Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Professions

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...

Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc."

[worldangel]

Joke: Smashing The Cigarettes

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he'd lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. "No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes," he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the lady came in. "Here," she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. "I found them in the hallway." "Now," she said, "if only I could find my gerbil."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Abstract noun

The English teacher Mrs. Brown was teaching nouns on a Wednesday morning. She said to her class, "An abstract noun is something you can think of, but you can't touch it. Who can give give me an example of one?"

"I can," said Sam, a teenager. "My father's new car."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A miracle for a drink...

A mangy-lookin' guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says "No way. I don't think you can pay for it."

The guy says "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

The bartender says "Only if what you show me ain't risque."

"Deal!" says the guy, as he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down a barstool, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key board and starts playing Gershwin songs. And the hamster is really good.

The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano." The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.

"Money or another miracle else no drink," says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar, and the frog starts to sing. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch, a fine singer. A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog.

The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the frog to the stranger, who runs out of the bar with it.

The bartender says to the guy, "Are you some kind of nut?! You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy!"

"Not so," says the guy. "The hamster is also a ventriloquist!"

[worldangel]

Joke: There was a blonde driving ...


There was a blonde driving in her car on the highway. She crashed into the car in front of her and a cop came over to her and said mam what is wrong?

 

She said officer no matter where i turn there is a tree if i turn left, right, there is a tree. The officer leaned over and said mam that is your air freshener.

 

Edited May 11, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Christmas Gifts

This past Christmas, I told my girlfriend for months in advance, Baby, all I want from you this year is an Xbox. That’s it.

 

Beginning and end of list: Xbox. You know what she got me? A homemade frame with a picture of us from our first date together. Which was fine -- because I got her an Xbox.

 

 

Edited May 11, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Red truck

An Alabamian came home and found his house on fire.

He rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted,

"Hurry over here, muh house is on fahr!"

"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"

"Shucks, don't you fellers still have those big red trucks?"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Your car in heaven....

Three guys died and when they got to the pearly gates, St. Peter met them there. St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big, what kind of car you get will depend on your answer."

The first guy walks up and Peter asks him, "How long were you married?"

The first guy says, "24 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked. The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto to drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter.

The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln."

The third guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

A few days later, the two guys with the Lincoln and the Pinto saw the guy with the Jaguar crying on the golden sidewalk. When they asked the guy with the Jaguar what was wrong, he said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"

[worldangel]

Joke: 100 pound pig

Mike Mooney A Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig.

The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100".

Astonished the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way".

The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man".

The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, " This here pig weighs about 100 pounds".

The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman".
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Assign The Punishment

Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone. 

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment. 

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair, and flies circled her. 

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off. 

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying: "Cindy, you have sinned."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I've Tried Everything

A little boy was sitting on the side of a curb and was crying.

This old man was passing by, and he stopped and asked the little boy, “My dear boy, why are you crying?”

The little boy looked up at the old man all teary eyed and said, "I've tried everything and I cannot get laid."

The old man looked at the little boy, sat right next to him, and started crying too.

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: $300,000 Plus Expenses

A man walks into the welfare office and tells the clerk, "You know, I'm getting tired of this welfare thing. I hate the image, and I don't want to be a drain on the public resources. It's time I found a real job." 

The clerk looks at him and replies, "Sir, we have just the thing for you. We have an opening for someone to be chauffeur and companion to a rich young heiress. You drive her to shopping and lunch and Pilate’s classes, and satisfy all her sexual urges. You have the use of a stretch limo, and a two bedroom apartment over the garage. The salary is $300,000 a year plus expenses." 

The man stares at the clerk for a moment and then says, "You're bullshitting me!" 

The clerk replies sarcastically, "Well, you started it."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: No, YOU Better Explain Yourself!

Every time this couple made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years and a couple of kids the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down, and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device, a vibrator! 

It was soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. "You impotent bastard," she screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!" 

