Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

 Joke: How Many Women?

A little boy was attending his first wedding. After the service, his cousin asked him, "How many women can a man marry?" 
"Sixteen," the boy responded. 

His cousin was amazed that he knew the answer so quickly. "How do you know that?" 
"Easy," the little boy said. 

"All you have to do is add it up, like the Preacher said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man takes his place in the ...

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. 

He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip." 

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. 

The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."
 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: A wife woke in the middle of the...

A wife woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement.

After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up in the corner, of the basement,... crying like a baby.

"Honey, what's wrong?", she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much. "Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant and your father threatened me to either marry you or to go to jail?" 

"Yes, of course," she replied. 
"Well, I would have been released from jail this afternoon!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Polish immigrant went to the...

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. 

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:  'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 

"Can you read this?" the optician asked. 
"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Little Johnny is taking a shower...

Little Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what are those things on your chest!?" Unsure of how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.

Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question. His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven." Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.

A few weeks later, Johnnys' dad comes home from work a few hours early. Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!!"

His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"

"Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommys' balloons and she's screaming, "Oh Goodness, I'm coming!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Christmas Present

A little boy sits on Santa's lap. Santa says "I bet I know what you want for Christmas," and with his finger he taps the boys nose with every letter he spells "T-O-Y-S". 

The little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have enough toys."
Santa replies once again tapping the boys nose with every letter, "C-A-N-D-Y."

Again the little boy thinks a second and says, "No, I have all kinds of candy." 
"Well what would you like for Christmas?" Santa asks. 

The little boy replies, tapping Santa on the nose, "P-U-S-S-Y, and don't tell me you don't have any because I can smell it on your finger!"
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A Blonde's Brain

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette.

"We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde.

"I almost got caught."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Eating Out

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor. 

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?" 

"Yes" she replies. "He's my ex-husband and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago." 

"That's remarkable" the husband replies. "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."

 

Edited October 14, 2016 by worldangel

[worldangel]

Joke: My mind is gone...

"Oh Goodness," sighed the wife one morning, "I'm convinced my mind is almost completely gone!"

Her husband looked up from the newspaper and commented, "I'm not surprised: You've been giving me a piece of it every day for twenty years!"
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: An old man goes to the Wizard ...

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "Curse" he has been living with for the last 40 years. 

The Wizard says "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

The old man says without hesitation "'I now pronounce you man and wife'".
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Hillbilly at the hospital...

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where his teenage son was about to have an operation.

Watching the doctor's every move, he asked, "What's that?"

The doctor explained, "This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing."

"Save your time, Doc," exclaimed the man. "He don't know nothing now."

[worldangel]

 Joke: And The Fairy Said….

A married couple in their early 60s were out celebrating their 35th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table and said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being faithful to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish. “Ooh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.” said the wife.

The fairy moved her magic stick and – abracadabra! – two tickets for the new QM2 luxury liner appeared in her hands.

Now it was the husbands turn. He thought for a moment and said: “Well this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this only occurs once in a lifetime, so, I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”

The wife and the fairy were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish… So the fairy made a circle with her magic stick and -abracadabra! – the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story: “Fairies are female.”
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The juggler....

A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. "What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?" asks the cop.

"I'm a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act."

"Oh yeah?" says the doubtful cop. "Let’s see you do it." The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.

A couple driving by slows down to watch. "Wow," says the driver to his wife. "I'm glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they're giving now
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What are you expecting?

7 year old Jason was at the metro with his friends. 

He saw a pregnant lady standing next to him and asked her, "What are you expecting?"
The pregnant lady replied casually, "a train"

Jason commented to his friends, "Can you beat this! this babe got laid by a Transformer!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Helisoft

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. 

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, and held up a handwritten sign that said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters. People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER." 

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely. After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how he had done it. 
"I knew it had to be the Microsoft Building, because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The high price of romance!

A husband had been away for a few months and had a romantic evening planned for he and his wife. He sent the two older kids to the movies but could not persuade the youngest boy to go along.

Finally he makes a deal with the boy. If the boy will go sit on the curb in front of their house, the father will give the boy $5 bucks for every man he sees go by in a red hat.

A while later the little boy comes running into the house and bangs on the bedroom door and shouts:

"Dad, if you think you’re getting screwed in there, you'd better come outside, there's a Shriner's convention going past."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Head Goes To The Bar

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar and tearfully tells the son he is proud of him. 

Dad orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! 
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. 

Swoooop! Two arms pops out. The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. 

The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left.... then to the right.... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. 
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says, "That boy should have quit while he was a head." 
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Legless Frog

Sidney was a 14-year-old boy with an interest in the sciences. One summer day he started his own investigations. With his 12-year-old sister Sophie in tow, he caught a large bull frog in a local pond. Sidney started his experiment with the amphibian, and told Sophie her job was to write down the results of the experiment.

