Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: New Law office

A newly established lawyer, wanting to impress the first client coming into his office, picked up the phone and said, "I'm sorry, but I have a tremendous case load and won't be able to look into this for at least a month."

He then hung up, turned to the young man in his office and asked, "What can I do for you, sir?"

"Nothing," replied the young man.

"I'm just here to hook up your phone."
 

Edited April 24, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: One night, as a couple lay ...

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

 

Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

 

Edited April 24, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Mechanic was removing ...


A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.

The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... 
"Try doing it with the engine running."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: I Want To Take Money With Me


As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most--his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me."

All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. 

While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin."

The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that."

The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Laughs

Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."
Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."

So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"

Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"

With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.

"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."

"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Airplane ride...

 

 

Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the State Fair every year.

 

Every year Stumpy would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane."

 

And every year Martha would say, "I know, Stumpy, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

 

This one year Stumpy and Martha went to the fair and Stumpy said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance. "

 

Martha replied, "Stumpy, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

 

The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars."

 

Stumpy and Martha agreed and up they go.

 

The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard.

 

He does all his tricks over a gain, but still not a word.

 

They land and the pilot turns to Stumpy, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

 

Stumpy replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

 

Edited April 25, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Fun at the zoo!

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: I was out walking with my 4 year ...

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

"Because it's been laying outside, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Wow! How do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly, "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy." We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face and joy in my heart.

[worldangel]

Joke: That kinda guy

Derek was tired of working at a logging venue for what seemed to be like an eternity. So he decides to go to town and have some serious fun. He goes to a Bed and Breakfast place asks the owner, "Where do I go if I want a little fun around here?"

The owner answered, "There ain't no women for miles, but if you want it real bad, we have a Chinese cook."

"Hey, I'm not that kinda guy!" said Derek, and went away.

A week went by, and Derek was back to the owner's cabin. He said, "Lets suppose I opted for the Chinese cook, how many people would have to know about it?"

The owner replied "Hmm... there's me, there's you, him, that's six in all, we need three to hold him down - he's not that kinda guy either!!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Before going to Europe on business ...

Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan of $5,000.

 

The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral. "Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says. The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

 

The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

 

Edited April 25, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: False Advertising

I don’t believe anything I see on TV. There was that herbal shampoo commercial where the ladies were in the shower using the shampoo, and they’re having orgasms. I went to Costco and bought the family pack of that. I was in the shower all weekend. The shampoo does not cause orgasms -- the bottle does.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Be My Valentine 

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.
"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Great news...

College student: "Hey, Dad! I've got some great news for you!"

Father: "What, son?"

College student: "Remember that $500 you promised me if I made the Dean's list?"

Father: "I certainly do!"

College student: "Well, you get to keep it."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Interview

A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer decides to start with the basics. 'So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?'

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying, 'Ehhhh .. 22!'

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. 'And can you tell us your height, please?'

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces, 'Five foot two!'

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. 'And uhh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?'

The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying, 'Mandy!'

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks, 'Just out of curiosity, Miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?'

'Ohh that!', replies the blonde, 'That's just me running through 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you....''

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Walk on water....

Joe heard a rumor that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all walked on water on their 21st birthdays.

So, on his 21st birthday, Joe and his good friend Brian headed out to the lake. "If they did it, I can too!" he insisted.

When Joe and Brian arrived at the lake, they rented a boat and began paddling. When the got to the middle of the lake, Joe stepped off of the side of the boat... and damn near drowned.

Furious and somewhat shamed, he and Brian headed for home.

When Joe arrived back at the family farm, he asked his grandmother for an explanation. "Grandma, why can I not walk on water like my father, and his father, and his father before him?"

The feeble old grandmother took Joe by the hands, looked into his eyes, and explained, "That's because your father, grandfather, and great-grandfather were born in January... you were born in July, dear."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Psychiatrist Phone


Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal retentive, please hold. 

 

[worldangel]

 

 

Joke: A man goes on a 2-month business...

A man goes on a 2-month business trip to Europe and leaves his cat with his brother. Three days before his return he calls his brother. 

