Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: The Third Leg Conundrum

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He Walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. 

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." 

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?" 

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped 'it' to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show". 

"Sensible" says Jeff. 

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw." 

"And what happened then?" asked Jeff. 

"I kicked her in the face."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How Would You Like Them?

A lady who lived in a small town in the northern woods had two pet monkeys she was very fond of. One of them took sick and died. A couple of days later the other one died of a broken heart. 

Wishing to keep them, the kindly lady took them to the taxidermist. The man asked her if she would like them mounted. 

“Oh, no,” she replied, “Just have them holding hands.” 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: It's For My Schnauzer

A woman noticed that her dog could hardly hear, so she took him to the vet. The vet found that the problem was hair in its ears. After cleaning both ears and making sure the dog could hear the vet suggested buying some ‘Nair’ hair remover and rubbing it in the dog’s ears every three months. 

On the way home she stops at the pharmacy to buy Nair. At the register, the pharmacist says, “If you’re going to use this under your arms, don’t use deodorant for a few days. 

The woman says, “I’m not using it under my arms." 

Again the pharmacist says, “If you’re using it on your legs, don’t shave for a couple of days." 

The woman is getting a little disturbed by the warnings and says, "I’m not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I’m using it on my Schnauzer." 

The helpful pharmacist says, "In that case, stay off your bicycle for a week."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Best excuse

My colleague Jordan is overweight and all of us in the office have been pushing him since a very long time to shed his excess weight. So one day, Jordan decided to start dieting and he took his new resolution seriously. He even changed his driving route to avoid his favorite bakery.
One morning, however, he arrived at work with a box of doughnuts from the Peter Pan Bakery. Everybody scolded him, even the boss reprimanded him but Jordan was ready with his justification.

"These are very special doughnuts," declared Jordan. "I accidentally drove by the Peter Pan bakery this morning and could see a lot of goodies in the window. I thought this was no coincidence, there was certainly some divine intervention, so I prayed, 'Oh my Goodness, if you want me to have one of those yummy doughnuts, let me have a parking place right in front of the bakery.' And sure enough," he continued, "the seventh time 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Number Jokes


A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, "Number twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "Number four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.

The new guy asks his cellmate what's going on. "Well," says the older prisoner, "we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke."

So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, "Number twenty-nine!" This time the whole cell block rocks with the loudest laughter, prisoners rolling on the floor laughing hysterically.

When the guffaws die down, the bewildered new guy turns to the older prisoner and asks, "How come you guys were laughing so hard this time?"

"Oh," says the older man wiping tears from his eyes, "we'd never heard that one before."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Watching the game

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.
When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

'What are you doing?' he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

She asked, 'What are you doing?'

He replied, 'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Is That for Sale?

A well-stacked young advertising secretary wore tight knit dresses that showed off her figure, especially when she walked. 

Her young, aggressive boss motioned her into his office one afternoon and closed the door. Pointing to her tightly covered derriere, he asked, "Is that for sale?" 

"Of course not!" she snapped angrily, blushing furiously. 

Unchanged, he replied quietly, "Then, I suggest you quit advertising."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Docs go to Heaven

Three doctors died and went to the Pearly Gates to be interviewed to see where they would end up.
St. Peter asked the first one what he did on earth, and he said he was an obstetrician.

St. Peter asked what an obstetrician did and the doc told him. "Sounds pretty good, okay you can go in to Heaven."

The second doc said he was a pediatrician and had to explain what that involved.

St. Peter said, "Sounds very useful, very good, you can go in too."

The third doc said he was the chief man in charge of a whole HMO conglomerate.

"Well, what's that?" asked St. Peter.

So the doc told him exactly what that involved.

"Sounds very important, very useful. You can go in too."

So the third doc goes in the Gates and starts to walk up the stairs.

St. Peter turns and calls after him, "Oh, by the way, you can only stay three days."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You Need Tacks Too?!?!

Pharmacist: May I help you sir?

Client: Yes… I, uh... well, this is sort of embarrassing, but I’m going out on a date tonight, and you know, I need some…

Pharmacist: You need some protection.

Client: Right.

Pharmacist: Small, medium, or large?

Client: Uhhh. Medium, I guess.

Pharmacist: Okay, that’ll be $2.35 including tax.

Client: Tacks!! I thought they stayed on by themselves!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Tattoos as Cover-up

Jeff Dunham: Did you get the tattoo?
Walter: Hell no.

Jeff Dunham: Well if you had, what would you have gotten?
Walter: I would have gotten a beautiful woman’s face.

Jeff Dunham: Ah, and where would you have put it?
Walter: On my wife’s face.

[worldangel]

Joke: Italian Food

I know a lot of people won’t eat Italian food at a restaurant. They always say the same thing, I’m not going to spend $10 for a dollar’s worth of pasta.

 

Plus no one makes Italian food like my grandmother. Well you do spend a little extra for Italian food at a restaurant but for that extra $9 you get a heaping side order of not hanging out with your grandmother.
 

Edited June 17, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The violent intruder

 

John and his wife were sleeping when they heard some sounds coming from downstairs. They called 911 and reported that someone had probably broken into their house.

But before the cops could arrive, a nasty serial killer entered their bedroom. The intruder put a knife to the neck of John's wife and growled, "I always ask my victims their names before I murder them - so tell me your name?"

"Rosemary," the woman sobbed. The criminal said, "You remind me of my sister whose name was the same as yours, so I shall spare your life."

The criminal then turned to John and demanded his name.
Sweating profusely, he replied, "John.......but my friends call me Rosemary!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A wife got so mad at her husband...

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

 

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

 

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

 

Edited June 17, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Top secret....

You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super- secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The next day, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Having arrived at the edge of ...

Having arrived at the edge of the river, the fisherman soon realized he had forgotten to bring any bait. Just then he happened to see a little snake passing by who had caught a worm.

The fisherman snatched up the snake and robbed him of his worm. Feeling sorry for the little snake with no lunch, he snatched him up again and poured a little beer down his throat. Then he went about his fishing.

An hour or so later the fisherman felt a tug at his pant leg. Looking down, he saw the same snake with three more worms in his mouth...
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Christmas gift...

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas.

A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles."

"She did," he replied. "But where in the world was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Check Up

So I went to the doctor last week for a check up, and the doctor was like "you have GOT to stop masturbating!" and I was like "oh no Doc! Why?!?"

And he said "because I'm trying to examine you!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Gift for Who?

A couple of months ago, I gave my girlfriend some fancy lingerie, and she actually got mad at me.

 

She said, Anthony, I think this is more of a gift for you than it is for me. And I said, If you want to get technical, it was originally a gift for my last girlfriend.

 

Edited June 17, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: School Daze

It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said.

The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher.

The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement.

 

The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!"

 

 

 

 

Edited June 17, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Mix Up at the Hospital

This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.

All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.

Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"

"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Emily was complaining to...

Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt.

Her mother replied, “That’s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."

The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch.

He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Box

One day long ago, a man and woman got married. The man told the woman that there would always be a box under the bed but to never look into it. So they were married for 40 years and the woman never looked in the box. On the morning of their 40th anniversary, the wife looked in the box. In the box, there was about 300 dollars in small bills, and 3 empty beer bottles.

 

At dinner that evening, the woman just had to ask. So she did, she asked "what are those beer bottles for, you know, in the box under the bed?" The man said, oh no, you looked. OK, Every time I've been unfaithful to you, I chugged a beer and put it in the box. 

The wife says, well for forty years, that's not so bad. At night, the woman was having a bad night, she could not get to sleep, something was bugging her. Then she remembered. She shook awake her husband and asked, what was the money for, though. The guy says, what? The lady says, you know, the money in the box.

The guy says, well, every time the box filled up, I took it in and got money for the bottles.
 

Edited June 18, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Moving Testimony

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." 

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

[worldangel]

Joke: Parting with Name

 

A beautiful girl called Rita was driving around in her yellow sports car when she noticed in the rear-view mirror that a policeman on motorcycle was following her.

The policeman finally pulled her over, and holding a ticket ready, said to her, "Ma'am, do you realize you have crossed the speed limit. Give me your name please."

Rita, not the brightest of women, replied in an irritated tone, "That's just great......and what am I going to be called then?"

 

Edited June 18, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Ski Buddies

Three guys go on a skiing holiday together and to save money they rented only one room. After a full day on the slopes, they return to their room, exhausted and cold. 

To keep warm, they all sleep in the same bed. The next morning, the guy on one side of the bed says he had a funny dream that some one was jerking him off. The guy on the other side of the bed said that he had the same dream!

The the guy in the middle said, "I had a dream last night, too. But I only dreamt that I was skiing."

[worldangel]

Joke: One day an employee came in to...

One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.  When his boss asked him what happened, he explained: 

"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!" 

"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?" "They called back!" 

[worldangel]

Joke: A young man at this construction site ...

A young man at this construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone based on his strength. He especially made fun of one of the older workman. After several minutes, the older worker had enough. 

"Why don't you put your money where you mouth is?" he said. "I'll bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to the other building that you won't be able to wheel back." 

"You're on, old man," the young man replied. "Let's see what you've got." 
The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then nodding to the young man, he said with a smile, "All right. Get in."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Off target

Jeremy, who joined the army, was considered slow by all his army colleagues. When he was taken to the indoor firing range for training, his trainer gave him some instructions, handed him a rifle and some bullets.

Jeremy fired several shots at the target and when the report arrived, it revealed that he had missed the target completely in all the attempts.

Jeremy looked at his rifle and then at the target. He looked again at the rifle, and then at the target. He put his finger over the end of the gun barrel and pressed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, and he shouted toward the target area: "It's starting from here just fine. The problem seems to be at your end!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A head-on collision occurred between...

A head-on collision occurred between a man and a woman. Both emerged from the scene intact while their cars were totally demolished.

 

The woman said, "This is quite a predicament. We should drink a toast to celebrate this miracle." The man replied, "What a great idea; I just happen to have a bottle with me." With this he handed it to the man. The man downed half the bottle and handed it back.

 

The woman would not take it back and said, "I think I will wait until after the police arrive to celebrate."
 

Edited June 18, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: If a Bear Attacks

Does anybody here know what to do if a bear attacks?

 

A lot of people do think you’re supposed to play dead, which is not what you’re supposed to do.

 

And the best thing about playing dead is – that’s like a rumor that bears spread.

 

Edited June 18, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: 100 pound pig

Mike Mooney A Yankee was driving through the south when he decided he wanted to buy a pig. He stopped at a pig farm and told the farmer he wanted to buy a 100 pound pig.
The farmer nodded, walked out into the sty, bent over and picked up a pig by its tail with his teeth. The farmer said, "This one will go a little over a 100".

Astonished the Yankee said, "Who are you trying to fool? You can't weigh a pig that way".

The farmer laughed and called to his young son, "Boy, come over here and weigh that pig for this man".

The boy obliged by bending over and picking up the pig by its tail with his teeth. Turning to his father the boy said, " This here pig weighs about 100 pounds".

The Yankee was having no part of this so in order to convince him the farmer told his son to go to the house and get his mother so she could weigh the pig. After a short delay the son returned and said, "Ma says she will be right down after she's finished weighing the mailman".

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Dying wish

Patrick and Sean, two men, grew up together and were lifelong friends. But Patrick developed cancer and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy: "Sean, come 'ere. I've a request for ye."

Sean walked to his friend's bedside and kneeled beside him.

"Seany, ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I've one last request fir ye to do."

Sean burst into tears: "Anything, Patrick. Anything ye wish."

"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of the land. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones, and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."

[worldangel]

Joke: The drunk

There was a man who would come home blind drunk every night and vomit in the bathroom sink, and every night the man's wife would warn him that someday he would puke up his guts.

One day the wife cut up a chicken and left the guts in the sink, just to give him a scare. At about 3:00 a.m. the man came home and spewed in the same sink as always. About 30 minutes later, the man came out of the bathroom and said to his wife, ''You were right honey, I really did puke up my guts, but don't worry, with the help of this long wooden spoon, I managed to put them all back."

 

Edited June 19, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Petroleum Jelly

One day while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife. 

"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?" 

 

"Yes. My husband and I use it during sex," she answers. 

The researcher is taken aback. "Um, er, I admire you for your honesty," he continues. "Can you tell me exactly how you use it?" 

"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."

 

Edited June 19, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Best room in the hotel?

The drunk staggered up to the hotel reception and demanded his room be changed.

"But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel."

"I insist on another room!!" said the drunk.

"Very good, sir. I`ll change you from 502 to 555. Would you mind telling me why you don't like 502?" asked the clerk.

"Well, for one thing," said the drunk, "it's on fire.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A note from mom...

John, a well-to-do bachelor, invited his mother over for dinner one night. During the meal, Mom couldn't help notice how attractive and shapely the house keeper was, and wondered if there was more going on than meets the eye. John sensing what his mother was thinking said to her "I know what you're thinking, Mom, but I assure you my relationship with the house keeper is purely professional."

A week later, the house keeper told John that ever since his mother's visit a silver gravy ladle has been missing. John sent his mother a note which said, "Mom, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact remains one has been missing since you were here".

A few days later he receives a note from his mother. "John: I'm not saying you sleep with your house keeper, nor am I saying you're not. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom".

[worldangel]

Joke: Switching channels

An old married couple was at home watching TV.

The husband had the remote and was switching back and forth between a fishing channel and the porn channel.

The wife became more and more annoyed and finally said:

"For god's sake! Leave it on the porn channel. You already know how to fish!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy was in a cave, looking for ...

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out.

 

The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion."

 

The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars."

 

The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

 

Edited June 19, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Excuses!

A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse.
After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours.

Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck.

He panicked, wondering what he was going to tell his wife.

After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal.

Holding his neck with one hand, he said, "Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!"

"Hell, that's nothing" she answered, ripping open her blouse. "Look what he did to my tits!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A student comes to a young pro...

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam," she says.

 

She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, and gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything..." He returns her gaze, "Anything?"

 

"Anything." His voice softens, "Anything?" "Anything," she repeats again.

 His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you ... study?"

 

Edited June 19, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Until the last moment

Minister Reeves was waiting in line at the gas station to have his car filled. There were several cars ahead of him and though the attendant hurried with his job, it took quite some time before it was minister's turn to get his car refueled.

The attendant, while motioning him toward a vacant pump, said, "Reverend, sorry for the delay. It seems as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip." 
Minister Reeves laughed, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my business."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Bad Couch Trip

I've been feeling down for so long that I finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.

I went there, laid on the couch, spilled my guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make me feel better.

The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.

Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said, "Ummmmm, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Cute kids...predicting the future

Amy: Can people predict the future with cards?

Joan: My mother can.

Amy: Really?

Joan: Yes, she takes one look at my report card and tells me what will happen when my father gets home.

[worldangel]

Joke: Pepsi Genie

It was a black man.....a hungry, thirsty bum. He was looking for food in a garbage can, when suddenly he finds a can of Pepsi. He opens the can and a magic genie comes out.
"You get three wishes, be very careful and don't spoil them."

"OK, OK," and without hesitation he says, "first I want to be white. Second, I want a lot of girls, naked girls, beautiful girls sitting on my face! And third, I want plenty to drink.... lots of water.

Bam, presto...the Magic Genie turned him into.....a toilet!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A widower who never paid any attention ...

A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.

 

The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife. "Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?" "Yes, my husband." "Are you happy?" "Yes, my husband." "Happier than you were with me?" "Yes, my husband."

 

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!" "I'm not in Heaven, dear."

 

Edited June 19, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The pizza delivery boy

Danny, a college student, also worked as a part-time pizza delivery boy.

One day he arrived at Mr. Thompson's residence to deliver pizza.
After taking the pizza, Mr. Thompson asked Danny, "How much tip do you get normally?"

"Well," replied Danny, "this is my first trip to your place, but the other boys say if I can manage to get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing just fine."
"Is that so?" said an offended Mr. Thompson, "Well, just to prove them wrong, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied Danny, "I'll put this in my college fund."
"What are you studying in college?" asked Mr. Thompson.
Danny gave a quick smile and said, "Applied psychology."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A distraught older woman is looking...

A distraught older woman is looking at herself in the mirror and crying. Her voice shakes as she says to her husband, "I'm so old. I'm so fat. I look horrible. I really need a compliment."

Her husband, determined to quickly give his beloved the comfort she needs, exclaims, "Damn, do you have good eyesight!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Public pool...

Little Johnny is approached by the lifeguard at the public swimming pool.

"You're not allowed to pee in the pool," said the lifeguard. "I'm going to report you."

"But everyone pees in the pool," said Little Johnny.

"Maybe," said the lifeguard, "but not from the diving board!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Texan With A New Car


Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse. "I know that smart aleck Tex," said the first. "He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back." 

"Not Tex," the second cowboy replied. "He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello." 

"I know Tex better than either of you," said the third. "He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now." Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted, "Audi, partners!" 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Computer Movers

Dick and Dirk are employed in a computer hardware store as movers.
One day both of them are asked to move some computers. Dick being energetic that day doesn't feel the computer to be heavy at all. At the same time he sees that Dirk is struggling very hard to lift his computer.

At this Dick says, "What Dirk, my comp has 500 MB HardDisk and yours has just 250, even then you cannot lift it ???"

At this Dirk thinks for a while and replies, "That’s right, but my HardDisk is full and yours is empty"