Be Happy :)

[clementi]

Joke: Kneasels

A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing.

When the bridegroom removed His socks, His new wife asked, "Ewww - what`s wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"

"I had tolio as a child," he answered.

"You mean polio?" she asked.

"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."

The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off His pants, His bride once again wrinkled up Her nose.

"What`s wrong with your knees?" She asked. "They`re all lumpy and deformed!"

"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.

"You mean measles?" she asked.

"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."

The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, Her husband at last removed His underwear.

"Don`t tell me," she said. "Let me guess.. Smallcox?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Three Breasts

There's this man who's taking a walk around the red light district until he passes a whorehouse with a blinking sign saying: "The Hooker With Three Breasts...".

The man get's just a little interested and thinks "well.. that could be a once in a lifetime experience". So he goes in and walks up to the man behind the counter. "I'd like to see the hooker with the three breasts" he says. "Are you sure you can afford that..

It'll cost you a thousand dollars" the pimp replies.

But, the man is too exited, pull's his wallet and pays him the money. So, he's taken up three stairs to a little room in the back of the house and when he opens the room...there she is.

The room is dark but as he comes closer he sees it...three breasts! And so the man absolutely has the night of his life.

The next day the man walks past that same whorehouse and thinking of the night before and the time he had, he goes in and pays the pimp another thousand dollars. Again, he goes up three stairs to that little dark room in the back of the house. And as the day before, she lies there waiting.

But, as he walks up to the hooker, he sees that something is wrong..

"Hey! You had three breasts yesterday..." he says after which she smiles and says "What did you expect honey.. you can only suck out a boil like that once!".

[cadlad]

(actually there are different versions of the same joke, one involving poltiicans of SE Asian countries, haha)

It was the inaugural "International Dirtiest Underwear" competition, held at the Singapore Indoor Stadium. The stadium was crowded with people from all over the world wanting to support their own country's contestant.

The competition was very strong, and finally there were 3 finalists - a drunk from Ireland, a nomad from France and a NSF recruit from Singapore. They must go up to the stage to prove to the judges and everyone in the stadium that their underwear is the dirtiest.

The Irish drunk went first. He took off his pants, then his underwear, swung it a little, and flung it onto a concrete wall set up on the stage. The underwear stayed in the middle of the wall for a whole 5 seconds before sliding down slowly. Oh, the glory the drunk brought to the Irish! The stadium broke into a roar of approval.

Next up, the Frenchman. Expectations were high as everyone knows how the French feel about bathing and personal hygiene. The representative went up the stage, *peeled* off his clothes, then his underwear, swung it a little, and then flung it onto the wall. It stayed there for a whopping 15 seconds before moving slightly, then sliding down.... very.... slowly...... The crowd in the stadium exploded into applause and wild cheers as the Frenchman took a bow.

Last but not least, the Singaporean ah beng recruit cheerfully went up the stage, having just completed his 14 day field camp. He promptly took off his sweaty smelly uniform, then his underwear, swung it many times, and flung it onto the wall. The renoma brief barely stayed there for half a second before dropping onto the floor. Wah, sia suey, man! The entire stadium laughed their ass off as all the Singaporeans in the audience rushed into the stage to beat up the ah beng for humiliating the home country. Chaos broke out as the security could not stop all the angry natives. In fact some of the security guards were themself bashing the poor ah beng.

Then suddenly, someone shouted, "Eh! wait wait wait. Look at that!", and pointed to the concrete wall with the sad looking underwear on the floor. Everyone stopped and stared at the underwear. The underwear twitched a little, and then it began to crawl up the wall slowly..........

[worldangel]

Joke: Sex Joke

A man is sitting at a bar and says to the bar tender, "I'm horny, do you know where I could get some good lovin'?"

The bar tender replies, "Sure upstairs, two doors on the right." So the man walks up to the second door on the right and in the middle of the room stood a beautiful hooker.

He asked her, "How much for a hand job?" The hooker answered, "25!" He said in astonishment, "Damn, you must be good for that price!" The hooker said, "Look outside: see that apartment, I bought that with all of the hand jobs I have given."

The man paid and got a hand job. When the hooker was done he asked, "How much for a b**w ***?" The hooker answered, "50!" The man again replied, "Damn, you must be good for that price!" The hooker stood up and said, "Look outside: see that car, I bought that with all of the b**w ***s I have given."

So the man again paid and got his b**w ***. When the hooker was done he asked, "How much for a little p***y?" The hooker stood up once again looking outside and said, "Look outside: see that city, I would own all of that if I HAD a p***y!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Latex Factory

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.

At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples.

The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise. "The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold, " explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple." Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured.

The machine makes a "Hiss.

Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise. "Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss, ' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?" "Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine, " says the guide.

"It pokes a hole in every fourth condom." "Well, that can't be good for the condoms!" "Yeah, but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Magic Mirror...

A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four".

Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions.

Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my p***s touch the floor!".

