Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: Superman

This guy walks into a bar. It was on the second floor.
He sits down and another guy walks up to him. He was dead drunk.

He said, "I betcha I can jump out that thar winder and come right back up."

The other guy said, "Yeah right." Well, the guy jumped out the window.

"Oh my god, he actually did it," said the other guy. The drunk guy seemed to float right back up to the top.

"How did you do that?"

"Well, the air currents hitting the building slowly pushed me back up to the top, you wanna try it?"

"Alright, get out of the way!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" SPLAT

The drunk guy walked and sat down at the bar. The bartender said, "Damn it Superman, you're mean when you're drunk!

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Good news...bad news....

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

The doctor says, "They're going to name a disease after you."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Big trouble

A man is sleeping in bed when his telephone suddenly rings.

“Hello, Señor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.”

“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”

“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead.”

“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the international competition?”

“Si, Señor, that's the one.”

“Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”

“From eating the rotten meat, Señor Rod.”

“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”

“Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”

“Dead horse? What dead horse?”

“The thoroughbred, Señor Rod.”

”My prize thoroughbred is dead?”

”Yes, Señor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.”

“Are you insane? What water cart?”

“The one we used to put out the fire, Señor.”

“Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man?!”

“The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”

“What the hell?” Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?”

“Yes, Señor Rod.”

“But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”

“For the funeral, Señor Rod.”

“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?”

“Your wife's, Señor Rod. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new TaylorMade Super Quad 460 golf club.”

“Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in serious trouble!”
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Kids Tough Question

Kids can sometimes ask the toughest questions.

Son: Father, Can I ask you a question?

Father: Ok ask.

Son: When a doctor doctors a doctor, does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as the doctor being doctored wants to be doctored or does the doctor doing the doctoring doctor as he wants to doctor.

Father: !!!??????!!!

 

[Guest dickson]

At ldp Caldex  there public toilet..anyone come .?? Horny

[worldangel]

Joke: White hair

Little Sonia was looking intently at her mother.

Mother: “What's the matter? Why are you looking at me like that?”

Sonia: “Some of your hair are white mom.”

Mother: “That's right. Whenever you make a mischief, one of my hairs turns white. That's how some have become white.”

Sonia was thoughtful: “Are all of grandma's hair white due to the same reason?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Ralph and Norris went bear hunting...

Ralph and Norris went bear hunting in Montana. While Ralph stayed in the cabin, Norris went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him. His rifle jammed, so he dropped it and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

Now Norris was pretty fleet of foot, but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as Norris reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

Norris man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Court case

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled.

With his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Would Like To Have a Second Opinion

A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it.

Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out.

Patient: I wanna second opinion.

Doctor: Okay, you're ugly, too.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Vaseline research

A woman answers the door to a market researcher.
"Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"

"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."

"Do you use it for anything else?"

"Like what?"

"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."

"Oh, of course. Yes, we smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep the kids out."

[worldangel]

Joke: Coming Home Late

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'How about a blow job?'...and she's always sound asleep!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: During a terrible storm, all the...

During a terrible storm, all the highway signs were covered with snow. The following spring, the state decided to raise all the signs twelve inches at a cost of six million dollars.

“That’s an outrageous price!” said a local farmer, “but I guess we’re lucky the state handled it instead of the federal government.” “Why’s that?”

“Because knowing the federal government, they’d decided to lower the highways.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde at the hospital

A blonde went to the hospital because her body hurt. She told the doctor that where ever she touched herself it would hurt. The doctor told her to demonstrate. She touched her elbow and it hurt.

She touched her calf and it hurt. The doctor asked her if she was a blonde and she said yes.
"That’s why!!!!!!!!" "Your finger is broken!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: When a man with nine children ...

When a man with nine children was asked how he handled illness among his children, he said... 

"When the first born coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When the last one swallowed a quarter, I told him that it was coming out of his allowance!" 
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Free Advice At Social Affairs?

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.

The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.

The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dumber Child

There were these two professors arguing over which one had the dumber child. Each professor thought his was the bigger idiot. The first professor yells “There is no way that your son is dumber. My son has to be THE stupidest kid on Earth.”
The second professor says “No way, Jose. My son is the bigger idiot.”

