Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: "Doc, you've got to help my husband”

"Doc, you've got to help my husband," a farmer's wife said frantically. "He thinks he's a racehorse. He wants to live in a stable; he walks on all fours and he even eats hay."

"I'm sure I can cure him," the doctor replied, "but it'll be very costly."

"Oh, money's no object," she responded. "He's already won two races."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: 5 Blondes celebrate

Five blondes go into a bar and one of them says to the bartender, "A round of drinks for me and my friends."

They get their drinks and the raise their glasses to a toast of, "To 51 days!" and they drink.

The "head blonde" asks the bartender to set them up again.

Again, the blondes toast "To 51 days!" and they drink. After they order a third round, the bartender says that he has to ask what the toast means.

The head blonde says, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. On the box it said, "two to four years" and we finished it in 51 days".


 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Blonde walks into a Restaurant...

A Blonde walks into a Restaurant, and she goes straight to the bulletin board in the back. The blonde is looking at the bulletin board and she sees a piece of paper that says "Ocean Cruise Only 5$"

She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper. She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper. The secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars. The blonde nods and pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary.

The secretary looks over to a burly black guy reading a news paper. She nods to the black guy. He stood up and nocks the blonde unconcious. When the blonde wakes up she's tied to a log and is floating down river.

She started to think that this was a bad idea. When she sees one of her friends (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next to her. In a Joking manner blonde she looks at her friend and says "So do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip?"

The other blonde replies "They didn't serve any last year."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: This Joke Hurts

A brunette goes to the doctor and says, "Everywhere I touch it hurts." He asks "What do you mean?" So she showed him what she meant.

She touched her knee and said "Ouch!" Then she touched her chest and said, "Ouch!" Then her shoulder, "Ouch!" The doctor looks at her and asks, "Your really blonde, aren't you?"

She replies "Yes, as a matter of fact I am. How did you guess?" Doctor says, "Well your finger is broken."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A frog walks into a bank. He goes...

A frog walks into a bank. He goes to the only open teller, and sees that her name is Paddy Whack. "Hey, listen" says the frog. "I really need a loan! I'm out of work, and my wife and tadpoles are at home starving! I need money so I can feed them and provide for them!"

Now Paddy feels very sorry for the poor frog and asks him if he has any collateral. He holds up a small glass elephant. Paddy is a little surprised by this, and quite unsure, but she feels so sorry for the the poor frog that she takes the elephant to her manager. "Mr. Manager, sir," Paddy begins "there is a frog out there who deperately needs a loan. He's out of work and he has a wife and tadpoles who are at home starving. He needs some money so he can provide for them! But all he has for collateral is this little glass elephant. What should I do?"

Well, Mr. Manager takes a good hard look at that elephant, thinks about it a little, and then replies, "It's a knick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man walks in a bank, pulls out...

A man walks in a bank, pulls out a gun, and robs the bank...
Then he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The customer replies, "YES!"
The robber raises his gun, points to his head and BANG!!!!!... shoots him in the head and kills him!

He then moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "DID ... YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB THIS BANK????"

The man calmly responds, "No ... But My Wife Did!"
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The intercom

A jumbo jet is just coming into the Toronto Airport on it's final approach. The pilot comes on the intercom, "This is your Captain. We're on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto". 

He forgot to switch off the intercom. Now the whole plane can hear his conversation from the cockpit. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto?" 

"Well," says the skipper, "first I'm gonna check into the hotel and take a big crap ... then I'm gonna take that new stewardess with the huge tits out for dinner..... then I'm gonna wine and dine her, take her back to my room and put it to her big time all night." 

Everyone on the plane hears this and immediately begins looking up and down the aisle trying to get a look at the new stewardess.

Meanwhile the new stewardess is at the very back of the plane. She's so embarrassed that she starts to run to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. 

Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old lady's bag and down she goes. 

The old lady leans over and says: "No need to hurry, dear. He's gotta take a sh*t first."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Official endorsement

On a pleasantly cold day a few friends gathered around a table to enjoy a few rounds of rum. After several pegs the discussion turned around to the existence of the Heaven.

The group automatically parted in two - atheists and believers - and the arguments got fierce. Our friend William was a staunch atheist and insisted that the Heaven doesn't exist. In a fit of drunken stupor, William wrote a letter to the Heaven, put it in an envelope and addressed it: “To, The Heaven Almighty, Omnipresent.” and asked his opponent to post it.

By next morning everything was forgotten.

Out of the blue, after a month the same letter was returned with remarks: “Address not found.”

He gathered the same group the same evening and proudly displayed the envelope: “Look, this is official now with government endorsement.”
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A couple celebrated their 25th...

