Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 

Joke: This guy was with a hooker for...

This guy was with a hooker for the first time. She took him into her room and asked him what would be his pleasure. Being naive, he asked, "Do you have any suggestions?"

She said, "Would you like French style, Straight, Around the World, or maybe 69?"

He replies, "I'll try one of those 69's."

As they were engaged in a 69, the hooker let out a loud and smelly fart. "Ooohh! Excuse me," she said with a giggle. They proceeded and a few minutes later, she let another stinky, loud fart fly. "Ohhh," she said as she giggled and said, "how do you like it so far?"

He replies, "Well, it feels pretty good, but I'm not sure I can take 67 more!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A mechanic was removing a cylinder...

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the engine of a Harley Davidson motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

 

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take the valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic... "Try doing it with the engine running"

 

Edited June 19, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Horse Race

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine." 

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. 

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump. 

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third. 
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this horse. What is he - deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A wife was making a breakfast ...

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. 

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! 

Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' 
The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' 

The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Guilt...

A son calls his mother. Mom how are you. Mom replies. Not too good. I haven't eaten in 38 days.

Replying with concern, the son asks "what's the matter mom, are you not feeling well, have you been to the doctor?"

Mom replies, not that, "I didn't want to have my mouth full of food when you called."

[worldangel]

Joke: Dressing Up Like a Referee

I like to dress up as a referee and walk into a Foot Locker.

 

You gotta try this. It freaks them out. They get all insecure.

 

The guys like, Wait a second, can I help you? I was like, Can I help you, man? I, too, am a referee.

 

Maybe we could work it out together. And then someone will ask me for a size 10, and Ill be like, Do I look like I work here, chief?

 

 

 

 

Edited June 20, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: The Skin Graft

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered to donate some of her own skin. 

However, the only skin on her body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her buttocks. 
The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. 

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives just went on and on about his youthful beauty! 
One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?" 

"My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheeks.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Free sex

There was this gas station in "redneck country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex.

The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex".

The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A kindergarten teacher handed ...

A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.

 

The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green, however, Bobby, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire truck red. After seeing this, the teacher asked him: "Bobby, how many times have you see a red duck?"

 

Young Bobby replied with "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."

 

Edited June 20, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Go to school!

Mom was trying to get her son to get out of bed and get ready for school. "I am not going to school!" the son responded defiantly.

"Why not?" Mom wanted to know.

"Well, first of all I hate school and second of all ..the kid all hate me!!" was the answer.

"Son, that's not good reasons..you will have to get up and ready for school!" Mom replied.

"Well, give me two good reasons why I should," the son said.

"Well," Mom said quietly, "First of all you are 52 years old and second of all...You are the Principal."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Elevator jobs

Bubba, an electrical technician, was out of work.

His friend suggested he take up some elevator jobs in new constructions close by.

Bubba said, "Nope, I don't do elevator jobs."

"Why??" the friend asked.

Bubba replied, "I don't know the route."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mixed-Up Terms

A father was concerned that his daughter hadn't revealed her heart condition to his future son-in-law.

 

The first chance he had for a private chat, he asked his son-in-law to be, "Michael, are you aware of my daughter's acute angina?"

"Sure," Mike responded, "and her breasts ain't bad either!"

 

 

 

Edited June 20, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Panicked father...

After the baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.

"Doctor," he said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "We're pure Asian."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice a month."

"There you have it!" the doctor said confidently. "It's just rust."

[worldangel]

Joke: It's All In the Name

A little boy asked his father, the big chief and witch doctor of the tribe, "Papa, why is it that we always have long names, while the white men have shorter names - Bill, Tex or Sam, for example?" 

His father replied, "Look, son, our names represent a symbol, a sign, or a poem for our culture not like the white men, who live all together and repeat their names from generation to generation. Also, it is part of our makeup that in spite of everything, we survive.

