Be Happy :)

[worldangel]

Joke: A mother and her young inquisitive...

A mother and her young inquisitive son were flying an Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago.

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer), told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant, "If dogs have baby dogs, and cats have baby cats, why don't planes have baby planes?"

The flight attendant responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me that?"

The little boy admitted that she did.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Airlines always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Diet Plan

Tina : I am much at ease on the second day of my diet.

Rina : Is that because the body adapts to the diet plan by then?

Tina: No, it's because I would have given up by the next day.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Fascinate

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word "fascinate."

Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated."

The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'"

Little Billy raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Billy was noted for is bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate" so she called on him.

Billy said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her boobs are so big she can only fasten 8."

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Mr. Johnson was overweight, so...

Mr. Johnson was overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet. 

He said, “I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least five pounds.” 

When Mr. Johnson returned, he shocked the doctor by having dropped almost twenty pounds. 

“Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor told him. “You did this just by following my instructions?” 

The slimmed down Mr. Johnson nodded. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.” 

From hunger, you mean.” 

No,” replied Mr. Johnson, “from skipping.” 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Catsup

A woman was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her four-year-old daughter to answer the phone.

"It's the minister, Mommy" the child said to her mother.

Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone right now. She's hitting the bottle."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Ignore

Dad: “Son, a wise person never replies to a fool's question, simply ignores it.”

Son: “Right dad, I went through the examination papers, ignored them and came out.”

 

[worldangel]

Joke: There was once a great actor, ...

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You must walk onto the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line... 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line, over and over again. Finally the time came.

The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion, he delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress".
The theatre erupted, the audience screamed with laughter... and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor, quite bewildered, asked, "What happened, did I forget my line?" he asked.
"No!" the director screamed.... "You forgot the bloody rose!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Nursery school teacher says to...

Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"

Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."

Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"

"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:

"Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A woman was waiting in the check-out ...

A woman was waiting in the checkout line at a shopping center. Her arms were laden with a mop and broom and other cleaning supplies. By her hard glances and deep sighs, it was obvious she was in hurry and not a happy camper about the slowness of the line. 

When the cashier called for a price check on a box of soap, the woman remarked indignantly, "Well, I'll be lucky to get out of here and home before Christmas!" 

"Don't worry, ma'am," replied the clerk. "With a good tail wind and that brand new broom you have there, you'll be home in no time." 
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A night to remember

A man goes to the doctor after feeling ill. The doctor says: "You know, you should have come to see me sooner. Unfortunately you have waited too long and you are going to die this evening."

The man is distraught and wonders how he is going to tell his wife. Well, he tells her and she takes it pretty well: "Honey, this is going to be a night that you will always remember," she says. "I am going to treat you like a king."

She prepares a scrumptious gourmet dinner with wine, candles -- the works. After dinner she slips away and returns in the most incredible negligee the man has ever seen. She leads him into their bedroom. They make the most passionate love they have ever made. The man is beside himself. Once done, the wife rolls over to go to sleep knowing she kept her promise. Well, the husband is wide awake watching the clock.

He knows that he is doomed. He taps her: "Honey?" he whispers. She rolls over and they again proceed to make love. Again when they were done she rolls over and he taps her. By now she is getting cranky, but under the circumstances she grants her husband's dying wishes. Finally the wife rolls over and begins to snore. Well, the man decides to tap her again: "Honey?" he whispers.

She rolls over and yells: "Would you give it a rest! One of us has to get up in the morning!"

[worldangel]

 Joke: Working On The Road

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road. "I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can in a trash container and heading down the road toward the men.

"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the county government, "one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the county's money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us--me, Rodney and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back."
"Yea," piped up Mike. "Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean we can't work, does it?"
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Baby Light

In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing."

Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.

"Whoa there Scotty!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern down... I think there's yet another wee one to come."

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.

"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man... It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor.

The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Do ya think it's the light that's attractin' them?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Can't say no

Two life-long friends were enjoying a few pints down at the local bar, when one said to the other: "If I ask you a question, will you promise to answer me honestly?"

"Yeah, sure thing," replied his friend, "fire away."

"Well,” said the first guy, "why do you think all the guys around here find my wife so attractive?"

"It's probably because of her speech impediment," replied the second guy.

"What do you mean her speech impediment?" inquired the first fellow: "My wife doesn't have a speech impediment!”

