Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: All in the Perspective

Two mothers met for coffee. “Well Ruthie, how are the kids?”

“To tell you the truth, my son has married a real tramp!” says Ruth. “She doesn’t get out of bed until 11. She’s out all day spending his money on Heaven knows what, and when he gets home, exhausted, does she have a nice hot dinner for him? Ha! She makes him take her out to dinner at an expensive restaurant.”

“Oh! What a shame. And how about your daughter?”

“Ah! Now there’s a lucky girl. She has married a saint. He brings her breakfast in bed, he gives her enough money to buy whatever she needs, and in the evening he always takes her out to dinner at a nice restaurant.”

[worldangel]

Joke: What firm are you with?

A guy walks into a bar and sees a gorgeous babe nursing a drink. Walking up behind her he says, "Hi, there, good looking'! How's it going'?"

She, having already downed a few power drinks, turned around, faced him, looked him straight in the eye and said: "Listen! I screw anybody, any time, anywhere, your place, front door, back door, it doesn't matter to me. I've been doing it ever since I got out of college. I just flat-ass love it!"

Eyes now wide with interest, he responded, "No kidding! I'm a lawyer, too! What firm are you with?

[worldangel]

Joke: Mental Hospital

Ron and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ron suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Ron out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ron, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.

I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.

How soon can I go home?'

[worldangel]

Joke: Loving Kindness

A young female disciple undertook to develop the meditation on loving-kindness.

Sitting in her small room, she would fill her heart with loving-kindness for all beings yet each day as she went to the bazaar to gather her food, she would find her loving-kindness sorely tested by one shopkeeper who would daily subject her to unwelcome caresses.

One day she could stand no more and began to chase the shopkeeper down the road with her upraised umbrella.

To her mortification she passed her teacher standing on the side of the road observing this spectacle.

Shame-faced she went to stand before him expecting to be rebuked for her anger.

"What you should do," her teacher kindly advised her, "is to fill your heart with loving-kindness, and with as much mindfulness as you can muster, hit this unruly fellow over the head with your umbrella."

[worldangel]

Joke: Homecoming Queen

Richard's parents always suspected that their son might be gay, but never confronted him with it.

However, they were a bit startled when the Dean of his college contacted them and said, "I have some good news and some bad news for you about your son Richard."

The mother said, "Well give us the bad news first."

The Dean said, "Yes, Richard is, indeed gay."

Stunned, they choked back and said, "And the good news?"

"This year he's going to be the Homecoming Queen!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Prepare for battle

Once a captain on his ship was disturbed by his assistant telling him, "Sir! Sir! There are 5 enemy ships on the horizon."

The captain tells the man," Get my red coat and prepare for battle!"

The assistant runs without question to get the captains red coat and prepares for battle. After their victory the assistant asks the captain why he wanted his red coat.

The captain tells the assistant "If I was shot you would not be able to tell I'm bleeding and you would keep fighting."

The assistant thought this was a great idea. The next day the assistant came to the captain, "Sir! Sir! There are twenty enemy ships on the horizon!"

The captain was stunned. He looked at the assistant and told him "Get me my brown pants!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Men go to heaven

There are 3 guys who get a visit from an angle. The angle says, “I’m giving you a heads up. You are going to die and then come back with a girl. How good you are in heaven determines how beautiful she’ll be.

So the first guy comes back and is with a really ugly girl. The most ugly you have probably seen.

Then, the second guy comes back and is with an even uglier girl.

But, when the third guy comes back he is with the most beautiful girl you ever did see.

The first 2 guys look at each other saying, “Wow, he must have been very good.”

Then the woman shouts, “I GOT STUCK WITH HIM!”

[worldangel]

Joke: Wear the silver

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand: 'Olympic Condoms.' Impressed, he buys a pack.

Upon arriving home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made. 'Olympic condoms?' she blurts.

'What makes them so special? ''They're in three colors,' he replies, 'gold, silver, and bronze.

''What color are you planning on wearing tonight?' she asks cheekily.

'Why, gold, of course,' says the man proudly. 'Really?' she responds.

