Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

One day a construction worker left the job a little early, and when he got home he found his wife in bed with another man. Purple with rage, he hauled the man down the stairs and into the garage where he proceeded to secure his dick in a vice.

Utterly terrified, the man screamed, "Stop, stop! you're not going to cut it off, are you? ARE YOU?"

"Nope," replied the construction worker, "You are...I'm going to set the garage on fire."

[worldangel]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don't do the following, your husband wills surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. No nagging. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week. If you can do this for the next 10 months to

a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife. "What did the doctor say?"

[worldangel]

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon place for their 25th anniversary.

As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied: "All i wanted to do was to f*** your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked: "What are you thinking now?"

He replied: "It looks like I did a pretty good job."

[crazygolfer]

A large, powerfully-built guy meets a woman at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, he stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, he flexes his muscular arms and says, "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She begins to drool.

The man drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" She is aching for action at this point.

Finally, he drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, she grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door.

He catches her before she is able to leave and asks, "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

She replies, "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

[worldangel]

A pianist was hired to play background music for a movie. When it was completed he asked when and where he could see the picture. The producer sheepishly confessed that it was actually a p--no film and it was due out in a month.

A month later, the musician went to a p--no theatre to see it. With his collar up and dark glasses on, he took a seat in the back row, next to a couple who also seemed to be in disguise.

The movie was even raunchier than he had feared, featuring group sex, S/M and even a dog.

After a while, the embarrassed pianist turned to the couple and said, "I'm only here to listen to the music."

"Yeah?" replied the man. "We're only here to see our dog."

[worldangel]

A young couple on the brink of divorce visits a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife what is the problem.

She responds

[worldangel]

There once was a bear and a rabbit that hated each other. One day, they found a genie in a lamp who said he would grant them each three wishes. The bear went first and he said,

[worldangel]

A husband said to his wife, "I will take a photo of your breasts and frame it."

The wife said to her husband, "I will take a photo of your penis and enlarge it."

[worldangel]

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk?

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

[worldangel]

A man had a problem, there was a red ring around his cock. He was really worried so he went to the doctor.

The doctor took a good look at it and then after a while of uming and ering, he said "Well apply this on it and then come and see me in a few days."

The man was a bit relieved but was still worried about what would happen to his pride and joy. So that night before bed he applied the cream.

Sure enough by the morning the ring had disappeared. He was so happy he went straight to the doctors to tell him the good news.

He showed the doctor the ring was gone and the doctor was pleased.

The man asked him what the cream was.

The doctor replied, "Just lipstick remover."

[worldangel]

Little Johny asked his mother "Ma, is it true that people can be taken apart like machines?"

"Of course not, where did you hear such nonsense?" replied by his mother

Little Jonny answered " The other day, Daddy was talking to someone on the phone, and he said that he screwed the ass off his secretary."

[worldangel]

This guy sees his new neighbour out in his backyard, so he decides to get acquainted. After introductions, he asks the new neighbour what he does for a living.

The new neighbour says,

[worldangel]

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches .... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he has anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck"

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure ..."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?"

Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..."

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

[worldangel]

As sex education is being taught at a younger age these days little Johnny is in class one day when the teacher begins the days sex lesson.

"Todays letter is the letter "p" and the word is "penis".

Little Johnny can hardly contain himself and blurts out, "I know what that is"! "I know! I know!!" " My daddy has two of them! "

"He has a little one he goes pee with .... and a great big one he brushes the baby sitters teeth with!"

[worldangel]

A woman walked into a bar carrying a duck under her arm. The local drunk saw this and asked, "Hey, whatcha doin' with that pig?"

"That's not a pig, you stupid ass!" she said coldly. "That's a duck."

The drunk replied. "I was talking to the duck."

[worldangel]

A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened .... but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs.

A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail. In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.

''Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride

between the legs.''

''That must have hurt,'' said the judge.

''No kidding,'' said the best man. ''I broke three of my fingers.''

[crazygolfer]

When you are dating........Farting is never an issue.

When you are married ....You make sure there's nothing flammable near your husband at all times.

When you are dating....... He takes you out to have a good time.

When you are married ....He brings home a 6 pack, and says "What are you going to drink?"

When you are dating....... He holds your hand in public.

When you are married ....He flicks your ear in public.

When you are dating....... A Single bed for 2 isn't THAT bad.