"Well," replied his friend, "you must be the only guy who hasn't noticed that she can't say 'NO'!"

 

[worldangel]

 

 

 Joke: For a couple years I 've been ...

For a couple years I 've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million.

104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 16.2 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Governments and that leaves 1.4 million to do the work. At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals, leaving 1,212,000 to do the work. Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes. 

Happy New Year! 

[worldangel]

Joke: Bob: "So, you say that you won...

Bob: "So, you say that you won the conversion with your wife yesterday."

Joe: "Yes, she came crawling on her hands and knees."

Bob: "Really? What did she say?"

Joe: "Come out from under the bed, you coward

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A guy is sitting at a bar ...

A guy is sitting at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He's slamming tequila left and right. He grabs one, drinks it, goes over to a window and jumps out. The guy who was sitting next to him couldn't believe that the guy had just done that.

He was more surprised when, ten minutes later, the same guy, unscathed, comes walking back into the bar and sits back down next to him. The astonished guy asks "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out that window and we're hundreds of feet above the GROUND!!!". The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch."

He takes a shot, slams it down, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls until right before the ground, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the guy walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He drinks it and goes to the window and jumps. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all....SPLAT!!!!!!

The first guy orders another shot of tequila and the bartender says to him, "You're really an jerk when you're drunk, Superman."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Went fishing, got caught...

A man phones home from his office and tells his wife: "Something has just come up. I have a chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. We leave right away. So please pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and especially my blue.silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up."

He goes home in a hurry and grabs everything and rushes off. A week later he returns. His wife asks: "Did you have a good trip, dear?" He says: "Oh yes, great! But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas." His wife smiles and says, "Oh no, I didn't. I put them in your tackle box!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A frog walks into a bank. He goes ...

A frog walks into a bank. He goes to the only open teller, and sees that her name is Paddy Whack. "Hey, listen" says the frog. "I really need a loan! I'm out of work, and my wife and tadpoles are at home starving! I need money so I can feed them and provide for them!"

Now Paddy feels very sorry for the poor frog and asks him if he has any collateral. He holds up a small glass elephant. Paddy is a little surprised by this, and quite unsure, but she feels so sorry for the the poor frog that she takes the elephant to her manager. "Mr. Manager, sir," Paddy begins "there is a frog out there who desperately needs a loan. He's out of work and he has a wife and tadpoles who are at home starving. He needs some money so he can provide for them! But all he has for collateral is this little glass elephant. What should I do?"

Well, Mr. Manager takes a good hard look at that elephant, thinks about it a little, and then replies, "It's a knick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan!"
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A man phones home from his off...

A man phones home from his office and says to his wife, "I have the chance to go fishing for a week. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I have to leave right away. Pack my clothes, my fishing equipment, and my blue silk pajamas. I'll be home in an hour to pick them up." 

The man rushes home to grab everything. He hugs his wife, apologizes for the short notice, and then hurries off.
A week later, the man returns and his wife asks, "Did you have a good trip, dear?"

The man replies, "Yep, the fishing was great...but you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas."
His wife smiles and says, "Oh, no I didn't...I put them in your tackle box.
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Marriage Problems

A man and woman were having marriage problems, and decided to end their union after a very short time together. After a most brief attempt to reconcile, the couple went to court to finalize their break-up.
The judge asked the husband, “What has brought you to this point, where you are not able to keep this marriage together?”

The husband said, “In the six weeks we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on one thing.”

The wife said, “Seven weeks.”

[worldangel]

Joke:  I Am Going To Shop

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse. 

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. 

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him." 
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A little girl asked her father

A little girl asked her father, "Daddy? Do all Fairy Tales begin with Once Upon A Time?" 

He replied, "No, there is a whole series of Fairy Tales that begin with 'If Elected I promise...'"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Honest lawyer

Two lawyers were in a coffee shop talking. One of the lawyer’s names was Thomas Strange. After a while their conversation became rather morbid, and they started to talk about what they were going to have on their tomb stones.

Thomas said the he wasn't going to have his name put on his tombstone, instead he was going have "Here lies the body of an honest lawyer!!!" "Why are you going to have that?"
asked his friend.

"Well", said Thomas, "When people are walking through the cemetery, and they see...Here lies the body of an honest lawyer. They will say "Oh...That's Strange".
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Women and Men...

WOMEN
Women are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.

Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.

Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.

They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.

