Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: It'll Be Just Like Before

A retired four-star general ran into his former orderly, also retired, in a Washington bar and spent the rest of the evening persuading him to come to work for him as his valet. 

“Your duties will be exactly the same as they were in the army,” the general said. “Nothing to it, you’ll catch on again fast.” 

Next morning promptly at seven o’clock, the ex-orderly entered the general’s bedroom, pulled open the drapes, gave the general a gently shake, strode around to the other side of the bed, spanked his employer’s wife on her bottom and said, “OK, sweetheart, it’s back to the village for you.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: How Did He Know?

A man gave his blonde wife a cell phone for their 1st anniversary. He showed her how to use it and she absolutely loved it. 

One day when she was at the hairdresser, her phone rang. She turned it on and heard her husband's voice, "Hi Honey, how's the phone working out?" 

"It's great, but how did you know where to reach me?"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Why Did You Stop?

A man and his wife are in bed. She feels his hand rubbing her shoulder. “Oh, that feels good,” she says. 

His hand moves to her breast. “Gee, honey, that feels wonderful.” His hand moves to her leg. “Oh, honey, don’t stop.” 

But he stops. "Why did you stop?" she asks. 

“I found the remote.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: More beer

A man came home from an exhausting day at work, plopped down on the couch in front of the television, and told his wife: "Get me a beer before it starts!"

The wife sighed and got him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he said: "Get me another beer before it starts!"

She looked cross, but fetched another beer and slammed it down next to him. He finished that beer and a few minutes later said: "Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!"

The wife was furious. "Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob and furthermore..."

The man sighed and said: "It's started."

[worldangel]

Joke: Wrong wish

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another fellow and immediately notices that the guy has a very large disposable Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy says: "Wow, cool lighter. Where did you get it?"

The second guy replies: "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?" the first guy asks.
"Sure," the second guy replies.

The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish," says the genie.
The first guy says: "I want a million bucks!"
"Done," says the genie and disappears.

A few minutes go by, and suddenly the bar door swings open and thousands and thousands of ducks start pouring in.
"I can't believe this," says the first guy: "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"

The second guy turns to him and says: "Do you really think I wished for a 12-inch Bic?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Twitter addict

Twitter addict receives phone call from his doctor.
The doctor says: “I have some good news and some bad news.”

Twitter addict: “OK, give me the good news first.”

The doctor says: “The good news is, you've got only 24 more hours to live.”

Twitter addict: “Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?”

The doctor says: “The bad news is, Twitter is down.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bulk mail...

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A little boy was sitting outside

A little boy was sitting outside a store eating one snickers candy bar after another, when an older man walked up and said: "You shouldn't be eating so much candy, it'll rot your teeth, it's just bad for you to eat so much candy."

The little boy looked up and said: "My grandfather lived to be 95 years old."

The older man asked: "Oh? by eating snickers candy bars?" 
The little boy said: "No... by minding his own business."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: An acquaintance of mine who is...

An acquaintance of mine who is a physician told this story about her then-four-year-old daughter. On the way to preschool, the doctor had left her stethoscope on the car seat, and her little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

Be still, my heart, thought my friend, gee, my daughter wants to follow in my footsteps and be a doctor! Then the child spoke into the instrument: "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: DINKS vs. TINS

Everyone knows that when you have two people in the household that work and have no kids, they are called "DINKS". Stands for 'Double Income - No Kids'. 

What do you call them after they have kids? They are called "TINS". Stands for 'Two incomes - No Sex'.

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Three old ladies are sitting in...

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just waken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Problems Remembering

Patient: Doctor, I have a serious memory problem. I can't remember anything!
Doctor: So, since when did you have this problem?
Patient: What problem?

A variation
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?
Patient: What pills?

[worldangel]

Joke: Front Lawn

These two guys are carpooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored.
So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on someone's front lawn.

"Look," he shouts "What are the those dogs doing? Are they fighting?"

The passenger, being a man of the world, replies "They are having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?".

The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style.

So the passenger says "You have to try it. It's pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position."

The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try.

So the next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks "Well. How did it go?"

To which the driver replies "It was great. But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn.!!!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bulk mail...

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says "I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'"

"But why?" asks the man.

"I'm a divorce lawyer," the man replies.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Hit with a maple leaf

A little old man was escorted into the witness box. He was sworn in and asked by the lawyer to explain what happened.