When you are married ....A King size bed feels like an army cot.

When you are dating....... You are turned on at the sight of him naked.

When you are married ....You think to yourself "Was he ALWAYS this hairy????"

When you are dating.......You enjoyed foreplay.

When you are married ....You tell him "If we have sex, will you leave me alone???"

When you are dating........He hugs you, when he walks by you for no reason.

When you are married ....He grabs your boob any chance he gets.

When you are dating......You picture the two of you together, growing old together.

When you are married ....You wonder who will die first.

When you are dating........Just looking at him makes you feel all "mushy."

When you are married ....When you look at him, you want to claw his eyes out.

When you are dating....... He knows what the "hamper" is.

When you are married ....The floor will suffice as a dirty clothes storage area.

When you are dating....... He understands if you "Aren't in the mood."

When you are married ....He says "It's your job."

When you are dating....... He understands that you have "male" friends.

When you are married ....He thinks they are all out to steal you away.

When you are dating....... He likes to "discuss" things.

When you are married ....He develops a "blank" stare.

When you are dating....... He calls you by name.

When you are married ....He calls you "Hey" and refers to you when speaking to others as "She."

[worldangel]

Mary was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"

"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk; he isn

[worldangel]

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife.

However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile.....somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who was called home to glory following a sudden heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: 16 May 2002

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was

[worldangel]

A newlywed couple on their honeymoon gets to the hotel room. When they start to have sex, the wife says that she has something to confess.

The husband says, "I will love you no matter what it is, tell me."

So the wife tells him that she is actually extremely flat cheated.

The husband says, "I can deal with that."

He takes off her shirt and shouts, "Boy! You are small, but I love you anyway."

The husband says, "I have something to confess also."

She says, "No matter what I will still love you."

He says, "Okay. I am built like a baby down there."

She says, "I can deal with that."

So he pulls down his pants and his wife passes out! He fans her and she finally gets up.

She says, "I thought you said you were built like a baby?"

He says, "Yeah....7lbs, 21inches."

[worldangel]

Three couples were married and stayed at the same hotel for their honeymoons, where they were all taken care of by Dave the Bellboy.

The first man married a nurse.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself, "What a lucky guy.

Nurses are known to be hot to trot".

The second man married a telephone operator.

Dave showed them to their room and thought to himself,

[worldangel]

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party ... Then he had a bright idea.

When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on.

"What the hell are you supposed to be?" asked the host.

"A premature ejaculation," said the man. "I just came in my pants!" :oops:

[worldangel]

A woman took her little daughter to the Louvre Gallery in Paris where they saw a statue of a nude male.

'What is that?' asked the child pointing to the penis.

'Nothing, nothing at all, cherie,' replied the mother.

'I want one,' said the child.

The mother tried to focus her daughter's attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted.

'I want one just like that,' she kept repeating.

At last the mother said, 'if you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one.'

'And if I'm bad?' asked the little one.

'Then,' sighed the mother, 'you will have many.'

[worldangel]

When I went to City Hall to renew my dog license, I told the clerk I wanted a license for Sex. He said," I'd like one too!

[worldangel]

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.

The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.

The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.

The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.

The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the grooms buddies received the following note:

[worldangel]

A young man just got a new job running the register at a store. The old-timer said he would teach him how to sell things. "Watch how I do it" he said to the new hire as a man came up to the counter.

The customer put a bag of grass seed on the counter. The old-timer then said to him "You know when you plant those seeds and the grass starts growing you're going to need a new lawnmower to cut that grass." "You know," said the man, "I do need to get a new mower, sure I'll take one."

After the customer left, the new kid said, "I think I see what you mean. Let me handle this next one." A man then stepped up to the counter and set down a box of tampons. The young salesman then said, "You know you should get you a new lawnmower to go with that."

The man then asked the young salesman, "What are you talking about?" "Well," he said, "It looks like your weekend's shot so you might as well cut the grass!"

[TopChinese]

1 . Nite - Sleep with air-con, Day - Bath with heater on

2. Day - Cannot Wake up, Nite - Cannot Sleep

3. Translation is need between Singaporean Chinese and

Mainland Chinese

4. Smell Of rubbish beside letterboxes, Rubbish in front of

Letterbox.

5. Some Sg Chinese use different language other then

chinese to communicate.

