Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Expected apology

On her way back from the concession stand, Julie asked a man at the end of the row, "Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?"

Expecting an apology, the man said, "Indeed you did."

Julie nodded, and noted, "Oh good. Then this is my row."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Material Damage

A yuppie was opening the door of his BMW when a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie complained bitterly about the damage to his car.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!"

"You yuppies are so materialistic, it's ridiculous" retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off."

"Oh, my Goodness!" screamed the yuppie, noticing the bloody stump where his arm used to be. "My Rolex!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Kiss

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is? 

"No, I don't," said the little boy 
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work." 

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Two girlfriends were speeding ...

Two girlfriends were speeding down the highway at well over 90 mph.
"Hey," asked the brunette at the wheel, "see any cops following us?"

The blonde turned around for a long look. "As a matter of fact, I do."
"Fuck!" cursed the brunette. "Are his flashers on?

The blonde turned around again. "Yup...nope...yup...nope....yup....."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Blood flow

A physical instructor was giving practical demonstrations of various physical positions. He stood on his head and blood ran to his head making his face turn red. Later he asked: “When I turned upside down, blood ran to my face. Now tell me, why the same thing does not happen when I am on my feet?”

A back bencher replied: “May be because your feet are not empty?
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: $100,000

A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside his three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer.

I know, he says, they say 'you can't take it with you.' But who knows? Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would put the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful, I'll have something.

They each agree to carry out his wish.

Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into the coffin.

After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the doctor turns to the other two and says, -Friends, I have a confession to make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the cutbacks in funding. Our CAT SCAN machine broke down and we haven't be able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked.

At this the priest says, I, too have a confession to make. As you know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the homeless. The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in the coffin as out friend requested.

Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, I am astonished and deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: An elderly man and woman meet ...

An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment. After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.

The old man is thinking... "Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her."

The old lady is thinking... "Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties."

[worldangel]

Joke: What Do You Want For Our 40th Wedding Anniversary?

John asks his wife, Mary what she wants to celebrate their 40th wedding anniversary.

"Would you like a new mink coat?" he asks.

"Not really," says Mary.

"Well how about a new Mercedes sports car?" says John.

"No," she responds.

"What about a new vacation home in the country?" he suggests.

She again rejects his offer with a "No thanks."

"Well what would you like for our anniversary?" John asks.

"John, I'd like a divorce," answers Mary.

"Sorry, I wasn't planning to spend that much," says John.

[worldangel]

Joke: No Male Pallbearers

An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.

In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: We noticed that all the waiter...

We noticed that all the waiters in this New York restaurant carried two spoons in their vest pocket. Naturally, we were curious. We asked a waiter why.

'Sir, as a result of an efficiency study by the management, it was determined that the most frequently dropped silverware item was a spoon. Therefore, all the waiters carry two spoons so that the item can be instantly replaced.' As he was explaining that we noticed a string hanging out of the fly of his pants. So, we asked about that.

'Sir, that's another efficiency study result. When we have to go to the bathroom, we use the string to pull ourselves out and aim. Therefore, we do not have to stop to wash our hands.' We replied, 'I understand how you can get yourself out and aim, but how do you get yourself back in.' 'Well,' replied the waiter, 'I don't know about the other guys, but I use the two spoons!'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dream job

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the young programmer, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The programmer said, "In the neighborhood of $75,000 a year, depending on the benefit's package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company Corvette leased every 2 years?"

The programmer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?"

The HR Person replied, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Disappearing diner...

A man and a beautiful woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. Their waitress, taking another order at a table a few paces away suddenly noticed that the man was slowing sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman acted unconcerned.

 

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman dining across from him appeared calm and unruffled, apparently unaware that her dining companion had disappeared.

After the waitress finished taking the order, she came over to the table and said to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table." The woman calmly looked up at her and replied firmly, "No he didn't. My husband just walked in the door."

Edited May 20, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: This young man was elated when...