'Why don't you wear the silver tonight? It'd be nice if you came second for a change.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Words

A prince had a curse put on him when he was a little boy. He could only speak two words every year. But, if he didn't speak for a whole year, he would then be able to speak 4 words the next year and so on.

One day he met a princess named Josie and he wanted to say "My Princess".

The next year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess, i love you".

The third year he saw her he wanted to say "My princess I love you, will you marry me?" But, the young prince, now growing older knew he would have to wait a couple more years.

So, on the fifth year, excited to finally present his question, he visited the princess.

He approached her respectfully and asked, "JOSIE, MY PRINCESS, I LOVE YOU. WILL YOU MARRY ME?"

And the princess said, "Pardon?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Improvement

"Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night.

She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market," said the man.

"Sounds like you may be bitter because she changed you so drastically," remarked his friend.

"I'm not bitter. Now that I'm so improved, she just isn't good enough for me."

[worldangel]

Joke: Hot mama

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.

A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'"

[worldangel]

Joke: Condom

A salesman, who getting ready for his next trip, asks his wife to include a condom in his suitcase.

His wife instantly asks why.. He replies, " Just a reminder if I want to try something different."

She grabs a bar of soap, drops it into one of his socks, swings it in the air, and WHAM !!!!

swings it up between his balls..... After much pain, and gathering his composure, asks....

"Why the hell did you do that?" She replies,,, " Just a reminder if you want to try something different"

[worldangel]

Joke: Beans again

There were three construction workers that always got the same thing for lunch. All of them were tired of eating the same thing over and over again.

1st worker : I hate sandwiches, if I get sandwiches for lunch again tomorrow I'm jumping off that bridge.

2nd worker : Oh my Gosh! If I see another taco I'm going to jump off that bridge tomorrow.

3rd worker : Beans Again?!! I will jump off that bridge tomorrow if I get beans for lunch again.

The next day they all got the same thing for lunch so each jumped off the bridge and died.

There wives were inconsolable.

1st Wife : If I knew he would do that I would have never packed him sandwiches!

2nd wife : If I knew he would do that, I would have never packed him tacos!

3rd wife : If I knew he would do that, I never would have let him pack his own lunch!

[worldangel]

Joke: Extra large condom

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms.

He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"

She responds, "No, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?

[worldangel]

Joke: Condom size

One day at the pharmacy a man walked in with a troubled look on his face.

The pharmacist noticed and asked if he could help him. The man replys, "I'm looking for some condoms."

The pharmacist asked, "Do you know what size you are?" The man said, "Well...not exactly."

The pharmacist pulls out from behind his counter a board with aligned holes on it, going from big to small.

He tells the man to go in the bathroom and test it to see what size he is.

The man walks into the bathroom.

An hour later the man walks out and says, "Forget the condoms, how much is the board?

[worldangel]

Joke: The lesson

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office, but she belonged to someone else…

One day, Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I’ll give you a $100 if you let me screw you. But the girl said NO.

Johnny said, "I’ll be fast. I’ll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I’ll be finished by the time you pick it up.

"She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend… So she called her

boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says, "Ask him for $200, pick up the money very fast, he won’t even be able to get his pants down."So she agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by, and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call.

Finally, after 45 minutes, the boyfriend calls and asks what happened. She responded, "The bastard used coins!"

[Andy@Tokyo]

Wished u were the guy lying on the bed instead?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W-rCsfSbsxU&feature=related

Utube test post

Edited August 5, 2009 by Andy@Tokyo

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Larry

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!'

The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat.

Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!'

Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem.

The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged.

Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.

The teacher suggested they try some biology questions... 'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher.

'Legs!' Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher.

'Pockets!' said Larry.

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, 'Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!'

[worldangel]

Joke: First Viagra Night

This was the frist time the man had every took viagra, that night he and his wife had wild and hot sex.

The next morning the wife said honey would you like me to fix you some eggs and gravey and hot coffee, the man said no, honey im not hungry at all.

So at lunch his wife ask him if he would like her to fix him a hot ham and cheese, and some hot soup, he said honey that pill i took must have done something im just not hungry.

So that evening she ask him if he would like a something to eat, he still said no, she looked up and said well get your ass off me im starving to death.