6. Sg ppl dun like to vote, But like to complain

7. Half of Sg ppl dunno how to speak the country's national language

(malay)

8. There are quite a few rich/poor ppl in sg - They have Car,

Credit Card, CPF but no Cash and owes a lot of money in loans

9. There are also quite a few high-tech barbaric singaporean

in sg - They know how to use state-of-the art equipment,

use 3g mobile phone and powerful computers but they

dunno how to use a simple dustbin or a toilet.

10. Sg ppl rush to buy Hello kitty, the other side busy killing

stray cats

11. Chewing Gum - Can Chew, Cannot buy?? (Restricted

buying)

12. Cigarettes - Convenient to buy, not convenient to smoke

13. Private Cars - Cheaper and Cheaper to buy, harder and

harder to Maintain

14. Public Bus - Half the Crowd Squeeze in front of the Bus,

Second Half is Carrying Ghost

15. Education - Teach Less Learn More.

[TopChinese]

Want to have hot jap guys at the tip of your mouse? Very funny site.

http://www.1-click.jp/

[Andy@Tokyo]

some of them so cute too bad cannot see their faces clearly

[worldangel]

A little old lady buys a pair of parrots, but cannot identify their sexes. She calls the shop, and the man there advises her to watch them carefully and all

would become clear in time.

She spends weeks staring at the cage and eventually catches them doing what comes naturally. To make sure she doesn't get them mixed up again, she cuts out a ring from a piece of cardboard and puts it round the male parrot's neck.

A while later, the local priest visits the old lady. The male parrot takes one look at the father's collar, wolf whistles, and says, "I see she caught you at it, too."

[worldangel]

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a bee buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.

After examining her, the doctor explained that the bee was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the bee.

The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."

Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman.

The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?" "Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."

[worldangel]

These two eggs had just been married and were on their honeymoon.

While they were sitting on the bed making out, the female egg pushed the male egg away and said, "I just have to go to the bathroom. I'll be back in a minute." and off she went.

Five minutes later, the male egg saw his sexy wife walk out in a slinky

[worldangel]

One day, Mr. Caterpillar decided to hitch a ride to town. As he was standing by the roadside, a family of bees came by in a little car and offered him a ride.

Gratefully, he accepted. After putting along merrily for a few kilometers, the engine sputtered and the car rolled to a halt. Without saying a word, Papa Bee alighted and urinated into the fuel intake. When he turned the starter, the engine started up, much to Mr. Caterpillar's amazement!

However, he did not say a word. The car went on for quite some distance before the engine died again. This time, it was Mother Bee who urinated into the fuel intake, and again, the car started up after that. The process was then repeated again for Baby Bee.

By the time the engine died for the fourth time, the little car was only a few kilometers from town. Not wanting to appear unsophisticated, Mr. Caterpillar got out of the car without a word, and started opening the fuel cap.

In a flash, Papa Bee got out of the car. "What are you doing?" asked Papa Bee.

"I'm going to piss in the fuel intake, just like you did", said Mr. Caterpillar.

"Oh! no", said Papa Bee patiently, "that won't do. This car only runs on Bee Pee (BP)."

[worldangel]

Two high-school buddies were attending the senior promenade concert night. "Suzie wants to go out to my car. She's really hot," one boy said. "I'm really nervous. I know I'll goof up!"

"Take it easy," his friend assured him. "All you gotta do is compliment her. Chicks love to be complemented. You'll have her in the palm of your hand."

About a half-hour later the young man came back, rubbing a black eye.

"Shit, man! What happened to you?!" his buddy asked.

"I took your advice."

"Didn't you compliment her?"

"Sure I did. We got in my car and started kissing. I told her that for such full lips, hers sure tasted sweet. She liked that. After a while I started feeling her tits, and I told her that for such large breasts they sure were firm. She like that too."

"It sounds like you were doing great," his friend said.

"Well," the other answered, "that's when everything went wrong. I got her dress up and her panties off, and I paid her another compliment." "What did you say?" "For such a large snatch, it sure doesn't stink much."

[worldangel]

Little Willie had a gambling problem. He'd bet on anything. One day, Willie's father consulted his teacher.

The teacher said. "Mr.Gaines, I think I know how to teach Willie a real lesson. We'll trap him into a big wager that he'll lose."

Willie's father agreed to cooperate with the plan.