This young man was elated when he turned eighteen in a state where curfew is 11:00 p.m. for anyone under seventeen years of age.

 

He told his Dad how happy he was that now he could stay out until 3:00 a.m. if he wanted. “Yes you can stay out as late as you want, but the car is under seventeen and it has to be in the garage by eleven” His father said.
 

Edited May 20, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 J

oke: Pull Over

Sara was driving home from work when she noticed a Policeman following her.

"Pull over!" the cop announced.

Sara pulled over and rolled down the window as the officer approached her.

"You were exceeding the speed limit, Ma'am," the police officer said. "You are also not wearing your seat belt. I'm going to have to write you a ticket." He then wrote her $25.00 ticket.

Back home, Sara was wondering how she was going to explain this to her husband who would no doubt notice the fee in their checkbook. Suddenly she had a bright idea.

Opening the checkbook register, she made the following entry: One Pullover, $25.00.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Cold Water

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia. 

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!" 

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?" 
Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!" 

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car". 

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Subjects for a date

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.
The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.

He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A very shy guy goes into a bar...

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." 
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cancer Research

Peter was walking down 35th Street in New York city when he was approached by a woman with a clipboard.

"Good morning, sir," she said. Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?"

"Just a few minutes?" Peter asked.

"Just a few minutes," the woman replied.

"Okay," Peter said, "But we're not going to get much done."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A part in the play...

A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.

Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: New Person In Prison


A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. 
Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. 
The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. 

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. 
You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. 
I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France." 

The new man asked, "What happened?" 
"One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!" 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: White hairs...

One day, a girl walks to her mother and look at her mother's hair and sadly said: "Why are some of your hair white mom?"

The mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white.

The girl thought about this revelation a while, and then said, "Momma, how come *all* of grandma's hairs are white?"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Drummer Problems

A musical director was having a lot of trouble with one drummer. He talked and talked and talked with the drummer, but his performance simply didn't improve.

Finally, before the whole orchestra, he said, "When a musician just can't handle his instrument and doesn't improve when given help, they take away the instrument, and give him two sticks, and make him a drummer."

A stage whisper was heard from the percussion section: "And if he can't handle even that, they take away one of his sticks and make him a conductor."

[worldangel]

Joke: Taxi Fare

A frat boy gets into the back of a cab and asks the cabbie, "Do you have enough room up there for a pizza and a six pack of beer?"

The cabbie says, "Sure." So the frat boy leans forward and throws up.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A married couple were asleep ...

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, the wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here?" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some young woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Furniture

There were these two ovaries and they were cleaning their house when they heard a knock at the door.

"I'll get the door." says the first ovary.

She looks out the peep hole and says, "Did you order furniture?"

"No, why?" askes the other ovary.

"Because there are two nuts at the door trying to shove in an organ!"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Shut Up and Trouble were walking ...

Shut Up and Trouble were walking down a path. Trouble got lost. So, Shut Up went to the police officer. The police officer asked, "What's your name?"

He answered, "Shut Up."
He asked again "What's your name?"
"Shut Up."

The police officer asked, "Are you looking for trouble?!"
"Yeah, I lost him down a path about two miles ago."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Fix the mailbox

Rosy said to her husband, "Tim, could you please fix the mailbox for me?"

Tim asked, "What happened to the mailbox?" 

Rosy replied, "The post is beginning to rot. It needs a new post, but save the box."

Tim said, "All right, let me see what I can do."

When Tim walked to the end of the driveway, he realized that the post to the mailbox was indeed in bad shape. To free the box from the post, he pulled out all the nails except for one that had rust on it and just wouldn't come out. He wrapped his arms around the box in a bear hug and began trying to yank it off.

Just then a passerby, who noticed the entire episode, commented, "I tried that but it doesn't work. The bills just keep on coming!"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: What Will The Neighbors Think?

Jack was living in Arizona during a heat wave when the following took place.

