Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 

 

Joke: Drinking Buddies

Two men are sitting next to each other in an Irish-style pub in New York City. They both order pints of Guinness. One of them turns to the other and says "So where are you from, then?"

"I'm from Ireland."

"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin."

"Me too! I'll drink to that." They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where in Dublin are you from?"

"The East Side."

"The East Side? Me too! What a coincidence! I'll drink to that!" They both finish their pints and order two more.

"Where on the East Side are you from?"

"McDonagh Street."

"Me too! This is incredible! I'll drink to that."

As the bartender pours them another two pints, another customer at the bar says to him, "That's amazing! I can't believe they're from the same street in Dublin. What's going on?"

"Oh, it's nothing amazing," says the bartender, "it's just the Ferguson twins getting sloshed again."
 

[worldangel]

Joke:  This Is One Smart Dog

A butcher is leaning on the counter toward the close of day when a dog with a basket in its jaws comes pushing through the door.
"An' wot's this then?" he asked. The dog knocks the basket sharply into the butcher's shins. 

"You dumb dog." As he reaches down to smack the dog, he notices a note and a ten dollar bill in the basket.

The scribble on the note asks for three pounds of his best mince [ground beef]. The butcher figures this is too easy. He goes to the window and reaches for the dried up stuff that's been sitting out all day.

The dog growls at him. The butcher turns around and, glaring at the pup, gets the best mince from the fridge. Weighing out about 2 1/2 pounds, he drops in on the scale with his thumb.
"Hmmmmm, a bit shy. Who'll know?"

Again, the dog growls menacingly. "Alright, alright," as he throws on a generous half pound. He wraps it out, drops it in the basket, and drops in change from a five. The dog threatens to chew him off at the ankles. Another five goes in the basket.
The butcher is quite impressed and decides to follow the piddy pup home. The dog quickly enters a high-rise buildings, pushes the lift button, enters the lift, and then pushes the button for the 12th floor. The dog walks down the corridor and smartly bangs the basket on the door. The door opens, and the dog's owner screams at the dog.

"Hey, what are you doing? That's a really smart dog you've got there," comments the butcher.
"He's a stupid dog--that's the third time this week he's forgotten his key.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doc Steadman

Two men were standing at adjacent urinals when one said to the other, "I'll bet you were born in Newark, Ohio."
"Why, that's right!" said the second man in surprise.

"And I'll bet you were circumcised when you were three days old."

"Right again. But how'd you....."

"And I'll bet it was done by old Doc Steadman."

"Well, yes, but how did you know?" asked the second man in amazement.

"Well, old Doc always cut them at a sixty-degree angle," explained the first guy, "and you're pissing on my shoe."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A sheik employed a track star

A sheik employed a track star to run from the palace to his harem, which was about three miles away, to fetch one of his wives whenever he was in the mood. The sheik would nod and the track star would take off.

This event usually took place about three times a day until the runner died at age 36. The sheik lived to be 96.

The moral of the story is, "Sex doesn't kill you. It's the running after it that does."


 

[worldangel]

Joke: Signs Of Christmas

Toy Store: “Ho, ho, ho spoken here.”

Bridal boutique: “Marry Christmas.”

Outside a church: “The Original Christmas Club.”

At a department store: “Big pre-Christmas sale. Come in and mangle with the crowd.”

A Texas jewelry store: “Diamond tiaras — $70,000. Three for $200,000.

A reducing salon: “24 Shaping Days until Christmas.”

In a stationery store: “For the man who has everything… a calendar to remind him when payments are due.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A note from mom...

John, a well-to-do bachelor, invited his mother over for dinner one night.

During the meal, Mom couldn't help notice how attractive and shapely the house keeper was, and wondered if there was more going on than meets the eye.

John sensing what his mother was thinking said to her "I know what you're thinking, Mom, but I assure you my relationship with the house keeper is purely professional."

A week later, the house keeper told John that ever since his mother's visit a silver gravy ladle has been missing. John sent his mother a note which said, "Mom, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle, and I'm not saying you didn't, but the fact remains one has been missing since you were here".

A few days later he receives a note from his mother. "John: I'm not saying you sleep with your house keeper, nor am I saying you're not. But the fact remains that if she were sleeping in her own bed she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom".