Sidney drew a line in the sand, placed the frog on the line, and prodded the frog with a small twig from the rear and shouted, "Jump, frog!" The frog jumped, and Sidney measured the distance. "12 feet...write that down, Sophie," he said.

Next, he brought the frog back to the starting point and removed the frog's right front leg. Again he prodded the frog and shouted, "Jump, frog!" The frog jumped 10 feet, and on instruction, Sophie wrote it down.

Again the frog was brought back, the left front leg was removed, and again "Jump, frog!" Sidney reported, "Six feet...write it down."

The next time, Sidney removed the large right back leg. "Jump, frog!" Then, he shouted "Jump, frog!" and prodded the frog. "The frog jumped 8 inches...write it down, Sophie."

Finally, Sidney removed the frog's remaining back left leg, put it down and prodded the frog with the twig shouting, "Jump, frog! Jump, frog! JUMP FROG!! JUMP JUMP FROG!!!"

The frog didn't jump. Sophie looked at Sidney, and said, "So what should I write down?"

Sidney thought a moment, then told Sophie to write, "When you remove all the legs from a frog, it turns deaf."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A hobo (wanderer) comes up to ...

A hobo (wanderer) comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch in the back of the house, I will give you a good meal."

So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner asks, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in." The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW.."


 

[worldangel]

Joke: The check-up...

A four year old was at the pediatrician for a check up. As the doctor looked down her ears with an otoscope, he asked, "Do you think I'll find Big Bird in here?"

The little girl stayed silent.

Next, the doctor took a tongue depressor and looked down her throat. He asked, "Do you think I'll find the Cookie Monster down there?"

Again, the little girl was silent.

Then the doctor put a stethoscope to her chest. As he listened to her heart beat, he asked, "Do you think I'll hear Barney in there?"

"Oh, no!" the little girl replied. "Heaven is in my heart. Barney's on my underpants!

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Mr. and Mrs. Thorne had just reached ...

Mr. and Mrs. Thorne had just reached the airport in the nick of time to catch the plane for their two-week's vacation in Majorca. "I wish we'd brought the piano with us," said Mr. Thorne. "What on earth for?" asked his wife.

"I've left the tickets on it."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Wanna play house?

A little girl and a little boy were at day care one day. The girl approaches the boy and says, "Hey Stevie, wanna play house?"

He says, "Sure! What do you want me to do?"

The girl replies, "I want you to communicate."

He says to her, "that word is too big. I have no idea what it means."

The little girl smirks and says, "Perfect. You can be the husband."
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Probing questions....

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe it, but if someone tells you a wall has wet paint, you will have to touch it to be sure?

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUPs?

Are Lipton Tea employees allowed to take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?

How much deeper would oceans be if sponges didn't live there?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says 'It's only a game,' when their team is winning.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Grabbing Him By the Knee

A handsome young broker assistant enjoys telling his coworkers how the famous director he works for takes great pleasure in grabbing him by the knee when they go out together. 

“But yesterday,” he confided over margaritas, “she reached a new high.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Married Women vs. Single Women

Q: Why are married women heavier than single women? 

A: Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What Does Your Wife Think?

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doctor, I have a sexual performance problem. Can you help me?" 

"Oh, that’s not a problem anymore," announces the proud physician. "They're plenty of drugs that do the trick. You take some pills and your problems are history." So, the doctor gives the man a prescription and sends him on his merry way. A couple of months later, the doctor runs into his patient on the street. 

"Doctor, doctor!" exclaims the man excitedly, "I’ve got to thank you! This drug is a miracle! It’s wonderful!" 

"Well, I’m glad to hear that," says the physician. “What does your wife think about it?" 

"Wife?" asks the man. "I haven’t been home yet!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Where's My Fraternity Pin?

“Hey, Lisa,” said the undergrad to his girlfriend, “how come you’re not wearing my fraternity pin?” 

“It was such a nuisance, Carl!” Lisa said playfully. “All the guys were complaining that it scratched their hands.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Is That Hard to Maintain?

An extremely attractive, young, 'Lady of the Evening' walked into the hotel bar. She was immediately stunned by the most attractive man (sitting at the bar) she had ever seen, tall, blond hair, rippling muscles, and the face of Adonis. 

It took a few minutes, for her to gather her wits, and approach this amazing man. "Buy a girl a drink?" she cooed. 

"Sure," he replied, "Especially for one as pretty as YOU!" Thanking her lucky stars, she engaged him in conversation. After some time he got around to the question of the night. 