A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage they said: 

"We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candlelight dinner, soft music and a slow walk home. She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays." 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A shocking anniversary

A couple have been married forty years and are revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. As they are driving through the secluded countryside, they pass a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.

The woman says, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago!"

The guy stops the car. His wife backs against the fence, and they make love like never before!

Back in the car, the guys says, "Darlin', you sure never moved like that forty year ago -- or any time since that I can remember."

The woman says, "Forty years ago that damn fence wasn't electrified!"


 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Birthday Wish

Little Sonia was shouting her prayers. "Please Heaven send me a new doll for my birthday."

Her mother, overhearing this, said, "Don't shout dear, the Heaven isn't deaf."

"No, but Grandad is, and he's in the next room," Sonia replied.
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Weight Problem

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go." 

The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad." 
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked. 

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: After dating a young lady for ...

After dating a young lady for some time a young man decides it is time to marry her. 

He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the day comes. 
On the day of the wedding the young man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony. However the pastor has a plan. 

The service proceeds as planned the vows are exchanged etc. Now it is time for the groom to kiss his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be paid. He pulls the young man aside and asks him. Can you please pay me?

Not wanting to create a seen the young man asked. How much do I owe you?
The pastor thinks quickly and replies, pay me according to your wife's beauty.
The young man discretely pulled out five dollars and gave it to the pastor. 

Although annoyed by this, the pastor continues the ceremony and says; you may now kiss the bride. At this point the veil is lifted from the brides face to allow the groom to kiss her. As the groom is about to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts and promptly hand the groom four dollars and fifty cents.

 

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two blondes were in a parking ...

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.

The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Toothache

Laura and Nancy were chatting at the coffee-shop.

Laura: "I had a toothache, so I went to the dentist this morning."

Nancy: "Does your tooth still hurt?"

Laura: "I have no idea - the dentist kept it."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Boss and the wife...

A guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to upset his wife for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife.

Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story,

"Wow, that's awful, what did you do?"

"Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hitailed it back here! Shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Pre-Med Upstart

As a pre-med student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to take a difficult class in physics. One day our professor was discussing a particularly complicated concept. A student rudely interrupted to ask, "Why do we have to learn this stuff?"

"To save lives." The professor responded quickly and continued the lecture.

A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?" he persisted.

"It usually keeps the idiots like you out of medical school," replied the professor.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It seems a farm boy accidently...


It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Wilmer!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and have a bite with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you," Wilmer answered. "But I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on." the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Wilmer thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

Wilmer replied, "Under the wagon."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: After the Office Party

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: This Wife Is Too Jealous

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The Sparrow

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow. The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings! 

Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing. 
Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him. 

The Moral of the Story:

Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy. Everyone  who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend. And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut. 
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Where is the Heaven?

A couple had two little boys who were always getting into trouble. Their parents knew that if any mischief occurred in their village, their sons were probably involved. 

The boys' mother heard that an elder in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her sons. The elder agreed, but asked to see them separately. 

So, the mother sent her youngest son first, in the morning. The elder, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is the Heaven?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response. So the elder repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is the Heaven!!?" Again the wide-eyed boy made no attempt to answer. 

The elder raised his voice and bellowed, "WHERE IS The HEAVEN!?" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into a closet, slamming the door behind him. 

When his older brother found him hiding, he asked, "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. The Heaven is missing, and they think WE did it!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: I thought you were my wife...

A serious drunk walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, "I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her."

"Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!" she screamed.

"Funny," he muttered, "you even sound exactly like her."

[worldangel]

Joke: Bright Idea

On the first day of third grade, Little Johnny's teacher was conducting a game to break the ice for the new students.
The appointed student was to describe their father's profession in five words. The rest of the class were challenged to guess what the work was, and the correct answer allowed them to be next in line.

Much to her dismay, she noticed that she had bad Little Johnny again this year. Hoping to avoid him at all costs, she first started the game with Little Suzy. Little Suzy walked to the front of the class, drew back her shoulders, and proudly announced, "My Daddy cuts people open."

Hands shot up all over the room, and the teacher noticed that Little Johnny was the only one who didn't raise his hand. Fatty Sims guessed correctly that her father was a surgeon, and took his turn. He stood in the front of the room and said, "My Daddy locks people up."

Again hands shot up.......all except for Little Johnny. The game went on all afternoon, until all but Little Johnny had a turn. The teacher asked, "Little Johnny, do you want the class to guess what your Daddy does?"

"Yeah" he said, and almost bounded up to the front of the room.