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Twins

A man was driving along the highway, and saw a rabbit hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the rabbit, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of the car and was hit.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road and got out to see what had become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit was dead. The driver felt so awful he began to cry.
A woman driving down the highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explained. "I accidently hit this rabbit and killed it."
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew what to do. She went to her car trunk and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead rabbit, and sprayed the contents of the can onto the rabbit.

Miraculously, the rabbit came to life, jumped up, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped down the road. 50 feet away the rabbit stopped, turned around, waved at the two again, hopped down the road another 50 feet, turned, waved, and hopped another 50 feet.

The man was astonished. He couldn't figure out what substance could be in the woman's spray can! He ran over to the woman and demanded, "What was in your spray can? What did you spray onto that rabbit?" The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said:
"'Hare Spray' Restores Life to Dead Hare. Adds Permanent Wave."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Expert Advice

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two guys, one 80 and one 87

Two guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.
The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat Italian bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." 

So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Italian bread?" 

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" 
He said, "I want 5 loaves."
She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard." 

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this sh*t but me." 
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A married couple is driving do

A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."

The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as he clenches his hands on the wheels.

She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, until he's up to 80 mph.

She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." 
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"

The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need right here."
She asks, "What's that?"

The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got the airbag!"

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Patient: Doctor, I have a little …

Patient: Doctor, I have a little man in my head, and he's cursing all the time!

Doctor: Well, this problem is really easy to fix! It will cost you $1000.

Patient: Doctor, do you know what the little guy just said?

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Two guys were riding in a car,...

Two guys were riding in a car, arguing about how to say the name of the city that they were in.

One said "Louieville" and the other "Louiseville." They went on arguing and arguing, until they came upon a fast-food restaurant. The one guy goes inside and says to the waitress, "Tell me the name of the place where I am right now really, really, really slowly."

The waitress goes, "Bur-ger-King."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Avoiding the crowds...

 

It was Christmas Eve and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner, "What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

"What?!? That's no offense," said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened," he replied.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Hole

The construction foreman ordered one of his men to dig a hole 8 feet deep. But after the job was done, the boss returned and explained an error had been made and the hole wouldn't be needed. "Fill 'er up," he ordered the worker.

The worker did as he'd been told. But he ran into a problem. He couldn't get all the dirt packed back into the hole without leaving a mound on top. He went to the office and explained his problem.

"Honestly!" the foreman snorted. "The kind of help I get these days! There's obviously only one thing to do. You'll have to dig that hole deeper!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Where Is This Bus Going?

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: One Eye Set Higher

My eye doctor told me this, I’m not making this up. He goes, You know you have one eye set a little bit higher than your other eye? No, I didn’t know that.

He goes, It’s no big deal; it doesn’t affect your vision or anything. I just thought you might want to be self-conscious for the rest of your life.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Wrong bus

 

A drunken man gets on the bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says: "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts: "Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Car broken down

Her car breaks down on the Interstate one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing on-coming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pile-ups in the history of this highway occurs.

It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" Screams the cop.

"Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Census...

Census Taker: 'How many children do you have?' 
Woman: 'Four.' 

Census Taker: 'May I have their names, please?' 
Woman: 'Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.' 

Census Taker: 'Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?' 
Woman: 'Because we didn't want any Moe.'

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Whenever John wanted to have sex...

Whenever John wanted to have sex he would say to Mary "Let’s do some laundry, honey".

Well one day Mary felt horny so she said to John "Honey, how about doing some laundry?"

John replied "No thanks honey, I only had a small load so I did it by hand.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A college's student body is co...

A college's student body is composed of the sons and daughters of the very rich who could not meet the academic requirements of any other college. Lo and behold, the college basketball team wins every game and dominates their league. All this success is due to one amazing player - a cross between Larry Bird and Michael Jordan. 

This kid is terrific. The player and the team become the center of nationwide media attention. The student body is thrilled. Now, the NCAA goes to the college and asks for proof of this player's academic eligibility. The college administration promises such documentation in a few days. The faculty works night and day coaching the student for the crucial test. 

