Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Looks are deceiving...

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.

"Isn't there some way to judge the size of a man's equipment from the outside?" she asked earnestly.

"The only foolproof way, is by the size of his feet" counseled the therapist.

So the woman went downtown and proceeded to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had ever laid her eyes on. She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him, and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.

When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already gone but, by the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy a pair of shoes that fit you."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Buy That Woman A Drink

A guy at the bar sits down and sees a beautiful creature sitting at the other end of the bar. He calls the bartender over and says, “Bring me a whiskey, and buy that woman a drink.” 

The bartender tells him, “Listen, pal. Save your money. She’s a lesbian.” 

“A lesbian?" says the guy. “It doesn’t matter. Buy her a drink.” 

The bartender brings the guy his whiskey and then gets a drink for the woman. Upon receiving her drink the woman looks over at the man, takes a sip, nods her thanks, and then looks away, returning to her drink. A few moments later he insists on buying her another drink, and so the bartender gets the woman another drink.

She nods her thanks to the guy, but that’s it. This happens five or six more times, but the woman just sits over at the other end of the bar, minding her own business. By now, though, the guy is getting pretty looped, so he goes over to the woman and slurs, “Excuse me, can I ask you something?” 

The woman replies, “Sure.” 

“So tell me,” says the guy, “where in Lesbia are you from?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Maybe He Went Fishing -

A Sunday school teacher was discussing with her class how Noah might have spent his time on the ark. 

A little girl volunteered, “Maybe he went fishing?” 

A boy countered, “With only two worms?”

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: I Can't Get Out of My Room

A sales executive was helping a new trainee prepare for her first weekend sales convention. Upon their arrival in New York, the boss showed her the best places to eat, shop, and stay. 

The following morning, as the group was organizing their material for the day’s presentation, the executive noticed the trainee was missing. He called the hotel where she was staying to ask what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said, “I can’t get out of my room!” 

“You can’t get out of your room? Why not?” asked the boss. 

“There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed. “One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says Do Not Disturb!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Heart to Heart Talk

A woman has a heart to heart talk with her sister. “Sis, I have two boyfriends and I’m very, very happy. One guy is kind, considerate, giving, and handsome.” 

“Then why do you need the second one?” 

“He’s straight.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What was the first ...

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? 

WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' 

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you? 

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Mother of Six

Peter had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that for years he called his wife, Sara, "Mother of Six," in spite of her regular objections.

One evening, in their retirement years, they go to a party. It is late and Peter is ready to go home and wants to find out if Sara is ready to leave as well.

Pater bellows at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home, Mother of Six?'
Sara, greatly irritated by Peter's lack of discretion over so many years, yells back at him, 'Anytime you're ready, "Father of Four".'
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Things sure have changed...

For the first time in many years, a an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents."

"Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Get Me Off This Train

One day a man took the train from Paris to Frankfurt. When he got in he said to the ticket man: 

"Sir. I really need you to do me a favor, I have to get down this train in Mannheim, but I'm very tired and it is for sure that I will fall asleep. So what I want you to do is that you wake me up in Mannheim because I have to close a business there and it is very important for me. Here you have 100 francs for the favor. But I warn you sometimes when people wake me up I get really violent, but no matters what I do or say you got to get me out of this train in Mannheim. Is that clear?" 

So the ticket man agreed and took the 100 francs. Later as the man had said he fall asleep, and when he woke up he realized that he was in Frankfurt. He was so mad at the ticket man that he ran over and started yelling at the ticket man. 

"Are you stupid or something??? I paid you 100 francs so that you wake me up in Mannheim. And you didn't, so I want my money back!" 
While the man was yelling at the ticket guy, two other guys that were also in the train were looking at them, so one turns to the other and says to him: 

Man 1: "Look at this guy! He is mad!" 
Man 2: "Yeah! He's almost as mad as the guy they made get out of the train in Mannheim." 

[worldangel]

Joke: An elderly married couple...

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together. After the husband's examination, the doctor then said to him, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like discuss with me?"

"In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly."

"This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do some research and get back to you."

After examining the elderly wife, the doctor said to her, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that old buzzard!" she replied.

"That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Facts of life...

Morris asks his son, now aged 13, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

[worldangel]

Joke: We judge on results...

