Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Eye doctor

Sandra visited an Ophthalmologist for her eye check-up.

The doctor asked her to read some letters with her left eye while asking her to keep the right eye covered.

Sandra was so confused on which eye was which that the frustrated eye doctor took a paper bag, made a hole in it, covered up the appropriate eye and asked her to read the letters.

He saw that Sandra had tears in her eyes.
"Hey," said the Ophthalmologist, "there's no need to get sentimental about getting glasses."

"It’s not that," said Sandra, "Well, I kind of had my heart set on wire frames."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Old Goat

The young couple invited their aged person for Sunday dinner. 
While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having. 

"Goat," the little boy replied. 
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?" 

"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Pa say to Ma, 'Might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.'"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Explosion

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins. 

One of the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene, what happened?" 

"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and light up." 
"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?" 
"About 20 years, sir" 

"20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought it would have been the last thing he'd have done." 
"It was, sir."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Checking the menu, a restaurant

Checking the menu, a restaurant customer ordered a bowl of vegetable soup. After a couple of spoonfulls, he saw a circle of wetness right under the bowl on the table cloth. 

He called the waitress over and said, "It's all wet down here. The bowl must be cracked." 

The waitress said, "You ordered vegetable soup, didn't you?" 
"Yes." 
"Well, maybe it has a leek in it!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Life on the Moon

Shortly after his spaceship landed on the moon, the astronaut debarked and began exploring the strange new terrain. He had walked for only fifteen minutes when he came upon a lovely young moon girl, who was busily stirring the contents of a meteoroid pot.
"Hi," he said, introducing himself. "I'm an astronaut, here to discover everything I can about life on the moon."

The moon girl stopped stirring long enough to throw him a smile. "How interesting it is that you are formed just like our moon men," she observed, looking him up and down. Pointing to her own, quite naked body, she asked, "And am I structured as a earth women?"
"Yes, you are," answered the astronaut. "But tell me, why do you stir that pot?"
"I'm making a baby," she said. And sure enough, a few minutes later, a baby appeared in the pot.

"Would you like to see how we make babies on earth?" asked the astronaut, by now considerably aroused. The girl said she would, so the astronaut proceeded with a passionate demonstration.

"That was enjoyable," she said afterward, "but where is the baby?"
"Oh, that takes nine months," explained the astronaut.
"Nine months?" she asked. "Then why did you stop stirring?"

[worldangel]

Joke: A man asked his wife what she'...

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday. "I'd love to be eight again." she replied. On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her off to the local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Monster Roller Coaster, every thing there was.

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. Right away, they journeyed to a McDonald's where her loving husband ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to the movies: the latest Star Wars epic, a hot dog, popcorn, all the Coke she could drink, and her favorite M&M's.

What a fabulous adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted. He leaned over his precious wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, Well, Dear, what was it like being eight again?" Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. "I meant my dress size!!!!!!!

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he's gonna get it wrong.

[worldangel]

Joke: Senior management

A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing a Senior Manager ID badge and a dull grey suit.

"Well" says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." says the man. "I'm not going to trust a Senior Manager."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

"OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
POOF The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
POOF The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."
POOF He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:
If a Senior Manager offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The family way

Conswelo, a Mexican maid announced to her boss, Mrs. Blanco that she was quitting. When asked why, she replied, "I'm in the family way."
The wife was totally surprised and shocked, and asked who the father could be.

The maid replied, "Your husband and your son."
Mrs. Blanco was mortified and demanded an explanation.
"Well," Conswelo explained, "I go to the library to clean it and your husband says, 'You are in the way'. I go to the living room to clean and your son says 'You are in my way'. So I'm in the family way and I quit."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Orange

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?" 
The student replied, "Here's an orange." 
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" 

The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The local sheriff was looking ...

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job. 
"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?" 
"11" he replied. 

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?" 
"Today and tomorrow." 

The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself. 
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" 
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know." 

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?" 
So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Who gets the present....