The first professor says “Let me prove it to you. Hey Jake! (Jake runs to his father) I don't know if I left myself at the office or not. Would you run there and find out. If I'm there then tell me to come home and eat dinner.”

The son says, gleefully, “Sure dad” and runs off.

The second professor not to be outdone says “Oh Yea! Watch this! Hey Sam! Come here! (Sam runs to his father) Here are two pennies. With one penny buy a car and the other buy a microwave.”

Sam says “OK.” and leaves. The professors keep arguing.

Jay and Sam meet in the street. And they start arguing which one has the dumber father. Jay says, “Well listen. My father told me to find out if he is at the office or not. Well all he had to do was to call the office and find out himself. Two minutes and he would be done. That is stupid if I've ever heard it.”

Sam says “Well that is nothing. My dad told me to buy a car with one penny and a microwave with the other. But he didn't tell me which penny was for the car and which one is for the microwave.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wife's love

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced: "My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!"

"What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired.

"Last week," Bill explained, "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the post office guy came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering, 'My husband's home! My husband's home!'"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Free Advice At Social Affairs?

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.

The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor. 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: When a man with nine children ...

When a man with nine children was asked how he handled illness among his children, he said... 

"When the first born coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When the last one swallowed a quarter, I told him that it was coming out of his allowance!" 


 

[worldangel]

Joke: $5 for a Penguin

A guy is walking down the street, and he's really horny. So he goes to the first whore house he sees. He only has five dollars, so they kick him out.
The guy goes to the next one. But, since he only has five dollars, he gets kicked out again.

So by this time, he's really super horny, so he goes to the next one and says "Look, I only have five dollars. I'm really horny, and I need a blow-job for 5 dollars!"

The guy there says "OK. For five dollars, we can give you a penguin."

"What's a penguin?"

"You'll see."

So, the guy takes the $5 and leads the horny man to a bedroom. The horny man unzips his pants, and waits for his "penguin."

Soon, a whore comes in and starts giving the guy a blow job. Just as he's about to let loose, she stops and walks away. Now, the horny guy with his pants at his ankles, waddles after her, shouting "HEY! WHAT'S A PENGUIN?!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two ministers

Two ministers died at the same time and met St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says," I'd like to get you in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to earth until it's ready, but you can go back as anything you want.

The first minister says, "I've always wanted to be a eagle soaring above our beautiful earth."

"And I have always wanted to be a stud!" said the second.

"So be it " says St. Peter and "POOF", the ministers disappear.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and St. peter asked his assistant to recall the two ministers.

"How will I find them?" the assistant askes.

"One is easy, he's soaring over the Grand Canyon right now" says St. Peter.

"The other may be tough to locate though, he's on a snow tire somewhere in Alaska."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Rectum

Johnny's teacher asked the class how their weekends were.

"Horrible," said Johnny. "A car hit my cat in the ass!"

"Rectum," said the teacher. "Say rectum."

"Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Bunny Story

Once upon a time there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road. Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny. 

The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter Bunny!" 

The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertible. The woman stopped and asked what the problem was.The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it's all my fault." 

The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny. 

Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?" 
The woman replied, "It's harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A little boy comes down for breakfast...

A little boy comes down for breakfast and his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” says the little boy. 

His mother tells him that until he completes them, he won't be getting any breakfast. 
Well, he's a little angry, so he goes to feed the chickens and kicks one. He goes to feed the cows, and kicks a cow as well. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. 

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks. 
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk.” 

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat half way across the kitchen. 
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile and says, “Are you going to tell him, or shall I?”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: For two solid hours, the lady ...

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children. 

She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren. 

"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?"
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Moving Testimony

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow." 

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A forester and a lawyer were in...

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know. 

Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says, "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Wait minute! How come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"

St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Animal Pictures

One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises his/her hand. The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" 

Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. 
"Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up his/her hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" 

Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. 

"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" 
Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father." 

Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."
 

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Haircut

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment: shave, shampoo, manicure and haircut, he placed the boy in the chair. Then he said, "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade. I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut'."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Orange Alert at the Airport

They make that announcement, If you notice anything unusual, please immediately report it to airport security.

So, I grab the guy, I go, Yeah, I just saw somebody pay $11 for a cup of coffee at Starbucks. And right around the corner, theyre selling luggage inside the airport.

Im going to do another lap. Ill let you know if I see anything.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Old flame...