A minister has just died and is standing on line waiting to be judges and admitted to Heaven. While waiting he asks the man in front of him about himself. "I'm a taxi driver from Noo Youk Cidy"

Suddenly the angel standing at the gate calls out next, and the taxi driver steps up. The angel hands him a golden staff and a cornucopia of fruits, cheeses and wine and lets him pass. The taxi driver is quite pleased, and proceeds through the gates.

Next, the minister steps up to the angel and the angel hands him a wooden staff and some bread and water. The minister is very concerned and asks the angel, "That guy is a taxi driver and gets a golden staff and a cornucopia! I spend my entire life as a minister and get nothing! How can that be?"

The angel replies, "Up here we judge on results, all of your people sleep through your sermons, in his taxi, they pray."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde Horse Ride

This blonde had a near death experience the other day.
She climbed on top of a horse, and all of a sudden it started moving.

She was a little frightened, this was her first time, but she kept on the horse. Then the horse started going fast and got out of control, and the blonde couldn't stay on, she fell of, but her foot got stuck, and she was dragging on the ground.

She started screaming, and was in great pain.

Then the Walmart manager came outside and unplugged the horse.

[worldangel]

Joke: A young lady came home from a ...

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Never tasted

Jock was traveling by train seated next to a stern-faced clergyman. As Jock pulled out a bottle of whiskey from his pocket the clergyman glared and said reprovingly, "Look here, I am sixty-five and I have never tasted whiskey in my life!"

"Dinna worry, Minister," smiled Jock, pouring himself a dram. "There's no risk of you starting now!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Did You Make A Donation?

At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"

He calls up the lawyer.
"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"
The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"

The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."
"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"
The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."

"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"
The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."
"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"

[worldangel]

Joke: I'm Only After One Thing

A man parks his car at the supermarket and is walking past an empty cart when he hears a woman ask, “Excuse me, do you want that cart?" 

“No,” he answers, “I’m only here for one thing.” 

As he gets closer to the store, he hears the woman murmur under her breath, “Typical male!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It's My Turn Tonight

Forty men attended a counseling session to exchange views on their sex patterns after marriage. After a short briefing, the counselor asked how many of them have sex with their wives only once a week. Half of the men raised their hands. 

The counselor then asked how many have sex with their wives only once every two weeks. Twelve of the remaining twenty men put up their hands, a little embarrassed. 

"I presume then the rest of you do have sex with your wives only once a month?" All, except for one of the remaining eight acknowledged. The counselor turned his attention to this odd looking guy sitting at the corner of the class, giggling to himself. "Sir, I am sorry to ask, but why are you still smiling since you are not enjoying the same frequency as the rest?" 

To this the timid man said, "Tonight is the night."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Talcum Powder in the Underwear

One evening a husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, "Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in Slim Fast. Maybe it will take a few inches off of your butt!" 

His wife was not amused and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this?" he said to himself, as a little dust cloud appeared when he shook them out. "April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?" 

She replied with a snicker, "It's not talcum powder, it's Miracle Grow!"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Have You Seen Ilene?

This guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender looks at the guy and says, "Have you seen Ilene?" 

The guy is rather confused and asks, "Ilene who?" The bartender replies, "I lean over and you kiss my ass." 

Well the man was offended by this and walks out the door and into the bar across the street. So he sits down and orders a beer. While he is drinking his beer he tells the bartender what the other bartender said to him. The bartender then told him," You know what you should do, you should go back over there and ask him if he has seen Ben. And when he says Ben who, you say 'I bend over and you kiss my ass.'" 

So the guy goes back across the street and asks the bartender if he has seen Ben. And the Bartender says, "Yep, He just went out the door with Ilene." 

The guy asks, "Ilene who?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Borrowing A Mule

There was a guy in the middle of the desert and his car broke down.
He started walking and he came to a monastery, where he asked them if he could borrow a mule.

The monks lent him one, and they explained that you had to say "Thank the Lord!" to make it go and "Amen!" to make it stop.

So the man said, "Thank the Lord, thank the Lord and thank the Lord!" and the mule took off! He was coming to the edge of a cliff and he forgot how to make it stop.

Finally, at the very edge he remembered, "Amen!" The guy was so relieved he shouted, "Thank the Lord!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A motorist caught by a speed camera ...

A motorist caught by a speed camera received notification of a fine in the mail, plus a picture of his vehicle.

