Be Happy :)

[browncow]

In IMH

Patient A: "So how.. this book not bad ya?"

Patient B: "Excellent! Astounding work. No nonsense shit, sharp and

concise to the point. But there's a major flaw in this piece of art -> too

many character names to remember!!!"

Nurse: "Hey! Can the two of you..put the telephone book back to the

original place?"

[browncow]

IMH

Record II

One doctor asked a patient: "If I were to cut one of your ear off, what

will happen to you?"

Patient: "Then I will not be able to hear..."

Doctor: "Hmm.. that's normal...So if I were to cut your other ear off,

what will happen to you?"

Patient: "Then I will not be able to see..."

The doctor became nervous and asked: "Why would you not see then???"

Patient: "Because my spectacles will drop down..."

[browncow]

@ IMH

Record III

IMH has an old lady who wears black everyday, carries a black umbrella and

squats @ the entrance to the IMH everyday without fail, rain or shine.

The doctor wanted to administer treatment for her and decided to start by

understanding her behaviour.

So, the doctor also wear black and carries a black umbrella; squatted

outside together just next to her, rain or shine, everyday without fail.

So...days goes by...the two of them squatted side-by-side w/o a single

exchange of words..for one solid month...

One fine day..the old lady finally broke the silence and asked the doctor:

"Err...Excuse me! Are you also a mushroom?"

[browncow]

@ IMH

Record IV

A nurse saw a patient writing a letter. She got curious and went to take a

peek. But the patient didn't wanna let her see.

Nurse (unable to contain her curiosity): "Who are you writing to?"

Patient : "I'm writing a letter to myself..."

Her curiosity grew and she thought to herself (Why would someone write a

letter to himself?)

So she asked again: "So...what's written inside?"

Patient (got impatient): "You crazy ah? I haven't receive the letter, how

would I know??"

[browncow]

@ IMH

Record V

Two patients escape from the IMH. They climbed up a tree and one of them

fell from the tree and started rolling on the ground.

After a while, the patient rolling shouted to the top: "Hey! How come you

are not coming down yet?"

The patient ontop replied: "No..no...I can't...I'm not ripe yet"

[browncow]

@ IMH

Record VI

One patient visited the doctor: "Doc...how? I think I'm a chicken since I

was born..."

Doctor: "Woah! that's very serious...Why do you only come and seek

treatment now?"

Patient: "Because my family needs me to hatch the eggs..."

[worldangel]

Thanks for your contributions, BrownCow. Anymore pls! :thumb:

[worldangel]

Joke: Campers

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.

"I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says.

He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby.

"I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do: take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground."

The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony.

"What did the doctor say?" the victim asks.

"He says you're gonna die."

[worldangel]

Joke: Go fishing

A man says to his wife, "Get ready you, me & the dog are going fishing."

Wife says, "I dont want to go."

Man gives her 3 choices, fishing, blow job or take it up the a*se.

Wife pick blow job. After she sucking for a while she says, "It tastes like sh*t.

Man says, "I know, dog didnt want to go fishing either."

[worldangel]

Joke: T-G-I-F vs. S-H-I-T

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday -- duuhhh

[worldangel]

Joke: A Man Called Fred

A cop stops a car for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. So he asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket.

The officer then presses him for the last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it.

"Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story, so stay with me."

"I was born Fred Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself, studied hard, and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree, so I was Fred Dingaling, MD."

"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS."

"Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Dingaling, MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling, so now I am Just Fred."

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.

[worldangel]

Joke: Edward and the Cop

Edward walks out of a bar, stumbling back and forth with a key in his hand. A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.

"Can I help you, fella?", asks the cop.

"Yesssh, ssshombody stol my car!" Edward replies.

The cop asks, "Okay, where was your car the last time you saw it?".

"It was at the end of this key", Edward replies.

At this point the cop looks down to see that Edwards p*nis is hanging out of his trousers. The cop asks Edward , "Hey buddy, are you aware that you're exposing yourself?

Edward looks down sadly and moans, "OHHH GOD...they got Julie too!!! "

[worldangel]

Joke: At pearly gates

Jeff and Mike are in a car accident and both die.

Upon Jeff's arrival at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter.

"Where is my friend Mike?" Jeff asked.

St. Peter replies, "Well, Mike was not as fortunate as you. He went in the other direction instead of getting into Heaven."

Jeff was bothered by this and asked, "Well, could I see Mike one more time just to be sure he is OK?"