MEN
Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Two unemployed guys.... are talking

Two unemployed guys.... are talking. One says, "I'm going to become a lion tamer."
The other replies, "That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming."
"Yes I do!"
"Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?"

"I'll take that big chair they all carry, and I'll stick it in his face until he backs down."
"Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?"
"I'll take that whip they all carry, and I'll whip him and whip him until he backs down."
"Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?"

"I'll take that gun they all carry, and shoot him."
"Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?"
"I'll pick up some of the sh*t that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage."

"Well, what if there ain't no sh*t in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?"
"You ain't thinkin' none to clear - cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some sh*t on the bottom of that cage. You can bet on that!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde Horse Sense

A blonde buys two horses and she can't tell them apart. So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off. So she does. But then the other horse's tail gets caught in a bush and rips off. So she can't tell them apart again.
She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horses ears. So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence.

She is still confused. She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them.

She comes back and says, "The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Henpecked Husbands

* He comes right out and says what she tells him to Think.
* She does not have to raise the roof, all she has to do is raise an eyebrow.
* He always has the last word - he says, "I'm sorry".
* He was a man about town; she has turned him into a mouse around the house.
* The last big decision she let him make was whether to wash or to dry.
* He was a dude before marriage - now he is Subdued.
* He goes to a woman dentist - it's a relief to be told to open his mouth instead of to shut it.
 

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A married couple were asleep when ...

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning, the wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here?" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some young woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Restless Little Girl

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.

 

Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Computer Flatlined..

I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes down it causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor.

"This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror.

"Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"


 

[worldangel]

Joke: Doctor's Prescription

A very nervous man, accompanied by his nagging wife, was examined by a doctor. After checking the chart and listening to the wife's ceaseless chatter, he nodded and wrote the man a prescription for a powerful tranquilizer.

The man asked: "How often do I take these?"

"Let's start with once every six hours. But they're not for you," replied the doctor: "They're for your wife.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Two blondes were in a parking ...

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.

The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: I Have A Question

A father and son went fishing one day. While they were out in the boat, the boy suddenly became curious about the world around him. He asked his father, "How does this boat float?

The father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later, the boy looked at his father and asked, "How do fish breath underwater?"
Once again the father replied, "Don't rightly know son." A little later the boy asked his father, "Why is the sky blue?"

Again, the father replied. "Don't rightly know son." Finally, the boy asked his father, "Dad, do you mind my asking you all of these questions?"

The father replied, "Of course not, you don't ask questions, you never learn nothin'." 

[worldangel]

 Joke: The accountant

An accountant got out of bed and complained that he had not slept a wink.

"Why didn't you count sheep?" his wife asked

"I did, that is what got me into trouble" the accountant replied "I made a mistake during the first hour, and it took me until this morning to correct it."
 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: It seems a farm boy accidentally...

It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon-load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Wilmer!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in and have a bite with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up."

"That's mighty nice of you," Wilmer answered. "But I don't think Pa would like me to."

"Aw, come on." the farmer insisted.

"Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But Pa won't like it."

After a hearty dinner, Wilmer thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is your Pa?"

Wilmer replied, "Under the wagon."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Naked Photo Texts
 

I have girlfriends who will text message naked photos of themselves to their man. Which, I guess the whole point of that is, to be like, here’s what’s waiting for you at home, big boy.

If I was to do a here’s what’s waiting for you at home photo shoot, I would take some pictures of the frigging dishes, the bills right now. My vaginas not waiting for you at home at all.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Shut Up and Trouble were walking...

Shut Up and Trouble were walking down a path. Trouble got lost. So, Shut Up went to the police officer. The police officer asked, "What's your name?"

He answered, "Shut Up."
He asked again "What's your name?"
"Shut Up."

The police officer asked, "Are you looking for trouble?!"
"Yeah, I lost him down a path about two miles ago."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: The biology teacher...

Mr. Baldwin, the biology teacher called on Mary, "Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions, expands to six times it's normal size, and state the conditions." 

Mary gasped and said in a huff, "Why, Mr. Baldwin! That is an inappropriate question and my parents are going to hear of it when I get home!" She sat down, red-faced. 

"Susan, can you tell me the answer?" asked Mr. Baldwin 
"The pupil of the eye, under dark conditions," said Susan. 

"Correct. Now Mary, I have three things to say to you. First, you have not studied your lesson. Second, you have a dirty mind. And third, boy are you going to be disappointed someday!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: There once was an old man who ...

