa said, "He needs to focus."

"Really?" says Anna, "but you tell him he should take the photograph first."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: On the first day of college, ...

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students:

"The female dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. The second time you will be fined $60. A third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

A male student inquired, "How much for a season pass?"


a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Cannibal jokes...

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'
That reminds me of the cannibal that passed his friend in the woods.....

When do cannibals leave the table? When everyone's eaten.......

What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast.....

Where do cannibals shop for fine furniture? Eatin' Allen's......

What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts......

What do cannibals make out of politicians? Baloney sandwiches......

Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant? Dinner costs an arm and a leg......

Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered a pizza with everybody on it.......

Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.......

One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn't like...........

Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, 'Gee, I hate my mother-in-law.' The 2nd replies, 'So, try the potatoes.'

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 J

oke: Finish Overseas Tour


A young ensign had nearly completed his first overseas tour of sea duty when he was given an opportunity to display his ability at getting the ship under way. With a stream of crisp commands, he had the decks buzzing with men. The ship steamed out of the channel and soon the port was far behind.


The ensign's efficiency has been remarkable. In fact, the deck was a buzz with talk that he had set a new record for getting a destroyer under way. The ensign glowed at his accomplishment and was not all surprised when another seaman approached him with a message from the captain. 


He was, however, a bit surprised to find that it was a radio message, and he was even more surprised when he read, "My personal congratulations upon completing your underway preparation exercise according to the book and with amazing speed. In your haste, however, you have overlooked one of the unwritten rules. Make sure the Captain is aboard before getting under way!" 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

Joke: A couple is dressed and ready ...

 

A couple is dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They phone for a cab, turn on a night light, cover their pet parakeet and put the cat out in the back yard.

The taxi arrives, and they open the front door to leave. Suddenly the cat they put out scoots back into the house. They don't want the cat shut in there because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes back in. The cat runs upstairs, with the man in hot pursuit.

The wife doesn't want the driver to know the house will be empty. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later the husband gets into the cab.

"Sorry I took so long," he says, as they drive away. "Stupid hag was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!

The cab driver hit a parked car.

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

Joke: Job application...

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome.

The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you."

"Oh, great," he said, "What is it?"

"It's called the door!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

Joke: Supermarket

The man approached a very beautiful woman in a large supermarket and asked, "You know, I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" 


"Why?" she asks. 


"Because every time I talk to a a beautiful woman, my wife appears out of nowhere."




a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: After the Office Party

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.


 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Four best friends met at the hospital ...

Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins."

 

After a while the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers."

 

Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says "Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing the Heaven and banging his head on the wall.

 

They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!

 

 

Edited by worldangel

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: An attorney telephoned the governor...

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.

An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

'So, what is it?' grumbled the governor.

'Judge Garber has just died' said the attorney, 'and I want to take his place.'

The governor replied: 'Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker.'

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Sibling lessons...

Charlie was playing with his little brother Mickey when the little boy asked whether he could fly like Superman.

"Sure you can, Mickey," Charlie said, "Just flap your arms really *really* hard."

So Mickey climbed up on the windowsill, started flapping like mad, jumped, then smashed into the ground two stories below.

Horrified, their mother came screaming into the room and said, "What the heck happened?!?"

Charlie said, "I was just teaching Mickey not to believe everything someone tells him."


a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

Joke: Hiring An Accountant

Kowalski, fresh out of accounting school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"
"Twenty-two," Kowalski replied.


After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he knew he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.
About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! He was not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, but was still very curious.


The next day, Kowalski went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong. The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest." 


a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

Joke: A man was walking along a California ...

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah.

This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!" The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish." 

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women.... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment.... know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'.... know how to make them truly happy...." 

The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?" 

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Drunk date

A guy enters a bar and orders two shots of vodka. He drinks the first and dumps the second on his right hand.
He then orders a second round of shots, drinks the first and again dumps the second on his right hand.

The bartender sees this and becomes curious as the guy orders a third round and does the exact same thing.

So the bartender asks the guy, "Hey man, I hope you don't mind me asking but why the waste of good drinks?"

So the man says, "I have to get my date drunk."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Four high school boys afflicted...

 

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire. 


Much to their relief she smiled and said: "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper." 


Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: 
"First Question: Which tire was flat?"

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Privacy Is Uncool

I think the government made Facebook in an attempt to make privacy uncool. Think about that. I think that’s true cause they don’t have to tap our phones or survey us when we just yield to them everything, just on our own free will.