So, Jeff and St. Peter walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. There was Mike, on a sandy beach, with a gorgeous blonde in a bikini, and also with keg of beer.

"I don't mean to complain, but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down there in Hell," says Jeff.

"It's not as it appears to be," says St. Peter. "You see, the keg has a hole in it............. and the blonde doesn't."

[worldangel]

Joke: Tail Light on Bike

On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback was sitting at a traffic light. Next to him was a kid on his shiny new bike.

The cop said to the kid, "Nice bike you've got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid said, "Yeah."

The cop said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a taillight on that bike." The cop then proceeded to issue the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid took the ticket, but before he rode off he said, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

Humoring the kid, the cop said, "Yeah, he sure did."

The kid said, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

[worldangel]

Joke: Are you batman?

There was a guy in a bar one night that got drunk, I mean really, really, really drunk. When the bar closed, he got up to go home.

As he stumbled out the door, he saw a nun walking on the sidewalk.

So he stumbled over to the nun and punched her in the face. Well, the nun was totally surprised, but before she could do or say anything, he punched her again. This time she fell down and he stumbled over to her and kicked her in the butt. Then he picked her up and threw her into a wall.

By this time the nun was pretty weak and couldn't move very much. So then he leaned over her, put his face right next to hers and said;

"Not very f..kin' strong tonight, are you Batman?"

[worldangel]

Joke: A lady and parrot

A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said, "That's not good." and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" and the bird said, "You know."

[worldangel]

Joke: That’s why I am here

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Trucker

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down £500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bill and Joe

Billy and Joe were huge baseball fans.

One day, both Billy and Joe made a pact that if either of them were to die; they had to come back to the other in the form of a ghost to let the other know if baseball was played in heaven.

Sure enough, Billy dies and eventually comes to Joe one night in the form of a ghost.

A startled Joe realizes it is the ghost of his deceased friend and says "Billy, it is so good to see you...so tell me, is there baseball in Heaven?".

"Well", Billy says, "I have some good news and bad news for ya.

First the good news...YES, there is baseball in heaven!".

"Thank God!" Joe shouts...

"What is the bad news?!".

"You're pitching tomorrow."

[worldangel]

Joke: S*x

Husband and wife decide to make a password for s*x, they decide on 'washing machine'.

Later in bed that night husband says, "Washing machine."

Wife replies, "Not tonight darling I have a sore head."

Half an hour passes and she feels guilty so she says, "Washing machine."

Husband replies, "To late it was only a small load so I decided to do it by hand."

[worldangel]

Joke: When he’s drunk

A man and his wife were traveling down the highway when they saw the lights of a patrol car behind them.

When they pulled over, the patrol man came up to the window and said, "I am going to give you two tickets. One because you were speeding and one because you didn't have your seat belt fastened."

The man said, "I did too have my seat belt fastened. I just loosened it when you came up to the car.

The Patrol Man said to the man's wife, "I know he didn't have his seatbelt fastened. Isn't that right, lady?"

She replied, "Well, officer. I learned a long time ago not to argue with my husband when he's drunk."

[worldangel]

Joke: Woman and Baby

A woman and baby are in the doctors surgery, the doc is concerned about the babys weight, "Is he bottle fed or breast fed?

The woman replies, "Breast fed."

The doc gets her to strip down to her waist so he can examine her breasts.

He pinches her nipples and sucks and rubs both breasts for a while ... "No wonder the baby is underweight, you have no milk."

Woman replies, "I know, I'm his granny ... but I'm glad I came!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Hairy Problem

lady walks into her doctors office screaming.

She yells, "Doctor, Doctor my breasts are hairy! What do I do?"

The doctor asks, "Well, how long does the hair grow?"

The lady replies, "From here to my penis, but that's a different story!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Laughter the best medicine :: laugh a little more and clear your lungs

Condom says to Kotex, "When you work, I lose seven days of business."

Kotex replies, "If you fail to work once, my business stops for nine months

Wife: "I wish I were a newspaper, so you can hold me every morning!"

Husband: "I wish you're a newspaper TOO, my dear so I can have a NEW ONE every morning!

A lady visited her doctor one morning.

Doc said: "You look so weak and exhausted! Are you eating your meals 3 times a day as I advised?

Lady : "Doc, I thought you said 3 males a day!"

Phone rings and maid picks up the phone as her master is bathing.....

