Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A Heavenly Welcome

A contractor dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. A brass band is playing, the angels are singing a beautiful hymn, there is a huge crowd cheering and shouting his name, and absolutely everyone wants to shake his hand. 

Just when he thinks things can't possibly get any better, Saint Peter himself runs over, apologizes for not greeting him personally at the Pearly Gates, shakes his hand, and says, "Congratulations son, we've been waiting a long time for you." 

Totally confused and a little embarrassed, the contractor sheepishly looks at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I tried to lead a God-fearing life, I loved my family, I tried to obey the 10 Commandments, but congratulations for what? I honestly don't remember doing anything really special when I was alive."

"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter, totally amazed at the man's modesty. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old! God himself wants to see you!" The contractor is awestruck and can only look at Saint Peter with his mouth wide open.

When he regains his power of speech, he looks up at Saint Peter and says "Saint Peter, I lived my life in the eternal hope that when I died I would be judged by God and be found to be worthy, but I only lived to be forty." 

"That's simply impossible son," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

[worldangel]

Joke: Climb The Pole

A group of guys were chatting with a good-looking blonde and, somewhat improbably, asked her to climb this pole that was conveniently nearby.
For whatever reason, she decided to do it.

When she told her mother what happened, her mother scolded her:

"Don't you understand that they only wanted to see your underwear?"

The girl was understandably upset at being very stupid and naive, and decided to show those boys a thing or two.

The next day, they repeated their request, and when she came home she was beaming.

"What are you so happy about?" asked her mother.

"I totally showed them. Today I didn't even WEAR underwear!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Texas

At the urging of his doctor, Bill moved to Texas.
After settling in, he met a neighbor who was also an older man.

“Say, is this really a healthy place?”

“It sure is,” the man replied.

“When I first arrived here I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed.”

“That's wonderful!” said Bill. “How long have you been here?”

“I was born here.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How cold?

Robert had invited his friend Sam for dinner. When Sam arrived, he was shivering from the cold.

The winter being treacherous, Sam commented, "It is really cold outside today."
Robert asked, "How cold is it?"

Sam replied, "It is colder than my mother-in-law's kiss!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Honest lawyer

Two lawyers were in a coffee shop talking. One of the lawyer’s names was Thomas Strange. After a while their conversation became rather morbid, and they started to talk about what they were going to have on their tomb stones.

Thomas said the he wasn't going to have his name put on his tomb stone, instead he was going have "Here lies the body of an honest lawyer!!!" "Why are you going to have that?" asked his friend.

"Well", said Thomas, "When people are walking through the cemetery, and they see...Here lies the body of an honest lawyer. They will say "Oh...That's Strange".

[worldangel]

Joke: Barfing

George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.

George's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."

George: "But Honey, I promise that I wont drink a drop of alcohol all night!"

So after begging his old lady for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze.

George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get shit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.

George: "Shit! The old lady is going to throw my ass out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"

Bill, George's best pal, gave drunk ass George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.

Bill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."

So, when drunk ass George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.

George’s wife: "I knew that your drunk ass would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"

George: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."

His wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.

George's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"

George: "Oh, That's from the guy who shit in my pants."

[worldangel]

Joke: Embarrassing Situations!

 

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the other end. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

 

To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" By now, the entire bar is staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.

 

She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200!"
 

Edited June 12, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Winding up the tough guy

I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I'd ever seen.

The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy's face, say, "I fucked your mother."

Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The old guy laughed in the tough guy's face, saying it again. "Hey, I fucked your mother."

Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, "No seriously, I fucked your mother."

At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling,

"That's it. We're going home, Dad. You're drunk."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Horse-back riding

A blonde goes horse-back riding.
It starts out slow, but then it starts to gallop.

The blonde is enjoying herself. All of a sudden she slips off and her foot gets caught in the reins.

The horse doesn't stop and the blonde is still being dragged upside down.

She doesn't know what to do. Finally the Wal-Mart manager comes and unplugs it.

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Nurses Tricks

Three nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.

The first nurse said, "I put cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear.

The second nurse said, "Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all his condoms.

The third nurse fainted.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Paint my house

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous and sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.
The young woman noticed his overly-attentive stare and walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.

The young woman replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman's hand.

He looked into her eyes and slowly, meaningfully said, "Paint my house."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My Partner's Hand

The hostess of her bridge club got a last minute call from one of the players that she was sick. Unable to get a replacement on such short notice, she drafted her husband, a mediocre player with an attitude. 

During the game, he got up and went to the bathroom, leaving the door ajar. Everyone listened as he urinated into the toilet. 

Embarrassed, his wife called out, "John, would you please close the door!" 