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, "I'll explain the toy. . . you explain the kids."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Just A Little Bit

In Rio on a business trip, Sam found himself hampered by the fact that he did not know the language. He was at once delighted and dismayed, therefore, when a beautiful young Brazilian woman sat down at his restaurant table. "Do you speak English?” 

“Si,” she said with a bright white smile, “bot jus’ a leetle beet.” 

“Just a little bit, eh?” Sam repeated joshing. “How much?” 

“Ninety-five dollars,” was the prompt reply.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Couple of Stiff Ones

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice looking girl behind the wheel. There was a strong liquor smell all over the car. 

"I am going to give you a Breathalyzer test,” he said. “That will show whether or not you are under the influence of alcohol.” 

She blew up the balloon and the cop walked it back to the police car. After a minute or two, he returned to the girl’s car. “Well, it looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones,” he said. 

“You mean it shows that too?!?!” she asked, surprised.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Other $50 Dollars

Seventy-year-old Mr. Larson went to see his doctor. "Doc,” he said, “I need something which will enable me to get an erection. What can you do?"

The doctor gave the man a shot of potency drug, but only charged him $50.00 for the office visit. A few days later, thrilled with the results, Mr. Larson returned for a second injection. Only this time, before leaving, he gave the doctor a crisp $100 bill.

“But the bill is only $50.00,” said the doctor. “I know,” he winked. “The other $50.00 is from my wife.”

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: How To Run Your Fire Truck

A firefighter is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a Firefighter's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog. The firefighter says, "Hey, little girl, whatcha doing?" 

The little girl says, "I'm a firefighter and this is my Fire truck!" 

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl, that sure is a nice fire truck!" the firefighter says. 

"Thanks, mister" says the little girl. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the little girl had tied the wagon to the dog's testicles. 

"Little girl," says the firefighter, "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck, I think you could go faster." 

The little girl says, "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Do You Have Cable?

I met this girl in a bar, and one thing lead to another. I said, "Let's go back to my place." 

She said, "Oh, do you have cable?" 

I said, "No, but I have some old ropes that should hold just fine."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Mating Season

A man was at a zoo and noticed one of the Orangutans dressing up and combing his hair. The man asked the Orangutan, “Why are you getting all dressed up?” 

The Orangutan answered, “Mating season starts today.” 

“Orangutans have a mating season?” 

“Don't Humans have a mating season?” 

The lonely man responded, “Is anytime I can get it a season?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It Better Be Her!

Two dogs are chasing another dog in the rain. The lead dog is kicking mud in to the faces of its two pursuers. 

Dog #3 playfully barks over to dog #2 and says, “It’s a bitch, ain’t it?" 

Dog #2 barks back, “It better be!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Single Women vs Married Women

Why are married women usually heavier than single women? 

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. 

Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Do the Math

The chairman of the Mathematics Department at the college sent the following email to his wife: 

Dear Helen, You know that you are 54 years old and are no longer able to satisfy all of my needs. By the time you read this I will be off to meet my 18-year-old intern at the Holiday Inn. I'm sure you understand and agree that my needs are important. I will try to be home before midnight. 

Well after reading the message, she immediately sent the following reply: 

Dear Mack, Received your email and I do understand needs. Just wanted to remind you, that you also are 54 years old. By the time you receive this reply, I will be at the Ritz Carlton meeting with our 18-year-old pool boy. I know that as a mathematics professor you will understand that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. Turn off the lights when you go to bed and don't wait up, I'll be home very late.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It's Close Enough

85 year old Lucy bursts into the game-room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!” 

An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?” Lucy thinks a minute and says, “Close enough!”

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Telepathic Watch

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?" 

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it." 

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?" 

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains. 

"What's it telling you now?" she asks. 

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties." 

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!" 