"Darling," he replied "I would love to spend the night with you and, no, money is no object. But, you see, I am saving myself for the woman I truly love and for our wedding night." 

"My, what an admirable attitude," she replied. "That must be terribly hard to maintain." 

"Not really," he replied, "but it is really driving my wife nuts!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It's A History Book

 A curious kid comes running to an elderly man, who is reading a book. He asks him, "What are you reading?" 

The elderly man answers, “A history book." 

The kid looks at what the elderly man is reading and says, "But that’s a book about sex!" 

And the man said, "Yeah, but for me it's history!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Fourth Time Is A Charm

Two colleagues opened an office in a small town and put a sign reading 'Dr. Smith and Dr. Stein, Psychiatry and Proctology'. 

The town council was not pleased with the sign so the doctors changed it to read 'Minds and Behinds'. This was not acceptable either, so they tried again with 'Schizoids and Hemorrhoids'. Not accepted. 

After a third try of 'Catatonics and High Colonic' was not accepted and they were near wits end, the doctors made one final proposal, which to their eternal relief, the council accepted... 'Dr. Smith and Dr. Stein, Odds and Ends'.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: What's Wrong With Me Doc?

 This woman rushes to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off, “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had the corpse-like look on my face! What’s wrong with me, Doctor?!” 

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, and then calmly says, “Well, I can tell you that there is nothing wrong with your eyesight….”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Social Security Style

Lorie and Fanny are having a conversation during their lunch break. Lorie asks, “So, Fanny how’s your sex life these days?” 

Fanny replies, “Oh, you know. It’s the usual, Social Security kind.” 

“Social Security?” Lorie asked surprised. 

“Yeah, you get a little each month, but it’s not enough to live on.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Am Suing You

A woman walks in to her boss’s office and she tells him, "I heard all the other women in the office are suing you for sexual harassment. Since you have not harassed me, I am suing you for discrimination!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Together At Last

Attending the funeral of an actress who had been married ten times, a friend sobbed to the priest, “Well, at least they’re together at last.” 

The clergyman looked around, “Which of her husbands is buried here?” 

“None,” said the friend. “I meant her legs.”

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Working for Microsoft

Three women are sitting around talking about their husbands’ performances as loves. The first woman says, “My husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that." 

The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and spank me sometimes. I kind of like that." 

The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it’s going to be when I get it."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Did He Get Anything?

A husband returning from a business trip was informed by his wife that a burglar had entered their house while he was gone. 

“Did he get anything?” the husband anxiously inquired. 

“I’ll say he did,” replied the wife. “It was dark and I thought he was you.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I'm Going to be A Hunter

Three babies are in their mother's womb. One of them says, "I want to be an artist, so everyone will know what it looks like in here." 

The next one says, "I want to be an Olympic swimmer because I get so much practice in here." 

Then the last baby says, "I'm going to be a hunter, because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again, I'm gonna chop that damned thing in half!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Best Way to Get A Good Man

Connie was seen going into the woods with a small package and a birdcage. She was gone several days and then finally returned. Her friend Lisa had never seen Connie looking so sad. “I heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days,” Lisa said. “I’m glad you got back okay, but why do you look so sad?” 

Connie replied, “Because I just can’t get a man.” 

Lisa said, “Well, you sure won’t find one in the middle of the woods.” 

“Don’t be so silly, Connie said. “I know that. I went into the woods because I needed something there that would get me a man. But I just couldn’t find it.” 

“I don’t understand,” Lisa said. “What are you taking about?” 

"I went there to catch a couple of owls,” Connie replied. “I took some dead mice and a birdcage.” 

“How on earth will that help you get a man?” asked Lisa. 

“Well,” said Connie, “I’m told the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Alien At the Bar

An alien is in a bar sitting next to this guy. Every time he takes a drink, he spins on his stool, pokes the guy next to him and goes bzzz. He does these two or three times. Finally the guy gets annoyed and tells the alien that if he doesn't quit it, he will beat him up. 

The alien takes a drink, spins his stool, pokes the guy and goes bzzz. This infuriates the man, and he takes him outside and pulls down his pants and stands back aghast. "There's nothing there! How so you people have sex?" 

The alien smiles, and goes bzzz.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Want A Quickie

A man goes into a restaurant. A beautiful waitress comes over to serve him and asks what he would like. He says, “I want a quickie.” 

She slaps him and says, “Just give me your order, mister!” 

The man says, “I want a quickie!” 

She slaps him again. “Last chance, what do you want?” 

The man insists, “Look, I really, really want a quickie!” 

Another customer leans over and says, “I believe that’s pronounced quiche.”