Again, there's a bright flash...and then his legs fall off! "The Impossible Always Takes a Little Longer"

[worldangel]

Joke: Knickers

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

[worldangel]

Joke: You are goblin?

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?".

The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!".

The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"fxxk me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins"

[worldangel]

Joke: Medical check-up

This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...

He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.

"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?

"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.

He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."

Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The threesome

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night.

The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrant!".

The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter."

The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Sperm Bank

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.

She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.

The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!".

So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

[worldangel]

Joke: Clap your hands

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy. "Put your finger in me..." she asks him.

So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning. "Put two fingers in...", she says. So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!".

The guy's like, "Ok!". So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!".

So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".

[worldangel]

Joke: Three guys

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed.

In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"

The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too.

Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Honeymoon

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin."

The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Newlywed couples

On their first night together, a newlywed couples go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe.

The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.

Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower.

He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture".

He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

[clementi]

Joke: The longest scream

Three friends decided to bet each other $100 on who could make their wives scream more from sex.

They all go home to have sex with their wives and make them scream.

The next day the meet. The first friend says, "I made love to my wife for 2 hours and she was screaming for at least 1 1/2 hours."

The second friend says, "That's nothing, I start licking my wife for two hours and she was screaming the whole time and half hour after that."

The third friend says, " That's nothing, I made love to my wife for ten minutes, I came a couple times I wiped my Dick in the curtain and she still screaming."

[clementi]

Joke: Late home

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do.

Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.

I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a blowjob?' ....And she's always sound asleep."

[clementi]

Joke: Bad Example

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "fxxk" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fxxking the turkey!

[worldangel]

Joke: I’ve got headache

One day Mr. Smith, the president of a large corporation, called his vice-president, Dave, into his office and said, "We're making some cutbacks, so either Jack or Barbara will have to be laid off."

Dave looked at Mr. Smith and said, "Barbara is my best worker, but Jack has a wife and three kids. I don't know whom to fire."

The next morning Dave waited for his employees to arrive. Barbara was the first to come in, so Dave said, "Barbara, I've got a problem.

You see, I've got to lay you or Jack off and I don't know what to do?" Barbara replied, "You'd better jack off. I've got a headache."

[worldangel]

Joke: Fresh graduate physiatrist

John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy.

John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group. To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex.

He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised. He then asks, how many had sex once a week?

This time a larger number of hands were raised. John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised. After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face.

John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex. The guy said, “Once a year!” To John's dismay, he responds, “Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year? “The grinning guy responds, "Tonight’s the night!"

[Handful-of-Joy]

3 Priest got killed in a car crashed and reported at the gates of heaven.

St Peter said to them “I can’t let u in until you each answer my question” St Peter said to the first priest “What is the name of the first women” The first priest replied “Eve” “Oh, you in.” said St Peter.

To the second priest he asked “Where did Eve live?” The second priest said “Garden of Eden” “Then your in.” said St Peter.

St Peter said to the last priest “Because you are the bishop I’ve to give you a tricky one.” “What did Eve said when she first saw Adam?” The bishop wondering aloud “Oh..... That’s a hard one.” St Peter said “Yep, come on in.”

Good night!

[worldangel]

Joke: Definitely

A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".

Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."

Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."

[worldangel]

Joke: Auction

Wife : "I dreamt they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "Those they gave away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamt they were auctioning off cunts. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

[worldangel]

Joke: What's pussy?

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about pussy, and their bitch. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a pussy?"

The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a pussy." the son then asks "What's a bitch?" The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitch."

The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a pussy?" The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a pussy!"

The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitch?"

The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Appointment tomorrow?

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?" She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before." So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Circumcized

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

[worldangel]

Joke: My driver's license

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,

New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes

I'm half blind,

Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,

Take 40 different medications that

Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Have bouts with dementia ..

Have poor circulation;

Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.

Can't remember if I'm 89 or 98.

Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,

I still have my driver's license.

[worldangel]

Joke: I am not sure....

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?'

'98,' she replied, 'Two years older than me'

'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.

She responded , 'Hardly worth going home, is it?

[worldangel]

Joke: That’s the shit …….

A blind man interviews for a job as a quality controller at the local wood mill.

The manager calls the blind man into his office and asks him how he expected to do this job since he was blind. The blind man replied he would do it by smell.

The manager decides to test him and places a piece of wood in front of him. The manager asks, "What is it without touching it?"

The blind man replies, "That’s a good piece of fir." "Correct, says the manager, now try this one."

"That’s a bad piece of willow," says the blind man. "Correct," answers the manager.

With that, the manager decides to play a trick on the blind man. He get his secretary to lift up her dress and put her crotch in the blind mans face.

"I'm confused, says the blind man, Can you turn it around?" The secretary turns around and puts her ass in his face.

The blind man says, "Oh, you’re trying to fool me! But I know exactly what kind of wood that is. It’s the shit house door off a tuna boat!"

[clementi]

Joke: Missing Husband

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description.

She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him.

The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police,

"You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face."

The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report.

She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

[worldangel]

Joke: How you survive?