The day of the public examination arrives, and the entire student body is there to support their star player. A professor stands, and announces the first question, "How much is five and two?" The student frowns in deep concentration - he thinks, he sweats, he shakes with effort. At last he shouts the answer, "SEVEN". The entire student body rises, and as a single voice, they cry. "Give him another chance. Give him another chance." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Car broken down

 Her car breaks down on the Interstate one day, so the driver eases it over onto the shoulder. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Out jump two men in trench coats, who walk to the rear of the vehicle where they stand facing on-coming traffic and begin opening their coats and exposing themselves to approaching drivers. Not surprisingly, one of the worst pile-ups in the history of this highway occurs.

 

It's not very long before a police car shows up. The cop, clearly enraged, runs toward the driver of the disabled vehicle yelling, "What the hell is going on here?"

"My car broke down," says the lady, calmly.

"Well, what are these perverts doing here by the road?" Screams the cop.

"Those are my emergency flashers!" she replied!

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Any fool

 Kelly went to see Josie to seek advice in a complicated legal case. Josie listened to her patiently and said, “Look Kelly, you should have gone to an expert in this matter as some legal issues are involved.”

Kelly replied, “That is what I was going to do. But when I talked to my brother about this, he said that any fool can guide you in this. So I came straight to you.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A college's student body is co...

A college's student body is composed of the sons and daughters of the very rich who could not meet the academic requirements of any other college. Lo and behold, the college basketball team wins every game and dominates their league. All this success is due to one amazing player - a cross between Larry Bird and Michael Jordan. 

This kid is terrific. The player and the team become the center of nationwide media attention. The student body is thrilled. Now, the NCAA goes to the college and asks for proof of this player's academic eligibility. The college administration promises such documentation in a few days. The faculty works night and day coaching the student for the crucial test. 

The day of the public examination arrives, and the entire student body is there to support their star player. A professor stands, and announces the first question, "How much is five and two?" The student frowns in deep concentration - he thinks, he sweats, he shakes with effort. At last he shouts the answer, "SEVEN". The entire student body rises, and as a single voice, they cry. "Give him another chance. Give him another chance." 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Expensive Greeting cards

 

Like everything else in life, the rates of various greeting cards are increasing leaps and bounds. The store owner of one such shop was often receiving complaints about increasing cost of the cards. But he never took these complaints seriously until one day he faced a situation he had not bargained for.

Customer: “Have you any card for someone who is about to turn a hundred?”

Owner: “Sure do.”
The owner led the customer to the related card stand and pointed at the cards: “They are for centurions.”

The customer selected one card, looked at the price printed on the reverse and asked: “If he doesn't last for a week and make it, will you accept this back?”

  

[worldangel]

Joke: Saint Peter (Pun)

 

Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the pearly gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they are told that they must present something "Christmassy." in order to get in.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some pine needles from the family's Christmas tree. He is let in.

The second man presents a bow and some ribbon, from presents that were opened earlier in that night. So he is also allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, "How do these represent Christmas?"

To which he replies, "Oh, . . . They're Carol's."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Martini

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out. 

"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!" 

"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: After dying in a car crash, three...

After dying in a car crash, three friends find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. Each one was asked, "When you are in your casket, what would you like to hear your friends and family saying about you?" 

Sean says, "I would like to hear them say I was a great doctor and a great family man." 

Karl says, "I would like to hear them say I was a wonderful husband and an excellent teacher who made a difference in children's lives." 

Juan says, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'" 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A stage....

During a performance for the high school talent show at the local theater, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.

He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theater shouted:

"Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: There was once a man who lived...

There was once a man who lived in a poor country. He went to law school and became a very intelligent person. Years later, he decided to go back to his country to show them how worthy he is. He started his own office.

The next day, he saw a man walking into his office. He picked up the phone and gestured the man to come in and pretended he was talking to very famous people and cancelling meetings with presidents, etc.

After he put down the phone several minutes later, he apologized to the man and said, "Sorry to keep you waiting. As you can see, I'm a very busy man. What can I do for you?" The man smiled and said, "I'm from the telephone company. I'm here to hook up you phone."
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A guy goes into a drugstore to...

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk.

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4."

He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!"

The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells,
"Large!"