 

Home address? It’s a little weird, OK. Phone number? Call me. Photos? Photos of everyone I know? Here, let me tag those for you.
 

Edited by worldangel

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Three buddies die in a car crash...

 

 

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they find themselves at the pearly gates. 

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? 

The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the greatest doctor of my time, and a great family man." 

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." 

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

 

 

 

Edited by worldangel

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

Joke: Catsup

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone.

"It's the minister, Mommy" the child said to her mother.

Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Mail...

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box, opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.

A little later they came out again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again.

Angrily, back into the house they went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the neighbor came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by his neighbors actions the man asked, "Is something wrong?"

To which the neighbour (who was not very computer savvy) replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: The Sailor And The Pirate

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas. The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook, and an eyepatch.

The sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"

The pirate replies "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off."

"Wow!" said the sailor. "What about your hook"?

"Well...", replied the pirate, "While my men and I were plundering in the middle east, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the middle east is the loss of the hand that steals"

"Incredible!" remarked the sailor. "How did you get the eyepatch"?

"A sea gull dropping fell into my eye.", replied the pirate.

"You lost your eye to a sea gull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.

"Well...", said the pirate, "..it was my first day with the hook."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

Joke: This guy was on the side of the road ...

This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was roiling and no car went by.

The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car coming towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door - and only then realized that there's nobody behind the wheel!

The car starts very slowly. The guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way. Scared, he starts to pray, begging for his life.

He hasn't come out of shock when, just before the car hits the curve, a hand appears thru the window and moves the wheel.

The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are approaching a curve.

The guy, gathering strength, gets out of the car and runs all the way to the nearest town. Wet and in shock he goes into a cantina, asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he just went through.

A silence enveloped everybody when they realize the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later two guys walked in the same cantina and one said to the other, "Look, Pepe, that's the asshole that got in the car while we were pushing it!"

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

Joke: Swipe

Working at a small office in the countryside, I found my colleague Katy put a credit card into her floppy drive and then pulling it out in an instant.
Bewildered, I asked what was she up to.


Her answer gave me the creeps. Katy replied she was shopping on the net and the website was constantly asking for a credit card number, so she decided to "swipe" her card in the floppy drive.
 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: This guy goes into a doctor's ...

This guy goes into a doctor's office. The doctor says, "Oh, Mr. Jones! We have the results of your test. Do you want the bad news first or the very bad news?" The guy shrugs and says, "Well I guess I'll have the bad news first." "Well the bad news is, you have 24 hours to live," the doctor replies.

 

The man is distraught, "24 hours to live? That's horrible! What could be worse than that? What's the VERY bad news?" The doctor folds his hands and sighs, "The very bad news is...I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."

 

Edited by worldangel

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Real sign of getting old!

 

Initial signs that indicate you are growing old.
Wrinkled skin? No.


Thick eyeglasses? No.
Hair loss? No.


The real sign is - When you begin to love your own wife.

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Change of Pace

 

An old couple prepares to go to sleep. The man gets in bed, but the woman lies down on the floor.

 

The old man asks, "Why are you on the floor?"

 

The old woman says, "Because I want to feel something hard for a change."

 

 

 

Edited by worldangel

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Honey, has anyone ever told you....

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman asks her husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?"

The flattered husband said, "No, dear they haven't."

The wife yells, "Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?"


a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

Joke: His favorite chocolate chip cookies....

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with aspatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

Joke: Fish and Cat Story

One spring day, a fish was swimming about a foot below the surface of a lake and saw a fly hovering just out of striking distance.


The fish said to itself, "If that fly comes six inches closer, I'll jump up and have myself a meal." Just then, a bear on the shore of the lake looked up and said to itself, " If that fly gets any closer to that fish, the fish will jump up, and I'll catch the fish and have myself a meal."

As luck would have it, a hunter saw what was happening. He thought to himself, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, and I'll shoot the bear."

Just then, a rat was standing behind the hunter saying to itself," If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will lean over to grab the fish, the hunter will lean over to shoot the bear, and I'll grab the sandwich from the back pocket of the hunter.

However, unbeknownst to the rat, a cat was observing everything and thinking, "If that fly moves closer to the fish, the fish will jump, the bear will grab the fish, the hunter will shoot the bear, the rat will grab the sandwich, and I'll snatch the rat."

At that very moment, the fly dropped a few inches, the fish grabbed the fly, the bear grabbed the fish, the hunter shot the bear, the rat grabbed the sandwich, the cat jumped, missed the rat and landed in the lake.

The moral of this story is: If the fly drops six inches the pussy will get wet.

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Mail...