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," complained Jack as he stepped out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"Probably that I married you for your money."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lottery

 

A wife comes in and yells, ''Honey, pack your clothes! I just won the lottery!''

 

Her husband yells back, ''Should I pack for the beach or for the mountains?''

 

The wife replies, ''I don't care! Just get the hell out!''

 

 

 

 

 

Edited May 21, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A Guy was staying in a fancy hotel ...

 

A Guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him quite bluntly to get out. When asked for the reason, the manager said, "Because you peed in the pool."

"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."

"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Finally, the good-natured boss...

 

Finally, the good-natured boss was compelled to call Smith into his office. 

"It has not escaped my attention," he pointed out, "that every time there's a home game at the stadium, you have to take your aunt to the doctor." 

"You know you're right, sir," exclaimed Smith, "I didn't realize it. You don't suppose she's faking, do you?" 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Children of Movie stars

The children of two movie actresses were talking.

Tina: “Somebody told me you have a new father, how is he?”

Rita: “Really nice. Come to my place, you can meet him. I am sure you will like him.”

Tina: “I have already met him. Last year, he was my father too.”

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The vet...

There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.

Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.

He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Women and gossip

Rita noticed that her friend, Julie, who was standing at a distance, was having a conversation with another friend. Judging by their gestures, Rita suspected that the conversation involved a secret.

When the other woman left, Rita walked up to Julie ans asked "What did she tell you?" 

"Now you know I never repeat gossip," said Julie.

"All right," Rita sighed.

Immediately, Julie whispered, "So listen carefully the first time!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Final Exam

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!'

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' 

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

[worldangel]

 

Joke: How old?

An employer was taking interview of a prospective candidate.
Employer: “Have you ever worked anywhere else?”
Candidate: “Yes, sir.”

Employer: “For how long?”
Candidate: “Twenty years.”
Employer: “And how old are you?”
Candidate: “Twenty five years, sir.”

Employer: “How is it possible that you are all of twenty five and you have worked for twenty years?”
Candidate: “I was taking overtime into consideration, sir.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bad Taste

A guy opens his packed lunch that his wife made for him that morning. He takes a bite of the sandwich and immediately spits it out cursing. Straight away he phones his wife asking, "What was in that sandwich you gave me?"

"Why?" she asked.

"Because it was disgusting." he answers. "What was in it?"

"Crab Paste." she says.

"Well I have never had anything that tasted that awful before. Where did you get it from?"

"The Pharmacy." she answers

[worldangel]

Joke: As horny as hell

 

A guy is horny a hell - but broke. He goes to a whorehouse with $5.00, and begs the Madame to give him whatever she can for it.

 

She says "I'm sorry, but that will only cover the rent for ten minutes, and none of my hookers work for free!"

 

The guy gets the room, but has nothing to fuck. He looks out on the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon.

 

Quietly, he opens the window, grabs the poor bird and just fucks the living shit out of it. Satisfied, he goes home.

 

Next week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his pay cheque. He says to the Madame, "I got lots of money now...give me a hooker!".

 

The Madame replies "All of them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood?".

 

The guy does, and is enjoying the show, when he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Hey, these chicks really know what they're doing huh?",

 

The guy responds, "Yeah, but you should have been here last week, there was this guy fucking a pigeon!"

 

 

Edited May 21, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Boy Scout on the plane...

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy scout and a pastor were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane.

Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down.

Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.

Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said "I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped, also.

The pastor looked at the little boy scout and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy scout handed the parachute back to the pastor and said "Not to worry, Preacher. 'The smartest man in the world' just jumped out with my back pack."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Elderly Gentlemen

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. 

So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started walking home and began to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?" 

The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch. When I nibbled on her breast..... she farted and flew out the window!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A guy is reading his paper when...

A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan.
He asks, "What was that for?"

She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it."

He says, "Jeez, honey, remember last week when I went to the track? 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I went there to bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan.