"My Daddy eats light bulbs."

The teacher was a bit taken aback by this and asked, "He eats light bulbs? Really? How do you know?"

"Well, Teach, every night I hear him tell Momma, "Cut out the light! I want to eat that thang!"

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Dog in Heat

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block? 
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat." 
"What's that mean?" asked the child. 

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage." 
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you." 

Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." 
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. 

Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?" 

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: It's late, the bartender and a...

It's late, the bartender and a guy are the only ones left in the bar. The guy pushes his empty beer glass over to the edge of the counter, walks to the other end of the bar, and says to the bartender, "If I could spit from here, and get it in the glass without getting any anywhere else, would you give me $50?" The bartender, not seeing how this bet could be cheated, says, "ok, show me." The guy spits and makes it in the glass without getting any on the counter or the floor. The bartender say, "That's amazing! You deserve the $50!"

The next day, about noon, the guy's in the bar again, and says to the bartender, if I can do it again, but with 2 glasses side by side, would you give me $100? The bartender agrees, and the guys spits from across the bar and makes it in both glasses, without getting any anywhere else.

The evening rolls around, and the bartender sticks a bunch of glasses all over the bar. He then says to the guy, "if you can spit in all of these glasses at the same time, without getting any anywhere else, I'll give you $200" The guy says, "Sure, but I need a little time to get ready" So after a minute, the guy comes up, and procceds to spit everywhere at lightning speed. The bartender, seeing that the guy has missed ever single cup, jumps up and down for joy, screaming. The guys pays the bartender, and says, "I don't see what you're so happy about, I just bet the guy in the corner $500 that I could spit all over your bar, and you'd be happy about it."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: His favorite chocolate chip cookies....

An elderly man lay dying in his bed.

In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with aspatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A Day on the Bus

A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver said: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

"The bus driver insulted me." she fumed.

The man sympathized and said: "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't say things to insult passengers."

You're right." She said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind."

"That's a good idea." the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Pissed Off!

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off !"
"Oh yeah? What happened?" asked the bartender politely.

"See, I met this beautiful woman who invited me back to her home. We stripped off our clothes and jumped into bed and we were just about to make love when her god damned husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!"

"Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the bartender.

"Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the customer went on.

"When her husband came into the room he said 'Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak.' And damned if the lazy son of a bitch didn't piss out the window right onto my head?"

"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy mood." "Yeah, but I haven't told you what really, really got to me.

Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when they finished, the husband tossed his condom out of the window. And where does it land? My damned forehead!"

"Damn, that really is a drag!" says the bartender.

"Oh, I'm not finished. See what really pissed me off was when the husband had to take a dump. It turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the window and let loose right on my head !"

The bartender paled. "That would sure mess up my day."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," the fellow rattled on, "but do you know what REALLY, REALLY, REALLY pissed me off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only SIX inches off the ground!!"
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: What did the doctor say?

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.

"What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Three convicts were on the way...

Three convicts were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time whilst stuck behind bars. On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?" 

The second convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended to paint anything he could. He wanted to become the "Grandma Moses of Jail."
Then he asked the first, "What did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a deck of cards and grinned and said, "I brought cards. I can play poker, solitaire and gin, and any number of games."
The third convict was sitting quietly aside grinning to himself. The other two took notice and asked, "Why are you so smug? What did you bring?"

The guy pulled out a box of tampons and smiled. "I brought these."
The other two were puzzled and asked, "What can you do with those?"

He grinned and pointed to the box and said, "Well according to the box, I can go horseback riding, swimming, roller-skating..."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: An idiot decided to start a chicken...

An idiot decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.

A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died. "But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiot. "I think I am planting them too deep.

 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A college student picked up hi...

A college student picked up his date at her parent’s home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu.

Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her, 
"Does your Mother feed you like this at home?" 

"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The lucky old man!

An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying. A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.

"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old woman. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make love. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love."

The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!"

So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"
 

 

[worldangel]

 

Joke: Why Men Wear Earrings

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. 

This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." 

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings." 
"Don't make such a big deal out of this, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly. 

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?" 

"Ever since my wife found it in my truck..."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A professor of chemistry wanted...

A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

"Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail.

"Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. 
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy walks into a bar...........

A guy walks into a bar...........
He orders a drink........... after a few.......... he must visit the john.

he does not want anyone to steal his drink. so he puts a sign on it. saying, , " I SPIT IN THIS BEER, DO NOT DRINK'.

After a few minutes he returns........... There is another sign next to his beer, saying, SO DID I.
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Animal Super Bowl

During the Super Bowl, there was another football game of note between the big animals and the little animals. The big animals were crushing little animals and at half-time, the coach made a passionate speech to rally the little animals.