The father of five children had won a toy at a raffle. He called his kids together to ask which one should have the present.

"Who is the most obedient?" he asked. "Who never talks back to Mother? Who does everything she says?"

Five small voices answered in union. "Okay, Dad. You get the toy."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Parking Spot

A guy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking spot.

Looking up to heaven, he said: "Lord, take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me whiskey!"

Miraculously, a parking spot suddenly appeared.

The guy looked up again and said: "Never mind, I found one."

[worldangel]

Joke: So lazy

Harry is so lazy, if you shot him he'd probably ask someone to help him to the floor.
Harry was so lazy, if he dropped something he wouldn't pick it up again till his shoelaces needed tying.

Harry was so lazy he had his window box concreted over.
Harry works almost every day. He almost works on Monday, he almost works on Tuesday, he almost works on Wednesday.

[worldangel]

Joke: My husband wants me to ask you....

Brenda, pregnant with her first child, was paying a visit to her obstetrician's office. When the exam was over, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you..."

"I know, I know." the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in the pregnancy."

"No, that's not it at all." Brenda confessed. "He wants to know if I can still mow the lawn."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: The local sheriff was looking ...

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer, who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket, went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"
"11" he replied.
The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right. What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."
The sheriff was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.
"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"
Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"
So, Gomer wandered over to the barbershop where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant. "It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Twenty Bucks

A man is walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
"Twenty bucks," she says. he'd never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell it's only twenty bucks.

They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them it's a police officer.

"What's going on here, people?" asks the officer.

"I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know."

"Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Girls Night Out

A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally, it was agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

10 years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they could eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant had a beautif ul view of the ocean.

10 years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant was wheel chair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: No Longer Safe

Ever argue with a female and, in the middle of the argument, you no longer feel safe because of her actions? She may start pacing back and forth real fast, breathing out her nose.

 You know what my girl do? When she get mad, she start talking in the third person. That’s scary as hell because that’s her way of telling me that from this point on, she is not responsible for none of her actions.

[worldangel]

Joke: Arthritis is so cruel

"I'll tell you," he said, "I've learned that arthritis is the cruellest disease."
"Crueller than cancer?" his friend asked.

"You bet," the first codger replied, "It makes every single one of your joints stiff, except the right one."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Deep heat

A guy walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once, I need something to keep me horny....keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label, "Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll go nuts for twelve hours."

The guy says, "Gimme three boxes."

The next day, the guy walks into the same pharmacy, limps up to the pharmacist and pulls down his pants.

The pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black and blue, and skin is hanging off in some places.

In a paired voice, the man moans out, "Gimme a bottle of Deep Heat."

The pharmacist replies in horror, "You can't put deep heat on that."

The man replies, "No, it's for my arms, the girls didn't show up."

[worldangel]

Joke: Never say no to customer

The manager of a garden centre overhears one of his nurseryman talking to a customer. ‘No, we haven't had any of that in ages,' says the nurseryman. ‘And I don't know when we'll be getting any more.'

The customer leaves and the manager walks over to give him a telling off. ‘Never tell a customer we can't get them something,' he says. ‘Whatever they want we can always get it on order and deliver it. D'you understand?'

The nurseryman nods.
‘So what did he want?' asks the manager.
‘Rain,' replies the nurseryman.
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Jury Duty

A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honour", he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant. I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I thought, 'He's a crook! He's guilty!' So, your Honor, I cannot possibly stay on this jury!"

The tired and annoyed judge replied, "Get back in the jury box, you fool.

That man is the lawyer!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Photographer

A photographer for a national magazine was assigned to take pictures of a great forest fire. He was advised that a small plane would be waiting to fly him over the fire. 

The photographer arrived at the airstrip just an hour before sundown. Sure enough, a small Cessna airplane was waiting. He jumped in with his equipment and shouted, "Let's go!" The tense man sitting in the pilot's seat swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air, though flying erratically. 