"Damn, this thing must be an hour fast then."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: If You Give Her A Smile

If you give her sperm, she'll give you a baby. If you give her a house, she'll give you a home. If you give her groceries, she'll give you a meal. If you give her a smile, she'll give you her heart. 

She multiplies and enlarges what is given to her. So, if you give her any crap, be ready to receive a ton of shit.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What's the Beer For?

A man is having his first proctologic exam. The nurse told him to have a seat in the examination room and said the doctor would be with him in just a few minutes. 

As he waited, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor’s desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer. 

When the doctor appeared, the man said, “Look Doc, this is my first exam. I know what the K-Y is for, and I know what the glove is for, but what’s the beer for?” 

The doctor curses in exasperation, flung open the door, and yelled to his nurse. “Nurse! I said to bring me a butt light!”

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Four Advantages

A pre-med student takes an examination and the last question is: Give four advantages of breast milk. 

The student begins to answer the question: No need to sterilize bottles, healthier for the child, available whenever necessary. 

But the fourth point escapes him. With a minute left to finish the test he gives a desperate answer: Available in attractive containers.

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Two Blondes Walking Down the Road

Two blondes were walking down the road and the first blonde says, "Look at that dog with one eye!" 

The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says, "Where?"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: It Doesn't Work That Quick

After completing their shopping, these two friends were about to drive back home and one of them realized that she’d forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for birth-control pills. 

Rushing into the nearest drugstore, she handed the prescription to the pharmacist. “Can you fill this quickly?” she asked. “I’ve got someone waiting in the car.”

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Like the Way You Think

There's a little boy in Ms. Hill's class named Rodger, and he's a little raunchy. One day Ms. Hill goes, "Would anyone like to guess what's red and round?" 

Rodger raises his hand and says, ”A red ball." 

"No, it's an apple," says Ms. Hill, "but I like the way you think." Then she says, "What's orange and round?" 

Rodger says, "An orange ball." 

"No, it's an orange, but I like the way you think." 

Then Rodger says, "I got one for you, Ms. Hill. What's long and pink?" 

Ms. Hill looks stern and says, "Rodger, that is unacceptable in my class!" 

Then Rodger says, "Actually, it's an eraser, but I like the way you think!"

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I'll Show You My Battle Scar

It was a surprise party for one of the girls in the office who was leaving to get married. Most of the other girls wanted to know if the prospective groom was a man of means. 

“Well,” said the bride-to-be, “he surprised me by saying we were going to spend our honeymoon in France.” 

The gals tittered excitedly. “How did he spring it on you?” they asked anxiously. 

“Well, we were discussing it,” she replied, “When he said as soon as we were married he would show me where he was wounded in the war.”

[worldangel]

Joke: Nice Big Breaths

A woman at the doctor’s office is being examined. The doctor listened to her chest with his stethoscope and said, "Nice big breaths." 

She responded, "Thank you Doctor, but I wish you could have seen them when I was younger!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Who Came First

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on it's face. 

The egg, looking very hacked off, grabs the quilt, rolls over and says, "Well, we finally answered THAT question!"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Location, Location, Location

A guy walks into a sleazy bar and orders a drink. After a while he tells the barmaid, “You should get your belly button pierced.” 

She replies, “Why would I want to do that?” 

"It’s a great place to hang an air freshener."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Why You Lying

A man is having an affair with his secretary. The passions overwhelm them one day shortly before he's due home to have dinner with his wife. He quickly starts getting dress and tells his lover the secretary to go out in the yard with his shoes and rub them all over the lawn. 

When gets home he finds an angry wife who says, "Why are you late for dinner?" 

He replies, "Well honey I am going to be perfectly honest with you, I’m having an affair with my secretary!" 

She replies, "Why you lying no good son of a buck, you've been out golfing again, look at your shoes!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What's The Difference

What's the difference between your wife and your mistress?
About 45lbs. 

What's the difference between your husband and your lover?
About 45 minutes.

 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Why Did You Do That?