[worldangel]

Joke: The Special Mirror

In Las Vegas there's a nightclub that has a very special mirror in the ladies room. When you stand in front of this mirror and tell a lie the mirror swallows you. A rather ugly woman stands in front of the mirror and says, ' I think I am the most beautiful woman in the whole world!'' SHUM! The mirror swallows her. 

Then a bigger size woman stands in front of it and says, "I think I am the sexiest woman on earth!'' SHUM! The mirror swallows her. 

Afterwards a very good looking-sexy blonde stands in front of the mirror and says, ''I think..." 

SHUM!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I'm Going to be A Hunter

Three babies are in their mother's womb. One of them says, "I want to be an artist, so everyone will know what it looks like in here." 

The next one says, "I want to be an Olympic swimmer because I get so much practice in here." 

Then the last baby says, "I'm going to be a hunter, because if that snake comes in here and pokes me again, I'm gonna chop that damned thing in half!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Best Way to Get A Good Man

Connie was seen going into the woods with a small package and a birdcage. She was gone several days and then finally returned. Her friend Lisa had never seen Connie looking so sad. “I heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days,” Lisa said. “I’m glad you got back okay, but why do you look so sad?” 

Connie replied, “Because I just can’t get a man.” 

Lisa said, “Well, you sure won’t find one in the middle of the woods.” 

“Don’t be so silly, Connie said. “I know that. I went into the woods because I needed something there that would get me a man. But I just couldn’t find it.” 

“I don’t understand,” Lisa said. “What are you taking about?” 

"I went there to catch a couple of owls,” Connie replied. “I took some dead mice and a birdcage.” 

“How on earth will that help you get a man?” asked Lisa. 

“Well,” said Connie, “I’m told the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: One fine day, a bus driver went ..

One fine day, a bus driver went to the bus garage, started his bus, and drove off along the route. No problems for the first few stops - a few people got on, a few got off, and things went generally well.

At the next stop, however, a big hulk of a guy got on. Six feet eight, built like a wrestler, arms hanging down to the ground. He glared at the driver and said, "Big John doesn't pay!" and sat down at the back.

Did I mention that the driver was five feet three, thin, and basically meek? Well, he was. Naturally, he didn't argue with Big John, but he wasn't happy about it. The next day the same thing happened - Big John got on again, made a show of refusing to pay, and sat down. And the next day, and the next.

This grated on the bus driver, who started losing sleep over the way Big John was taking advantage of him. Finally he could stand it no longer. He signed up for body building courses, karate, judo, and all that good stuff.
By the end of the summer, he had become quite strong; what's more, he felt really good about himself. So on the next Monday, when Big John once again got on the bus and said, "Big John doesn't pay!"
The driver stood up, glared back at the passenger, and screamed, "And why not? "

With a surprised look on his face, Big John replied, "Big John has a bus pass."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Getting Fit

When I moved out to LA they told me I had to work out. I was like, I don’t wanna do that. They gave me this trainer, and the dude was like... The most important thing is, you can’t eat late at night or you’ll get fat.

And I’m like, Forget that, you supposed to eat late at night. He was like, No you not. I’m like, Well, why they put a light in the refrigerator?

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What's the difference...

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."

"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said.

"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor. That's why I want the divorce." he replied.
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Your Arrival Will Be Delayed

On a flight from New York to LA there was a loud bang, followed by some brief turbulence. "Sorry about the bumpy ride there folks,” the captain said over the loud speaker. "We just lost our number four engine. No need to be alarmed, we'll still get to L.A. just fine, but our arrival will be delayed by one hour." 

While flying over Colorado, there was a loud bang, followed by some brief turbulence. "Sorry about the bumpy ride folks,” the captain said over the load speaker. "We just lost our number two engine. No need to be alarmed, we'll still get to L.A. just fine, but our arrival will be delayed by two hours." 

While flying over Utah, there was a loud bang, followed by some brief turbulence. "Sorry about the bumpy ride folks,” the captain said over the loud speaker. "We just lost our number three engine. No need to be alarmed, we'll still get to L.A. just fine, but our arrival will be delayed by three hours." 

A few minutes later, there was another loud bang, and an irritated passenger said, "Great, now it'll take forever to get to L.A.!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What's the Difference?

What’s the difference between your wife and your mistress? 

About 45lbs. 

What’s the difference between your husband and your lover? 

About 45 minutes!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two Out of Three Ain't Bad

There were these three little old ladies sitting on a park bench minding their own business when suddenly a flasher jumped in front of them and exposed himself. 

The first old lady had a stroke. 

The second old lady had a stroke. 

But sadly, the third old lady couldn't reach!

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Stress, Tension, & Panic

What's the difference between stress, tension & panic? 

STRESS is when wife is pregnant. 

TENSION is when girlfriend is pregnant. 

PANIC is when BOTH are pregnant!