Duly impressed, he sent back the notification along with a photo of a $100 note to pay the fine.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Crazy Expressions

Expression is crazy. How about the one, What is crawled up your ass and died?

That’s a strange one; it means a person in a bad mood or whatever. It doesn’t make any sense.

I think that one would be in a worse mood if said thing were still alive.

[worldangel]

Joke: A plus

A college girl was supposed to write a short story in as few words as possible for her English class and the instructions were that it had to include Religion, Sexuality and Mystery.

She was the only one who received an A+ and this is what she wrote:
"Good Goodness, I'm pregnant, I wonder who did it."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man walks into a bar and ...

A man walks into a bar and he's really pissed. The bartender gives him a drink and asks what the problem is. All he says is, "all lawyers are a*******." 

A man sitting in the corner shouts, "I take offense to that!" 

The pissed-off guy asks him, "why? Are you a lawyer?" 
He replies, "no, I’ am”

[worldangel]

Joke: A champion jockey is about to ...

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me--it's this bloody horse. What is he--deaf or something?"

The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Reservations for a table

James arrived at a popular restaurant and was dismayed to find it very crowded. Approaching the hostess James asked, 'Will it be long?'

The hostess, seemingly ignoring James, continued writing in her reservations book.
Thinking she had possibly not heard him the first time, James decided to ask again. 'How much time is the wait for a table?'

Looking up from her book, the hostess smiled and said, 'Oh, only about ten minutes. We will inform you when your table is ready.'

A short time later, James heard an announcement over the intercom system, 'Willette B. Long...... Willette B. Long, your table is ready.'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy walks into a bar, sits a...

A guy walks into a bar, sits at the counter and said "Drinks, everybody on me, even you bar tender" on my tab. Everyone got a drink and thanked the man. After a while he man said "Drinks, everybody on me, even you bar tender. Put it on my tab." Everybody got their drinks and thanked the man. The bar tender pulled the man to the side and asked him "You know this is going to be a lot of money, can you pay for this? The man said "No".

 

The bar tender took the man in the back, beat him up, and threw him out the back door. The man brushed himself off, and went back into the bar. He sat down and said "Drinks, everybody, on me. Except for you bartender, you don't know how to act when you get drunk.

[worldangel]

Joke: An apple a day....

While visiting a friend who was in the hospital, I noticed several pretty nurses, each of whom was wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. I asked one nurse what the pin signified. "Nothing," she said with a smile. "It's just to keep the doctors away."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Make Up Your Mind

A woman with a toothache goes to visit her dentist. The dentist tells her the tooth will have to be pulled. 

She says, "Oh, no! I think I'd rather have a baby than have a tooth pulled." 

The dentist replies, "Well, make up your mind. I'll have to adjust the chair."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sausage Factory

There once was a man who owned a sausage factory, and he was showing his arrogant preppy son around his factory. Try as he might to impress his snobbish son, his son would just sneer.

They approached the heart of the factory, where the father thought, "This should impress him!" He showed his son a machine and said "Son, this is the heart of the factory. With this machine here we can put in a pig, and out come sausages. 

The prudish son, unimpressed, said "Yes, but do you have a machine where you can put in a sausage and out comes a pig?" 

The father, furious, thought and said, "Yes son, we call it your mother."

[worldangel]

Joke: Some people get lucky and kill...

Some people get lucky and kill two birds with one stone. Chuck Norris once killed four birds with half a stone.

What's that? You say there's no such thing as half a stone? The four dead birds didn't think so either.

[worldangel]

Joke: Hair Spray

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole." 

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hairspray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then he puts the worm back into the hole. 

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hairspray, and runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the little boy another five dollars. The little boy says, 
"Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." 

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma.
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Shoe blues

One evening after office, I drove my secretary home since her car would not start. I decided not to bother my wife, Jane, so did not mention it to her.

Later that night, I was driving out with Jane to eat when then I noticed a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract my wife, I picked up the shoe and tossed it out of my window.

We arrived at the restaurant a short time later, and were about to get out of the car when Jane asked, 'John, have you seen my other shoe?'

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Kiss

One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. She picked a little boy to do the first test. She blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is? 

"No, I don't," said the little boy 
"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work." 

Suddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of ass!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Subway Party

Two small-town merchants were visiting New York City for the first time to attend a conference.
There was a large party thrown, with lots of food and drink. At the end of the party, they both staggered outside.

One guy crossed the street, while the other stumbled into a subway entrance.