After a lengthy discussion of the events leading up to the incident he finally got around to the meat of the case: ‘And then she hit me with a maple leaf.'

‘A maple leaf? Surely that couldn't have caused you any serious injury,' said the lawyer.

‘Are you kidding?' exclaimed the old man. ‘It was the leaf from the centre of our dining room table.'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What kind of car was he driving?

A man was annoyed when his wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn’t gotten the license number. What kind of car was he driving? the husband asked.

I don’t know, she said. I never can tell one car from another.

At that, the man decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.

It worked.

About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face. Darling, she said. I hit a Buick!

[worldangel]

Joke: Scarecrow

A husband and wife are standing at the window admiring their garden.

‘Sooner or later you're going to have to make a proper scarecrow to keep the birds off the flower beds,' says the wife.
‘What's wrong with the one we've got?' asks the husband.

‘Nothing, replies the wife. ‘But Mother's arms are getting tired.'

[worldangel]

Joke: From a passenger ship one can ...

From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving is hands.

"Who is it?" a passenger asks the captain.

"I've no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad."

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Pick-up line comebacks...

He: Haven't we met before?
She: Yes, I'm the receptionist at the Bad Breath Clinic.

He: Is this seat empty?
She: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

He: So, wanna go back to my place?
She: I don't know. Can two people fit under a rock?

He: Your place or mine?
She: Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine.

He: So what do you do for a living?
She: I'm a female impersonator.

He: Hey, baby, what's your sign?

She: Do Not Enter

He: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
She: Unfertilized.

He: Hey, we're both here for the same reason.
She: Right, let's pick up some chicks.

He: I want to give myself to you.
She: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

He: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
She: If I saw you naked, I'd die laughing.

He: I know how to please a woman.
She: Then please leave me alone.

He: I'd go to the end of the world for you.
She: Sure, but would you stay there?

[worldangel]

Joke: Two guys were fishing down by ...

Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?" 

Guy number one replied, " I don’t know.... why don’t ya come on over here?" 
"I don’t know.... I don’t see a bridge, and their aint no boat, and I don’t swim to well"

Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, " Why don’t you walk across this here beam off light?"

Guy number two was outraged and replied "do you think am stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: A Blonde Bet

A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump, and the redhead replied, "I'll take that bet!"

Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50 she owed. The redhead said "I can't take this, you're my friend"
The blonde said "No! A bet's a bet".

So the redhead said "Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money"
The blonde replied "well, so did I, but I never thought he'd jump again!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A fellow tries to cross the ...

A fellow tries to cross the Mexican border on a bicycle with two big bags balanced on his shoulders. The guard asks, 'What's in the bags?'

The fellow says, 'Sand!'

The guard wants to examine them. The fellow gets off the bike, places the bags on the ground, opens them up, and the guard inspects... only to find sand. The fellow packs the sand, places the bags on his shoulders, and pedals the bike across the border.

Two weeks later, the same situation is repeated...

'What have you there?'

'Sand'

'We want to examine.'

Same results... nothing but sand and the fellow is on his way again.

Every two weeks for six months the inspections continue. Finally, one week the fellow didn't show up. However, the guard sees him downtown and says to the fellow, 'Buddy, you had us crazy. We sort of knew you were smuggling something. I won't say anything - what were you smuggling?'

The fellow says, 'Bicycles.'

[worldangel]

Joke: Crystal ball

A woman comes home from psychic fair with a crystal ball she's just bought.
‘How much was that?' asks her husband.

‘Thirty pounds,' answers the woman.
‘Thirty!' says the husband. ‘They must have seen you coming.'

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Wedding Preparation

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a chemists. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”
The chemist answers, “Yes.”

Jacob: “We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
Chemist: “Of course we do.”

Jacob: “Medicine for rheumatism?”
Chemist: “Definitely.”

Jacob: “Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, and Alzheimer's?”
Chemist: “Yes, a large variety. The works.”

Jacob: “What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?”
Chemist: “Absolutely.”

Jacob: “Everything for heartburn and indigestion?”
Chemist: “We sure do.”

Jacob: “You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
Chemist: “All speeds and sizes.”

Jacob: “In that case, we'd like to use this store for our wedding present’s list.”
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A new sofa...

An elderly woman entered a large furniture store and was greeted by a much younger salesman.

"Is there something in particular I can show you?" he asked.

"Yes, I want to buy a sexual sofa."

"You mean a sectional sofa," he suggested.

"Sectional, schmectional." she bitterly retorted. "All I want is an occasional piece in the living room!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Sexy Librarian
 

I have brown hair and I wear these glasses, and I usually have my hair up in a bun, so the other thing guys have often said to me is, You’re like a sexy librarian. You’re like a sexy librarian type. You’re a sexy librarian.

And I’m like, I’ve always thought of myself as more of a bookish whore. Sort of, you know, less of a nerd, more of a slut.

[worldangel]

Joke: Two lawyers

Two lawyers were walking along, negotiating a case.

"Look," said one to the other, "let's be honest with each other."

"Okay, you first," replied the other.

That was the end of the discussion.

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: TWO tigers are walking through...

TWO tigers are walking through the jungle when the one at the back licks the behind of the one in front. The lead tiger turns and says: "Hey, cut it out." The other tiger says sorry and they continue on their way. Five minutes later the rear tiger licks the other's backside again. The front tiger gets angry, but the other tiger just apologises.

After another five minutes, he does it again. The front tiger turns and says: "What is it with you? I told you to stop." The other tiger says: "I really am sorry but I just ate a lawyer and I'm just trying to get the taste out of my mouth."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Animal Orgasms

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looks at him wistfully, smiles, and replies, "Oh yeah? Why don't you prove it."

He frowns for a moment, then says, "Okay."

He then gets up and walks out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.

About a half an hour later, he returns all tired and sweaty and proclaims, "Well I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig's always squealing, how can you tell?"
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A woman is walking on the road...

A woman is walking on the road and a voice shouts out, "Don't take a step further." She obeys and suddenly a ton of bricks fall on the place where she would have otherwise been. She thinks she imagined it and keeps walking until suddenly the voice calls out again.

"Don't take a step further." She stops and a car skids past. Then suddenly she hears the voice saying "I am your guardian angel, and I will warn you before something bad happen to you. Now do you have any questions to ask me?" Yes! Shouts the woman, "Just where were you on my wedding day!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Fingers

A guy was packing for a business trip and his three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. 
At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers. 

Trying to keep her entertained, he reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in his mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them and then went back to packing. 

He looked up again and his daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face. 
He said, "What's wrong, honey?" 
She replied, "What happened to my boogie?
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man and a woman were ….

A man and a woman were involved in a terrible car accident and both cars were totaled. They climbed from the wreckage and the woman stood in awe. ''Our cars are demolished, yet we walk unharmed. This must be a sign from the Heaven that we are to be best friends for the rest of our lives,'' she spoke wisely.

''I agree completely, ma'am,'' the man replied.

The woman stepped closer to examine the damage and noticed something shiny within her car. Reaching in, she pulled out an unbroken bottle. ''This bottle of wine wasn't even cracked. I think this is another sign that we are to drink a toast to our new friendship.''

''That's a great idea, miss,'' the man answered taking the bottle from her. He popped the cork and drank his share.

''I'm sorry. How rude of me. Would you like some?''

''No, thanks,'' came the reply. ''I'll just wait on the cops to get here.''
 

[worldangel]

Joke: School Report

Our 15-year-old daughter, Melanie, had to write a report for school about World War II, specifically D-Day and the invasion of Normandy.
“Isn't there a movie about that?” she asked.

I told her there was, but I couldn't think of the name.

Then it came to her, “Oh, I remember! Isn't it something like ‘Finding Private Nemo'?”

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Getting Attacked

I always think, what would I do if someone tried to get me? My first thought is just something dumb, like I’d try to pick my nose and just be gross.

In my mind a rapist is just some white hat frat boy who’d just be like, Ugh nasty, forget it. Learn some manners.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man walks into a bar and say...

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye." The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone do that!" So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it.

The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away. He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye." Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk in here -- you can't be blind!" So he takes out his fake teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Transformation

An old lady is polishing a lamp when a genie suddenly appears and offers her three wishes.

‘I'd like to be young and beautiful again,' says the old lady. ‘I'd like this cottage to be a fine mansion, and I'd like my cat, Whiskers, to be a handsome prince.' The genie grants these wishes and the old lady, the cottage and Whiskers are all transformed.

The beautiful young woman swoons into the handsome prince's arms and he gently whispers in her ear, ‘Now I bet you wish you hadn't taken me to the vet for that little operation.'

[worldangel]

Joke: A trip to the dentist...

A woman phoned her dentist when she received a huge bill.

"I'm shocked!" she complained.

"This is three times what you normally charge."

"Yes, I know," said the dentist. "But you screamed so loudly, you scared away two other patients."

[worldangel]

Joke: A Very Minor Sin

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates he was asked by the gatekeeper, "Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?" "Yes," the professor answered.

"When I was a young candidate at the Hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against a team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now."

"Well," said the gatekeeper. "That is a very minor sin. You may enter."
"Thank you very much, Saint Peter," the professor answered. 
"You're welcome, but I am not Saint Peter," said the gatekeeper. "He is having his lunch break. I am Saint Lucas."

[worldangel]

Joke: Three young boys were boasting...

Three young boys were boasting about their grandpas. The first boy said: "My grandpa is a great swimmer. He can swim for hours before getting out of the water!"

The second boy said, "That's nothing. My grandpa always goes swimming at 6:00 in the morning every day, and only comes back at 9:00 pm because my mom says he has to!"

The third boy says, "Your grandpas are both bad at swimming! My grandpa started swimming in this pond 20 years ago, and he hasn't come out since!!!"

[worldangel]

Joke: I Have Chapped Lips

Two farmers walking through a field. One stoops down and dips his fingers in some cow dung and rubs it across his lips. 

The second farmer asks him why he did such a disgusting thing. The first one replies, "I have chapped lips!" 

The second one asks him, "Does it make them better?" 

He replies, "No, but it stops you from licking them!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pulling My Hair Out

Two guys start a business. They invested all their money into it. Something goes wrong and they lose all their money. The one guy is going crazy and pulling his hair out. The other guy is perfectly calm just standing there with his hands in his pocket. 

The first guy says to him, ”How can you just sit there? I'm over here pulling my hair out!" 

The calm guy, just standing there with his hands still in his pocket, responds, "Oh, I’m pulling my hair out too."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: One day a man is walking down ...

One day a man is walking down the street when he sees an old man with a nice looking dog. He goes over to the man and asks: 'does your dog bite?' the old man replies 'No never'.

 

When the man bends down to stroke the dog, it immediately takes a snap at his hand. The man says 'I thought you said your dog did not bite! 'I did' replies the old man, but this isn't my dog!'

 

Edited September 12, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde swimmer

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out.

 

The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde". The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."

Edited September 12, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Bathtub

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started. 

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was that defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized. 

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." 
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." 

"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Helicopter Flying Lessons

A blonde went to a flight school insisting she wanted to learn to fly.

As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter.

He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way. After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A prisoner in jail receives a ...

A prisoner in jail receives a letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"

 

The prisoner, knowing that the prison guards read all mail, replied in a letter: "Dear Wife, whatever you do, do not touch the back garden. That is where I hid all the money." A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife: "Dear Husband, You wouldn't believe what happened, some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up all the back garden."

 

The prisoner wrote another letter back: "Dear wife, now is the best time to plant the lettuce."
 

Edited September 12, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: A husband and wife at a hotel ...

A husband and wife at a hotel asked for a 6am alarm call. On the stroke of 6, the phone rang and a voice said: "This is your wake-up call."

 

The guest said thanks and put the phone down. A minute later the phone rang again and the voice said: "This is your wake-up call."

 

Annoyed, the husband said: "You phoned only a minute ago." "I know," replied the receptionist, "but there are two of you."

 

 

Edited September 12, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: 40 year curse

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.

The Wizard says: "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.

The old man says without hesitation: "I now pronounce you man and wife."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Six guys were playing poker when...

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him. 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: As horny as hell

A guy is horny a hell - but broke. He goes to a whorehouse with $5.00, and begs the Madame to give him whatever she can for it.
She says "I'm sorry, but that will only cover the rent for ten minutes, and none of my hookers work for free!"

The guy gets the room, but has nothing to fuck. He looks out on the ledge of the building and sees a pigeon.

Quietly, he opens the window, grabs the poor bird and just fucks the living shit out of it. Satisfied, he goes home.

Next week, he returns to the whorehouse, with his pay cheque. He says to the Madame, "I got lots of money now...give me a hooker!".

The Madame replies "All of them are busy now, why don't you go to the peep show and get yourself in the mood?".

The guy does, and is enjoying the show, when he turns to the guy next to him and says, "Hey, these chicks really know what they're doing huh?",

The guy responds, "Yeah, but you should have been here last week, there was this guy fucking a pigeon!"