[worldangel]

Joke: Lying Bastard

A police officer pulls a motorist over for speeding. Whilst he is writing out the ticket he decides to check the car for roadworthiness.

The motorist doesn't object to this but as the policeman walks to the car he says "Hey, officer, I wouldn't look in the trunk if I were you".

"Why not", replies the policeman "Well" says the motorist, "I've go my wifes body in there, I murdered her earlier today".

The policeman is shocked as the motorist carries on "Oh and don't look under the front seat officer because I've got the shotgun I used to kill her stashed under there".

The policeman immediately radios for backup. Within minutes there are police cars everywhere, forensic teams, a police helicopter and even the Chief of Police.

The car is thoroughly searched and there is not trace of anything untoward found. The Chief of Police goes over to the motorist.

"What the heck is going on" he asks him "my officer here tells me you have your wifes body and a shotgun in your car and yet there's no trace of anything"

"Yeah" replies the motorist "and I bet that lying bastard told you I was speeding as well"!!!!!

[worldangel]

Joke: It won’t do you any good

This man is sitting in a bar and notices two lovely women across the way. He calls the bartender over and says, "I'd like to buy those two ladies a drink."

The bartender replies, "It won't do you any good." The man, with a confused look on his face says, "It doesn't matter, I want to buy those women a drink."

The bartender delivers the drinks to the ladies and the ladies acknowledge the drink with a nod of their heads. About a half-hour later, the man approaches the women and says, "I'd like to buy you two another drink." The women both reply, "It won't do you any good."

The man says, "I don't understand. What do you mean it won't do me any good?" The first lady says, "We're lesbians." The man replies, "Lesbians? What are lesbians?"

The second woman replies, "Lesbians... We like to lick pussies." The man says, "Bartender, three beers for us lesbians."

[worldangel]

Joke: Smart Guy Super Funny

Guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for 100 dollars? "Are you nuts? !!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for 1, 000 dollars?" he asks again. "Listen you I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me bite your breasts just once for 10, 000 dollars?" She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, 10, 000 dollars, eh? Ok, just once, but not here.

Let's go to that dark alley over there." So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?" "Nah", he replies. "Costs too much..............

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Old Lady

Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady: I am 86 years old.

Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney: Did you know him?

Little Old Lady: No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady: He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him? Little Old Lady: No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then? Little Old Lady: No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney: Why not?

Little Old Lady: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney: What happened next?

Little Old Lady: Well, by then, I was feeling so "spicy" that I just laid down and told him "Take me, young man, Take me!"

Defense Attorney: Did he take you?

Little Old Lady: Hell, no! He just yelled, "April Fool!" And that's when I shot him, the little bastard.

[worldangel]

Joke: Needles Are Not Nice

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"

"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"

To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"

[clementi]

Joke: Stick of Dynamite

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder''s pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That''s 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

[clementi]

Joke: Deaf-Mute Sex

A young deaf-mute couple gets married. At first, they have sex with the lights on, in order to sign to each other.

One day, the woman asks, "Can we try to make love with the lights off?"

The man says, "OK, but how will you know when I want to make love?"

The woman says, "Well, when you're in the mood, just shake my left breast once, and I'll know. If you don't want to, shake my right breast once."

The man says, "All right. And if you want to make love to me, shake my penis once, if you do not want to make love to me, shake my penis about 50 times."

[clementi]

Joke: Drastic Diet

A fellow was ordered to lose 75 pounds, due to VERY serious health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, he ran across an ad in the newspaper for a guaranteed weight loss program. ''Guaranteed my ass,'' he thought to himself, but desperate, he calls them up and subscribes to the 3 day/ 10 pound weight loss program.

The next day there is a knock at his door and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptous, athletic, beautiful babe dressed in nothing but a pair of NIKE running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.

The sign reads, ''If you can catch me you can have me!''

Without a second thought he takes off after her. A few miles later, huffing and puffing, he finally catches her and has his way with her.

After they are through and she leaves, he thinks to himself, ''I like the way this company does business.''

The same girl shows up for the next two days and the same thing happens. On the fourth day he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost ten pounds, as promised.