When the caller asked what he is doing, the maid replied: "MASTURBATING."(master bathing)

[worldangel]

Joke: Think Out Of The Box...

Many years ago, somewhere in a small village, a farmer had the misfortune Of owing a large sum of money to a village moneylender. The moneylender, who was old and ugly, fancied the farmer's beautiful daughter. So he proposed a bargain. He said he would forgo the farmer's debt if he could marry his daughter. Both the farmer and his daughter were horrified by the proposal.

So the cunning money-lender suggested that they let LUCK decide the matter.

He told them that he would put a black pebble and a white pebble into an empty money bag. Then the girl would Have to pick one pebble from the bag.

1) If she picked the black pebble, she would become his wife and her father's debt would be forgiven.

2) If she picked the white pebble she need not marry him and her father's debt would still be forgiven.

3) But if she refused to pick a pebble, her father would be thrown into Jail.

They were standing on a pebble strewn path in the farmer's field. As they talked, the moneylender bent over to pick up two pebbles. As he picked them up, the sharp-eyed girl noticed that he had picked up two black pebbles and put them into the bag. He then asked the girl to pick a pebble from the bag.

Now, imagine that you were standing in the field. What would you have done if you were the girl? If you had to advise her, what would you have told her?

Careful analysis would produce three possibilities:

1. The girl should refuse to take a pebble.(Her father will be thrown in jail.)

2. The girl should show that there were two black pebbles in the bag and expose the money-lender as a cheat.(But the money will still be owed.)

3. The girl should pick a black pebble and sacrifice herself in order To save her father from his debt and imprisonment.(Girl will have to marry the cruel lender.)

Take a moment to ponder over the story. The above story is used with the hope that it will make us appreciate the difference between lateral and logical thinking. Think of the consequences if she chooses the above logical answers..

What would you recommend to the Girl to do?

GIVE UP?

Well, here is what she did ....

Scroll down to find the answer.

The girl put her hand into the moneybag and drew out a pebble. Without looking at it, she fumbled and let it fall onto the pebble-strewn path Where it immediately became lost among all the other pebbles.

"Oh, how clumsy of me," she said. "But never mind, if you look into the Bag for the one that is left, you will be able to tell which pebble I picked."

Since the remaining pebble is black, it must be assumed that she had picked the white one. And since the money-lender dared not admit his dishonesty, the girl changed what seemed an impossible situation into an extremely advantageous one.

MORAL OF THE STORY: Most complex problems do have a solution. If only we Think Logically and Out of the Box...

Have A Inspirational Day

[worldangel]

Joke: Enjoy a good laugh after a day of stress at work!

1) Newly wed girl told mom her husband is still a virgin. Mom asked "How do you know?" Girl replied "Last night when we made love, his cock was still in plastic cover."

(2) Foreign Worker: "Sir, me no come to work, me sick." Boss: " When I am sick, I have sex with my wife - try it." 2 hours later Foreign Worker: "Boss! It worked! Me ok now. You got nice house."

(3) After sex, A girl kept fondling man's cock. Man asked: "Why? Want to have sex again?" A Girl replied: "No lah, just admiring your cock. I used to have one before."

(4) Women's lives are hard. Morning wash clothes. Noon hang clothes. Evening keep clothes. Nite iron clothes. Midnight take off clothes. After midnight find clothes.

(5) To make it straight she pulls it. To make it stand she rubs it. To make it stiff she licks it. To let it in she pushes it. True? Threading a needle is not easy.

(6) A Sad story. A woman's husband died & she had him cremated. She then blew his ashes into the ocean and said " Sweetheart, this is my last blowjob for you."

(7) Girl: "Mom what is a penis?" Mom: "When you become a good girl you will get one." Girl: "But mom what if I am not a good girl?" Mom: "Then you will get many!"

(8) A lawyer who was confused in his mathematics asked his secretary: "If I give you $3 million less 17.5%, how much would you take off?" Secretary: "Everything sir! Dress, Bra and Panties."

(9) Schoolgirl: "I do not want to take the sex Education class." Teacher: "Why?" Schoolgirl: "Someone told me that the final exam will be Oral."

(10) Two sperms talking on mobile. 1st: "I'm somewhere between the fallopian tube and uterus. Are you close by?" 2nd: "No boy, I am taking a different route. I am just crossing the tonsils."

(11) Scientists have discovered that the lightest thing in the world is a PENIS. This is because it can be lifted up even by a simple thought.