There once was an old man who was about to die. He told his wife to put a bag of money in the attic "When I die I'll get it on my way up." chuckled the old man.

Well when the old man died the wife went up to the attic and found that the bag of money was still there. "I knew I should have put that money in the cellar!" said the old woman

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Birth control

One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said: "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"

"Well," he said: "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."

"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"

"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."
 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A Guy was staying in a fancy hotel ...

A Guy was staying in a fancy hotel and was enjoying the pool when the manager told him quite bluntly to get out. When asked for the reason, the manager said, "Because you peed in the pool."

"Well," replied the swimmer, "lots of people do that."
"True," answered the manager, "but you did it from the diving board."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: A garage mechanic comes out to...

A garage mechanic comes out to rescue a broken down car. Out of respect for other drivers the mechanic leaves his hazards on while parked on the side of the road. The exhaust from the broken down car has fallen off and needs tying up before the car can be driven onto the mechanic's trailer.

The mechanic tells the car owner "As it is only 3:00pm I should be able to have the car ready for you by 5pm". At 5:10pm the mechanic rings the car owner. "Sorry I didn't ring you by 5:00pm, but I only got back to the garage 5 minutes ago. "Why, what happened?" asked the car owner.

"My vehicle battery went flat, and I had to ring the garage to ask for another mechanic to come out and rescue me," replied the mechanic.

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A little boy asked his teacher...

A little boy asked his teacher if he could go to the bathroom, so she said yes. When he went to wipe his bum there was no toilet paper so he used his hands. When he got back to class his teacher asked, 'What do you have in your hand.' The boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hand he'll get scared away.'

He was then sent to the ‘s office and the principal asked him, 'What do you have in your hand.'

So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent home and his mom asked him 'What do you have in your hand.'

So the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he'll get scared away.' He was sent to his room and his dad came in and said, 'What do you have in your hand.' So again the little boy said, 'A little leprechaun and if I open my hands he get scared away.'
Then his Dad got really mad and yelled, 'Open your hands!'

And the little boy said, 'Look Dad you scared the crap out of him.'

 

[worldangel]

Joke: A police officer pulls over this ...

A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."

"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."

"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."

 

[worldangel]

Joke: Blonde Sheep Winner

There was a blonde who was tired of all the blonde jokes and decided to dye her hair brown. She then went for a drive in the country and came upon a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
She asked the shepherd, "If I guess how many sheep there are here, can I keep one?"

He replied "Sure!"

Out of the blue, she blurts out, "352!"

He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick out a sheep. She looks and searches and finally picks out the cutest one.

He looks at her and says, "If I guess what color your hair really is, can I have my dog back!"
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Newest Son-In-Law

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."
"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."
 

[worldangel]

Joke: Too materialistic

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and tore off the door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes, a policeman pulled up.

Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined, no matter how the body shop might try to fix it.

When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.

"I can not believe how materialistic you lawyers are," the cop said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."

"How can you say such a thing?", asked the lawyer.

The cop replied: "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."

"My Goodness!" screamed the lawyer. "My Rolex!"

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: Food

An American businessman goes to Japan on a business trip, but he hates Japanese food, so he asks the concierge at his hotel if there's any place around where he can get American food. The concierge tells him he's in luck, there's a pizza place that just opened, and they deliver. The concierge gives the businessman the phone number, and he goes back to his room and orders a pizza.

Thirty minutes later, the delivery guy shows up to the door with the pizza. The businessman takes the pizza, and starts sneezing uncontrollably. He asks the delivery man, "What the Heck did you put on this pizza?" The delivery man bows deeply and says, "We put on the pizza what you ordered, pepper only.

 

[worldangel]

Joke: One day an engineer dies

One day an engineer dies. He was kind that built lots of things, like air conditioners. When he went to heaven he met the Heaven. The Heaven says "Go to hell, you're not on my list." 
So after going 30,255,391 stairs to hell, he lets the devil know who he is and so the devil says "Hey, come on in!"

In hell the engineer built airplanes, buildings, cars, etc. God sees this and says "Hey devil, you know that engineer guy. He needs to come back to heaven."

The devil says "Are you crazy, I'm not gonna let you have him." To which the Heaven says "If you don’t let me have him, I'll sue."

Devil says "You can't sue! You don’t even have lawyers up there!" 

 

[worldangel]

 Joke: A young blonde was on vacation...

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. 

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"