At the start of the second half the big animals had the ball. The first play, the elephant got stopped for no gain. The second play, the rhino was stopped for no gain. On third down, the hippo was thrown for a 5 yard loss.

The defense huddled around the coach and he asked excitedly, "Who stopped the elephant?"

"I did," said the centipede.

"Who stopped the rhino?"

"Uh, that was me too," said the centipede.

"And how about the hippo? Who hit him for a 5 yard loss?"

"Well, that was me as well," said the centipede.

"So where were you during the first half?" demanded the coach.

"Well," said the centipede, "I was having my ankles taped."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Secret to good health

Brittany and Lisa were discussing their busy schedules.

Lisa said, "Brittany, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know what's your secret?"

"My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o'clock sharp."

"You wake up at six o'clock?"

"Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours."

 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Lottery Winner

This guy runs home and bursts in yelling, "Pack your bags honey, I just won the lottery!"

She says, "Oh wonderful! Should I pack for the beach or the mountains?"

He replies, "I don't care...Just get the hell out!
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Leak

How do you know when you're staying in a Kentucky hotel?

When you call the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my sink,"

And the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: One night, as a couple lay ...

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently tapped his wife on the shoulder and started rubbing her arm. His wife turned over and said, "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

Her husband, rejected, turned over and tried to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolled back over and tapped his wife again. This time he whispered in her ear, "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Fun at the zoo!

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.

"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.

"Great," Little Johnny replied.

"Did you and your father have a good time?" asked his mother.

"Yeah, Daddy especially liked it," exclaimed Little Johnny excitedly, especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A man walked into a bar, sat ...

A man walked into a bar, sat down, ordered 3 shots of whiskey, drank them, then left. This continued daily for several weeks.

Curious, the bartender asked him one day, "Why do you always order three shots of whiskey?"

The man answered, "Because my two brothers and I always used to have one shot each, and since they've both passed on, I've continued to order the three shots in their honor."

The bartender thought that this was a very noble thing to do, and welcomed the man every time he visited the bar.

Two weeks later, the man walked into the bar for his daily visit and ordered two shots of whiskey. Surprised, the bartender asked him why he only ordered two when had had always been ordering three.

The man answered, "Oh, I've decided to stop drinking."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: My Name is Tucker

There were three brothers who moved to a town. They all saw this beautiful girl and decided that they would each take her on a date and that she would pick whichever one she liked the most. 

The first one went to her house and her father answered the door. The young man said, ”Hello my name is Eddie, I'm taking her for spaghetti, is she ready?" 

So they went on the date. The next brother went up to the door and the father answered it again. He said, "Hi I'm Steve, were going for Chinese, is she ready to leave?" 

And they went on their date. Finally, the third brother went to pick her up for their date and once again the father answered the door. He said, "Hi, I'm Tucker..." and the farmer shot him on the spot.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The Happiest Woman in the World A couple was lying in bed and the husband said to his wife, "I'm going to make you the happiest woman in the world."  The wife replied, "I'll miss you."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: What's with the Bowling Balls?

A man is driving through an English countryside when he sees a beautiful blonde woman, without a stitch of clothes on, running across a field with three men in white chasing her. The last man is carrying two bowling balls. He stops the man with the bowling balls and asks, "What's going on?" 

The man replies, "The blonde is a patient in a mental hospital over the hill. They can't keep clothes on her. Every couple of weeks she escapes and we have to chase her and bring her back." 

"What's with the bowling balls you're carrying," asked the man. 

"Oh, I caught her last week. This is my handicap," the man answered.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Book Has Too Many Characters

 There was a dumb girl who walked up to the librarian and said, "Last Friday I took this book and it was the most boring book I've read. It was very confusing and had far too many characters." 

The librarian replied, "Oh, you must be the person who took our telephone book."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Honeymoon Guessing Game

Having carried his new wife across the threshold the husband said to her, "Before we make love, I've got a guessing game I would like to play with you." 

In an excited mood, the eager new wife said, "Oh I love guessing games!" 

"Good," he said. I’m going down to the pub, you sit here and guess what time I'll be home!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A Minute Sooner

“How did this accident occur?” asked the doctor. 

“Well,” explained the patient, “I was making love to my girlfriend on the living room rug when, all of a sudden, the chandelier came crashing down on us.” 

“Fortunately, you’ve only sustained some minor lacerations on your buttocks,” the doctor said. “You are a very lucky man.” 

“You said it, doc,” exclaimed the man. “A minute sooner and it could have fractured my skull!”