The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms. "What size?"

The kid embarrassedly says, "I've never done this before. I don't know what size."

The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him and yells, "Clean up in aisle 4!"
 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Ice Fishing

A drunk guy in Alaska decides to go ice fishing. So he packs up his stuff and goes out onto the ice. He starts sawing a hole in the ice, and a loud booming voice says,

"YOU WILL FIND NO FISH UNDER THAT ICE."

The drunk looks up, ignores it, and continues on.

The voice repeats, "YOU WILL FIND NO FISH

The drunk looks up and says, "Is this God trying to warn me?"

The voice says "NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THIS ICE RINK."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Holidays for the Lonely

It goes: Christmas, New Year’s Eve and Valentines’ Day. Is that fair to anyone who’s alone? Those are all days when you gotta be with someone.

And if you didn’t get around to killing yourself at Christmas or New Years -- boom! There’s Valentines’ Day for you. I think there should be just one more holiday after Valentines’ Day, just for the stragglers -- and it should be called, Who Could Love You?

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Boy in Thunder Storm

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long silence was broken at last by a shaken little voice saying, "The big sissy.

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Afternoon Quickie

Joe and Wanda had a small apartment in the city and they decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.

To a young boy, they thought, spying would be a lot of fun and would distract him for an hour or so.

The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation.

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said.

"An ambulance just drove by."

A few moments passed.

"Looks like the Andersons have company," he called out.

"Matt's riding a new bike and the Coopers are making whoopie."

Mom and Dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.

"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A police officer was investigating ...

A police officer was investigating an accident on a two-lane, narrow road in which the drivers had hit virtually head-on.

One driver, an extremely elderly woman, kept repeating, "He wouldn't let me have my half of the road!"

After gathering as much information as possible, he angrily approached the other driver, who was examining his own damage. The police officer asked, "That old lady says that you wouldn't let her have her half of the road. Why not?

In exasperation, the man turns from his smashed car and says, "Officer, I would have been HAPPY to give her half of the road --- if she had just let me know WHICH half she wanted!!!!"

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Several cannibals were recently..

Several cannibals were recently hired.

"You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."

The cannibals promised to be good. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads no.

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand raised hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat the secretary!"
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Greatest hitter

A little boy was overheard talking to himself as he strutted through the backyard, wearing his baseball cap and toting a ball and bat: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world," he announced.

Then, he tossed the ball into the air, swung at it, and missed.

"Strike one!" he yelled. Undaunted, he picked up the ball and said again: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

He tossed the ball into the air. When it came down he swung again and missed.

"Strike two!" he cried.

The boy then paused a moment to examine his bat and ball carefully.

He spit on his hands and rubbed them together. He straightened his cap and said once more: "I'm the greatest hitter in the world!"

Again he tossed the ball up in the air and swung at it. He missed.

"Strike three!"

"Wow!" he exclaimed: "I'm the greatest pitcher in the world.
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Expensive Greeting cards

 

Like everything else in life, the rates of various greeting cards are increasing leaps and bounds. The store owner of one such shop was often receiving complaints about increasing cost of the cards. But he never took these complaints seriously until one day he faced a situation he had not bargained for.

Customer: “Have you any card for someone who is about to turn a hundred?”

Owner: “Sure do.”
The owner led the customer to the related card stand and pointed at the cards: “They are for centurions.”

The customer selected one card, looked at the price printed on the reverse and asked: “If he doesn't last for a week and make it, will you accept this back?”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Moths

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover, "into the closet!", and she pushed him into the closet stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. 

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator. 
What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. 
I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. 
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. 

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Tennis Shoes

Two hunters are walking through a forest looking for deer. When all of a sudden, a giant bear jumps out and scares the shit out of them. They drop their guns and run like hell. 

One of the hunters stopped, opened up his backpack and laced up a pair of tennis shoes. His buddy looked at him and said, "What are you doing? Are you crazy? You can't outrun the bear!" 