He asks, "What was that for?"
She answers, "Your horse called."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pimple Head

Lewis has a big pimple in the middle of his forehead. A big, huge pimple, and it won't go away. So he goes to the doctor.
The doctor examines him and says, "Oh my! You've got a penis growing out of the middle of your forehead!"

Lewis says, "Oh, no, Doc! What can you do?"

The doctor says, "Don't worry. Once it's fully grown, we can remove it completely."

Lewis says, "What do you mean, FULLY GROWN?! Doc, I can't spend years and years staring at that thing, waiting for it to grow!"

The doctor says, "Well, you won't have to stare at it for long. Pretty soon, the balls will cover your eyes."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A prisoner in jail receives a ...

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?" 

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." 

A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden." 

The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: English Channel

Mrs. Kapoor, the English teacher asked a student in class, "Rahul, where is the English Channel?"

Rahul replied, "No idea Madam, our television doesn't pick it up."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: An amazing dog...

There was this ad posted on the office window of an accounting firm :

"HELP wanted. Must be able to type 70 words per minute. Computer literacy is required. Must be bilingual. EQUAL EMPLOYER."

So there was this dog ambling outside the office. It noticed the ad and shuffled into the office to apply for the position. The employer took one look at the dog, shook his head and said "But I can't hire a dog."

The dog pointed at the words EQUAL EMPLOYER on the ad. So the employer said, "OK, can you first type this document?" and gave the dog a letter. The dog typed everything correctly and neatly without a mistake at a rate of 70 words per minute.

Flustered, the employer then said, "Then, can you put these figures into spreadsheet and make a program to feed it into the mainframe, process it in the General Ledger Module and give me the Balance Sheets and Profit and Loss Statement?" and gave the dog some documents. The dog completed the spreadsheet, the program, the Balance Sheet and the P/L statement promptly & correctly.

The employer shook his head, pointed at the ad and said, "But are you bilingual?"

The dog said "Meow!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Dropping Your Phone in Your Own Piss

I’m in a new club, by the way. And I don’t know if you’re first timers like I am, but I’m in the I Just Dropped My Cell Phone in My Own Piss Club.

 

Have you done that? Yeah, good times. I’m on the phone and I forget that I’m using shoulder technique. Urinals were taken so I went in to use the regular john. And as I’m standing there, mid-conversation, I’m like Are you serious? And it just started to toboggan right down my powerful chest.
 

Edited May 22, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Carrot, Tomato, and pen ….

There's a carrot, a tomato, and a penis. The carrot said "I have the worst life of all. I get chopped up, put in a cake, and eaten."

The tomato says "No, I have the worst life of all. I get chopped up, put in a salad, and eaten".

Then the penis said, "I, my friends, have the worst life of all. I get a plastic bag shoved over my head, and then pushed back and forth into a warm tunnel until I choke!".

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The guy says, before we go any...

The guy says, before we go any further, I should warn you that I'm hung like a baby.

His new husband looked a bit disappointed, but then said well thats ok, now I have something to tell you. This isn't really my penis, I use a little padding. He takes his clothes off and sure enough he is as small as a pea pod.

The guy then takes his pants off and this huge penis flops out. He stares in disbelief and says, I thought you said you were hung like a baby.

He says Yea, I am 16 inches, 7 1/2 pounds.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tap Dancing Duck

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some wheeling and dealing, they settled for $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a ripoff! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!" 

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Discourage business

When Peter found that his printer was giving faded prints, he took it to a local repair store dealing in computers and printers. A friendly guy at the counter told Peter that the printer probably needed only to be cleaned. The counter guy further said that the store charged $40 for such services, and therefore, it would be a better idea for Peter to read the printer's manual and try doing the job himself.

Pleasantly surprised by his openness, Peter asked, "Is your boss aware that you discourage business?"

"Actually it's my boss's idea," the guy at the counter replied sheepishly. "We make a lot more money on repairs if we let people try to fix things on their own first."