A couple was dining out when the wife noticed a familiar face at the bar. She recognized him as an old flame.

"Honey," she said to her husband, as she pointed out the man, "that guy at the bar has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

Her husband said, "That's silly, no one celebrates that much!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Breath Test

A man is driving down the road somewhat erratically. A cop notices this and pulls him over; he walks up to the window and says: "Sir, I believe you're drunk. I'm going to administer a breathalyzer test"

Man, sheepishly: "Oh, I'm sorry officer, I'm a severe asthmatic, and I don't have my inhaler with me...if I blow into that thing I could have an attack and die"

Cop, a little distrustful: "Uh, yeah...well, this is more invasive, but if you won't submit to a breathalyzer, I'm going to have to take you down to the station and take blood"

Man: "Yeah, well, see, the thing is, I'm a terrible hemophiliac, and so I can't give blood...I might die"

Cop, clearly frustrated: "Alright buddy, well, this is imprecise, but I'm going to have to have you get out of your vehicle and walk this line heel-toe"

Man: "Oh, I'm sorry officer, I can't do that, I'm drunk."
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Haircut

A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment: shave, shampoo, manicure and haircut, he placed the boy in the chair. Then he said, "I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade. I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."

"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut'."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Watermelons

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.

After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide." 

The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Saved from Choking

One day, at a local buffet, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone!

Help!"

A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.

"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"

"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Once there was a man with an extremely ...

Once there was a man with an extremely large penis, but, unfortunately, he also had a terrible stuttering problem, so he could never get a girlfriend. So he went to the doctor one day and said to him that he wanted something done about his stutter. The doctor replied that he would have to take off his penis to relieve him of the stutter. After a while the man agreed and had his penis removed.

After the operation he was a smooth talker, but now he couldn't get laid because he had no penis. So he returned to the doctor and tells him he would like to have his penis back, because he has a better chance of getting laid with a stutter than with no penis.

The doctor replies, "S-s-sorry s-s-sir, b-b-but I c-c-can't d-d-do th-th-that."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Better Be A Good Reason

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar.

"I assume," she snarled, "that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o'clock in the morning?" 

"There is," he replied. "Breakfast."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doesn't It Bother You?

An old couple walks into the bar, and the husband goes over and starts flirting with some young women. And the bartender ways to the wife, “Doesn’t it bother you that your husband is always making passes at the younger women around here?” 

“No, no, not really,” the wife says. “I mean, dogs chase cars, but that doesn’t mean they know how to drive.”

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Little Emily was complaining the ...

Little Emily was complaining to her mother that her stomach hurt. Her mother replied, “That’s because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."

The next day, the pastor was over at Emily's family's house for lunch. He mentioned having his head hurt, to which Emily immediately replied, "That's because it's empty. Maybe you should try putting something in it."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A forester and a lawyer were in...

A forester and a lawyer were in car accident and showed up at the pearly gates together.

St. Peter greets them at the pearly gates and takes them to the homes where they will spend all of eternity. They get into St. Peter's holy vehicle and head on down a gold road, which turns into a platinum road, which turns onto an even grander road paved with diamonds, to a huge mansion where St. Peter turns to the lawyer and says, here is your home for the rest of eternity, enjoy! And if there is anything you need, just let me know. 

Then St. Peter took the forester to his home, back down the diamond studded boulevard, down the platinum highway, down the street of gold, down an avenue of silver, along a stone alley and down an unpaved footpath to a shack. St Peter says, "Here you go" and goes to leave when the forester says "Wait minute! How come the lawyer gets the big mansion and I get this shack?"

St. Peter says: "Well, Foresters are a dime a dozen here, we have never had a lawyer before."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: For two solid hours, the lady ...

For two solid hours, the lady sitting next to a man on an airplane had told him about her grandchildren. She had even produced a plastic-foldout photo album of all nine of the children. 

She finally realized that she had dominated the entire conversation on her grandchildren. 

"Oh, I've done all the talking, and I'm so sorry. I know you certainly have something to say. Please, tell me... what do you think of my grandchildren?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A dog at the movies...

A man follows a woman out of a movie theatre. She has a dog on a leash.

He stops her and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I couldn't help but notice that your dog was really into the movie. He cried at the right spots, he moved nervously in his seat at the boring parts, but most of all, he laughed like crazy at the funny parts. Did you find that unusual??"