To this the hunter said, "I know, all I have to do is outrun you!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: The old hotdog trick

We've all seen him, the party drunk/asshole. He has too much to drink, makes an ass out of himself, barfs all over the rug, then passes out on your bed.
We had a guy on the boat (I'm in the USN sub force) who would get so drunk when we pulled into a liberty port the asshole had to be carried back and dumped in his rack. We didn't want the MP's to snag him because that makes the boat look bad and our dickhead CO might have secured everyone's liberty.

To take care of this once and for all, we brought him back one night, out cold of course, and placed him in his rack on his side with his ass pointing to us. One person pulled down is pants and underwear while another person ran to the freezer and Doc's office. The second person came back with a frozen hotdog and a condom.

Here is how you do this little stunt:

1. Unwrap the condom and place it over the frozen hotdog. A lubricated one works best.

2. Shove the device up the guys ass and leave it there for a second or two. The condensation from the hotdog will allow it to be removed from the condom while leaving the rubber in the asshole.

3. Pull the victims pants up and leave them unbuttoned and unbuckled.

(OPTIONAL)

The less people involved the better. When our victim woke up and went to the head we all had to leave to keep from cracking up. When he was done with his shit, shower, and shave, he came to the mess decks for chow. He sat next to a friend of mine who was involved with the shen and asked, "Hey man, what happened last night?"

"I was going to ask you the same thing. You started drinking with some dork from a skimmer and the next thing we knew you guys were off to the bars out in town. Why?"

He had a mortified look on his face.

"Uhh, just wondering."

He never got trashed again while on that deployment.
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Purchasing A Turkey

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

 

 

Edited October 8, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: Walking with a lantern...

Pappy sees Elmer walking with a lantern and asks, "Where ya going boy ?"

The son smiled and replied, "I'm a-going courting Peggy-Sue."

The Father said, "When I went a-courtin', I didn't need me no dang lantern." "Sure Pa, I know." the boy said. "And look what you got !"
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Raffle prizes...

Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pet Monkey

Guy in a bar playing pool has a pet monkey. Monkey jumps onto the table, grabs the cue ball and stuffs it into his mouth and swallows it. Bartender freaks and starts yelling about how much cue balls cost , etc. The guy tries to calm him down and tells him the monkey will pass it in the next day or so and he'll wash it off real well and bring it back. 

Sure enough the guy and the monkey come back into the bar and gave the bartender his cue ball back. Meanwhile the monkey reaches into the peanut bowl, grabs a nut, sticks it in his butt--then eats it. The bartender stares at the monkey who continues to repeat this action again and again. So he asks the guy, "what's up with that?" 

"What?" 
"your monkey keeps grabbing peanuts one at a time and sticking them in his butt then eating them." 

"Oh, that---well, ever since the pool ball incident, he has to measure everything before he eats it."
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Grand Theft Auto

A blonde get's in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing. She calls the police and reports a theft.

When the police officer comes, he looks at the blonde who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: There is a new virus going around ...

There is a new virus going around, called "work." If you receive any sort of "work" at all, whether via email, Internet or simply handed to you by a colleague ... DO NOT OPEN IT. 
This has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open "work" or even look at "work" have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly. 

If you do encounter "work" via email or are faced with any "work" at all, then to purge the virus, send an email to your boss with the words "I've had enough... I'm off to the pub." The "work" should automatically be forgotten by your brain. If you receive "work" in paper-document form, simply lift the document and drag the "work" to your garbage can. Put on your hat and coat and skip to the nearest bar with two friends and order three pints of beer (or rum punch). After repeating this action 14 times, you will find that "work" will no longer be of any relevance to you and that "Scooby Doo" was the greatest cartoon ever. 

Send this message to everyone in your address book. If you do NOT have anyone in your address book, then I'm afraid the "work" virus has already corrupted your life. 
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Have you been drinking?

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pirate visits bar

A pirate was talking to a "land-luvver" in a bar.
The land-luvver noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye.

The land-luvver just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape.

He asked the pirate, "How did you loose your leg?"

The pirate responded, "I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!"

His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked, "What about your hand. Did you loose it at the same time?"

"No," answered the pirate. "I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys."

Finally, the land-luvver asked, "I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you loose your eye?"

The pirate answered, "I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye."

The land-luvver asked, "How could a little seagull crap make you loose your eye?"

The pirate snapped, "It was the day after I got me hook!"