[clementi]

Joke: Liver And Cheese

Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female Poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, "The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me."

The sturdy, muscular black Lab speaks up quickly and says, "I love liver and cheese."

"Oh, how childish," said the Poodle. "That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever."

She turns to the tall, shiny Golden Retriever and says "How well can you do?"

"Um. I HATE liver and cheese," blurts the Golden Retriever.

"My, my," said the Poodle. "I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the Lab's sentence."

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, "How about you, little guy?"

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell Chihuahua.

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the Golden Retriever and the Lab and says....

Liver alone. Cheese mine.

[clementi]

Joke: The Salary Theory

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that "Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time

Since:

Knowledge = Power

Time = Money

Knowledge = Work/Money.

Solving for Money, we get:

Money = Work / Knowledge.

Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of work done.

Conclusion:

The less you know, the more you make.

[clementi]

Joke: Doctor! Doctor! Give Me The News!

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older gent suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to the new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty sneaky. I think I'll try that at the next house."

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with another woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."

As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just like you at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope. When I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."

[worldangel]

Joke: Polite Way To Pee

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:

Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?

Michael said, 'Just a minute I have to go pee.

The teacher responded by saying, 'That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Peter, how would you say it?

Peter said, 'I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back.

That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show Us your good manners?

I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner.

The teacher fainted.

[worldangel]

Joke: Flight from Los Angeles

A lawyer and a blonde woman are seated next toeach other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York. The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde just wants to take a nap so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa."

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now somewhat restless, says, "Okay, okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer, I'll pay you $500," figuring that since she is a blonde he will easily win the match. This catches the blonde's attention and figuring that there will be no end to his torment unless she plays, the blonde agrees to the game.

The lawyer starts by asking the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5 bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the plane's Skyphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he e-mails all his co-workers and friends. No success. After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns back to sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little sore, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

[worldangel]

Joke: Just Move In

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door on the first house of the street.

A tall lady answered the door.

Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet.

"Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this shit!", exclaimed the eager salesman.

"Do you need chilli sauce or catsup with that" asked the lady.

The salesman asked, "Why, madam?"

"We just moved in, there's no electricity in the house!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Post Mistress

Approaching the counter at a local post office, I said to the stern-faced woman on the other side, "Are you the Postmistress?"

"No!" she replied testily. "I'm the Postmaster. Uncle Sam doesn't pay me enough to be anyone's mistress."

[worldangel]

Joke: An Eccentric Philosophy Professor

An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Pay Phone

Bill was a frequent user of a pay telephone at a popular truck stop, and was greatly inconvenienced when the phone went out of commission.

Repeated requests for repair brought only promises.

After several days, Bill again contacted the phone company and told that there was no longer a rush.

The phone was now working fine... except that all money was being returned upon completion of each call.

A repairman arrived within the hour!

[worldangel]

Joke: Headstone

After his wife died, the uncle of one of my friends decided to plan ahead and order a grave-site marker for himself.

A week or so later, he came home to find a message on his answering machine.

It was from a young woman at the company where he'd placed his order.

"I don't know if it's good news or bad," she said, "but your headstone is ready."

[worldangel]

Joke: Newspaper Ads

The following ad appeared in a newspaper.

SBF Seeks Male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a svelte good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods. Riding in your pickup truck. Hunting Camping Fishing trips. Cozy winter nights spent lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call 555-XXXX and ask for Daisy.

(The phone number was the Humane Society and Daisy was an eight week old black Labrador Retriever.)

[clementi]

Joke: Curse

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!!"

They each continue on their way, and ..... as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road ..... and dies immediately.

If only men would listen.

[worldangel]

Joke: Body Language

Woman gets on a city bus. She looks at the driver and holds up one hand; the driver holds up two hands.

Next, the woman points up; the driver points down.

Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch.

Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.

A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all about.

The driver explained, "The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents.

Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown. Then, she asked if the bus was going pass the milk-farm,and I told her it was going pass the ball-park."

The passenger interjected, "Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she left the bus?"

The driver continued, she replied "Oh shit, I'm on the wrong bus!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Blood Test

A guy walks into a clinic to have his blood type taken. The nurse goes about taking the blood sample from his finger after finishing she looks around for a piece of cotton to wipe away the excess blood. she can't find it so she looks innocently at the guy and takes his finger and sucks it.