So, he calls the company and orders from them their 5 day/ 20 pound program. As expected, the next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunningly beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life, wearing nothing but REEBOK running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, ''If you can catch me, you can have me.''

He's after her in a shot. This girl is in great shape and it takes a while to catch her, but when he does, it's worth every cramp and wheeze. She is by far the best he's ever had. For the next four days, the same routine happens and much to his delight on the fifth day, he weighs himself and found he has lost another twenty pounds as promised!

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7 day/ 50 pound loss program.

''Are you sure,'' asks the representative on the phone, ''this is our most rigorous program...''

''Absolutely,'' he replies. '' I haven't felt this great in years!''

The next day there is a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink racing spikes and a sign around his neck that reads, ''If I catch you, I have you!!'''

[worldangel]

Joke: Seven O'clock

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules.

"I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted.

"And, I don't expect any hassle from you.

Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise.

I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said.

"Any comments?" His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Buddies

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.

Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.

I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

[worldangel]

Joke: Curse

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!!"

The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "BITCH!!!"

They each continue on their way, and ..... as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road ..... and dies immediately.

If only men would listen.

[worldangel]

Joke: Eye examination

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examining his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."

The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"

The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room”

[worldangel]

Joke: At retirement home

A man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis.

A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?"

He replies, "It died today."

"Oh that's terrible!", the nurse replied

The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again.

The same nurse says, "I thought it died yesterday."

The man replies, "It did. Today is the viewing"

[cadlad]

a man made a football bet with his friends that liverpool will win man-u for the match that night, if not, he will swallow a sip out of the coffee shop spittoon. we're talking about the dingy and ratty kopi thiams where many phlegmy old men hang out all day. the friends were delighted that the man came up with such a gross dare.

true enough, Man-U won that match and the man has to carry out the stunt. wah, the kopi thiam was crowded with spectactors waiting to see the phlegm-swallow ceremony. the man bent down, picked up the heavy and full spittoon from the floor, and brought it to his lips. the whole kopi thiam cheered wildly. then an amazing thing happened - he.did.not.stop. the man actually finished drinking the entire spittoon. the whole coffee shop was shocked. some were impressed, some were grossed out, but you can cut the silence in the air with a knife.

when the man finished, his friend walked up to him slowly, put a hand on his shoulder and asked why he finished drinking the whole spittoon? He just have to swallow a sip! the man wiped his mouth on his sleeve and said, "chee bye la, the whole thing is one glob, i couldn't stop at all!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Blind Date

John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl.

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

[worldangel]

Joke: Mortgage

This sex researcher phones one of the participants in a recent survey of his to check on a discrepancy.

He asks the bloke, "In response to the question on frequency of intercourse you answered 'twice weekly'.

Your wife, on the other hand, answered 'several times a night'."

"That's right," replies the bloke, "And that's how it's going to stay until our second mortgage is paid off."

[worldangel]

Joke: My zipper

Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal.

The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, "Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you."

The man asks, "Can you unzip my zipper?" Bob says, "OK."

Then the man says, "Can you pull it out for me?" Bob replies, "Uh, yeah, OK."

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, "Thanks, man, I really appreciate it."

Bob says, "No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?"

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it."

[worldangel]

Joke: Ghosts

Two ghosts met and both chat about how they died.

1st ghost: How u died?

2nd ghost: I died of cold.

1st ghost: How does it feel when you're dying in cold?

2nd ghost: Actually, I was imprisoned in the refrigerator. Initially, I was shivering, then my whole body started to freeze, later I felt the whole world was dark and I died. Fortunately, I died with not many sufferings.

1st ghost: You're so pitiful....

2nd ghost: How about you? How did u die?

1st ghost: I died from heart attack.

2nd ghost: I see, why did u have a heart attack?

1st ghost: Actually, I found out that my wife is having an affair with another man. One day, when I came back from work, saw a pair of man shoes outside my house. Then, I realized that the guy was in my house with my wife. When I rushed into the bedroom, my wife was alone. I must find where that bastard is hiding. So I searched the toilet, I ran downstairs, looked in the storeroom, but the bastard was not there. So, I ran upstairs and searched the wardrobe, but I found nothing. Because I was too tired of all that running, I got a heart attack and died.