Brother 1: So how is my cat doing?
Brother 2: He's Dead

Brother 1: He's Dead! What do you mean He's Dead! I loved that cat. Couldn't you think of a nicer way to tell me! I'm leaving in 3 days. You could of broke me to the news easier. You could of told me today that she got out of the house or something. Then when I called before I left you could of told me, Well, we found her but she is up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down. Then when I call you from the airport you could of told me, The Fire Department was there and scared her off the roof and the cat died when it hit the ground.

Brother 2: I'm sorry...you're right...that was insensitive I won't let it happen again.

Brother 1: Alright, alright, forget about it. Anyway, how is Mom doing?

Brother 2: She's up on the roof and we're having trouble getting her down.

[worldangel]

Joke: Blondes Like That

While walking in the park, two blondes see another blonde rowing her boat on the grass. The first blonde says to the second blonde, "It's blondes like that one that give us a bad name!" 

The second blonde replies, "I know, if I could swim I would go over there and punch her!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Steak and Beer for A Quarter

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman charges him 10 cents. Confused, but not complaining, the man pays. 

After a while he decides to have another, and some food, so he orders another beer and a steak. The barman charges him 25 cents, 10 for the beer and 15 for the food. 

After finishing his food and drink, he calls the barman over and says, "Mate, that was the best steak I've ever had. I want to talk to the manager and thank him." 

"No problem," says the barman. "He's upstairs with my wife." 

"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" asks the man. 

"Probably the same thing I'm doing to his business down here!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: May I See Your Ticket

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My Wish Is To Live Forever

I met a fairy today. She said she would grant me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said. 

"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that." 

"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets it's head out of it's ass!" 

"You crafty little bastard," said the fairy.

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Man Exploits Man

The difference between capitalism and communism is that under communism man exploits man, whereas under capitalism it’s the other way around.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You Are Invited To A Party

The invitation to the party said: “You are invited to a party for those who cannot have an orgasm." 

P.S. Let us know if you can't come!

[worldangel]

Joke: Complete and Utter Exhaustion

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" 

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" 

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: It seems a farm boy accidently ...


It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Wilmer!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and have a bite with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you," Wilmer answered. "But I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on." the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Wilmer thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

Wilmer replied, "Under the wagon."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Naked Photo Texts

I have girlfriends who will text message naked photos of themselves to their man. Which, I guess the whole point of that is, to be like, Here’s what’s waiting for you at home, big boy.

 

If I was to do a here’s what’s waiting for you at home photo shoot, I would take some pictures of the frigging dishes, the bills right now.

 

My vaginas not waiting for you at home at all.
 

 

Edited April 26, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Shut Up and Trouble were walking...

Shut Up and Trouble were walking down a path. Trouble got lost. So, Shut Up went to the police officer. The police officer asked, "What's your name?"

He answered, "Shut Up."
He asked again "What's your name?"
"Shut Up."

The police officer asked, "Are you looking for trouble?!"
"Yeah, I lost him down a path about two miles ago."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Honest...

An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question."

She leaned forward.

"Mr. Peterson, are you an *honest* lawyer?"

"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."

"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher ...

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions." 

Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!" She sat down, red-faced. 

"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin 
"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan. 

"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Surgery

As the lawyer woke up after surgery, he said, "Why are all the blinds drawn?"

The doctor answered, "There's a big fire across the street, and we didn't want you to think the operation was a failure."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two guys were riding in a car ...

Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in. One said "Louieville" and the other "Louiseville."

 

They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly."

 

The waitress goes, "Bur-ger-King."

 

Edited April 26, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

 Joke: It'd Be Nice For Once

 

This man was participating during the Olympics. He walks in a store and finds Olympics condom, they come in gold, silver and bronze. He buys some and brings them back to his wife that night. "Honey," the man says, "I bought some Olympic condoms today and I thought we'd try one tonight." 

So that night the woman asks, "So what color are you wearing?" He replies "Gold, of course!" 

She says, "Oh honey, can't you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for once."

 

Edited April 26, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Sorry To Trouble You, Doctor

After returning home from an examination, the young woman phoned her gynecologist's office and asked. “Doctor, would you see if by chance I left my panties in your office?” 

He looked in the examining room, returned to the phone, and told her, “I’m afraid they are not here.” 

“Sorry to trouble you, doctor,” she said. “I’ll try my dentist.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Male or Female?

At the Immigration’s desk in an airport, a newcomer hands over his papers.

The clerk checks them over and says, "Sir you put 2 in the SEX section"

Man: "Yes, 2 times per week."