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his neighbour came out of the house and went straight to the mail box, opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house.

A little later they came out again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again.

Angrily, back into the house they went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, the neighbor came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by his neighbors actions the man asked, "Is something wrong?"

To which the neighbor (who was not very computer savvy) replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Time-Off

Two factory workers were talking. "I know how to get some time off from work." said the man. 
"How do you think you will do that?" said the other one. He proceeded to show her...by climbing up to the rafters, and hanging upside down. 


The boss walked in, saw the worker hanging from the ceiling, and asked him what on earth he was doing? "I'm a light bulb" answered the guy. 


"I think you need some time off," said the boss. So, the man jumped down and walked out of the factory. The second worker began walking out too. The boss asked her where did she think she was going? 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Penal Enlargement

 

I was actually thinking about getting penal enlargement surgery -- thought I'd share that with everybody.

 

But the surgery is dangerous, and it's really expensive.

 

But I found this great, safe alternative to penal enlargement surgery: the metric system.

 

 

 

 

Edited by worldangel

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: During a robbery, one of the robber ...

 

During a robbery, one of the robbers mask slid down.


He looked at a man and asked. Did you see my face?


The man said yes! The robber shot him.


Then he asked a woman. Did you see my face? 


She said no, but my husband over there did.

 

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Three astronauts...

Once upon a time Nasa decided to send three astronauts to space for 2 years.

NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each.

The first astronaut decided to take along his wife, the second decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, while the third astronaut decided to take along cigarettes.

Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home.

First came the first astronaut and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms.

Next, out came the second astronaut speaking fluent German.

They both gave their speeches and got a rousing applause.

Suddenly out came the third astronaut with a cigarette in his mouth.

He walked up to the podium and snarled to the crowd and asked, 'Has anyone got a friggin' match?'

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: It's late, the bartender and a...

It's late, the bartender and a guy are the only ones left in the bar. The guy pushes his empty beer glass over to the edge of the counter, walks to the other end of the bar, and says to the bartender, "If I could spit from here, and get it in the glass without getting any anywhere else, would you give me $50?" The bartender, not seeing how this bet could be cheated, says, "ok, show me." The guy spits and makes it in the glass without getting any on the counter or the floor. The bartender say, "That's amazing! You deserve the $50!"

 


The next day, about noon, the guy's in the bar again, and says to the bartender, if I can do it again, but with 2 glasses side by side, would you give me $100? The bartender agrees, and the guys spits from across the bar and makes it in both glasses, without getting any anywhere else.

The evening rolls around, and the bartender sticks a bunch of glasses all over the bar. He then says to the guy, "if you can spit in all of these glasses at the same time, without getting any anywhere else, I'll give you $200" The guy says, "Sure, but I need a little time to get ready" So after a minute, the guy comes up, and procceds to spit everywhere at lightning speed.

 

The bartender, seeing that the guy has missed ever single cup, jumps up and down for joy, screaming. The guys pays the bartender, and says, "I don't see what you're so happy about, I just bet the guy in the corner $500 that I could spit all over your bar, and you'd be happy about it.

 

Edited by worldangel

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

Joke: Diagnose this patient...

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Two lions

Two lions were lying around in the jungle. One of them his licking his asshole.


The other lion asked him, "Why are you licking your asshole?"

The second lion replied, "Aww, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Sounds Of The Wild


A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. 
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"


Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" 


And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

Joke: The hearing aid...

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Sounds Of The Wild


A mother was reading a book about animals to her 3 year old daughter. 
Mother: "What does the cow say?"
Child: "Moo!"


Mother: "Great! What does the cat say?"
Child: "Meow."
Mother: "Oh, you're so smart! What does the frog say?" 


And this wide-eyed little 3 year-old looked up at her mother and in her deepest voice replied, "Bud."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

Joke: Toilet Paper

What’s dumb? Instructions on toilet paper.
What’s dumber than that? reading them.

What’s even dumber? Reading them and learning something.

Dumbest of all? Reading them and having to correct something you've been doing wrong.


a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: A guy walks into a bar...........

A guy walks into a bar...........
He orders a drink........... after a few.......... he must visit the john.

he does not want anyone to steal his drink. so he puts a sign on it. saying, , " I SPIT IN THIS BEER, DO NOT DRINK'.

After a few minutes he returns........... There is another sign next to his beer, saying, SO DID I.


 

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Joke: Animal Super Bowl

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.


At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

a good oral sex makes your day, a good anal sex makes your "hole weak"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Guest locked this topic
  • G_M unlocked this topic
Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...