The next day at school, the teacher watched Willie making wagers with the other children, and she said, "Willie, I want you to remain after class."

When the others had left the classroom, Willie walked up to the teacher. Before she could say a word, he said, " Dont say it, Miss Brown; I know what you're going to say, but you're a liar!"

"Willie!" the startled teacher said." What are you talking about."

"Your a fake!" Willie continued."How can I believe anything you tell me? You've got this blond hair on top, but I've seen your bush and it's pitch black!"

Trying to keep her cool, the teacher said, "Willie that isn't true."

"I'll bet a dollar it is !" Willie challenged.

The teacher saw her chance to teach Willie his lesson."Make it five dollars and you have a bet," she said.

"You're on!" Willie whipped out a five dollar bill. Before anyone could come into the room, Miss Brown. dropped her panties, spread her legs, and showed Willie that her pubic hair was as blond as the hair on top of her head.

Willie hung his head. "You win," he said, handing her the fiver. Miss. Brown couldn't wait for him to leave so she could get to a phone to call his father. She reported what had happened. "Mr. Gaines," she said, "I think we've finally taught him his lesson."

"The hell we have," the father muttered. "This morning Willie bet me ten dollars that he'd see your pussy before the day was over.

[worldangel]

Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which

said: "TWO PROSTITUTES -- $50.00."

A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to

remove the sign or go to jail.

Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying, "GOD SAVES."

One of the girls asked the cop, "How come you don't stop them?!"

"Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. "Their sign pertains to religion."

So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off.

The following day found the same cop in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read:

"TWO ANGELS SEEKING PETER -- $50.00."

[worldangel]

Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee?

Here are a few suggested phrases:

For the chronically absent:

"A man like him is hard to find."

"It seemed her career was just taking off."

For the office drunk:

"I feel his real talent is wasted here."

"We generally found him loaded with work to do."

"Every hour with him was a happy hour."

For an employee with no ambition:

"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."

"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."

For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:

"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."

For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:

"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."

"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."

For a stupid employee:

"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."

"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."

For a dishonest employee:

"Her true ability was deceiving."

"He's an unbelievable worker."

[worldangel]

Three doctors are waiting in line to get into the pearly gates. St. Peter walks out and asks the first one, "What have you done to enter Heaven?"

"I am a pediatrician and have brought thousands of the Lord's babies into the world."

"Good enough to enter the gates," replied St. Peter and in he goes. The same question is asked of the second doctor.

"I am a general practitioner and go to Third World countries three times a year to cure the poor." St. Peter is impressed and allows him through the gates.

The third doctor steps up in line and knowing the question, blurts out, "I am a director of a HMO."

St. Peter meditates on this for a while and then says, "Fine, you can enter Heaven... but only for 2 days."

[Buaya]

What is a HMO?? :oops:

[worldangel]

What is a HMO?? :oops:

HMO = Health Maintenance Organization

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/HMO

[worldangel]

Man at a retirement home was walking around with his zipper down holding his penis.

A young nurse says "Why are you doing that?"

He replies, "It died today."

"Oh that's terrible!", the nurse replied

The next day the man has his penis hanging outside of his pants again.

The same nurse says, "I thought it died yesterday."

The man replies, "It did. Today is the viewing"

[worldangel]

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in third grade!'

The teacher looked at little Larry's records and told him to please take his seat.

Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, 'I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!'

Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry's problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.

The teacher suggested they try some biology questions... 'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher.

'Legs!' Larry immediately replied. "What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' asked the teacher.

'Pockets!' said Larry.

The teacher looked at the principal, who said, 'Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!'

[worldangel]

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'.

The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'.

'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend. 'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.

[worldangel]

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

[worldangel]

A couple were married and, following the wedding, the husband laid down some rules. "I'll be home when I want, if I want, and at what time I want," he insisted.

"And, I don't expect any hassle from you. Also, I expect a decent meal to be on the table every evening, unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing with my buddies whenever I want. Those are my rules," he said. "Any comments?"

His new bride replied, "No, that's fine with me. But, just understand that there'll be sex here at seven o'clock every night whether you're here or not."

[worldangel]

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a faeces sample, and a blood sample."

The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FAECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!"

With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

[worldangel]

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ... and she's always sound asleep."

[worldangel]

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

[worldangel]

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red."

Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."

Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."

By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."

Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

[worldangel]

A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.

He was