Clerk: "But is it male or female?"

Man: "It doesn't matter."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Perfect Man 

The perfect man is gentle Never cruel and never mean
He has a beautiful smile And keeps his face so clean.

The perfect man loves children And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father And a good husband to his bride.

The perfect man loves cooking Cleaning and vacuuming too
He'll do anything in his power To convey his love to you.

The perfect man is sweet Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother and kisses away your pain.

He will never make you cry or batter you in any way
To hell with this stupid poem

The perfect man is gay.

[worldangel]

Joke: A blonde was hard up for money...

A blonde was hard up for money, so she walked around her neighborhood, trying to find a job. 

She met a nice man who said he would give her work. All she had to do was paint his porch white. He gave her a bucket of paint and left.

He walked into his house, laughing. He told his brunette wife what he had done. "Frank, our porch covers half of the house! You're so mean." his wife replied. Three hours later, the blonde went in the house, and gave the bucket of white paint back to the man.

The astonished man handed her a $100 bill, and asked how she finished it so quickly.
"It takes time, but it was easy." was her reply. "Oh, and it's a Ferrari, not a Porsche."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The National Game warden put out ...

The National Game warden put out a warning to all hikers in his area.

Warning that they should wear small bells on their boots so not to startle the bears.

To distinguish the grizzly bear the notice read-- small bears droppings are small with nut and berries in it.

Grizzly bear droppings are much larger with nuts and berries and little tiny bells in it.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Kittens....

A three-year-old went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother there were two boy kittens and two girl kittens.

"How did you know?" his mother asked.

"Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it was printed on the bottom."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A wife woke in the middle of the ...

A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement.

 

After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up in the corner, of the basement,... crying like a baby. "Honey, what's wrong?", she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant and your father threatened me to either marry you or to go to jail?" 

 

"Yes, of course," she replied. 
"Well, I would have been released from jail this afternoon!"
 

Edited April 27, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: What Their Daddy's Do

A third grade teacher asked her students to, one by one, stand in front of the class and tell what their Daddy's do.

Little Mary went first, “My daddy is a doctor and he saves people's lives”

“That's wonderful Mary. Now how about you Jane, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is a lawyer and he puts bad people in jail,” says Jane

“Very good Jane. Ok Johnny, what does your daddy do?”

“My daddy is dead” says Johnny

“Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that Johnny,” said the teacher, “what did he do before he died?”

“He turned blue and shit on the carpet”

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Longitude and latitude...

The teacher of the Earth Science class was lecturing on map reading.

He spent the class explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees, and minutes. Towards the end of class, the teacher asked his students, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude..."

A student's voice broke the confused silence, and volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone, sir."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: How Many Women?

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" 

"Sixteen," the boy responded. 
His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" 
"Easy," the little boy said. 

"All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: An old man goes to the Wizard ...

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. 

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation "'I now pronounce you man and wife'".

[worldangel]

Joke: Only one kiss per yard...

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.

"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.

The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her, and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man was walking along a California ...

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

 

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No, think of another wish."

 

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

 

The genie asked, "Do you want that bridge two lanes or four?"

Edited April 27, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: 100% Polar bear...

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"

"Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."

A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"

"Son, I'm 100% polar bear and your mother is 100% polar bear, so you're certainly 100% polar bear."

A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear again turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I really need to know... am I really 100% polar bear?"

Distressed by this continued questioning, the father polar bear finally asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?"

"Because I'm freezing to death out here!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A magician was working on a cruise ship ...

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick. 

Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another.

After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat ?
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Good news for convict

Jerry Pinto, the lawyer pays a visit to his client on death row, and says to him, "I have some good news for you, George."

George, the client says, "What good news can there possibly be? You lost my case, I was convicted of a murder I did not commit, and I've been sentenced to die in the electric chair!"

Jerry Pinto, the lawyer says, "Yes, but I got the voltage reduced."

[worldangel]

Joke: A mother and her young inquisitive ...

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer), told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The little boy admitted that she did.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Fate Of Marriages

It is often cited that there are half as many divorces as marriages in the US, so one concludes that average marriages have a 50% chance of ending by divorce.

 

While I was a graduate student, among my peers there were twice as many divorces as marriages, leading us to conclude that average marriages would end twice...

 

Edited April 28, 2016 by worldangel