"Yes," she replied, "I found it very unusual ... because he hated the book!"
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: This Dog Is Acting Bad


While waiting for a bus, the blind man's dog decided to go to the bathroom all over the blind man's legs.

A passerby commented to the blind man, "What! That dog just went to the bathroom all over your legs, and you are petting him?! Are you crazy?"

To which the blind man replied, "Madam, I am not petting him, I am feeling for his bottom, so I can kick him."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: True Mother-in-Law

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.
And so they argued before the King until he called for silence.
"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall cut the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half." "Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."
The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to cut him in two!" exclaimed the king's advisor.
"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lion Tamer

Two unemployed guys.... are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer." 
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming." 

"Yes I do!" 
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?" 
"I'll take that big chair they all carry, and I'll stick it in his face until he backs down." 

"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?" 
"I'll take that whip they all carry, and I'll whip him and whip him until he backs down." 

"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"
"I'll take that gun they all carry, and shoot him." 
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?" 

"I'll pick up some of the sh*t that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage." 
"Well, what if there ain't no sh*t in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?" 

"You ain't thinkin' none to clear - cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some sh*t on the bottom of that cage. You can bet on that!" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three visitors to ...

Three visitors to London climb up the tower that houses Big Ben and decide to have a contest. They're going to throw their watches off the top, run down the stairs and try to catch the watches before they hit the ground. 

The first tourist throws his watch, takes three steps and hears his watch crash. The second throws his watch and takes only two steps when he hears his watch shatter. 

The third tosses his watch off the tower, jogs down the stairs, goes to a candy store, buys a snack, walks back to Big Ben and catches his watch. "How did you do that?" asks one of his friends. 

"My watch is 30 minutes slow." 


 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Diagnostic Machine

A man without medicare or medical insurance injured himself playing tennis and couldn't afford to go to the doctor. A friend of his told him there was a wonderful new diagnostic machine at the drugstore and suggested he try it out.

So the man went down to the drugstore and poured the required urine sample into the machine. The machine whirred and hummed for fifteen seconds and spit out a piece of paper. The piece of paper said: You have tennis elbow. Here's how to treat it...

The man treated his tennis elbow according to the directions and it improved immediately. He was very impressed with the diagnostic machine but decided he was going to find out just how good it was, and if it could be fooled.

So he gathered and mixed together his own urine sample, his wife's, and some of his dog's feces. Then for good measure he masturbated into the cup.

He took this mixture down to the drugstore and poured it into the machine. The machine then whirred and hummed for five minutes. Just when he was thinking he'd broken it, out came the diagnosis.

It said:

Your dog has worms.

Your wife is pregnant, but don't worry, it's not yours.

And if you don't quit jerking off, you're never going to get rid of that tennis elbow.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Once there was a man with an extremely...

Once there was a man with an extremely large penis, but, unfortunately, he also had a terrible stuttering problem, so he could never get a girlfriend. So he went to the doctor one day and said to him that he wanted something done about his stutter. The doctor replied that he would have to take off his penis to relieve him of the stutter. After a while the man agreed and had his penis removed.

After the operation he was a smooth talker, but now he couldn't get laid because he had no penis. So he returned to the doctor and tells him he would like to have his penis back, because he has a better chance of getting laid with a stutter than with no penis.

The doctor replies, "S-s-sorry s-s-sir, b-b-but I c-c-can't d-d-do th-th-that."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Last year, when the power mower

Last year, when the power mower was broken and wouldn't run, I kept hinting to my husband that he ought to get it fixed, but somehow the message never sank in. Finally I thought of a clever way to make the point. 

When my husband arrived home that day, he found me seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. 
He watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. He was gone only a few moments when he came out again.

He handed me a toothbrush. "When you finish cutting the grass," he said, "you might as well sweep the sidewalks." 
 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Shooting The Bull

Two hunters went moose hunting every winter without success. Finally, they came up with a foolproof plan. They got a very authentic female moose costume and learned the mating call of a female moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. They set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, donned their costume and began to give the moose love call.

Before long, their call was answered as a bull came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. When the bull was close enough, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him." After a moment that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouted, "The zipper is stuck! What are we going to do?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you'd better brace yourself."