A woman was talking to her husband and tells him, "Guess what? Today I spent 150 dollars on bras." 

He looks around as if confused. “Why did you do that, you are practically flat,” he responded. 

With her hands on her hips and aggravation in her voice, she said, “In that case, why do you buy trousers?”

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A Blonde's Brain

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette.

"We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde.

"I almost got caught."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Employment clause

When Tina returned from a job interview, her boyfriend asked her how the interview went.

"Went well," said Tina, "but if I take up the job, I won't get a vacation until I get married."

Her boyfriend said, "Never heard of a clause like that! What exactly did they tell you?"

Tina replied, "The application read: 'Vacation cannot be taken until the candidate completes her First Anniversary.'"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You will spend eternity here...

The devil meets him at the gate and says, "Alright, you have died and come to hell. You will spend eternity here, but you get to choose how to spend it. You may choose one of these three doorways. Once you choose a door, you may not change it. So let's get started."

The devil opens Door One. The guy looks in and sees a couple of people standing on their heads on a Concrete floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on."

The devil opens Door Two. The guy sees a few more people standing on their heads on a Wood floor. The guy says, "No way, let's move on."

The devil opens Door Three. The guy sees a bunch of people standing knee-deep in cow manure drinking coffee. The guy says, "Great, this is the one I will chose." The devil says, "OK, wait right here, I will get you some coffee."

The guy settles in with his coffee thinking that this isn't so bad. What's the big deal?

After about 10 minutes a voice comes over the loud speaker saying, "Coffee break's over. Back on your heads!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: And The Fairy Said….

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish. “Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.” said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish… So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! – the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: “Fairies are female.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hillbilly at the hospital...

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.

Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Someone Really Stinks

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out.

Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."

And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A woman who died found herself...

A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful.
Did I really make it to heaven?"

To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.L-o-v-e."

St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"

St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband.

"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"

To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Circle of flies....

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

The farmer said, 'Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?' The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, 'Well yeah, if that's what they are, but I never heard of circle flies.'

So the farmer says, 'Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse.'

The trooper says, 'Oh,' and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, 'Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?'

The farmer says, 'Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass.'

The trooper says, 'Well, that's a good thing,' and goes back to writing the ticket.

After a long pause, the farmer says, 'Hard to fool them flies though...'

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Moral of the story

An elephant and a mouse are walking together through the jungle when the elephant falls into a very large hole. The hole is so large that try as he might, the elephant is unable to climb out.

So the mouse says, "Hang around, I'll get something to drag you out with" and leaves. A little while later the mouse returns driving a Porsche and with a rope tied to the bumper bar and he drags the elephant out of the hole.

The two friends continue their stroll through the jungle when all of a sudden, the mouse falls into a hole. The elephant immediately stands over the hole and squatting over it, lowers his penis so the mouse can grab it and lift himself out of the hole.

The moral of this story is that "If your dick is long enough you don’t need a Porsche."

[worldangel]

Joke: Composed old man

An old man had to be admitted to hospital due to a painful illness. The doctors told his family that there were little chances of his survival.

So his entire family gathered around his hospital bed and as family members do, everybody tried to cheep him up.

"Your face looks brighter today," said his wife.

"You seem to be breathing much easier," said his son.

"You look fresh", added a nephew.

The old man, as composed as ever, remarked "Thank Goodness! It's good to learn that I am going to die a cured man!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Mad Cows

Two cows were talking in the field. One cow says, "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"

The other cow answers, "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Bad Choice of Words

Two car salesmen were sitting at the bar. One complained to the other, “Boy, business sucks. If I don’t sell more cars this month I’m going to lose my ass.” 

Then he noticed a beautiful girl sitting two stools away. Immediately, he apologized for his bad choice of words. 

“That’s okay,” she said, “If I don’t sell more ass this month, I’m going to lose my car.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Headstone Just For You

A couple had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever.’” 

“Yeah?” she replies. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.’”