The guy is so pleased he asks; "Do you think i could have a urine test done?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Thumb Infection

A man goes into a restaurant and orders soup. When the waiter brings out the bowl he has his thumb stuck in the soup, but the customer decides to let it go.

"Would you like anything else?" the waiter inquires. "We have some very good roast beef today." "Sounds good," says the customer. So the waiter goes off and comes back with a plate of roast beef, and his thumb is in the gravy. The customer is getting pissed now, but decides to hold his tongue.

"How about some hot apple pie?" asks the waiter. "Fine," says the customer. The waiter returns with his thumb stuck in the pie. Now the customer is really getting furious.

"Coffee?" asks the waiter, and when the customer nods yes, he hurries off. He returns with his thumb stuck in the cup of coffee. By now the customer can no longer restrain himself.

"What the hell do you think you're doing? Every time you've come to the table you've had your thumb stuck in my food!" "I've got an infection and my doctor told me to keep my thumb in a hot, moist place." "Why don't you just stick it up your ass?" "Where do you think I put it when I'm in the kitchen?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Urine Test

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

[worldangel]

Joke: Operation

While my friend was working as a receptionist for an eye surgeon, a very angry woman stormed up to her desk. "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday," she complained.

The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. "I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing," he said. "Why do you think it was taken here?"

"After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly."

"I think" explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success."

[worldangel]

Joke: Dog or Wife

If your dog is barking at the back door

and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first ?

The Dog of course ....... at least it will shut up after you let him in!

[worldangel]

Joke: Making Love To...

How can you tell if you're making love to a teacher, a nurse or an airline stewardess?

A teacher says we got to do this over and over again til we get it right.

A nurse says hold still this won't hurt a bit.

And a airline stewardess says put this over your mouth and nose and breathe normally.

[worldangel]

Joke: Loving on the Lawn

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood.

Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house.

He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.

"This is a brothel", replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."

[worldangel]

Joke: What’s in a name?

One day little Tommy was walking with an older neighborhood kid named Billy Bob and he got curious.

“Billy Bob,” Tommy asked, “How come everyone calls you by your first name and your middle name instead of just Billy?”

“Well,” Billy Bob answered, “When I was little like you, I used to get in trouble a lot, and when I did my mom always called me by both names. I guess after a while, it just stuck.”

“Oh no!” Tommy cried. “I’d better straighten up then!”

“Why’s that?” Billy Bob asked.

“I don’t want to end up being called ‘you little sh#!’ for the rest of my life!”

[worldangel]

Joke: The duck hunter

A duck hunter was out in the marsh, enjoying the beautiful hunting weather when he felt the urge to relieve himself. So he walked over to the bushes and propped his gun against a tree. Suddenly, a strong gust of wind blew and knocked his gun over, discharging it and shooting him in the genitals.

Awaking several hours later in a hospital bed, our duck hunter is approached by his doctor. “Sir,” the doc begins “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is there’s no internal damage, and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”

“Wow, that’s great!” replied the hunter. “So what’s the bad news?”

“The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”

“Oh, well that’s not so bad I guess,” the hunter replied. “Is your sister a plastic surgeon?”

“Not exactly.” answered the doctor. “She’s a flute player in the local symphony, and she’s gonna to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t pee in your eye.”

[cock brand]

Children Stories - 1

Sunday school teacher : Where do boys and girls go when they do good things?

Girl in front row : Heaven.

Sunday school teacher : Good! Now, where do boys and girls go when they do bad things?

Boy in back row : Behind the church.

Children Stories - 2

Little Sally was watching her mum bathing her baby brother and noticed that theres something he has and she don't.

Little Sally : Mummy, can I have one like this too?

Mummy : Sure honey, be a good girl and when you grow up, you will surely get one.

Daddy : Oh yeah, be a bad girl and when you grow up, you surely will get plenty.

Children Stories - 3

Teacher wrote the word FEET on the blackboard and turned to the class.

Teacher : I have 2 and the cow has 4, what is it?

Boy in back row : Teats.

[worldangel]

Joke: Back in Bed

His aching back made it impossible for my friend’s husband to get a decent night’s rest on their lumpy mattress. “Until I feel better, I’m going to sleep on the couch,” he announced.

Ordinarily, a spouse moving out of the bedroom isn’t a good sign for the marriage. So his wife couldn’t resist: “Okay, but as soon as we have an argument you’re back in our bed.”