John's partner said, "Never mind, it's the first time since we started playing that I've known what the man has in his hand!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pukeing drunk

Two notorious drunks are sitting at the bar. One is crying. The other asks what's wrong.
"I've puked all over myself again and my wife is gonna kill me."

The other drunk says "do what I do pal. Explain to your wife that some other drunk puked on you. Put a ten spot in your shirt pocket and tell her that the drunk was sorry and gave you ten dollars to have your clothes cleaned."

"Sounds like a great idea" says drunk number 1.

When he gets home, sure enough his wife is fuming and begins yelling at him about his clothes and how disgusting he is. The drunk starts spinning the lie and says " look for yourself, there's ten bucks in my shirt pocket."

His wife looks in the pocket and finds twenty dollars.

"Wait a minute, I thought you said the guy gave you ten for puking on you," says the wife.

"He did," says the drunk.

"But he shit in my pants too."

[worldangel]

Joke: A Chick With Long Legs

A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the bartender asks for their order.
The man says, "I'll have a beer" and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have a beer too" says the ostrich.

The bartender pours the beer and says "That will be $3.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again, and the man says "I'll have a beer," and the ostrich says "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This became a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the bartender."Well, it's close to last call, so I'll have a large Scotch" says the man. "Same for me" says the ostrich. "That will be $7.20" says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can't hold back his curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found this old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever needed to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money will be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the bartender. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right! Whether it's a gallon of milk, or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.

"That's fantastic!" says the bartender. "You are a genius! ... Oh, one other thing sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man replies, "Oh, my second wish was for a chick with long legs."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Weather girl

"You never get anything right," scolded Mrs. Jacob, the science teacher. "What kind of job do you think you'll get when you leave school ?"

Suzie said, "Well, I want to be the weather girl on TV."

[worldangel]

Joke: Hospital Trolley

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body.

 

He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?" 

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."

 

Edited June 12, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Insurance...

Larry's barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company.

Susan told the insurance company, "We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute, Susan. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

There was a long pause before Susan replied, "Then I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

[worldangel]

Joke: No charge

Joey is arrested and the big policeman says to him, "I'm afraid you'll have to spend the night in the lock-up."

Joey says, "Do you mind telling me the charge officer."
The cop replies, "No charge to you. It's all part of the service."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Skinny Dippers

Ron, an elderly man, had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond at the back.
It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.
He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

Ron frowned, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked."

Holding the bucket up Ron said, "I'm here to feed the alligator."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Lunch with the lawyers...

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

[worldangel]

Joke: Animal Super Bowl

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: National Geographic

Ole and Lena are 69-ing when Ole says, "Lena, did you know there are 117,000 musk ox in Alaska?"
Lena says, "No, I didn't."

Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are 482,000 grizzly bears living in Alaska?"

Lena says, "No, I didn't. Gee, you're smart."

Ole says, "And Lena, did you know there are more than 2 million caribou living in Alaska?"

"No," says Lena, wondering how this conversation came about in the middle of their sex play.

"How did you get so smart?"

Ole says, "Remember last night when we ran out of toilet paper and had to use the pages out of magazines?"

"Yes, I remember," says Lena.

"Well, you still have page 63 of National Geographic stuck to your ass."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: At the construction job

There's this cathedral that's still being worked on, and the workers have rigged a "cage elevator" inside so they can get material up and down to the upper floors. A characteristic of these "cage elevators" is that the doors (gate) must be closed manually for them to be "called" to another floor.

One day one of the workers, Peter by name, takes the elevator to the top floor, and it is subsequently needed on the first floor by the sexton. Unfortunately, Peter forgot and left the door open. After the sexton rings for the elevator a couple times, to no avail, he yells up for the worker to send the lift back down.

 

Visitors to the cathedral were treated to this sight: The sexton of the cathedral, head tipped up, yelling up to the heavens:

"Peter! CLOSE THE GATES!!!"
 

Edited June 13, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a...

Bill, Jim, and Scott were at a convention together and were sharing a large suite on the top of a 75-story skyscraper. After a long day of meetings they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.

 

 Bill said to Jim and Scott, let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, and Jim can sing songs for 25 flights, and Scott can tell sad stories the rest of the way. At the 26th floor Bill stopped telling jokes and Jim began to sing.

 

At the 51st floor Jim stopped singing and Scott began to tell sad stories. "I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car!"

 

Edited June 13, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The pharmacist

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9, or 12 and asks which the young man wants.

"Well," he said, "I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's "the night." We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out after that. And I have a feeling that I'm going to get lucky, so you better give me the 12 pack. The young man makes his purchase and leaves.