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "And make several low-level passes."
"Why?" asked the nervous pilot. 

"Because I'm going to take pictures!" yelled the photographer. "I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" 

The pilot replied, "You mean you're not the flight instructor?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Attending a wedding for the first...

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life."

The child thought about this for a moment. "So why is the groom wearing black?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Only child

Mum, teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers or sisters who will be coming to school."

"That's nice of her to take such an interest, dear. What did she say when you told her u are the only child?"

"She just said, 'Thank goodness!'"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A woman decided to have her portrait ...

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man calls home to his wife and ...

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! And please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish. He says, "Yes! Lots of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replies; "I did, they were in your tackle box."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Time For The Wedding

A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
"But officer," the man began, "I can explain."

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."
"But, officer, I just wanted to say," "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding... He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."
"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Snail at doorstep

A man hears a knock on his back door and goes to answer it. There's no one there but the man notices a snail on his doorstep so he kicks it to the bottom of his garden.

Five years later there's another knock on the door. The man answers it to find the snail on his doorstep again.
‘Hey!' says the snail. ‘What the hell was that about?'

[worldangel]

Joke: One day the first grade teacher...

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" 

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" 

One little girl raised her hand and said, 
"I think he said: 'Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!'" 

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes. 
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A passerby noticed a couple of...

A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing. 

Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again. 

One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Facelift

This woman goes in for a facelift and the doctor says: "We've got this new method: I put a knob in the back of your head, and every time you feel like you need a lift, just turn it."

She gets the knob implanted and is beautiful for five years.

But one day she notices a problem and returns to the doctor.

"I've got these huge bags under my eyes," she complains.

The surgeon replies: "Those aren't bags; those are your breasts."

"Ah," she sighs. "That explains the goatee."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Food

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast. "Would you like bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" she asks. 

He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite." 

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" she inquires. He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food." 

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy porterhouse steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken, or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "Nah, still not hungry." 

"Well," she said, "would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy falls asleep on the beach...

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn all over his body.

He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns on his legs.

He was starting to blister and in pain by the time the doctor arrived. To help, the doctor prescribed an IV with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The attending nurse was rather surprised by the prescription and asked, "What good will Viagra do him?"

The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: One day the first grade teacher...

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" 

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"

One little girl raised her hand and said, 
"I think he said: 'Holy Mackerel! A talking chicken!'" 

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Moving Testimony

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." 

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"

[worldangel]

Joke: One afternoon a man came home ...

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their P.J.'s, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers thrown all about the front yard. The door to his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.

A lamp had been knocked over, and a throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, Breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand lay piled up by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and other piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried that she might be ill, or worse!!

He found her lounging into the bedroom, still in her pajamas, reading a novel.

She smiled, looked up at him and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "you know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes", he replied reluctantly.

She answered, "We'll, today I didn't do it!!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Restaurant

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.' 
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' 

The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 
'Do you mean a rose?' 

'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

[worldangel]

Joke: An acquaintance of mine who is...

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

Be still, my heart, thought my friend, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?" 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Romantic Ambush

A young associate is romantically ambushed in a darkened room of his law firm. After months of the social isolation that comes from eighty-hour work weeks, the associated is happy to reciprocate. However, when asked by a friend to identify the lover, she is puzzled. 

"All I know for sure is that it was one of the partners... I had to do all the work."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: He Doesn't Have to Run

A guy goes to his first baseball game. He caught on quickly. Every time the hitter would swing and get a hit, every one would start yelling, "RUN! RUN!" 

Then one runner started walking to 1st base, and the guy stands up and yells, "Run you lazy bastard! Run!" 

The kid sitting next to him says he can’t run. The guys asks, "Why not?" 

The kid then explains that the batter had 4 balls. Then the guy stands up and yells, "Walk proudly man!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Easy diagnosis....

A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.

"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.

The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

[worldangel]

Joke: Used Car

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them if they were stealing the car. They said "Heavens no, we bought it." 