A husband comes home to find his wife with her suitcases packed in the living room.

"Where the hell do you think you're going?" he says.

"I'm going to Las Vegas. You can earn $400 for a blow job there, and I figured that I might as well earn money for what I do to you free."

The husband thinks for a moment, goes upstairs, and comes back down, with his suitcase packed as well.

"Where do you think you going?" the wife asks. "I'm coming with you...I want to see how you survive on $800 a year!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: You bowling again

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine.

While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time.

The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM. "Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Robinson

A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost.

Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way.

He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off.

He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What's up with your neighbors?" and the owner of the house says "Oh that ïs the Robinson’s, they're both deaf.

She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go fxxk herself!"

[clementi]

Joke: Two Sweethearts

There were two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school and were both virgins and enjoyed losing their virginity with each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted to both go to the same college but the girl was accepted to a college on the east coast, and the guy went to the west coast.

They agreed to be faithful to each other and spend anytime they could together. As time went on, the guy would call the girl but she was never home and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return any letters. Even when he e-mailed her, she took days to return his messages. Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn't take this very well and increased his calls and letters and e-mails trying to win back her love. Because she became annoyed, and now had a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back. So what she did was this:

She took a polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend's unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, "I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone." Well needless to say, this guy was heartbroken, but even more so, he was pissed. So what he did next was awesome:

He wrote on the back of the photo the following: "Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!" and then mailed the picture to her parents.

[clementi]

Joke: Sex Education

A teenage girl comes home from school and asks her mother. "Is it true what Rita just told me? Babies come out of the same place where boys put their penises?"

"Yes, dear," replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it to her daughter.

"But then when I have a baby," the teenager pondered, "won't it knock all my teeth out?"

[clementi]

Joke: Nude Beach

Two parents take their son on a vacation and go to a nude beach. The father goes for a walk on the beach and the son goes and plays in the water.

The son comes running up to his mom and says, "Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I saw men with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"

The mom says, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So he goes back to play. Several minutes later he comes running back and says, "Mommy, I just saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw and the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Going to movies

One day this girl goes to her father, "Dad, I really want to see that movie that just came out, can I please go watch it."

The dad replies, "Only if you suck my dick." the girl refuses but says, "please dad, I really really really want to go to the movies."

The dad says again, "Only if you suck my dick, then Ill take you." Eventually the girl gives in and sucks his chop.

As soon as she does, she leaps back and goes "Eewwww, it tastes like shit!", so the dad says, "Yeah, your brother wanted to go to the movies too."

[worldangel]

Joke: No hands

This little girl walks over to her grandmother and asks "Granny, can you show me a magic trick?"

"No dear, but I think your grand father knows one."

So the little girl walks over to her grandpa and asks "Grandpa, granny says you know some magic tricks, could you show me one?"

The grand father looks at her, "Sure, just hop on my lap!" So the little girl jumps on his lap.

"Now, can you feel a finger poking up your ass?" asks the grandpa, "Yeah" replies the girl "Well look, no hands!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Condoms

A young boy and his father were in a store when they walked past a rack of condoms.

Being a curious young lad, the boy asked his father, "What are these things daddy?"

His dad said, "Condoms son." The boy asked, "Why do they come in packs of 1,3, and 12?"

The dad replied, "The packs with one are for the high school boys, one for Saturday night, the ones with three are for the college boys, one for Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and the ones with twelve in them are for the married men, one for January, one for February, one for March...."

[worldangel]

Joke: Panties

One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend.

She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited. When the boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on.

"Come over here baby." she says smiling. The boyfriend backs off, "If your pussy can do that to your panties - I ain't going any where near it!"

[worldangel]

Joke: The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

[clementi]

Joke: Dealing with a lawyer

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?"

The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street."

Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven."

The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter."

Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

[clementi]

Joke: Qualifying for Heaven

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

[clementi]

Joke: The name of your wife

St. Peter is questioning three married couples to see if they qualify for admittance to heaven.

"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the men, who had been a butler.

"I was a good father," he answers.

"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."

St. Peter then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the same question.

The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken good care of his family.

But St. Peter also rejected him, pointing out that he had been an impossible glutton, so much so that he married a woman named BonBon.

At this point the third man, who had been a lawyer, stood up and said, "Come on, Penny, let’s get out of here."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bowling again?

A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl.

He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.

"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"

She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"

He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her." "Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands.

"Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Can you help us?

A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her.

The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat.

He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldn’t because she didn’t have any clothes on. He replies, “Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!”

She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?" The clerk replies, "I’m sorry, I think he's too far in."

[worldangel]

Joke: A blind boy

A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother.

The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!".

Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep.

The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Ice cream

A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."

Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."

Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"

Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.

Mom : "Now what do I do?"

Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fxxking ice cream."

[worldangel]

Joke: He isn’t your dad

One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for a while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother.

The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life?

Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!"

Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad."

[worldangel]

Joke: I told you he was stupid

A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger fxxking his wife.

He says, "What the hell are you two doing?"

His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."