When the 1st guy reached the other side of the street, he noticed the other emerging from the subway stairs.

"Where ya been?" he slurred.

"I don't know," gushed the other guy, "but you should see the train set that guy has in his basement!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Eggs

A farmer in the country noticed that a gentleman would fish at the lake (close to the farmer's house) and would always leave with a stringer full of fish. The fellow had a boat but a fishing pole was not to be seen. 

A drunk staggers into a diner and orders a couple of eggs. The waiter, suspecting that they've run out, goes back to question the chef. "Hey, Gus, do we have any more eggs?" 

Gus replies, "I ran out of fresh eggs, I only have two rotten eggs left." 
The waiter says, "Give him the rotten eggs. He's so bombed he won't know the difference." 

Gus scrambles up the rotten eggs and heaps on hash browns, sausage and toast. The drunk is so hungry he wolfs down the breakfast without comment. He goes to pay the cashier and asks, "Where'd you get those eggs?" 
She replies, "We have our own chicken farm." 

The drunk asks, "Do you have a rooster? 
"No," she says. 
The drunk replies, "Well, you'd better get one, because some skunk is screwing your chickens."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Another Mother-in-law joke

I was driving past my mother-in-law's home when I saw her being accosted by 5 men, who proceeded to kick and bruise her.

My friend seated next to me asked, "Aren't you going to help?"
I replied, "No. These five will manage."

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Buy a grade...

A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait.

Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."

The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A young man was walking through...

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable.

 

It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man. 

As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
 

Edited September 7, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Chicken Gun

Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields. 

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers. 
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow.. 

The horrified engineers sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions. 
Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo: Defrost the chicken.. 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blondes working on a house

Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"

The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You moron! The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Dexter Nursing Home

The Dexter Nursing Home regulations made it mandatory to have a wheel chair for patients being discharged. 

Alice, the trainee nurse, found an old guy already dressed and seated on the bed with a suitcase at his feet. Alice offered help but the old man insisted he could make it on his own and didn't need help to leave the hospital. 

Alice reminded him that she had to follow rules, so he reluctantly let the nurse wheel him to the elevator. 

On the way down, Alice asked him if his wife was coming to meet him.
'I don't know,' said the old man. 'Guess she is still up in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Shoulda Said

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.

''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''

''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.''

''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of a house?''

''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.

''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''

''Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?''

''Ruff!"

''What the hell you tryin' to pull mister?''

''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''

"Ruth."

The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.

"Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Ex-Girlfriend

A man and his wife are dining at a table in a plush restaurant, and the husband keeps staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sits alone at a nearby table. 

The wife asks, "Do you know her?" 

"Yes," sighs the husband, "she's my ex-girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up seven years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since." 

"My Goodness!" says the wife. "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Where babies from?

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.
Mother, where do babies come from?

Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.

Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

Jewelry, dear.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How to Cure a Headache

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor.

The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies. "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and...."

He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs
together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes".

Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?"

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough.

And, by the way you have a lovely home."

[worldangel]

Joke: In jail

Two old men, John and David, met at a park.

John said, "Hey, where have you been all these years?"

David replied, "I was in jail."

"What? What did you do?" asked John.

David said, "Well, I was standing at the marketplace when this pretty young thing appeared with a policeman, pointed to me and said, 'That's the guy, Officer. He's the one who raped me'."

"What? And you let her accuse you like that?" exclaimed John.

"Well, you know I felt so flattered, I had to admit to it," replied David.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A young man tutored his ...

A young man tutored his sweetheart maths, he thought of it as his mission, he kissed her once then once again and said "There, that's addition!"

She took it upon herself to return the pleasant action, she kissed once and once again, smiled and said "and that's subtraction!"

Now she'd learned the basics without too much complication, they kissed each other once, then twice, and said "that must be multiplication!"

Meanwhile the young lady's father had this 'lesson' in his vision, he kicked that boy ten foot out the door and said "Then that is long division!"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Things were tougher

There were three prostitutes living together, a mother, daughter and grandmother.
One night the daughter came home looking very down. "How did you do tonight?" asked her mother.

"Not too good," replied the daughter. "I only got $20 for a blow job."

"Wow!" said the mother, "In my day we gave a blow job for 50 cents!"

"My Goodness!" said the grandmother. "In my day we were just glad to get something warm in our stomachs!"