He said, "Then why don't you drive it away". 
Each of the women said "We can't drive". 
The officer momentarily shook his head and then asked "Then why did you buy it?" 

They answered, "We were told if we bought a car here, we'd get screwed, so we are just waiting.

[worldangel]

Joke: Dead?

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the damn wall!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Cold Medicine

Mary and Liz (a blonde) were talkin in the office one day. Mary: "Wow, that is some cold you have Liz."

Liz: "Tell me about it. I just cannot get rid of it."

Mary: "Try some Cold-Doc 3. I have a bottle in my desk. Just take 3 tablespoons before you go to bed and you'll be fine.

Here ya go."

Liz: "Thanks, I'll give it a try."

Next Day

Liz was standing by her desk jumping up and down, waving her arms in the air and kicking her legs out.

Mary: "Liz, It is nice to see you are feeling better. Is that a new dance?"

Liz: "Oh No. I still don't feel that great. I took the medicine you gave me and just realized it said to shake well before using."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Little voices...

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. As he takes a sip of his beer, he hears a tiny little voice say: "Nice tie." He looks around but sees no one. He takes another sip of his beer and hears: "A nice shirt, too." Again he looks around and sees no one.

He signals the bartender over, and hesitantly explains that he's hearing voices talking to him... "Of course," smiles the bartender. "It's the peanuts -- they're complimentary."

[worldangel]

Joke: The Pickle


There was a guy on the beach with about 25 gorgeous chicks swarming all around him. 
Seeing this, a second guy strolls on up to him and asks, "What's your secret?" 
The guy whispers, "All you gotta do is stick a pickle in your pants." 

In a fluorish, the second guy runs off and stuffs a pickle in his pants. But when he returns to the shore, he soon discovers that every single girl that looks his way, runs off screaming in bloody terror. Confused, he hurries over to the first guy and desperately asks, "Why are all the girls running away from me?" 

The first guy looks up and replies, "The pickle's on the wrong side."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: You have been promoted!

 

Justin was driving to work when his mobile phone rang.

It was his boss, Mr. Jenkins. Mr. Jenkins informed Justin that he had been promoted.

Justin drove a mile further and the phone rang again. This time it was the Managing Director, Mr. Berton, who informed Justin that he had been promoted to the boss's job.

After some time, the phone rang once again and the call was from Mr. Bell, the Chairman, and he said that Justin had been promoted to Managing Director.

Just then Justin lost control and crashed into a tree.

When the cops arrived and asked what happened, Justin replied he just careered of the road.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The twins....

A family had twin boys whose only resemblance to each other was their looks. If one felt it was too hot, the other thought it was too cold. If one said the TV was too loud, the other claimed the volume needed to be turned up. Opposite in every way, one was an eternal optimist, the other a doom & gloom pessimist. Just to see what would happen, on the twins' birthday their father loaded the pessimist's room with every imaginable toy and game. The optimist's room he loaded with horse manure.

That night the father passed by the pessimist's room and found him sitting amid his new gifts crying bitterly.

"Why are you crying?" the father asked.

"Because my friends will be jealous, I'll have to read the all these instructions before I can do anything with this stuff, I'll constantly need batteries, and my toys will eventually get broken." answered the pessimist twin.

Passing the optimist twin's room, the father found him dancing for joy in the pile of manure. "What are you so happy about?" he asked.

To which his optimist twin replied, "There's got to be a pony in here somewhere!"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A traveler wandering on an island...

A traveler wandering on an island inhabited by cannibals comes upon a butcher shop. This shop specialized in human brains sorted out according to source.

The sign in the shop read:
Artists' Brains $9/lb
Philosophers' Brains $12/lb
Scientists' Brains $15/lb
Blondes' Brains $100/lb

Upon reading the sign, the traveler noted, "My, those beekeepers' brains are expensive - they must be very powerful!"

The butcher replied, "Not really. They're expensive because it takes so many Blondes to get one pound of brains!!"