Later that evening, he sits down to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying for several minutes. The girl leans over and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person."

He leans over to her and whispers, "You never told me that your father was a pharmacist."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Smart reply

John seemed to be upset, so his colleague Aaron asked what was bugging him.
John replied, "It's about my mother-in-law."
Aaron asked, "What is the problem?"

John said, "My wife has asked me to buy a present for my mother-in-law's birthday. Come on, it's her mother after all, why can't she buy it? Why does she always have to pass on the responsibility to me?"

"What did you buy her last year?" Aaron asked.
John said, "Last year I bought her a very costly cemetery plot."
"Ohh....hard to top that one," said Aaron.
John thought and thought but could not come up with anything. So, nothing was bought for his mother-in-law's birthday.

When the big day arrived, she was a little upset. At the family gathering for her birthday, she announced out loud to everyone, "Thank you all for coming and for the wonderful gifts. It's a shame my daughter and son-in-law weren't so thoughtful!"
John, retorted, "Well, the gift we gave you last year is still unused!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Infrequently


An elderly couple who are both widowed have been courting for a long time.

They decide it's finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they go out to dinner and talk about how their marriage might work.

They discuss finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the man broaches the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asks, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," replies the old lady.

The old gentleman sits quietly for a moment, adjusts his glasses, leans over towards her and whispers: "Is that one word or two?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Infrequently

An elderly couple who are both widowed have been courting for a long time.

They decide it's finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they go out to dinner and talk about how their marriage might work.

They discuss finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the man broaches the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asks, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," replies the old lady.

The old gentleman sits quietly for a moment, adjusts his glasses, leans over towards her and whispers: "Is that one word or two?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Douche

Have you heard about the new types of douche on the market?
There is aloe vera scented, peach flavor, and chicken flavor.

The aloe vera is to tighten it up for the penis.

The peach is sweeter for the eater.

And the chicken is finger lickin' good.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Race…

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two men from the gas company running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dead Goldfish

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. 
Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" 

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him." 
The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" 

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your stupid cat."

[worldangel]

Joke: Perfume brands

Tina, who is in her teens, goes shopping in a mall in Dubai.
As she approaches the perfume counter, the salesgirl shows her several brands like "My Sin", "Bliss", "Desire", and "Ecstasy".

Tina says to the salesgirl, "Hey, all I want is to smell nice, I am not looking to get emotionally involved."

[worldangel]

Joke: Ring the bell

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."
She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"

"I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: List of Priorities

I don’t have any curtains in my apartment. I tried to buy curtains; I went to the store, I was like, I would like these curtains, please.

 

And they were like, $40. And I was like, Nope. Found out right then just how low on my list of priorities curtains were. It turns out I’d rather get drunk once than ever have curtains for the rest of my life.

Edited June 14, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Twenty five years of hard work

Harry, a criminal who got a sentence of 25 years in prison was finding it impossible to pass time in the confinement of his cell.

So he started training a Queen ant to perform some tricks. Weeks turned into months and months into years - but Harry continued to work on the ant day and night, for thousands of hours. It took 5 years for him to teach the ant to ride a one-wheel bike, another 5 to perform acrobatics, 5 more to sing songs from the "Sound of Music", and a couple of more years to dance like Michael Jackson.

"The day we get out of here," Harry said to the Queen ant, "we're going to explore the night-spots and make millions."

Finally the day arrived when Harry was released. A free man, Harry started out for the city with his friend, the Queen ant, safely placed inside a match box.

He went to a local bar to celebrate and to show off the talents of his trainee. Once seated at the bar, he placed the match box on the bar counter and out came the Queen ant. On prompting, it started break dancing.
"See this ant, eh?" he pointed out to the bartender.

In one swift motion, the bartender reached for a magazine, rolled it up and squished the Queen ant with a mighty swipe.
"Glad you saw it," muttered the bartender. "Blasted things are everywhere."

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde Car Accident

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Toilet Seat

A man decides to take the opportunity while his wife is away to paint the wooden toilet seat. 
The wife comes home sooner than expected, sits, and gets the seat stuck to her rear. She is understandably distraught about this and asks her husband to drive her to the doctor. 
She puts on a large overcoat so as to cover the stuck seat, and they go. 

When they get to the doctor's, the man lifts his wife's coat to show their predicament. The man asks, "Doctor, have you ever seen anything like this before?" 

"Well, yes," the doctor replies, "but never framed."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Got gas?

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see. Here's a prescription. Take these pills 3 times a day for seven days and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts ... although still silent... stink terribly."

The doctor says, "Good! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's start working on your hearing."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: That's Fair, Your Honor

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week." 