2nd ghost: Why didn't you look for the bastard in the fridge? If you did, both of us were alive now!!

[crazygolfer]

Joke: Seeing doctor

A man was in a doctors office and the doctor walked in and said, ok what do you need today sir.

The man pulled down his pants and showed the doctor his beat up, bruised, and bleading penis.

The doctor said, damn how did you do that?

The man said well I live in a trailor, and every night I have noticed that the woman in the trailor next to mine at exactally 9:00pm, she moves her rug where there is a hole in the floor, she sticks a hot dog in the hole and masterbates with it.

So one day I got an idea at 8:45pm I would go under her trailor and when she put the hot dog in the hole I would pull it out and stick my penis in the hole.

So that night I did, and it was going great untill someone knocked on the door and she tried to kick it under the oven!

Edited August 26, 2009 by crazygolfer

[clementi]

Joke: The Dying Businessman

A businessman on his deathbed called his friend and said, "Bill, I want you to promise me that when I die you will have my remains cremated."

"And what," his friend asked, "do you want me to do with your ashes?"

The businessman said, "Just put them in an envelope and mail them to the Internal Revenue Service. Write on the envelope, 'Now, you have everything.'"

[clementi]

Joke: Heart Transplant

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.

The doctor said, "We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?"

"I'll take the lawyer's heart", said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.

"It was easy," said the patient, "I wanted a heart that hadn't been used."

[clementi]

Joke: Thieves

A blonde phoned police to report that thieves had been in her car.

"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, even the accelerator," she cried out.

However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time and the same voice came over the line.

"Never mind, I got in the back seat by mistake."

[clementi]

Joke: Name That Animal

A first-grade class is having a game of "Name That Animal".

The teacher held up a picture of a cat.

"What animal is this?" she asked.

"A cat!" said Eddie."Good job! Now, what is this animal?"

"A dog!" said Eddie.

"Good! Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a Deer.

The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said,"It's what your mom calls your dad."

"A jerk," called out Eddie.

[clementi]

Joke: Give Up The Seat

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mum: Well, you have done the right thing.

Son: But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

[worldangel]

Joke: Dick into a vice

A man arrives home one evening and found his wife in bed with another man. The husband grabbed the offending man by his nob and dragged him to the garage.

After putting his dick into a vice and removing the key so it couldn't be loosened he walked over to the bench and took a saw off the hanger.

The naked man said, "My god you are not going to cut it off?"

The husband replied, "Oh no sir, this is for you. I am going to set fire to the garage and leave. What you do next is your decision.

[worldangel]

Joke: Toilet Seat Stolen

All the toilet seats at the police station were stolen. The thief is still at large, the police are having a time figuring it out, and they have nothing to go on.

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

He thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him - he's a smartass when he's drunk and stoned."

The guy from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!"

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Come On Baby

It's the Spring and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car.

When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?, " he says. "That's cool" says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah, " says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw she'll screw all night if we let her!" Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father: "DAMMIT DADDY! ...

IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Cruise

A guy went to a travel agent and tried to book a two week cruise for himself and his girlfriend. The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and things were very tight, but that he would see what he could do. A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could now get them onto a three day cruise.

The guy agreed and went to the drugstore to buy three Dramamine's and three condoms. Next day, the agent called back and said that he now could book a five day cruise.

The guy said, "I'll take it, " and returned to the same pharmacy, to buy two more Dramamine's and two more condoms. The following day, the travel agent called yet again and said he could now book an eight day cruise. The guy agreed, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, "Look, if it makes you sick, why do you keep doing it?"

[clementi]

Joke: Two wonderful hours

Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, "I don`t know what to get my wife for her birthday.

She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I`m stumped."

His buddy said, "I have an idea. Why don`t you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She`ll probably be thrilled!" So the first fella did just that.

The next day his buddy asked, "Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?"

"She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, `I`ll see you in two hours`."

[clementi]

Joke: After the office party

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He`s an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You`re back at work on Monday.

[clementi]

Joke: Afternoon quickie

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There`s a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.