For example, your sister's name is Small Romantic Moon Over The Lake, because on the night she was born, there was a beautiful moon reflected in the lake. Then there's your brother, Big White Horse of the Prairies, because he was born on a day that the big white horse who gallops over the prairies of the world appeared near our camp and is a symbol of our capacity to live and the life force of our people.

It's very simple and easy to understand. Do you have any other questions, Little Broken Condom Made in ?????"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Am I the First?

Old Mrs. Jones comes home after her doctor’s appointment. “I got a clean bill of health,” she tells Old Mr. Jones. “The doctor says I have the legs of an eighteen-year-old.”

“Whoop-dee-doo,” her husband says, sarcastically. “What did he say bout your seventy-five-year-old ass?” 

“Actually, he didn’t mention you at all.”

[worldangel]

(the 18,000th post)

 

Joke: We Didn't Talk About You

A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?" The witness replied, "Yes, sir." 

The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?"
The witness, "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches." 

The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?" 

"Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some annoying lawyer would ask me that question."

 

Edited June 21, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Your Mother's Husband

They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?"

The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with, "Your father is fishing in Michigan." The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years."

"No," replied the super computer immediately. "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A man and an ostrich walk into...

A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"
The man replied "a burger and a coke." "And you?" "I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay. "That will be $4.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount. They do this every day till Fri. 

"The usual?" she asked. "No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."
"Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $10.95"
The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"

"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared." Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"

"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket." "Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?" "Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: All I want is a beer

One Friday night, a 17-year-old boy went into a bar and sat down at a table in the corner of the pool room. When the waitress walked over to his table, the teenager said: "Gimme a beer."

The waitress eyed him for a moment and said: "Look, sonny. Do you want to get me in trouble?"

The boy glanced back at her and replied: "Maybe later. Right now all I want is a beer."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Two men were hunting deer when...

Two men were hunting deer when a large bear rears up and begins to charge them.

The one man puts his running shoes on and begins to run with the other man.

The second man asks why he put them on because it won’t help him out run the bear.

He said "I don't need to out run the bear I need to out run you."

[worldangel]

 

 

Joke: Two Dwarfs in a Bar

Two dwarfs are sitting in a bar talking about women and beer when a couple of prostitutes tide up to them.
"Like any business tonight?"

They ask, making sure their ample clevages are showing.

"Ay! Alright" Of course obviously they are Scottish...

"Just so happens we have two rooms in the hotel across road" The first dwarf, 'Malcolm' says.

They cross the road and go up to their hotel rooms which are situated next to each other. Dwarf number 2 'Jimmy' as he likes to be called sits on the bed with his partner for the night.

"Ahhh....has been a long time since I have enjoyed such a woman as yourself" Jimmy tells his new found friend. But to his disgust he has great problems trying to get "lil' Jimmy" to cooperate.... To make the situation worse he can hear Malcolm in the next room....

"ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR! MMMWWAWWAAAAA!!" Obviously he is having far greater success... In fact at this point in time Jimmy is thinking, Malcolm is the God of sex... Capable of arousing and giving almost painful pleasure any woman.

Next morning Jimmy walks across the road the bar for an early pint to drown his sorrows in. but sitting at the counter is Malcolm.

"Ahhhh...hello Malcolm, what an appauling night...Lil' Jimmy wasn’t playing along" says the dwarf...

"Hah!!" says Malcolm.

"It's fine for you. I couldn’t even get on the bed!!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Old Local Blacksmith

An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do."

 

One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard."

 

Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith. 
 

Edited June 21, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Catching Cows

More than anything, Bob wanted to be a cowpoke. Taking pity on him, a rancher decided to hire the lad and give him a chance. 
"This," he said, showing him a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows." 

"I see," said Bob, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. "And what do you use for bait?"

[worldangel]

Joke: An out-of-towner drove his car...

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.

He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.

The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Doc Steadman

Two men were standing at adjacent urinals when one said to the other, "I'll bet you were born in Newark, Ohio."

"Why, that's right!" said the second man in surprise.

"And I'll bet you were circumcised when you were three days old."

"Right again. But how'd you....."

"And I'll bet it was done by old Doc Steadman."

"Well, yes, but how did you know?" asked the second man in amazement.

"Well, old Doc always cut them at a sixty-degree angle," explained the first guy, "and you're pissing on my shoe."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The smart carpenter

Andy, a carpenter by profession, had witnessed an accident and was summoned to court to give evidence.

The defendant's lawyer tried to discredit him by asking several tricky questions. One of the questions was, "How far were you from the accident site?"
Andy replied, "Thirty one feet, three and a half inches."

The lawyer asked, "What???! How can you be so sure and precise about that distance?"
Andy said, "Well, I knew sooner or later someone stupid would ask me. So I measured it!"

[worldangel]

Joke: It's Fine Here

The sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pickup and into the ditch. 

The Sheriff asked, “Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don’t you see that sign right over your head?" 

“Yep." the guy replied. “That’s why I'm dumping it here, it says ‘fine for dumping garbage.'"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Speed Limit

Sitting on the edge of the highway waiting to catch speeders, a state police officer saw a car driving along at 22 M.P.H. He thinks to himself, that car is just as dangerous as a speeder. So, he turns his lights on and pulls the car over. Approaching the car, he notices there are 5 old ladies, two at the front and 3 at the back, wide eyed and looking like ghosts. 

The driver, obviously confused, said, "Officer, I don't understand, I wasn't doing over the speed limit! What did you pull me over for?" 
"Ma'am," the officer said, "You should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be dangerous". 

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir! I was doing exactly 22 miles an hour", the old woman said proudly. 
The officer, trying not to laugh, explains that 22 is the route number, not the speed limit. A little embarrassed, the woman smiled and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. 

"Before I go Ma'am, I have to ask, is everyone ok? These women seem badly shaken and haven't said a word since I pulled you over." 

"Oh! they'll be all right in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 142" ...
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Walter Smith...

A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, "We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a little clue."

The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave."

Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. "Take her to Whirling Walter!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Expert Advice

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

[worldangel]

Joke: Twins

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

 

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.

A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

 

Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.

 

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, " What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?"

 

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: "'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."
 

Edited June 22, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Bring Riches With You


There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him.

An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules.

The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed.

Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!"

But, the man explains to St. Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through."

St. Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Peanuts

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times. When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, " Why then don't you eat the peanuts yourself?". 

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied. 
The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?" 

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Borrowed the Car

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been returned.

There is an envelope on the windshield with a note of apology and two tickets to a music concert. The note reads, “I apologize for taking your car, but my wife was having a baby and I had to hot-wire your ignition to rush her to the hospital. Please forgive the inconvenience. Here are two tickets for tonight's concert of Garth Brooks, the country-and-western music star.”

Their faith in humanity restored, the couple attend the concert and return home late. They find their house has been robbed. Valuable goods have been taken from thoughout the house, from basement to attic. And, there is a note on the door reading, “Well, you still have your car. I have to put my newly born kid through college somehow, don't I?”

[worldangel]

Joke: Superbowl Ads

A man had 50 yard line tickets for the Super Bowl.
As he sat down, he noticed that the seat next to him was empty.
He asked the man on the other side of the empty seat whether anyone was sitting there.

"No," the man replied, "The seat is empty."
"This is incredible," said the first man.
"Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Super Bowl, the biggest sporting event in the world and not use it?"

The second man replied, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This will be the first Super bowl we haven't been together since we got married in 1967."

"Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else -- a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shook his head. "No, they're all at the funeral."

[worldangel]

Joke: Unique birthday gift

Joe, a billionaire, was in a dilemma. His wife's birthday was approaching and he didn't have a clue what to gift her. There was nothing that she didn't already have.

So, when he shared his problem with a friend, the friend suggested, "I have a great idea. You can prepare a certificate for her which declares she can have three hours of great love making, and in any manner she likes. She should be delighted!"

Joe followed his friend's advise. The next day, when Joe met his friend, his buddy asked, "So, did you take my advice? How did it go? Did you have fun?"

Joe replied, "Oh, she loved it. She was ecstatic, couldn't thank me enough - she kissed me, and ran out of the house, shouting, "I will be back in three hours!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Silence

After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days. 

Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was. 
"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me." 
He looked confused, "What are you talking about?" 

"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged. 

"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."

[Carpenter]

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The crash landing

Jerry, the test pilot in the Air Force, climbs out of the experimental plane, all bruised and battered. The wings and tail of the plane are torn off in the crash landing. The rescue team arrives, and one of the rescuers, seeing Jerry in a bloody mess, asks him, "What happened?"

Jerry, looking very pale, replies, "I don't know, I just got here myself!

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Annual Convention....

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?" She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston"

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."

"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Where are the monkeys?

The young lady strolled thru the National Zoo and finally paused in front of the monkey island. Mystified as to the whereabouts of the animals, she queried the keeper, "Where are all of the monkeys ?"

"They're all back in the cave Miss." he responded, "It's right in the midst of the mating season."

"I see." she replied, "Do you think they'd come out if I offered them some of these peanuts ?"

Smiling the keeper responding, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know Miss. Would *YOU*?"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Old Lady Visits A Museum

An old lady is visiting a museum and knocks over a large vase which smases on the ground. An attendant rushes over, aghast.

"That vase," the attendant cries, "was over five hundred years old!"

"Oh, thank Goodness!" says the old lady. "I thought it was a new one."

[worldangel]

Joke: More beer


A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighed and got him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said: "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."

The man sighed and said: "It's started."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Spinster or widow?

Jack and Harold, both in their seventies and both bachelors, were sipping cappuccino in a coffee shop.

Jack said, “Harold, I know it's a little late in my life, but I feel I should get married. What do you say?”

Harold replied, "Sure, why not? Any age is a good age. I think you should go ahead.”

Jack continues, “But I am in two minds, whether to marry a spinster or a widow.”

Harold, “I suggest you marry a spinster. She will anyways become a widow in no time.”

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Two Divorced Guys

These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

The guys asked "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this." They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year. "Okay," they said and left. The next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."

The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"

"Yeah" said the guy. "Where is he?" asked the trader. "I killed him" said the guy. Shocked, the trader asks "Why?" To which the guy replies, "I caught him in bed with my board!"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Speech Impediment

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"
"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."

"Well," said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"

"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.

"What do you mean her speech impediment?"

inquired the first fellow.

"My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!"

"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A 70-year-old man has never be...

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day, he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon. When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"

"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man. "The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we -"

His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"

"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Mix Up at the Hospital

This guy went to hospital for a circumcision, but because of a mix up, he ended up having a complete sex change.

All of the doctors and nurses had gathered around his bed as he was waking up so they could give him the bad news.

Naturally, the poor guy went to pieces and started crying when they explained what had happened to him.

"Oh no!" he moaned, "this means I'll never be able to experience an erection ever again!"

"Of course you will," one of the doctors soothed. It'll just have to be someone else's, that's all."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Flasher repair

Dean was recruited in police department as a car mechanic. One day, his superior told him to repair flashers on the top. Dean tried his best but could not get the flashers working. Finally, he took the car to a garage in the city.

Next day his superior inquired about the flashers. Dean said: “Yes boss, they are working fine now. But I had to take the car to the garage to get them working. I thought the mechanic there would fleece me. But all he did was to add 78 dollars worth of blinker fluid.”

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Two mothers-in-law

Danny was being tried for Bigamy in a court.
After the judge passed his sentence, he asked Danny, "Have you learnt your lesson and realized what a bad thing it is to have more than one wife."

"Yes, your honor, I have," he replied.
"What is it that you realized?" the judge asked.

Danny replied, "Having two wives means having two mothers-in-law, and that, in itself, should be grounds enough to support assisted suicide."