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The Blonde from First Class 

On a flight to New York the flight attendant said to a lady sitting in first class, "Ma´am, I'm afraid you'll have to sit in the back since you have a coach ticket." The lady responded, "Listen, I'm a beautiful blonde, I'm going to NY, and I'm sitting in first class." 

The two argued for a while but finally the flight attendant went and got the first officer - who came and said, "Ma´am, I'm afraid you'll have to move into the coach section since you have a coach ticket". To which she replied, "Listen, sir, I'm a beautiful blonde, I'm going to NY, and I'm sitting in first class." 

After they argued for a while the first officer gave up and went to get the Captain who said, "I'll handle this. I'm married to a beautiful blonde." So - the Captain went right up to her, whispered in her ear, after which she got right up and moved into the coach section. 

Both the flight attendant and first officer were shocked and asked the Captain - "I don't get it sir. What did you say to make her move back to coach." To which the Captain said, "Oh that was easy, I just told her first class wasn't going to NY!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: We Get A Choice?

A man and a widow go to City hall to get a marriage license. While they are there, the clerk asks the woman if her previous marriage ended in death or divorce. 

“I didn’t know I had a choice,” she replies.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You Must Think I'm Dumb

A policeman was escorting a prisoner to jail when his hat blew off. “Shall I run and get it for you?” asked the prisoner obligingly. 

“You must think I’m dumb,” said the officer. “You stand here and I’ll get it

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Be Quiet, They're Getting Closer

A farmer has a rooster that goes around screwing all the animals in the barnyard. The rooster keeps this up for quite a while before the farmer finally pulls him aside and warns him. “Look,” the farmer says:”You had better take it a little easier or you’re liable to screw yourself to death.” The rooster just laughs at the farmer and goes out and has all the chickens in the chicken coop. He then goes through all the cows, then the pigs, and so on, until he has been with all the animals on the farm. He keeps this up every day for weeks. 

Then one day the farmer doesn’t see the rooster around the barnyard, so he goes looking for him. Out above one of his fields, the farmer sees some vultures circling around and around. The farmer runs out and sees the rooster lying spread-eagle on the ground. “I knew it!” says the farmer. “I knew this would happen to you! Oh, why didn’t you listen to me when I warned you?” 

The rooster opens one eye, point upward, and says, “Shhh. They are getting lower.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My Wife's In Labor

A guy calls 911. “Help, send an ambulance! My wife is in labor and her water broke! 

The 911 operator asks, “Is this her first child?” 

“No, you moron” yells the guy. “This is her husband!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Taking An Umbrella to a Gun Fight

A 90-year-old man was having his annual check-up. The doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better," the old man replied. "I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant & delivered a child. What is your opinion about that, Doc?" the old man asked. 

The doctor thought for a moment, then said, "Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who is a hunter. He never misses a season for hunting. But, one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he's walking in the woods near a creek, and suddenly he spots a lion in some brush in front of him. He raises his umbrella, points it at the lion and squeezes the handle. BAM! The lion drops dead in front of him." 

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief. ”Someone else must have shot that lion”. 

"Exactly," said the Doctor.

[worldangel]

Joke: Jacks Are Wild

Reminiscing with her girlfriend about their childhood, the young woman asked, “Did you ever play with jacks?” 

“Oh, yes,” her friend replied. “And with Johnny’s and Tommy’s, too."

 

[worldangel]

 

 

Joke: Doomed by the Ice Cream Truck

A woman hears that her 98-year-old grandfather has died, and journeys to see her grandmother. After the funeral, she asks, "How did it happen, Granny?" 

"Well, dear, it happened while we were making love one Sunday morning." 

"My goodness, Granny, two people almost 100 years old shouldn't be having sex!" the granddaughter exclaims. 

Her grandmother replies, "Well, dear, it's really a matter of patience and timing. You see, we pace ourselves to the sound of the church bells down the street. In with the ding, out with the dong...and we were doing fine until that damned ice cream truck came by!"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A note from mom...

John, a well-to-do bachelor, invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the meal, Mom couldn't help notice how attractive and shapely the house keeper was, and wondered if there was more going on than meets the eye. John sensing what his mother was thinking said to her "I know what you're thinking, Mom, but I assure you my relationship with the house keeper is purely professional."

A week later, the house keeper told John that ever since his mother's visit a silver gravy ladle has been missing. John sent his mother a note which said, "Mom, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact remains one has been missing since you were here".

A few days later he receives a note from his mother. "John: I'm not saying you sleep with your house keeper, nor am I saying you're not. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom".

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Am I the First?

 "Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."

"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

[worldangel]

Joke: Is That for Sale?

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. 

Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?" 

"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously. 

Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising."