Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Letter to Company

After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.
Several weeks later he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, tooth paste, and paper items.

“Well, what do you think?” his wife asked smiling.

“Next time,” he replied. “I'm writing to General Motors!”


 

[worldangel]

Joke: What happened here???

A guy comes home in the middle of the day, finds his wife standing in the middle of their deluxe apartment wearing a red G-string, high heels, and the whole apartment is flooded.

"What happened here?" he asks.

"I think the waterbed busted," says the trembling wife.

Just then a guy floats by.

"Who's that?" demands the husband.

"I dunno. Must be a lifeguard."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Joe had asked Bob to help him ...

Joe had asked Bob to help him out with the deck after work, so Bob just went straight over to Joe's place. When they got to the door, Joe went straight to his wife, gave her a hug and told her how beautiful she was and how much he had missed her at work. When it was time for supper, he complimented his wife on her cooking, kissed her and told her how much he loved her.

Once they were working on the deck, Bob told Joe that he was surprised that he fussed so much over his wife. Joe said that he'd started this about six months ago, it had revived their marriage, and things couldn't be better. Bob thought he'd give it a go. When he got home, he gave his wife a massive hug, kissed her and told her that he loved her. His wife burst into tears.

Bob was confused and asked why she was crying. She said, "This is the worst day of my life. First, little Billy fell off his bike and twisted his ankle. Then, the washing machine broke and flooded the basement. And now, you come home drunk!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Play a Game

One day little Johnny went to school. His teacher said they were going to play a game. She would place an object behind her and describe it. 
The first person to get it got a piece of candy. First she said, "The object is red and grows on trees." 

A kid raised his hand and said "an apple" the teacher said correct. 
Then she said, "The object is flat and comes in different colors" a different kid raises his hand and said it is a notebook! 

The teacher said correct. 
Then Johnny said, "ooh! ooh! Can I try?" 
The teacher said yes. 
He stood up and put his hand in his pocket. He said "The object is round, hard, and has a head on it." 

The teacher said "JOHNNY! GO TO THE OFFICE!!" 
Johnny said, "No it's a quarter!"
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Two newlyweds...

Two newlyweds are riding in the back of a limo on the way to their honeymoon boat cruise. The husband says, "Honey, I want to stop and pick up some condoms before we go."

"Good idea," she says. "While you're in there, pick me up some Dramamine (sea sickness medicine)."

The groom gets out, walks into the drugstore and says to the clerk, "I'd like a box of condoms and a package of Dramamine, please."

"Yes sir, says the clerk, "but do you mind if I ask you a question? If it makes you nauseous, why do you do it?"

[worldangel]

Joke: Three envelopes...

Sometime after Sidney died, his widow, Tillie, was finally able to speak about what a thoughtful and wonderful man her late husband had been.

"Sidney thought of everything," she told them. "Just before he died, Sidney called me to his bedside. He handed me three envelopes. `Tillie,' he told me, 'I have put all my last wishes in these three envelopes. After I am dead, please open them and do exactly as I have instructed. Then I can rest in peace'."

"What was in the envelopes?" her friends asked.

"The first envelope contained $5,000 with a note, 'Please use this money to buy a nice casket.' So I bought a beautiful mahogany casket with such a comfortable lining that I know Sidney is resting very comfortably.

"The second envelope contained $10,000 with a note, 'Please use this for a nice funeral.' I arranged Sidney a very dignified funeral and bought all his favorite foods for everyone attending."

"And the third envelope?" asked her friends.

"The third envelope contained $25,000 with a note, 'Please use this to buy a nice stone.'

Holding her hand in the air and showing off her ten carat diamond ring., Tillie said, "So, do you like my stone?"
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: If you dick long enough .....
 

An elephant and a mouse are walking together through the jungle when the elephant falls into a very large hole. The hole is so large that try as he might, the elephant is unable to climb out.

So the mouse says, "Hang around, I'll get something to drag you out with" and leaves. A little while later the mouse returns driving a Porsche and with a rope tied to the bumper bar and he drags the elephant out of the hole.

The two friends continue their stroll through the jungle when all of a sudden, the mouse falls into a hole. The elephant immediately stands over the hole and squatting over it, lowers his penis so the mouse can grab it and lift himself out of the hole.

The moral of this story is that "If your dick is long enough you don’t need a Porsche."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Snail visits bar

The landlord of a pub, is just locking up, when there's a ring on the doorbell.
He opens the door, and there's a snail sitting there. "What do you want?" asks the landlord.

The snail replies that he wants a drink.

"Go away, we're closed, and we don't serve snails anyway".

The snail pleads and pleads with the barman to give it a drink, at which the landlord gets fed up, kicks the snail and slams the door.

..... Exactly one year later, he's locking up again, and there's a ring at the doorbell. The landlord opens the door, and looks down to see a snail sitting there. "What do you want" says the landlord.

"What did you do that for" says the snail.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A family was having dinner and...

A family was having dinner and the little boy said, "Dad I don't like the holes in the cheese!"

Well son, eat the cheese and leave the holes on the side of the plate. 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Laughing baby...

A baby is just born. It has all of its parts and looks quite normal. The only problem is, the baby is laughing. Not just laughing, but laughing hysterically. The doctors and nurses examine the little tyke, from top to bottom and from front to back in front of the worried parents.

With his tiny fists clenched and tears rolling down his face, the baby just continues to laugh. One by one the pediatrician unfolds the tiny fingers checking to see if the baby's hands are all right. As they open the baby's hand, to their surprise what do they see, but a birth control pill!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Where are we?

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,

"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"

The employee leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Savings

Mr. and Mrs. Val were visited by a door to door salesman. He tried hard to sell a deep freezer to them and they were reluctant and unconvinced. Finally the salesman said: “If you buy this freezer you will save on food bills enough to pay for the freezer.”

Exasperated, Mrs. Val replied: “It is like this. We are paying for the house on what we are saving on the rent. We are paying for cable TV on what we are saving on movie tickets. Not to mention the damn car for which we are paying on what we save on taxi fares. We cannot afford to save anymore now.”
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Teeth down there

A little boy is waiting for his mom to come out of the changing room while shopping with her.
The little boy gets bored and when his mom comes out, she finds him sliding his hand up a dummy's skirt.

"GET YOUR HAND OUT OF THERE!" she shouts. "DON'T YOU KNOW THAT WOMEN HAVE TEETH DOWN THERE!"

The little boy quickly snatches his hand away and thanks his lucky stars that nothing serious happened.

So, for the rest of his life, this poor little boy grows up thinking that all women have teeth down below.

By the time he reaches 16, he finds himself a girl. One night, while her parents were out of town, she invites him over for a little action.

After a few hours of making out and grinding on the sofa, she asks him to go a bit further.

"What do you mean?" he asks.

"Well, why don't you put your hand down there?" while pointing to her privates.

"HELL NO!" he cries. "You've got teeth down there."

"What?? No I don't," she responds.

"Yes you do," he says. "My mom told me that you do."

"No I don't," she insists. "Here, look for yourself." With that, she pulls down her pants and gives him a little peek.

"No I'm sorry" he says. "My mom already told me that all women have teeth down there."

"Oh for crying out loud!" she screams. With that, she whips off her panties, throws her legs behind her head, and says, "Look, I don't have any teeth down there."

He replies, "Well, with the condition of those gums I'm not surprised."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Talking Frog


A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." 

He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog. 

The man said, "Are you talking to me?" 
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up. 
Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. 

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride." 
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket. 

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? 
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride." 
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: One Last Confession

While a man was dying, his wife was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face.
Her praying woke him from his slumber. He looked up, and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"My darling," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."
He was insistent. "I have something that I must confess," he said in a tired voice.
"There isn't anything to confess," replied his weeping wife. "Everything's ok. Go to sleep."

The man blurted out: "No, no, I must die in peace. I...I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!" 
"I know," whispered his wife, "that's why I poisoned you."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Apt reply

Serena and her friend Tina got on the bus. Both around seventeen, Tina was a little too plump for her age. Their journey was long and tedious. They saw a young, fat and dumb looking man sitting awkwardly a few seats ahead and decided to make fun of him. They went near his seat and stood there holding the bar for support. The man, out of sheer courtesy, tried to get up to offer his seat to Tina.

Tina says,“No, no sir, please be seated. Does not look nice when an old man stands up for a young girl to sit.”

The young man retorts, “True and well said, my child. But you see it is not proper for an old man to sit when a pregnant woman stands beside him.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Do you know where you were going?

A policeman pulled a blonde over after he/she'd been driving the wrong way on a one-way street.
Cop: Do you know where you were going?

Blonde: No, but wherever it is, it must be bad because all the cars were leaving

 

[worldangel]

Joke: One morning the phone rang at ...

One morning the phone rang at 3:00 a.m. in Jeff's house. He picked up the phone and a woman asked, "Is this 555-1111?"

"No, this is 555-1112." Jeff replied.
"Oh, I'm so sorry for disturbing you." The woman said.

"That's alright," Jeff said. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."

 

[worldangel]

 Lesbian Joke: Dating

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. 

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

 

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms. 

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. 

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Scared Dad

 

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy-cat. 
The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."

The second kid replies,"Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."
 

Edited September 17, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Medical Advances in Blood Work

A Doctor giving a speech with the latest medicine findings. He said: "Here's good news for all of you who need blood transfusions, although this may be of some interest to any of you. 

The AMA (The American Medical Association) researchers have made a remarkable discovery. It seems that some patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood. 

So far we've learned it tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny's Chemistry...

Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.

He then dropped the second work in the whiskey glass. It writhed in pain for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Spaghetti

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several months. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her simply to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin. 

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. "Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today." 
"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it" he said. 
The wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. 

On the card was written: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy goes to a girl's house for...

A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. 

She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. 

He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. 

He says, "What's this?" 

She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there." 

He goes, "Geez... oooh.... I..." 

She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray." 
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist...

A pregnant woman went to the gynecologist, and when asked that was the problem, she responded, "Well, whenever I take off my clothes, my nipples get hard."

Shocked, the doctor took a deep breath, then asked, "Your nipples get hard?" 

"Yes" quite innocently came her reply. 

"Undress so I can check" replied the still amazed doc. 

So, she undressed, and he got down to the feeling and massaging, trying to reach an answer.

After some considerable time, the doctor, still looked puzzled, said, "Well Madame, I don't know what you have, but it sure as hell is contagious!"
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A Silent Bomb

An elderly couple were in church. The wife leaned over and whispered to her husband, "I just let out a long silent fart... what should I do?"

The husband replied, "Replace the batteries in your hearing aid."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Looking for a Lumberjack...

A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack.

The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him to leave.

"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.

"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."

The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door.

"I cut the tree down," said the man.

The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"

"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.

"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.

The little man laughed and answered back, "Sure, that's what they call it NOW!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline

If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.

f you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.

If you are phobic, don't press anything.

If you are anal retentive, please hold.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Anatomy

A new bride went to her doctor for a check-up. Lacking knowledge of the male anatomy, she asked the doctor "What's that thing hanging between my husband’s legs?"

The doctor replies "We call that the penis." The new bride then asks "What's that reddish/purple thing on the end of the penis?"

The doctor replies "We call that the head of the penis. The bride then asks "What are those 2 round things about 15 inches from the head of the penis?"

The doctor replies "Lady, on him I don't know, but on me they're the cheeks of my ass!"

[worldangel]

Joke: Open another branch

A man walks pass a beggar on the corner of the street where he works. The beggar holds out his one hand and the man drops a coin into his hand. 

One day the man walks pass the beggar again and notices the beggar is holding hold out both his hands. He asks: "Why are you holding out both of your hands?" 

The beggar replied, "You see sir, business is going so well I decided to open another branch."
 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Pretty sick man

After looking for love in all the wrong places, a man returns from Overseas and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the Hospital to undergo tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital. No one is around but the phone by his bed. and it rings.

"This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely contagious and nasty STD called 'G.A.S.H.' It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!"

"Oh, my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?"
"Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread."

"Will that cure me???" asked the man.
The doctor replied, "Well no, but....they're the only foods we can get under the door."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Condoms

One day on the way home from work, I stopped at the local Pharmacy and while I was checking out, I picked up some candy to take home for me and my 7-year old son. It was a bag of Gold Coins (Gold Foil- covered chocolate candy coins). 

There were many sizes, from dime to dollar. I took the bag home, and me and my son opened the bag and ate all of the coins, my son taking the bigger dollar-sized ones and me taking the smaller ones. 

The next day, my wife, my son and I stopped at the Pharmacy again to pick up a few things. While my wife and I were shopping, we noticed that my son had picked up a Gold Coin Condom. Before we could catch him, he took it up to the counter and asked the Pharmacist, "What's this?" 

The woman, looking very serious, said, "That's a condom, son." 
To which my son replied, "My daddy BOUGHT me some of these yesterday!" 

With a disgusted look on her face, the Pharmacist replied, "Those are NOT for children, young man."

And finally, my son replied, "Then I'll buy this one for my Daddy. He likes the LITTLE ones!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Made Him A Millionaire

A woman was telling her friend, "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." 

"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. 

The woman replied, "A billionaire." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: No Big Thing

The attractive young college junior was filing a report with the campus police regarding her encounter with an exhibitionist. 

“Those nuts always seem to bother the nicest, most innocent girls,” one officer said sympathetically. “I’m terribly sorry you were exposed to this experience.” 

“Oh, that’s all right,” said the undergrad. “It was really no big thing.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: By Those Standards

"Why do you have to buy such expensive brassieres?” the irate husband snapped nastily as he looked over the latest credit card statement. “You don’t have much to put in them.” 

“By those standards,” she replied, “you haven’t needed a new pair of underwear in years!”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Rates Have Gone Up

"I am sorry, madam, but I shall have to charge you one hundred dollars for pulling your boy's tooth." 

"One hundred dollars! Why? I understood that you charged only twenty dollars for such work." 

"Yes," replied the dentist, "but this youngster yelled so terribly that he scared out four other patients out of the office."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: To Hell and Back

A Texan in New York City needed to call a nearby community from a pay phone. “Deposit a dollar and eighty-five cents, please,” instructed the operator. 

Pulling himself up to full height and using his thickest Texas drawl, he objected, “Ma’am, I’m from Texas, and in Texas we can place a call to hell and back for that price!” 

“I understand, sir,” retorted the operator, “but in Texas, that’s a local call.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: So Just Stop It

A well-known ladies man with a long list of sexual conquests walks into his neighborhood bar and orders a drink. He looks a little worried, so the bartender asks him if anything is wrong. 

“I’m a little worried,” the stud replies. “Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he’d kill me if I didn’t stop sleeping with his wife.” 

“So stop sleeping with his wife!” the bartender says. 

“I can’t. The jerk didn’t sign his name!”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: My Drunk Date

A man was at the bar and every so often he would pour some beer on his hand. The woman sitting next to him asked, "What are you doing?” 

“Getting my date drunk,” he replied.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Thanks for Nothing

The lovers had decided that a mutual parting of the ways was best for both of them. However, on their way to the airport a rather heated debate started as to whose fault their breakup was. 

At the crowded gate, she turned and said, “Thanks for nothing you cheap bastard.” 

As she went down the ramp with the other passengers, he shouted back, “Hey baby, don’t be like that. If you ever work this town again, give me a call.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Man's Most Embarrassing Moment

What is a man's most embarrassing moment? 

When he walks into a wall with an erection and breaks his nose.

[worldangel]

Joke: Was I Going Too Fast?

While driving along the highway, a motorist was surprised to see a police officer motioning for him to pull off the road. 

The man drove onto the shoulder and rolled down his window. “What’s the matter, officer? Was I going too fast?” 

“No, bud – it is your wife! She fell out of the car two exits back!” 

The man sighed, “I’ll be! I thought I’d gone deaf!”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A mall manager has three space

A mall manager has three spaces to rent, all in a row. A prospective lessee shows up and says he wants to rent the space on the left for a men's wear shop.

"That's fine," the mall manager says. "You get free signage; what do you want on the sign?"
"Men's Wear," says the man.

A second guy comes along and asks to rent the right hand space for his gentleman's formal wear business. When asked he says he wants "Men's Wear" on his sign. The mall manager tells him that the left hand shop will have the same sign. "No problem," says the man.

Finally a third man comes along to rent the middle space. The manager is somewhat concerned because this guy also has a men's wear shop. Warily the manager asks the third man what he wants on his sign. 
The guy replies: "Entrance."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: One wish

A guy walking along the beach finds a bottle and picks it up.

A genie pops out and says, "Thanks for letting me out. For your kindness I will grant you one wish."

The guys says, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I can't because I'm afraid to fly and ships make me deathly sick. My wish is for you to build a road from here to Hawaii."

The genie says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved. Think of the huge pilings we'd need to hold up that highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. And think of all the cement that would be needed. Plus, since it's such a long span, there would have to be gas stations and rest stops along the way. No, that's just too much to ask. Impossible."

The guy says, "Well, there is one thing I've always wanted to know. I'd like to be able to understand women...what makes them laugh and cry...you know, what makes them tick."

The genie thinks a second, then asks, "You want two lanes or four?'
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three women: one engaged, one

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives. All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers. After a few days they meet up for lunch and compared notes.

The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."

The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."

The married woman: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, 'What's for dinner, Batman?'" 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Red and Blue cab

Two cabbies, Harry and Dave met after a long time.

"Hey," pointed out Harry, "why did you paint one side of your cab red and the other side blue?"

"Well," answered Dave, "when I get into an accident, you should see how all the witnesses contradict each other."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Library complaints

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and said: "I have a complaint!"

"Yes, Ma'am?" said the librarian looking up at her.

"I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible!"

Puzzled by her complaint the librarian asked: "What was wrong with it?"

"It had way too many characters and there was no plot whatsoever!" said the blonde.

The librarian nodded and said: "Ahhh... So you must be the person who took our phone book."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: We thought you were a ghost!

Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath,

"You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost!

What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Behind the wheel...

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the driver, he was astounded to see that the woman behind the wheel was knitting!

Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn, and yelled, PULLOVER!"

"NO," the woman yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Worm talk

The first worm says, "What kind of day is it?"
The other worm says, "You know, I don't know, but I was thinking of going up and checking it out."

The first worm says, "That's a good idea. Why don't you do that."

So the second worm starts on his way up through the dirt.

At the same time, two lady golfers are walking along the fairway.

The first one says, "Jeez, I gotta wiz."

Her friend says, "Well, it's very early. There's nobody else here on the course."

"Do it right here. Nobody will know."

The first lady says, "You think so? Right here?"

Her friend says, "Yeah."

And she agrees to do it, because it helps the joke.

She pulls down her skivvies, and lifts up her little golf dress and she squats.

She's just about to commence when the worm pokes his head up out of the grass right below her. She lets fly and he gets drenched.

He's dripping wet as he goes back down through the dirt. He goes up to the first worm, and he's soaking wet.

The first worm looks at him and says, "Oh, it's raining, huh?"

The second worm says, "Not only is it raining, but it's raining so hard the damm birds are building their nests upside-down!"